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320 pages, Paperback
First published January 2, 2013
First we have a background re-hash. This is unwise, as the more details we have the more ridiculous the story is. For example, we learn precisely what Courtney did to earn her indefinite stay in a mental institute. It seems that one day she and Alison were fighting, and when caught with her hands around her sister’s throat Courtney not unreasonably tried the classic “she started it” excuse. Usually this results in a sibling draw and a stern parental talking-to. However in this household it directly results in Courtney being labelled a paranoid schizophrenic, shipped off to a mental institute and forgotten about. This seems somewhat of an overreaction even before we are explicitly told that Courtney was 9 years old when her family had her permanently committed. I know there’s one rule for the rich and another for the poor but seriously, how did they get away with this unquestioned?
The family’s next stupid move is to move house and change their name from Day-DiLaurentis to DiLaurentis in order to confuse their old neighbours, as “Day” is clearly the memorable part of the name. Thus no-one will ever find them or remember that there were twins, especially not their new next-door neighbour who is secretly the father of those twins. Good plan. Makes sense. Doing well already Sara. Then we have to hear more about the frigging flag hunt thing, bane of my PLL-reading existence, with which Shepard seems obsessed despite its irrelevance. Eventually, after the flag has been sufficiently discussed, we get a participant-focused description of the infamous twin “switcheroo” that has since caused so much pain and hardship for all, particularly the readers. Turns out that Courtney simply went outside to talk to the proto-PLLs (who were outside because of the whole flag thing, which I refuse to discuss further) and waited until her parents grabbed the first child they could find and dragged her off to an insane asylum. Bad luck Ali. Shame that your mother, father and brother are all negligent idiots.
So despite this book supposedly being Ali-centric she’s out of the picture before the end of the prologue. Instead we get to hear the adventures of Courtney, who is confusingly referred to as Ali for the majority of the book. Ali meanwhile is now referred to as either Courtney or “Courtney”, depending on whether or not Shepard can remember her own back-story. CourtAli’s adventures basically consist of waiting around for the PLL series to begin, and since we already know what’s going to happen there is literally no excitement or suspense whatsoever. Instead we have to listen to 5 rich tweens bitching about their school-mates and talking about clothes and boys. How is this supposed to make a novel?
Pretty much nothing whatsoever happens. More things are incorrectly labelled “über”. People bicker about boys who will later end up dead, discover secrets that we already know and obsess about the same things as they will 4 years later. Mike is as big as pervert as usual, even though he’s only 12. Everyone is an idiot. The only thing this book actually achieves is making the story seem stupider. The twin-swap storyline was beyond ridiculous even before this book told us that apparently the DiLaurentis family are visiting Ali in the mental institute regularly, and yet she is still completely unable to think of a single thing to say that would prove her identity. This is a girl who is supposedly an evil genius, yet she can’t come up with a single fact known to her but not to Courtney that would make either her parents or brother even a little suspicious of her true identity? Even when she’s allowed to come home and wander around the DiLaurentis house unattended she can’t find a way of swapping places with Courtney again. Yet we’re constantly reminded that she’s a master-manipulator and can wrap Courtney around her little finger given half a chance. How does any of this make sense?
Nothing much happens to CourtAli except that even she seems to be being stalked by Real Ali, despite Real Ali being still incarcerated. But Ali can haunt people from beyond the grave even when she’s not actually dead, so a bit of impossible stalking is hardly a challenge for her. Mrs DiLaurentis keeps mentioning the giant hole in the back garden so often that I begin to suspect the upcoming revelation that she planned the twin-murder from the beginning. Sadly, instead of anything new happening we just get yet more of the same old story. Eventually AliCourt reappears and kills Court Ali, in exactly the manner we already read about. And that’s it.
Stupidest Names
Lara Fiori
Garrett Flagg
Reed Cohen
Dara Artz
Most Worrying Metaphor
“Ali” on excluding her friends:
“It wasn’t to be mean, exactly. It reminded her of what Spencer’s labradoodles, Rufus and Beatrice, did …They would play for a while, and then Rufus would climb on top of Beatrice and pin her down to remind her who was the alpha.”
Most Concerning Physical Reaction
“Aria’s eyes were shining, almost spinning”
“There was definitely a stigma to having a daughter or sister in a loony bin. People might assume the DiLaurentises were bad parents for putting her there. Or maybe they’d assume the rest of the family was crazy, too.”
