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Handcuffs and Happily Ever Afters #1.5
Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures
After all was said and done, the disgusting novella meant to destroy a story stealing New York Time’s best-selling author’s career was successful. Rena, an accountant with no discernible literary talent, and her band of adorable porno writing grannies came up with the worst piece of literature, (and I use that word loosely), that was ever written. Amazingly enough, it became a cult classic. Who in the hell knew there was an underground need to know and love a Time-Traveling Vampire Warlock with erectile dysfunction and his conjoined lady loves, Laverne and Shirley?
Apparently the need is there and now so is the full version of their story . . .
** Special Note from Author Robyn Peterman **
This is a spoof. A profane romance spoof not meant for anyone under 18. I was threatened lovingly and repeatedly by my readers to write the full version of Pirate Dave. He was born of the need to create a horrific career ending romance novel to destroy a really bad, nasty villainess . . . and Thank you Buddha in a tube top, it worked! I laughed my way through writing this and I hope you will enjoy this small slice of my warped brain. NO, this is not what I normally write, but I certainly had a good time penning it! If you want to read the real romance story, you’ll have to peruse HOW HARD CAN IT BE? You’ll find the first three chapters at the end of the hot mess you’re about to read . . . And now, I give you the career ending novella, (hopefully not mine) otherwise known as PIRATE DAVE AND HIS RANDY ADVENTURES.
292 KB
Apparently the need is there and now so is the full version of their story . . .
** Special Note from Author Robyn Peterman **
This is a spoof. A profane romance spoof not meant for anyone under 18. I was threatened lovingly and repeatedly by my readers to write the full version of Pirate Dave. He was born of the need to create a horrific career ending romance novel to destroy a really bad, nasty villainess . . . and Thank you Buddha in a tube top, it worked! I laughed my way through writing this and I hope you will enjoy this small slice of my warped brain. NO, this is not what I normally write, but I certainly had a good time penning it! If you want to read the real romance story, you’ll have to peruse HOW HARD CAN IT BE? You’ll find the first three chapters at the end of the hot mess you’re about to read . . . And now, I give you the career ending novella, (hopefully not mine) otherwise known as PIRATE DAVE AND HIS RANDY ADVENTURES.
292 KB
100 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 22, 2013
97 people are currently reading
783 people want to read
About the author
Robyn Peterman
95 books3,265 followersRobyn writes because the people inside her head won’t leave her alone until she gives them life on paper. Her addictions include shoes (the expensive kind), Coke with extra ice in a styrofoam cup, and bejeweled reading glasses.
A former professional actress, she now lives in the south with her family and too many animals to count. Writing gives her a chance to have a job where working in her P.J.’s is acceptable. You can follow Robyn at http://www.robynpeterman.com and at Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Robyn-P....
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews
June 2, 2013
Too funny for words, but this book is just so WRONG! The good news is that it's meant to be wrong in just this way! Be very careful - eating or drinking while reading this author can be hazardous to your health!
June 1, 2013
I loved How Hard Can It Be?, and so I had to read the story within the story.
Pirate Dave is like a train wreck -- you know you wanna look. Once again the fertile mind of Robyn Peterman has made me laugh out loud while reading. No Pepsi was consumed as I read the book. I learned my lesson with her last book -- my sinuses are still recovering. Oh, and this time Mother Nature has a large role to play in addition to Poseidon (damn that scurvy sea god!). This book is definitely adult material; don't let the cartoon-like covers fool you. ;)
Pirate Dave is like a train wreck -- you know you wanna look. Once again the fertile mind of Robyn Peterman has made me laugh out loud while reading. No Pepsi was consumed as I read the book. I learned my lesson with her last book -- my sinuses are still recovering. Oh, and this time Mother Nature has a large role to play in addition to Poseidon (damn that scurvy sea god!). This book is definitely adult material; don't let the cartoon-like covers fool you. ;)
July 21, 2013
I haven't read Peterman's first book "How Hard Can It Be?", which is the book where Pirate Dave originated, but I still loved this! I heard about it from a friend who was reading it. She was real cautious and hesitant while explaining what it was about, and I can understand why. There is a lot of cussing, adult humor, and a general lack of logic to this story that would probably make most people think "WTF is this trash?" - but I love a good silly comedy and I'm glad I took a chance on Pirate Dave. I laughed so hard, I almost peed my pants!
June 2, 2013
Every time a book is mentioned in a book, I want to read that other book. When someone in a book mentions their favorite author, I read those, too. It should come as no surprise then, that I read Pirate Dave, because this "book" is mentioned in How Hard Can It Be?
On long drives to San Fran, I read Pirate Dave aloud to my husband, and if you buy it, I recommend reading it aloud (but not in public). It is pretty much the most awesome awful book ever!
On long drives to San Fran, I read Pirate Dave aloud to my husband, and if you buy it, I recommend reading it aloud (but not in public). It is pretty much the most awesome awful book ever!
June 5, 2013
A career ending romance spoof? No I don't think so. As long as you don't take this truly disturbing piece of literature seriously and enjoy it for what it is. And that is as a rude, crude, and socially unacceptable parody of really bad romance books. I laughed and learned many new synonyms for a particular male body part that by itself made it worth the read.
June 9, 2013
If you ever wanted to read a story that had every name you can think of for a penis, this is it. LMAO!!! This story is raunchy, bawdy and hilarious!!! Ms. Peterman has a way with the male genitalia, and it's the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. This is a SPOOF so please read it as such, you won't regret it!!!
June 14, 2013
A fun, short read...this is a spoof and is intended for mature readers above 18 years of age. This is the spoof novel used to end the villian's career in " How Hard Can It Be?". Robyn completed Pirate Dave's story at the request of her fans. Thank you Robyn! It was a blast reading his warped world.
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November 13, 2018DNF
July 15, 2013
Outlandish & Hilarious
Robyn Peterman's Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures was one of several freebies that I downloaded almost a month ago - and I finally got around to reading it this evening. This is one that I have a hard time fitting into any category. Why? Time-Travelling Vampire Warlock Pirate Dave (I usually shorten that to Pirate Dave) is already horny. Based on information from his fortunetelling colleague, he is working to save the loves of his life from the massive earthquake that is right now tearing about their home. Luckily, Pirate Dave lives on a pirate ship which has plenty of room for his two unconventional loves, and which has internet connection to the future to allow him to order anything he desires.(which are further sources of laughter.)
I laughed my way through this romance spoof (which was greatly needed, so thank you!); had a hilariously fun time meeting all the characters; and realized that this one story was just **not** enough of Pirate Dave. I read the 3 bonus chapters at the end of the story that had spun off this spoof story and already feel that they are family - can't wait to finish that story. In checking Robyn Peterman's booklist for more gems from Pirate Dave, I noticed an author interview that Pirate Dave hi-jacked from his author Robyn. I recommend that you check Robyn's Blog site and read the interview - if you are not already familiar with Darynda Jones and her main character Charley, Pirate Dave ensures through the course of the interview that you meet them on quite an intimate level. Since they are Pirate Dave's newest crush, Darynda and Charley have been added to my new-author-series reading crush - any crush of Pirate Dave's is a reading crush of mine. ~grin~
And I am thrilled that several rumors mention that there are several more offerings from Robyn during the remainder of the calendar year, including at least one of those will be devoted strictly to more Pirate Dave Adventures. Even better - more going on with Rena and the porno grannies are in one or maybe 2 upcoming books. Just all rumors, you know - but where there is smoke, there's a flurry of words hitting those pages. **Whatever** additional writings appear in these series, I will gladly read.
A quick mention to Pirate Dave - you need to remember more often that you **are** a Time-Travelling Vampire Warlock Pirate. You really get yourself into sooooo many situations that could be avoided if you actually remembered you have all these additional powers **outside** of the bedroom. We all have short-term memory issues, especially as we get older - but your memory lapses seem to be beyond the norm, even for Time-Travelling Vampire Warlock Pirates. ~smile~
Robyn Peterman's Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures was one of several freebies that I downloaded almost a month ago - and I finally got around to reading it this evening. This is one that I have a hard time fitting into any category. Why? Time-Travelling Vampire Warlock Pirate Dave (I usually shorten that to Pirate Dave) is already horny. Based on information from his fortunetelling colleague, he is working to save the loves of his life from the massive earthquake that is right now tearing about their home. Luckily, Pirate Dave lives on a pirate ship which has plenty of room for his two unconventional loves, and which has internet connection to the future to allow him to order anything he desires.(which are further sources of laughter.)
I laughed my way through this romance spoof (which was greatly needed, so thank you!); had a hilariously fun time meeting all the characters; and realized that this one story was just **not** enough of Pirate Dave. I read the 3 bonus chapters at the end of the story that had spun off this spoof story and already feel that they are family - can't wait to finish that story. In checking Robyn Peterman's booklist for more gems from Pirate Dave, I noticed an author interview that Pirate Dave hi-jacked from his author Robyn. I recommend that you check Robyn's Blog site and read the interview - if you are not already familiar with Darynda Jones and her main character Charley, Pirate Dave ensures through the course of the interview that you meet them on quite an intimate level. Since they are Pirate Dave's newest crush, Darynda and Charley have been added to my new-author-series reading crush - any crush of Pirate Dave's is a reading crush of mine. ~grin~
And I am thrilled that several rumors mention that there are several more offerings from Robyn during the remainder of the calendar year, including at least one of those will be devoted strictly to more Pirate Dave Adventures. Even better - more going on with Rena and the porno grannies are in one or maybe 2 upcoming books. Just all rumors, you know - but where there is smoke, there's a flurry of words hitting those pages. **Whatever** additional writings appear in these series, I will gladly read.
A quick mention to Pirate Dave - you need to remember more often that you **are** a Time-Travelling Vampire Warlock Pirate. You really get yourself into sooooo many situations that could be avoided if you actually remembered you have all these additional powers **outside** of the bedroom. We all have short-term memory issues, especially as we get older - but your memory lapses seem to be beyond the norm, even for Time-Travelling Vampire Warlock Pirates. ~smile~
June 14, 2013
Pirate Dave is my favorite. Honestly, I could not put this laugh out loud, pee my pants romp down. The antics between this randy Pirate and his hilarious crew take us on a time traveling journey of love, sprinkled with a little mystery, that involves Mother Nature, Poseidon and cell phone scrabble. Robyn's comedic timing is brilliant and this spoof encompasses it all. This is a great summer read! I will say if you haven't read How Hard Can It Be?, Peterman's debut novel, you must. It is in How Hard Can It Be? that Pirate Dave was born. Although Dave stands on his own quite nicely, once you have read this tale there's no way you won't want to find our how the heck this crazy Pirate came to be. I am anxiously awaiting her next novel in this series, Size Matters. Peterman's writing has such a refreshing perspective in the romance genre. There is no one out there writing like she does. Her stories are bigger than life, but at the same time not really. The comedy makes them so much more honest, because we all know that love stories never really happen the way they do in novels. This author is a keeper! But not for anyone under 18!
July 1, 2013
Pirate Dave is a Time-Traveling Vampire Warlock of the grossest kind, but to funny to be all that put off by him. Along with his to concubines Laverne and Shirley conjoined twins well than not than are again!! Pirate Dave is a Scrabble-Holic and plays against Poseidon along with a wicked sense of humor Mother Nature and his Crew Mates and The Blow Up Doll!
This has to be the funniest and weirdest book I have ever read. My family thought I was on something I was laughing so hard! This is an Adult Spoof Book!
A must read if you are looking for something so different and need a good laugh!
5 STARS
Patches
This has to be the funniest and weirdest book I have ever read. My family thought I was on something I was laughing so hard! This is an Adult Spoof Book!
A must read if you are looking for something so different and need a good laugh!
5 STARS
Patches
June 4, 2013
Start crank calling Poseidon and get your beef bayonet ready! This is the craziest story I have ever read...so crazy it is brilliant. Ms. Peterman has crafted a pirate/romance spoof that will have you spewing your drink. I laughed out loud and fell in lust with vampire warlock Pirate Dave. Just insane in the very best way. The description of Dave crank-calling water god Poseidon had me in stitches. Robyn Peterman has just become one of my go-to authors.
September 22, 2014
She ain't kidding when she says it took a warped brain to write this. However did she think up all that crap? This is a very funny spoof of a so-called paranormal romance. Yeah, not much romance, but lots of raunchiness. It helps to read "How Hard Can it Be?" first, so you get all the references. Very funny!
June 24, 2013
I am not a romance reader, but I was told I had to read this little thing. It was so bad, it was good. I didn't realize there were so many names for the male member. If you want a good spoof, this is it.
June 4, 2013
funny!!!
June 12, 2013
Absolutely laugh out loud romance spoof from Robyn's book "How Hard Can It Be". This is NOT a romance story, but a spoof of one from the book. I laughed so hard sometimes I thought I'd wet my pants!
September 10, 2015
What’s It About?
(Contains Spoilers)
This romance spoof novella was born from How Hard Can It Be, when an aspiring author leaks an outlandish story idea to a best selling author. Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures is the above mentioned leaked story, which readers begged Author Robyn Peterman to write.
Pirate Dave, a time-traveling vampire warlock with erectile dysfunction, addicted to online scrabble, is a real piece of work. His bodacious, red-haired babes are twins, chosen to relieve his problems with ED. Only problem is that they are conjoined twins, and this makes his sex-life a bit more complicated…
So, he has them separated… But the indecisive pirate still isn’t happy, because the twins were far more attractive conjoined.
Meanwhile, the twins’ mother is busy procuring a magic string to stitch them back together, out of revenge for her daughters that she hates, and the randy Pirate. Inadvertently she creates Pirate Dave’s “perfect woman”.
And they live happily ever after. <3 :)
My Thoughts
I don’t remember how I acquired this novella, but this is apparently what I pick out on my own when not receiving books for review… I’m not sure what that says about me! It’s a good thing I’m not left to my own devices often.
This book is absolutely hilarious and perfectly raunchy. I don’t just WANT to read the novel that spawned this gem, I NEED to read it!
“How about Al?” Sam suggested. “Perfect,” Dave grinned. “Um . . . Hi Poseidon, this is Al.” “Al who?” “Al Jacques Yuoff!” Dave snorted, desperately trying not to laugh as Hairy Sam rocked back and forth giggling. “Al Jacques Yuoff?” Poseidon boomed. “You’ll jack me off? Thanks you fat bastard!” Dave shrieked and hung up quickly.”
I really liked the characters, specifically Dave, and Laverne and Shirley, the bodacious, red-headed, conjoined twins.
“"Captain,” Calico Andy yelled with relief. “Your loves have awakened!”
“Excellent!” Pirate Dave crowed. “I would have felt horrid had I been forced to take them in a comatose state! I want them to enjoy my salami as much as I shall enjoy them!””
This book had me literally laughing out loud; between the never-ending strings of obscenity that came out of Dave’s mouth, to his near epileptic fits while casting spells. :) My favorite scene was was when Pirate Dave announces to the twins that they have been chosen to relieve his E.D., and they throw up in their mouths. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven’t read any books by Author Robyn Peterman before, and I know this one is a spoof, but if her other novels contain the witty humor that this one does, than I am sold. I am eager to read more books by this author!
How do you rate a career ending romance spoof? I certainly can’t rate it using the usual variables… As far as satirical romances go, this one certainly made me laugh and made me eager to read more by this Author. For that, I am giving it 5 stars.
Full book review: https://aprillwood.wordpress.com/2015...
(Contains Spoilers)
This romance spoof novella was born from How Hard Can It Be, when an aspiring author leaks an outlandish story idea to a best selling author. Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures is the above mentioned leaked story, which readers begged Author Robyn Peterman to write.
Pirate Dave, a time-traveling vampire warlock with erectile dysfunction, addicted to online scrabble, is a real piece of work. His bodacious, red-haired babes are twins, chosen to relieve his problems with ED. Only problem is that they are conjoined twins, and this makes his sex-life a bit more complicated…
So, he has them separated… But the indecisive pirate still isn’t happy, because the twins were far more attractive conjoined.
Meanwhile, the twins’ mother is busy procuring a magic string to stitch them back together, out of revenge for her daughters that she hates, and the randy Pirate. Inadvertently she creates Pirate Dave’s “perfect woman”.
And they live happily ever after. <3 :)
My Thoughts
I don’t remember how I acquired this novella, but this is apparently what I pick out on my own when not receiving books for review… I’m not sure what that says about me! It’s a good thing I’m not left to my own devices often.
This book is absolutely hilarious and perfectly raunchy. I don’t just WANT to read the novel that spawned this gem, I NEED to read it!
“How about Al?” Sam suggested. “Perfect,” Dave grinned. “Um . . . Hi Poseidon, this is Al.” “Al who?” “Al Jacques Yuoff!” Dave snorted, desperately trying not to laugh as Hairy Sam rocked back and forth giggling. “Al Jacques Yuoff?” Poseidon boomed. “You’ll jack me off? Thanks you fat bastard!” Dave shrieked and hung up quickly.”
I really liked the characters, specifically Dave, and Laverne and Shirley, the bodacious, red-headed, conjoined twins.
“"Captain,” Calico Andy yelled with relief. “Your loves have awakened!”
“Excellent!” Pirate Dave crowed. “I would have felt horrid had I been forced to take them in a comatose state! I want them to enjoy my salami as much as I shall enjoy them!””
This book had me literally laughing out loud; between the never-ending strings of obscenity that came out of Dave’s mouth, to his near epileptic fits while casting spells. :) My favorite scene was was when Pirate Dave announces to the twins that they have been chosen to relieve his E.D., and they throw up in their mouths. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven’t read any books by Author Robyn Peterman before, and I know this one is a spoof, but if her other novels contain the witty humor that this one does, than I am sold. I am eager to read more books by this author!
How do you rate a career ending romance spoof? I certainly can’t rate it using the usual variables… As far as satirical romances go, this one certainly made me laugh and made me eager to read more by this Author. For that, I am giving it 5 stars.
Full book review: https://aprillwood.wordpress.com/2015...
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 21, 2014
A YO HO HA HA HA of a story
If you have not read How Hard Can It Be yet, please do so before reading this book. Why you ask? Well! This story is actually the same story that Rena wrote in HHCIB, nicely finished up by Robyn herself at the request of her fans. This spoof has everything in it that should ruin an evil author’s career – guaranteed! WOW! Where to start with this one?!?! The stuff that goes on in this one is so over the top hilarious it does deserve its own book! Pirate Dave is a time traveling vampire warlock with ED, he has Laverne & Shirley who are conjoined twins as his lover/lovers? and oh so many other points/situations/people that you really do have to just go with it! Just make sure that you are not eating or drinking while reading this book, nor should you be reading this in a public place - people will think you are crazy and get you locked up you will be laughing so insanely!!! As with any Robyn Peterman book, you need to have a change of pants because I guarantee that you will pee yourself laughing – this one even more so!!!
If you have not read How Hard Can It Be yet, please do so before reading this book. Why you ask? Well! This story is actually the same story that Rena wrote in HHCIB, nicely finished up by Robyn herself at the request of her fans. This spoof has everything in it that should ruin an evil author’s career – guaranteed! WOW! Where to start with this one?!?! The stuff that goes on in this one is so over the top hilarious it does deserve its own book! Pirate Dave is a time traveling vampire warlock with ED, he has Laverne & Shirley who are conjoined twins as his lover/lovers? and oh so many other points/situations/people that you really do have to just go with it! Just make sure that you are not eating or drinking while reading this book, nor should you be reading this in a public place - people will think you are crazy and get you locked up you will be laughing so insanely!!! As with any Robyn Peterman book, you need to have a change of pants because I guarantee that you will pee yourself laughing – this one even more so!!!
January 3, 2014
Ok, I have to admit, the only reason I got this book was because it was the career ending publication created in How Hard Can It Be. I laughed out loud reading the story as it was put together by Rena and her adorable porn grannies. I just had to see how the whole story came together.
Pirate Dave is well, dang, I don't know how to describe him. He's gross, he's irreverent, he's horny ALL the time. Did it make me laugh out loud? Yes, I cannot lie. The dialogue in this book is funny, in a perverse sort of way and I have to admit, I liked it for the most part.
Kudos to you Robyn Peterman, for coming up with (and getting published) a book most people would never have the courage to submit. :D
Robyn Peterman
Pirate Dave is well, dang, I don't know how to describe him. He's gross, he's irreverent, he's horny ALL the time. Did it make me laugh out loud? Yes, I cannot lie. The dialogue in this book is funny, in a perverse sort of way and I have to admit, I liked it for the most part.
Kudos to you Robyn Peterman, for coming up with (and getting published) a book most people would never have the courage to submit. :D
Robyn Peterman
March 8, 2014
This story came about when fans of “How Hard Can It Be” begged the author to give them the full novella used in that book where a writer steals other people’s ideas. To destroy that author’s career, she is provided a perfectly disgusting, outrageous tale about the only Time-Traveling Vampire Warlock in existence who is also a pirate, and his rather large, seemingly never satisfied appendage.
So yes, this novella is purposely disgusting – it certainly won’t win any literary awards. But OMIGOD, it’s funny! Everything is exaggerated and over the top including swearing, the comic thesaurus-inspired descriptions of body parts and a hero that’s just, well, ewwww.
Definitely written for an adult audience. The first three chapters of How Hard Can It Be are included at the back of the book.
So yes, this novella is purposely disgusting – it certainly won’t win any literary awards. But OMIGOD, it’s funny! Everything is exaggerated and over the top including swearing, the comic thesaurus-inspired descriptions of body parts and a hero that’s just, well, ewwww.
Definitely written for an adult audience. The first three chapters of How Hard Can It Be are included at the back of the book.
April 3, 2014
OMG this was funny. I was reading while at the repair shop. I know the other patrons probably though I was crazy for the giggling and laughing. I almost lost it with the troll....Wooo. Silly funny all over, and got me some new online Scrabble or WWF words to play. Looking out for the letters AZX! (JSYK, Lightning up the wazoo almost did me in!)
October 27, 2013
Hilarious! This is the most disturbing romance I've ever read- it's perfect!
I wouldn't read this if you haven't read How Hard Can it Be? first, it won't be as funny (you certainly won't get all the diy tool jokes) and you should read How Hard Can it Be? anyway!
I wouldn't read this if you haven't read How Hard Can it Be? first, it won't be as funny (you certainly won't get all the diy tool jokes) and you should read How Hard Can it Be? anyway!
February 24, 2014
This was amusing and crazy and fun, everything that I needed in one short read. I read some of the start of 'How Hard Can It Be?', which I think I'll be reading soon, I can already tell from the first few chapters that I'll probably appreciate this more after.
November 28, 2017
Raunchy and hilarious!
If you are looking for a quick read that will make you laugh, look no further. Ridiculous, over the top humor and a silly story will keep you entertained.
Only recommended for those with a twisted sense of humor.
If you are looking for a quick read that will make you laugh, look no further. Ridiculous, over the top humor and a silly story will keep you entertained.
Only recommended for those with a twisted sense of humor.
September 17, 2013
I haven't laughed this hard since the Princess and the Penis. :-)
February 4, 2014
LOL, omg this was hilarious. I absolutely loved How Hard Can it Be? And the making of Pirate Dave! And this little spoof was hilarious! Now on to Size Matters! Loving this series! Highly recommend!
April 14, 2017
Read how hard can it be or you will not get this book.
April 7, 2014
LMAO that's all I have to say :)
November 25, 2013
Hahaha......This was fantastic!!!!!
September 24, 2013
Absurd, foul, icky, and hilarious!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews