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Kezdeményezz!
Jobb, ha te választasz, mint ha téged választanak! – ezzel biztatja női olvasóit az amerikai randiguru. Birger szerint ideje tudomásul venni, hogy a romantikus minták az utóbbi években eltűnőben vannak, és a nőkre vár az új szokások kialakítása. Az internetes társkereső oldalak és a mobilalkalmazások ugyanis megváltoztatták a párkapcsolatok születésének dinamikáját, a randipiacon több az iskolázott, független nő, mint a hasonló férfi, s ez utóbbiak a #MeToo mozgalom óta végképp elbizonytalanodtak azzal kapcsolatban, hogyan is közeledhetnek félre nem értelmezhetően egy nőhöz, így azután gyakran egyáltalán nem mernek közeledni.
Nincs más hátra, a nőknek kell megtenniük az első lépést! Miért is ne? Elvégre az Y és a Z generáció lánytagjai az élet minden területén tisztában vannak vele, hogy mit – és kit – akarnak. Jól teljesítenek az iskolában, gyakran kerülnek vezető pozícióba a munkahelyükön, miért ne viselkedhetnének hát hasonló merészséggel a szerelemben? Miért kellene ölbe tett kézzel várniuk, hogy rájuk találjon az igazi?
A szerző új, bátor stratégiákat ajánl a társkeresésben, szórakoztatóan és meggyőzően kombinálva a tudományos kutatási eredményeket a valós életből vett sztorikkal. Konkrét tanácsokat ad, hogyan viselkedjünk a különféle helyzetekben, hogyan kerüljük el az online ismerkedés csapdáit, és egyáltalán, miért randizzunk idegenek helyett inkább olyasvalakivel, aki az ismerőseink közül kerül ki. A kötet nélkülözhetetlen kézikönyv minden olyan nő számára, aki másképpen akar társat keresni (és találni), mint eddig tette, csak nem tudja, hogyan lásson hozzá.
JON BIRGER amerikai újságíró, a Fortune magazin munkatársa. Írásai a Barron's, a Bloomberg Businessweek, a New York Magazine, a Time, a Daily Mail, a New York Post és a Washington Post hasábjain is megjelentek, ő maga gyakran vendégeskedik vezető nemzetközi tévécsatornák és rádióállomások műsoraiban.
Nincs más hátra, a nőknek kell megtenniük az első lépést! Miért is ne? Elvégre az Y és a Z generáció lánytagjai az élet minden területén tisztában vannak vele, hogy mit – és kit – akarnak. Jól teljesítenek az iskolában, gyakran kerülnek vezető pozícióba a munkahelyükön, miért ne viselkedhetnének hát hasonló merészséggel a szerelemben? Miért kellene ölbe tett kézzel várniuk, hogy rájuk találjon az igazi?
A szerző új, bátor stratégiákat ajánl a társkeresésben, szórakoztatóan és meggyőzően kombinálva a tudományos kutatási eredményeket a valós életből vett sztorikkal. Konkrét tanácsokat ad, hogyan viselkedjünk a különféle helyzetekben, hogyan kerüljük el az online ismerkedés csapdáit, és egyáltalán, miért randizzunk idegenek helyett inkább olyasvalakivel, aki az ismerőseink közül kerül ki. A kötet nélkülözhetetlen kézikönyv minden olyan nő számára, aki másképpen akar társat keresni (és találni), mint eddig tette, csak nem tudja, hogyan lásson hozzá.
JON BIRGER amerikai újságíró, a Fortune magazin munkatársa. Írásai a Barron's, a Bloomberg Businessweek, a New York Magazine, a Time, a Daily Mail, a New York Post és a Washington Post hasábjain is megjelentek, ő maga gyakran vendégeskedik vezető nemzetközi tévécsatornák és rádióállomások műsoraiban.
272 pages, Paperback
First published February 2, 2021
45 people are currently reading
1451 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews
November 19, 2021
After I finished this book, I was in a sobbing heap because it's just about the most depressing book I've ever read about dating. Luckily, after a night's sleep, I have a clearer head (both about the book and about dating).
For context, I'm a thirtysomething woman who lives in a rural area.
Online dating is pretty much the only way I'm going to meet people because rural area. Birger even says that online dating is probably the best option for people in rural areas. But nonetheless, the first thing Birger does is rip into online dating and how terrible it is and how bad the data is for people who meet online, even if they get married. Cool cool cool.
Later, he goes on to encourage women to not focus on their career in their 20s and instead start focusing on marriage earlier because dating is like musical chairs (he actually makes this analogy) and the dating pool gets worse as you get older. Cool cool cool.
{deep breath}
Here's the thing. Birger makes the argument that dating apps don't market how many successful matches they make, because it's better for them if people don't meet up and stop using the app, they want to turn them into repeat customers. (This is actually wrong - Bumble routinely posts pictures of couples and weddings from people who met on Bumble, and Hinge's marketing is about how it's the dating app that wants to be deleted. This is just one of many ways in which Birger tells on himself as knowing very little about modern dating culture, but more on that later.) Now, in terms of how they make their money and how they maintain a userbase, that may be true. But similarly, I'd encourage any woman reading any dating book to apply that consumer/capitalist mindset to the dating book itself. Birger knows that men aren't going to buy dating books. Men don't buy dating books, they don't hire dating coaches, because they aren't told repeatedly that they are the problem. Women buy these things, and therefore most dating books come down to some variety of "women, this is your fault." Because if we are the problem then we're also the answer! So it must just be as simple as fixing ourselves because we are the problem! What a beautiful lie.
Now, I mentioned that Birger tells on himself as knowing very little about modern dating culture. It's hard to catch onto this at first because he uses the great magicians trick of distraction - he references so many stories from women he knows and their successful relationships. So clearly he must talk to women! EXCEPT, he clearly wrote off women who aren't in relationship as being failures not worth talking to, because he has no idea what women who are currently dating are actually doing. This man repeatedly references The Rules as though he's under the impression that women are still buying and reading this book. Y'all, The Rules was an outdated reference when "Sex and the City" was airing, and we're now at the point where "Sex and the City" is outdated. That's how outdated this man's dating references are. He touts research from OkCupid, which was relevant 10 years ago, now... less so. It's not even in the top three popular dating apps. And he suggests people use Meetup.com to meet people. I... yeah.
Because he's convinced that The Rules is still the modern woman's dating bible (lololol), he thinks that the biggest problem is that women are playing hard to get. If you, you know, TALK TO WOMEN WHO ARE DATING, you'll know this ain't it. But you don't have have to do that. Just listen to any dating advice podcast (my favorites are Just Break Up, Ask Nick) and you'll know this isn't the problem. The problem is basically the opposite. An inordinate amount of dating advice letters are basically: woman tells story about a man who clearly isn't that into her and is just biding his time until he finds someone better, woman asks, is he into me? Will he ever come around and want to actually date me? In a twist, He's Just Not That Into You might actually be the most relevant modern dating book (I'm being tongue-in-cheek here, I haven't read that since college), or at least the idea that women accept a pittance from men and then spend a lot of time thinking that that dude likes her when in reality he's just queuing up the next woman he can monkeybranch to. (TO BE CLEAR, I'm not saying all men do this, or that only men do this. It absolutely happens across genders.)
To go back to an earlier point about Birger knowing who his demographic is and catering to that, Birger also relies heavily on research that supports the points he's making while conveniently ignoring research that doesn't. This is the problem with research. It's easy to impose your bias on it, but it makes you look like an expert, and most people won't blink twice about thinking that because you cite a study, you must be right. (Hopefully the prevalence of that whole "you can catch covid by running in someone's breath stream" study which was later heavily debunked will serve as a good reminder to people that just because it's in a study doesn't mean it's true.) If you go on to google and search "do relationships last between people who meet online" the first link that comes up is a story that points to two studies that say that people who meet online are happier, and that their marriages last longer. Birger, of course, finds studies that say the opposite. And for all of the research that he points to that supports the idea of women looking at marriage earlier, he conveniently doesn't include all of the research about how the older you are when you get married, the more likely the marriage is to last.
Now, there is good stuff in here. All of the encouragement for women to make the first move is good, and the idea of widening your search outside of certain parameters, that's all good stuff. But with Birger's dated references and clear lack of understanding the modern dating scene, it feels like he's built this particular pyramid on sand.
And, having said that, wow, there's so much other problematic stuff in here that I haven't even touched on. He talks about how the #MeToo movement has made dating harder for men (poor babies?), which may be true, but... really, bud? That's the point you want to make? You know what also makes dating hard for men? A culture of toxic masculinity that encourages them to not have feelings or talk about those feelings, that tells men that there is nothing wrong with them, that is the reason why men will never pick up this book, that's why men need a lot of pushing to go to therapy. But again - keeping the focus on what's wrong with women serves his demographic, because men won't buy this book.
He also: encourages women to propose, which is fine, but like - it isn't that simple? He says for women who are with men who won't pop the question that they should just do it. (And he once again blames women by talking about how women are picky about how they want to be proposed to.) If you've talked about marriage already and know that that's what you both want, that might be a fine step. But he touts it as a solution to commitment-phobic men and it ain't that easy.
Oh god, and he also suggests trying to go back to an ex. HAHAHAHAH. Sigh.
Anyway. There is good stuff in here, but again, it feels like it's propped up on a base of sand. This feels a bit like the Charlotte Simmons of dating books. Old white dudes shouldn't write novels from the perspective of college-aged women, and old married white dudes probably shouldn't write books telling young single women how to date. If you want a decent dating book, I would steer you away from this one, and steer you towards Logan Ury's How to Not Die Alone, since she takes the whole "broaden your search" approach without feeling blamey, and she's actually a younger woman who has recent dating experience to speak of, and has a better understanding of the modern dating scene since she works at Hinge. (Realizing I never reviewed that one, and I guess I should!) That said, the same caveat applies - remember that dating books are written for women because men don't buy them (aside from bullshit like The Game maybe, I guess?), and always read them in that context.
For context, I'm a thirtysomething woman who lives in a rural area.
Online dating is pretty much the only way I'm going to meet people because rural area. Birger even says that online dating is probably the best option for people in rural areas. But nonetheless, the first thing Birger does is rip into online dating and how terrible it is and how bad the data is for people who meet online, even if they get married. Cool cool cool.
Later, he goes on to encourage women to not focus on their career in their 20s and instead start focusing on marriage earlier because dating is like musical chairs (he actually makes this analogy) and the dating pool gets worse as you get older. Cool cool cool.
{deep breath}
Here's the thing. Birger makes the argument that dating apps don't market how many successful matches they make, because it's better for them if people don't meet up and stop using the app, they want to turn them into repeat customers. (This is actually wrong - Bumble routinely posts pictures of couples and weddings from people who met on Bumble, and Hinge's marketing is about how it's the dating app that wants to be deleted. This is just one of many ways in which Birger tells on himself as knowing very little about modern dating culture, but more on that later.) Now, in terms of how they make their money and how they maintain a userbase, that may be true. But similarly, I'd encourage any woman reading any dating book to apply that consumer/capitalist mindset to the dating book itself. Birger knows that men aren't going to buy dating books. Men don't buy dating books, they don't hire dating coaches, because they aren't told repeatedly that they are the problem. Women buy these things, and therefore most dating books come down to some variety of "women, this is your fault." Because if we are the problem then we're also the answer! So it must just be as simple as fixing ourselves because we are the problem! What a beautiful lie.
Now, I mentioned that Birger tells on himself as knowing very little about modern dating culture. It's hard to catch onto this at first because he uses the great magicians trick of distraction - he references so many stories from women he knows and their successful relationships. So clearly he must talk to women! EXCEPT, he clearly wrote off women who aren't in relationship as being failures not worth talking to, because he has no idea what women who are currently dating are actually doing. This man repeatedly references The Rules as though he's under the impression that women are still buying and reading this book. Y'all, The Rules was an outdated reference when "Sex and the City" was airing, and we're now at the point where "Sex and the City" is outdated. That's how outdated this man's dating references are. He touts research from OkCupid, which was relevant 10 years ago, now... less so. It's not even in the top three popular dating apps. And he suggests people use Meetup.com to meet people. I... yeah.
Because he's convinced that The Rules is still the modern woman's dating bible (lololol), he thinks that the biggest problem is that women are playing hard to get. If you, you know, TALK TO WOMEN WHO ARE DATING, you'll know this ain't it. But you don't have have to do that. Just listen to any dating advice podcast (my favorites are Just Break Up, Ask Nick) and you'll know this isn't the problem. The problem is basically the opposite. An inordinate amount of dating advice letters are basically: woman tells story about a man who clearly isn't that into her and is just biding his time until he finds someone better, woman asks, is he into me? Will he ever come around and want to actually date me? In a twist, He's Just Not That Into You might actually be the most relevant modern dating book (I'm being tongue-in-cheek here, I haven't read that since college), or at least the idea that women accept a pittance from men and then spend a lot of time thinking that that dude likes her when in reality he's just queuing up the next woman he can monkeybranch to. (TO BE CLEAR, I'm not saying all men do this, or that only men do this. It absolutely happens across genders.)
To go back to an earlier point about Birger knowing who his demographic is and catering to that, Birger also relies heavily on research that supports the points he's making while conveniently ignoring research that doesn't. This is the problem with research. It's easy to impose your bias on it, but it makes you look like an expert, and most people won't blink twice about thinking that because you cite a study, you must be right. (Hopefully the prevalence of that whole "you can catch covid by running in someone's breath stream" study which was later heavily debunked will serve as a good reminder to people that just because it's in a study doesn't mean it's true.) If you go on to google and search "do relationships last between people who meet online" the first link that comes up is a story that points to two studies that say that people who meet online are happier, and that their marriages last longer. Birger, of course, finds studies that say the opposite. And for all of the research that he points to that supports the idea of women looking at marriage earlier, he conveniently doesn't include all of the research about how the older you are when you get married, the more likely the marriage is to last.
Now, there is good stuff in here. All of the encouragement for women to make the first move is good, and the idea of widening your search outside of certain parameters, that's all good stuff. But with Birger's dated references and clear lack of understanding the modern dating scene, it feels like he's built this particular pyramid on sand.
And, having said that, wow, there's so much other problematic stuff in here that I haven't even touched on. He talks about how the #MeToo movement has made dating harder for men (poor babies?), which may be true, but... really, bud? That's the point you want to make? You know what also makes dating hard for men? A culture of toxic masculinity that encourages them to not have feelings or talk about those feelings, that tells men that there is nothing wrong with them, that is the reason why men will never pick up this book, that's why men need a lot of pushing to go to therapy. But again - keeping the focus on what's wrong with women serves his demographic, because men won't buy this book.
He also: encourages women to propose, which is fine, but like - it isn't that simple? He says for women who are with men who won't pop the question that they should just do it. (And he once again blames women by talking about how women are picky about how they want to be proposed to.) If you've talked about marriage already and know that that's what you both want, that might be a fine step. But he touts it as a solution to commitment-phobic men and it ain't that easy.
Oh god, and he also suggests trying to go back to an ex. HAHAHAHAH. Sigh.
Anyway. There is good stuff in here, but again, it feels like it's propped up on a base of sand. This feels a bit like the Charlotte Simmons of dating books. Old white dudes shouldn't write novels from the perspective of college-aged women, and old married white dudes probably shouldn't write books telling young single women how to date. If you want a decent dating book, I would steer you away from this one, and steer you towards Logan Ury's How to Not Die Alone, since she takes the whole "broaden your search" approach without feeling blamey, and she's actually a younger woman who has recent dating experience to speak of, and has a better understanding of the modern dating scene since she works at Hinge. (Realizing I never reviewed that one, and I guess I should!) That said, the same caveat applies - remember that dating books are written for women because men don't buy them (aside from bullshit like The Game maybe, I guess?), and always read them in that context.
February 26, 2023
The New Science of Dating and Why Women Are in Charge
In the words of the great villain Bane, I ask: Do you feel in charge?
Really ladies, do you?
I purchased this book with the intent of gifting it to a sweet friend, a marriage-minded girl in her late twenties struggling to actualize her relationship goals. I didn’t end up gifting it to her (due to other circumstances), but I wouldn’t have felt great about it even if I had.
In short, I view the author as a traitor to men and this book as a desperate attempt to rescue women from the hell they’ve (partially) created for themselves and intransigently continue to perpetuate. Feminism isn’t primarily responsible for the current predicament in which men and women throughout the West find themselves (that’s technology, specifically the pill), but it’s a major factor.
So what’s the secret? Behave even more like men. That’s right, just sacrifice what little femininity you have left ladies and play the dating game exactly like men do, i.e. make direct and open first moves and even propose if you must, all while telling yourself how much of a little feminist badass you are. Well, have fun… hope you handle rejection well. As every man knows, being the approacher, the first-move-maker, backfires quite a bit. Being the party that sticks their neck out isn’t so much fun after it’s been chopped off a few times. Hopefully that newfound boldness and forwardness isn’t taken advantage of either, leaving you used and discarded faster than usual. I don’t mean to be so unkind, I just hate to see that this is what it’s come to.
Males display and females choose.
This is a fundamental principle of nature. Inverting societal norms, going rogue or desperately digging for exceptions to the rule won’t change that. The tactical advice in this book is correct - to be clear, I do fully endorse a no-nonsense and aggressive dating strategy for women without time to waste - it’s just a shame that this book refuses to be at all honest about how terribly desperate the hour is and how we got here.
Women are not empowered or in charge now, only an exceedingly small percentage of men are. Women on the whole (along with most men) are desperate. That’s why they’re reading a book like this. And all those desperate men? Well, I give the author at least some credit here in exhorting women to “uncheck the college box” this time around. However, as the author alludes to, prominent evolutionary psychologist David Buss (whose book The Evolution of Desire I wholeheartedly recommend) has directly expressed his doubt about such a trend succeeding at a widespread level, to which the author’s only retort is optimism. At the end of the day here it’s really once again all about helping women bail themselves out of their past sins without lessons learned, rather than face the harsh realities regarding the root of the disorder and what needs to be done on a fundamental level to reharmonize.
For those interested in truly understanding the situation, I recommend Sexual Utopia in Power by Roger F. Devlin. But beware, especially if you subscribe to a feminist worldview, it’s a bitter backhand of a book.
In the words of the great villain Bane, I ask: Do you feel in charge?
Really ladies, do you?
I purchased this book with the intent of gifting it to a sweet friend, a marriage-minded girl in her late twenties struggling to actualize her relationship goals. I didn’t end up gifting it to her (due to other circumstances), but I wouldn’t have felt great about it even if I had.
In short, I view the author as a traitor to men and this book as a desperate attempt to rescue women from the hell they’ve (partially) created for themselves and intransigently continue to perpetuate. Feminism isn’t primarily responsible for the current predicament in which men and women throughout the West find themselves (that’s technology, specifically the pill), but it’s a major factor.
So what’s the secret? Behave even more like men. That’s right, just sacrifice what little femininity you have left ladies and play the dating game exactly like men do, i.e. make direct and open first moves and even propose if you must, all while telling yourself how much of a little feminist badass you are. Well, have fun… hope you handle rejection well. As every man knows, being the approacher, the first-move-maker, backfires quite a bit. Being the party that sticks their neck out isn’t so much fun after it’s been chopped off a few times. Hopefully that newfound boldness and forwardness isn’t taken advantage of either, leaving you used and discarded faster than usual. I don’t mean to be so unkind, I just hate to see that this is what it’s come to.
Males display and females choose.
This is a fundamental principle of nature. Inverting societal norms, going rogue or desperately digging for exceptions to the rule won’t change that. The tactical advice in this book is correct - to be clear, I do fully endorse a no-nonsense and aggressive dating strategy for women without time to waste - it’s just a shame that this book refuses to be at all honest about how terribly desperate the hour is and how we got here.
Women are not empowered or in charge now, only an exceedingly small percentage of men are. Women on the whole (along with most men) are desperate. That’s why they’re reading a book like this. And all those desperate men? Well, I give the author at least some credit here in exhorting women to “uncheck the college box” this time around. However, as the author alludes to, prominent evolutionary psychologist David Buss (whose book The Evolution of Desire I wholeheartedly recommend) has directly expressed his doubt about such a trend succeeding at a widespread level, to which the author’s only retort is optimism. At the end of the day here it’s really once again all about helping women bail themselves out of their past sins without lessons learned, rather than face the harsh realities regarding the root of the disorder and what needs to be done on a fundamental level to reharmonize.
For those interested in truly understanding the situation, I recommend Sexual Utopia in Power by Roger F. Devlin. But beware, especially if you subscribe to a feminist worldview, it’s a bitter backhand of a book.
April 11, 2021
This book was hard for me to pick because I am a 35 year old single woman who has no damn clue what she's doing when it comes to dating. I thought this was a well-researched, well documented and well written book. I find it refreshing that his viewpoint has changed so much from his previous book. That he's grown and wrote this one in order to share what he learned since his previous works. He's not claiming to be the most knowledgeable person in the world when it comes to these issues but he has researched his own assumptions and I think that's great. And rare. And I found the statistics and the findings in this book to be fascinating.
Does it work? That's probably the question a lot of people are wanting to know the answer to. Does this book give you the answer? And the trouble is I don't know. I know that what previous dating books have told me to do didn't work. And I also know that I've been doing this fresh make your move approach based off of stuff that I had learned before I ever even read this book. Before I even reading it, I had adopted his views. But I'm still single. So I don't know if this book has all the answers but I do know that I found it useful and logically he makes a very sound point. But it's not a love potion. This book will not magically make you somebody who gets to have a happy relationship. I wish there were books with such power. But what it might do is give you more information to weigh in order to choose to do what you think makes the most sense. In this book, he gives you strategies, using a new paradigm, to go after love and get it. It encourages you to take action, and risk rejection, and in a sense, be the master of your own destiny.
Thank you #netgalley for giving me the chance to read this book in exchange for an honest review.
Does it work? That's probably the question a lot of people are wanting to know the answer to. Does this book give you the answer? And the trouble is I don't know. I know that what previous dating books have told me to do didn't work. And I also know that I've been doing this fresh make your move approach based off of stuff that I had learned before I ever even read this book. Before I even reading it, I had adopted his views. But I'm still single. So I don't know if this book has all the answers but I do know that I found it useful and logically he makes a very sound point. But it's not a love potion. This book will not magically make you somebody who gets to have a happy relationship. I wish there were books with such power. But what it might do is give you more information to weigh in order to choose to do what you think makes the most sense. In this book, he gives you strategies, using a new paradigm, to go after love and get it. It encourages you to take action, and risk rejection, and in a sense, be the master of your own destiny.
Thank you #netgalley for giving me the chance to read this book in exchange for an honest review.
January 24, 2021
I love Jon’s way of fusing real life stories of couples he knows and academic research to prove why women should make the first move in relationships. I always have known that it’s silly to wait around for a guy, but Jon has a way of encouraging the reader to actually go for it, and he provides real advice about how to approach different scenarios. I recommend this book to any straight woman who wants to approach dating differently but doesn’t quite know how yet. 5 stars, easily!
February 2, 2021
In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth is infuriated to learn that Mr. Darcy has separated Mr. Bingley from her sister Jane, who loves Bingley deeply. Darcy later writes in his defense that he had observed her sister. “Her look and manners were open, cheerful and engaging as ever, but without any symptom of peculiar regard, and I remained convinced from the evening’s scrutiny, that though she received his attentions with pleasure, she did not invite them by participation of sentiment.” In modern terms, Darcy concluded Jane just wasn’t that into Bingley. If only Jane had read Jon Birger’s book, her affection for Bingley would have been evident, and a lot of misery would have been avoided.
Fortunately, modern women can read and learn from science, which Birger marshals to make his case that demonstrating affection for a man is more likely to result in a lasting relationship than sitting back and playing hard to get. In hindsight, my own marriage of more than 25 years may have been the direct result of the particular way I sat down next to my husband at a party, which he understood to be an expression of my interest (we have different memories of the event, but his perception undoubtedly changed at that moment; he thought I had given him a cold shoulder months earlier, when that was not what I had intended). Everything about Make Your Move makes perfect sense, even though it runs against much of the common dating advice. I plan to recommend it to my single friends, especially the ones complaining about the miseries of dating apps and the men they meet through them.
Fortunately, modern women can read and learn from science, which Birger marshals to make his case that demonstrating affection for a man is more likely to result in a lasting relationship than sitting back and playing hard to get. In hindsight, my own marriage of more than 25 years may have been the direct result of the particular way I sat down next to my husband at a party, which he understood to be an expression of my interest (we have different memories of the event, but his perception undoubtedly changed at that moment; he thought I had given him a cold shoulder months earlier, when that was not what I had intended). Everything about Make Your Move makes perfect sense, even though it runs against much of the common dating advice. I plan to recommend it to my single friends, especially the ones complaining about the miseries of dating apps and the men they meet through them.
March 29, 2021
“It’s Better to Choose Than Be Chosen” - Jon Birger
Make Your Move is incredible and it will change the way you think about dating. After hearing Jon’s episode on Girls Gotta Eat Podcast I knew I had to read this book.
He writes about why women should make the first moves when it’s comes to dating and proves why we shouldn’t follow “the rules”
One chapter titled ‘Date Who You Know’ he writes “Its easier to connect romantically with people whom you already know than with people who are complete strangers” going on to say that we should date people we already know not someone we meet online. It’s true looking back I’ve never had lasting success with guys I’ve met online and this book really changes your opinion on how we date now and how we build connections..
At so many points in this book I found myself saying you know what he’s right this is so stupid how we’ve went dating this long always waiting for the guy to talk to us or make the first moves. It has definitely opened my eyes to a new way of dating anyone who is currently dating or single needs to read this book!
Make Your Move is incredible and it will change the way you think about dating. After hearing Jon’s episode on Girls Gotta Eat Podcast I knew I had to read this book.
He writes about why women should make the first moves when it’s comes to dating and proves why we shouldn’t follow “the rules”
One chapter titled ‘Date Who You Know’ he writes “Its easier to connect romantically with people whom you already know than with people who are complete strangers” going on to say that we should date people we already know not someone we meet online. It’s true looking back I’ve never had lasting success with guys I’ve met online and this book really changes your opinion on how we date now and how we build connections..
At so many points in this book I found myself saying you know what he’s right this is so stupid how we’ve went dating this long always waiting for the guy to talk to us or make the first moves. It has definitely opened my eyes to a new way of dating anyone who is currently dating or single needs to read this book!
February 11, 2021
Okay, so this was actually excellent and extremely compelling. Lots to unpack here - why online dating is worse than you think, how the #MeToo movement reshaped dating approaches, the implications of there being more college-educated women on the dating market than college-educated men... it's all here. The studies were so persuasive that I have forever changed my approach to dating - even in the last two days, I have taken steps I never would have considered before. I mean, I would ask out the rare friend and think I was enlightened (but really I learned, that's like Step 2 of 5). If you are in your 20s or older, there were so many things that we internalized that simply do not make sense in the post-MeToo era.
If you are a marriage-minded, single, straight female, this really should be required reading. This is a fresh perspective on the dating scene, and I am all for it.
If you are a marriage-minded, single, straight female, this really should be required reading. This is a fresh perspective on the dating scene, and I am all for it.
March 31, 2021
It was a great read, I would definitely recommend it!
January 26, 2024
I found this book through some internet rabbit hole that I can't remember the genesis of and checked it out spur-of-the-moment from the library. It's not the type of book I typically read but it was just what I needed right now. All the questions surrounding modern dating, guy-girl relationship dynamics, and what's happening to young men today are big and complex and certainly can't be explained in one book, but what this book does excellently is staying in its lane. This is not an academic sociology study or philosophical discourse on gender—it's a practical, how-to book for a particular kind of woman: straight, marriage-minded, despairing over the apparent lack of suitable men.
For those who, like me, came out of very traditional upbringings and were taught that as a woman you must always let the man pursue, this book provides a helpful balance. For better or for worse, a lot things have changed and we don't have to sit around without agency, bewailing the passage of time in our lonely towers. Importantly—and Birger emphasizes this—taking a more active role in seeking out potential partners doesn't mean you have to initiate everything or sacrifice your femininity or adopt only masculine styles of communication. The biggest takeaway for me was that you simply should consider being more direct and bold in looking for partners and letting them know you're interested—open the door, and they can take it from there. You can still be pursued, but you don't have to be ashamed of showing interest first. In fact, in today's world, you will probably have to.
Some of the suggestions that stood out most to me are:
- consider dating younger
- consider dating blue collar
- get off dating apps and screw up your courage to talk to real guys in your real life
I don't agree with all of his points but I found it a refreshing and eye-opening look at some helpful, practical suggestions for how to approach this crazy dating landscape.
For those who, like me, came out of very traditional upbringings and were taught that as a woman you must always let the man pursue, this book provides a helpful balance. For better or for worse, a lot things have changed and we don't have to sit around without agency, bewailing the passage of time in our lonely towers. Importantly—and Birger emphasizes this—taking a more active role in seeking out potential partners doesn't mean you have to initiate everything or sacrifice your femininity or adopt only masculine styles of communication. The biggest takeaway for me was that you simply should consider being more direct and bold in looking for partners and letting them know you're interested—open the door, and they can take it from there. You can still be pursued, but you don't have to be ashamed of showing interest first. In fact, in today's world, you will probably have to.
Some of the suggestions that stood out most to me are:
- consider dating younger
- consider dating blue collar
- get off dating apps and screw up your courage to talk to real guys in your real life
I don't agree with all of his points but I found it a refreshing and eye-opening look at some helpful, practical suggestions for how to approach this crazy dating landscape.
May 19, 2021
I would recommend this to my single friends.
Some very compelling results/ facts on current studies. A refreshing perspective.
Confronts stigmas and "old fashioned" ways of navigating the current relationship climate.
This booked elaborated on the realities of online dating, unrealistic expectations, the "METOO" movement, female/ male perspective, real stories of real people, and more. At times, it made me feel a inspired to try an alternative approach and "Seize the day!" as they say.
I might even read it again to pick up anything I might have missed or thought over the last time.
Some very compelling results/ facts on current studies. A refreshing perspective.
Confronts stigmas and "old fashioned" ways of navigating the current relationship climate.
This booked elaborated on the realities of online dating, unrealistic expectations, the "METOO" movement, female/ male perspective, real stories of real people, and more. At times, it made me feel a inspired to try an alternative approach and "Seize the day!" as they say.
I might even read it again to pick up anything I might have missed or thought over the last time.
February 10, 2021
Full review here: https://dearstrangethings.substack.co...
February 17, 2022
Ok very interesting data in here… I learned a lot. CATCH ME SUMMER 2k22 when it’s warm out… y’all won’t even KNOW ITS ME
January 26, 2021
5/5 stars!
I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced copy of this book from the publisher via NetGalley. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
I learned a lot about dating and coming out of my shell while reading this book. It engaged my brain to think and analyze myself and my priorities in life more and where dating is ranked in that. I loved how thought-provoking this book is and how it gives not just tips and advice, but confidence to women as well.
I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced copy of this book from the publisher via NetGalley. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
I learned a lot about dating and coming out of my shell while reading this book. It engaged my brain to think and analyze myself and my priorities in life more and where dating is ranked in that. I loved how thought-provoking this book is and how it gives not just tips and advice, but confidence to women as well.
February 3, 2021
This book should be required reading for every young woman who wants to marry a man and have children, like I did once upon a time. It will save many of them loads of time and heartache. As a bonus, it’s super well written and fun to read!
February 3, 2021
Recommending this to my single female friends... it's a well-written, smart relationship book that gives solid advice based on real data.
September 1, 2021
This book was echoing everything I’ve been thinking for years, but needed validated thru sociological research and studies I didn’t know where to find. Now I have it all in one place! Recommended to any man or woman walking thru singleness or someone married wanted to getting a grasp on current dating culture and how it’s changed since the 1970’s. Old wisdom and advice is no longer relevant.
February 2, 2021
A modern approach to dating that is needed in today’s trying times and uncertain dating climate. Excellent read. Will recommend to my other single friends!
February 15, 2022
Jon makes quite a compelling case for women making the first move. Even before I read this, I was already advising my single female friends that taking more of an assertive role in their dating life might be the better approach. Now I have somewhere to send them where the case is made better than I can. This was a natural sequel to Jon's first book which if you're a marriage-minded, college educated woman might have left you with a bit of a hopeless feeling. Well, he listened to the questions and Make Your Move is hopefully what you'll need to go forth and get your man!
July 25, 2021
The title caught my attention so I picked up this dating book and was pleasantly surprised by the content. Although geared towards women, I enjoyed the case he made for women to take control and make the first move when it comes to their dating life. He discussed why online dating isn’t good, the problem with the paradox of choice, meeting your partner at work, and why the #metoo movement has led to many men scared to make the initial connection. Good stuff!!! 😀
May 19, 2021
TL;DR: while you’re a badass at work and among your friends/family, apply that same badassery when it comes to dating.
June 23, 2021
Quick and easy read packed with insights and strategies for dating as a woman today. I’m excited to put these tips in practice.
December 26, 2022
An absolute must read for single women everywhere. Even if you don’t think this book could be helpful for you, I implore you to read it strictly to garner a different perspective on dating than the traditional narratives of the past and the modern day.
Personally, I find Birger’s advice and perspective on this topic has fundamentally changed the way I view dating, relationships, and singleness. Not only was this book a great ego boost for women everywhere, but it was also a big truth bomb.
We are not the problem ladies!!! The problem is actually math (of course)! Ratios are imbalanced between single men and women, with the latter being in surplus, thus making it difficult for all the incredible single women out there to find romance. Birger suggests we take matters into our own hands; after reading his advice in its entirety, I don’t mind putting in the extra work to make it happen.
Also, I must admit I think it’s important and beneficial that this book is written from the perspective of a heterosexual, cis-gendered man. No, he’s not telling women what to do to please men at all (thanks Jon). He’s giving women insight into a world foreign to us, though one he is inherently part of. While he does not take us through the depths of the male psyche, Birger does have the advantage of knowing the very subject his audience is attempting to seek out and attain. Thus, this eliminates confusion, extraneous variable, and, quite honestly, a large chunk of risk factor when absorbing Birger’s reports and trying to put his advice into action.
Overall, this was a great read with many entertaining real-life stories that aided Birger’s words of wisdom and balanced out his well-researched data. 10/10 highly recommend.
Personally, I find Birger’s advice and perspective on this topic has fundamentally changed the way I view dating, relationships, and singleness. Not only was this book a great ego boost for women everywhere, but it was also a big truth bomb.
We are not the problem ladies!!! The problem is actually math (of course)! Ratios are imbalanced between single men and women, with the latter being in surplus, thus making it difficult for all the incredible single women out there to find romance. Birger suggests we take matters into our own hands; after reading his advice in its entirety, I don’t mind putting in the extra work to make it happen.
Also, I must admit I think it’s important and beneficial that this book is written from the perspective of a heterosexual, cis-gendered man. No, he’s not telling women what to do to please men at all (thanks Jon). He’s giving women insight into a world foreign to us, though one he is inherently part of. While he does not take us through the depths of the male psyche, Birger does have the advantage of knowing the very subject his audience is attempting to seek out and attain. Thus, this eliminates confusion, extraneous variable, and, quite honestly, a large chunk of risk factor when absorbing Birger’s reports and trying to put his advice into action.
Overall, this was a great read with many entertaining real-life stories that aided Birger’s words of wisdom and balanced out his well-researched data. 10/10 highly recommend.
August 11, 2021
Much of this book is geared towards younger singles. My four-star rating is for the first three chapters. I only skimmed the chapters after reaching halfway once I realized that they didn’t really apply to me. BUT! The first three chapters were quite remarkable!
My interaction habits between males and me changed immediately upon finishing chapter 3. I even made a test run to Home Depot and Target to test out my new skills. Alas, I was unable to find any worthy applicants. But, the feeling of confidence that I gained from these chapters has stuck with me.
In the first 3 chapters, the author identifies some of the obviously bad and yet habitual patterns that women often follow when interacting with men. This is going to sound dumb, but here is a word of advice from the author. If you like a guy, it’s a good idea to let him know. BUT! This advice goes against what many of us women have been taught. We have been taught that men don’t want what they can easily have and/or that we should play coy. I don’t know about you, but smiling and looking at my shoes has so far yielded zero results.
My interaction habits between males and me changed immediately upon finishing chapter 3. I even made a test run to Home Depot and Target to test out my new skills. Alas, I was unable to find any worthy applicants. But, the feeling of confidence that I gained from these chapters has stuck with me.
In the first 3 chapters, the author identifies some of the obviously bad and yet habitual patterns that women often follow when interacting with men. This is going to sound dumb, but here is a word of advice from the author. If you like a guy, it’s a good idea to let him know. BUT! This advice goes against what many of us women have been taught. We have been taught that men don’t want what they can easily have and/or that we should play coy. I don’t know about you, but smiling and looking at my shoes has so far yielded zero results.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 26, 2021
I won a copy of this self help book in a Goodreads Giveaway. Thank you!
Just by chance, I’m in the demographic targeted by this book. While I am single, the author agrees with many of my own thoughts and view points on dating - and ones that I argue about with friends on occasion. Like many self help books, I didn’t find anything new or lightning bolts in this, but it articulated a lot of ideas and strategies that are well thought out and make a lot of sense. I also like that it incorporates working with an online site so that there is some built in fluidity, and support system from others trying out the suggestions in the book. Well done, and I know several people who want to borrow it now that I’m done.
Just by chance, I’m in the demographic targeted by this book. While I am single, the author agrees with many of my own thoughts and view points on dating - and ones that I argue about with friends on occasion. Like many self help books, I didn’t find anything new or lightning bolts in this, but it articulated a lot of ideas and strategies that are well thought out and make a lot of sense. I also like that it incorporates working with an online site so that there is some built in fluidity, and support system from others trying out the suggestions in the book. Well done, and I know several people who want to borrow it now that I’m done.
February 21, 2024
I started listening to this last fall and then paused my Audible subscription leaving it with an hour left to go. That's how into it I was.
Temporarily resumed my Audible subscription so I finished this up for completion's sake.
Did I learn anything or agree or disagree heartily with anything?
Ummmmm what I remember and somewhat agree with is that
-Marriage has changed. Each partner has equal responsibility in asking the other to marry them. Irrespective of traditional sexist gender roles or sexes of couple.
-Go where the people you are looking for are. Group sports was plugged. Yikes.
-Because more women have degrees than men, don't let education be the barrier between you and other men with less education.
Temporarily resumed my Audible subscription so I finished this up for completion's sake.
Did I learn anything or agree or disagree heartily with anything?
Ummmmm what I remember and somewhat agree with is that
-Marriage has changed. Each partner has equal responsibility in asking the other to marry them. Irrespective of traditional sexist gender roles or sexes of couple.
-Go where the people you are looking for are. Group sports was plugged. Yikes.
-Because more women have degrees than men, don't let education be the barrier between you and other men with less education.
January 31, 2023
Jon Birger should have stopped after writing his first book. Besides telling straight women to ask men out, propose to them, date younger and non-college educated men, I think straight women reading this book should take the author’s advice with a grain of salt. For a data-informed journalist, a lot of the book read like a middle-school debater—selectively presenting statistics and anecdotes without acknowledging the merits of the opposing side. Mr. Birger seems to be totally out of touch with the realities of modern dating.
March 27, 2022
This book offers an updated and refreshing overview of modern dating. Written in 2021, it details the new realities of dating in a #metoo and pandemic society. I have already recommended this book to various friends. Even if you are not on the dating scene, it's an interesting read on society and modern relationships and for those already coupled, it provides insight into the current world in which your single friends must navigate. Highly recommend!
January 5, 2023
This book was so informative. It hit me with a lot of stats with helpful information & advice that I really want to start using. It definitely changed my POV on multiple lanes in my life. Read this book just to have a fresh mindset for the new year!
March 15, 2021
How ton have a long lasting relationship in today's world. This book has lots of great advice. I liked his advice for single women.
April 1, 2022
Interesting take. Fast read.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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