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I Shouldn't Feel This Way: Name What’s Hard, Tame Your Guilt, and Transform Self-Sabotage into Brave Action
When you're tangled up inside, it's hard to find clarity. Yet so many of us guilt-trip or gaslight ourselves instead of working our way through complicated feelings. You feel like you should be a good friend, even though you're hurt by past betrayals. You feel like you should be content, even though you're lonely or unfulfilled. You feel like you should just have faith, even though you're discouraged by unanswered prayers.
This jumbled-up knot is a cry for gentle care and patient attention, but most of us haven't been given the tools required to unravel it. Imagine you had a guide—a way out of the chaos and into the calm and clarity you need to face life's challenges.
Drawing from over twenty years of research and clinical practice, I Shouldn't Feel This Way guides you through a groundbreaking 3-step process that has helped tens of thousands of people find emotional freedom and surprisingly simple breakthroughs. Dr. Alison shows you how to
–identify guilt and know what to do with it,
—trade feeling stuck in your head for clarity,
—move from comfortable numbing to courageous conversations, and
—make decisions that break cycles of defeat.
Change starts when you finally stop beating yourself up for the way that you feel and say, You know what? I do feel this way! And I can finally do something about it.
This jumbled-up knot is a cry for gentle care and patient attention, but most of us haven't been given the tools required to unravel it. Imagine you had a guide—a way out of the chaos and into the calm and clarity you need to face life's challenges.
Drawing from over twenty years of research and clinical practice, I Shouldn't Feel This Way guides you through a groundbreaking 3-step process that has helped tens of thousands of people find emotional freedom and surprisingly simple breakthroughs. Dr. Alison shows you how to
–identify guilt and know what to do with it,
—trade feeling stuck in your head for clarity,
—move from comfortable numbing to courageous conversations, and
—make decisions that break cycles of defeat.
Change starts when you finally stop beating yourself up for the way that you feel and say, You know what? I do feel this way! And I can finally do something about it.
240 pages, Paperback
Published May 7, 2024
165 people are currently reading
8819 people want to read
About the author
Alison Cook
11 books132 followersHello!
I'm a psychologist, podcast host, and the author of three books, including my new book, I Shouldn't Feel This Way (Thomas Nelson 2024), The Best of You (Thomas Nelson 2022) and Boundaries for Your Soul (Thomas Nelson, 2018). For 20 years, I have helped women, ministry leaders, couples, and families:
—heal painful emotions,
—develop confidence from the inside out,
—set wise limits,
—forge healthy relationships, and
—fully live out their God-given potential.
I'm glad you're here!
I'm a psychologist, podcast host, and the author of three books, including my new book, I Shouldn't Feel This Way (Thomas Nelson 2024), The Best of You (Thomas Nelson 2022) and Boundaries for Your Soul (Thomas Nelson, 2018). For 20 years, I have helped women, ministry leaders, couples, and families:
—heal painful emotions,
—develop confidence from the inside out,
—set wise limits,
—forge healthy relationships, and
—fully live out their God-given potential.
I'm glad you're here!
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 100 reviews
May 17, 2024
Dr. Alison Cook is a credible and trustworthy expert when it comes to emotional and spiritual health. She is my go-to resource when I need to offer my clients biblically-based, healthy tools for understanding their emotions. In "I Shouldn't Feel This Way," Dr. Cook offers a three-step process to help readers get from tangled up emotions and thoughts to braving a new path. Similar to her last book, I believe Dr. Cook is at her best in her chapter on conflicting feelings about God. She is so adept at taking spiritual platitudes like "forgive and forget" and exposing the paradox in them. I am grateful for Dr. Cook's work and the ways she speaks with grace and truth.
May 9, 2024
Can’t afford a therapist? Start here.
If you’re like me and it’s hard to find money for therapy in the budget (the “fudgey budgey” as my friend calls it), then this book is for you. I Shouldn’t Feel This Way is an optimal starting point for processing difficult emotions on your own (or with a trusted friend). It lays the groundwork you need by defining a 3-step process of Naming (speaking out loud what’s hard), Reframing (identifying what’s actually going on inside you that caused this hard emotion in the first place), and then Braving (identifying a healthy action step that keeps you moving in the direction of emotional health). And then in Part Two and Part Three of the book, it dives into specific hard emotions, feelings of “I shouldn’t feel this way about . . .” and gently guides you in unpacking those guilt messages. Dr. Cook gives specific examples in each scenario that are a great help in recognizing if this is an unhealthy message that you have been ignoring but need to process, and then she gives specific questions to guide you through processing each harmful belief.
I wish I could tell you that this makes processing “easy,” but it’s still hard HARD work. But this book does make processing ACCESSIBLE—giving you a guide to follow as you finally begin the hard work of healing (and might I recommend, it gives you time to save money so that one day you can also get a licensed professional involved).
Stop saying, “I need to get a therapist,” and then using that as your excuse to put off doing the hard work of healing. Start with buying this book, and then put some action steps towards your healing. Take the time to write out your own answers to each question and get the healing journey started. You deserve it (I know personally how hard it is to receive and believe that message, but it’s true.)
You DESERVE to heal.
Thank you NetGalley and Epic Agency for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions expressed here are my own.
If you’re like me and it’s hard to find money for therapy in the budget (the “fudgey budgey” as my friend calls it), then this book is for you. I Shouldn’t Feel This Way is an optimal starting point for processing difficult emotions on your own (or with a trusted friend). It lays the groundwork you need by defining a 3-step process of Naming (speaking out loud what’s hard), Reframing (identifying what’s actually going on inside you that caused this hard emotion in the first place), and then Braving (identifying a healthy action step that keeps you moving in the direction of emotional health). And then in Part Two and Part Three of the book, it dives into specific hard emotions, feelings of “I shouldn’t feel this way about . . .” and gently guides you in unpacking those guilt messages. Dr. Cook gives specific examples in each scenario that are a great help in recognizing if this is an unhealthy message that you have been ignoring but need to process, and then she gives specific questions to guide you through processing each harmful belief.
I wish I could tell you that this makes processing “easy,” but it’s still hard HARD work. But this book does make processing ACCESSIBLE—giving you a guide to follow as you finally begin the hard work of healing (and might I recommend, it gives you time to save money so that one day you can also get a licensed professional involved).
Stop saying, “I need to get a therapist,” and then using that as your excuse to put off doing the hard work of healing. Start with buying this book, and then put some action steps towards your healing. Take the time to write out your own answers to each question and get the healing journey started. You deserve it (I know personally how hard it is to receive and believe that message, but it’s true.)
You DESERVE to heal.
Thank you NetGalley and Epic Agency for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions expressed here are my own.
March 14, 2024
I am such a fan of the authors writing and was so excited to get my hands on an ARC of her newest upcoming release. This book did not disappoint. I highlighted/underlined so much of the book. My favorite chapters were the ones about defensiveness, and body image. Dr. Cook helps readers to acknowledge the emotions that they are feeling and get curious about them- instead of feeling shame about them. She walks through the process of Naming what is hard, framing your reality, and braving a new path.
"The simple act of stopping to notice what you're thinking and feeling- without criticism, judgement, or shame- brings calm to the chaos inside." This is exactly what Alison helps the readers to do. I love how she mixed different talk therapy techniques, with stories of clients that she worked with, with application questions for your own life.
This book is set to release 5/7/24 and I will for sure be buying a hard copy and a few copies for friends. Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for an ARC. Cant wait for this one to be released and in the hands of many many people!
"The simple act of stopping to notice what you're thinking and feeling- without criticism, judgement, or shame- brings calm to the chaos inside." This is exactly what Alison helps the readers to do. I love how she mixed different talk therapy techniques, with stories of clients that she worked with, with application questions for your own life.
This book is set to release 5/7/24 and I will for sure be buying a hard copy and a few copies for friends. Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for an ARC. Cant wait for this one to be released and in the hands of many many people!
August 17, 2024
This will be one of those books that I need to reread every year. I learned a lot.
April 28, 2025
I really needed this! It was insightful, validating, and inspiring.
September 14, 2024
In "I Shouldn't Feel This Way," Alison Cook helps readers navigate the complexities of guilt, difficult emotions, and self-sabotage by offering practical guidance for self-awareness and personal transformation. The book recognizes that modern life, filled with distractions and obligations, often leaves people feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from their own mental health and emotional needs.
Cook introduces her core concept, "Name. Frame. Brave." This three-step process offers readers a clear way to confront their emotions and move toward a healthier, more self-compassionate life. First, "naming" your emotions involves identifying and labeling what you are feeling, rather than suppressing or ignoring those feelings. Journaling can be a helpful practice here, as it allows you to reflect on what triggers negative emotions and start to process them in a productive way.
The second step, "framing", encourages giving yourself space to reflect. Here, Cook emphasizes the importance of slowing down to better understand the root causes of your feelings. This is where her "FRAME" process (Facts, Roots, Audit, Mental Messages, Expansion) comes into play, helping individuals look deeper into their emotions and find meaningful insights. Cook shows how stepping back, taking time to process, and reflecting on the broader context of emotions can allow people to make more informed, healthy decisions.
The final step is "braving", or taking courageous action. Whether it’s confronting a difficult situation, making a change, or learning to endure with grace, the emphasis is on active decision-making. Cook offers practical advice on facing challenges like toxic relationships, inner conflict, and cognitive dissonance. She explains how actions based on self-awareness and reflection can bring positive, lasting changes to your life, even if those actions include difficult decisions like setting boundaries or walking away from unhealthy situations.
One of the recurring themes in the book is the danger of "numbing behaviors"—ways that people use distractions, like social media or overeating, to avoid facing their emotions. Cook encourages readers to recognize when they’re numbing themselves and suggests healthier alternatives, such as self-care practices that align with their emotional and physical needs. She outlines different forms of self-care, from relational (connecting with loved ones) to physical (exercise, relaxation) to spiritual (meditation, prayer), offering readers a variety of tools to replace unhealthy coping mechanisms with more nourishing practices.
The book also dives into the difficult topic of body image and how people often feel disconnected from or ashamed of their physical selves. Cook challenges these negative messages, offering ways to reframe thoughts around the body and improve the mind-body relationship. She encourages readers to attune to their body’s signals, noticing when it needs rest or nourishment, and to resist the urge to compare themselves to others—especially in a world that’s constantly bombarding us with idealized images and impossible standards.
In relationships, Cook emphasizes the importance of "healthy boundaries". She explores how toxic behaviors like manipulation or gaslighting can erode self-worth, and provides strategies for recognizing and addressing toxic dynamics in relationships. Her advice includes setting limits on interactions with harmful individuals and learning how to maintain faith and self-worth, even when dealing with particularly challenging relationships.
Finally, Cook speaks to the spiritual aspect of personal growth, acknowledging that faith and self-compassion can coexist with difficult emotions like anger, confusion, or fear. She warns against internalizing harmful "counterfeit" messages that suggest people deserve their suffering or that they should simply forgive and forget without processing their pain. Instead, she encourages readers to explore spiritual practices and communities that align with their values and offer genuine support in times of difficulty.
Throughout the book, Cook offers a compassionate and realistic approach to handling life's emotional challenges. By using the "Name. Frame. Brave." process, readers are guided toward greater clarity, emotional resilience, and a stronger sense of self. The book empowers readers to break free from cycles of guilt and self-sabotage, helping them forge a healthier path of self-compassion and growth.
Cook introduces her core concept, "Name. Frame. Brave." This three-step process offers readers a clear way to confront their emotions and move toward a healthier, more self-compassionate life. First, "naming" your emotions involves identifying and labeling what you are feeling, rather than suppressing or ignoring those feelings. Journaling can be a helpful practice here, as it allows you to reflect on what triggers negative emotions and start to process them in a productive way.
The second step, "framing", encourages giving yourself space to reflect. Here, Cook emphasizes the importance of slowing down to better understand the root causes of your feelings. This is where her "FRAME" process (Facts, Roots, Audit, Mental Messages, Expansion) comes into play, helping individuals look deeper into their emotions and find meaningful insights. Cook shows how stepping back, taking time to process, and reflecting on the broader context of emotions can allow people to make more informed, healthy decisions.
The final step is "braving", or taking courageous action. Whether it’s confronting a difficult situation, making a change, or learning to endure with grace, the emphasis is on active decision-making. Cook offers practical advice on facing challenges like toxic relationships, inner conflict, and cognitive dissonance. She explains how actions based on self-awareness and reflection can bring positive, lasting changes to your life, even if those actions include difficult decisions like setting boundaries or walking away from unhealthy situations.
One of the recurring themes in the book is the danger of "numbing behaviors"—ways that people use distractions, like social media or overeating, to avoid facing their emotions. Cook encourages readers to recognize when they’re numbing themselves and suggests healthier alternatives, such as self-care practices that align with their emotional and physical needs. She outlines different forms of self-care, from relational (connecting with loved ones) to physical (exercise, relaxation) to spiritual (meditation, prayer), offering readers a variety of tools to replace unhealthy coping mechanisms with more nourishing practices.
The book also dives into the difficult topic of body image and how people often feel disconnected from or ashamed of their physical selves. Cook challenges these negative messages, offering ways to reframe thoughts around the body and improve the mind-body relationship. She encourages readers to attune to their body’s signals, noticing when it needs rest or nourishment, and to resist the urge to compare themselves to others—especially in a world that’s constantly bombarding us with idealized images and impossible standards.
In relationships, Cook emphasizes the importance of "healthy boundaries". She explores how toxic behaviors like manipulation or gaslighting can erode self-worth, and provides strategies for recognizing and addressing toxic dynamics in relationships. Her advice includes setting limits on interactions with harmful individuals and learning how to maintain faith and self-worth, even when dealing with particularly challenging relationships.
Finally, Cook speaks to the spiritual aspect of personal growth, acknowledging that faith and self-compassion can coexist with difficult emotions like anger, confusion, or fear. She warns against internalizing harmful "counterfeit" messages that suggest people deserve their suffering or that they should simply forgive and forget without processing their pain. Instead, she encourages readers to explore spiritual practices and communities that align with their values and offer genuine support in times of difficulty.
Throughout the book, Cook offers a compassionate and realistic approach to handling life's emotional challenges. By using the "Name. Frame. Brave." process, readers are guided toward greater clarity, emotional resilience, and a stronger sense of self. The book empowers readers to break free from cycles of guilt and self-sabotage, helping them forge a healthier path of self-compassion and growth.
May 11, 2024
Dr. Alison Cook addresses many different emotions we struggle with at different times in our lives and helps us to navigate them. She helps us to name our emotions, frame them in a new way, and brave a new path forward. There are so many practical tidbits to apply. If you ever feel overwhelmed by your emotions and need some guidance to move forward, this book is for you.
June 17, 2024
I am so profoundly grateful for Dr. Allison Cook’s “I Shouldn’t Feel This Way.” It is gentle enough to be introductory reading for anyone interested in (or on the fence about) therapy; its also direct and capable of coming alongside someone three or more years into doing the work and still being a helpful guide for difficult circumstances in between therapy days.
If her book “Boundaries for Your Soul” was a helpful look at Internal Family Systems from a biblical lens, “I Shouldn’t Feel This Way” is a helpful look at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy from a biblical lens. As most people start in CBT, it’s the perfect starting point for anyone looking to gain more self awareness at thought patterns, but I wouldn’t want to limit its efficacy to just CBT alone. The chapter on the body was an incredible and succinct look into what we can do to begin attuning to what our nervous system and body is communicating about our physical needs. Truly, this is the most approachable introduction to nervous system health and wellness that I’ve seen. It has science to back it, but it’s light enough that it doesn’t become overwhelming. She also has a chapter specifically devoted to identifying toxic behaviors and how to spot them in relationships (as well as in yourself). This was a well done and very compassionate chapter- there is no shame spiral in the aftermath of reading it and there’s just enough self disclosure to not feel alone in the knowledge that at some point or other, we all exhibit levels of toxicity. But with awareness, we are able to change the patterns.
Finally- the last chapter, “I Shouldn’t Feel This Way about God” could be its own book. It’s INCREDIBLE. Dr. Allison Cook walks straight into the lion’s den of tangled up, confused, and out-of-context ways we are taught to relate to God and lovingly spends time at the crossroads with the reader to determine if this interpretation is really what James meant when he counsels us to “count it all joy” among many other platitudes that are intended to make us feel better (but usually end up making us feel worse). This chapter was so timely, and like any good therapist, you won’t find her telling you what to think, but she is very interested in equipping the reader to know what he/she thinks. That awareness is a gift. This book is a treasure.
I would read anything by Dr. Allison Cook, and I Shouldn’t Feel This Way is another incredible addition to her library of resources.
I’d like to thank Thomas Nelson Books and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
If her book “Boundaries for Your Soul” was a helpful look at Internal Family Systems from a biblical lens, “I Shouldn’t Feel This Way” is a helpful look at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy from a biblical lens. As most people start in CBT, it’s the perfect starting point for anyone looking to gain more self awareness at thought patterns, but I wouldn’t want to limit its efficacy to just CBT alone. The chapter on the body was an incredible and succinct look into what we can do to begin attuning to what our nervous system and body is communicating about our physical needs. Truly, this is the most approachable introduction to nervous system health and wellness that I’ve seen. It has science to back it, but it’s light enough that it doesn’t become overwhelming. She also has a chapter specifically devoted to identifying toxic behaviors and how to spot them in relationships (as well as in yourself). This was a well done and very compassionate chapter- there is no shame spiral in the aftermath of reading it and there’s just enough self disclosure to not feel alone in the knowledge that at some point or other, we all exhibit levels of toxicity. But with awareness, we are able to change the patterns.
Finally- the last chapter, “I Shouldn’t Feel This Way about God” could be its own book. It’s INCREDIBLE. Dr. Allison Cook walks straight into the lion’s den of tangled up, confused, and out-of-context ways we are taught to relate to God and lovingly spends time at the crossroads with the reader to determine if this interpretation is really what James meant when he counsels us to “count it all joy” among many other platitudes that are intended to make us feel better (but usually end up making us feel worse). This chapter was so timely, and like any good therapist, you won’t find her telling you what to think, but she is very interested in equipping the reader to know what he/she thinks. That awareness is a gift. This book is a treasure.
I would read anything by Dr. Allison Cook, and I Shouldn’t Feel This Way is another incredible addition to her library of resources.
I’d like to thank Thomas Nelson Books and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
October 5, 2025
If you have ever felt like you are drowning in a sea of "shoulds" or if there are one or two "I should..." that loop in your head/heart/soul over and over again, this book is for you. I have been "shoulding" all over myself for most of my adult life, and this book helps the reader determine the difference between validating our emotions and braving change as opposed to constantly being oppressed by guilt and shame and repressing our emotions. It provides a way to assess what a person is feeling, check whether or not their thinking/reacting is distorted in some way, and figure out what we really want instead, then brave the conversations that can lead to more authentic and meaningful communication and relationships. It can be painfully enlightening, which is why it took a while to get through, but I will refer to this book again and again when I encounter emotional situations that feel too difficult to process or talk about. It helped immensely that she shared things from a Christian perspective as well.
September 14, 2024
there aren’t any shortcuts to understanding and managing complex emotions like fear, guilt, shame, unhealthy comparisons, and being stuck in toxic relationships.
While many of us have a natural tendency to numb ourselves and push away the difficult feelings, the way forward is to name, frame, and brave them when they arise. In doing so, you’ll learn to be more in tune with your body, set healthy boundaries in toxic relationships, and embrace your talents without succumbing to societal pressures. As you forge a path of self-compassion, you’ll begin to transform emotional pain into personal growth and spiritual resilience.
While many of us have a natural tendency to numb ourselves and push away the difficult feelings, the way forward is to name, frame, and brave them when they arise. In doing so, you’ll learn to be more in tune with your body, set healthy boundaries in toxic relationships, and embrace your talents without succumbing to societal pressures. As you forge a path of self-compassion, you’ll begin to transform emotional pain into personal growth and spiritual resilience.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 18, 2024
While Dr. Cook's book is not meant to be a replacement for therapy, it sure could come close! Filled with practical solutions and realistic scenarios, "I Shouldn't Feel This Way" helps the reader untangle conflicting emotions by using a 3-step process of "Name," "Reframe," and "Brave." It is certainly possible to feel 2 things at once and Dr. Cook brings peace to that tension.
November 28, 2025
Very practical and helpful in understanding complexities of the mind!
June 29, 2024
Helpful, integrative approach toward emotions and mental health. A little more structured than my preferred, but I know lots of people appreciate that scaffolding.
May 2, 2024
Don’t miss Alison Cook’s newest book, I Shouldn’t Feel This Way! It is truly the best gift to help you break free from entangled emotions keeping you stuck and going in circles in life. Dr. Alison’s compassionate way of sharing a framework to process our most difficult emotions brings healing and empowers you to move forward in life. “Name, frame, brave and detox” creates practical steps to find freedom and thrive. This resource is a treasure you will keep coming back to, like having a wonderful counselor by your side ready to offer a path to work through challenges you face to become your healthiest self.
May 2, 2024
Dr. Alison Cook has done an incredible job of addressing the complexity of human emotions with kindness and grace. This book provides a helpful framework for all of life's seasons and situations, providing examples, practical exercises, and even scripts to help you process and communicate your emotions, thoughts, and boundaries. As someone who is growing out of codependency and people-pleasing patterns, I so appreciated the practical tools and simple steps to begin naming, framing, and braving the hard and challenging things of life. This book will be one I refer to often!
May 2, 2024
Appreciated Dr. Cook's insightful and practical book. The examples in the book and the simple phrase of "Name.Frame.Brave." helped one to sort out complex emotions and responses, and to develop a plan of action. The book was so good that I am looking forward to reading it again a second time at a slower pace and working through the questions and examples.
October 16, 2024
I found “I shouldn’t feel this way” an easy read. The style of writing was conversational and I found it easy to understand the practices that Dr Cook detailed. She made me think she was completely relatable when she said in her introduction about “reaching for the chips” as a way we numb ourselves to drown out the noise of our inner turmoil.
The book is divided into three parts. Part one goes through her three step process: Name what's hard, frame your reality, and brave a new path. In parts two and three, Alison shows how to apply the three step process in relation to how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about others, with chapters “I shouldn’t feel like numbing my emotions” or “I shouldn’t feel ashamed of my body” and “I shouldn’t feel conflicted about God”. The process she uses, she describes without using technical terms, making it really accessible; and questions used which made it fairly easy to apply to feelings/situations in our lives that we can’t seem to move through. I loved the practice calls “Comma, God”; a way of rephrasing our feelings and emotions so we are “naming them with God” instead of bypassing them.
After reading the book I felt it gave me tools to help my daughter work through a situation that caught her by surprise with the way she reacted to it.
I think this book is great as it makes it accessible for those of us that are stuck in that loop of numbing to silence the noise, so we can start the journey of healing.
I received a complimentary copy of this book. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.
The book is divided into three parts. Part one goes through her three step process: Name what's hard, frame your reality, and brave a new path. In parts two and three, Alison shows how to apply the three step process in relation to how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about others, with chapters “I shouldn’t feel like numbing my emotions” or “I shouldn’t feel ashamed of my body” and “I shouldn’t feel conflicted about God”. The process she uses, she describes without using technical terms, making it really accessible; and questions used which made it fairly easy to apply to feelings/situations in our lives that we can’t seem to move through. I loved the practice calls “Comma, God”; a way of rephrasing our feelings and emotions so we are “naming them with God” instead of bypassing them.
After reading the book I felt it gave me tools to help my daughter work through a situation that caught her by surprise with the way she reacted to it.
I think this book is great as it makes it accessible for those of us that are stuck in that loop of numbing to silence the noise, so we can start the journey of healing.
I received a complimentary copy of this book. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.
April 27, 2024
I’ve been listening to the podcast and have read The best of you, and boundaries for your soul. I was incredibly excited to read this book. I loved the way the book is separated into three parts. I connected with every chapter and appreciate the guidance of naming, framing and braving. I’ve already noticed my levels of joy increasing as I’ve been practicing naming my feelings and thoughts and aligning them with what is true from a biblical standpoint as well as the reality of what’s actually happening in real time. I was someone who always struggled with hearing my inner critic, and guilt messages. I never realized there’s a “false guilt” we can experience. I’ve bookmarked many pages with steps to navigate certain experiences I’m sure I will go through that I can utilize. I love how she addresses toxicity and learning about blame shifting, control and manipulation, and naming these toxic behaviors will make a massive difference in my ability to set boundaries for myself. I feel full of hope and a lot more BRAVE after reading this book. Thank you so much Alison!!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 11, 2024
Recently, I was perusing books at a thrift store and was amazed by the number of self-help books. I was again reminded that mental health is a big issue. Many are seeking answers and help, but it can be hard to know which books to read, especially as a Christian. Well, good news friends, I have a new book to recommend. It's I Shouldn’t Feel This Way: Name What's Hard, Tame Your Guilt, and Transform Self-Sabotage into Brave Action by Dr. Alison Cook.
From the publisher: "You can find emotional freedom. Learn to see through the haze of conflicted feelings and move forward in your life with confidence. Licensed therapist and bestselling author Dr. Alison Cook guides you through a groundbreaking 3-step process to find the freedom you crave.
When you're tangled up inside, it's hard to find clarity. Yet so many of us guilt-trip or gaslight ourselves instead of working our way through complicated feelings. You should be a good friend, even though you feel hurt by past betrayals. You should be content, even though you feel lonely or unfulfilled. You should just have faith, even though you feel discouraged by unanswered prayers.
This jumbled-up knot is a cry for gentle care and patient attention, but most of us haven't been given the tools required to unravel it.
Imagine you had a guide—a way out of the chaos and into the calm and clarity you need to face life's challenges.
Drawing from over twenty years of research and clinical practice, I Shouldn't Feel This Way guides you through a groundbreaking 3-step process that has helped tens of thousands of people find emotional freedom and surprisingly simple breakthroughs. Dr. Alison shows you how to
identify guilt and know what to do with it,
trade feeling stuck in your head for clarity,
move from comfortable numbing to courageous conversations, and
make decisions that break cycles of defeat.
Change starts when you finally stop beating yourself up for the way that you feel and say, You know what? I do feel this way! And I can finally do something about it."
One of the things that struck me most about this book was how easy it is to gaslight myself and to tell myself a different story than what is truly happening and what I’m actually feeling. Being honest and naming is really important and is the first step towards moving forward! I appreciated the extensive examples Dr. Cook gives of her therapy clients in different situations and how they used her approach to heal and the large and bolded quotes with key points on various pages. I was especially blessed and challenged by Dr. Cook’s discussion of spiritual bypassing.
Reading this book is not going to change your life but applying the concepts that Dr. Cook explains will. I believe her three step process of naming what’s hard, framing your reality, and braving a new path will bring emotional healing to many. Do yourself a favor and read this book!
From the publisher: "You can find emotional freedom. Learn to see through the haze of conflicted feelings and move forward in your life with confidence. Licensed therapist and bestselling author Dr. Alison Cook guides you through a groundbreaking 3-step process to find the freedom you crave.
When you're tangled up inside, it's hard to find clarity. Yet so many of us guilt-trip or gaslight ourselves instead of working our way through complicated feelings. You should be a good friend, even though you feel hurt by past betrayals. You should be content, even though you feel lonely or unfulfilled. You should just have faith, even though you feel discouraged by unanswered prayers.
This jumbled-up knot is a cry for gentle care and patient attention, but most of us haven't been given the tools required to unravel it.
Imagine you had a guide—a way out of the chaos and into the calm and clarity you need to face life's challenges.
Drawing from over twenty years of research and clinical practice, I Shouldn't Feel This Way guides you through a groundbreaking 3-step process that has helped tens of thousands of people find emotional freedom and surprisingly simple breakthroughs. Dr. Alison shows you how to
identify guilt and know what to do with it,
trade feeling stuck in your head for clarity,
move from comfortable numbing to courageous conversations, and
make decisions that break cycles of defeat.
Change starts when you finally stop beating yourself up for the way that you feel and say, You know what? I do feel this way! And I can finally do something about it."
One of the things that struck me most about this book was how easy it is to gaslight myself and to tell myself a different story than what is truly happening and what I’m actually feeling. Being honest and naming is really important and is the first step towards moving forward! I appreciated the extensive examples Dr. Cook gives of her therapy clients in different situations and how they used her approach to heal and the large and bolded quotes with key points on various pages. I was especially blessed and challenged by Dr. Cook’s discussion of spiritual bypassing.
Reading this book is not going to change your life but applying the concepts that Dr. Cook explains will. I believe her three step process of naming what’s hard, framing your reality, and braving a new path will bring emotional healing to many. Do yourself a favor and read this book!
May 7, 2024
I Shouldn’t Feel This Way is a must read! Right from the beginning, it was obvious Dr. Cook had some profound personal experiences to draw from that really gave her the capacity to speak authoritatively. I could relate with many experiences, and she guides the reader through what we may be thinking and gently suggests how we can name what we are feeling, frame it to change our thinking to be more positive, and encourage us to be brave to not only name and change our thinking, but also to put it into action. This book was eye-opening to the realities I am facing personally, but didn’t know what it really was or how to process it because I didn’t take the time to sit down and really dig deep and think about it because it is easier to stay in my thinking traps. Dr. Cook refers to this as a crossroads, and that made a lot of sense to me in my present reality. Dr. Cook also provides excellent thought provoking questions for the reader to use in their own personal journey to guide our reflections. Probably the biggest take away for me was Dr. Cooks explanations on guilt, dissonance and comparison. Wow. I realized that this is a huge part of my mental and emotional challenges and that I am caught up in what I think others want me to do and what others think of me, and that the social comparison theory had existed well before the creation of social media about 70 years ago. I Shouldn’t Feel This Way is a comforting read for anyone who is human, because we all struggle with these issues whether we want to acknowledge it or not, and we can all grow and learn more about ourselves, and follow the roadmap Dr. Cook provides to improve our mental, emotional and even physical health, because they are all tightly related in our complex humanity.
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February 16, 2025“𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘵𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 ‘𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯���𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘺.’ ”
Thank you Nelson Books and NetGalley for providing an advanced readers copy last spring and to the publisher for also sending me a gifted finished copy!
There is a lot to glean from this! I’ve never been an annotator but I may go back and mark this one. Beyond my personal interests and background education and job experiences, books like this have been full of good reminders through the hard things I’ve been facing these last few years. They are validating and comforting as much as they are insightful and challenging in healthy, helpful ways. Cook both calls us out on our detrimental tendencies to self-soothe, numb, dismiss, and belittle the emotions we have in response to what we’re experiencing while also reminding us that our emotions are natural, normal, and are important to feel and address. She also talks about mindset and the things we tell ourselves, the root of our emotions and thoughts, the dangers of numbing and avoidant behaviors, comparison, toxicity, bypassing, and relationships and faith, etc. She gives practical tips and steps that are easy to apply from being gentle and honest with ourselves to identifying what we feel and the cause, and plenty more.
I will say, readers of this would highly benefit from having a corresponding workbook or worksheets to utilize. If you work in the psych and mental health fields or are navigating big and difficult emotions, this one is worth picking up. Also worth noting, the author also narrates the audiobook. Given the nature of this nonfiction read I will not be providing a rating.
Thank you Nelson Books and NetGalley for providing an advanced readers copy last spring and to the publisher for also sending me a gifted finished copy!
There is a lot to glean from this! I’ve never been an annotator but I may go back and mark this one. Beyond my personal interests and background education and job experiences, books like this have been full of good reminders through the hard things I’ve been facing these last few years. They are validating and comforting as much as they are insightful and challenging in healthy, helpful ways. Cook both calls us out on our detrimental tendencies to self-soothe, numb, dismiss, and belittle the emotions we have in response to what we’re experiencing while also reminding us that our emotions are natural, normal, and are important to feel and address. She also talks about mindset and the things we tell ourselves, the root of our emotions and thoughts, the dangers of numbing and avoidant behaviors, comparison, toxicity, bypassing, and relationships and faith, etc. She gives practical tips and steps that are easy to apply from being gentle and honest with ourselves to identifying what we feel and the cause, and plenty more.
I will say, readers of this would highly benefit from having a corresponding workbook or worksheets to utilize. If you work in the psych and mental health fields or are navigating big and difficult emotions, this one is worth picking up. Also worth noting, the author also narrates the audiobook. Given the nature of this nonfiction read I will not be providing a rating.
May 3, 2024
Dr. Alison Cook has created another masterpiece in which she forges a connection to the readers in an authentic and transparent way, making the reader feel heard, and validated. Dr. Cook gives many examples and experiences that shed light on the often hidden feelings that we stuff, bury, and ignore, that results in us having a hard time in navigating our feelings in an emotionally healthy and mature way. She gives us practical tools to Name, Frame, and Brave our experiences and emotions, and guides us into a level of understanding by the source of truth and authenticity. Dr. Alison guides us towards courage and bravery in learning how to take tangible action steps towards healing and health. She sets out a roadmap towards clarity and peace by integrating biblical truths and her experiences in counseling, while providing simple thinking tools that we can all use as we gain a healthy mindset.
"We need play. We need rest. We need comfort. We need to escape through the power of our imaginations. These are all good things. The Enemy of our souls has excelled at distorting otherwise good gifts and turning them into shackles."
[Alison Cook, PhD]
Dr. Cook gives us hope for healing through showing us how to shift our mindset and practice a more simple way of living, by giving us tools to thrive and grow in our emotional and mental health. I appreciate the ARC of this book from NetGalley and Thomas Nelson Publishers. All opinions are my own.
"We need play. We need rest. We need comfort. We need to escape through the power of our imaginations. These are all good things. The Enemy of our souls has excelled at distorting otherwise good gifts and turning them into shackles."
[Alison Cook, PhD]
Dr. Cook gives us hope for healing through showing us how to shift our mindset and practice a more simple way of living, by giving us tools to thrive and grow in our emotional and mental health. I appreciate the ARC of this book from NetGalley and Thomas Nelson Publishers. All opinions are my own.
November 12, 2025
I Shouldn’t Feel This Way is such a compassionate and clarifying book. Dr. Alison Cook has a rare gift for blending solid psychology with deep empathy and faith, helping readers understand that difficult emotions aren’t signs of failure they’re signals inviting care and growth.
What I appreciated most is how practical the book is. The 3-step framework naming what’s hard, understanding the guilt beneath it, and taking brave action feels simple but powerful. I found myself reflecting on emotions I tend to suppress or overanalyze, and realizing that acknowledging them honestly is the first real step toward peace.
Dr. Cook also writes with such warmth and accessibility. She doesn’t shame the reader for struggling; instead, she models gentle curiosity and courage. The examples and reflection questions throughout each chapter make it easy to apply the ideas personally.
This is a wonderful read for anyone feeling stuck, guilty, or tangled up in their own emotions. Whether you come from a faith background or not, the message of grace, honesty, and healing will resonate. Highly recommended for anyone ready to stop self-blaming and start healing.
What I appreciated most is how practical the book is. The 3-step framework naming what’s hard, understanding the guilt beneath it, and taking brave action feels simple but powerful. I found myself reflecting on emotions I tend to suppress or overanalyze, and realizing that acknowledging them honestly is the first real step toward peace.
Dr. Cook also writes with such warmth and accessibility. She doesn’t shame the reader for struggling; instead, she models gentle curiosity and courage. The examples and reflection questions throughout each chapter make it easy to apply the ideas personally.
This is a wonderful read for anyone feeling stuck, guilty, or tangled up in their own emotions. Whether you come from a faith background or not, the message of grace, honesty, and healing will resonate. Highly recommended for anyone ready to stop self-blaming and start healing.
May 2, 2024
After going through many counselors and feeling like I wasn't getting the tools I needed to process grief and my tendency for emotional numbness, I finally found someone who could give me the tools needed to process and begin to talk about how I felt. This book felt like that. Alison Cook has brilliantly summed up what great counseling can unlock in us and what tools we can leave with to better practice emotion and human connection. I really enjoyed how much she tailored this book to everyone, knowing everyone struggles with similar issues & emotions so differently without overwhelming the concepts she discusses. Having read many books in this genre, it is rare to come across one that is practical, has great examples, and is rooted in faith. I think the most impressive parts of this book are how she calls out and works through spiritual bypassing and the many simple and effective tools offered to begin to practice how we can name and frame what we are feeling no matter who we are connecting with in our lives.
April 6, 2025
This book is a valuable and accessible resource for anyone feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and unsure of how to move forward. It offers a gentle introduction to emotional and mental health concepts, many of which are traditionally explored in therapy, making it especially helpful for readers who may be new to their healing journey. What sets this book apart is its integrative and practical approach—it doesn’t just present abstract ideas but grounds them in real-life, relatable examples. This makes the material easy to understand and apply in daily life. It’s also a wonderful companion for those who are already in therapy. The tools and insights provided can be used to complement ongoing therapeutic work, offering support between sessions and reinforcing what’s being discussed with a therapist.
Rated: 3.0/5.0—Whether you’re just beginning to explore your emotional well-being or are further along in your healing journey, this book provides a supportive, thoughtful guide to help you navigate your emotions with more clarity and confidence.
Rated: 3.0/5.0—Whether you’re just beginning to explore your emotional well-being or are further along in your healing journey, this book provides a supportive, thoughtful guide to help you navigate your emotions with more clarity and confidence.
April 28, 2024
The beauty in Dr. Alison Cook’s writing is the authentic connection she creates through her transparency in exposing common thinking patterns and struggles that we all wrestle through. The sharing of those real experiences and revealing our underlying and often hidden feelings draws the reader comfortably in to sit beside her through an invitation to pause and work through them. Cook lays open the truth of our whole selves and helps us to navigate the complexity of understanding those feelings through practical tools by naming them, reframing our understanding through a lens of truth, and then guiding us courageously forward to brave a new path, changing unhealthy patterns. The reader can move from a place of confusion and guilt-driven expectations to a path of clarity and peace anchored in biblical truth and professional experience. Cook offers therapeutic advice through a practical pattern of simple application thinking tools that anyone can use.
May 3, 2024
From the start, this book names a courageous statement we're too often afraid or ashamed to admit. By identifying it and repeating it, we're given permission to acknowledge it, enter a liminal space and bravely take steps to radically accept it.
Dr. Cook provides us with incredibly practical tools to move through our guilt and discover brave steps forward. Through her profoundly simple "name, frame, brave" process, we're provided with an outline for how to deal with the many ways we guilt ourselves in the ways we treat ourselves and others.
By giving us permission to stop "shoulding" on ourselves, she provides us with hope for a lighter, brighter future. She offers a framework for a future filled with less expectations and obligations, and with the freedom to brave new choices instead of defaulting to our old habits of self-sabotage.
If you've ever found yourself stuck in loops of overthinking your guilt, shame, or anxiety, this book will help and guide you on your way to clarity, confidence, and freedom.
Dr. Cook provides us with incredibly practical tools to move through our guilt and discover brave steps forward. Through her profoundly simple "name, frame, brave" process, we're provided with an outline for how to deal with the many ways we guilt ourselves in the ways we treat ourselves and others.
By giving us permission to stop "shoulding" on ourselves, she provides us with hope for a lighter, brighter future. She offers a framework for a future filled with less expectations and obligations, and with the freedom to brave new choices instead of defaulting to our old habits of self-sabotage.
If you've ever found yourself stuck in loops of overthinking your guilt, shame, or anxiety, this book will help and guide you on your way to clarity, confidence, and freedom.
May 4, 2024
Oh my goodness! This book was SO GOOD! Dr. Cook writes about such a complex issue but she is so gifted in breaking the hard stuff down and making it easy enough to digest.
The moment I opened to the first page and started to read, I KNEW I was meant to read it. As I turned each page, I found myself looking in the mirror. However, for the first time looking at the things that have caused me so much guilt and shame, I felt freedom and gentle liberation. The condemnation was no longer there. I found myself viewing everything like a scientist does. I discovered I can break down the trauma, pain, and insecurity and work them out with God's help.
Anyhow, "I Shouldn't Feel This Way" is definitely a book to add to your personal library. I can't wait to start putting what I've learned into practice. AWESOME book, Dr. Cook. I didn'tean for that to rhyme 🙂
The moment I opened to the first page and started to read, I KNEW I was meant to read it. As I turned each page, I found myself looking in the mirror. However, for the first time looking at the things that have caused me so much guilt and shame, I felt freedom and gentle liberation. The condemnation was no longer there. I found myself viewing everything like a scientist does. I discovered I can break down the trauma, pain, and insecurity and work them out with God's help.
Anyhow, "I Shouldn't Feel This Way" is definitely a book to add to your personal library. I can't wait to start putting what I've learned into practice. AWESOME book, Dr. Cook. I didn'tean for that to rhyme 🙂
May 5, 2024
Reading 'I Shouldn't Feel This Way' was a game-changer for me. As a pre-licensed therapist, I am learning about modalities in therapy. I found that Alison Cook's framework of 'Name', 'Tame', and 'Brave' was incredibly useful - both personally and I'd like to use it with my clients. I can see parallels between 'naming' and diagnosing, 'framing' and perspective-taking, and 'braving' and taking action to lead a better life. It is difficult to deal with what we cannot name. One thing I love about Alison's writing is the artful way the theology and psychology find common ground in the voice she offers the reader. I would highly recommend this book, to the curious and those willing to take a good look at the hard parts of themselves. Thank you, Dr. Cook, for offering up this helpful life-guidebook to us.
May 6, 2024
I have long been a fan of Dr. Alison’s books, and now her podcast. Her newest book, I Shouldn’t Feel This Way, is a down-to-earth and practical gem! I have taken pages of notes, as I know the information is such that I will return to it time and again. Her framework of “naming, framing and braving” is applicable to many situations and emotions. It has already helped me feel less stuck in my personal life. Dr. Alison gently guides us by sharing situations from her own life, exemplifying both wisdom and vulnerability.
And as someone who struggles with the question, “How are you holding that in your body?” I find her work on embodiment to be poignant and extremely helpful.
It’s been a privilege to be a part of this book’s launch team and have early access to it. In my opinion, it’s her best!
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