The Big Dash

by Robert Hanley

Jaxon Test, Director of Security on the spaceship Arrow is a self-described “washed up, skirt-chasing, two-fisted boozer” with a pretty sweet gig. He keeps an eye on the ship’s passengers and romances the occasional dame.

This latest trip ought to be easy as Pi, as the Arrow plays shuttle service to the CEO’s daughter and a handful of other guests. Everything is smooth sailing until word gets out about information being smuggled out of the Solar System by someone on the Arrow. It’s an act of espionage that could spark an intergalactic war and it’s up to Jax to find the spy.

Suddenly it’s screaming and ambushes and murder in the middle of Jax’s investigation. He’s got a matter of days before the FTL drops them at the Central Hub where there will be Hell to pay if he doesn’t have answers.

ebook

First published July 15, 2013

About the author

My name… is Inigo Montoya… I am the Walrus. I'm the mother flippin Rhymenoceros. I am your father. I am Iron Man. I am Pagliacci. I’m the number five. Number twelve looks just like me. I’m Spartacus. I am Groot. I am John Galt. My name is Shake-Zula, the mike ruler, the old schooler. She call me Mr. Boombastic. They call me Mr. Tibbs. Yo no soy marinero. Soy Click la camera. I'm Gumby, damn it! I am the pumpkin king. By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet! I am vengeance. I am the night. I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the subaquatic darkness. I am, I said. I am whatever you say I am. I’m metaphorical gin and juice. I was born under a wandering star. I was born to speak all mirth and no matter. I was thrown from the Tallahatchie Bridge. I am as far beyond mutants as they are beyond you. I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings. I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders. I put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop. This song is about me. Ego custodiam ipsos custodes. I am sitting in the morning at the diner on the corner. I’m in the box. I go where I wanna go. I dare do all that may become a man. I don't mind a reasonable amount of trouble. I ain’t afraid of no ghost. I'm afraid of Virginia Woolf. When I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair. I am the one who knocks. My back is toward no door. I didn’t know what day it was, when you walked into the room. I ain’t got no one sleeping with me. I want you to want me. I’ve been around this great big world and I’ve seen all kinds of girls. I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seen rain. I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name. I am the ballot in your box, the bullet in the gun. I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. I shot J.R. I shot the sheriff. I killed Laura Palmer. I took the cookie from the cookie jar. I didn’t do it. I may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. I fought the law and the law won. I am the law. By the power of Grayskull, I have the power. No power in the ‘verse can stop me. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Wherever they's a fight so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. I get too hungry for dinner at eight. I am extremely hungry, but I guess I can wait until then. I would prefer not to. I love it when a plan comes together. I love being a turtle! My CPU is a neural net processor, a learning computer. I want to believe. I always say everybody's right. I regret nothing! My only regret is that I have Boneitis. I regret almost everything! I've been denied everything; even my revenge! I’m so angry I could piss glue. When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed. Shall I go now? I’ll be back.

Reviews

[Christopher Gerrib · Rating 4 out of 5]

At last week's Windycon, I bought The Big Dash from Eggplant Literary Productions. Eggplant is a small e-press, which until recently was focused on novellas. (They just opened to novels.)

The Big Dash is one of their novellas, and is hard-boiled SF. It's the kind of story where a character will say something like "he tried to play some chin music in the key of Me-flat" and deliver said line with (presumably) a straight face. The story is narrated by Jaxon Test, security chief on the FTL ship Arrow. He's a standard hard-boiled "ship's dick" and is nominally on a milk run, which includes escorting the daughter of a major shareholder of the ship's company. (She and her father are both aliens, by the way.)

Of course, the milk run proves to be anything but, which is what makes the story entertaining. The science portion of the story is pretty light - FTL just works and trips between stars are a matter of days - but the entertainment value is high.

I personally found The Big Dash very enjoyable.