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Guy Langman, Crime Scene Procrastinator
Guy Langman can't be bothered with much. But when his friend Anoop wants Guy to join the forensics club with him in the (possibly misguided) hopes of impressing some girls, Guy thinks why not.
They certainly aren't expecting to find a real dead body on the simulated crime scene they're assigned to collect evidence from. But after some girlish, undignified screaming, the two realize it is indeed a body. Which means they have stumbled across a real, dead murder victim.
Meanwhile, Guy has been looking into the past of his father-a larger-than-life character who recently passed away. He was much older than Guy's mom, and had a whole past Guy never even knew about. Could his father's past and the dead body be linked? Does Guy want to know? He's going to need all his newfound forensics skills to find out . . . "From the Hardcover edition."
They certainly aren't expecting to find a real dead body on the simulated crime scene they're assigned to collect evidence from. But after some girlish, undignified screaming, the two realize it is indeed a body. Which means they have stumbled across a real, dead murder victim.
Meanwhile, Guy has been looking into the past of his father-a larger-than-life character who recently passed away. He was much older than Guy's mom, and had a whole past Guy never even knew about. Could his father's past and the dead body be linked? Does Guy want to know? He's going to need all his newfound forensics skills to find out . . . "From the Hardcover edition."
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First published March 13, 2012
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About the author
Josh Berk
9 books147 followersThe Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin will be released on February 9, 2010.
Reading level: Young Adult
Hardcover: 208 pages
Publisher: Knopf Books for Young Readers
Reading level: Young Adult
Hardcover: 208 pages
Publisher: Knopf Books for Young Readers
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 141 reviews
dnf
February 26, 2021DNF 25%
Not quite what I'm looking for at the moment.
Not quite what I'm looking for at the moment.
September 20, 2011
Taking a break from my usual review method because I'm feeling lazy today.
I was really disappointed with this one and it makes me sad. I thought I was going to absolutely love it.
But something really didn’t sit with me.
The story was alright, although I felt there was faaaar too little happening in the first half. And then when the interesting stuff happened, we were pretty much done.
I really wanted to find out more about Guy’s dad and his background. I mean.. he’s a deep sea diver who looks for buried treasure. How is that not brilliant?! But it all seemed to get lost within a tsunami of boners and high fives and raised eyebrows and ‘that’s what she saids’.
When I was reading the conversations and exchanges in this book, I couldn’t help but be reminded of this ginnel that I had to walk through to get to the paper shop on my estate. It was near the bus stop where all the students from the local high school got off and the entire stretch of it was constantly covered in graffiti. The council kept painting over it but as soon as it dried… it was back.
The jokes in this book really reminded me of that. They seemed to be constant and annoying and they were really distracting from the story.
Yeah, they were funny the first time you read them… but the novelty of reading ‘sex’ and ‘boobs’ written on a wall wears off and you realise you’re just massively craving a sherbert fountain.
Also, Guy was a perfectly fine narrator. I’d probably be his friend but when he held his hand up for a high five after he said ‘That’s what your mum said’ or ‘You weren’t saying THAT last night’ after everything I said… I’d punch him in the crotchal region.
I really loved the idea for this because, even though I abandoned my love for science at the academic alter and ran off to have an illicit affair with film and then start a life with literature, I still hold a candle for my first love. But while it was fun to see a group of sixteen year old running around solving crimes… eh.
Theme Tune.
Seeing as I’m about 100% sure that it’s illegal to mention crime scenes without The Who song in the background. So…
Pinball Wizard by The Who.
This song doesn’t really have any relevance to this book (sadly because that would have been AWESOME) but the chances of me finding a book that it is relevant to are slim.
So until then, Guy can look after this one.
I’m sure Maureen (who I adored by the way! I would be best friends with her and we could sit and roll our eyes at the silly boys and their ‘zinging’ and obsession with dirty balls) will appreciatemy awesome taste in music this song.
I’m sorry that this review has mainly been negative… it just really wasn’t my thing. Maybe I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it.
BUT I have on great authority that The Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin is absolutely fantastic, so I’m really looking forward to reading that in the near future….
I received a copy of this book from the publishers.
You can find this review and lots of other exciting things on my blog here.
I was really disappointed with this one and it makes me sad. I thought I was going to absolutely love it.
But something really didn’t sit with me.
The story was alright, although I felt there was faaaar too little happening in the first half. And then when the interesting stuff happened, we were pretty much done.
I really wanted to find out more about Guy’s dad and his background. I mean.. he’s a deep sea diver who looks for buried treasure. How is that not brilliant?! But it all seemed to get lost within a tsunami of boners and high fives and raised eyebrows and ‘that’s what she saids’.
When I was reading the conversations and exchanges in this book, I couldn’t help but be reminded of this ginnel that I had to walk through to get to the paper shop on my estate. It was near the bus stop where all the students from the local high school got off and the entire stretch of it was constantly covered in graffiti. The council kept painting over it but as soon as it dried… it was back.
The jokes in this book really reminded me of that. They seemed to be constant and annoying and they were really distracting from the story.
Yeah, they were funny the first time you read them… but the novelty of reading ‘sex’ and ‘boobs’ written on a wall wears off and you realise you’re just massively craving a sherbert fountain.
Also, Guy was a perfectly fine narrator. I’d probably be his friend but when he held his hand up for a high five after he said ‘That’s what your mum said’ or ‘You weren’t saying THAT last night’ after everything I said… I’d punch him in the crotchal region.
I really loved the idea for this because, even though I abandoned my love for science at the academic alter and ran off to have an illicit affair with film and then start a life with literature, I still hold a candle for my first love. But while it was fun to see a group of sixteen year old running around solving crimes… eh.
Theme Tune.
Seeing as I’m about 100% sure that it’s illegal to mention crime scenes without The Who song in the background. So…
Pinball Wizard by The Who.
This song doesn’t really have any relevance to this book (sadly because that would have been AWESOME) but the chances of me finding a book that it is relevant to are slim.
So until then, Guy can look after this one.
I’m sure Maureen (who I adored by the way! I would be best friends with her and we could sit and roll our eyes at the silly boys and their ‘zinging’ and obsession with dirty balls) will appreciate
I’m sorry that this review has mainly been negative… it just really wasn’t my thing. Maybe I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it.
BUT I have on great authority that The Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin is absolutely fantastic, so I’m really looking forward to reading that in the near future….
I received a copy of this book from the publishers.
You can find this review and lots of other exciting things on my blog here.
January 26, 2018
This is a very funny book, but sometimes it's serious. The jokes though are so inappropriate. I maybe recommend this book to people who liked what I just wrote.
February 7, 2020
This was a no-brainer of a story. Weak overall story and a very disappointing ending.
April 2, 2020
The draw of this book was the forensic club and the mock crime scene.. Right, duh… so I was totally bummed that it was brushed over and didn’t play a more prominent aspect of the book. Once that happened, of course it is hard to pull up out of disappointment and preconceived expectation. The juvenile jokes and jabs didn’t bother me, but some seemed unappropriated to the context of the story. I assume this is ok as the story is about teen aged boys and they, and their older counterparts always seem to be in this stage. Coming from a male driven profession and motherhood with male off spring, I heard the pause in conversations so that I could roll my eyes without interruption.
So, I can’t be sure about the book, but it didn’t live up to my expectations and I wasn’t the intended audience. However, it wasn’t a waste of my time, it was short diversion from an otherwise drab existence while being sheltered in place.
I rate the book 3 stars… keeping in mind that I thought it was one thing, when in fact it was not I still completed the read, so there is something to say there.
It made me laugh in a couple of places and I rolled my eyes and thought “cheesy” in others.
Happy Reading!
So, I can’t be sure about the book, but it didn’t live up to my expectations and I wasn’t the intended audience. However, it wasn’t a waste of my time, it was short diversion from an otherwise drab existence while being sheltered in place.
I rate the book 3 stars… keeping in mind that I thought it was one thing, when in fact it was not I still completed the read, so there is something to say there.
It made me laugh in a couple of places and I rolled my eyes and thought “cheesy” in others.
Happy Reading!
March 1, 2012
I was a bit disappointed when I read the book. It’s not very bad, but after I read what it was about, I had hoped to see the murder victim and the investigation sooner. The murder victim doesn’t appear until the second half of the book. The first half is very slow and although it is not too boring to see Guy’s everyday life, this could have been written a bit faster.
The second half of the book, on the other hand, is very interesting to read. We finally see the murder and the investigation has some nice plot twists.
The story is narrated in first person by Guy. As the book starts with the burial of Guy’s father, we don’t know much about Guy previous to that and how or if his behaviour changed much after it. Although he can be witty and funny, most of the time his jokes are silly. Jokes about sex and the male anatomy are not funny if they are repeated all the time (or they are not funny at all). You only have to imagine all the things you don’t like about teenage boys and put them in one person and you have Guy. He’s not all bad and can be good if he really needs to, but most of the time he behaves like a spoilt ten year old.
This doesn’t change until he finds the murdered boy. As the boy looks like him and he has reasons to believe somebody is after him, Guy thinks he was murdered by mistake and that the real murder victim was meant to be himself. This forces him to grow up, so that the Guy we see in the second half of the book is much more mature.
If you like criminal mysteries and can make it through the first part of this book, you’ll enjoy the rest.
The second half of the book, on the other hand, is very interesting to read. We finally see the murder and the investigation has some nice plot twists.
The story is narrated in first person by Guy. As the book starts with the burial of Guy’s father, we don’t know much about Guy previous to that and how or if his behaviour changed much after it. Although he can be witty and funny, most of the time his jokes are silly. Jokes about sex and the male anatomy are not funny if they are repeated all the time (or they are not funny at all). You only have to imagine all the things you don’t like about teenage boys and put them in one person and you have Guy. He’s not all bad and can be good if he really needs to, but most of the time he behaves like a spoilt ten year old.
This doesn’t change until he finds the murdered boy. As the boy looks like him and he has reasons to believe somebody is after him, Guy thinks he was murdered by mistake and that the real murder victim was meant to be himself. This forces him to grow up, so that the Guy we see in the second half of the book is much more mature.
If you like criminal mysteries and can make it through the first part of this book, you’ll enjoy the rest.
March 31, 2022
Good: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ This book was kind of stupid and amazing at the same time. 😆 The mystery was pretty well set up, but still had a good twist after some embarrassing moments.
Clean: ⭐️⭐️✨ This book had a lot of language and some suggestive language.
Fun: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ I actually really enjoyed this book! It felt like hanging out with my brothers.
If you have a guy’s sense of humor, this is the book for you!
Clean: ⭐️⭐️✨ This book had a lot of language and some suggestive language.
Fun: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ I actually really enjoyed this book! It felt like hanging out with my brothers.
If you have a guy’s sense of humor, this is the book for you!
June 14, 2019
Overdrive does it again. This was another audio that I chose at random and ended up enjoying.
I was looking for something light & it came up under the funny/mystery choices.
It’s meant for the YA audience but I did it on audio & it was fine for adults. I chuckled out loud a few times. Though i will say the YA thing is reflected in the ending as that was a little eh..
And it is a little slow in the mystery sense but I didn’t mind as I found it entertaining regardless.
It was a good story. Likable characters. Some humor.
FYI: it’s the POV of a teen boy so some of the narrative reflects that. (ie. boys going thru puberty …..)
Humorous line:
“Raquel is not paying much attention at all. As usual, she is flipping through her purse, as if it’s a magical container that somehow holds all the crap in the world in it’s minute interior.”
I was looking for something light & it came up under the funny/mystery choices.
It’s meant for the YA audience but I did it on audio & it was fine for adults. I chuckled out loud a few times. Though i will say the YA thing is reflected in the ending as that was a little eh..
And it is a little slow in the mystery sense but I didn’t mind as I found it entertaining regardless.
It was a good story. Likable characters. Some humor.
FYI: it’s the POV of a teen boy so some of the narrative reflects that. (ie. boys going thru puberty …..)
Humorous line:
“Raquel is not paying much attention at all. As usual, she is flipping through her purse, as if it’s a magical container that somehow holds all the crap in the world in it’s minute interior.”
January 1, 2019
When his best friend Anoop, talked Guy Langman into joining the forensics squad at school. He didn't expect to actually like it. And when they found a dead body, would Guy's new skills come in handy?
I picked this one up because it was labeled humor, and also the mystery part. I have to admit it wasn't bad.
It's not my favorite, don't get me wrong. It has a tendency to be a good book but also forgettable.
I did like it though. I like Guy's voice. It's very funny, sad, but also very well-opinionated. I liked the plot all in all. I have to admit, I didn't see the culprit coming. And I like the sense of Guy growing up, and seeing that he has something new to work on.
An okay book in general.
I picked this one up because it was labeled humor, and also the mystery part. I have to admit it wasn't bad.
It's not my favorite, don't get me wrong. It has a tendency to be a good book but also forgettable.
I did like it though. I like Guy's voice. It's very funny, sad, but also very well-opinionated. I liked the plot all in all. I have to admit, I didn't see the culprit coming. And I like the sense of Guy growing up, and seeing that he has something new to work on.
An okay book in general.
March 23, 2023
Not for me, I love a mystery but this books plot was fairly lackluster and I didn't find myslef wanting to know more nor was i satisfied with the end results.
The main issue though was the narrator, Guy is written like a stereotypical teenage boy but in a bad way, talking about girls in a gross way and also saying things I can't imagine any teenager genuinely saying like JK and cracking terrible jokes that noone would think were funny.
The main issue though was the narrator, Guy is written like a stereotypical teenage boy but in a bad way, talking about girls in a gross way and also saying things I can't imagine any teenager genuinely saying like JK and cracking terrible jokes that noone would think were funny.
December 10, 2020
This was a pretty entertaining listen. I enjoyed it.
March 13, 2012
What a fun book! (Although it does perhaps give a little too much information about the thought process of teenage boys for those of us who aren't and never have been one to feel totally comfortable with. Especially if you work in close proximity to them every day and/or happen to live with one.) I didn't go into it expecting a big crime mystery (he is the crime scene procrastinator, after all) so I wasn't at all disappointed that the actual crime was such a small part of the book. Instead it was a witty, funny (again, teenage boy-style witty and funny, but still...) book about a boy who lost his father and is trying to figure out both his place in the world and how to cope with his mother's and his own grief. It had me laughing out loud one minute, cringing at his truly bad and tasteless jokes the next. I think every high school class out there has at least one Guy Langman in it, so anyone who's ever been to high school can identify with this book at least a little. Crime drama it isn't. Looking for a quirky coming-of-age story, though? Case closed.
Though, honestly, do teenage boys really toss around all those "your mother" jokes? As the mother of a teenage boy, it's more than a little disconcerting....
Though, honestly, do teenage boys really toss around all those "your mother" jokes? As the mother of a teenage boy, it's more than a little disconcerting....
March 25, 2012
Guy Langman, Crime Scene Procrastinator is part mystery, part coming of age, and part comedy. Guy himself is a very likeable character, who is going through a rough time. He’s just lost his dad, (he died, he has not been misplaced) and he’s learning to cope with that. His best friend Anoop gets him to join the Forensics club at school, and that’s when the fun begins. There are a couple of mysteries, some definite characters, an unrequited love, and sunken treasure. Overall, I enjoyed the story a lot. The humor was right on, and I enjoyed getting to know the main characters. The one problem I had with the book is that the passage of time feels a bit wonky. I couldn’t get a feel for how much time was passing, or what time of year it was. It just kind of threw me off. Other than that, I think this would be a good book to recommend to a teen who likes funny mysteries.
November 2, 2012
Great story, lots of laugh-out-loud humor, and fabulous characters! Josh Berk nails the teen-boy narrator's voice, as well as the other teen characters, and how they interact.
September 11, 2011
I really enjoyed Josh's first book, but this one...oh, man. It's filled with funny, but it's also smart and tender and really, really special.
August 7, 2012
Guy Langman: Crime Scene Procrastinator. I would rate this book 1.5 stars. It was really hard for me to choose a rating. Typically I rather go "I didn't like it" or "It was okay" or "Hmm, now my hope in Young Adult fiction is redeemed." Unfortunately, I did not say the last thing when I read this book for many reasons.
Dedication: I'll admit, this is what made me pick this particular book over the other 20 lying around in my "I just borrowed these from the library and now I guess it's time to read them" stack. I love Lisa Madigan (known to more as L.K. Madigan). She inspired me to write a novel with a male protagonist, an unconventional ending, and to really look into why people are who they are. I was extremely upset to hear she passed away last year, as I wanted to thank her for being my inspiration. I don't think I could call myself a writer if I hadn't stumbled across Flash Burnout in my school library. Blake's voice was so fresh and redeemed my hope in Young Adult fiction. But most of all, as stated earlier, I was inspired after reading it. So I had extremely high hopes for this book because it's probably my favorite general fiction novel I've ever read.
I was sorely disappointed when I finished this novel.
First of all, I didn't really get the title. Why not just "Crime Scene Procrastinator" or something like that? The usage of the narrator's name is completely unnecessary. It takes up time and space and doesn't really tell the reader a whole lot. "Crime Scene Procrastinator" was all I really saw when I picked up the book.
Pet Peeve # 1 found in this novel: Using the narrator's name in the title.
Come on. So many books already have the narrator's name in the title. I don't usually mind books such as "Looking for Alaska" or something that puns on a narrator's name, but here there was really no point in stating his name. Plus I didn't really see much procrastination like I'd expected, so the title was rather misleading. The only thing about it that seems important in any way is "Crime Scene." And there was a crime scene. Sort of. We'll get to that in a bit.
This brings us to the character of Guy. I also had high hopes reading this novel because I really wanted to read something that was from a male point of view. Even better, the author is male! I thought that would help immensely with his writing. I was, again, sorely disappointed. Guy pretty much seemed to fit the stereotypical horny and sexual teenager. Which is fine if there's just a bit of it sprinkled here and there as necessary because yeah, that's how a lot of teenage guys are. I would know. I have two brothers and spend more than half my life hanging out with my own teenage guy friends. But really? A lot of the mentioning of all this sexual stuff was so unnecessary. Especially considering this was written more like a middle grade than a young adult novel, at least in my opinion. If I found this in the children's section and there wasn't so much being turned on and boner material, then maybe I would be a little more okay with this. But no. There wasn't really much originality in the character. He was lazy, didn't really have a hobby, and frankly was quite annoying. Not to mention his humor really wasn't all that funny either. That's saying a lot coming from someone who is just a little too easily amused, and has been told she is by more than just several people. (Ooh. Squirrel! Wait. I'm writing a book review. I'll let them distract me later.)
Now to Anoop, the best friend or sidekick or whatever we want to call him. Guess it doesn't matter too much. I appreciate the cultural diversity represented in this book, because hey, YA needs some of that. But giving Anoop a ridiculous last name did not help matters. I still can't pronounce it. I've been staring at it for a while trying, and I just gave up. For the most part, I liked Anoop just a smidge more than his best friend. But I still didn't like him a whole lot. He just didn't resonate me. Guy didn't either. The pair said so many juvenile things I seriously had to keep knocking my head against a wall to remind me that they were in fact high school juniors, not seventh graders. (I live with a high school junior and a high school freshman, so I think I know my stuff when it comes to guys. Correct me if I'm wrong.) Guys (even guys like Guy, haha, bad pun, I just had to do it) in high school do not shout (as quoted from page 104) "Frank Boner here. J/K! It's Guy Langman from school. How's it going?"
(On a side, note, “How’s it going”? Really? Even girls don’t say that. No one really says that. “What’s up” or just “It’s me. Guy Langman” or something like that would’ve worked. Boys do not use more words than they need to. They really don’t. I would know.)
Now I write YA fiction as well, and typically from the male perspective. I may not be a teenage guy, but I'm not disillusioned enough to think a guy would scream "J/K" into a phone. Not unless he was a girl. And even if he was a girl, really? Back when the younger me (as in like fourteen year old me) wrote terrible fiction and used OMG and other acronyms of that nature, I was advised against it. I see why now. But again, at least I got my female main characters screaming acronyms into their phones, not males. This is just one of many examples. I don't really feel like looking for more of those, because we're about to get to Jelsa's second pet peeve.
Pet Peeve #2: The dialogue. Oh, gosh, the dialogue. I wanted my forehead to meet the desk so many times while reading this. (Or in the case of me while reading in the car, forehead meeting window.) Just paragraphs and paragraphs of talking head syndrome and absolutely no actions in between dialogue. Someone really needs to let this author know that 70% of communication--yes, 70, not 5 or 1 or .000001--is body language. I can excuse some of the phone conversations' lack of dialogue (for realism), but there were multiple scenes where I just found quotation marks running down the side of the page. And I seriously wanted to throw the book at the wall.
I do not typically throw books at walls.
If one needs to look for examples of this, look at page 137 starting with "I think we're getting off track here" down to halfway (a little more than, actually) of page 138. 23 paragraphs in a row that all started with dialogue. Just seeing even four or five of those too close together usually wants to make me punch something. Imagine 23. I only counted the paragraphs for the sake of this review. Again, possibly okay in middle grade or children's fiction. Definitely not okay in YA. And definitely not okay considering this happened more than once. I didn’t have this scene picked out before I started the review, but all I had to do was flick the thing open and BAM, I found an example. That has to mean something. Either that or the universe just wanted to help me write this review faster.
Pacing in this book wasn't very good either. Way too much time was spent in the beginning, and the climax was first of all, short. Second, poorly written. Now, I give the author some credit because it wasn't predictable. I always appreciate that, especially considering this is supposed to be a mystery novel. But I would've loved for the mystery to be drawn out way longer in Part Two. What was up with Part Two starting with the climax, anyway? It should've been tacked onto the end of Part One. Guess the author realized how little he wrote for Part Two and was too lazy to make it longer, fuller, and more realistic than he did? I don't know. Hey. I'm not the author. Just a reader. Who is just a bit more picky than she should be sometimes.
Then comes the plot holes. And I guess the spoiler alerts, but whatever. How did Hairston whatever his name was (something about him being a third but me not really caring enough right now to find out) find out about the coins? That was never really mentioned. And that was a big part of the whole novel. I was quite disappointed when it ended up being him. Jacques would've been fun to pin the blame on. Even poor little Indian Anoop. Actually, if written the right way, that could've been executed really well. It would've been way more interesting than pinning the blame on the pervy outcast hacker with an obscene nickname who was a fifteen-year-old junior who couldn't drive who wasn't even in half the novel anyway. I still don't get what made them think Hairston did it. Yes, it was unlikely and in a good mystery novel it's always the unlikely person who did it, but come on. This was too unlikely. It wasn't even plausible in any way. (Oh yeah, and again with the porn mentioned in that novel. Absolutely unnecessary. But I don't want to get into that.)
The only character that I didn't hate with all my heart at the end of the book was Maureen. Why? Well, at least she had hobbies. A personality. She did have outlandish ideas, but that made her fun as a character, and at least the pun in her poetry didn't make me want to fall over and not get up and keep reading. (Too bad I force myself to finish reading every book I pick up.) The only reason why I didn't quite like her is I still don't see what she saw in the narrator. Who I still don't like. Typically most of the books I read will get 2 stars for not being memorable or characters being flat or a terrible plot or a very unfinished ending. (Which I guess was yet another one of those few redeeming things in this novel. It wasn't total crap, but in case it isn't obvious by now, I didn't think it was very good either.) This one I am only giving an extra .5 to because of who the book is dedicated to. Otherwise this would be a flat out 1 starred novel. Now, I do give out a lot of 2 stars, but the 1 stars I give out are few and far between. Like to the Twilight series. Which I also rather not get into.
Most importantly though, there was so much lack of emotion in this novel I really just didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I'd let my dog eat the book or something, but I kind of borrowed it from the library. Well, at least I didn't pay for it. But there is a serious lack of emotional connection in this novel. I was hoping for at least a little angst or something like that after the death of the narrator's dad and all that, but nope. Nada. Just look at this excerpt.
"Man," I say, feeling so sad for Toby. "It really is sad."
I as a reader can barely sympathize, let alone empathize right now. Yes, people die. And yeah, it's sad. But there's nothing wrong with a little human reaction to it. Nope. Apparently that was too much to ask here though.
The scene I was really looking for was the one when Guy found a note his father left. I no longer feel like looking for it because I feel like I've wasted enough of my time both reading this novel and writing a review for it. There may be other things I should also mention, but my dog is now begging me for a walk, and I feel like he deserves some attention from me after I've neglected him to write this. So that is it for now.
(Actually, maybe it's a good thing my dog is stopping me from writing any more than I have. This review is already well over two thousand words long. Hopefully the next novel I read will not be as viciously torn apart. Mostly because I have better things to do with my time.)
Dedication: I'll admit, this is what made me pick this particular book over the other 20 lying around in my "I just borrowed these from the library and now I guess it's time to read them" stack. I love Lisa Madigan (known to more as L.K. Madigan). She inspired me to write a novel with a male protagonist, an unconventional ending, and to really look into why people are who they are. I was extremely upset to hear she passed away last year, as I wanted to thank her for being my inspiration. I don't think I could call myself a writer if I hadn't stumbled across Flash Burnout in my school library. Blake's voice was so fresh and redeemed my hope in Young Adult fiction. But most of all, as stated earlier, I was inspired after reading it. So I had extremely high hopes for this book because it's probably my favorite general fiction novel I've ever read.
I was sorely disappointed when I finished this novel.
First of all, I didn't really get the title. Why not just "Crime Scene Procrastinator" or something like that? The usage of the narrator's name is completely unnecessary. It takes up time and space and doesn't really tell the reader a whole lot. "Crime Scene Procrastinator" was all I really saw when I picked up the book.
Pet Peeve # 1 found in this novel: Using the narrator's name in the title.
Come on. So many books already have the narrator's name in the title. I don't usually mind books such as "Looking for Alaska" or something that puns on a narrator's name, but here there was really no point in stating his name. Plus I didn't really see much procrastination like I'd expected, so the title was rather misleading. The only thing about it that seems important in any way is "Crime Scene." And there was a crime scene. Sort of. We'll get to that in a bit.
This brings us to the character of Guy. I also had high hopes reading this novel because I really wanted to read something that was from a male point of view. Even better, the author is male! I thought that would help immensely with his writing. I was, again, sorely disappointed. Guy pretty much seemed to fit the stereotypical horny and sexual teenager. Which is fine if there's just a bit of it sprinkled here and there as necessary because yeah, that's how a lot of teenage guys are. I would know. I have two brothers and spend more than half my life hanging out with my own teenage guy friends. But really? A lot of the mentioning of all this sexual stuff was so unnecessary. Especially considering this was written more like a middle grade than a young adult novel, at least in my opinion. If I found this in the children's section and there wasn't so much being turned on and boner material, then maybe I would be a little more okay with this. But no. There wasn't really much originality in the character. He was lazy, didn't really have a hobby, and frankly was quite annoying. Not to mention his humor really wasn't all that funny either. That's saying a lot coming from someone who is just a little too easily amused, and has been told she is by more than just several people. (Ooh. Squirrel! Wait. I'm writing a book review. I'll let them distract me later.)
Now to Anoop, the best friend or sidekick or whatever we want to call him. Guess it doesn't matter too much. I appreciate the cultural diversity represented in this book, because hey, YA needs some of that. But giving Anoop a ridiculous last name did not help matters. I still can't pronounce it. I've been staring at it for a while trying, and I just gave up. For the most part, I liked Anoop just a smidge more than his best friend. But I still didn't like him a whole lot. He just didn't resonate me. Guy didn't either. The pair said so many juvenile things I seriously had to keep knocking my head against a wall to remind me that they were in fact high school juniors, not seventh graders. (I live with a high school junior and a high school freshman, so I think I know my stuff when it comes to guys. Correct me if I'm wrong.) Guys (even guys like Guy, haha, bad pun, I just had to do it) in high school do not shout (as quoted from page 104) "Frank Boner here. J/K! It's Guy Langman from school. How's it going?"
(On a side, note, “How’s it going”? Really? Even girls don’t say that. No one really says that. “What’s up” or just “It’s me. Guy Langman” or something like that would’ve worked. Boys do not use more words than they need to. They really don’t. I would know.)
Now I write YA fiction as well, and typically from the male perspective. I may not be a teenage guy, but I'm not disillusioned enough to think a guy would scream "J/K" into a phone. Not unless he was a girl. And even if he was a girl, really? Back when the younger me (as in like fourteen year old me) wrote terrible fiction and used OMG and other acronyms of that nature, I was advised against it. I see why now. But again, at least I got my female main characters screaming acronyms into their phones, not males. This is just one of many examples. I don't really feel like looking for more of those, because we're about to get to Jelsa's second pet peeve.
Pet Peeve #2: The dialogue. Oh, gosh, the dialogue. I wanted my forehead to meet the desk so many times while reading this. (Or in the case of me while reading in the car, forehead meeting window.) Just paragraphs and paragraphs of talking head syndrome and absolutely no actions in between dialogue. Someone really needs to let this author know that 70% of communication--yes, 70, not 5 or 1 or .000001--is body language. I can excuse some of the phone conversations' lack of dialogue (for realism), but there were multiple scenes where I just found quotation marks running down the side of the page. And I seriously wanted to throw the book at the wall.
I do not typically throw books at walls.
If one needs to look for examples of this, look at page 137 starting with "I think we're getting off track here" down to halfway (a little more than, actually) of page 138. 23 paragraphs in a row that all started with dialogue. Just seeing even four or five of those too close together usually wants to make me punch something. Imagine 23. I only counted the paragraphs for the sake of this review. Again, possibly okay in middle grade or children's fiction. Definitely not okay in YA. And definitely not okay considering this happened more than once. I didn’t have this scene picked out before I started the review, but all I had to do was flick the thing open and BAM, I found an example. That has to mean something. Either that or the universe just wanted to help me write this review faster.
Pacing in this book wasn't very good either. Way too much time was spent in the beginning, and the climax was first of all, short. Second, poorly written. Now, I give the author some credit because it wasn't predictable. I always appreciate that, especially considering this is supposed to be a mystery novel. But I would've loved for the mystery to be drawn out way longer in Part Two. What was up with Part Two starting with the climax, anyway? It should've been tacked onto the end of Part One. Guess the author realized how little he wrote for Part Two and was too lazy to make it longer, fuller, and more realistic than he did? I don't know. Hey. I'm not the author. Just a reader. Who is just a bit more picky than she should be sometimes.
Then comes the plot holes. And I guess the spoiler alerts, but whatever. How did Hairston whatever his name was (something about him being a third but me not really caring enough right now to find out) find out about the coins? That was never really mentioned. And that was a big part of the whole novel. I was quite disappointed when it ended up being him. Jacques would've been fun to pin the blame on. Even poor little Indian Anoop. Actually, if written the right way, that could've been executed really well. It would've been way more interesting than pinning the blame on the pervy outcast hacker with an obscene nickname who was a fifteen-year-old junior who couldn't drive who wasn't even in half the novel anyway. I still don't get what made them think Hairston did it. Yes, it was unlikely and in a good mystery novel it's always the unlikely person who did it, but come on. This was too unlikely. It wasn't even plausible in any way. (Oh yeah, and again with the porn mentioned in that novel. Absolutely unnecessary. But I don't want to get into that.)
The only character that I didn't hate with all my heart at the end of the book was Maureen. Why? Well, at least she had hobbies. A personality. She did have outlandish ideas, but that made her fun as a character, and at least the pun in her poetry didn't make me want to fall over and not get up and keep reading. (Too bad I force myself to finish reading every book I pick up.) The only reason why I didn't quite like her is I still don't see what she saw in the narrator. Who I still don't like. Typically most of the books I read will get 2 stars for not being memorable or characters being flat or a terrible plot or a very unfinished ending. (Which I guess was yet another one of those few redeeming things in this novel. It wasn't total crap, but in case it isn't obvious by now, I didn't think it was very good either.) This one I am only giving an extra .5 to because of who the book is dedicated to. Otherwise this would be a flat out 1 starred novel. Now, I do give out a lot of 2 stars, but the 1 stars I give out are few and far between. Like to the Twilight series. Which I also rather not get into.
Most importantly though, there was so much lack of emotion in this novel I really just didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I'd let my dog eat the book or something, but I kind of borrowed it from the library. Well, at least I didn't pay for it. But there is a serious lack of emotional connection in this novel. I was hoping for at least a little angst or something like that after the death of the narrator's dad and all that, but nope. Nada. Just look at this excerpt.
"Man," I say, feeling so sad for Toby. "It really is sad."
I as a reader can barely sympathize, let alone empathize right now. Yes, people die. And yeah, it's sad. But there's nothing wrong with a little human reaction to it. Nope. Apparently that was too much to ask here though.
The scene I was really looking for was the one when Guy found a note his father left. I no longer feel like looking for it because I feel like I've wasted enough of my time both reading this novel and writing a review for it. There may be other things I should also mention, but my dog is now begging me for a walk, and I feel like he deserves some attention from me after I've neglected him to write this. So that is it for now.
(Actually, maybe it's a good thing my dog is stopping me from writing any more than I have. This review is already well over two thousand words long. Hopefully the next novel I read will not be as viciously torn apart. Mostly because I have better things to do with my time.)
February 15, 2019
Guy Langman, a cocky Jewish teen, is coping with the loss of his dad so he decides to write a mantra of "How to live your best life and words of advice" from his Dad. His friend, Anoop, persuades him to join the Forensics Club (mainly because of a pretty girl).
From there, the plot moves very quickly including a break in, lackluster interest in school, a criminal lurking in the shadows, hot girls, a hacker, and a DEAD body (AAAAAHHHH!!!)
The book treats the teens, all of them, in a very realistic fashion. There's a lot of "locker room" talk amongst the boys (but the thing that the author has done with that though, while the guys talk about the girls' sex appeal or make crude/inappropriate jokes about anything, they're clearly MORE interested in the girls' personalities themselves, also never pressing their attentions on them (You never tell a girl you like her because then you look like an idiot, Duh!) and the girls in return, also don't take any crap from any of the boys.) The issues that each of the teens in Forensics club face on their own: racial profiling, social prejudices, friendships, bullying, stereotypes, self-image are sadly as relevant as always.
The issues the book deals with: mostly coping and life-goals, among others that I can't say without giving away the plot, are also portrayed in a very thoughtful and honest manner.
There is some foul language and some innuendo humor (shock face, they're teenage boys)....Only negative is that Guy Langman is not always a particularly likeable protagonist. He's a smart ass. He's very opinionated and mouthy (but that is also part of his emotional state)...but Guy is also smart and very faithful/loyal to others and his commitments, even if he is a procrastinator.
But I cried at one point (the story was hitting a bit too close for home for me), but it was a quick listen and the audio book narrator (Jim Meskinnen) does a very nice job.
From there, the plot moves very quickly including a break in, lackluster interest in school, a criminal lurking in the shadows, hot girls, a hacker, and a DEAD body (AAAAAHHHH!!!)
The book treats the teens, all of them, in a very realistic fashion. There's a lot of "locker room" talk amongst the boys (but the thing that the author has done with that though, while the guys talk about the girls' sex appeal or make crude/inappropriate jokes about anything, they're clearly MORE interested in the girls' personalities themselves, also never pressing their attentions on them (You never tell a girl you like her because then you look like an idiot, Duh!) and the girls in return, also don't take any crap from any of the boys.) The issues that each of the teens in Forensics club face on their own: racial profiling, social prejudices, friendships, bullying, stereotypes, self-image are sadly as relevant as always.
The issues the book deals with: mostly coping and life-goals, among others that I can't say without giving away the plot, are also portrayed in a very thoughtful and honest manner.
There is some foul language and some innuendo humor (shock face, they're teenage boys)....Only negative is that Guy Langman is not always a particularly likeable protagonist. He's a smart ass. He's very opinionated and mouthy (but that is also part of his emotional state)...but Guy is also smart and very faithful/loyal to others and his commitments, even if he is a procrastinator.
But I cried at one point (the story was hitting a bit too close for home for me), but it was a quick listen and the audio book narrator (Jim Meskinnen) does a very nice job.
June 20, 2021
Poorly written.
Contradicting details, weird pacing - the ‘murder’ doesn’t happen till 3/4 way through the book, red herring doesn’t even feel believable, main character tries to be funny but isn’t, and is super lazy, yet he’s supposed to be one of the top of his class - overall just comes across as annoying, the murder ends up being a suicide. There’s a large stretch made from coins being stolen (which the main character told the thief about anyway when he later says that he never tells people about it) to the thief being a blood crazed murderer hunting down the main character who then turns out to not be the thief and is actually the main characters brother and supposedly the nicest guy in NY, the actual thief just gives coins back and doesn’t face any consequences and as already said the red herring was laughable. And for a forensics squad it seems that all they learn about is how to take a fingerprint...that’s it...
If it’s supposed to be a coming of age/contemporary story, don’t market it as a mystery...
This book annoyed me, that’s the best way to sum it up. The only good thing about it is that I finished it, but I think that says more about me than it does about the book...
Plot/pacing = poor
Characters = poor
Humour = poor
Romance = poor
Detecting skills/mystery = poor
L **(1f but more frequency)
M *
S ** (vulgar jokes)
Contradicting details, weird pacing - the ‘murder’ doesn’t happen till 3/4 way through the book, red herring doesn’t even feel believable, main character tries to be funny but isn’t, and is super lazy, yet he’s supposed to be one of the top of his class - overall just comes across as annoying, the murder ends up being a suicide. There’s a large stretch made from coins being stolen (which the main character told the thief about anyway when he later says that he never tells people about it) to the thief being a blood crazed murderer hunting down the main character who then turns out to not be the thief and is actually the main characters brother and supposedly the nicest guy in NY, the actual thief just gives coins back and doesn’t face any consequences and as already said the red herring was laughable. And for a forensics squad it seems that all they learn about is how to take a fingerprint...that’s it...
If it’s supposed to be a coming of age/contemporary story, don’t market it as a mystery...
This book annoyed me, that’s the best way to sum it up. The only good thing about it is that I finished it, but I think that says more about me than it does about the book...
Plot/pacing = poor
Characters = poor
Humour = poor
Romance = poor
Detecting skills/mystery = poor
L **(1f but more frequency)
M *
S ** (vulgar jokes)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 15, 2018
It says 2 stars means "OK." Seems low, but I am not part of the intended audience for this book. It is for adolescent boys, and I imagine many of them will be amused by the crude jokes. The characters are basically good kids, living relatively privileged lives, attending a school where the student parking lot is filled with nice cars. The real crimes that some students in the after-school forensics club deal with provides the main stated plot, but the real interest comes with Guy Langman's learning about life in the wake of his father's death, the challenges of relationships, and the advantages of setting aside the video games and embracing life.
December 20, 2018
This book lacked a decent climax/plot/thriller/mystery point. It was a lot of static storytelling with the biggest parts of the story occurring very close to the end, and thus wrapping up way to quickly. A slow build to a let down of the plot. It was enjoyable to listen to as an audiobook, but I probably would have abandoned it if I was physically reading it. The audiobook narrator was the huge win of this book for me.
February 8, 2022
This was a cute book, in that silly/annoying 8th grade boys giggling when someone says "boobies," "fart," etc and cursing for the sake of cursing kind of way. Not a lot of depth, and some inappropriate racial "jokes" (that I didn't find funny_ like young boys sometimes make. Not too sure I'd recommend this book unless you're looking to waste six hours that you'll never get back.
May 23, 2017
His sense of humor is a lot like mine - "Yeah, it wasn't that funny even in my head." Plus, also like me, he's fundamentally lazy but passionate about certain things.
August 9, 2017
Funny read. Great for teen boys. Does deal with death of Guy's father, but not in an overly dark way. Interesting mystery.
January 2, 2018
Good ending, bad book, tries way to hard to be a stream of consciousness book instead of just telling the story through his eyes
December 18, 2018
Definite humor and charming protagonist make this a quick and entertaining read. The novel seems to end abruptly, but it has moments of tension-filed intensity prior.
March 14, 2019
What a good book.
March 14, 2019
Good first-person novel. This book displays all his thoughts and emotions with modern day teens. I highly recommend this book.
June 12, 2019
Laugh out loud funny.
Great for teenage boys as the humor is right on target and his observations are just so boyish.
Great for teenage boys as the humor is right on target and his observations are just so boyish.
November 30, 2019
Very funny!
May 21, 2020
Great YA book, was a wonderful quick read!
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