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Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own
Join the movement that celebrates single living with Peter McGraw's groundbreaking book, Solo.
Amid the complexities of modern relationships, loneliness epidemics, and online dating burnout, there's a refreshing going Solo. "Solos," as coined by behavioral economist Peter McGraw, are people who choose to lead their lives authentically, purposefully, and passionately outside the confines of traditional relationship labels.
In a world built for two, Solos break the rules and hold space for every type of individual—single and not. Meet the thriving "Just Mays," who welcome romance if it comes their way, the determined "No Ways," who prefer life unpartnered, and the bold "New Ways," who redefine and redesign what relationships even mean.
Which one are you?
In contrast with the "Someday" singles who hang personal fulfillment on the success of a "serious" long-term relationship, McGraw reveals the secrets of happiness that Solos have already unlocked, offering listeners a roadmap to reinventing sex, dating, romance, and beyond.
Backed by scientific insights and McGraw's experience as a lifelong bachelor, Solo offers a blueprint for cultivating fulfilling relationships and creating a rich remarkable life. Solo is your invitation to pursue a life uniquely your own.
Amid the complexities of modern relationships, loneliness epidemics, and online dating burnout, there's a refreshing going Solo. "Solos," as coined by behavioral economist Peter McGraw, are people who choose to lead their lives authentically, purposefully, and passionately outside the confines of traditional relationship labels.
In a world built for two, Solos break the rules and hold space for every type of individual—single and not. Meet the thriving "Just Mays," who welcome romance if it comes their way, the determined "No Ways," who prefer life unpartnered, and the bold "New Ways," who redefine and redesign what relationships even mean.
Which one are you?
In contrast with the "Someday" singles who hang personal fulfillment on the success of a "serious" long-term relationship, McGraw reveals the secrets of happiness that Solos have already unlocked, offering listeners a roadmap to reinventing sex, dating, romance, and beyond.
Backed by scientific insights and McGraw's experience as a lifelong bachelor, Solo offers a blueprint for cultivating fulfilling relationships and creating a rich remarkable life. Solo is your invitation to pursue a life uniquely your own.
256 pages, Paperback
First published January 30, 2024
90 people are currently reading
1168 people want to read
About the author
Peter McGraw
3 books36 followersDr. Peter McGraw is a bachelor, behavioral economist, and business school professor at the University of Colorado, Boulder.
He hosts the podcast Solo-The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life, he writes for Single Insights – The Science of Solos, and hosts The Solo Salon. His latest book, Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own, launches in 2024.
As a global expert on the scientific study of humor, McGraw founded the Humor Research Lab (aka HuRL) and has spent more than fifteen years examining the antecedents and consequences of humor. In 2014, he co-authored The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny. In 2020, he authored: Shtick to Business: What the Masters of Comedy can Teach You about Breaking Rules, Being Fearless, and Building a Serious Career.
As a marketing and psychology professor at the University of Colorado, Boulder, McGraw has completed research that has been covered by The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, BBC, TIME, CNN, Wired, and Harvard Business Review. McGraw has also written for Slate, Wired, Fortune, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today.
McGraw teaches graduate courses in Behavioral Economics for the University of Colorado, Boulder and MBA courses in Marketing Management for London Business School, University of California, San Diego’s Rady School, and University of Colorado, Boulder.
He has spoken at Fortune 500 companies, public events, and universities around the world.
He hosts the podcast Solo-The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life, he writes for Single Insights – The Science of Solos, and hosts The Solo Salon. His latest book, Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own, launches in 2024.
As a global expert on the scientific study of humor, McGraw founded the Humor Research Lab (aka HuRL) and has spent more than fifteen years examining the antecedents and consequences of humor. In 2014, he co-authored The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny. In 2020, he authored: Shtick to Business: What the Masters of Comedy can Teach You about Breaking Rules, Being Fearless, and Building a Serious Career.
As a marketing and psychology professor at the University of Colorado, Boulder, McGraw has completed research that has been covered by The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, BBC, TIME, CNN, Wired, and Harvard Business Review. McGraw has also written for Slate, Wired, Fortune, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today.
McGraw teaches graduate courses in Behavioral Economics for the University of Colorado, Boulder and MBA courses in Marketing Management for London Business School, University of California, San Diego’s Rady School, and University of Colorado, Boulder.
He has spoken at Fortune 500 companies, public events, and universities around the world.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
March 2, 2024
My cousin handed this off to me to read for inspiration, and perhaps for validation as well, and I found some of both. Focused on the population which has eschewed the relationship escalator and elects to pursue a nontraditional lifestyle (despite living in a society which very much prioritizes and rewards those who follow a traditional path, whether that is financially, socially, or otherwise), this book details the makings of a growing demographic breaking free of those bonds.
Definitely worth the read and much needed at this time. My only flag is that it's very clearly written by a cishet white man who didn't do much work to be thoughtful around inclusion of diverse viewpoints (e.g., there seems to be a lot of talk around working out/bodies which is not inclusive and ends up coming across as either ableist or parrots a lot of the discourse around fatphobia, etc.).
Definitely worth the read and much needed at this time. My only flag is that it's very clearly written by a cishet white man who didn't do much work to be thoughtful around inclusion of diverse viewpoints (e.g., there seems to be a lot of talk around working out/bodies which is not inclusive and ends up coming across as either ableist or parrots a lot of the discourse around fatphobia, etc.).
July 9, 2024
I wish I had read this book when I was in highschool or early college. I've already discovered many of the truths contained herein, but it would have been lovely to discover them earlier. It was very affirming to read through the exploration and possibilities of a solo life. I also realized just how lucky I am to have found a community where this book’s ideas are well within the norm. The only thing I didn't like was the emphasis on a remarkable life over a comfortable life. There were nods to the fact that not all solo lives need to be examples, but such a choice seemed to be presented as less of worth.
May 5, 2024
I am a happy Solo
After my second marriage failed and I was a single mother of two young daughters, being Solo was a relief. Loved this book.
After my second marriage failed and I was a single mother of two young daughters, being Solo was a relief. Loved this book.
April 1, 2024
I absolutely love this book. As an avid listener of the Solo podcast (also highly recommended) for the last couple of years (no idea how many, covid has skewed my concept of recent time) it is fantastic to see the lessons, knowledge, and experienced gained through those episodes come together in one place. Before the podcast and before this book, I was a single person wondering where I fit in the world as I didn't have the language to explain what I wanted from life. But now thanks to Peter and others like him, the language started by Bella DePaulo has grown and become increasingly better known, possibly even becoming widespread.
McGraw draws on his many podcast episodes, his training as a researcher, and his own experiences as well as those from the Solo community to lay out the options for living outside of the relationship escalator. This ranges from those who simply don't want to marry but may want many other aspects of the escalator to those who want nothing to do with it and want to live single and solo forever more, and everything in between. McGraw takes the reader through where the escalator came from, why it is still so prevalent, and how you can free yourself from it should you wish to. He acknowledges that his view is limited as a white able-bodied man and he incorporates the experiences of the community at the end of each chapter to give wider viewpoints of the matters covered. This all then comes together to leave the reader with the feeling of empowerment and choice and the tools to reflect and decide how you want to live and how to do so in an authentic and remarkable way, and remarkable doesn't have to be big and bold, it can be small and quiet, as long as it is fulfilling for you, as an individual and a human.
This last message has been a saving grace for me. It has helped me put aside the internal pressure to 'make up for' not wanting marriage or kids. I have nothing to make up for, and neither do you.
I will be reading this again, and it will get tabbed, underlined and highlighted.
McGraw draws on his many podcast episodes, his training as a researcher, and his own experiences as well as those from the Solo community to lay out the options for living outside of the relationship escalator. This ranges from those who simply don't want to marry but may want many other aspects of the escalator to those who want nothing to do with it and want to live single and solo forever more, and everything in between. McGraw takes the reader through where the escalator came from, why it is still so prevalent, and how you can free yourself from it should you wish to. He acknowledges that his view is limited as a white able-bodied man and he incorporates the experiences of the community at the end of each chapter to give wider viewpoints of the matters covered. This all then comes together to leave the reader with the feeling of empowerment and choice and the tools to reflect and decide how you want to live and how to do so in an authentic and remarkable way, and remarkable doesn't have to be big and bold, it can be small and quiet, as long as it is fulfilling for you, as an individual and a human.
This last message has been a saving grace for me. It has helped me put aside the internal pressure to 'make up for' not wanting marriage or kids. I have nothing to make up for, and neither do you.
I will be reading this again, and it will get tabbed, underlined and highlighted.
May 13, 2025
The first part of the book read a little bit like a manual written by a small town preacher. The more into the book, the more interesting it became, although the readers' letters are completely unnecessary and only give the book a very cheesy aftertaste.
February 14, 2025
niekoniecznie tryb życia "solo" jest dla mnie, nie zgadzam się z niektórymi stwierdzeniami autora, ciekawa lektura, tłumaczy pewne zachowania w obecnym świecie, nie zostanie na długo w mojej pamięci, liczyłam na więcej, przeciętna
przeczytałam w wersji z polskim tłumaczeniem
przeczytałam w wersji z polskim tłumaczeniem
July 2, 2024
I stumbled upon this book through finding a podcast by the author. I'd simply been looking for ideas about solo travel and found instead, a new and better way of thinking about my life and what I wanted from it. This book puts words to feelings I had and helped me reframe a path to greater confidence and happiness.
July 31, 2025
bardzo ciekawa ksiazka, pokazuje jak można byc szczęśliwym ze sobą.
July 7, 2025
I feel like this book unintentionally trivialized a very normal life while trying to sensationalize it.
June 18, 2024
Waste of time. Just read last 2 chapters. Pre-requisites are watching stupid shows aimed at women like Sex in the City and children Frozen. Most of the Solo love letters speak to fringe groups. Nothing here for 60+ heterosexual. Hoping for more actual instruction on solo travel, etc.
September 15, 2024
This is a good book if you're wandering about starting a Solo life, but it was super boring for me. Learned nothing new.
August 20, 2025
Poddałam się na 36% tej książki i na argumencie że będąc samemu nie trzeba słuchać chrapania drugiej osoby, ale że przetrwałam ponad 1/3 książki to dam sobie jako przeczytane w nagrodę
February 11, 2024
tl;dr -Solo is an important work on how to pursue a fulfilling life, unconfined by the societal mores of traditional relationships.
-----
Modern western society is structured around, and heavily tilts the scales toward, those who pursue a nuclear family & until-death monogamy. Full stop. Good luck, have fun! I tried to conform to and struggled with this rigid structure in early adulthood. When I started caring less about cultural pressures and making decisions that felt right for me, I learned a lot about myself and my level of resolve.
Still, I felt marooned on an island as it were. A scant few were purposefully going against the grain in my Midwest suburban locale. There weren't any resources of support I was aware of, much less a community of like minded people. Fast forward to the present day, and things have changed for the better. Pursuing a life alternative to the "relationship escalator", as the author calls it, is more common and one can find a burgeoning number of works in this area.
Solo, by Dr. Peter McGraw, is the latest entrant, and is ambitious in scope. Dr. McGraw spends some introductory time discussing how we ended up in this era of human domestication; how things are so easy for those who conform, and exponentially more difficult for those who don't.
He then pivots to a cirrus level view of harnessing unconventionality, to create a shift in mindset from being in a transitory state of "single", to a lasting lifestyle of "Solo". This area is one in which I struggled for years, lacking a high level scaffolding upon which to build my unconventional life. As such, I feel this section is one of the most compelling I have read in any book, on any subject. It is as if Dr. McGraw distilled 20 years of my life experience & growth into a single chapter. Kudos.
Significant focus is then spent on optionality in life and relationship choices, inclusive of those seeking little or no romance on one end, as well as folks who desire a polyamorous lifestyle on the other. The standout area for me was the chapter on relationship design. As a developer & engineer of software, this thoughtful and methodical approach to setting up any relationship for success was brilliant. For all my perambulatory thought, it had never occurred to me to approach relationships in this manner. It may strike some as too clinical an approach. I can understand that, however the concept of being completely transparent about one's idiosyncrasies & expectations, at the outset, is powerful. Even more powerful is the concept of renegotiating things that may not be working as planned.
With the solo mindset and relationship foci covered, the final chapters of the book go into great detail on how to build the foundation of and flourish in pursuit of a remarkable life. I tend toward the term "authentic", as "remarkable" cuts both ways, but I'm picking nits. Dr. McGraw is very careful with his word choice, and I understand why the word remarkable is sprinkled liberally throughout the text. It is, after all, a more versatile term.
The foundational pillars are well laid out, covering physical well being, financial prosperity, and human connection in equal measure. I have for many years been practicing a healthy lifestyle and am very fortunate to enjoy financial freedom. There were times in my life when I lacked both, and I can speak to the criticality of these pillars. In recent years I've been more focused on improving my interpersonal connections, so for me the section laying out the components of a great friendship was stellar.
The penultimate chapter on how to flourish with one's foundations is important as well. Seeking purpose and being highly engaged may seem self evident, though in my experience are their own constant challenges requiring frequent tuning and course correction. Positive emotion, and in particular the mention of eudaimonia as an ideal, resonates deeply.
Finally, some space is dedicated to making a case for solitude. I feel for many solos, this area is fairly well worn and I concur with Dr. McGraw's placement of this topic at the end of his work. The term "aloneliness", or having too little solitude, was itself new to me and I intend to use it! The jist is: to know oneself, to reflect, to be creative... these are pursuits generally best realized in solitude.
The book closes with an invitation to be a part of the Solo community, which has both real life and internet based components. I cannot overstate that this is the area where Dr. McGraw's ongoing work stands head and shoulders above the rest. Through the course of the last five years, he self identified as being obsessed with his Solo project and podcast of the same name. The Solo book, and the community he's cultivated, are a direct result of *thousands* of hours of stalwart dedication. It is abundantly clear that Dr. McGraw is personally invested in the project, and for that, I along with myriad others are thankful.
Speaking of community, it bears mentioning that, at the end of each chapter are a couple "Solo Love Letter"s, submitted by members of the community. Reading their candid thoughts is very heartening and engenders a sense of camaraderie throughout the book.
Whether you're looking for some structure and guidance on how to be solo in this overly coupled world, or you're simply curious, I wholeheartedly recommend that you give Solo a read. I believe that both readers and future authors alike will find it a solid foundation upon which to build.
-----
Modern western society is structured around, and heavily tilts the scales toward, those who pursue a nuclear family & until-death monogamy. Full stop. Good luck, have fun! I tried to conform to and struggled with this rigid structure in early adulthood. When I started caring less about cultural pressures and making decisions that felt right for me, I learned a lot about myself and my level of resolve.
Still, I felt marooned on an island as it were. A scant few were purposefully going against the grain in my Midwest suburban locale. There weren't any resources of support I was aware of, much less a community of like minded people. Fast forward to the present day, and things have changed for the better. Pursuing a life alternative to the "relationship escalator", as the author calls it, is more common and one can find a burgeoning number of works in this area.
Solo, by Dr. Peter McGraw, is the latest entrant, and is ambitious in scope. Dr. McGraw spends some introductory time discussing how we ended up in this era of human domestication; how things are so easy for those who conform, and exponentially more difficult for those who don't.
He then pivots to a cirrus level view of harnessing unconventionality, to create a shift in mindset from being in a transitory state of "single", to a lasting lifestyle of "Solo". This area is one in which I struggled for years, lacking a high level scaffolding upon which to build my unconventional life. As such, I feel this section is one of the most compelling I have read in any book, on any subject. It is as if Dr. McGraw distilled 20 years of my life experience & growth into a single chapter. Kudos.
Significant focus is then spent on optionality in life and relationship choices, inclusive of those seeking little or no romance on one end, as well as folks who desire a polyamorous lifestyle on the other. The standout area for me was the chapter on relationship design. As a developer & engineer of software, this thoughtful and methodical approach to setting up any relationship for success was brilliant. For all my perambulatory thought, it had never occurred to me to approach relationships in this manner. It may strike some as too clinical an approach. I can understand that, however the concept of being completely transparent about one's idiosyncrasies & expectations, at the outset, is powerful. Even more powerful is the concept of renegotiating things that may not be working as planned.
With the solo mindset and relationship foci covered, the final chapters of the book go into great detail on how to build the foundation of and flourish in pursuit of a remarkable life. I tend toward the term "authentic", as "remarkable" cuts both ways, but I'm picking nits. Dr. McGraw is very careful with his word choice, and I understand why the word remarkable is sprinkled liberally throughout the text. It is, after all, a more versatile term.
The foundational pillars are well laid out, covering physical well being, financial prosperity, and human connection in equal measure. I have for many years been practicing a healthy lifestyle and am very fortunate to enjoy financial freedom. There were times in my life when I lacked both, and I can speak to the criticality of these pillars. In recent years I've been more focused on improving my interpersonal connections, so for me the section laying out the components of a great friendship was stellar.
The penultimate chapter on how to flourish with one's foundations is important as well. Seeking purpose and being highly engaged may seem self evident, though in my experience are their own constant challenges requiring frequent tuning and course correction. Positive emotion, and in particular the mention of eudaimonia as an ideal, resonates deeply.
Finally, some space is dedicated to making a case for solitude. I feel for many solos, this area is fairly well worn and I concur with Dr. McGraw's placement of this topic at the end of his work. The term "aloneliness", or having too little solitude, was itself new to me and I intend to use it! The jist is: to know oneself, to reflect, to be creative... these are pursuits generally best realized in solitude.
The book closes with an invitation to be a part of the Solo community, which has both real life and internet based components. I cannot overstate that this is the area where Dr. McGraw's ongoing work stands head and shoulders above the rest. Through the course of the last five years, he self identified as being obsessed with his Solo project and podcast of the same name. The Solo book, and the community he's cultivated, are a direct result of *thousands* of hours of stalwart dedication. It is abundantly clear that Dr. McGraw is personally invested in the project, and for that, I along with myriad others are thankful.
Speaking of community, it bears mentioning that, at the end of each chapter are a couple "Solo Love Letter"s, submitted by members of the community. Reading their candid thoughts is very heartening and engenders a sense of camaraderie throughout the book.
Whether you're looking for some structure and guidance on how to be solo in this overly coupled world, or you're simply curious, I wholeheartedly recommend that you give Solo a read. I believe that both readers and future authors alike will find it a solid foundation upon which to build.
January 5, 2025
Tõtt öelda poleks ma seda raamatut siiski laenanud kui oleksin esmalt lähemalt tutvunud... Aga lähtusin alapeakirjast, mis kõlab ju hästi. Ent mulle tundub, et suur osa raamatu algusest kulub põhimõtteliselt vingumisele paarisuhte kallal (minu arvates) ja see on natuke tüütu. Kuigi enamus autori esitatud mõtteid pole ju tingimata ka valed ning kõik võib sõltuda sellest, mis mätta otsast asju vaadata.
On kahtlemata hea, et selline raamat on ikkagi kirjutatud, julgustades üksi elavaid inimesi julgelt oma isiklikke valikuid tegema. Aga selle kõrvalt halvustada neid, kes on valinud teise tee, see mulle ka ei meeldi. Kooselusid on erinevaid, elusid on erinevaid. Jäägu igaühele oma. Tegelikult ma arvan, et autori pakutud "suhtedisaini" põhimõte kehtib tänapäeval igas sellises suhtes, mis soovib teise osapoole/osapooltega arvestada, see pole mingi "solistide" eripära. Parimas versioonis inimesed ikka räägivad omavahel asjadest, mitte ei lihtsalt ei tee oletusi. "Suhtedisain annab inimestele avatud suhtlemise ja läbirääkimiste abil võimaluse kujundada suhteid, mis on nende väärtuste ja vajadustega igas mõttes kooskõlas." Kõlab nagu üks hea, vastastikusel arusaamisel põhinev suhe. Aga ei tahaks uskuda, et sellised mõtted nüüd just praegu äkitselt väga uudseks osutuvad.
Siiski võiks just nimelt noortele, kes plaanivad abielluda, olla abiks McGraw pakutud "konteineri" loomine. Ehk siis olulistest asjadest räägitakse, tehakse kokkuleppeid, pakutakse variante ning testitakse neid. Ja lõpuks ka hinnatakse "konteineri" toimivust, vaadatakse kokkulepped uuesti üle, kohandatakse neid, räägitakse vajadusel asju uuesti läbi ja muudetakse...
Raamat võiks olla väga heaks abiliseks neile, kes on näiteks pärast lahkuminekut üksi jäänud. Lahutus, lahkuminek või kaaslase surma järel üksi jäämine on väga raske, ent inimene on väärtuslik ka ilma suhtes olemata ning see võiks olla midagi, mida õppida autori kirjeldatud "solistidelt". Ka siis kui ei soovita jääda elu lõpuni üksikuks, võiks uutmoodi mõtteviis edasi aidata, et inimene ei jääks kinni oma leina ning ei jääks lihtsalt ootama kuni "keegi ta leiab" või keegi "õige" tema teele satub. Arusaamine, et oleme väärtuslikud ning täiuslikud ka üksikisikutena, võiks olla miski, mida õpime juba lapsest peale. Siis ei õpetaks me end olema liigsõltuvad teistest ning nende arvamustest.
Oluline tähelepanek autorilt on, et inimese elu tähelepanuväärsust võib ta tegelikult hinnata vaid ise - sel pole otseselt kriteeriumeid ning kui inimene need ise seabki, võivad need ajas muutuda. Kõige tähtsam on tema enda rahulolu oma eluga ja eesmärkidega. Sarnaselt Maslow mudeliga soovis autor luua enda oma, mis oleks nagu purjepaat. Alusvajadustena (paadikere) näeb autor tervist, jõukust ja kogukonda. Kui need vajadused on täidetud, võib toimuda õitseng, ehk lehvima hakkab paadipuri ja inimene teostab end aladel, mis ta on välja valinud.
Siiski teeb pahaseks kui autor loetleb tegevusi, mis tema järgi oleks nagu just "solistide" jaoks ja need on paraku ju needsamad, millega ükskõik milline inimene võiks tegeleda, elagu ta siis üksi, kahekesi, lastega, koerte-kassidega... vahet pole. Ma ütleks, et paraku ei näe midagi ülikangelaslikku selles kui näiteks vabatahtliku tööd teeb keegi, kellel selleks "solisti" elu kõrvalt mõnusasti aega ja energiat jagub. See on hea, et seda tehakse. Aga minu suurem imetlus kuulub ikkagi neile, kes leiavad aega ja energiat teha seda näiteks pere ja laste kõrvalt nii, et kõigile tähelepanu jagub. Ohjah. Ja lõpuks pole ju vahet - tähtis on, et inimene ise tahab seda teha, mitte see kas ta elab oma tähtsa eluülesande täitmise ajal üksi või mitmekesi.
Nõuanded tervislikuks eluks on õiged, aga kui rõhutada, et "solistile on väga oluline korralikult välja puhata" või muud selline jutt, siis mis mõttes? Ja teistele pole oluline või? No tõepoolest - paraku väikeste laste vanemad ei saa peaaegu kunagi oma und täis magada, aga see ei tähenda, et uni nende tervisele oluline poleks. Aga nõuanded ise on muidugi head, tasub läbi lugeda kui raamat juba kätte on sattunud. Aga muidu? Ma ei tea. Lootsin, et ehk ma kuidagi leebun raamatu suhtes, aga ikkagi selline ühiskonna poolitamine kus abielus inimesed on halvad ja rumalad ning "solistid" uhked ja head... Tjahhh...
On kahtlemata hea, et selline raamat on ikkagi kirjutatud, julgustades üksi elavaid inimesi julgelt oma isiklikke valikuid tegema. Aga selle kõrvalt halvustada neid, kes on valinud teise tee, see mulle ka ei meeldi. Kooselusid on erinevaid, elusid on erinevaid. Jäägu igaühele oma. Tegelikult ma arvan, et autori pakutud "suhtedisaini" põhimõte kehtib tänapäeval igas sellises suhtes, mis soovib teise osapoole/osapooltega arvestada, see pole mingi "solistide" eripära. Parimas versioonis inimesed ikka räägivad omavahel asjadest, mitte ei lihtsalt ei tee oletusi. "Suhtedisain annab inimestele avatud suhtlemise ja läbirääkimiste abil võimaluse kujundada suhteid, mis on nende väärtuste ja vajadustega igas mõttes kooskõlas." Kõlab nagu üks hea, vastastikusel arusaamisel põhinev suhe. Aga ei tahaks uskuda, et sellised mõtted nüüd just praegu äkitselt väga uudseks osutuvad.
Siiski võiks just nimelt noortele, kes plaanivad abielluda, olla abiks McGraw pakutud "konteineri" loomine. Ehk siis olulistest asjadest räägitakse, tehakse kokkuleppeid, pakutakse variante ning testitakse neid. Ja lõpuks ka hinnatakse "konteineri" toimivust, vaadatakse kokkulepped uuesti üle, kohandatakse neid, räägitakse vajadusel asju uuesti läbi ja muudetakse...
Raamat võiks olla väga heaks abiliseks neile, kes on näiteks pärast lahkuminekut üksi jäänud. Lahutus, lahkuminek või kaaslase surma järel üksi jäämine on väga raske, ent inimene on väärtuslik ka ilma suhtes olemata ning see võiks olla midagi, mida õppida autori kirjeldatud "solistidelt". Ka siis kui ei soovita jääda elu lõpuni üksikuks, võiks uutmoodi mõtteviis edasi aidata, et inimene ei jääks kinni oma leina ning ei jääks lihtsalt ootama kuni "keegi ta leiab" või keegi "õige" tema teele satub. Arusaamine, et oleme väärtuslikud ning täiuslikud ka üksikisikutena, võiks olla miski, mida õpime juba lapsest peale. Siis ei õpetaks me end olema liigsõltuvad teistest ning nende arvamustest.
Oluline tähelepanek autorilt on, et inimese elu tähelepanuväärsust võib ta tegelikult hinnata vaid ise - sel pole otseselt kriteeriumeid ning kui inimene need ise seabki, võivad need ajas muutuda. Kõige tähtsam on tema enda rahulolu oma eluga ja eesmärkidega. Sarnaselt Maslow mudeliga soovis autor luua enda oma, mis oleks nagu purjepaat. Alusvajadustena (paadikere) näeb autor tervist, jõukust ja kogukonda. Kui need vajadused on täidetud, võib toimuda õitseng, ehk lehvima hakkab paadipuri ja inimene teostab end aladel, mis ta on välja valinud.
Siiski teeb pahaseks kui autor loetleb tegevusi, mis tema järgi oleks nagu just "solistide" jaoks ja need on paraku ju needsamad, millega ükskõik milline inimene võiks tegeleda, elagu ta siis üksi, kahekesi, lastega, koerte-kassidega... vahet pole. Ma ütleks, et paraku ei näe midagi ülikangelaslikku selles kui näiteks vabatahtliku tööd teeb keegi, kellel selleks "solisti" elu kõrvalt mõnusasti aega ja energiat jagub. See on hea, et seda tehakse. Aga minu suurem imetlus kuulub ikkagi neile, kes leiavad aega ja energiat teha seda näiteks pere ja laste kõrvalt nii, et kõigile tähelepanu jagub. Ohjah. Ja lõpuks pole ju vahet - tähtis on, et inimene ise tahab seda teha, mitte see kas ta elab oma tähtsa eluülesande täitmise ajal üksi või mitmekesi.
Nõuanded tervislikuks eluks on õiged, aga kui rõhutada, et "solistile on väga oluline korralikult välja puhata" või muud selline jutt, siis mis mõttes? Ja teistele pole oluline või? No tõepoolest - paraku väikeste laste vanemad ei saa peaaegu kunagi oma und täis magada, aga see ei tähenda, et uni nende tervisele oluline poleks. Aga nõuanded ise on muidugi head, tasub läbi lugeda kui raamat juba kätte on sattunud. Aga muidu? Ma ei tea. Lootsin, et ehk ma kuidagi leebun raamatu suhtes, aga ikkagi selline ühiskonna poolitamine kus abielus inimesed on halvad ja rumalad ning "solistid" uhked ja head... Tjahhh...
January 31, 2025
• Milline on minu lemmik statistikakild? Sada protsenti inimestest olid, on või saavad uuesti vallaliseks. Mae West on teravmeelitsenud: "Ma olen vallaline, sest ma sündisin sellisena."
• Solistid ei pea vallaliseelu üleminekufaasiks ega madalamaks seisundiks. Solistid naudivad oma ainulaadsust.
Solistid peavad oluliseks nii iseseisvust, sõltumatust kui oma eluga hakkamasaamist ning hoiavad elus ka suhteid kogukonnaga. Solistid hoolitsevad oma vajaduste eest ise ja näevad suhteid - olgu siis romantilisi või platoonilisi - pigem arenguvõimaluse, mitte oma elu putitamise vahendina. Kõik vallalised inimesed ei ole solistid, kõik solistid ei ole vallalised. Solisti mõtteviis ei ole seotud suhtestaatusega. Solistid võivad romantilisi suhteid alustada ja lõpetada ilma oma identiteeti kaotamata.
Ja lõpuks, solistid seavad kahtluse alla romantiliste suhete kohta käivad käibetõed. Nad tunnistavad, et kõik ei taha ega vaja partnerit ja kooselu. Solistid seavad kahtluse alla laias laastus kõik üldkehtivad "reeglid". Tavapärastest väärtustest ja elustiilist kõrvale kaldumine ei valmista neile vähimatki ebamugavust. Nad ei pea romantilist suhet ainukeseks võimalikuks eluviisiks ning naudivad viisakaks jäädes ebakonventsionaalsust.
Solisti eluviisiga käib kaasas tõdemus, et meie maailmas on täiesti loomulik vallaline olla. Au sisse on tõstetud üksikisik. Solisti eluviis tähendab, et inimene lõpetab ootamise ja hak kab kohe elama sellist elu, nagu soovib. (Meenutagem siin kohal jälle Mae Westi.)
• Raha, demokraatia, börs, kõrgharidus, maaomand ja isegi kellegi lahedaks pidamine on näited fiktsioonidest, millel on oluline ühiskondlik tähendus. Teadlased nimetavad neid fiktsioone sageli "sotsiaalseteks konstruktsioonideks". Mina eelistan Harari pakutud väljendit, sest "fiktsioon" tuletab meelde, et paljud asjad, mis tunduvad olevat väga olulised, on lihtsalt väljamõeldised.
Mina kasutan tõeliste faktide ja väljamõeldud fiktsioonide eristamiseks zombiapokalüpsise katset. Viimselpäeval variseb kultuur kokku. Kuulid teevad endiselt valu ja orgasm pakub rahuldust, aga edu ja staatusega - näiteks Harvardist saadud kõrgkoolidiplom või oma maja - seotud fiktsioonid kaotavad tähenduse. Siis on oluline ainult meid vahetult ümbritsev tegelikkus. :Kas sa tuld oskad teha?" "Kas sa haava oskad kinni õmmelda?" Ja kõige tähtsam küsimus: "Kas sa oled osav zombide tapja?"
• Solistiks hakkamine on julgustükk, mis trotsib kodustamist. Hulljulged solistid meisterdavad endale ainulaadse elu. Nemad küsivad, kas institutsioonid teenivad üksikisikut või ühiskonda. Nemad seavad reeglid kahtluse alla ja püüavad aru saada, kui-das need normid loodi ja millist mõju need meile avaldavad. Selle teadmisega varustatud solistid saavad alustada enese vabastamist ja reegleid kas painutada või murda, kui see peaks vajalikuks osutuma.
• Sissekäidud eluradasid tallavad inimesed ei pea peaaegu kunagi end kaitsma, kuid paljud neist pärivad enesekindlalt selgitusi teiste inimeste valikute kohta.
• Solistid ei pea vallaliseelu üleminekufaasiks ega madalamaks seisundiks. Solistid naudivad oma ainulaadsust.
Solistid peavad oluliseks nii iseseisvust, sõltumatust kui oma eluga hakkamasaamist ning hoiavad elus ka suhteid kogukonnaga. Solistid hoolitsevad oma vajaduste eest ise ja näevad suhteid - olgu siis romantilisi või platoonilisi - pigem arenguvõimaluse, mitte oma elu putitamise vahendina. Kõik vallalised inimesed ei ole solistid, kõik solistid ei ole vallalised. Solisti mõtteviis ei ole seotud suhtestaatusega. Solistid võivad romantilisi suhteid alustada ja lõpetada ilma oma identiteeti kaotamata.
Ja lõpuks, solistid seavad kahtluse alla romantiliste suhete kohta käivad käibetõed. Nad tunnistavad, et kõik ei taha ega vaja partnerit ja kooselu. Solistid seavad kahtluse alla laias laastus kõik üldkehtivad "reeglid". Tavapärastest väärtustest ja elustiilist kõrvale kaldumine ei valmista neile vähimatki ebamugavust. Nad ei pea romantilist suhet ainukeseks võimalikuks eluviisiks ning naudivad viisakaks jäädes ebakonventsionaalsust.
Solisti eluviisiga käib kaasas tõdemus, et meie maailmas on täiesti loomulik vallaline olla. Au sisse on tõstetud üksikisik. Solisti eluviis tähendab, et inimene lõpetab ootamise ja hak kab kohe elama sellist elu, nagu soovib. (Meenutagem siin kohal jälle Mae Westi.)
• Raha, demokraatia, börs, kõrgharidus, maaomand ja isegi kellegi lahedaks pidamine on näited fiktsioonidest, millel on oluline ühiskondlik tähendus. Teadlased nimetavad neid fiktsioone sageli "sotsiaalseteks konstruktsioonideks". Mina eelistan Harari pakutud väljendit, sest "fiktsioon" tuletab meelde, et paljud asjad, mis tunduvad olevat väga olulised, on lihtsalt väljamõeldised.
Mina kasutan tõeliste faktide ja väljamõeldud fiktsioonide eristamiseks zombiapokalüpsise katset. Viimselpäeval variseb kultuur kokku. Kuulid teevad endiselt valu ja orgasm pakub rahuldust, aga edu ja staatusega - näiteks Harvardist saadud kõrgkoolidiplom või oma maja - seotud fiktsioonid kaotavad tähenduse. Siis on oluline ainult meid vahetult ümbritsev tegelikkus. :Kas sa tuld oskad teha?" "Kas sa haava oskad kinni õmmelda?" Ja kõige tähtsam küsimus: "Kas sa oled osav zombide tapja?"
• Solistiks hakkamine on julgustükk, mis trotsib kodustamist. Hulljulged solistid meisterdavad endale ainulaadse elu. Nemad küsivad, kas institutsioonid teenivad üksikisikut või ühiskonda. Nemad seavad reeglid kahtluse alla ja püüavad aru saada, kui-das need normid loodi ja millist mõju need meile avaldavad. Selle teadmisega varustatud solistid saavad alustada enese vabastamist ja reegleid kas painutada või murda, kui see peaks vajalikuks osutuma.
• Sissekäidud eluradasid tallavad inimesed ei pea peaaegu kunagi end kaitsma, kuid paljud neist pärivad enesekindlalt selgitusi teiste inimeste valikute kohta.
February 10, 2024
With a skilful blend of narrative and scientific data Dr Peter McGraw outlines the remarkable benefits of living a life as a Solo person rather than a single person. As he states it is a mindset that defines a Solo person rather than living as a single person, a Solo person identifies themselves as a whole person living a remarkable life full of adventure, joyful friendship and delightful quiet activities, a life that is wholly theirs rather than waiting for a mythical someone to cleave to before they begin to "live" their life. As a person who has always considered themselves single but through Peter's podcast Solo learned a whole new set of language that explained what I intuitively understood about myself, this book and its podcast from when it sprung has really clarified and given me so much joy and community to find for myself. I highly recommend reading this book if you have ever felt out of place in a society that insists you must be romantically attached to another to experience the mythical happiness one is supposed to experience when you are already quite happy as a Solo but you just don't know it!
May 4, 2024
As a "Solo" my entire adult life, on the "Just May-No Way" end of the spectrum (to use McGraw's terminology) I have been increasingly curious about understanding the possible causes of my preference for this lifestyle.
Like much of what I've read in this "Single Life" genre, this book comes off as another work of apologia for singlehood-by-choice. It reads like watered down Bella DePaulo (if you dabble in this genre, the name is familiar).
The book is made of the usual, expected ingredients of stats about increasing singlehood, stories about happy singles, talking smack about traditional relationship and family structures, some generic wellness and wellbeing tips, peppered with the author's repeated declarations that his choices are good and valid too goddammit! There is no attempt to look into the potential psychologies of Solo-ness vs. the conventional coupled life, philosophical takes on such (Nietzsche? Kierkegaard? etc), discussion of avenues to lifelong meaning beyond the tired cliches about independence and you do you, boo.
Like much of what I've read in this "Single Life" genre, this book comes off as another work of apologia for singlehood-by-choice. It reads like watered down Bella DePaulo (if you dabble in this genre, the name is familiar).
The book is made of the usual, expected ingredients of stats about increasing singlehood, stories about happy singles, talking smack about traditional relationship and family structures, some generic wellness and wellbeing tips, peppered with the author's repeated declarations that his choices are good and valid too goddammit! There is no attempt to look into the potential psychologies of Solo-ness vs. the conventional coupled life, philosophical takes on such (Nietzsche? Kierkegaard? etc), discussion of avenues to lifelong meaning beyond the tired cliches about independence and you do you, boo.
September 28, 2025
This book is rather unique amongst the lifestyle genre. Normally, books like this are written from a woman's point of view. However, this book was written by a modern and successful bachelor and incorporates his own points of view, along with extensive research into the many different topics of being 'Solo' in a world built for two.
There's no notable bias in this book. Both men and women from all walks of life are featured in the "Solo Love Letters", documenting their experiences on way this way of life is better for them.
I enjoyed this book. Dr. Peter McGraw didn't just write this book on some sort of needless whim. His statements and explanations into the single lifestyle are backed up by scientific data and research that explores why so many people are choosing a solo existence.
There's no notable bias in this book. Both men and women from all walks of life are featured in the "Solo Love Letters", documenting their experiences on way this way of life is better for them.
I enjoyed this book. Dr. Peter McGraw didn't just write this book on some sort of needless whim. His statements and explanations into the single lifestyle are backed up by scientific data and research that explores why so many people are choosing a solo existence.
April 18, 2025
Trochę za dużo danych statystycznych i badań naukowych na temat singli (około 30% książki). Taki jest początek, dalej jest lepiej i mowa o odwadze robienia różnych rzeczy, bez czekania aż inni się zreflektują, o nieprzywieraniu do swojego partnera itd. Dobrze się słuchało, choć dla mnie niewiele konceptów przedstawionych w książce było odkrywczych. Dobra lektura dla osób, które siedzą z nosem spuszczonym na kwintę i nie realizują planów ani marzeń "bo nie mają z kim". Przeczytajcie tę książkę i ruszcie dupska.
March 18, 2024
I'm 100% behind the argument of this book, and I think that McGraw expresses it compellingly: Marriage is fine, but it's overprescribed and shouldn't be the marker of a good life.
As is always the case in such books, there's some repetition and some weaker examples, but I would happily recommend it to unhappily single friends, including my younger self; I wish it had been around when I was in my late 20s and early 30s!
As is always the case in such books, there's some repetition and some weaker examples, but I would happily recommend it to unhappily single friends, including my younger self; I wish it had been around when I was in my late 20s and early 30s!
July 26, 2025
This book addresses one of western society’s great social issues of the increasing number of people living alone. It affirms for these people that alone does not need to be lonely. The author spells out the advantages of Solo living and the opportunities that presents to live a “remarkable life”.
I would like to see a section on the solo lives of aging people and how they too can live wide, remarkable lives.
I would like to see a section on the solo lives of aging people and how they too can live wide, remarkable lives.
July 1, 2025
Peter jest trochę dziadersem i generalnie nie była to najgorsza lektura, ale zdecydowanie niedostosowana do realiów. Może jakby bardziej opisywał swoje doświadczenie, a nie przytaczał „listy miłosne” swoich słuchaczy to byłoby to dla mnie bardziej namacalne. Niektóre słowa, maksymy czy też prawdy rezonowały ze mną, ale niektóre sprawiały, że się krzywiłam pod nosem.
June 5, 2024
Loved! Less of a how to guide and more of a case for supporting one’s love of being single. Lost a star for me due to the ending chapters feeling like he got sick of writing, and provided very obvious mundane information. But the first 75% was great!
February 22, 2024
Good book to have as a reminder of what generally makes you feel more fulfilled, in a relationship or not. Interesting to read about relationship design, too
April 1, 2024
Dry reading for such an exciting topic
July 23, 2024
Life changing, a lot to think about!! More people should read this!!
August 14, 2024
A really interesting perspective on getting away from the "relationship escalator" and imagining a remarkable life where finding a "forever" partner is not an inherent goal.
January 22, 2025
Moving. Empowering. Highly recommend!
January 30, 2025
I am a flâneur! I didn’t know that had a name…
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