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Most Intimate: A Zen Approach to Life's Challenges
The joy of intimacy—with yourself, with others, and with the whole universe. The long-awaited first book from a prominent modern American Zen teacher.
For Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara, intimacy is what Zen practice is all the realization of the essential lack of distinction between self and other that inevitably leads to wisdom and compassionate action. She approaches the practice of intimacy beginning at its most basic level—the intimacy with ourselves that is the essential first step.
She then shows how to bring intimacy into our relationships with others, starting with those dearest to us and moving on to those who don’t seem dear at all. She shows how to grow in intimacy so that we include everyone around us, all of society, the whole world and all the beings it contains. Each chapter is accompanied by practices she uses with her students at the Village Zendo for manifesting intimacy in our lives.
For Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara, intimacy is what Zen practice is all the realization of the essential lack of distinction between self and other that inevitably leads to wisdom and compassionate action. She approaches the practice of intimacy beginning at its most basic level—the intimacy with ourselves that is the essential first step.
She then shows how to bring intimacy into our relationships with others, starting with those dearest to us and moving on to those who don’t seem dear at all. She shows how to grow in intimacy so that we include everyone around us, all of society, the whole world and all the beings it contains. Each chapter is accompanied by practices she uses with her students at the Village Zendo for manifesting intimacy in our lives.
160 pages, Paperback
First published March 11, 2014
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
March 2, 2014
There’s a strange trend going on in these parts in that I’m reading quite a few more Zen books than usual. It’s a good trend and a good strange. Some of my spiritual friends have offered up some disdain for the practice of ‘reading outside of one’s tradition’ but I honestly find these last few books (I’m looking at you, you wonderful Tibetan/Zen book) I’ve read to be spot on with regards to defining ‘the human condition’ and how to work skillfully within it. While the title cites ‘A Zen Approach’ – it could also be read as ‘a realistic and pragmatic approach’ to life’s challenges. In my humble opinion, wisdom is wisdom regardless of the colour robes it wears.
This is the first book I have read by Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara and I am now a converted fan. She speaks to me in that no-bullshit way that Pema Chödrön‘s writing does. To the point. Visceral. Cut out the crying. The poor me. Build resilience and acceptance. There is no way to escape it.This book delivers all of this medicine and more. Given that the central theme is facing life’s challenges, Roshi doesn’t shy away from anything within this book. From sex to anger, work, death and joy – nothing is sugar-coated and nothing is discarded.
Of course there’s shit; shit is a part of life. It is what is left over from our actions, smelling of all of the aspects of life. If there weren’t shit, we wouldn’t appreciate the jewel….. true joy is not possible in a world without suffering. The suffering (the shit) enriches us, gives us wisdom and compassion. The jewel is this joy of life itself.
"When we are willing to be intimate with what actually is here now, to look directly at all of our experience we might recognized that this is our life, however different from our thoughts and ideas about it. It is as if we hunker down and actually get very real, recognizing that our thoughts of gaining and losing, good and bad, happy and sad, are what distance us from ourselves."
The book begins with the story of how she came to discover Zen practice and what it has cultivated within her in working with both obstacles and joys within her life. The format of the book is that each chapter is followed by a series of exercises that can be done either alone or in a group and then a series of Q&A’s from events she has participated in.
One of my favourite (and in my opinion) the most valuable chapters of the book is the one on the topic of sex. Often I find that those Buddhist writers and teachers who do decide to wade into the murky depths of this topic, do so with the best intentions, but only confuse or obfuscate matters related to sexuality such as what exactly is ‘the misuse of sex’.
"When sex is an automatic reaction, we become like puppets on sticks rather than two beings meeting each other with honesty. Compassion grows out of that honesty, and out of compassion comes wisdom. Whatever happens- rejection, blunders, interruptions, loss, all of life’s surprises- we’ll find that we are strong enough to face it."
Another chapter which was impressive was titled ‘Living in the Suffering World’. Yup. It gets overwhelming and Roshi O’Hara has provided such wisdom for the burned out and tired Bodhisattvas (and Bodhisattvas-to-be). Her suggestions and perspective within this specific chapter is required reading for all who begin to feel the pain of how hard it can be to be both living with our own suffering as well as within a world of countless suffering beings.
Interconnectedness, selflessness, the present moment, acceptance. It’s all in her and each chapter references how we can work with both the joys and difficulties of our lives. Work. Sex. Death. Health. Anger. It’s all in here. It’s all in the book. It’s all a part of our lives.
"Nothing is left out. A Zen approach recognizes all the aspects of life."
Roshi O’Hara takes it all on and offers suggestions for how to make things more workable. With her vivid descriptions of emotions and emotional states, she offers up a reassurance that we are indeed normal in our perceived neuroses and it’s not that we can become overcome with these situations, it’s that we can move beyond them. None of us are immune. Human psychology and behaviour is central in this book.
Overall, I highly recommend ‘Most Intimate: A Zen Approach to Life’s Challenges’ by Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara and put it up beside those books that I will turn to when I need a dose of real-world wisdom and kick in the pants inspiration.
This is the first book I have read by Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara and I am now a converted fan. She speaks to me in that no-bullshit way that Pema Chödrön‘s writing does. To the point. Visceral. Cut out the crying. The poor me. Build resilience and acceptance. There is no way to escape it.This book delivers all of this medicine and more. Given that the central theme is facing life’s challenges, Roshi doesn’t shy away from anything within this book. From sex to anger, work, death and joy – nothing is sugar-coated and nothing is discarded.
Of course there’s shit; shit is a part of life. It is what is left over from our actions, smelling of all of the aspects of life. If there weren’t shit, we wouldn’t appreciate the jewel….. true joy is not possible in a world without suffering. The suffering (the shit) enriches us, gives us wisdom and compassion. The jewel is this joy of life itself.
"When we are willing to be intimate with what actually is here now, to look directly at all of our experience we might recognized that this is our life, however different from our thoughts and ideas about it. It is as if we hunker down and actually get very real, recognizing that our thoughts of gaining and losing, good and bad, happy and sad, are what distance us from ourselves."
The book begins with the story of how she came to discover Zen practice and what it has cultivated within her in working with both obstacles and joys within her life. The format of the book is that each chapter is followed by a series of exercises that can be done either alone or in a group and then a series of Q&A’s from events she has participated in.
One of my favourite (and in my opinion) the most valuable chapters of the book is the one on the topic of sex. Often I find that those Buddhist writers and teachers who do decide to wade into the murky depths of this topic, do so with the best intentions, but only confuse or obfuscate matters related to sexuality such as what exactly is ‘the misuse of sex’.
"When sex is an automatic reaction, we become like puppets on sticks rather than two beings meeting each other with honesty. Compassion grows out of that honesty, and out of compassion comes wisdom. Whatever happens- rejection, blunders, interruptions, loss, all of life’s surprises- we’ll find that we are strong enough to face it."
Another chapter which was impressive was titled ‘Living in the Suffering World’. Yup. It gets overwhelming and Roshi O’Hara has provided such wisdom for the burned out and tired Bodhisattvas (and Bodhisattvas-to-be). Her suggestions and perspective within this specific chapter is required reading for all who begin to feel the pain of how hard it can be to be both living with our own suffering as well as within a world of countless suffering beings.
Interconnectedness, selflessness, the present moment, acceptance. It’s all in her and each chapter references how we can work with both the joys and difficulties of our lives. Work. Sex. Death. Health. Anger. It’s all in here. It’s all in the book. It’s all a part of our lives.
"Nothing is left out. A Zen approach recognizes all the aspects of life."
Roshi O’Hara takes it all on and offers suggestions for how to make things more workable. With her vivid descriptions of emotions and emotional states, she offers up a reassurance that we are indeed normal in our perceived neuroses and it’s not that we can become overcome with these situations, it’s that we can move beyond them. None of us are immune. Human psychology and behaviour is central in this book.
Overall, I highly recommend ‘Most Intimate: A Zen Approach to Life’s Challenges’ by Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara and put it up beside those books that I will turn to when I need a dose of real-world wisdom and kick in the pants inspiration.
November 30, 2020
More psychology than religion, there are a few nice ideas in here but nothing game-changing.
October 27, 2020
I had some struggles with this early on as someone with a healthy (I think!) skepticism about things both pie-in-the-sky religious and pop-self-helpy; but after deciding to let go the need for it to appeal in every way and just give it a go and take what was valuable and let the rest be, I wound up finding a lot of value in it. I listened to it on audiobook (mostly while walking, which made for a nice combination) and imagine I’ll be back for another listen. Don’t know how to slip into a review smoothly (so won’t try) that the author has also suffered a rupturing, disabling illness, which as someone with the same experience (if not the same disease then a very similar one), made it easier for me to accept she could have something to offer me than perhaps authors with easier or more common paths. A good find.
January 25, 2023
Proverbial cool drink of water on a hot summer's day -- or, mind you, tea for the sniffles. I kept asking myself -- can this really be someone other than me who is writing this book. Big reverberations.
July 31, 2014
I enjoyed the writing, the practices, the q&a. I appreciated the way the subjects were simple, yet deeply personal and useful for me. I will read this again.
September 3, 2015
The dharma is amply present in every person, but without practice, it is not manifested; without realization, it is not attained. -Dogen
December 8, 2020
Pithy, clear, and relevant.
March 24, 2021
Loved this book! With chapters on relationships, suffering, anger, sex, healing, work, loss and dying, there are so many good nuggets to take away. "Not knowing is the most intimate."
March 13, 2022
Excellent read recommended to anyone seriously interested in Zen, especially from a Western point of view!
January 7, 2021
"It seems to me that true wisdom is being able to see through the clouds of fear and clinging, to look directly at the brevity of life, to be grateful for life, and to find a way to recognize the value of it. Enjoyment of life and service to it naturally flow from this recognition"
"No matter how small of large our effort may be, the activity of giving and receiving in relationship generates a field of joy when it is not encumbered by our grasping for ego gratification"
"No matter how small of large our effort may be, the activity of giving and receiving in relationship generates a field of joy when it is not encumbered by our grasping for ego gratification"
Read
January 12, 2025Feels more like a workbook for when you are having specific difficulties in your life than something to read cover to cover, but I feel really lucky to have spent the time with Enkyo Roshi that I have, and her personality really shines through the writing here.
March 25, 2014
Terrific teachings on the practice and intention of Zen.
Pat Enkyo O'Hara
Most Intimate: A Zen Approach to Life's Challenges
Full review at 108 Zen Books
Pat Enkyo O'Hara
Most Intimate: A Zen Approach to Life's Challenges
Full review at 108 Zen Books
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews