Thich Nhat Hanh has always struck me as more 'self help' than spiritual leader, but I thought upon his passing I would try a few of his books, with so many gushing reviews and eulogies from people I admire. One was a collection of clips from old retreats; one was this, and one was "Reconciliation."
I could not finish Reconciliation, and the clips-from-retreats didn't strike me as a book; and also, they are so similar and have so many identical passages that it didn't feel like reading three separate books. It felt like reading chunks of the same book three times. So rather than posting separate reviews, I'm reviewing this one, the actual book that I got to the end of.
There are many lovely things in this book. The concept of Interbeing is beautiful (though, notably, not exclusive to TNH, Buddhism or even religion. You can find similar concepts in many ecological philosophies, without the baggage I'll get into in a minute). Compassion and empathy are wonderful (it should go without saying).
But so much of his works are given over to gaslighting, enabling bullshit of abusers that my opinion of him has gone from "self-help more than spiritual leader" to "has probably contributed to the deaths of children."
His perspective--argued over in endless passages, repeated nearly identically between all three books--is that a victim should have compassion for their abuser, that the only cause for the abuse can be the abuser's greater suffering, and that the victim should take it upon themselves to love their abuser and thereby fix the abuse.
This isn't even original. This is exactly the same kind of fluffy enabling bullshit that victims of family abuse regularly hear and have to work hard to overcome to separate themselves from abusive families and become safe.
In Reconciliation he went so far as to brag that his retreats and teachings had encouraged actual children to return to the parents who had hurt them, because they understood how important it was to have compassion for their parents' greater suffering.
Look: I have plenty of compassion for my parents, particularly my father, who was clearly shaped as an adult by the abuse he experienced as a child. But that compassion does not require me to expose myself to being harmed by them. And IT DOESN'T WORK. My entire extended family has tried to 'compassion' my mother out of her narcissism and abuse for *decades.* "She can't help it! She must be suffering to cause such suffering to others! I don't want to punish her for behaviour she can't control by severing my relationship with her!" That is 100% the sole and exclusive response anyone has had to her behaviour, ever, going back to childhood (when it began; I really think she has a neurological issue that makes it impossible for her to experience empathy or realize other humans are people). Except me.
In response, my mother has come to see such coddling as an entitlement, and actively punishes anyone who refuses to put themselves in line for her abuse.
There was, in all three books, ONE sentence --ONE! -- about the safety of victims. It was followed by pages and pages and pages of the above. This undercuts its sincerity and effectiveness somewhat.
Not only does this approach not work, and put victims in line for endless abuse, it is entirely illogical.
I call this the "pit viper principle": certain wild animals, by virtue of their biology, are very dangerous to people. They can't help it. It's not personal. They don't mean to kill or hurt you. You can't blame them for hurting you, if you put yourself in their way; they're just following their own natures. Like pit vipers. You can have compassion for them if you'd like. You can even admire them, in their own habitat. But do you invite them into your living room for tea?
No. Precisely because they can't help it, it's in their nature, and they can't be blamed, a reasonable and responsible human adult takes on the responsibility of maintaining distance from these animals.
Similarly, there are some people who, through biology and circumstance, are very dangerous to other people. They can't help it. It's not personal. They don't mean to kill or hurt you. Maybe you feel you can't blame them for an issue that appears to be so beyond their own control. You can have all the compassion in the world for their helplessness, and the isolation and other consequences their nature causes for them. And that is precisely why you don't have a relationship with them: they will never be able to stop themselves from hurting you.
If you are talking about a family of origin somewhat less poisonous than a pit viper, then maybe there is something in the philosophy here of value to you.
But if you, too, have parents or caregivers who seemed fundamentally unable to care for you or anyone, I give you full permission to give this philosophy the middle finger and go on with your life, happily estranged from the ones who harmed you.