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It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence
Those who have never experienced an abusive or violent relationship often believe that upon finding a way out, victims difficulties are solved: their life is good, they are safe, and recovery will be swift. However, survivors know that leaving is not the end of the nightmare -- it is the beginning of an often difficult and challenging journey toward healing and happiness. It s My Life Now offers readers the practical guidance, emotional reassurance, and psychological awareness that survivors of relationship abuse and domestic violence need to heal and reclaim their lives after leaving their abusers.
Since its publication in 2000, It's My Life Now has been highly successful as a working manual for survivors who are starting their lives over after an abusive relationship. This valuable book combines direction on practical and emotional issues with worksheets and self-exploration exercises. Now, in the second edition, Dugan and Hock include updated information and resources while encompassing a wider range of individuals and the relationships in which abuse and violence occur. The new edition also provides a new emphasis on safety assessment, which has increasingly been shown to be a critical factor in recovery. In addition, this new edition includes current resources and information about organizations for victims along with revised and enhanced strategies to help survivors move forward on the path of recovery."
Since its publication in 2000, It's My Life Now has been highly successful as a working manual for survivors who are starting their lives over after an abusive relationship. This valuable book combines direction on practical and emotional issues with worksheets and self-exploration exercises. Now, in the second edition, Dugan and Hock include updated information and resources while encompassing a wider range of individuals and the relationships in which abuse and violence occur. The new edition also provides a new emphasis on safety assessment, which has increasingly been shown to be a critical factor in recovery. In addition, this new edition includes current resources and information about organizations for victims along with revised and enhanced strategies to help survivors move forward on the path of recovery."
252 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 2000
31 people are currently reading
631 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
August 24, 2013
Probably closer to 3.5. A bit of a disclaimer about my review -- I actually happened to go to therapy during the midst of an abusive relationship, and ended up having a few couples' counseling sessions with my ex before we broke up (then continued to go to therapy after the break-up). I was also fortunate in that my therapist had worked with abusive men prior, and didn't get caught up in some of the pitfalls of couples counseling within the context of an abusive relationship that are mentioned in the book (i.e. focusing on both sides creating the problem and unintentionally giving the abuser support). This, in the end, was what I found to be most therapeutic, and by the time I read this book, I had already worked through many of the feelings that are discussed -- in fact, a section of the book even discusses therapy as a good way of working through feelings/starting over after an abusive relationship. So, in that sense, be aware that I am perhaps not the best judge because it wasn't as enlightening for me personally as it may be for others.
That said, it was a good book that gets across much of the common feelings felt after this kind of situation (and indeed, talked about a lot of things that I myself either felt right after the break-up, or am feeling now). I think it's definitely worthwhile in terms of refocusing after such a dramatic situation, and to inspire women to stay focused on getting away from the cycle of abuse and move towards healing. If you're looking for more of an explanation for WHY abusive people act the way they do and understanding the psychology behind it, this is likely not going to be as helpful as other books out there; while it discusses this briefly, it doesn't get as in depth about it as other books ("Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is EXCELLENT for this, though). However, if you're looking to get some explanation and validation for your feelings and purely want to come up with some strategies for moving on when you're stuck, this is a great, straightforward book that has some good exercises to help women do just that -- refocus and reclaim their own lives after an abusive relationship/experiencing domestic violence.
That said, it was a good book that gets across much of the common feelings felt after this kind of situation (and indeed, talked about a lot of things that I myself either felt right after the break-up, or am feeling now). I think it's definitely worthwhile in terms of refocusing after such a dramatic situation, and to inspire women to stay focused on getting away from the cycle of abuse and move towards healing. If you're looking for more of an explanation for WHY abusive people act the way they do and understanding the psychology behind it, this is likely not going to be as helpful as other books out there; while it discusses this briefly, it doesn't get as in depth about it as other books ("Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is EXCELLENT for this, though). However, if you're looking to get some explanation and validation for your feelings and purely want to come up with some strategies for moving on when you're stuck, this is a great, straightforward book that has some good exercises to help women do just that -- refocus and reclaim their own lives after an abusive relationship/experiencing domestic violence.
October 28, 2008
Very helpful and informative book. This book greatly helped me on my journey to heal.
September 9, 2014
p.145
Needs to be more info on psychopathic revenge tactics - triangulation - denial in the face of admissions evidence - and smearing the victim. Lies of the Abuser should be #1. It's so common - they always deny, blame, do things for revenge and smear their wives. It's pretty sickening, but it's true. Good book though - helpful at times xo
Needs to be more info on psychopathic revenge tactics - triangulation - denial in the face of admissions evidence - and smearing the victim. Lies of the Abuser should be #1. It's so common - they always deny, blame, do things for revenge and smear their wives. It's pretty sickening, but it's true. Good book though - helpful at times xo
August 27, 2022
I read many books and articles as I started my journey to heal from my abuse. This was the most helpful book I found. It truly made me do the work. It helped me as much as my therapist. Most books explain the "why" of the abuser. This book made you face the conditioning that is ingrained in you, and helps your break it.
If you are healing, this book will be the best purchase you can make.
If you are healing, this book will be the best purchase you can make.
November 3, 2018
"You probably spent a long time loving your abuser before you finally realized just how bad the situation was. Then you probably spent more time hoping and believing things would change. Next you believed it was all your fault. It's unrealistic to think that these feelings would have disappeared overnight. All the justifications, rationalizations, and excuses you used and believed for so long became part of your perception of yourself and him.
"Every time you wonder how you could have loved such a person, stop to consider what it says about you as a loving person. If you didn't love your ex-partner so much, this would not be so difficult. Despite what he told you during that relationship, this shows how deeply you can care for another. It is time for you to become strong, to love yourself as much as you can love a partner. Now that you are free of the abuse, you can begin to re-create the love for yourself that he stole from you." (page 68)
"Every time you wonder how you could have loved such a person, stop to consider what it says about you as a loving person. If you didn't love your ex-partner so much, this would not be so difficult. Despite what he told you during that relationship, this shows how deeply you can care for another. It is time for you to become strong, to love yourself as much as you can love a partner. Now that you are free of the abuse, you can begin to re-create the love for yourself that he stole from you." (page 68)
January 28, 2022
This book is a must read for all those who are coming out of an abusive relationship. It validates victims and helps identify what behaviors were indeed abusive that you may not have acknowledged as well as dealing with the outsiders who are dismissive and gaslight you into thinking what you've dealt with wasn't as bad as you thought. Acknowledging what you went through is essential to your healing and helps prevent you from falling into a similar situation in the future.
October 6, 2011
A great book about moving past abuse. It focuses on the different stages one goes through when dealing with the trauma of an abusive relationship. I highly recommend this book for those that struggle, have struggled, or know someone that struggles with an abusive relationship. This book really helped me.
December 21, 2013
Helpful advice, common sense, personal quizzes, and a list of resources for those who have managed to escape from an abusive relationshp. Deals with friends—before, during,a and after; emotions—fear, anger, guilt regret, contact with abuser after leaving; children and their emotions; building a new life—budgets, jobs, self-care.
April 20, 2015
Very insightful book for anyone that's been in an abusive relationship. You feel so very alone and lost during and after being in this kind of situation, this book brings to light the truth and real reason for the abuse and it makes you see that you are far from alone as most abusers have similar tactics.
April 23, 2016
Extremely eye-opening.
I knew that my relationship was unhealthy when I left, but reading this book validated, not only my decision to leave, but also my mixed feelings and struggles after the fact. I would suggest it to anyone who may think they may be in an abusive relationship.
I knew that my relationship was unhealthy when I left, but reading this book validated, not only my decision to leave, but also my mixed feelings and struggles after the fact. I would suggest it to anyone who may think they may be in an abusive relationship.
May 29, 2009
every victim should read this and do the writing exercises- it helped me let go and regain my strength
January 27, 2013
I thought it was an awesome book. I highly recommend it to all who have ever been in or is in an abusive situation!
May 25, 2014
Really liked it. Looked at healing from abuse from a psychologist's point of view. Very helpful info.
November 25, 2025
Love this book! Favorites:
Although people who were abused as children or who witnessed abuse may be more likely to be come abusers themselves, this is not an excuse for their abuse or violent behavior. Having endured such abuse may have affected them psychologically, but the choice to act negatively on those emotions is all theirs. Having survived abuse does not give them the right to abuse others, although they will frequently use this as a justification for their actions. If your ex told you he was abused and therefore abused you, it’s important to remind yourself that he still chose to abuse you, rather than seeking help to deal with his past.” Pg. 25
“If you were sexually assaulted, you may find that you now feel no sexual desire at all, for anyone. This is a common reaction after such abuse. The healing process can take a long time and involves not only healing your feelings of self-esteem and sexual desire but also healing your ability to trust another person.” Pg. 58
“You deserve to live a happy, abuse-free life. It can happen.” Pg. 105
“Healing is what’s important, not how fast it happens.” Pg. 116
“Safety and consistency are two necessary conditions for children to grow up emotionally healthy.” Pg. 128
“As you discover your path toward healing, you will usually find that your children will recover as you do.” Pg. 129
“They need to know not only that no one should ever abuse another but also that no one deserves to be abused.” Pg. 133
“Children need to be told, in all possible ways, that the abuse they saw or experienced in your relationship is wrong, it should never happen to anyone, and it has no place in a loving relationship.” Pg. 138
“Explain that you realize abusive relationships can be difficult to understand, but now that you are out, you need to move on and avoid dwelling on the past.” Pg. 147
“Demonstrate clearly that you will not be controlled again. This time, you are the one in control of your life. Every situation is unique, but if possible, it is wise for you to avoid ever initiating any contact. If you do, or if you respond to your ex’s overtures in any way, you may be allowing a “foot in the door,” and most abusers are masters of squeezing through that crack.” Pg. 204
“Be understanding but firm with your friends and family. Let them know you appreciate how much they care. Let them know that you are very aware of how convincing your abuser can seem. Then, try to help them see the deception and why you are choosing never to return to an abusive partner.” Pg. 205
Although people who were abused as children or who witnessed abuse may be more likely to be come abusers themselves, this is not an excuse for their abuse or violent behavior. Having endured such abuse may have affected them psychologically, but the choice to act negatively on those emotions is all theirs. Having survived abuse does not give them the right to abuse others, although they will frequently use this as a justification for their actions. If your ex told you he was abused and therefore abused you, it’s important to remind yourself that he still chose to abuse you, rather than seeking help to deal with his past.” Pg. 25
“If you were sexually assaulted, you may find that you now feel no sexual desire at all, for anyone. This is a common reaction after such abuse. The healing process can take a long time and involves not only healing your feelings of self-esteem and sexual desire but also healing your ability to trust another person.” Pg. 58
“You deserve to live a happy, abuse-free life. It can happen.” Pg. 105
“Healing is what’s important, not how fast it happens.” Pg. 116
“Safety and consistency are two necessary conditions for children to grow up emotionally healthy.” Pg. 128
“As you discover your path toward healing, you will usually find that your children will recover as you do.” Pg. 129
“They need to know not only that no one should ever abuse another but also that no one deserves to be abused.” Pg. 133
“Children need to be told, in all possible ways, that the abuse they saw or experienced in your relationship is wrong, it should never happen to anyone, and it has no place in a loving relationship.” Pg. 138
“Explain that you realize abusive relationships can be difficult to understand, but now that you are out, you need to move on and avoid dwelling on the past.” Pg. 147
“Demonstrate clearly that you will not be controlled again. This time, you are the one in control of your life. Every situation is unique, but if possible, it is wise for you to avoid ever initiating any contact. If you do, or if you respond to your ex’s overtures in any way, you may be allowing a “foot in the door,” and most abusers are masters of squeezing through that crack.” Pg. 204
“Be understanding but firm with your friends and family. Let them know you appreciate how much they care. Let them know that you are very aware of how convincing your abuser can seem. Then, try to help them see the deception and why you are choosing never to return to an abusive partner.” Pg. 205
January 17, 2025
The author repeatedly tells the reader that the best thing for safety is to call the police or go to the police station. Considering that 40% of cops admit to abusing their families, we can safely assume that the real number is even higher. With this systemic issue, along with all the other violence we know that cops perpetrate, telling someone to go to the police to escape domestic violence is not good advice.
There are also repeated "reassurances" that if someone who has escaped domestic violence has specific symptoms of mental illness "it doesn't mean you're crazy". I'm sure this is meant well, but it actually reinforces the stigma of mental illness and does not help anyone. The author could have instead simply stuck with "this is normal and expected", and given advice on how to cope with various symptoms.
There is misinformation about Stockholm Syndrome, which I'm sure is also meant well but also further stigmatizes some survivors of abuse. Stockholm Syndrome is not in the DSM, and is a very controversial ""diagnosis"" because of the events of the bank robbery that led to the coining of the term. You can read more on that here: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-08-2...
Within the section on Stockholm Syndrome, the author claims that "No one wants to be abused". This is factually untrue, there are many abuse survivors who feel that they deserve their abuse, and who are more comfortable being abused because it's familiar and they know how to handle it. The author's claim stigmatizes these survivors, and this kind of statement can hinder the healing process for someone who doesn't know they're not the only one who wants to go back to the abuse.
For anyone who needs a book on this topic, I recommend you try these instead:
-Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
-Wisdom of Your Body
-Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness: Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing
-The Heart of Trauma: Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships
There are also repeated "reassurances" that if someone who has escaped domestic violence has specific symptoms of mental illness "it doesn't mean you're crazy". I'm sure this is meant well, but it actually reinforces the stigma of mental illness and does not help anyone. The author could have instead simply stuck with "this is normal and expected", and given advice on how to cope with various symptoms.
There is misinformation about Stockholm Syndrome, which I'm sure is also meant well but also further stigmatizes some survivors of abuse. Stockholm Syndrome is not in the DSM, and is a very controversial ""diagnosis"" because of the events of the bank robbery that led to the coining of the term. You can read more on that here: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-08-2...
Within the section on Stockholm Syndrome, the author claims that "No one wants to be abused". This is factually untrue, there are many abuse survivors who feel that they deserve their abuse, and who are more comfortable being abused because it's familiar and they know how to handle it. The author's claim stigmatizes these survivors, and this kind of statement can hinder the healing process for someone who doesn't know they're not the only one who wants to go back to the abuse.
For anyone who needs a book on this topic, I recommend you try these instead:
-Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
-Wisdom of Your Body
-Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness: Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing
-The Heart of Trauma: Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships
March 16, 2024
Keeping in mind that this was written in America and in 2000, it is a good basic guide for women who have just left an abusive relationship. It starts out defining what they just left - which may seem unnecessary, but I never ever looked at my situation as being in domestic violence. I thought I was the only one enduring such things and when I learned that his behaviour had a name and universally recognised dynamics and a script that all abusers must be reading, I broke down and sobbed and sobbed. I wasn't crazy after all and I wasn't alone.
This book covers any aspect you could think of involved in leaving and getting on a path to healing and even to a new relationship. It is not condemnatory or controlling in any way, constantly emphasizing it is presenting options but the choice is the victim's. This is important because her every breath, action and opinion has been controlled by her abuser up to this point.
It offers resources such as legal aid, safe houses, therapists, financial advice, etc. It helps the victim through stages of depression, anger, grief and powerlessness and gives great advice to help with her children.
This book covers any aspect you could think of involved in leaving and getting on a path to healing and even to a new relationship. It is not condemnatory or controlling in any way, constantly emphasizing it is presenting options but the choice is the victim's. This is important because her every breath, action and opinion has been controlled by her abuser up to this point.
It offers resources such as legal aid, safe houses, therapists, financial advice, etc. It helps the victim through stages of depression, anger, grief and powerlessness and gives great advice to help with her children.
September 25, 2018
I really had high hopes for this book. I saw it as being my path to healing and finding myself again. Unfortunately, it didn't really offer what was promised. The entire book was very 101, it was practically just common sense. Throughout the whole book, there were probably only about 2 areas I found new and useful. I actually got angry almost every time I picked this up for monetizing on women's pain and suffering, without offering something genuinely useful in return. This was my first book on the subject, it can't be put down to me having read it elsewhere. It just really is all common sense stuff that barely scratches the surface of what is going on inside. It deals with the practicalities after abuse well enough, but the trauma recovery? I found it to be almost useless. The only reason I've given it 3 stars is because I feel it is better than nothing. Whilst it's far from healed me, it has made me feel as though I've done something. I've cared for me, prioritised me and made a further step towards escaping him and all of the effects of him.
January 21, 2022
It is a very well-written book. I wish I was reading this when I was going through domestic violence abuse.
Everything that has been written in it would have helped me in knowing myself a bit more.
Leaving a relationship while living with a narcissist isn't an easy game. It looks courageous and all but then from within you need a lot of planning.
Even if you are sure of leaving the person you got to plan a lot from the perspective of a woman.
My heart goes out to every woman who has been through this abuse and still going through it.
You can find your way back to life. Just don't leave your faith ever in GOD.
Everything that has been written in it would have helped me in knowing myself a bit more.
Leaving a relationship while living with a narcissist isn't an easy game. It looks courageous and all but then from within you need a lot of planning.
Even if you are sure of leaving the person you got to plan a lot from the perspective of a woman.
My heart goes out to every woman who has been through this abuse and still going through it.
You can find your way back to life. Just don't leave your faith ever in GOD.
May 5, 2020
Chose this to help me understand what happens in an abusive relationship. It did give me some idea of why the abused and the abuser might make some of the choices they make. Although much did not apply to the situation I care about, enough did that I was glad to have listened to it. So sad to think this book is as needed as it is.
October 25, 2024
This book is written as a basic resource, talking about what is and isn't abuse, steps to take, being gentle with yourself as you walk the process, and how to ensure your safety and the safety of your children. It's a great place to start. I would definitely recommend.
September 7, 2021
Very practical for individuals recovering from an abusive relationship.
October 17, 2025
This was actually very decent. I never realised extreme and chaotic impulsivity is rooted in abuse, I thought I was just a bad person.
November 12, 2025
This discusses how to recover once you escape from an abusive relationship, because honestly escape is just the first step there is a lot of work and a lot of healing that must happen after. There were some great resources listed and book suggestions that I actually took. It was a great first step down healing.
For additional reviews please see my blog at www.adventuresofabibliophile.blogspot...
For additional reviews please see my blog at www.adventuresofabibliophile.blogspot...
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May 17, 2015Didn't finish this one...
April 19, 2017
Reassuring
This book understood me and everything I went through. Its incredibly reassuring. It also reminds you to be patient with your healing. Highly recommended!
This book understood me and everything I went through. Its incredibly reassuring. It also reminds you to be patient with your healing. Highly recommended!
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews