It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

by Sara Eckel

If you're single but searching, there's no end of explanations, excuses, and criticism you'll hear to explain why you're single. Even the most self-possessed singleton may come to doubt herself. ?

"You're too picky. Just find a good-enough guy and you'll be fine."
"You're too desperate. If men think you need them, they'll run scared."
"You're too independent. Smart, ambitious women always have a harder time finding mates."
"You have low self-esteem. You can't love someone else until you've learned to love yourself."
"You're too needy. You can't be happy in a relationship until you've learned to be happy on your own."

It's Not You is structured around the many messages that singles, especially single women, get about who they are and who they're supposed to be. Supported by the latest psychological and sociological research, as well as interviews with single women, Eckel creates a strong argument for why you should love yourself as you are--no change necessary. By debunking the myths that have kept single women doubting themselves, Eckel encourages singles to stop picking apart their personalities and to start tapping into their own wisdom about who and what is right for them, as they begin to understand and accept there's no one reason they're single--they just are.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Psychology, Memoir, Love, Adult

184 pages, Paperback

First published January 7, 2014

About the author

Sara Eckel is the author of It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single (TarcherPerigee). Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Boston Globe Magazine, The Daily Beast, The Shambhala Sun, Martha Stewart Living, Self, Working Mother and other publications. She lives in Kingston, NY, with her husband.

Reviews

[Crystal Velasquez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good grief, it's like this woman took all the thoughts I've ever had about being single--and all the comments friends and family have ever said to me about my being single--and put them in writing. Only, she added in a lot of actually sort of helpful Buddhist ways of looking at it--all of which were much kinder and more hopeful and productive than anything I've read before, without all the usual "Don't worry, you'll find someone" stuff that you'd get from your friends. Not that I make a habit of reading self-help books about singledom, but anything I have picked up was usually very "Here's what you're doing wrong" or "I'm single by choice, and I love it!" Since I didn't feel I was in either camp, I couldn't quite relate. And don't even get me started on pieces written by twenty-somethings complaining about "still" being single. Urgh. It was kind of nice to read something from someone in my age group who didn't love being single but who also didn't find it to be the tragedy that we're often told to believe it is. The fact that the author is now married (Oh no, she's one of THEM!) didn't take anything away from her message, which was heavy on Buddhist teachings about mindfulness and meditation that would be useful for anyone, married or single, combined with some fairly surprising stats and research. I would definitely share this one with other single folks, but I'd be more interested in sharing it with married friends and family since it nicely sums up how I feel every time someone asks me why I'm not married yet.

[Whitney Atkinson]

DNF at page 106

I think this might be something I hold onto, but it's not right for me now. I bought this as someone who's single, but I've never dated before, and subsequently, I've never had difficulty with relationships. This book is marketed and geared toward people who have been in relationships that always fail and they want to be reassured that it's not their fault.

Since I've never dated, I felt like the message didn't apply to me, so I never got into it, and it wasn't funny or fast-paced enough for me to read it anyway even though I couldn't gain anything from it.

There were some quotes I liked from it though, and I'm tempted to keep it just because it is feminist and has some great lines in it that I could revisit if I need to in the future.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mmmmm. Some mixed feelings about this one. For one thing, I DID feel a little betrayed that the author is married. No, she is not one of us. And I've never been one who takes comfort from other people who have defeated the same challenges I face. We might both be/have been single, but I have other reasons for being that way.

The other thing is . . . It didn't entirely fit the single person I am. Nobody asks me why I'm single. I think some of that is just regional. The Pacific Northwest is pretty "live and let live" or at least "live and silently judge." And I'm not out there, I've never really been out there, so, yeah, a guy is going to have to drop in my lap and even then, I'd probably be too scared to do anything about it.

But . . .

I did really like the descriptions of single life. How it's hard because you have to do everything yourself. A lot of times at work, I just find myself really wishing I had someone I could call and ask to run to the store for me. And heavy groceries like kitty litter often sit in my car for WEEKS. (I think I have some laundry detergent in my trunk now, if anyone wants to go grab that?)

But then there are the positive sides of being single. I spent the last two weeks in Disney World and New York City. It was nice to be able to do that without consulting anyone. I get to make all my decisions myself.

Oh, and I know I also said I resented that the author was married, but I did appreciate her talking about how, actually, it wasn't that hard to transition to life as a couple! I've certainly felt that feeling she talks about, that I am just doomed because I missed out on learning how to be a couple when I was in high school or college or whenever.

(And I don't know if I want to get married. I certainly used to and I don't know if I've given up or simply changed my mind.)

[Tori · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this book made me feel better.

Most of the time I would say I am happy being single. I'm not going out of my way to meet a life partner, so even the times I do feel sad about it, I tell myself, well, these are the choices you've made.

This book isn't really a how-to or even self help. It's more a series of essays about the challenges of being single--emotionally, financially, familially--and how to navigate the minefield that is modern society as an unattached woman. For that reason, a lot of the ideas presented weren't new to me, but they weren't things I'd ever had laid out so succinctly, or ever spent a lot of time contemplating. Reading it made me feel better about my own choices.

One thing that really stuck out for me was the idea of "self-compassion." We can't always have good self-esteem, Eckel tells us, but we can always strive for self compassion. To treat ourselves with kindness and care. And again, it's not a new idea--you wouldn't talk about your friends the way we often talk about ourselves--but seeing it spelled out like that really struck a cord with me.

I wouldn't go so far to say that reading this book changed my life, but it did help me to come to terms with the idea that I do have love in my life, all different kinds of love, and that the life I'm living right now, is indeed my real life. It's happening and I'm living it. I may never fully move on from the want or desire to find a partner, but that's okay, just as it will be okay if I never do find them.

[Madeline · Rating 5 out of 5]

i’m not going to qualify this w something self deprecating or call this book cringe.. I mean, yeah, maybe a little, fine. but this book made me feel seen. it’s not going to be useful for everyone and it’s not a call to action or instructions, so much as really kind words, some with references to Buddhist philosophy and some backed by studies, but mostly just kind words. also for the record, I got the most out of it by mentally just ctrl+f-replacing every mention of marriage to ‘loving committed long-term partnership,’ lol.

I’m not in my 30s and dying alone quite yet but honestly a lot of the time it feels like it and this book was a balm <3

[Sonya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yep, read it. Only discovered Sara Eckel's Modern Love column recently, so I was interested in what she had to say over the span of 200+ pages, which, basically, is what I wish people could say on a regular basis: friends, family, the magazines I don't even read but I know are out there and spew dating advice BS. People will say that we don't need books like this to know that what Eckel says is true, but we do need more voices saying that being single is not some sort of deficiency. Eckel's voice is realistic but comforting. She's definitely someone who "gets it."

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fair warning for my friends who care: there is some limited swearing in this book. But let's be honest, involuntary singlehood after a certain age deserves at least some profanity.

I read, loved, and shared with a number of friends Sara Eckel's NYTimes 2011 essay that formed a starting point for this book. The last line of that essay especially resonated with me "What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point." Here she continues the conversation, setting up and knocking down some of the many reasons people tend to offer in their attempts to answer the unanswerable question of why (fill in the blank with the name of the nearest perfectly attractive, intelligent and socially acceptable woman) is still single. The insidious thing about this list of reasons (27 of them and yet they all manage to hit home!) is that so many of us find ourselves bouncing back and forth between beating ourselves over the head with them and going on the defensive against them. Or rather, I find myself doing that. I probably shouldn't try to speak for my single friends.

Eckel does a nice job of debunking the presumptions, using logic, scientific studies and entertaining anecdotes. And if some of the logic and studies are strained a bit in their relevance, I think the overall point still hits home. The trite explanations for a woman's single status are usually wrong, and almost always unhelpful.

The one fly in the ointment is the last section where she gets into a bit of hindsight rambling, talking about the good things she failed to acknowledge in her single life and including this passage:

Happiness was there the whole time. The problem was, I was so specific about the type of happiness I wanted that I far too often ruined a good thing. I wanted the sort of happiness that made me feel normal. I wanted romantic love, yes, but I also wanted the security and social status that surrounds it.

With this, Eckel dips her toes, or maybe even both feet, into smug married territory. I have had the conversation many times, including with two different friends in just the last 24 hours. My friends and I (squarely in this book's demographic) know we have great lives. We are happy and grateful for them. We have a tendency to feel guilty for wanting more when we are already so blessed. That guilt puts us right back into the territory of beating ourselves up over the 27 (wrong) reasons we're single. The desire for romantic love is real and human of us. The guilt is damaging. Ending the book this way felt pat and a bit patronizing, trying too hard to wrap it all up in a happy bow: see you're actually happy, no need to fuss about being alone!

I can imagine myself rereading this book when I find myself off balance in my thinking about my single status again. I'll just skip that last chapter.

A few passages I liked:

"Humans beings are not houses - you don't walk in and say, "Well, so long as we gut the kitchen and add a third bathroom, this could work," or, "It has no charm, but it's close to work and it's all I can afford." No. You love them as they are."

"The Buddhists say, "Of the two witnesses, hold the principle one." Meaning: You're the only one who knows your experience. As imperfect as our analyses may be - as clouded as they are by judgments, worries, and fantasies - they're still the best we have."

"Why are you single? Maybe there are many reasons, maybe there are no reasons. The real question is, why are near strangers so often compelled to demand answers?"

"I think the very act of being single provides enough hard-core strength training to put anyone's psyche into fighting shape."

[Cynthia Morris · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book I have ever read about being single/dating.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know. Five stars is a lot for a self help book about dating but this book bests all the books in the genre. I don't know about you but most of the dating advice I've received was bad. It generally goes along the lines of something is wrong with you or you're doing something wrong, and you end up feeling shitty. Well, there is nothing wrong with you, and this dating business is all just a matter of chance. This is one of the few dating books that isn't sexist, doesn't seem dated (pun intended) and you feel better after you read it because you know you're not crazy or the only one going through what you're going through. Instead of listening to the lame dating advice from your friends, family, or the terrible advice of anything out of the Mars and Venus series, Men Love Bitches, or He's Just Not That Into You, maybe read this book to get a logical perspective.

[Julie Ehlers · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am not normally one for dating books, and I thankfully have friends and family members who actually like and respect me and would never dream of telling me what I'm "doing wrong" (actually, I had one "friend" who did that, and for that reason and a number of others, he's no longer a friend). But I became intrigued by this book after Meghan Daum recommended it in her feature here on Goodreads. I decided to pick it up, and I'm glad I did. I think many people, single or no, would benefit from reading this. Eckel calmly, efficiently, and humorously lays waste to about 100 stupid myths and about 1000 stupid magazine articles. A welcome dose of sanity.

[Sharon McCarthy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book for single women who are sick of answering that question: why are you not married. And maybe it's also for all their married friends. It is so American of us to think we are one book away from greatness, so female of us to fall prey to all those self-help books that promise to fix us so that we may be worthy of a relationship. And that's what's so wryly radical about the premise of this book: what if we were enough? Just as we are. I loved this book.

[Mnrupe · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a very comforting and reassuring read. I didn't find it as poignant as the original Modern Love essay it was based on (or many other Modern Love columns in general). I also feel it was way longer than it needed to be. But I did enjoy it as a nice mix of memoir, reflection and a little bit of solid advice.

[Rikka · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book. Especially people in relationships so they stop giving shitty dating advice to single people.

[Alex Yard · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was, actually, respectably on-point. I heard about it through the "Love Hurts" series of episodes on the "Strangers" podcast, and since that episode series was really insightful, I figured it would be worthwhile to examine more of that in this book. This book might be a bit more pop-psych/relationship advice column-ish, but it definitely doesn't descend into the cliches of supermarket checkout magazines a la "15 Moves In Bed That Will Totally Wow Him."

The premise of the book is taking all the common reasons people attribute to a person being single over a great span of time: you're too picky, you're too available, you're too intimidating, you're too negative, you should have married that guy, etc. There are 27 chapters (each of which take a handful of minutes to read, so it lends itself well to one or two installments at a time, before bed, on the porcelain throne, etc.). Each chapter challenges the validity of these kinds of assessments.

So I came into the book skeptical because I thought the author would just pat the reader on the back and tell them they're doing nothing wrong because "It's Not You," as the title of the book is. Which I didn't think would be a wise approach because it would enable people who are doing a crummy job at seeking what they seek, making them complacent with their approach and think, "oh, everyone else is wrong when they criticize me, so I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing." However, to the book's credit, it DOES illustrate how each of these criticisms can hold true if your behavior goes too far. For example in the chapter You're Too Picky it validates the practice of holding out and not settling for someone mediocre and seemingly "good enough," but also advises you against ditching someone for something fairly trivial such as, they like the wrong sports team of flavor of latte or whatever.

So, while I wouldn't categorize this as a bible of singlehood, I will say that it successfully and articulately challenges a lot of common ideas that people tend to assume are true without a second thought, ideas that are counterproductive and the dismissal of which would be beneficial. In that way you can sort of think of it as a self-help therapy session or whatever.

I will say that it seemed odd to me that the introduction of the book gives the caveat that "this book has advice/thoughts that can apply to anyone, but it's especially geared toward women." I think that was a boneheaded limitation for the author to put on herself because I read through it and never thought to myself, "Well this chapter was a waste of time because it had stuff that really only pertains to women". What if I had picked up the book in the bookstore, read the introduction and then put it back thinking it was a chick book? It was all reasonably universal. I wonder if the author and the editor went back and forth on how to present this.

Finally, I perused the existing reviews of this book and I am flabbergasted that some people mention that they felt betrayed that the author was in fact married at the time of writing the book. Listen up you boneheads. This is not a book geared toward people who have deliberately chosen the single life, but rather for those who are aiming for lifelong partnership and are stumbling along the way and not getting anywhere. Now, the author got married at FORTY TWO and thus had two decades of floundering singlehood and the fact that she eventually did get married validates a lot of what she discusses, for example about reasonably holding out for the right person and not getting too-too discouraged or giving up because you're still single into your late thirties. This book would be totally weird if she hadn't ended up getting married, because it would have been a whole book of "You're not doing anything wrong, so just keep it up and eventually you'll find success although I myself haven't but trust me girl you gonna do it." Listen to how dumb that would have sounded.

[Tăng Yến · Rating 2 out of 5]

Cuốn sách này có duyên tìm đến mình vì mình được tặng kèm.

Đọc phần giới thiệu tác giả là cây viết cho nhiều tờ báo nổi tiếng, mình đã kỳ vọng nhiều hơn vào tính logic và khoa học của cuốn sách này. Thế nhưng mình có đôi chút thất vọng vì nữ tác giả dùng văn kể để lý giải lý lẽ nhiều hơn, cách sắp xếp cũng chưa thật sự gãy gọn, rõ ý. Nhiều lúc mình đọc đến giữa chương mà vẫn không rõ ý chương đó tác giả muốn truyền tải điều gì, nội dung chính vài chương còn lặp một phần nội dung, nhắc lại ý đã nói trước đó. Bây giờ nếu chỉ nhìn tên chương mình sẽ không nhớ và cũng không thể đoán được nội dung chính của chương đó.

Một vài ý hay từ sách:
- Đừng chối bỏ cảm xúc của bản thân: hãy có lòng trắc ẩn với chính bản thân mình. It’s okay if you’re sad when the boy you like doesn’t text you back. Don’t blame on yourself.
- Bạn chưa gặp được người phù hợp chỉ bởi vì chưa gặp được họ mà thôi, đây là một trò may rủi.
- Nhu cầu có ai đó cùng chia sẻ cuộc sống đã nằm sẵn trong gen và nó chẳng liên quan gì tới việc chúng ta yêu cảm thân hay cảm thấy viên mãn đến đâu khi độc thân.
- Thiền định không phải là rũ bỏ mọi ý nghĩ, mà là nhận biết những ý nghĩ, lùi lại một bước và phân tích tâm trí mình (meta-thinking)
- Nếu đôi khi bạn cảm thấy buồn bã, đó không phải vì bạn đang độc thân - mà vì bạn đang sống.

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent, intelligent, often funny book. Like Bridget Jones in non-fiction form, the author points out how contradictory all the conventional things people and books say are ("you're too independent" / "you're too needy") and ultimately how pointless they all are anyway. Most self-help books will start out by telling you that all the other self-help books are wrong, but then go on to tell you why you should believe or do this other thing instead. This book tells you all the other books are wrong and the other things are also wrong. No facile answers to a question she shows, over and over, is stupid in the first place.

[Diba Ilupi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pas pertama baca judul buku ini, yang terlintas "ah ini pasti buku tentang dating guide yang ngebahas 27 kesalahan mengapa seseorang *single* dan BAGAIMANA cara mengatasi problema tersebut khas buku dating guide lainnya"

TAPI ternyata tidak, buku ini berisi 27 poin kausal yang terlintas di pikiran mayoritas orang kalau disuguhi kata *single* dan masyarakat yang masih bependirian teguh dengan 27 poin tsb atau bahkan lebih. "Menjadi single berarti ada yang tidak beres dengan individu tsb. "

Sara Eckel di buku ini mengutip research dan dialog dengan beberapa sumber yang intinya menjabarkan kalau single bukan melulu tentang "ada yang salah denganmu" melainkan memang individu tersebut belum menemukan counterpart yang cocok dengannya.

mereka mengira :
ah kamu terlalu pemilih ;
terlalu desperate ;
terlalu independent/ ;
terlalu low self esteem ;
dst.

Toh bila dua orang individu sudah cocok, 27+ alasan tsb tidak lagi relevan dan mereka pasti saling memaklumi satu sama lain.

Gak rugi kok bacanya karena Sara menghadirkan beberapa +/- menjadi seorang single secara berimbang dan informatif.

Contohnya research yang dilakukan Dana Rotz, Ekonom di Mathematica Policy Research, menemukan jika : Setiap satu tahun seorang wanita menunda pernikahannya, dia menurunkan resiko sebuah perceraian. Seorang wanita yang menikah di akhir usia 20 an (27-29 th) 15% lebih minim perceraian daripada counterpart yang menikah di usia pertengahan usia 20. Dan jika dia menunda pernikahan di umur 30 awal, resiko nya berkurang lagi 15%.

[Dr. Tobias Christian Fischer · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the books describing how women are in dating situations. Interesting, amusement to read the examples and fun to get to know women better.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book makes me supremely happy. Sara Eckel's It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single is both an uplifting and amusing breaking apart of the reasons a woman past her mid-twenties might still be single. She approaches a very sensitive topic with grace and honesty listing twenty-seven different reasons that she was over the years and tearing them down.

I appreciated the fact that this book isn't just Eckel's opinions written down either. The book is full stories of other women and snippets from other books dealing with the topic of being older and still single. What I found most profound was the many discussions of the way Eckel's personally changed her thinking about being single and life in general. The Buddhist practices and proverbs she shared were very intriguing and though I have no intention of taking up Buddhism I am very interested to train myself in some of those practices- lovingkindness and self-compassion as specific examples.

The last thing that I greatly appreciated about Eckel's book is that she explains and helps the reader see just how beneficial a single person is: to her friends, to her family, to the world. In the end the best lesson gleaned is that the time and energy a single woman is able to devote to the people and causes that are important to her is significant and should be celebrated, not shamed. Or and of course: Enjoy life! Don't settle or live waiting for the future.

[Carolyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of this book felt like it came out of my own experience. Yes, I am 47 3/4 (my 48th is only 5 weeks away) and single…

My most favorited and relisted list (on BJ Novak's list app) is a list of "Worst Parts of Being Single" with the penultimate item being:

"Asked 'WHY are you single?' [over and over and over again]."

This book is basically an exploration of the things people say to you as a perennially single person…and the ways they are absolutely wrong in those things even when well-intentioned.

Coincidentally Jessa Crispin (formerly of Bookslut) published an article in the Times today that hit on this topic as well: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/10/opi...

I love it when coincidences / resonances like this happen in my reading life.

Why four stars instead of five? To hilariously steal from my friend Sean's review of the Ta-Nehisi Coates' book, "The only reason it didn't get five stars is because I didn't feel it offered "a transcendent vision for a way forward." " Maybe it's because I've been reading so much Brene Brown lately but I felt like everything that's suggested as a way to not be despondent about your singleness in this book is stuff I'm already doing.

[Alyssa Foll · Rating 5 out of 5]

I very much appreciated this light-hearted, yet thoughtful book on singleness and all the "reasons" that you will hear for your singleness. It's written from a secular perspective and there is some profanity, but I would still recommend this to Christian singles because so many of the "reasons" get spiritualized and used in church contexts, too.

[Barbara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ενδιαφέρον βιβλίο με ενδιαφέρουσες συμβουλές

Εισαγωγή:Όταν δεν αφήνεις πλέον τις εξωτερικές φωνές να σε φρικάρουν σιγά σιγά αρχίζεις να βρίσκεις μέσα σου τη δική σου γνώση για το ποιος είσαι και τι είναι σωστό για σένα.

Κεφάλαιο 1(Έχεις θέματα): Κι αν το μοναδικό σου "θέμα" είναι η πεποίθηση ότι έχεις θέματα κι ότι σε εμποδίζουν να κάνεις σχέση;Κι αν σταματούσες να ορίζεις τον εαυτό σου ως κάποια που φοβάται την οικειότητα ή κάποια που την ελκύουν οι λάθος άντρες; Κι αν,αντ'αυτού,έβλεπες τον εαυτό σου ως άνθρωπο με ελαττώματα μεν,αξιαγάπητο δε;Κι αν ο μοναδικός λόγος που είσαι μόνη είναι ότι απλώς δεν έχεις γνωρίσει ακόμη τον σύντροφό σου;

Κεφάλαιο 2(Έχεις χαμηλή αυτοεκτίμηση):Υπάρχουν άνθρωποι που αντιμετωπίζουν τις ταπεινώσεις της ζωής χωρίς να γίνει μεγάλη ζημιά στην αυταξία τους.Όταν βιώνουν την αποτυχία,την αμηχανία,ή όχι και τόσο λαμπρές κριτικές,δεν κλείνουν τα μάτια τους με τα χέρια μουρμουρίζοντας "βλάκα,βλάκα,βλάκα".Αντ'αυτού,λένε στον εαυτό τους πράγματα όπως:"όλοι κάνουν καμιά πατάτα που και που" ή "αν δούμε την ευρύτερη εικόνα των πραγμάτων,δεν έχει και τόσο μεγάλη σημασία".

Κεφάλαιο 3(Παραείσαι αρνητική)

Κεφάλαιο 4(Παραείσαι απελευθερωμένη): Ο φεμινισμος δεν υποσχέθηκε ποτέ στις γυναίκες ότι η ζωή θα είναι εύκολη-ότι δεν θα υπάρχουν δύσκολες επιλογές και τεράστιοι συμβιβασμοί.Ο φεμινισμός είπε ότι η γυναίκα θα πρέπει να είναι ελεύθερη να παίρνει η ίδια τις αποφάσεις της-και να κάνει τα λάθη της-,γιατί είναι αρκετά έξυπνη ώστε να βρει τον δρόμο της.

Κεφάλαιο 5(Τρομάζεις τους άντρες)

Κεφάλαιο 6(Παραείσαι απελπισμένη):"Είναι κατανοητό ότι πολλές γυναίκες αγχώνονται για το αν θα μπορέσουν να βρουν ένα καλό σύζυγο...Τη σημερινή εποχή,ωστόσο,λίγες γυναίκες θέλουν όντως απλεπισμένα να παντρευτούν.Ιστορικά,απλεπισμένη είναι εκείνη που συμφωνεί να παντρευτεί έναν πολύ μεγαλύτερό της άντρα,τον οποίο θεωρεί αποκρουστικό.Απελπισμένη είναι εκείνη που αναγκάζεται να κάνει τα στραβά μάτια όταν ο άντρας της πηγαίνει σε πόρνες ή έχει ερωμένες,και προσεύχεται να μην κολλήσει κανένα αφροδίσιο.Απελπισμένη είναι εκείνη που γεννοβολάει το ένα παιδί μετά το άλλο επειδή ο άντρας της δεν την αφήνει να χρησιμοποιήσει αντισύλληψη,ή εκείνη που κρύβει τις μελανιές που απέκτησε το προηγούμενο βράδη για να τρέξει στην αγορά και να ψωνίσει για το βραδινό.Οι σημερινές γυναίκες ίσως να αγχώνονται για το αν θα βρουν σύντροφο,αλλά οι περισσότερες δε φαντάζονται καν τι σημαίνει να είσαι τόσο πολύ απελπισμένη".

Κεφάλαιο 7( Πρέπει να είσαι ευτυχισμένη και μόνη σου)

Κεφάλαιο 8(Παραείσαι επιλεκτική)

Κεφάλαιο 9(Παραείσαι διαθέσιμη):Μην αφήσεις κάποιον άλλο να καθορίζει την αξία σου...Η αγάπη έχει ρίσκο.Έχει να κάνει με συναισθήματα που δεν μπορούμε να ελέγξουμε.Μας κάνει να νιώθουμε τρελαμένοι,ασυγκράτητοι,κάτι που είναι καλό,αλλά και τρομακτικό παράλληλα.Οι οδηγοί σχέσεων πουλάνε γιατί μας λένε ότι μπορούμε να ελέγξουμε μία από τις πιο ανεξέλγκτες δυνάμεις της ζωής.

Κεφάλαιο 10(Δεν ξέρεις να κάνεις παιχνίδι):Χαμένο κάπου σ'όλο το αμυντικό παιχνίδι των ραντεβού είναι το γεγονός ότι εκείνο που ψάχνουμε τελικά-και οι δύο πλευρές-είναι η στοργική συντροφική σχέση.

Κεφάλαιο 11(Πρέπει να ωριμάσεις)

Κεφάλαιο 12(Παραείσαι εγωίστρια)

Κεφάλαιο 13(Φωναξέ το στο σύμπαν):Υπάρχει κάτι το πολύ συναρπαστικό και το πολύ ρομαντικό στο να εναποθέτεις την πίστη σου στο σύμπαν.Νιώθεις λιγότερη μοναξιά άμα πιστεύεις ότι το σύμπαν,με κάποιο τρόπο,φροντίζει για το καλό σου...Αλλά αν έχεις ξεθάψει τουε κρυστάλλους κι έχεις αρχίσει να εξερευνάς τα τσάκρα σου,με μοναδικό σκοπό να βρεις την αδελφή ψυχή σου,τότε θα είναι πακέτο αν δεν εμφανιστεί τελικά το συγκεκριμένο πρόσωπο.Τότε δε θα είσαι απλώς μόνη,αλλά και αποσυντονισμένη με το σύμπαν.Κι αυτό είναι κομματάκι βαρύ.

Κεφάλαιο 14(Χρειάζεσαι σχέδιο δράσης!):Ήδη βρίσκεσαι ανάμεσα σε δύο κόσμους- τουλάχιστον στον βαθμό που κάποιες φορές αναζητάς ενεργά σύντροφο και άλλες όχι.

Κεφάλαιο 15(Είσαι λαμπερή.Δεν έχεις ανάγκη να νοικοκυρευτείς)

Κεφάλαιο 16(Είσαι πολύ θλιμμένη):Η λαχτάρα και η επιθυμία δεν είναι απελπισία,και η μοναξιά δεν είναι αποτυχία...Αν κάποιες φορές νιώθεις θλιμμένη,δεν είναι επειδή είσαι σινγκλ-είναι επειδή υπάρχεις.

Κεφάλαιο 17(Είσαι η σταθερά):Είσαι ο μόνος που γνωρίζει τα βιώματα σου.όσο ατελείς καν να είναι οι αναλύσεις μας,όσο θολωμένες και να είναι από επικρίσεις ,ανησυχίες και φαντασιώσεις,ακόμη κι έτσι,είναι ότι καλύτερο διαθέτουμε...Εσύ μόνο γνωρίζεις.Εσύ είσαι η σταθερά.

Κεφάλαιο 18(Συνέχισε την προσπάθεια!):Μάθε κινέζικα,γίνε εθελόντρια,κάνε μόνη σου εκείνο το ταξίδι στο Περού.Αλλά κάν'τα για την εμπειρία αυτή καθαυτή,όχι ως μέσο βελτίωσης του βιογραφικού σου ή για να επιβεβαιώσεις στον εαυτό σου και στους άλλους την αξία σου.Αξίζεις ούτως ή άλλως.Δεν έχεις να αποδείξεις τίποτα σε κανέναν.

Κεφάλαιο 19(Είσαι κολλημένη)

Κεφάλαιο 20(Έπρεπε να είχες παντρευτεί εκείνον τον τύπο):Δεν μπορούμε να ξέρουμε πώς θα είχαν εξελιχθεί τα πράγματα στο εναλλακτικό σύμπαν όπου θα είχαμε πάρει διαφορετικές αποφάσεις.Το μόνο που μπορούμε να κάνουμε είναι να πάρουμε την καλύτερη για μας απόφαση σύμφωνα με τη γνώση και τις πληροφορίες που διαθέτουμε.

Κεφάλαιο 21(Δε θέλεις πραγματικά να κάνεις σχέση)

Κεφάλαιο 22(Χρειάζεσαι εξάσκηση)

Κεφάλαιο 23(Παραείσαι μεγάλη)

Κεφάλαιο 24(Δεν ξέρεις τι σημαίνει αγάπη)

Κεφάλαιο 25(Είσαι για τα μπάζα)

Κεφάλαιο 26(Πρέπει να καταλάβεις το "γιατί")

Κεφάλαιο 27(Θα περάσεις όλη σου τη ζωή στη μοναξιά!)

Στο βιβλίο αυτό,η Sara Eckel εξηγεί και καταρρίπτει μερικούς από τους λόγους η κοινωνία θεωρεί ότι είσαι single,μέχρι να συνειδητοποιήσεις ότι ο λόγος που είσαι μόνη σου δεν είναι εξαιτίας κάποιου κουσουριού σου αλλά επειδή έτσι ήταν οι συνθήκες.Αρκετά ελαφρύ ανάγνωσμα,και ας μην είναι επιστημονικό(σάμπως είναι τα περισσότερα του είδους).

[Jillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this if you’re single. And PLEASE read this if you’re not single.

[Tanja · Rating 5 out of 5]

SECOND REVIEW (2023):
If 2014 Tanja knew that she would be re-reading this book 9 years later, I don't think she'd have been very pleased. And 2023 Tanja is not very pleased. The book is still great 9 years (and one boyfriend and one situationship) later. All hope has since died though. I loved the book this second time except for the very end where she goes on about all the great things she experienced while single - yeah, that's so easy to say when you're married now. I appreciate the time I've been single - I've gotten some great material for my comedy songs. But I am over it. I couldn't be more over it. Yeah, I may have a wonderful life in many ways, but I am painfully lonely. I am sad. And I don't feel like suffering through this for another half a century.

I also think all smug marrieds should read this book (and my favourite "Dear therapist" article from The Atlantic: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/ar...) so they stop making comments on the reason for our singleness which make me hurt even more.

FIRST REVIEW (2014):
After stumbling across an old NY Times Modern Love column by Sara Eckel the other day, I immediately wanted to read this book. I downloaded it to my Kindle last night and read it all in one sitting in the evening. I loved it! Definitely a must read for all us 30+ singletons. In the end, it may actually state a lot of obvious things but with the amount of (often unsolicited) advice the smug marrieds like giving us single people ("Maybe your problem is that you're too....") it was nice to read in print that all those comments are dumb, pointless and almost always completely unwarranted. And it gave me a flicker of hope that perhaps I shouldn't give up hope just yet!

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though geared towards never-married women of a certain age, I found true comfort in Eckel's book. Anyone on their own, alone, or lonely--especially women, who bear the brunt of "what's wrong with you?" comments--could find solace, a bud of self-compassion, acceptance, and love about their life right now, in this moment, without a mate. I wrote down several page numbers and specific, "hit the nail on the head" excerpts to share on my blog. I've a new sense of "c'est la vie" about my single again status and dating.

Eckel isn't a Buddhist but studies it and as a result, it informs her writing here. I believe that's what drew me read it. My meditation practice has taken on more meaning. She writes about the importance of self-acceptance, a topic explored in Tara Brach's books. I enjoyed Daring Greatly (and understand why the matchmaker/friend "couldn't get into it" now ;)) and look forward to reading Radical Acceptance. That's the "more meaning" I've gained from my practice. How much easier it is (not always, of course) to live and enjoy the present, letting the past go and not worrying about the future (as much) turning out like the distorted picture in my mind. For me, learning to let go of others' expectations for me and the guilt when I fail to live a certain way is replaced with growing freedom. If you can understand and embrace impermanence, the "scales" of failure and fault fall away.

Sounds New-Agey, maybe, but I can dig it and I don't burn incense or own any crystals. Highly recommended.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

The point of this book it seemed was to list a bunch of reasons people continually give for why you're single followed by rationalization on why this isn't true. The problem though is that I remember almost nothing from this book and I just finished reading it. A great deal of the time I couldn't even remember what the chapter was about midway through and had to take a gander up at the top of the page to remind myself. It wasn't a horribly boring read, but since it made absolutely no difference in my life (and how could it if I can't remember anything) I had to give it only two stars.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really loved the first half of this book. The second half felt a little repetitive, but overall a great, fast read. This book should almost be required reading for all women, regardless of marital status. It puts into words everything I feel when my married friends say things insinuating how "fun" "carefree" or "easy" my life must be, and at the same time, it respects those married friends and explains that they aren't trying to be condescending.

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could not recommend this book more. It's not a how-to about finding a spouse or improving yourself so that you're "worthy" of love. It's a powerful manifesto about love, self, and recognizing that the "rest of your life" is right now. You are not on hold simply because you haven't found the person you're meant for. I feel empowered, grateful for my life, and hopeful for my future, whether it includes a husband or not. Much love to Sara Eckel!

[Penny Raspenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was refreshing.

It really makes you breathe deeply after reading it. After seeing all these "reasons" put under the spotlight and analyzed with pure sense. And let's admit it. We all hear these voices saying exactly the same things
in our heads, every time we wonder about what the hell is wrong.

I think I will be coming back to this when I hear all those ridiculous reasons thrown to my face again from people with an all-knowing look.

[Dang Minh Ngoc · Rating 3 out of 5]

Vì sao bạn ế by Sara Eckel

Giới thiệu nội dung

Vì Sao Bạn Ế?: Vạch Trần 27 Định Kiến Sai Lầm Gán Lên
Những Phụ Nữ Độc Thân là tác phẩm đưa ra nhiều ý kiến phản biện lại những lời khuyên hẹn hò theo khuôn mẫu không còn phù hợp lối sống hiện đại ngày nay.
Thông qua đó, tác giả trấn an những người đang độc thân ở tuổi 30 và nêu quan điểm rằng, hôn nhân không phải là chìa khóa duy nhất mở ra cánh cửa hạnh phúc.
Tác phẩm cũng là một cẩm nang giúp phụ nữ độc thân thời hiện đại có định hướng đúng đắn trong thế giới hẹn hò hoàn toàn khác so với thời đại trước.

Sara Eckel là cây bút tự do có các bài tiểu luận và phê bình trên một số ấn phẩm, trong đó có Washington Post và Glamour. Vi Sao Bạn Ế?, cuốn sách đầu tiên của
Sara, là tập hợp những bài viết nổi tiếng trong chuyên mục Tình Yêu Hiện Đại do cô làm chủ bút trên tờ New York Times.

Tổng quan

Đã bao nhiêu lần bạn cảm thấy thương thay phận mình, cảm thấy thật khổ sở khi phải cô đơn ngần ấy thời gian? Và rồi bạn đã trải qua bao nhiêu cuộc hẹn hò khủng khiếp, chỉ để có thể tìm kiếm chút dịu dàng? Đối với một phụ nữ ngoài ba mươi, cuộc sống độc thân nặng trĩu những khó khăn. Mỗi ngày đều như một cuộc đấu tranh liên tục chống lại kỳ vọng xã hội, chống lại quan niệm bản thân. Bạn luôn phải chịu áp lực tìm kiếm hạnh phúc trong một thế giới định nghĩa hạnh phúc là tìm thấy bạn đời, kết hôn và sinh con. Tuy nhiên, đó không phải là cách duy nhất.

Vì Sao Bạn Ế?: Vạch Trần 27 Định Kiến Sai Lầm
Gán Lên Những Phụ Nữ Độc Thân hướng dẫn cách trân trọng cuộc sống độc thân. Thông qua đó, bạn sẽ biết cách trở thành người phụ nữ độc thân hạnh phúc cũng như nắm được phương thức thoát khỏi áp lực xã hội, giúp bạn thoải mái hẹn hò.

Nội dung thứ nhất: Không nhất thiết phải thay đối bản thân để tìm được người yêu.

Nếu bạn đang là người "độc thân khốn khổ", có lẽ bạn đã từng nghe qua lời khuyên này từ nhiều chuyên gia hẹn hò: trước khi có thể tìm được một nửa, bạn cần phải sửa những khuyết điểm của mình. Lời khuyên này tuy nghe có vẻ tích cực nhưng trên thực tế lại đang đổ lỗi cho người độc thân, tạo cảm giác họ rất thiếu thốn tình thương và có tính cách khó chịu, cần phải thay đổi. Nhưng điều này không hoàn toàn đúng.

Nhà tâm lý học John Gottman đã nghiên cứu những cặp vợ chồng mới cưới. Sau đó ông khẳng định rằng: không có hình mẫu tính cách lý tưởng cần thiết cho một mối quan hệ thành công. Thử thách thực sự là tìm được ai đó chấp nhận toàn bộ con người bạn, bao gồm cả những vấn đề tâm lý bất ổn. Vì vậy, đừng tự dằn vặt bản thân khi nghĩ rằng bạn cần phải vượt qua sự tự ti để trở thành người bạn đời của ai đó. Giáo sư tâm lý học Kristin Neff nhìn nhận, người tự ti cũng đáng yêu như người tự tin.

Bên cạnh đó, cảm giác cô đơn đi kèm với nỗi xấu hổ và khao khát sửa đổi bản thân là điều hoàn toàn bình thường. Cảm giác này đã có sẵn trong não bộ con người. Bởi lẽ với tổ tiên chúng ta, sống đơn độc là một phương án tự diệt vong khi ta cần có bạn đồng hành để hỗ trợ nhau tránh những con thú săn mồi nguy hiểm. Nhà thần kinh học John Cacioppo cho rằng, sự xấu hổ mà ta cảm thấy khi cô đơn nằm trong hệ thống sinh học con người, có thể xuất hiện ngay cả khi ta đang sống an toàn trong một căn hộ. Do đó, bạn chỉ có thể xoa dịu cảm giác này khi học cách chấp nhận đó là một phần của kiếp nhân sinh.

Mặc dù nhiều nghiên cứu cho thấy người đã kết hôn có xu hướng hạnh phúc hơn người độc thân, nhưng bạn cần phải nhớ rằng không ít các cuộc hôn nhân kết thúc bằng ly hôn và vẫn còn rất nhiều phụ nữ độc thân hạnh phúc.

Điều quan trọng là đừng phớt lờ hoặc kìm nén cảm giác không vui chợt trỗi dậy. Cố gắng tiếp cận nỗi buồn như một Phật tử: nhận thức rằng niềm vui và nỗi buồn là 2 mặt của một cuộc sống trọn vẹn.

Nội dung thứ 2: Thời thế thay đổi, phụ nữ càng thành đạt càng dễ có bạn đời.

Trên thực tế, một người phụ nữ tự tin, có toàn quyền tự chủ trong guồng quay vội vã của công việc chuyên nghiệp có thể khiến đàn ông cảm thấy e dè. Khi ấy, họ cảm thấy rằng người phụ nữ đó có thể không có nhu cầu hoặc thời gian cho một mối quan hệ sâu sắc.
Tự tin là điều tuyệt vời cần có, nhưng nếu bạn mong mình có vẻ dễ gần hơn thì hãy sống chậm lại, cho bản thân thời gian và không gian để trải nghiệm những kết nối cảm xúc mạnh mẽ hơn.

Trước đây, người ta cho rằng phụ nữ không có tham vọng công danh sự nghiệp sẽ làm vợ tốt hơn. Tuy nhiên ngày nay, phụ nữ trí thức thành đạt có cơ hội kết hôn cao hơn. Năm 2006, nhà xã hội học Christine Whelan phát hiện ra rằng, phụ nữ trí thức kiếm được 100.000 đô trở lên mỗi năm sẽ có nhiều khả năng kết hôn hơn so

Nội dung thứ 2: Thời thế thay đổi, phụ nữ càng thành đạt càng dễ có bạn đời.

Trên thực tế, một người phụ nữ tự tin, có toàn quyền tự chủ trong guồng quay vội vã của công việc chuyên nghiệp có thể khiến đàn ông cảm thấy e dè. Khi ấy, họ cảm thấy rằng người phụ nữ đó có thể không có nhu cầu hoặc thời gian cho một mối quan hệ sâu sắc.
Tự tin là điều tuyệt vời cần có, nhưng nếu bạn mong mình có vẻ dễ gần hơn thì hãy sống chậm lại, cho bản thân thời gian và không gian để trải nghiệm những kết nối cảm xúc mạnh mẽ hơn.

Trước đây, người ta cho rằng phụ nữ không có tham vọng công danh sự nghiệp sẽ làm vợ tốt hơn. Tuy nhiên ngày nay, phụ nữ trí thức thành đạt có cơ hội kết hôn cao hơn. Năm 2006, nhà xã hội học Christine Whelan phát hiện ra rằng, phụ nữ trí thức kiếm được 100.000 đô trở lên mỗi năm sẽ có nhiều khả năng kết hôn hơn so với phụ nữ có thu nhập thấp. Bên cạnh đó, theo một nghiên cứu năm 2011 ở Đại học Harvard của nhà kinh tế học Dana Rotz, những phụ nữ đến cuối tuổi ba mươi mới kết hôn sẽ ít có khả năng ly hôn đến 46% so với phụ nữ lập gia đình sớm hơn.

Đây là bằng chứng khá vững chắc cho thấy thời thế đã thay đổi, phụ nữ không còn phải cân đo giữa tình yêu và sự nghiệp. Đừng hoảng sợ nếu bạn vẫn chưa tìm được người phù hợp. Một mối quan hệ bền chặt hơn có thể sắp đến.

Nội dung thứ 3: Hôn nhân không phải mục tiêu cuối cùng, học cách thoát khỏi những định kiến và yêu đời mới quan trọng.

Có một lời khuyên cũng phổ biến nhưng sai lầm là: trước khi bước vào đời sống hôn nhân hạnh phúc, bạn phải từng trải qua các mối quan hệ lâu dài. Tuy nhiên, chưa có bằng chứng nào củng cố cho lập luận này. Ngược lại, có rất nhiều người tìm thấy tình yêu đầu đời ở độ tuổi cuối ba mươi, bốn mươi hoặc năm mươi và sau đó có cuộc hôn nhân hạnh phúc.

Thế nhưng, bất chấp các số liệu thống kê, phụ nữ trên 30 tuổi chưa từng có mối quan hệ lâu dài đều nghĩ rằng họ phải nhanh lên, gặp gỡ nhiều người hơn, được chú ý nhiều hơn, ngay cả khi họ không muốn. Tất nhiên, việc đi ra ngoài và gặp gỡ mọi người là hoạt động lành mạnh, nhưng mục tiêu chính nên là để bản thân được tận hưởna, không phải để dõi mắt tìm người đàn ông hoàn hảo. Nếu cứ liên tục suy nghĩ chuyện tìm kiếm bạn đời, chính bạn đang tạo cơ hội cho sự thất vọng tái diễn. Và đây dĩ nhiên là điều bạn hoàn toàn không nên làm. Lý do thực sự đằng sau mối bận tâm này xuất phát từ niềm tin "hôn nhân là một mục tiêu và khi đạt được, bạn sẽ sống hạnh phúc mãi mãi". Nhưng thực tế, cuộc sống luôn thay đổi và không có gì tồn tại mãi mãi, kể cả tình trạng hôn nhân của chúng ta.

Thật không may, nhiều phụ nữ độc thân bị mắc kẹt trong trạng thái mà nhà tâm lý học Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi gọi là hỗn loạn tâm lý, vốn xảy ra khi trí óc chỉ có thể tập trung vào những điều tiêu cực. Trong giai đoạn tiêu cực này, ta chỉ có thể nhớ những ký ức tồi tệ và quên đi những ký ức tươi đẹp. Hiện tượng này có thể là do bộ não con người tái hoạt thời gian sống trong hang động. Vào lúc ấy, để sinh tồn thì việc ghi nhớ các mối đe dọa quan trọng hơn hẳn chuyện hồi tưởng quá khứ tươi đẹp.

Mọi thứ càng trở nên tồi tệ hơn khi những suy nghĩ tiêu cực này có thể liên kết với những ý kiến tiêu cực từ người khác. Không có gì lạ khi các cặp vợ chồng nhìn người độc thân lớn tuổi như một đứa trẻ không chịu lớn lên. Đôi phu thê có xu hướng cho rằng người chưa kết hôn thà chi tiền đi chơi, du lịch, tiêu pha vào những thứ "phù phiếm" khác, vốn được cho là không có tầm quan trọng bằng việc mua nhà và định cư. Tất nhiên, suy nghĩ này không công bằng.

Theo thống kê, tình trạng độc thân cũng đem lại nhiều điều tích cực. Chẳng hạn, người độc thân sẽ về thăm cha mẹ và giúp đỡ bạn bè thường xuyên hơn.


Bạn thân mến, có nhiều lời khuyên hẹn hò đã lỗi thời khi phụ nữ hiện đại ngày càng độc lập và dần ít tập trung vào hôn nhân, con cái.

Nhiều phụ nữ nhận ra rằng tình trạng độc thân có thể tạo cơ hội cho họ hiểu rõ hơn về bản thân và trải nghiệm các hình thức yêu khác.

Điều này không có nghĩa là sự cô đơn đã biến mất, nhưng khi rời xa những lời khuyên hẹn hò cổ hủ, ta có thể học cách yêu bản thân hơn và không dựa dẫm vào người khác để tìm hạnh phúc cho mình.

Hơn nữa, tình yêu luôn ở xung quanh ta nhưng ta thường không cảm thấy hạnh phúc. Đó là do khi nghĩ về tình yêu, ta thường liên kết với sự lãng mạn. Nhưng tình yêu lãng mạn không phải là hình thức duy nhất của tình yêu hay là cách duy nhất để tìm thấy hạnh phúc. Tình yêu có thể được tìm thấy trong mọi khoảnh khắc cuộc sống hằng ngày.

Một cách hiệu quả để giúp bạn trải nghiệm trọn vẹn tình yêu này là thực hiện "thiền tâm từ", nghĩa là nghĩ đến ai đó thân yêu và cầu chúc họ hạnh phúc bằng cách niệm chú. Một câu chú rất phổ biến là: "Cầu mong người hạnh phúc. Cầu mong người tránh khỏi mọi đau khổ". Hãy lặp lại câu chú này nhiều lần khi nghĩ về người đó. Khi đã hoàn thành việc này, hãy lặp lại câu chú lần nữa khi nghĩ về một người khác, người mà bạn không thân thiết.

Thiền định sẽ giúp bạn mở rộng vòng tròn yêu thương và trân trọng những người có ý nghĩa với mình. Hoạt động này cũng khiến bạn trở thành một người điềm tĩnh và giàu lòng nhân ái hơn.


10.08.2025
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