The Marriage Act: The Risk I Took to Keep My Best Friend in America, and What It Taught Us About Love

by Liza Monroy

After her traditional engagement to her high school sweetheart falls apart, Liza Monroy faced the prospect of another devastating the deportation of her best friend Emir. Desperate to stay in America, Emir tried every legal recourse to obtain a green card knowing that his return to the Middle East—where gay men are often beaten and sometimes killed—was too dangerous. So Liza proposes to Emir in efforts to keep him safe and by her side. After a fast wedding in Las Vegas, the couple faces new adventures and obstacles in both L.A. and New York City as they dodge the INS. Their relationship is compounded further by the fact that Liza’s mother works for the State Department preventing immigration fraud. Through it all, Liza and Emir must contend with professional ambition, adversity, and heartbreak and eventually learn the true lessons of companionship and devotion. This marriage that was not a marriage, in the end, really was.

The Marriage Act is a timely and topical look at the changing face of marriage in America and speaks to the emergent generation forming bonds outside of tradition—and sometimes even outside the law.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, LGBT

304 pages, Paperback

First published January 7, 2014

About the author

Liza Monroy, the daughter of a U.S. Foreign Service officer, spent her high school years attending an international school in Mexico City. Her articles and essays have appeared in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times Magazine, Newsweek, The Village Voice, Time Out New York, Jane, and other publications, and she was recently awarded a residency by the Kerouac Project of Orlando. She lives in New York City.


“Liza Monroy has a magical voice, the kind that makes you want to read the next sentence and then the one after that to see what turn her writing will take next. She is observant, funny, and curiously wise about the culture we live and flounder in.”
—Daphne Merkin, author of Dreaming of Hitler and Enchantment

Reviews

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was fortunate enough to receive this book as part of a Goodreads giveaway. I'm very thankful I did, and here's why!

The story itself is fascinating. I honestly went into the book thinking it was going to be relatively straightforward and linear, but it most certainly was not! I won't give away any details, but there a lot of twists and turns along the road that really make this one a page-turner. I greatly admired the sacrifice Liza made and while sometimes I groaned inwardly at some of her decisions (to her credit, she shamelessly recounts both her good and her bad moments) overall, I think Liza did an excellent job accepting the hand she was dealt. Like she says numerous times, her situation falls into an extremely gray book. This book was not simple, and while a pleasant read it wasn't always an easy one. Many times, I found myself struggling to keep up with all of the events in the story. This is no fault of Liza - it's a complicated situation, and she retells it beautifully. Her prose is excellent.

I can honestly say that before I read this book, I adhered to a conservative view on immigration. I shared the suspicions and fears of a lot of people in this country and favored strict policies. This book has definitely changed my mind! Seeing, up close and personal, the horrible situation these human beings are thrust into has swung me in the complete opposite direction. Good for Liza for doing that! And, thank you. I'm glad that you & Emir are able to see a much more forgiving (though certainly not perfect) attitude in the US when it comes to homosexuality and documentation these days.

My only real qualm with the book is that it sometimes got a tad repetitive, especially at the beginning. Such a small issue I took, and I noticed it faded away as the story went on. But who am I to judge Liza's thoughts and feelings as repetitive? :)

Excellent book, and I highly recommend it!!!!

[MsBrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I immensely enjoyed "The Marriage Act." The premise was enough to reel me in: young woman marries BFF to help him avoid deportation. BFF happens to be a gay Muslim man from a country not particularly friendly to homosexuals.

Monroy provided excellent context on the American political climate, both in terms of America's treatment of Muslims and America's duplicitous treatment of gay people who happen to be married within our own country. Monroy also maintains her modesty when revealing her various reasons for marrying Emir (the BFF). It's ok to be both selfish and altruistic.

I like that the book had a few unexpected moments (plot - memoir? - twists) - reminding the reader that Monroy was not simply our protagonist hero-woman, but was like the rest of us young women - vulnerable and always pursuing that great quest for love, sex, and happiness. What happens later in the book should serve as a stark reminder that one 'type' of marriage is no better than another. The Marriage Act definitely makes one reconsider the very definition of marriage (from beyond even the homo/hetero discussion). I enjoyed that The Marriage Act had an important social message. And the various ways that chance affected the characters, kept things interesting.

While I thought The Marriage Act was a terrific book (great beach reading!), there were times when occasionally the author would shy away from providing mere context, and delve into what appeared a greater digression. Or she would occasionally repeat a point she had made earlier. Luckily Monroy has a good sense of humor and tells a great story.

[Chrissy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't think I've ever read an autobiographical tale that read quite as intriguing as fiction in quite the same way that THE MARRIAGE ACT did when I recently read it for review. A brief glance at the description let me know that this one was definitely right up my alley, since I absolutely adore works related to the sociology of gender and relationships. And, what can say more about the definition and essence of relationship than a book that centers on thought provoking questions on the issue of marriage, especially as it relates to one woman's unconventional marriage for the purposes of securing her best friend citizenship in the United States.

Monroy is quick to point out that her marriage was intensely based on love -- although, of course, this was a nonsexual love in which she put another individual's happiness seemingly before her own (although the marriage did work to fulfill a void in her life, perpetuated not only by past relationships but also by her relationship with her own father). But, is the absence of sexual love enough to label a marriage as something less than genuine?

Despite the fact that he was gay and would never be her sexual match, Monroy expresses her marriage to Emir in many conventional terms, noting that the couple had great trust and love for one another, remaining in the marriage even after Emir secured his citizenship through the means of a lottery. Likewise, she contrasts this marriage with another, to her old college sweetheart, a man who fit the role of husband on the surface but who could never fulfill a marriage in quite the same way that Emir was able to do.

This work infuses great insights with wonderful moments of humor, my favorite of which was during questioning by the INS in which Liza was stumped by the question about whether or not her husband was circumcised, which she could not, of course, answer since she had no sexual relationship with him at all. It was also interesting that Liza's own mother worked for the INS, so the whole element of a marriage that was hidden not only from the government but also from her own mother added a bit of intrigue that made the book really read like an awesome work of fiction. And, the author's writing style engaging style of writing certainly didn't hurt, either!

I am really glad that I had an opportunity to preview an advanced copy of THE MARRIAGE ACT: THE RISK I TOOK TO KEEP MY BEST FRIEND IN AMERICA, AND WHAT IT TAUGHT US ABOUT LOVE, and I highly recommend it to anyone who has any interest in the topics of marriage and love, cultural anthropology (the descriptions of Emir's hometown and their views of homosexuality were chilling, despite the fact that the names and locations had to be kept vague to protect those involved), or those who are just romantics at heart.

(I did receive a free copy of this book; however, the manner in which the book was received has no baring on my review. I will be purchasing a copy for my Kindle, of course, because I can definitely see myself rereading and re-recommending this brilliant book in the future!)

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received The Marriage Act as part of a Goodreads giveaway.

Fresh off a breakup with her first love and facing the deportation of her gay best friend to his Middle Eastern homeland, Liza marries Emir to ensure his green card. This is a memoir of their union, as they navigate a marriage that doesn't fit the "traditional" mold, skirting the law, dating others, and hiding the truth of their relationship from family members.

A really brave, interesting look into a modern marriage that holds interesting insights into the gay marriage debate, American immigration policy, and 21st century notions of love and friendship. Liza and Emir are typical early 20-somethings--they're not all-knowing, perfect, or preternaturally wise--they make stupid mistakes, difficult decisions, and experience heartbreak and conflict. Yet for all the difficulties they experience, The Marriage Act is a beautiful, impactful read and I found myself eagerly gobbling up the book to find out how their stories ended.

Recommended.

[Katarina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, one thing's for sure: Liza has lived a very colorful life so far.

Her memoir takes us through her youth (moving around lots) to meeting her best friend in College. Emir is from a country where being gay endangers his life, and his visa is about to expire.
They have been best friends for years, so Liza marries him. The book takes us through ups and downs of marriage, friendship, bureaucracy and lying to friends and family.
Even though it is a platonic relationship, they lead a good marriage.
Finally Emir gets a green card and both move on. Liza with her high school crush (who also needs a green card....what are the odds?).

Without wanting to spoil too much, things work out well in the end, and Liza has many life lessons from her journey.

I liked the book. Liza's life story reads like fiction. It's crazy that all those things actually happened to her. At times there was a bit of repetition, which made the book drag a bit in parts. But that is understandable when you are wrestling with a big decision in your life, you tend to spend a lot of time thinking, dwelling, talking about it.

Overall, this is a very interesting and readable memoir.

[Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I choose to read this book after hearing the author on NPR. I was drawn to the story because I had known individuals who had been through similar situations.

The book is a memoir about the authors experience marrying her gay best friend to keep him from being deported to his home country (an unnamed Muslim country). While the story is about the couples quest for a green card it is also a story about the challenges of "acting married" while still wishing to develop personal relationships for yourself. The book also explores the definition and value of marriage in a society that both tries to "defend and protect" marriage by banning gays and lesbians the opportunity to memorialize their committed relationships but does so in a society where marriage is a game show set for prime time TV.

This book was well written and is full of heart. It is well worth reading.

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I so enjoyed reading The Marriage Act: The Risk I Took To Keep My Best Friend In America, and What It Taught Us About Love. Let me tell you that it is a heartfelt, honest memoir of one crazy sweet act of devotion. Ms. Monroy’s prose is both playful & provocative; she is both rebellious & wise. She wraps a tale of friendship, compassion & love around current political themes of marriage and immigration rights, gender discrimination, and ultimately, human rights. Ms. Monroy’s tale is a love story for the times we live in now. Compelling, insightful, witty.

[Jenna · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oof. I really, really wanted to like this book. I'm a huge believer in marriage-as-advocacy, vs. marriage-as-state-sanctioned-relationship, so I was excited to read about the experiences of someone who had been through this. But this book was so poorly written and awkward and juvenile. I couldn't get through it.

[Bookish Jen · Rating 2 out of 5]

In 2001 writer Liza Monroy married her best friend Emir. You’re probably thinking, “So what? People get married all the time.” Sure, they do, but Emir is gay and an immigrant from the Middle East. Furthermore, it was right after the tragedy of 9/11 when anyone Muslim was seen with suspicion.

Emir was desperate to stay in the United States, and a green card wasn’t exactly forthcoming. He despaired going back to his home country where he could be abused or even killed for simply being gay. So Monroy asked Emir to marry her in hope it would speed up him getting a green card and becoming an American citizen. And she writes about their friendship, marriage and other personal experiences in The Marriage Act-The Risk I Took to Keep My Best Friend in America, and What It Taught Us About Love.

Monroy met Emir when they were students at Emerson College in Boston. They spoke three languages, had lived in various locations around the globe, and desired creative careers. They clicked immediately and developed a platonically loving relationship with no expectations that it would become romantic. As you already know Emir is gay and at the time Monroy was engaged to her high school sweetheart Julian.

Monroy and Emir remained friends after graduation, navigating the adult world of jobs, money, relationships and other assorted stepping stones to hard-won maturity. Both aspired to be screenwriters or doing something else that would fulfill their artistic ambitions.

Then the horror of 9/11 occurred, and Emir feared he would be deported to his native country (which is never named, and Emir is a pseudonym). So Monroy, whose engagement to Julian busted up, did what she felt she had to do to keep her best friend in America. She asked him to marry her.

Despite some reservations from Emir, he and Monroy went out to Las Vegas where they were married by an Elvis impersonator (nearly forgetting to procure a marriage license in the process).

After this quickie wedding, Monroy and Emir “settled” into domestic bliss (granted one that is based on a sham and one where they get to date other people-oh, wait, a lot of legit marriages are like this). They also moved from place to place, went out partying and clubbing, and worked various jobs while wondering if their hopes and dreams would ever reach fruition.

Of course, Monroy and Emir dealt with a situation that is far different than their peers dealt with-their so-called marriage. They tried desperately to make sure their marriage looked like the real deal to co-workers and acquaintances. Another complication for Monroy and Emir? Monroy’s mother worked in the Foreign Service focusing mostly on immigration issues. Can we say awkward? Oh, and let’s not forget that Emir also had to hide his sexual orientation from his homophobic father.

And then there is that pesky INS who needed to Monroy and Emir about the validity who needs to question the couple about the validity of their marriage. At one point an agent asked Monroy if her husband is circumcised. Of course, Monroy doesn’t rightly know considering Emir is gay and she’s never seen his penis.

Just as Monroy and Emir are wondering if they can continue to fool their families, friends, and co-workers Emir lucks into winning a green card through a lottery system. Their marriage ends, yet their friendship stays strong. Emir is free to be who he is (and stay in the United States). And Monroy ends up marrying Julian, yep, her old fiancé.

Does this lead to a happily ever after for Monroy and Emir?

Well, after reading The Marriage Act, I was too blasé to even care. The Marriage Act is well-written. Monroy has a distinct and engaging voice, which are traits so necessary to keep a person reading. At first, I really got caught up in Monroy and Emir’s plight. I had to ask myself if I could have done the same thing, and I don’t think I have the ovaries for such an undertaking.

But as The Marriage Act unfolded then I didn’t find myself caring about their situation. I never truly felt that Monroy and Emir were in danger for faking a marriage despite Emir’s father’s alleged homophobia and Monroy’s mother’s job. In fact, I think Emir’s father’s money and Monroy’s mother's connections may have helped them in the end.

And then there is Monroy and Emir themselves. Monroy comes across as flighty and irresponsible. She’s desperate, clingy and despite her lackadaisical work style keeps getting promotions at her William Morris job. At times Emir comes across as a cardboard cut-out like a gay best friend seen in countless romantic comedies.

Still, The Marriage Act is not a horrible book. And I did appreciate how it brought up thorny issues like immigration, bigotry, homophobia, politics and the possibility of same sex marriage. I just wish it would have delved into these topics with more depth, but perhaps that’s something Monroy didn’t want to broach. Perhaps some readers of this book will ponder these topics further…or maybe Monroy will do that in a future book now that she was some time and maturity under her belt.

Originally published at The Book Self:
http://thebookselfblog.wordpress.com/...

[Crystal Yu · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not the best writing but was an easy, fun read. It kind of addresses the issues within US immigration policy but not really. Wish it delved into more about how Western values on marriage is inherently subjective and should have little to do with why/how/who would like to enter the United States.

[Alice Marsh-Elmer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this; part memoir, part commentary on marriage, I though Monroy did an excellent job of bridging an important topical discussion with a unique, personal situation.

Monroy spent her childhood and young adult life around the world, speaks multiple languages, and seems to be drawn to others as worldly as herself considering her first boyfriend, best friend, and best friends fiance at some point run into Visa trouble. The problems they run into, and the choices they make to deal with these problems, feel both intelligent and impulsive in ways expected of oneself at that age.

Different from a "diplomat's daughter" sort of tale, Monroy is able to speak eloquently both about the struggles of growing up and about reflecting on and recognizing entitlement or opportunity in herself and her environment. Of course, everyone struggles with growing up--with establishing your identity, your maturity, and your independence in your twenties, and the way you perceive the world. The decisions you make as a result are not always the best, but they are the experiences from which you are going to gain the most amount of growth. Monroy does a good job of capturing this, the drama inevitable in the life of young adults (as in, twenty-somethings) that builds the mature person you'll grow into, when the dust settles. The problems I grappled with in her character are reflective of the clarity with which I, myself, am able to look back on those crucial ages--a clarity Monroy reaches at the end of this part of her story.

I also found it to be an interesting view into one of my peers who has been able to take advantage of certain opportunities I wish I could have (travel, fluency in multiple other languages, living in great cities around the world), and who has nearly the opposite priorities from mine as a result of her experiences. While I dream about travel, experiencing other cultures, and living the small life in major metropolitans, Monroy fantasizes about a settled life with solid relationship, which feels as far away from her reach as a life in another country does from mine. I found it uplifting to find that, though our life experiences were very different, the struggles we each face while reaching for adulthood are the same. Our families, and the families we create, mold the adults we will become.

[Staci Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book via GoodReads First Reads

When I began this book my initial thought was "The whole concept of this book seems rather arbitrary." When I think of 9/11 I often think of it as something I am quite removed from, a tragic moment in American history that happened while I was in high school in Oklahoma and I felt very little connection to. It seemed the time for 9/11 narratives, or narratives set in the aftermath of 9/11, was long past. And while gay marriage is still a hot button topic that too is changing. With the federal disregard of DOMA it is only a matter of time before all states will offer the option of marriage to same-sex couples. This book seemed to come just a few years too late.

As I read Monroy's story I realized how wrong I was. Emir's situation (being a gay citizen of a fundamentalist Muslim country trying to stay in America so as not to be killed) is terrifying, no matter how removed he is from it by years. And in the moment, though her decision is admittedly both selfish and selfless, Liza offers the only help she can and her help comes at a high cost, her mother is a Visa investigator for the INS. The drama of this memoir is very real, and very compelling.

I enjoyed Monroy's writing style. Though it could at times be a bit cute, that cuteness brought a non-assuming casual tone not often found in memoir. Liza's story is full of drama, yes, but is at its core a story of unending friendship and love. It's hard to tell that kind of story and remain serious in tone throughout and Liza's personality shines through in her writing. She seems like the best kind of friend- one you would want on your side.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writing is nothing special, though the story itself and Liza's reflections are interesting. I was surprised to find out she is a professional writer; I thought she was just a person with a story to tell. But it is a good story, and I liked the way Liza used the story as a springboard for her thoughts about marriage, friendship, adulthood, and immigration law. I would've appreciated a little bit of research to give the personal story its political context - not too much, but some numbers on the green card lottery, murders of homosexuals in the Middle East, or anecdotes of other real-life stories of green card marriages. Liza's musings sometimes felt long-winded and pop-psychologist-y, and the story had some twists that seemed unreal (although they apparently were), and I found I didn't like Liza that much. Nevertheless, I was glad to read her story and appreciated the questions it raised.

[Dorothy Greco · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought the last book on marriage I had read was depressing. This redefines "marriage book" which I think is the author's point. At age 22, Liza Monroy "heroically" offered to marry her gay, Muslim friend who was in danger of being deported. I actually admired her for this radical show of support. But as I continued through the book (I only made it halfway), that admiration quickly evaporated. While dismissing the historic role of marriage in culture, Liza and her new "husband" continue to hook up with others, become addicted to crystal meth, use and abuse their trust, and deceive many. This is not a book about marriage. It's not even a book about the ridiculousness of US immigration policy. It's a book about two lost and broken young adults who have little idea what love and commitment mean. I wish them well and hope they grow up soon.

[Catherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Monroy was very naïve and immature when she persuaded her gay friend Emir that they should marry before his U.S. visa expired. She kept stressing that she didn’t want to lose her friend. I understood that. Who hasn’t made some bad decisions in life, especially in youth, based on emotion? But she married Emir impetuously without considering all of the consequences. Her mother works for the State Department preventing immigration fraud. She knew she was committing a crime.

Using her situation as an argument for marriage equality I thought was a bit of a stretch. Marrying for a green card and marrying for love don’t equate for me.

I hope Monroy’s motivation to write her book was to share her experiences and prevent readers from making the same numerous serious, illegal, and damaging mistakes. Hopefully she’s grown up, become more responsible and is less self-absorbed.

[Readersaurus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite the serious topic, this was a quick and breezy read. Monroy (I found myself wondering if this were her real name) packed a lot of content into this short and entertaining book. Would you risk prison and the ruination of your mother's career to enable your best friend to stay in the U.S.? What if he risked very real personal violence if forced to return to his country of origin? (Why is threat of persecution for being gay not enough reason for asylum??) There's a lot to think and talk about in here. I hope many people will read this easy book and then grapple with its difficult topics.

[Nguinther · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written with interesting questions about love, marriage, and family and what they mean to the author, to Emir, whom she married, and to society as a whole. Fast paced and written with humor and honesty. Only criticism: she told the reader too many times that she loved Emir and why she made her choice to marry him. I didn't feel she needed to justify her reasons for marrying her gay friend, who was in danger of being deported back to his home in the Mid East.

[Dasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, I enjoyed this book. It is a very important, topical story. I would give it a 3.5 to 4 star rating: at times the author seemed to lack a deeper understanding of the context of the story, and at other times there was some over-thinking. In other words, I wish the author spent more time on some sections, and less on others. I enjoyed having the photographs included. One of my favorite lines is: "What's more American, God or Elvis? (p. 60)

[Kathleen E · Rating 3 out of 5]

July 2014. Saw the author and her mother at Powell's earlier in the year. She was interesting and well spoken. The book was ok but she seemed to create her own drama by repeatedly selfish acts. Interesting commentary on the trust necessary for solid relationships of all kinds

[Enigmaticblue · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, especially for its meditation on marriage, love, and what it means to be real. I felt that the author was rather unflinching in her self-assessment, and the story had me on the edge of my seat in a few places.

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well-written, enjoyable to read. More surprises in store than I thought.

[Deo348 · Rating 3 out of 5]

Entertaining and quick read. But a bit of a train wreck. Usually memoirs inspire me in some way, this one did not.

[Donna Luu · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought that a book by a screenwriter would be well-written, but this was very repetitive on some issues, yet breezed through some of the later events. A good story, though.