Technical Virgin: How Far is Too Far?

by Hayley DiMarco

Every teenage girl craves male attention. But how does she know when and where to draw the line? What if she's already stepped over that line? And how can she find her way back? In a culture where hookups and friends-with-benefits are commonplace, how far is too far when it comes to the physical?

The technical virgin, a term becoming all too familiar with Christian teens, is someone who believes in abstinence but allows loopholes in their physical relationships, thereby compromising true purity. In this new book, Hayley DiMarco takes a look at what purity really is. With her straightforward, in-your-face writing, she shows girls

- what they are really saying about themselves through their sexy actions
- what happens when purity is reduced to a technicality
- what words like abstinence and commitment really mean
- what God says on the subject of purity

With candid advice, personal insight, and tough truth from God's Word, Hayley DiMarco will help teen girls understand who they are so they can make informed, godly decisions about purity and sex.

Genres: Young Adult, Christian, Relationships, Inspirational, Christianity

160 pages, Paperback

First published July 1, 2006

About the author

Hayley DiMarco is the best-selling author of over 30 books, including God Girl, Mean Girls, and Die Young. She and her husband, Michael, run Hungry Planet, a company focused on producing books that combine hard-hitting biblical truth with cutting-edge design in Nashville, Tennessee.

Reviews

[Sheri-lee · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this book as research for an upcoming session I'm presenting specifically to girls at a youth conference about sex. As much as I would like to say I liked this book, I just can not. I feel like there are a lot of books out there for boys about sex and faith, but few for girls. Sigh.

While I agree with the premises of the book of waiting until you are married to have sex, I just could not handle the style of writing. I really feel like DiMarco paints a very bad picture of boys. It's super black and white and there is no room for grey. If I read this as a teenage girl I think I would come out with some pretty warped views of boys. She kind of paints them to be automatons driven by their hormones only and having no control whatsoever.

For example re: black and white thinking: that tickling is a sexual behaviour for boys, always. So, a dad tickling his kid is sexual? Or to confine it to teenage boys (whose hormones are rather raging in comparison to an older father's)...is a teenage boy having a tickle fight with a younger sibling sexual? No. Come on. A lot of touch/things can become sexual but are not innately sexual. And touch can be more sexually charged amongst teenagers (boys AND girls) whose hormones are really spiking. But I know adult women who do not go to male massage therapists, physios, or even doctors and I think it's because they have this fear that any physical touch might be making that professional think sexual thoughts about them. Sure boys are more visual, sure they think about sex more than girls, but they still can have some sort of control.

I also don't like that she talks about 'playing hard to get'. Boys like it when you're hard to get. Again, sure boys like pursuing girls, but why would we teach our girls to play games surrounding sex. I think it's an unfortunate choice of words she uses and it sends mixed messages. And I think it's manipulative. At one point she even says that girls used to be able to use marriage as a bargaining chip to get boys to marry you. We only have sex if you marry me. How is that a healthy view of marriage? I don't like that she talks about sex or with holding sex as a way to keep your power/control. Relationships should never be about power and control. I. just. can't. even.

The longer I read the more frustrated I got. The chapter on porn is about romance movies being porn for girls because we want the romance story and the romance story is what drives us to have impure thoughts about guys. Sure, that's more how girls are driven compared to boys, but it completely doesn't even touch on girls and actual porn. Now, I realize this book was published in 2006, so things have changed as porn has become more and more available/accessible online ... but there are a lot more girls who are dealing with porn addictions now and to not even talk about it in a book about sexual purity seems wrong. I also don't like that she says boys only watch romantic comedies to get sex from the girl they are watching with...that they don't enjoy romance at all. Again, sure maybe most guys are not all into 'chick flicks' as DiMarco calls them, but my husband likes a good romcom every once in a while. He even has go to favourites that he likes to watch. And us watching them together does not mean we're having sex later. Sometimes it's nice to watch a boy meets girl story.

I also cannot handle that she used the 'Soup Nazi' to say 'No grace for you!' Who are you to tell us God's grace has limits? While I understand she is trying to put a cultural reference in when speaking about repentance (i.e. you really should not go on sinning purposefully because you know God will forgive you anyway)...it's just unfortunate the way that info is presented. I do not get to say that God would with hold grace from someone. That is not my job. I do get to say that the Bible and God ask us to turn from our sins and change our behaviour instead of the lip service of confession and continuation in sin. AND I do not see God as the soup nazi. That's a terrible view of God and makes him into a joke. God is not a joke. Grace is not a joke. Repentance is not joke.

And lastly, towards the end, after she has pretty much vilified boys, she says, 'the perfect guy' is out there for you. Black and white. NO guy is perfect. We need to stop setting women up to fail in marriage because things don't turn out perfect. Perfect is not reality. Messy is reality. And that is okay. In our messiness, we learn more about our need for God, how to love others better, how to be empathetic and compassionate, and how to avoid self-righteousness by remaining humble. Perfect romance is not achievable and that's the message she sent at the end.

Sorry that this is a rant. It's more because I'm disappointed at how few books are out there for girls specifically when it comes to sex...at least ones that feel more real and honest and gracious.

[Angeline · Rating 1 out of 5]

According to this book, a girl who gives a guy a blow job is a prostitute. Also, by doing so the girl is leading the guy astray even if he encouraged her to give the blow job. This is so wrong and offensive on so many levels.

Actual Quote From The Book: “Notice God blames the woman for her evil ways, not the man. He just warns the man about her. If you are allowing a guy to use you for sexual satisfaction, then you are leading him down a path of destruction, and God is blaming you.”

Yikes!!!! What if someone who’s been raped or is in an abusive relationship reads this? I know it is not DiMarco’s intention for this to be directed at date rape victims, but it is possible for someone to misinterpret her words to a damaging end.

Also, female porn in this book is just romcoms. As if, women don’t ever watch real porn.

I don’t intend to have sex before marriage, but I don’t think it’s right to be so judgemental. It could be very damaging for some young girls to read this.

[Morgan Joyner · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am honestly pretty scared that so many young women have read this book. I agree with the principles it puts forth - principles of modesty and being careful in relationships - but the manner in which the author's beliefs are delivered is incredibly hurtful. Hayley DiMarco harshly admonishes women who have sexually screwed up in some manner. She teaches that, if you lose your virginity (technical or otherwise), you lose your value. That should NOT be the way we teach our sisters and daughters the importance of abstinence. The most effective teaching is not fear-based but love-inspired (after all, the point of remaining abstinent isn't so much to avoid going to hell, the point is to please God). Teach young women that they will be so much more if they guard themselves sexually, teach them that they are loved and accepted and forgiven even if they make a mistake (because people do make mistakes). Be firm and unwavering, yes, but always with love.

[Ara · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ex-evangelical and SA survivor here: this book is horrific.

I read it as a teenager and it made me upset and uncomfortable - quite literally reinforced to me that my sexual assault made me useless, dirty, and gross. And heaven forbid you think about telling someone about this trauma - because in DiMarco and any other 'Christian' eyes like hers, it is all your fault, and somehow you invited this violence upon yourself.

As an adult looking back, I am appalled this was published.

The amount of vehement, non-stop victim blaming, sex shaming, purity culture nonsense all cloaked in a cute little misogynistic package is just unreal. This is the worst possible book a young person (of faith or not) could read.

This book insists that all touch is inherently sexual, and if you engage in intimacy of any forms you are to blame for any resulting violence or emotional upset. How is that healthy?

All DiMarco has done is further enable a culture already struggling to escape patriarchal violence and oppression. Don't even get me STARTED on her other book "Too Sexy: How Hot is Too Hot" that uses a quaint example of pedophilia to somehow prove that it's a minor's fault, actually, if a grown adult sexualizes them. DiMarco says that if a girl's male pastor is distracted by her body while giving a sermon, that's her fault, and she is making him stray.

Really? Seeing a child's body invokes sexual arousal in an adult is the child's fault? That sounds like a predator who has no business being in a position of moral authority. That is a Grown. Man. CHOOSING to act in a predatory manner.

Clothes never equal consent, and this should be common f*cking sense if you're pretending to be some kind of morally superior person.

Oh and DiMarco's lovely message that 'everyone who sees you looking like that (daring to dress how you like especially if it's not 'modest') is "taking home a porno of you in their mind".

How. Despicable. Can. You. Be. No one is responsible for the desires of others. That is entirely on them to manage. If you find yourself unable to restrain the 'urge' to molest, attack, or act in a predatory manner toward anyone regardless of age, that's a sign you need some serious therapy to prevent hurting others.

Imagine, in a court of law, arguing that a child's bare shoulders means you had no control over your predatory behaviour. In a world governed by DiMarco's morals, that is completely understandable, and oh my god of course that little girl meant to arouse a grown person and invite violence!!

This book is an appalling mess that encourages shame and excuses wilful violence against women.

Christian writers wanting to explain sex and desire and offer thoughtful ways of engaging or disengaging with sexual behaviour? Do better - and maybe stop excusing pedophiles and predators in the process.

[Randall Darden · Rating 1 out of 5]

I agree with Hayley DiMarco's perspective on several points, however, just because I agree with her moral stance does not make this a good book. Her cynicism and sarcastic statements are not kind, nor well thought out, and definitely not appreciated. Her tongue in cheek statements eat away at the very foundation for Biblical morality she is attempting to develop. For instance, "...doing what your bodies feel like doing just as long as you avoid the 'f word' (fornication)?" p.22 DiMarco directly relates virginity and sexuality to worth, meaning one loses value by having sex. This book is a "tirade on sexuality and you" p.130 and uses fear tactics throughout, while throwing logic and scripture out the window. This quote captures her sexism, her idea of using sex as a commodity, and her skewed motivation for righteous living in two sentences. "Once you understand how guys can use your sexual activity to rip you off, you are a huge step closer to stepping away from the stuff you've been doing or thinking about doing and a lot closer to staying pure. Don't think of it as a call to purity; think of it as a step in the right direction for your image, for your PR campaign, and for finding the perfect man." p.130 DiMarco drags the reader's mind through the gutter via pictures and language, and consistently contradicts herself throughout the book.

[Amanda Torres · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this years and years ago but I think it's important to highlight how incredibly damaging the message in this books is. The idea that women are responsible for a man's (or teenage boys in this case) inability to control their behaviour, their lust if you will... I don't even think I need to break down why it's so problematic. I flipped it open a few weeks back with my husband and was shocked at the stuff I was reading and thought no wonder I felt such shame about myself as a woman... gosh! I should add some quotes later when I have the book in front of me... This toxic purity culture shame the women excuse the men attitude permeates much of the evangelical church and to be frank, its outdated and harmful. Don't read this, don't let your teenagers read it, don't donate it. Use it for fire starter next time you go camping... at least that way it will contribute something positive to your life.

[Rachel Leonard · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hayley DiMarco is a raging misogynist. I could give so many examples but my favorite piece of flaming poo from this “book” aims to tell young women that if you have premarital sex you are “a piece of meat that will be chewed up and spit back out” (direct quote). She also claims that being sexually active literally AGES YOU so if you want to stay young, “cute” and desirable you better not have any sex ever. These scientific inaccuracies and flaming shit-takes would be laughable if I weren’t busy being terrified that young women have actually been subjected to them. Hayley, if you are reading this, it’s not too late to seek help.

[Belle · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book reeks of sexism, plain and simple. While there is nothing wrong with encouraging young people to abstain from sex, calling girls who give blowjobs 'prostitutes' and painting men as sex-crazed animals who will lie to you to get what they want (and then presenting this as 'natural') is flat-out wrong. Drinking sewer water is more productive (not to mention less toxic) than reading this garbage.

[Alima · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wish I could give this book 0 stars. Unintentionally hilarious if you’re an adult, but this is a dangerous book for young girls to be reading!!!

[Rebecca Trent · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommended to parents with daughters right at dating age. I wish I could have read this book as a teen. It makes things so clear.

[Autumncandy]

This book should be interesting

[Sisipho Aishat]

Pretty interesting

[Leah · Rating 1 out of 5]

i read this book a decade ago in high school youth group, and it still haunts me.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

It only took me a few hours to read this mostly good book. I think that Hayley's main points are very good and she presents it well. She has the teen speak down, and doesn't come off as pushy or condemning. She lays it out from God's point of view and then let's you decide what to do with it.
I only really have a problem with two things about the book.
First is that she basicly says -guys are all perverted jerks who can't think about anything but sex, only they aren't really perverted jerks because that's how they're made and can't help it.- Now I know that that is kinda true, but at the same time it is insulting all those guys out there who are not perverted jerks and are working very hard to keep their minds out of the sexual gutter and on living for God. Every guy has a visual weakness but the difference between a perverted jerk and a godly man is: perverted jerks revel in it saying, 'I'm just a guy, it's how we're wired.' But a guy striving to be Christlike will say, 'It's a weakness but I'm gonna fight it!' and then does! By avoiding sights that bring him down when he can, and when he can't he goes to God to be renewed. And by looking at who the girl really is not at her body. Girls, I know guys like this, and we need to help them fight, not be part of the problem and bring them down.
Second thing is that Hayley doesn't take it far enough. She tells us that statistically teens relationships don't end in marrge but she sill encourages girls to date-but to date godly, keeping your minds, hearts, and bodies pure. Tell me, how many people do you know that can be in relationships and not taint their minds, hearts, and bodies? Not to mention that the reason for a romantic relationship is to end in marriage, it only recently became used for "discovering your sexuality" and getting relationship "experience" or "practise". But maybe she just wanted to give them a nudge in the right direction and didn't want to scare girls off with something that sounded like becomming a nun till they are old enough or want to get married. Well even with those two things, there is a lot of good sill in this book.
So there it is; my opinion for what it's worth :)

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

One caveat with this book: if you're a teen please read this with a trusted adult woman and dicuss it with them as there are some things the author, Hayley DiMarco, says about guys that is very disheartening.

That said, I think this book is a must read for any teen girl. I know as a teenager I was so naive to what guys were after. Even when I was on to them in college I still fell prey to guys and their ways--to be cliche, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. So while I think the author Hayley DiMarco is courageous in speaking out and challenging girls to a life of "purity" before they are married and showing them where God stands on the issue; I think she falls slighty short in giving them the tools to do it. She makes it seem that guys do not want anything from us but sex--that sex with us is their only reason for wanting to be around us. Now I know I did not always chose wisely but I do know that there were guys who would have wanted to be with me and around me even if they knew I wasn't offering anything physical. There are some good guys out there and there are things about us girls, besides the physical, that guys want and need. Hang in there girls...the good ones are out there but Hayley's right in that losing your self to them isn't the way to find it.

[Jeanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read this as a potential gift for a teenager. I have mixed feelings about the book. In some places it seemed to almost go into too much detail and then in others it seems to be a little too surface level. I am not sure if it would really click with many of the teenagers who read it.

I agree with several other reviewers that it definitely should be read with a strong Christian adult. I don't think it is fair to say that all guys are just perverts and the only thing they want is sex. Also, she encourages girls to confess everything they have done to a youth pastor, which I am not sure is the best advice either.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wanted to give this book 3.5 stars, but that wasn't an option. This book was a super fast read. I read the whole thing in less than an hour and a half. Although it was primarily written for high school girls, I was surprised to find that a lot of it was relevant to me. It was nice to see a Christian author tackle these topics (sex, virginity, and "technical virginity") so openly and honestly. It was just what I needed given recent events. I would recommend this to anyone who wants to know more about how to maintain her purity until marriage.

[Joyce · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think every girl should read this. she really makes things clear in this book. how far is too far? what should you do if you think you've gone to far? how do you stop from going too far in the future? how do you stay true to yourself? and for the christian girl: how do you stay true to god? Hayley Dimarco answers it all. she also writes about not condemning ourselves for what's happened but to learn from it and to heal.

[Speater · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book for teen and preteen girls. It's straight forward, she doesn't hold anything back and doesn't beat around the bush. The most startling idea that the author brought out (that's so obvious once it's stated) had to do with "female porn." It's a must read...parents of these young girls may even want to read it.

[Abby · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this book up to use as a tool for a Bible study I did with middle school girls. They ate it up. I recommend this for youth leaders, because it is hard to find a book that engages kids while still sending the right message. The book is directed towards middle school and high school ages though- not college.

[Aubrielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book that every teenage girl should read. God has obvious commands for purity but the not so obvious ones seem to be overlooked in today's society. This book brings those back up to the front and discusses purity on a whole new level.

[Idalia · Rating 5 out of 5]

For some strange reason, one day I went to a christian book store and just happen to pick up this book. After reading the first chapter it had be hooked. So, bought it. (not that I needed it's not for me)

Very educational, I feel that all girls should read this to find the truth behind sex.

[Becky]

A good (and sometimes shocking) read to get me up to date with what "the kids" are talking about in relation to sexuality and being God's girl. Worth the afternoon it took to read in order to prepare for a summer that includes ministry to teens.

[Dima210 · Rating 1 out of 5]

There are authors who shouldn't have been authors.
Hayley DiMarco is one of them.

I will be doing a full in depth review of this.

[Ifeoma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amen

[ingeburge · Rating 1 out of 5]

reading this book felt like being brainwashed so i definitely don't recommend the experience