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Forgiving Our Fathers And Mothers
“If our families are to flourish, we will need to learn and practice ways of forgiving those who have had the greatest impact upon us: our mothers and fathers.”
Many of us struggle with the deep pain of a broken relationship with a parent. In a unique style that seamlessly moves between analysis, biblical interpretation, and memoir, Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers offers portraits of authentic forgiveness that model ways to repair those relationships.
The authors share their own experiences with forgiveness, providing comfort and hope to those wrestling with questions like these:
What does the Bible say about forgiveness? Why must we forgive at all?How do we honor those who act dishonorably toward us, especially when they are as influential as our parents? Can we ever break free from the “sins of our fathers”?What does forgiveness look like in real life? Do I have to let an estranged parent back into my life? How do I forgive a parent who has passed away?
Fields connects true stories with scriptural support for encouragement, while Hubbard’s chapter-ending commentaries add a clinical perspective. Their hope is that we gain a greater understanding of ourselves, our parents, and our God, arriving at “a place of freedom that we cannot even imagine now, a freedom that promises to begin to heal the brokenness of the world itself.”
Many of us struggle with the deep pain of a broken relationship with a parent. In a unique style that seamlessly moves between analysis, biblical interpretation, and memoir, Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers offers portraits of authentic forgiveness that model ways to repair those relationships.
The authors share their own experiences with forgiveness, providing comfort and hope to those wrestling with questions like these:
What does the Bible say about forgiveness? Why must we forgive at all?How do we honor those who act dishonorably toward us, especially when they are as influential as our parents? Can we ever break free from the “sins of our fathers”?What does forgiveness look like in real life? Do I have to let an estranged parent back into my life? How do I forgive a parent who has passed away?
Fields connects true stories with scriptural support for encouragement, while Hubbard’s chapter-ending commentaries add a clinical perspective. Their hope is that we gain a greater understanding of ourselves, our parents, and our God, arriving at “a place of freedom that we cannot even imagine now, a freedom that promises to begin to heal the brokenness of the world itself.”
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 14, 2014
79 people are currently reading
449 people want to read
About the author
Leslie Leyland Fields
31 books132 followersWhen you see her, Leslie may be wearing a silk dress and fishnets or wearing Xtra-Tuff boots and mending fishing nets, depending on whether she’s at her fishcamp in the Alaska wilderness or on a speaking tour “Outside.” She’s happy in both places talking about the books, places and topics that move her most.
She's the multi-award winning author of 12 books, with her 12th forthcoming in April, 2020. (Your Story Matters) Her list includes Crossing the Waters: Following Jesus through the Storms, the Fish, the Doubt and the Seas; Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers; The Spirit of Food: 34 Writers on Feasting and Fasting Toward God (Cascade), Surviving the Island of Grace: A Life on the Wild Edge of America (Thomas Dunne), and Parenting is Your Highest Calling . . . and Eight Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt (Waterbrook), and five others. Her essays have won a number of awards and have appeared in The Atlantic Monthly, Christianity Today, Beliefnet, Books and Culture, Orion, etc. She takes on garbage, a theology of the body, culture-making, motherhood, narrative theology and points between and beyond. Her essays have won Pushcart nominations, the William Wilberforce Award and the Virginia Faulkner Award.
“As much as I love words on the page, I’m not fully satisfied until I get to speak them in person with others,” Leslie adds. She says she’s honored to travel and share from her passions nationally and internationally at conferences, universities, churches and retreats. With three master’s degrees, she has taught collegiate and undergraduate classes for many years, including six years in Seattle Pacific University’s MFA program. If she can’t see her audience, radio is a good second. She has appeared on more than 150 radio shows including Family Life Today, Prime Time America, Keepin' the Faith, Chris Fabry Live!
Leslie blogs at www.leslieleylandfields.com about life in her house, in the wild and on the road. She lives in Kodiak, Alaska with her husband and two teens. In the summer, her four older children return to their fishcamp island where cell phones don’t work, and where they all happily (sometimes) work together in commercial salmon fishing. You can reach her at leslieleylandfields@gmail.com
She's the multi-award winning author of 12 books, with her 12th forthcoming in April, 2020. (Your Story Matters) Her list includes Crossing the Waters: Following Jesus through the Storms, the Fish, the Doubt and the Seas; Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers; The Spirit of Food: 34 Writers on Feasting and Fasting Toward God (Cascade), Surviving the Island of Grace: A Life on the Wild Edge of America (Thomas Dunne), and Parenting is Your Highest Calling . . . and Eight Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt (Waterbrook), and five others. Her essays have won a number of awards and have appeared in The Atlantic Monthly, Christianity Today, Beliefnet, Books and Culture, Orion, etc. She takes on garbage, a theology of the body, culture-making, motherhood, narrative theology and points between and beyond. Her essays have won Pushcart nominations, the William Wilberforce Award and the Virginia Faulkner Award.
“As much as I love words on the page, I’m not fully satisfied until I get to speak them in person with others,” Leslie adds. She says she’s honored to travel and share from her passions nationally and internationally at conferences, universities, churches and retreats. With three master’s degrees, she has taught collegiate and undergraduate classes for many years, including six years in Seattle Pacific University’s MFA program. If she can’t see her audience, radio is a good second. She has appeared on more than 150 radio shows including Family Life Today, Prime Time America, Keepin' the Faith, Chris Fabry Live!
Leslie blogs at www.leslieleylandfields.com about life in her house, in the wild and on the road. She lives in Kodiak, Alaska with her husband and two teens. In the summer, her four older children return to their fishcamp island where cell phones don’t work, and where they all happily (sometimes) work together in commercial salmon fishing. You can reach her at leslieleylandfields@gmail.com
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 57 reviews
September 19, 2013
Although this is a book primarily about forgiving our parents, its lessons are for anyone who has been wounded deeply by the very people who were supposed to love and protect us the most. Fields goes far beyond the dry duty and Scriptural "shoulds" of forgiveness. Instead, she tells her story like a love song, peeling back the layers of the process to expose the beauty of forgiveness for the sake of the one who extends it. Fields tells the story of her and her siblings' forgiveness of a father who was cold, emotionally absent, and unrepentant of the deep damage he inflicted on his children. She walks us through their process of not only letting go of the injustices done them, to then learning to pour out Christ-like love on a man who, to the end, never acknowledged his need to be forgiven. The end result is a picture of the way God loves us: lavishly, undeservedly, faithfully.
A beautiful look at why we forgive anyone who doesn't deserve--or necessarily even want--to be forgiven.
A beautiful look at why we forgive anyone who doesn't deserve--or necessarily even want--to be forgiven.
August 25, 2013
Every one of us leaves childhood wounded, in large or small ways, by our parents. We are born into family systems that bring with them blessings and curses, usually both. How do we forgive our parents, who themselves carry wounds from their own childhoods? This is the question Leslie Leyland Fields asks in this spiritually rich meditation on forgiving people who so often don't think they need to be forgiven. She traces her own journey with her father as well as the experiences of several other Christians. What she ends up offering is a framework for forgiveness that takes Jesus' commends seriously and literally, without kowtowing to either self-help or emotionless duty. This is a prime example of practical theology done well.
July 12, 2014
Months ago when I browsed the options at BookLook Bloggers, I noticed that one of the books I could review was written by Leslie Leyland Fields, a fellow member of the Redbud Writers Guild.
I knew Leslie only through our interactions in the Redbud Facebook group, but what I observed of her life intrigued me. Leslie is a successful author and speaker. She lives with her family on an island in Alaska – from the pictures she posts on Facebook, it looks as though she lives amidst breathtaking beauty. And Leslie and I graduated from the same university, though years apart. Additionally, Leslie had been kind and encouraging when I had received a few harsh comments on my first published piece.
Since I hadn’t read any of Leslie’s books, I thought this would be a great chance. I requested the book from BookLook and waited excitedly for it to come. Because of a backorder the book didn’t actually reach me for several months, at which time I was in the middle of another review book!
But when I did come, I read it. And underlined. And starred. And texted a few people to tell them to add it to their reading list. I thought it would be a book I would fly through and read in just a few days. But it was a book that I pondered.
Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers is a bit awkward to review because, of course, everyone assumes that it means that you’re reading it with your parents in mind. But that’s not always true. While Leslie focuses on family members, specifically relaying her own journey to forgive her father, her words hold truth for everyone.
By most people’s standards, Leslie’s father wasn’t worthy of respect. He left his family, a wife and six children, multiple times. Since he couldn’t provide for the family, Leslie and her siblings grew up hungry and underprivileged. As an adult, Leslie found out that he had sexually abused his daughter, Leslie’s sister, for years.
Even while Leslie made heartfelt attempts at reconciliation and a relationship, her father remained mostly disinterested in her life and her family. But Leslie (along with her siblings) continued the difficult journey to understand and honor their father. And as she grew to know and understand him, she grew to forgive him as well.
Woven throughout the book is the story of Jonah, the Old Testament prophet. Leslie masterfully draws the connections between Jonah’s inability to look past the Ninevites’ sins to our own inability to look past the sins of our family members. Leslie also includes stories from others who have learned to forgive – some of these are the same stories that compelled her to write this book.
I am most grateful that Leslie doesn’t advocate for a pithy forgiveness. She doesn’t suggest that you sweep injuries under the rug or into a closet, to grow into a skeleton. Instead, she writes a chapter about “daring to confess”, encouraging readers to tell their stories. Leslie says: “We remember now all that was done, because we will not know the right until we acknowledge the wrong.”
Later in the book, Leslie writes: “Honoring takes many forms, as varied as personalities, needs and circumstances.” She goes on to share multiple ways that people are honoring their parents, even in little ways. She continues saying, “For many adult children, honoring can take bolder forms – such as resistance and refusal to continue destructive patterns or wrong decisions.”
In this way, Leslie’s words are holistic. She doesn’t naively assume that forgiveness will look the same in every relationship. While Christian books focusing on forgiveness can sometimes be simplistic and one-note, Leslie provides a thoughtful, comprehensive guide.
Additionally, each chapter ends with a note from Dr. Jill Hubbard, a clinical psychologist and radio host. Dr. Hubbard turns Leslie’s “why” of forgiveness into an application by telling us “how” to forgive.
I don’t know where you are emotionally or relationally as you read these words. But I believe that many of you can think of someone who has hurt or disappointed. Someone who you thought you could trust. Perhaps it was a friend? A sibling or parent? An in-law? God? Or perhaps that person you couldn’t possibly forgive is yourself.
Although many people may need to read this book because of broken relationships, this book isn’t just for someone holding a grudge. Let’s remember that forgiveness is at the heart of Christianity, nestled there in the middle of the Lord’s prayer and amongst Jesus’ few words from the cross. Forgiveness is “the living out of a daily decision to extend of others what God has extended first to us.”
**I received a free copy of this book through Book Look Bloggers in exchange for an honest review. Originally posted on my blog at www.calliegloriosomays.com
I knew Leslie only through our interactions in the Redbud Facebook group, but what I observed of her life intrigued me. Leslie is a successful author and speaker. She lives with her family on an island in Alaska – from the pictures she posts on Facebook, it looks as though she lives amidst breathtaking beauty. And Leslie and I graduated from the same university, though years apart. Additionally, Leslie had been kind and encouraging when I had received a few harsh comments on my first published piece.
Since I hadn’t read any of Leslie’s books, I thought this would be a great chance. I requested the book from BookLook and waited excitedly for it to come. Because of a backorder the book didn’t actually reach me for several months, at which time I was in the middle of another review book!
But when I did come, I read it. And underlined. And starred. And texted a few people to tell them to add it to their reading list. I thought it would be a book I would fly through and read in just a few days. But it was a book that I pondered.
Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers is a bit awkward to review because, of course, everyone assumes that it means that you’re reading it with your parents in mind. But that’s not always true. While Leslie focuses on family members, specifically relaying her own journey to forgive her father, her words hold truth for everyone.
By most people’s standards, Leslie’s father wasn’t worthy of respect. He left his family, a wife and six children, multiple times. Since he couldn’t provide for the family, Leslie and her siblings grew up hungry and underprivileged. As an adult, Leslie found out that he had sexually abused his daughter, Leslie’s sister, for years.
Even while Leslie made heartfelt attempts at reconciliation and a relationship, her father remained mostly disinterested in her life and her family. But Leslie (along with her siblings) continued the difficult journey to understand and honor their father. And as she grew to know and understand him, she grew to forgive him as well.
Woven throughout the book is the story of Jonah, the Old Testament prophet. Leslie masterfully draws the connections between Jonah’s inability to look past the Ninevites’ sins to our own inability to look past the sins of our family members. Leslie also includes stories from others who have learned to forgive – some of these are the same stories that compelled her to write this book.
I am most grateful that Leslie doesn’t advocate for a pithy forgiveness. She doesn’t suggest that you sweep injuries under the rug or into a closet, to grow into a skeleton. Instead, she writes a chapter about “daring to confess”, encouraging readers to tell their stories. Leslie says: “We remember now all that was done, because we will not know the right until we acknowledge the wrong.”
Later in the book, Leslie writes: “Honoring takes many forms, as varied as personalities, needs and circumstances.” She goes on to share multiple ways that people are honoring their parents, even in little ways. She continues saying, “For many adult children, honoring can take bolder forms – such as resistance and refusal to continue destructive patterns or wrong decisions.”
In this way, Leslie’s words are holistic. She doesn’t naively assume that forgiveness will look the same in every relationship. While Christian books focusing on forgiveness can sometimes be simplistic and one-note, Leslie provides a thoughtful, comprehensive guide.
Additionally, each chapter ends with a note from Dr. Jill Hubbard, a clinical psychologist and radio host. Dr. Hubbard turns Leslie’s “why” of forgiveness into an application by telling us “how” to forgive.
I don’t know where you are emotionally or relationally as you read these words. But I believe that many of you can think of someone who has hurt or disappointed. Someone who you thought you could trust. Perhaps it was a friend? A sibling or parent? An in-law? God? Or perhaps that person you couldn’t possibly forgive is yourself.
Although many people may need to read this book because of broken relationships, this book isn’t just for someone holding a grudge. Let’s remember that forgiveness is at the heart of Christianity, nestled there in the middle of the Lord’s prayer and amongst Jesus’ few words from the cross. Forgiveness is “the living out of a daily decision to extend of others what God has extended first to us.”
**I received a free copy of this book through Book Look Bloggers in exchange for an honest review. Originally posted on my blog at www.calliegloriosomays.com
February 8, 2019
Did not agree with me. It is very depressing. I did not see many techniques or words which would comfort my heart instead there was a bunch of details about bad things done by many a parent to their children.
December 31, 2013
Everyone is birthed by human parents. All human parents make mistakes. This book details beautifully the journey of reconciliation. It is a must read for those doing the work of recognizing our own flaws and humanity while forgiving our parents for theirs. This type of inner healing produces growth in maturity and restoration in relationships between all generations. A fantastic read by Leslie Leyland Fields!
July 13, 2021
I enjoyed reading this - hearing snippets of stories from other wounded people - receiving a little insight from Dr. Jill. I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to forgive my father. Not just of the past but of the present. He lived until he turned 92 on November 2 and passed on November 12. I moved him from his state where the Protective Services and Aging Services were on the phone to me me 6 at a time almost daily. My father would tell me to mind my own business. I purchased a home for him and my step-mother and moved him down near me in my state. They lived there for 7 months. I went every morning for 3-4 hours - handled meds, cooked breakfast, prepared lunch, handled fights between them (she had developed Alzheimer's) and returned in the late afternoon to evening for the same amount of time - made dinners, desserts, provided companionship - all to someone who had abused me throughout my childhood and tried to abuse, verbally / control everything from his hospital bed. I started doing this so I wouldn't have any regrets and to be the bigger person. I realized it was my way of forgiving someone who didn't deserve it - anymore than any of us do. God helped me through this and I spent many hours praying to him - especially when I would drive over at 3:00 in the morning. I had a camera to observe him in his hospital bed in the living room. I would wake up throughout the night and if I observed him in any kind of distress I drove over. He was always surprised how I got there just when he needed me. That was a good feeling - that he recognized I was always there for him. After he died I moved my step-mom to my house. My brother died of Alzheimer's May 30, 6 months later and my step-mom died a few months later. This was 3 of my six immediate family members - the other 3 had already died - a total of 6. So now that I am alone (no other "blood" relatives) I am thankful God gave me this opportunity to make my father's final months peaceful and pleasant. God bless all of you who are trying to do the same - heal from your past.
July 27, 2018
Yes this book is for forgiving our parents, but anyone who has been hurt (all of us) will find wisdom in this book using stories of those hurt and who have forgiven and through stories of Jonah and Joseph of Eygpt. Many things to contemplate.
August 9, 2014
My introduction to Leslie Leyland Fields came through a poem — a Christmas poem so beloved that I hand copied it onto a large sticky-note and carried it forward in my planner from year to year. Every December 1, before careening headlong into the drama, I am reminded with exquisite, alliterative sibilants to “Let the stable still astonish.”
Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers (FOFAM) acknowledges that everyone has a less-than-ideal upbringing, and, consequently, is at risk for providing a less-than-ideal upbringing to the next generation. “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” is the touchstone of Leslie’s thinking, and these words of Jesus were the force that drove her into the process of forgiving her father for his part in her harrowing childhood. However, rather than focusing on sordid details and darkness, FOFAM shares individual stories (including Leslie’s), with the goal of acknowledging that:
(1) Lament is an appropriate response to a painful, disappointing family background. We are not asked to “put on a happy face,” stuff it, be a good soldier, or “just put it behind you.”
(2) Forgiveness is not an end in itself, but a door that will “move us from a land of bondage out into full, spacious country with open gates, our hands open to all.”
In partnership with Dr. Jill Hubbard, clinical psychologist, Leslie has produced a didactic memoir with thought-provoking questions following each chapter. Dr. Jill takes a step back from the personal narratives, but not without sharing very personally herself.
It turns out that Leslie Leyland Fields can throw down a mean Bible story! Joseph, Jonah, and the Prodigal Son are all pressed into service as biblical embodiments of:
the power of forgiveness (Think Joseph and his conniving, cowering brothers in Egypt);
the ugly waste of unforgiveness (Think Jonah the ticked-off prophet, missing God’s compassionate heart);
and the Heavenly Father of mercy and grace who welcomes and forgives with open arms.
When a parent has utterly failed his children, even the parent’s death does not stop the mourning for a life that brought nothing but grief. Chapter 7 “Lord Have Mercy: In the Last Hours” challenges the reader to extend blessing to the offending parent, forgiving out of “Gift-love” (a concept from C.S. Lewis’s The Four Loves) even at the very end of a parent’s life.
This book by Fields and Hubbard came to my leaky mailbox in a downpour on a day when I had vacuumed fifteen gallons of water out of my house. Homeschooling had not gone well all morning, truly nothing was going well, and the house was in chaos. Enter my own dear eighty-five year old mother who has lived with us for over three years and does not handle chaos any better now than she did fifty years ago when we were first “introduced.”
“Can’t you get this stuff out of my way?” she roared, emerging from her room with Turner Classic Movies providing a dramatic musical background.
It doesn’t matter that I have forgiven Mum a hundred times for the heaviness of life as her daughter. Having read Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers, I am reminded that forgiveness is as continual, messy, necessary and freeing as the other things I do every day: finding the “sweet spot” that silences a dripping faucet; swishing the morning toothpaste-spit from the bathroom sink; wiping clean the same dining room table twenty-one times a week. Does it get old?
Oh, yes. Yes. But I am looking for redemption of “the years the locusts have eaten.” I am looking for forgiveness from my own four strong-minded sons as they race toward adult, clear-eyed perceptions of their mother whose hair is occasionally on fire. I am looking toward freedom from bitterness by “fitting the habit of mercy” in order to feel “the full force of forgiveness.”
Frequently, I remember that someone said, “Holding a grudge is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers offers a delicious alternative to the poison in a scripturally sound, sensitive, accessible, and yet challenging nine chapters.
Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers (FOFAM) acknowledges that everyone has a less-than-ideal upbringing, and, consequently, is at risk for providing a less-than-ideal upbringing to the next generation. “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” is the touchstone of Leslie’s thinking, and these words of Jesus were the force that drove her into the process of forgiving her father for his part in her harrowing childhood. However, rather than focusing on sordid details and darkness, FOFAM shares individual stories (including Leslie’s), with the goal of acknowledging that:
(1) Lament is an appropriate response to a painful, disappointing family background. We are not asked to “put on a happy face,” stuff it, be a good soldier, or “just put it behind you.”
(2) Forgiveness is not an end in itself, but a door that will “move us from a land of bondage out into full, spacious country with open gates, our hands open to all.”
In partnership with Dr. Jill Hubbard, clinical psychologist, Leslie has produced a didactic memoir with thought-provoking questions following each chapter. Dr. Jill takes a step back from the personal narratives, but not without sharing very personally herself.
It turns out that Leslie Leyland Fields can throw down a mean Bible story! Joseph, Jonah, and the Prodigal Son are all pressed into service as biblical embodiments of:
the power of forgiveness (Think Joseph and his conniving, cowering brothers in Egypt);
the ugly waste of unforgiveness (Think Jonah the ticked-off prophet, missing God’s compassionate heart);
and the Heavenly Father of mercy and grace who welcomes and forgives with open arms.
When a parent has utterly failed his children, even the parent’s death does not stop the mourning for a life that brought nothing but grief. Chapter 7 “Lord Have Mercy: In the Last Hours” challenges the reader to extend blessing to the offending parent, forgiving out of “Gift-love” (a concept from C.S. Lewis’s The Four Loves) even at the very end of a parent’s life.
This book by Fields and Hubbard came to my leaky mailbox in a downpour on a day when I had vacuumed fifteen gallons of water out of my house. Homeschooling had not gone well all morning, truly nothing was going well, and the house was in chaos. Enter my own dear eighty-five year old mother who has lived with us for over three years and does not handle chaos any better now than she did fifty years ago when we were first “introduced.”
“Can’t you get this stuff out of my way?” she roared, emerging from her room with Turner Classic Movies providing a dramatic musical background.
It doesn’t matter that I have forgiven Mum a hundred times for the heaviness of life as her daughter. Having read Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers, I am reminded that forgiveness is as continual, messy, necessary and freeing as the other things I do every day: finding the “sweet spot” that silences a dripping faucet; swishing the morning toothpaste-spit from the bathroom sink; wiping clean the same dining room table twenty-one times a week. Does it get old?
Oh, yes. Yes. But I am looking for redemption of “the years the locusts have eaten.” I am looking for forgiveness from my own four strong-minded sons as they race toward adult, clear-eyed perceptions of their mother whose hair is occasionally on fire. I am looking toward freedom from bitterness by “fitting the habit of mercy” in order to feel “the full force of forgiveness.”
Frequently, I remember that someone said, “Holding a grudge is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers offers a delicious alternative to the poison in a scripturally sound, sensitive, accessible, and yet challenging nine chapters.
April 8, 2014
One of the hardest things to do is to forgive the people who have hurt you, and when the people who have hurt you happen to be one or both of your parents, then it can be almost impossible to forgive. However, as followers of Christ, we are called to, no, commanded to forgive those who have sinned against us. When it comes to our parents, we are called not only to forgive, but to honor them as well. It is with this in mind that Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers: Finding Freedom from Hurt and Hate by Leslie Leyland Fields with Dr. Jill Hubbard was written. Written primarily by Mrs. Fields with chapter ending commentary by Dr. Hubbard, this book takes the reader on an unforgettable journey through Mrs. Fields' struggle in forgiving her father from past wrongs done to her, as well as excerpts of stories from others who have endured hurt and heartache from one or both of their parents. At the end of each chapter, Dr. Hubbard gives pointed commentary from her professional point of view, but with a Christian perspective that is both refreshing and encouraging.
Take note that this this book is not written from a secular point of view; this is unashamedly Christian in heart and soul. Mrs. Fields tells her readers in no uncertain terms that forgiveness is not optional, nor is the dishonoring of our parents, no matter how much they have hurt us. Mrs. Fields backs up her writing with biblical scripture that is not taken out of context, but given to the reader in the appropriate context of the story being told at the time, not only from the biblical text, but also from the story she is relating to her reader at that moment in her book.
This book personally for me was hard to read, and will be harder still for me to use. I have been hurt in the past by both of my parents in various aspects and although this has been part of my testimony, or for those who are not Christian, the story of my life that makes me, me, reading this book was an eye-opening experience. Regardless of whether you are a follower of Christ or not, harboring resentment or bitterness towards one or both parents for whatever reason will cause you issues in your own life. It is only when you are able to forgive those that have hurt you, your parent or parents included, that you truly free yourself from the chains of bitterness and resentment that weigh down your spirit, that tear down your soul. This book takes you on a journey, again from a Christian vantage point, to a place that will help you learn why you need to forgive your parent or parents, and then if that is what you choose, help you to find the courage and tools to do so. Just be aware that if you are not a follower of Christ, the tools given may not be what you want to use!
Overall, the book is short, with only 205 pages of written materials, plus a notes section and is a quick read. I do not recommend reading through it quickly though. At the end of each chapter, after Dr. Hubbard's section, are study questions given to the reader. I would suggest you use these questions to help you through your issues of forgiveness. This book is a tool. If you need it, then use it!
I am giving this book 5 stars and I am recommending it to anyone who needs to forgive their parents, or anyone else that needs forgiveness for that matter.
The necessary legal disclaimer: I was allowed to read a copy of "Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers: Finding Freedom from Hurt and Hate" by Leslie Leyland Fields with Dr. Jill Hubbard by Thomas Nelson Publishing. My review of this book is in no way influenced by receiving the advanced copy; my review is my own.
Take note that this this book is not written from a secular point of view; this is unashamedly Christian in heart and soul. Mrs. Fields tells her readers in no uncertain terms that forgiveness is not optional, nor is the dishonoring of our parents, no matter how much they have hurt us. Mrs. Fields backs up her writing with biblical scripture that is not taken out of context, but given to the reader in the appropriate context of the story being told at the time, not only from the biblical text, but also from the story she is relating to her reader at that moment in her book.
This book personally for me was hard to read, and will be harder still for me to use. I have been hurt in the past by both of my parents in various aspects and although this has been part of my testimony, or for those who are not Christian, the story of my life that makes me, me, reading this book was an eye-opening experience. Regardless of whether you are a follower of Christ or not, harboring resentment or bitterness towards one or both parents for whatever reason will cause you issues in your own life. It is only when you are able to forgive those that have hurt you, your parent or parents included, that you truly free yourself from the chains of bitterness and resentment that weigh down your spirit, that tear down your soul. This book takes you on a journey, again from a Christian vantage point, to a place that will help you learn why you need to forgive your parent or parents, and then if that is what you choose, help you to find the courage and tools to do so. Just be aware that if you are not a follower of Christ, the tools given may not be what you want to use!
Overall, the book is short, with only 205 pages of written materials, plus a notes section and is a quick read. I do not recommend reading through it quickly though. At the end of each chapter, after Dr. Hubbard's section, are study questions given to the reader. I would suggest you use these questions to help you through your issues of forgiveness. This book is a tool. If you need it, then use it!
I am giving this book 5 stars and I am recommending it to anyone who needs to forgive their parents, or anyone else that needs forgiveness for that matter.
The necessary legal disclaimer: I was allowed to read a copy of "Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers: Finding Freedom from Hurt and Hate" by Leslie Leyland Fields with Dr. Jill Hubbard by Thomas Nelson Publishing. My review of this book is in no way influenced by receiving the advanced copy; my review is my own.
January 24, 2014
My initial response to Forgiving Our Fathers And Mothers is simply this: it taught me a lot not only about forgiveness, but also how I view myself as a parent. I learned a lot about forgiving myself. Perhaps this is because I didn't go into it with deep-seated hurts from my parents; I have been blessed in my relationships with them. But still I found so much truth in these pages for my relationships with my parents, my friends, my family, myself. Forgiveness is essential to our lives. In the introduction Leslie Leyland Fields unpacks her reasons for pursuing this particular topic: medical findings have shown its importance, it is freeing, restoring, good. She concludes the introduction: "There are many reasons to begin this path: To silence your memories. To forget what's been done to you. To unlock your own hard heart and walk about free. To do good to someone who doesn't deserve it. To restore a relationship." This path to a life of forgiveness is not an easy one, but it is worth every step.
Leslie, along with Dr. Jill Hubbard who wrote an afterword to each chapter, touch on the depth and breadth of this path to a life of forgiveness, essentially asking the question: How do we honor our parents, and protect and free ourselves, when they have injured us? So often the hurts we hold cause us to run from forgiveness, but then Leslie argues that is how we are abandoning ourselves. God's forgiveness is so complete and when we endeavor to be like Him, we can learn to forgive as He does. The reminders come again and again that God's forgiveness frees us "to love more fully" (LLF) and that He "is greater than the power of our past" (Dr. Jill). So to forgive makes us more who we are purposed to be now and tomorrow.
One of the most important aspects of this book is the reminder that our parents (or anyone who has harmed us) are just as human as we are. As Leslie recounts from an interview, "She sees them [her parents] as fellow human beings suffering under the weight of their own inheritances." What an incredible reminder. Just as we are human, so are they; just as we are forgiven, our debt paid, so are they, so is theirs. "We are a found, forgiven, celebrated people," Leslie reminds us, and we are given a gift: grace. I scribbled a note in the margin, a reminder for myself: "Grace is received." Each of us much receive the gift and there are times we must offer it to others and to ourselves.
This is an important book. Life stories are shared, scripture is searched, truth is revealed. There is a lot to struggle through, questions to find answers for, hurts to heal. I hope you will read it to understand something of your own heart, give a new perspective to your past, give a new hope to your future. For as Leslie reminds us: "As long as there is breath, there is hope for truth-telling, forgiveness, and reconciliation." -LLF
This review also appears on amazon.com.
Leslie, along with Dr. Jill Hubbard who wrote an afterword to each chapter, touch on the depth and breadth of this path to a life of forgiveness, essentially asking the question: How do we honor our parents, and protect and free ourselves, when they have injured us? So often the hurts we hold cause us to run from forgiveness, but then Leslie argues that is how we are abandoning ourselves. God's forgiveness is so complete and when we endeavor to be like Him, we can learn to forgive as He does. The reminders come again and again that God's forgiveness frees us "to love more fully" (LLF) and that He "is greater than the power of our past" (Dr. Jill). So to forgive makes us more who we are purposed to be now and tomorrow.
One of the most important aspects of this book is the reminder that our parents (or anyone who has harmed us) are just as human as we are. As Leslie recounts from an interview, "She sees them [her parents] as fellow human beings suffering under the weight of their own inheritances." What an incredible reminder. Just as we are human, so are they; just as we are forgiven, our debt paid, so are they, so is theirs. "We are a found, forgiven, celebrated people," Leslie reminds us, and we are given a gift: grace. I scribbled a note in the margin, a reminder for myself: "Grace is received." Each of us much receive the gift and there are times we must offer it to others and to ourselves.
This is an important book. Life stories are shared, scripture is searched, truth is revealed. There is a lot to struggle through, questions to find answers for, hurts to heal. I hope you will read it to understand something of your own heart, give a new perspective to your past, give a new hope to your future. For as Leslie reminds us: "As long as there is breath, there is hope for truth-telling, forgiveness, and reconciliation." -LLF
This review also appears on amazon.com.
March 3, 2019
Crazy to think this book took me 3 years to finish.
It's definitely not the kind of book that you race through. Chances are, if you are interested in reading this book, you will be challenged by it. You might be tempted to skip the study questions, but don't. There's not much else I have to say about this book except that it is worthy of your time.
It's definitely not the kind of book that you race through. Chances are, if you are interested in reading this book, you will be challenged by it. You might be tempted to skip the study questions, but don't. There's not much else I have to say about this book except that it is worthy of your time.
December 24, 2014
I absolutely wished this book had been written years ago!
I really needed to read this book!
I have been struggling with forgiveness of my father for years and have had all kinds of issues
with his abandonment. It affected the way I have dealt with men my whole life.
It affected the way I related to my husband and father - in - law.
I have tried to be the good daughter and over and over again I would let my father in my life to be hurt over and over and over. I finally had had enough and I removed him from my life all together, but it did nothing for the hurt, pain, and eating away of my soul.
In the bible the Ten Commandments say, "Honor thy mother and father", but I was struggling with this. I know God sees all and knows what I struggle with.
After reading this book I realized I am not the only one who is affected by issues with a parent.
After reading others stories and how it affected them and how they dealt with their issues, it made me feel I can do this!!
I now feel as if I can forgive as God forgives me. I also have the tools I need to forgive my father while setting boundaries.
If you are struggling with issues of forgiveness of a parent(s) please read this book! Do not go another day without reading it!
I would love to tell the author's "THANK YOU". I really needed this book and I am going to keep it handy so I can go back and read when I need encouragement!
** I received this complimentary book from Book Look for my review and opinions. **
I really needed to read this book!
I have been struggling with forgiveness of my father for years and have had all kinds of issues
with his abandonment. It affected the way I have dealt with men my whole life.
It affected the way I related to my husband and father - in - law.
I have tried to be the good daughter and over and over again I would let my father in my life to be hurt over and over and over. I finally had had enough and I removed him from my life all together, but it did nothing for the hurt, pain, and eating away of my soul.
In the bible the Ten Commandments say, "Honor thy mother and father", but I was struggling with this. I know God sees all and knows what I struggle with.
After reading this book I realized I am not the only one who is affected by issues with a parent.
After reading others stories and how it affected them and how they dealt with their issues, it made me feel I can do this!!
I now feel as if I can forgive as God forgives me. I also have the tools I need to forgive my father while setting boundaries.
If you are struggling with issues of forgiveness of a parent(s) please read this book! Do not go another day without reading it!
I would love to tell the author's "THANK YOU". I really needed this book and I am going to keep it handy so I can go back and read when I need encouragement!
** I received this complimentary book from Book Look for my review and opinions. **
January 23, 2014
Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers arrived in my mailbox the day I arrived at an impasse with one of my parents. It's essentially the same roadblock I've been running into for my entire adult life. I was primed to read this and finished it in three days. Not only is Leyland Fields a great writer, she has tremendous integrity on topic. Raised by a father who struggled with mental illness and was mostly absent, Leyland Fields does not exhort her readers to forgive from a detached, academic perspective. She's been there and thankfully done that which allows her to empathize with those of us who have been hurt or disappointed by our parents. If you have struggled to let go of bitterness, anger, or unforgiveness with one or both of your parents, you will be encouraged and challenged by this offering. (And if you have never been hurt by your parents but minister to those who have been, trust me, you won't be skipping pages.) The book is grounded in Scripture and fleshed out by real life experiences. The study questions at the end of each chapter are also insightful and worth working through. WARNING-I would not advise reading this in public spaces unless you don't mind crying in front of total strangers. I started it while on the elliptical at the gym and had to put it down. It's an incredibly moving book.
March 24, 2014
After listening to Leslie Leyland Fields share with the audience her own dysfunctional childhood at the 2014 Hearts at Home conference, I ordered her book, Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers. Reading this book in a twenty-four hour span, I ended up highlighting ninety-nine passages in this 213 page work.
Fields relays her own childhood traumas as well as others she has encountered in life as well as research. In addition the Gold Medallion-nominated co-author, Dr. Jill Hubbard, a clinical psychologist, provides further professional analysis at the end of each chapter. Thus, not merely a "this is my story, and here's what works for me," but a credible exploration of forgiveness using both the Bible and the discipline of psychology as references.
Furthermore, an expansive list of references provides not only trustworthy support of the reading, but also a ready-made list of must reads and must views such as Patricia Hampl's I Could Tell You Stories and Ed Dobson's Ed's Story.
For the purposes of book club, a group of trustworthy friends gathered together to speak honestly about Forgiving our Fathers and Mothers while eating endless bowls of ice cream in acknowledgment of Fields' father.
Fields relays her own childhood traumas as well as others she has encountered in life as well as research. In addition the Gold Medallion-nominated co-author, Dr. Jill Hubbard, a clinical psychologist, provides further professional analysis at the end of each chapter. Thus, not merely a "this is my story, and here's what works for me," but a credible exploration of forgiveness using both the Bible and the discipline of psychology as references.
Furthermore, an expansive list of references provides not only trustworthy support of the reading, but also a ready-made list of must reads and must views such as Patricia Hampl's I Could Tell You Stories and Ed Dobson's Ed's Story.
For the purposes of book club, a group of trustworthy friends gathered together to speak honestly about Forgiving our Fathers and Mothers while eating endless bowls of ice cream in acknowledgment of Fields' father.
August 3, 2016
Leslie Leyland Fields's book is a practical and compelling guide to surrendering our painful childhood wounds to the healing work of forgiveness. The author explores the biblical and emotional ramifications of forgiving hurtful parents by offering keen insights and examples from her own struggles to forgive a distant and rejecting father. Her journey can be summed up in the subtitle of her book: "Finding Freedom from Hurt and Hate."
The author grapples with questions shared by most adult survivors of abusive or neglectful parents, such as, How can I honor dishonorable parents? Do we forgive for our own good or for the good of others? and, Why should we revisit painful memories once we have escaped them?
I recommend the book to anyone who desires freedom from painful childhood memories and the tyranny of long-standing anger and resentment. It is co-authored by psychologist, Dr. Jill Hubbard, who adds comments and study questions at the end of each chapter. In my opinion, the book could stand very well on its own, but Dr. Hubbard's commentaries help to summarize and refocus the main points in each chapter. Her study questions nicely lend themselves to a group study of the book.
The author grapples with questions shared by most adult survivors of abusive or neglectful parents, such as, How can I honor dishonorable parents? Do we forgive for our own good or for the good of others? and, Why should we revisit painful memories once we have escaped them?
I recommend the book to anyone who desires freedom from painful childhood memories and the tyranny of long-standing anger and resentment. It is co-authored by psychologist, Dr. Jill Hubbard, who adds comments and study questions at the end of each chapter. In my opinion, the book could stand very well on its own, but Dr. Hubbard's commentaries help to summarize and refocus the main points in each chapter. Her study questions nicely lend themselves to a group study of the book.
February 8, 2014
I would recommend this book for all adult children to read. I thought it was well written and is very easy to understand. I gave this book 5/5 stars. I liked the author stressing that everyone is human and we all make mistakes. Sometimes you read these kinds of books and they say forgive no matter what. This book shows you how to look at each situation with your parents from an adult point of view. By doing this you find true forgiveness easier when you realize they were just as human as you are right now! I enjoyed the book and would highly recommend it.
I would like to thank the publisher for the copy of this book I enjoyed reading. I gave an honest review based on my opinion of what I read.
August 26, 2014
Lots of stories of how this forgiveness looks in real life. I liked the duel perspective of the author and therapist perspectives, it added clarity when considering how to handle difficult relationships. I would have added the 5th star if there had been more about how to deal with the forgiveness/reconciliation issue as pertains to a parent who has walked away from you on more than one occasion which I think more of us deal with than it is reported. There was a bit of information but I hungered to know more than was given. :)
May 16, 2021
One very important thing that I learned from this book is that although the cost of forgiveness may be high, the cost of NOT forgiving is even higher. Christians are taught The Lord's Prayer from an early age. It includes the phrase: 'forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.' This is an important point for anyone wanting to get into Heaven...if you don't forgive others for what they have done to you, YOU likewise will NOT be forgiven by the LORD God.
The book itself is based on one of the author's experiences with her father [as well as her five siblings]. Fields' theme runs throughout the book but she is only one of a number of adult children who were abandoned or abused or neglected during their childhood who have / or maybe have not reconciled with their parent(s). She covers a variety of sons/ daughters, mothers, fathers, who have yet to forgive one another. She notes that reconciliation is based on forgiveness. She relates Bible stories of Jonah and the Whale, the Prodigal Son, and Joseph being sold into slavery by his Brothers.
The co-author is a clinical psychologist who lends wisdom from a clinical, intellectual and other viewpoints to the facts.
So forgiving in this book is not necessarily limited to parents/children. Siblings, other relatives, ex-spouses, former friends or employers...anyone with whom there has been a major falling out and lasting 'UNforgiveness.' The most difficult part for me seemed to me to be the forgiving of another when the parent [or other] refused to acknowledge that there was anything to forgive...he or she had done nothing wrong.
The book is full of words of wisdom. Sometimes, they are difficult to read because of the emotion [at least for me] involved. I had to stop reading and compose myself or wait until later to continue. But one of the best quotes from the book - taken from the story of Joseph in the Bible- is Joseph's statement to his brothers [who had sold him into slavery]: "You intended to harm me [intended evil to me] but God intended it for good [brought good out of evil]. How true this can be.
The book itself is based on one of the author's experiences with her father [as well as her five siblings]. Fields' theme runs throughout the book but she is only one of a number of adult children who were abandoned or abused or neglected during their childhood who have / or maybe have not reconciled with their parent(s). She covers a variety of sons/ daughters, mothers, fathers, who have yet to forgive one another. She notes that reconciliation is based on forgiveness. She relates Bible stories of Jonah and the Whale, the Prodigal Son, and Joseph being sold into slavery by his Brothers.
The co-author is a clinical psychologist who lends wisdom from a clinical, intellectual and other viewpoints to the facts.
So forgiving in this book is not necessarily limited to parents/children. Siblings, other relatives, ex-spouses, former friends or employers...anyone with whom there has been a major falling out and lasting 'UNforgiveness.' The most difficult part for me seemed to me to be the forgiving of another when the parent [or other] refused to acknowledge that there was anything to forgive...he or she had done nothing wrong.
The book is full of words of wisdom. Sometimes, they are difficult to read because of the emotion [at least for me] involved. I had to stop reading and compose myself or wait until later to continue. But one of the best quotes from the book - taken from the story of Joseph in the Bible- is Joseph's statement to his brothers [who had sold him into slavery]: "You intended to harm me [intended evil to me] but God intended it for good [brought good out of evil]. How true this can be.
July 17, 2025
I struggled through this book. While I agree wholeheartedly with the core message—that we need to forgive our parents in order to move forward in life and experience healing—I wrestled deeply with the author’s perspective on reconciliation.
The book seemed to emphasize not only forgiveness but also reconnecting with parents, even when they have been unsafe or continue to be toxic. As someone who believes in healthy boundaries and protecting one’s mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing, I found this viewpoint unsettling. Forgiveness is one thing—it’s an internal, spiritual act of release. But reconciliation is a mutual process that requires safety, accountability, and change on both sides. When that isn’t possible, forcing reconnection can do more harm than good.
I respect the author’s journey and the stories she shared, but I would have appreciated a more nuanced view—one that affirms the freedom to forgive without the pressure to re-enter a harmful relationship.
Healing doesn’t always require proximity. Sometimes the healthiest, most Christlike thing we can do is forgive from a distance and leave the door open only if true repentance and safety are ever established.
The book seemed to emphasize not only forgiveness but also reconnecting with parents, even when they have been unsafe or continue to be toxic. As someone who believes in healthy boundaries and protecting one’s mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing, I found this viewpoint unsettling. Forgiveness is one thing—it’s an internal, spiritual act of release. But reconciliation is a mutual process that requires safety, accountability, and change on both sides. When that isn’t possible, forcing reconnection can do more harm than good.
I respect the author’s journey and the stories she shared, but I would have appreciated a more nuanced view—one that affirms the freedom to forgive without the pressure to re-enter a harmful relationship.
Healing doesn’t always require proximity. Sometimes the healthiest, most Christlike thing we can do is forgive from a distance and leave the door open only if true repentance and safety are ever established.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 8, 2020
“You can’t grow up and be full adults until you can forgive your parents.” Thus, begins Leslie Leyland Fields’ forgiveness stories, her own and others’ along with commentary and study questions by Dr. Jill Hubbard. The keys to forgiveness are willingness, telling the truth, seeing our parents as people, owning up to our own wrongs, loving mercy, modeling ourselves after the father in the parable of the prodigal son, focusing on gift-love rather than need-love, letting go of anger and bitterness, remembering and lamenting and releasing and living on so all may be well with our souls. “Forgiveness begins with us and changes us first, but genuine forgiveness will not end there. It empowers us to reach out to our families… out into the wider world… Forgiveness, in its fullest state, leads us to love.” Our forgiveness is an echo of God’s.
March 22, 2021
I was on the launch team for Leslie Leyland Fields's most recent book, "Your Story Matters," and in the discussions when that book was first launched she remarked that she had written autobiographically about her tortured relationship with her father, and that that book was about forgiving parents.
I thought, "Wait a minute, I have a book like that," and sure enough I found this deep in my TBR pile. I hadn't remembered that it was by Fields. I got it because I have had a difficult time forgiving my mother for her relentless denigration of just about everything I've done in my life. Mom has dementia and so there is no opportunity for reconciliation. But this book has made it easier to forgive her. I'm grateful for Fields's vulnerability, and for the additional insights from Dr. Jill Hubbard.
Highly recommended.
I thought, "Wait a minute, I have a book like that," and sure enough I found this deep in my TBR pile. I hadn't remembered that it was by Fields. I got it because I have had a difficult time forgiving my mother for her relentless denigration of just about everything I've done in my life. Mom has dementia and so there is no opportunity for reconciliation. But this book has made it easier to forgive her. I'm grateful for Fields's vulnerability, and for the additional insights from Dr. Jill Hubbard.
Highly recommended.
March 10, 2025
Impactful
This book could not be rushed. It was savoured, as much as a book that challenged me to reflect and grow could be savoured. The author wrote from her personal experience. She spoke like a friend who was walking alongside me on my journey. She also shared experiences of other persons who had similar challenges. I thought that I had completed my forgiveness journey but this book took me even further on my journey.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who has experienced childhood/adolescent pain in their relationship with one or both parents.
This book could not be rushed. It was savoured, as much as a book that challenged me to reflect and grow could be savoured. The author wrote from her personal experience. She spoke like a friend who was walking alongside me on my journey. She also shared experiences of other persons who had similar challenges. I thought that I had completed my forgiveness journey but this book took me even further on my journey.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who has experienced childhood/adolescent pain in their relationship with one or both parents.
February 15, 2018
I took my time reading and working through the questions and it was a very fruitful process. Leylands is a beautiful and humble writer and her stories about her own father and other friends' ways of dealing with difficult parents were encouraging. Those stories helped me feel understood and hopeful and spurred on to act with love and forgiveness, with healthy boundaries, towards those who have hurt me.
June 27, 2018
I'm becoming a big fan of Leslie Leyland Fields. Here she writes in poetic and practical ways about the various losses we suffer as children of flawed parents. Aknowledging, grieving, forgiving and redeeming are the things God offers to us in our brokenness. It can be messy, but it frees us up to bless this world we're in and the families we are tied to.
This book helped me think through some things. I appreciate the insights at the end of each chapter offered by Dr. Jill Hubbard.
This book helped me think through some things. I appreciate the insights at the end of each chapter offered by Dr. Jill Hubbard.
May 8, 2021
I just finished Leslie’s class called, “What’s Your Story,”and had to read this book also! I recommend this book to everyone, and especially believers who know that God calls us to forgive. Leslie’s writing is so heartfelt and honest and kind. This book shares many people’s stories and especially Leslie’s great pain with her father. But it is a book of hope and redemption and healing. If you have any pain from your parents, then read this and learn the freedom to forgive.
March 14, 2020
I read it a while ago but the writing spurred me in in my own journey of forgiveness. No one loves perfectly, no one forgives perfectly. We are all imperfect people giving out of ourselves for the good of ourselves, the one who hurt us, and for the God who asks us to forgive as we have been forgiven.
June 22, 2017
As I struggle with 'mother-issues' I found this book very helpful, encouraging, and practical. Using a combination of actual peoples' experiences and Biblical insight, Fields opens up the channel to forgiveness and understanding for those who have wronged us. I highly recommend this book.
March 19, 2018
Great book to start off if you want to reflect on forgiveness, whether its your parents or someone else. The stories the author mentions helps one realize that you are not alone in the process of forgiveness.
December 2, 2023
Emotional, melancholic, and relatable. The stories shared are touchy and feel real. They did an amazing work.
However, men did not share much about the stories of forgiving our caregivers and how they were affected.
However, men did not share much about the stories of forgiving our caregivers and how they were affected.
March 20, 2018
Loved this book. Quotes in chapter 8 really resonated with me. Would refer this to anyone.
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