Dance of the Reptiles: Rampaging Tourists, Marauding Pythons, Larcenous Legislators, Crazed Celebrities, and Tar-Balled Beaches: Selected Columns

by Carl Hiaasen, Diane Stevenson (Editor)

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A collection of the best Miami Herald columns from the New York Times bestselling author of Squeeze Me on burning issues like animal welfare, polluted rivers, and the broken criminal justice system.

If you think the wildest, wackiest stories that Carl Hiaasen can tell have all made it into his hilarious, bestselling novels, think again. Dance of the Reptiles collects the best of Hiaasen’s Miami Herald columns, which lay bare the stories—large and small—that demonstrate anew that truth is far stranger than fiction.

Hiaasen offers his commentary—indignant, disbelieving, sometimes righteously angry, and frequently hilarious—on issues like the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, Bernie Madoff's trial, and the shenanigans of the recent presidential elections. Whether or not you have read Carl Hiaasen before, you are in for a wild ride.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Audiobook, Essays, Politics, Short Stories, Economics

416 pages, Paperback

First published January 28, 2014

About the author

Carl Hiaasen was born and raised in Florida. After graduating from the University of Florida, he joined the Miami Herald as a general assignment reporter and went on to work for the newspaper’s weekly magazine and prize-winning investigations team. As a journalist and author, Carl has spent most of his life advocating for the protection of the Florida Everglades. He and his family live in southern Florida.

Reviews

[Minna · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is with great sadness that I have to shelve this book as NON-fiction. I wish, OH HOW I WISH, that the issues Mr. Hiaasen covers in this collection of columns weren't true. Many of the columns were comical, and I laughed out loud at a few... but mostly, I just felt saddened and angry. Having moved to Florida in 2005, I missed about half of Mr. Hiaasen's columns when they appeared in print. I was completely unaware of many of the environmental issues he opined on and distressingly, a quick Google search shows that most of them ARE STILL UNRESOLVED ISSUES. Gopher turtles are still being buried. Manatees are still "threatened", not endangered. Lakes and rivers are still being polluted, or drained dry (depending on location). Pythons are still decimating the Everglades. Wetlands are still being drained to build Walmarts and parking lots and housing developments.
Outside of environmental issues, things aren't improving either. Would-be immigrants are still dying on the seas. The population is still booming (I'm guilty of contributing to that one, I suppose). Tourists are still idiots, government is still corrupt, politics are still ridiculous, and our current Governor is still a jerk with a bad reputation and an even worse track record.

So why did I give this book four stars, if it was so depressing and aggravating? Well, I certainly can't fault Mr. Hiaasen for the state of Florida, and he does his best to present the facts in a way that makes them clear as well as entertaining (to a certain extent). And as he points out in his Afterword, it is now crystal clear that the zany characters and plots in his novels are pretty much drawn straight from true life. I have always been a fan of his books but now I just might have to glom them. That is, after I join my local Gopher Turtle Rescue chapter.

[Fred Forbes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m a big fan of Carl Hiaasen. I enjoy his crazy Florida based novels and he is probably one of the nicest people I have met at book signings and he actually has taken the time to personally respond to notes I’ve sent regarding his columns. All of his columns don’t make my local paper so I was glad to see this new collection.
Now nearly any political position can look silly when presented in a satirical and sarcastic fashion but those of the extreme right wing look particularly foolish so this is not a book staunch conservatives will love but those of a more central or left leaning bent will find them quite entertaining.
In his acknowledgement section, Carl comments that “If nothing else, these columns should strip away any remaining mystery about where I find the inspiration – and source material – for my warped comic novels. I can’t imagine living anywhere as corrupt, overrun, mismanaged, freak-infested as Florida. I also can’t imagine living anywhere as beautiful or so worth fighting for.” My sentiments exactly which is why I loved the book.

[Lance Carney · Rating 4 out of 5]

A collection of Hiaasen columns from The Miami Herald, it's easy to see what influenced his biting cynicism and wit, along with the buffoons who would become bad guys in his fiction.

[Tim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Medicare fraud, sleazy politicians, corrupt business polluters, supreme court injustice, taxes and overused resources all feel the sting of the pen under columns by Mr. Hiaasen. It's sad that there's lots of truth here. 6 of 10 stars

[Mike French · Rating 4 out of 5]

A composite of Carl Hiaasen' s columns from the Miami Herald. Very enjoyable and entertaining from the beginning to end. This book shows what a truly screwed up state Florida is after years of being run by crooked and inept politicians!

[Aaron · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a collection of commentary pieces that Hiaasen has written for the Miami Herald over the course of the early 2000's. They are certainly interesting and speak to the sad governmental and judicial issues that could be found in Florida and nationwide. It is sad to see how many of these issues challenge the state and our country. In fact, it is downright depressing. It is a quick ready, articularly since each piece is fairly short. The writing is excellent. I just struggled with the constant hammering and frustrating of the messages in the pieces. It is not because I disagree with his main points, but rather that they was and are so frustratingly ongoing.

This is probably better read in short spurts rather than all at once. It will be less likely to spur on your ire against the misgovernance.

[Lori · Rating 2 out of 5]

Let me just say that if your political bent is to the right, don't bother. reading this book. You will be angry.
My first Carl Hiaasen novel was Bad Monkey. I really liked it. Funny, smart and fast paced, so when this book popped up, I read it. Or, should I say suffered through it. Several of the stories about Florida and the Everglades, wildlife and so on were extremely entertaining. That was about 15 percent of the book. The rest was a selection of about 20 years worth of columns reciting the authors hatred for the Republican party and his dislike for every Republican notable he could name.
I stuck it out because I decided it was good to hear from another side of the fence, but Mr. Hiaasen's constant attacks throughout the entire book makes me question whether or not I want to read any more of his novels. My opinion.

[Ilili · Rating 4 out of 5]

This compilation of Miami Herald articles by Hiaasen is sobering. As much as I enjoy Hiaasen's fiction, it is disturbing to see that his unflinching reporting of major problems in his home state of Florida, some articles going back to the early 2000s, has had little effect on changing government corruption, flawed programs for child services and services to the elderly, the continued selling of real estate at the cost of the environment and more. Maybe the articles are so unsettling because what many Americans may have considered troubles confined to Florida are actually nationwide problems. Taken as a whole, this is a book of finely written pieces, spotlighting unthinkable ills that may leave readers with a dismal view of the future. Read it, anyway.

[Gail Strickland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full disclosure-I think Carl Hiaasen is brilliant. This collection of columns once again showcases the wackiness of Florida and Florida politics which just goes to show me that my homestate isn't the most dysfunctional one in the lower 48, it just seems like it at times. When us native Georgians begin to feel badly about how mismanaged and nuts our state legislature appears at times, we can always console ourselves by repeating "at least we're not Florida" until we feel better. Thank you Mr. Hiaasen for reminding me things could always be worse up here.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love Hiassen but 12 year old columns are not that appealing today. I enjoy reading his columns in real-time. A compilation of them is just too depressing since I live in Florida. He is still spot on about the craziness that is Florida.

[Mary Jane Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although the copy right of this book is 2014, the columns selected for this book paint a frightening description of the state of Florida which current events confirm has only gotten worse. The political corruption, disregard for the environment and the species that try to live in it are perfectly summed up in Hiaasen's acknowledgement at the end of the book: "I can't imagine living anywhere as corrupt, overrun, mismanaged, and freak-infested as Florida. I also can't imagine living anywhere as beautiful or so worth fighting for."

[Casey]

DNF. I think I enjoy his novels more than his newspaper articles.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have loved Carl Hiaasen's writing since I read my first Hiaasen, "Skinny Dip". I think I've read everything he's written except one (and I'll get to it).
This book is a selection of the columns he writes for "The Miami Herald". It does not disappoint. To listen to these columns helps explain his fiction.

[Nelda Brangwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've loved Hiassen's adult and children's novels and am delighted to be introduced to the columns he writes for the Miami Herald, especially appropriate if you are traveling in Florida. Florida is a land like no other. Hiassen, a native, captures the weirdness and strangeness of Florida law and land development

[Jenny Gendel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had read about Carl Hiaasen in Dave Berry's selected columns, so when I found out I could download his audiobook on Overdrive I was very excited. The book did not disappoint. The only state worse off than Fl, is probably IL, because they only elect idiots rather than straight up criminals. I really look forward to reading/listening to more of his books.

[Jami · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve read his fiction, but never his newspaper columns; I enjoyed this compilation of his work. These are columns taken from the headlines at the time; even though the columns were from 2001-2013, it was interesting to note that many of the same absurdities are repeating themselves today.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yeah, I know, no one likes a lecture, but anyone as sensible as Hiaasen needs to be listened to. And the idea of a prison for misbehaving tourists appeals to me. . .

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

These selected columns from Hiaasen’s newspaper days are humorous, provoking, sad, and even tho of days gone by, relevant.

From reporting on Florida Senate’s making it illegal to have “intimate relations with an animal” or the nude face-eating cannibal (I remember that story) or the inept powers that be who let 5-year-old Rilya Wilson disappear from the very system set up to protect her or the dismissive death of Omar Paisley.

The column riffing on Sarah Palin’s memoir was typical Hiaasen snark and totally guffawable! Just as his chastising write on the NRA’s tactics. (I also oddly received an invite to join and receive that duffel bag gift.)

There are many more and varied topics, which of course will tap into his love of Florida and it’s ecology. Good thought provoking reads that will either make you laugh..or cry, but will assuredly make you think,

[Barbara Nutting · Rating 4 out of 5]

What an eye opener!! Even though these columns ran 2000-2012 nothing has changed! Crooked Rick Scott is still governor, Marco Rubio is now a Senator and all the other whackos are still running Florida politics!! Gregg Steube is even trying to pass a bill to allow guns in schools?? Shopping centers are replacing wetlands and jet skis outnumber Manatees!! Will it ever stop or are the Republicans going to keep it up until Florida is just a memory?? Hiaasen has such a sharp eye on everything so I'm now following him in the Miami Herald.

[Savannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Minus 1 star not for the writing, but for the curation!

[Organic Alien Tech · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5/5. I’m convinced. Florida is not real.

[Lee · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is so out of date that if the copyright said 1913 instead of 2013 I wouldn't have been surprised. After the previous "president", all of America seems like Florida now, and that's not a good thing.

[RJ Siano · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun Time Machine through the early 2000s and 2010s. Hiaasen’s experience in crime and comedy novels made for great perspective of not only the events covered in columns but the reactions and attitudes of Floridians in response.

[Christopher Sumpter · Rating 1 out of 5]

I checked this out because it was categorized as humor, but it turned out to just be a collection of sarcastic liberal screeds. I could stomach most of it, but the author's comments on abortion were so heartless and horrific, I have to give this the lowest possible rating.

[Paula · Rating 3 out of 5]

You know the columns have to be entertaining for me to give his wildly liberal biased writing 3 stars and a chuckle. Each is a smart and entertaining read. The problem is he's writing effectively about smart and politically relevant topics -to whip up stupid people with a 10 second memory.

As a newspaper op-ed writer you can address one issue at a time- expressing outrage over everything- while flip flopping constantly. I'm sure this works in small daily doses, but when you compile them into an anthology it becomes glaringly inconsistent. Florida is grossly overcrowded and its resources are being raped- but returning Hatian immigrants while allowing Cuban's to stay is discriminatory and cruel. I can only assume that he wants Hatians to stay- but not in his state. Property taxes are out of control AND the government needs to increase spending... Which is the same as saying you have to collect less and spend more- bad policy- and he knows that because he bashes municipal debt accumulation too (bond writing- the only way you can "earn less" through taxation while spending more). The hypocrisy takes a lot of polish off the jalopy, so while I enjoyed his clever banter, I eventually realized I was listening to the ideas of a very articulate fool and had to abandon the book. Rather than a library loan, I recommend you buy a copy, and give it its appropriate place of honor- next to the commode- where it WILL get read then instantly forgotten so you may enjoy your next visit with this witty composer of political commentary.

[Zade · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hiaasen, best known as the author of zany novels, here presents a selection of his columns written for the Miami Herald between 2001 and 2012. He has a wicked sense of humor and no patience for fools, which makes for some biting send-ups of politicians, both national and Floridian. He takes on a variety of topics, from environmental destruction to government corruption to general human folly. There's no question Hiaasen leans far left, but at the same time, he is no nut job. His arguments, even when the reader may disagree, are well reasoned and concisely presented. How interesting each column may be depends on the reader's interests and tolerance for scathing humor. I found the book enjoyable, but not something I could read much of at a sitting. There were long stretches of columns addressing events that fall outside my knowledge or that seemed out-dated, but in most of these there was a theme of more general concern that at least made it possible to care. For example, the corruption that went into the approval and construction of several Florida sports arenas and government buildings is not in the least fascinating to a Midwesterner, but Hiaasen's outrage at government incompetence and corruption in general strikes a chord. For Floridians or people more interested in politics than I, the book would be more absorbing.

Hiaten is a wickedly funny writer and I'll be reading more of his fiction, but I doubt I'll return to his columns.

[Jim · Rating 3 out of 5]

One could easily get a snarky brain cramp-overdose when reading these articles collected together, as good as many of them are. For the most part Hiaasen dovetails almost completely with my political/social viewpoints, and therefore I enjoy his witty attacks on politicians, businessmen, anti-environmentalists, organizations, zealots, and crooks (no matter their affiliations). No doubt he has few admirers among the NRA, Republican Party, unscrupulous land developers, greedy CEOS, rich meddling conservatives, evangelical sects, and a host of other dimwits and scalawags. Many of the articles are dated, of course, so I did a little skipping and choosing, but there was much to tickle my fancy. The tone gets a tad whiny and repetitive, at times, but it is still refreshing to hear someone with parallel viewpoints. Much of the material is Florida oriented, as can be expected (and since I was raised in Tampa, it made the book a little more relevant to me), but he ranges far and wide as well. The Bushes, Crists, Rubios, and other Republican charlatans are not likely to invite him to many parties. It makes me want to read his current takes on Trump, which must be withering. I'll have to seek out internet options. I imagine that many readers in Miami love to get their daily dose of diatribe, sugared with a little cane.

[Xanthi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this one on audiobook.
I am a Hiaasen fan and that is why I chose to read this collection of his newspaper column non-fiction pieces. Yes, they are mostly USA-centric and often Florida-centric, but there is a lot of humour, satire, and sarcasm to enjoy. The jabs at Palin, Trump, and G.W. Bush had me in fits of giggles.
There is also a lot of anger, too, and rightly so. The topics he tackles range from election issues, the homeless, state government, federal government, social services, illegal immigrants, environmental issues, and yes...the face eating maniac of Miami - plus much more.
I would have given this collection a higher rating if I was American and especially Floridian, as a lot of the specific issues and people that he talks about are foreign to me, and so not quite as interesting or relevant from my persepctive. Still, I enjoyed it and if you are a fan of Hiaasen, I think you will too.

[North Richland Hills Public Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

This compilation of Miami Herald articles by Hiaasen is sobering. As much as I enjoy Hiaasen's fiction, it is disturbing to see that his unflinching reporting of major problems in his home state of Florida, some articles going back to the early 2000s, has had little effect on changing government corruption, flawed programs for child services and services to the elderly, the continued selling of real estate at the cost of the environment and more. Maybe the articles are so unsettling because what many Americans may have considered troubles confined to Florida are actually nationwide problems. Taken as a whole, this is a book of finely written pieces, spotlighting unthinkable ills that may leave readers with a dismal view of the future. Read it, anyway.

[Mark Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've read several of Carl Hiaasen's novels but this was the first of his collected columns for me. Many of the columns were rather depressing because he writes about the vanishing wilderness in Florida and how people have trashed the environment. His humor does shine through in many of the stories and I enjoyed the selections concerning "Pseudonews" and some of the more offbeat topics that are only puff entertainment issues. I know he has made a difference in the voting outcomes of many elections for state officials and his work on behalf of the environment is commendable. I recommend reading this book in short bursts because too many at one time can be disheartening.