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382 pages, Paperback
First published March 15, 1999
I don’t even know who you are,’ he said
‘I’m not a child any more.’
‘No. You’re not a child. You never were much like a child.’
‘But I was one, Robert. I was one.’
‘It’s an illness, Jamesie. I was sick. I was sick then. And I was sick long after. Call me all the names. Call me a bastard. But all I know is I’m fucking trying now. It’s a terrible thing to be hated...’
‘You hated your father long enough.’
He was upset now. Years of sorrow came into his eyes.
‘I didn’t hate him,’ he said. ‘I was never the son my da wanted. He wanted somebody he could mould – he wanted you. Your granda was a dreaming man. He needed people that could believe in his goals. I was no good for that. Maybe not good for much. But I didn’t hate the man. You’d be better to say I hated myself. My God, Jamie: your mother and me made our own judge and jury when we made you.’
I heard myself say the word sorry.
‘No it’s me that’s sorry,’ he said.
Scotland again. We all spouted up in these valleys of mirth. Possible fools with bigots for fathers, losers for husbands and mean, mortal hours And only the prospect of living in their wake, and one day becoming just like them.