When Love Is a Lie - Narcissistic Partners & the Pathological Relationship Agenda

by Zari L. Ballard

When our committed relationship involves a narcissistic partner or someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, it is inevitable that the experience, at some point, will take a very dark turn. Pathological liars, chronic cheaters, and masters at passive-aggressive punishments (i.e. the silent treatment), narcissists follow a specific relationship agenda where every deceptive move is deliberately calculated to confuse and abuse the people who love them. And, as crazy as it appears, those who love the narcissist will stick it out, thinking they can fix this person or love them out of their bad behavior. We imagine the narcissist as mentally ill and, therefore, repairable. We bargain with logic, ignore our intuition, and become master truth spinners. And the truth, of course, is that narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths can never be fixed - not with love, therapy, and not with any magic pill. I know and understand...because I stumbled down this very path for twelve long years.

When Love Is a Lie is a personal, non-clinical narrative that exposes the typical manipulative behavioral patterns of narcissistic partners. Based on my own 12-year experience, this book deliberately offers no excuses for narcissism (medical or otherwise) nor does it encourage readers to cut a narcissistic partner any slack whatsoever. This book is about the reality of the situation, about why we become codependent to the drama, and, most importantly, what we can do about all of it to save our own lives.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction

211 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 4, 2013

About the author

Zari is a Freelance Writer/Author (and single mom) who resides with her son in sunny Tucson, AZ at the base of the Catalina Mountains. Motivated by the success of her first book "When Love Is a Lie", Zari has since published four additional books about narcissism in relationships including her newest, "Narcissism In a Nutshell".

Currently, Zari's blog - TheNarcissisticPersonality.com - receives upwards of 4000 new hits per day and has become the "go-to" information resource for abuse victims worldwide. Via her blog, Zari provides over 80 original and informative articles about narcissism, free advice to those who write in or comment, and an opportunity to book one-on-one recovery support.

For 2017, Zari plans to complete a podcast series based on her books as well as several recovery videos for her YouTube channel. She is also currently working on a book about her son's journey with mental illness and several fictional novellas. There may even be an internet radio show!

Be sure to check for updates - it's certainly going to be a busy year!

For informative articles on narcissism and the opportunity to communicate with Zari one-on-one, please visit Zari's blog TheNarcissisticPersonality.com.

Reviews

[Maxine (Booklover Catlady) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a brilliant book about being in a relationship with a narcissist. I like the fact it's written from a Survivors perspective, a woman who knows what hell it is and not just psycho-babble from people who have never experienced it.

Zari explains everything from how we get "chosen" by a narcissist to why successful, intelligent people stay in these destructive relationships for ridiculous long, painful periods of time.

Her chapter on the signs you are with a narcissist will be the eye-opener for many.You may not have realised this is what your partner is or why you've been broken down but by bit until you feel like you are going crazy. This chapter will have you highlighting and making notes.

Further excellent chapters include one on what you will not tolerate from your current or future relationships, the important boundaries that must be set.

She also covers why there is a cycle of rejection, getting back together, broken promises, sabotage of happy times and more.

Does your partner break promises? Only do tasks that help him in someway? Expect the red carpet if he does a minor task? Lie and give you the silent treatment? Blame you and never take responsibility for his stuff? Seem cold, unsympathetic and unloving? Seem to have no remorse for the pain and suffering caused to you?. Have you spent years trying to figure this person out only to feel like you still don't have a clue?

You are probably with a narcissist and you can get yourself free from this form of abuse forever. Kari will inspire courage with practical suggestions on how to disengage and protect yourself. I highly recommend this book to anyone, even if you are unsure if you are with a narcissist or not. By the end of it you'll know for sure.

Five stars. Very helpful. Clearly written.

I bought and read a Kindle version of this book on Amazon.

[Ffiona · Rating 1 out of 5]

The story of a woman who became obsessed with a disordered man and takes absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for her part in allowing it to happen and continue for years and years.

The narcissist had nothing going for him other than an ability to provide an eroticism that captivated a very damaged woman.Ballard states...
"the sex was great for the entire twelve years that the narcissist and I were together. It just was. In fact, to this day, the sex is still something I miss and the single thing that could probably still make me cry over the break-up. Honestly, there are days when I have to consciously try not to think about it".

The man she was obsessed with had an ability to create a degradation recovery/restoration dynamic that hooked into the wounded desperate little girl part of the author's psyche & when he had the urge to get away it provoked deep feelings of pain and she chased him.Thats what caused the erotic charge & chemistry the 'great passion' was fed by the anxiety of his impending abandonment-she sounds like a masochist who mixed her sex with emotional pain-she glorified their sexual encounters.Emotional pain sex was often her drug of choice.If the narcissist Wayne had suddenly started acting all needy and clingy then instantly this 'best sex she ever had' would have been downgraded to unsatisfactory there would no longer be a challenge nothing for her to yearn for and fantasise about no thrill of the chase-longing for the object is never satisfied by the actual possession of the object.The sexual intensity they were so enamoured with was being magnified by the dysfunctional separation and reunion dynamic they had going on.Neither of them were able to bond & their sex was addictive and destructive because it was all mixed up with their unmet need (left over from infancy) for authentic emotional psychological contact.After a prolonged absence suddenly being the sole and intense focus of his attention and desire made her feel ecstatic plus it was the only way he allowed her to any closeness.This narcissist's mindset was extremely infantile it sounded like he could only relate to women willing to be an object of his gratification happy to play the good mummy by never ever making demands on baby.

The author writes
"Not only did Wayne never withhold sex, he had no problem requesting it no matter what the situation. In the middle of a fight...right after screaming how much he hated my guts...after smacking me hard across the head as he liked to do.....after literally threatening to put a bullet in my head (if he only had a gun)....and then suddenly Uh, could we stop fighting for a minute and just [censored] To be honest, most of the time I jumped at the chance for an easy way to peace and - what the hell - I knew it would be good! But there were other times, especially towards the end, where I just couldn't do it and I wanted to know how he could. "How can you think it's okay to ask me for sex after what you just said to me??" I'd demand, still sobbing. His typical response was to simply lay down on the bed and just pat the area beside him very matter-of-fact. No words. No smiles. Just that evil patting that I unfortunately knew would lead to great sex if I went there".

This disordered ex of hers (who obviously didn't have the inner resources to bond) felt very claustrophobic & he had a need to exercise interpersonal control, obviously a psychologically healthy woman wouldn't put up with this wonky behaviour- a love addict co-dependent,on the other hand,most definitely would tolerate it and by allowing abuse they actively shape the behaviour of their partner.

The author writes..."He marveled at it, I marveled at it, and without a doubt, it (the sex) kept us both interested"
Wayne "marvelled" because how could he fail to notice that in addition to putting up with it she was actually demonstrating extra enthusiasm for him and an intensified erotic attraction to him.How marvellous.

She goes on..."The sex is typically mindblowing-at least it was for me and it sure seemed that way for him,I came to the horrifying realization he was probably having sex with everyone men and women because it was the only thing he knew how to do well"
This indicates he had a serious sex addiction,these men are impaired they feel isolated and view themselves as worthless.Narcissist Wayne had no interest in her happy families fantasy because his mode of thinking and behaviour was more along the lines of an impersonal pornography fantasy.People running a pornography story in their heads are fixated around issues of debasement of a person who wants (either consciously or unconsciously) to be degraded & treated like a toy.Basically he feels worthless so he wants others to feel worthless too.

Ballard makes no mention of her upbringing or relationship with her parents its my guess she re-created a piece of her childhood with this horrible man,she probably copied how her mother behaved with men when she was a child or alternatively she had an abandoning absent or emotionally unavailable father.The relationship she had with this Wayne person sounded sick, incredibly superficial and immature-the author came across as a bit of a drama queen it felt like she was involved in a battle of good versus evil gods versus devils,ratcheting up an unhappy human situation to cosmically epic proportions.
Her son was diagnosed with child-onset schizophrenia and although she claims in her book 'everything changed' it really didn't and she just carried on with her co-dependent enabling-[page 116] ..."I was warned not to look for him...for the next ten years he could juggle his relationships away from me,move in with me for a while and torment me and my son,ruining every holiday and birthday no matter how we tried to accommodate him"

Like most love addict co-dependents the author seemed to be attracted to those who are attachment damaged & cannot bond,she carried on trying to win the love of a man incapable of love because winning his love would have made up for the failure (in her childhood) to win the love of father and/or mother. Any competent therapist would tell her that the sexual idealization she has for her ex is a way of staying attached to the dysfunctional parent/child relationship in her family of origin.Wayne was unable to perceive her needs because he was preoccupied with his weird sexualization obsession.She was fascinated by him due to the fact he was expressing something she was repressing,she envied his silence and his control (she saw it as a strength)but if she had actually managed to break through his armour as she had been compulsively trying to do for many years he would have no longer been this unattainable being she felt she needed.

I'm no defender of abusive men,they disgust me, but Zari Ballards tone was so blistering and her assertions were so one sided that whilst reading this book I couldn't help but keep thinking to myself, Yes, but....especially with regard to the non stop references to their hedonistic sex,she was in thrall to him she was totally obsessed with his hyper-sexuality - they were just treating each other like objects. It was obvious to me Wayne was suffering from sex addiction and his sex behaviour sounded like a compulsive acting out, men acting in this way have usually been molested as boys.I began to feel slightly uneasy & repulsed because in a way it was like she was feeding off his pathology and was getting all excited and turned on by his 'disease'.

This author needs to develop a higher degree of emotional intelligence and self reflective learning about her contribution to the dysfunctional interpersonal dynamic.

Robin Norwood in her book Women Who Love Too Much describes this phenomenon..."women who love to much feel bored when out of the role of helping hoping and paying more attention to someone else's welfare than to their own.They have a fascination with men who are trouble & an addiction to negative excitement.If drama & chaos have always been present and we were forced to deny our feelings we often require dramatic events to engender any feeling at all.As they engage in distancing interactions with unhealthy men they are too excited to sink into the depression that lingers under the level of awareness".

Zari Ballard writes "we are not madly in love with our exes we are in love with the idea of hope,hope that they will change hope that we can change them". The actual truth is the love addict who loves too much is trying to recover something lost in childhood & although they may calling it 'love' the reality is...its not love and it isn't "hope" its expectation - an expectation of need satisfaction to repair childhood wounding.

[AudioBookReviewer · Rating 4 out of 5]

My original When Love Is a Lie audiobook review and many others can be found at Audiobook Reviewer.

When Love Is a Lie centers around the experiences in a relationship involving a narcissist.  Zari Ballard lays it out for her listeners in clear and concise manner defining what is narcissism, the symptoms and how to recognize your role in the relationship.  Drawing upon her own personal experiences, Ballard shares in a forthright manner that is told in layman’s terms and on a personal level.

Ballard recognizes that some may see her story as a venting with her being whiny but in truth, it is nothing like that but is rather a self-help book.  Ballard shares her experience to help others in the same situation; she helps them see they are not alone, they are not crazy, they are not at fault and importantly … they are beautiful and smart.

I found this audiobook to be interesting and helpful.  While I have never been involved in a relationship such as this, I do know of couples who fit the description.  Relationships are not easy and if one is involved with a narcissistic person, then all bets are off – their love lives in the chaos of emotions and actions and lies.

Lisa Bunting tells the story of Zari Ballard making the story realistic with her performance and owning it down to the very end.  Her voice is clear yet mesmerizing. She was the perfect narrator for this story.

Regardless of whether you are in a relationship as described in this audiobook or not, odds are you either work with/for someone or know someone who is a narcissistic type.  Listen to it so you can recognize the signs and prevent yourself from sleepless nights, hours of insecurity and self-doubt.

There were no issues with the audio quality or production.

Audiobook was provided for review by the publisher.

[Lynette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Provides great insights into relationships with narcissists. As a therapist I would recommend it for clients.

[Zari Ballard · Rating 5 out of 5]

When Love Is a Lie is written from my own personal perspective and is deliberately non-clinical in content. In other words, I don't offer medical explanations for narcissistic behavior or encourage victims to cut those with this disorder any slack whatsoever. That's not what this book is about. This book is about the reality of the situation when you love a narcissist or sociopath...about recognizing the hurtful behaviors of people who have borderline and antisocial personalities and about understanding our codependency to the relationship nonsense so that we can redirect ourselves out of the darkness. I try to demystify the typical narcissistic relationship patterns so that we can move away from fear and be better equipped to abandon the narcissist before too much time has passed (and God knows that narcissists live to waste our time). Finally, I outline the logical thought process that, after 12-long years with my own narcissistic abuser, helped me to accept the final discard and mentally let go of the psychopathic narcissistic lie. It's a process for which I am most grateful and one that I feel could make a difference to others.

[Kathy]

Currently navigating the end of a 31 year marriage with narcissistic spouse and seeking encouragement. The book was helpful in some ways but author's story did align a little differently than my story but I found her traffic/cooperation story to be right on target.

[Robert Nolin · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you're looking to educate yourself about narcissism, please don't start here. Go straight to Dr Ramani or Debbie Mirza. The first is a professional who is all over YouTube. Start there. If you're dealing with a covert narcissist, Debbie Mirza is your guide. She speaks from experience, and though she is a layman, her book The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse is based on the hundreds of interviews she conducted, and her personal experience informs the writing. Ballard's book is about nothing *but* her own experience.

Like Mirza's book, the current title was penned by a non-professional, but there the similarity ends. Ballard's book is too personal to be of much use to anyone seeking to understand narcissists. For one thing, her behavior suggests she herself had serious emotional issues, and the book reads as an act of revenge against her "N." She even discloses his actual first name. Secondly, her boyfriend doesn't sound like a narcissist. I'm not a shrink, but he sounds like he had some deeper issues, perhaps BPD.

I couldn't stomach this book. It reads like the life of a character in a Raymond Carver story. Two people locked in a loop they can't break out of, though all they have in common is sex. Too poor to afford health insurance, she never seeks out professional help. Depressing. Stay away.

[Jennifer Sullivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book many years ago after it was recommended on a narcissistic abuse survivors forum. It was one of the best books I have ever read on the subject. I enjoyed it so much I loaned it to a friend who recently returned it. "What the hell," I thought and decided to re-read it!

This informative, self published book was written by a survivor of narcissistic abuse so the advice offer is tried and true! The conversational tone and powerful "example stories" offered helped me to understand my own journey a bit better.

One of the great things about this book is that it's kept "light". When you have been emotionally beaten down, it's hard to focus on anything too detailed. I love how the author helps you transform your feelings of victimization into personal power! She offers hope by way of personal experience and example.


I just ordered another of her books on Book Depository - I can't WAIT to dive in :-) Even though I am happily narcissist free, I find the subject of cluster B personality disorders absolutely fascinating! This is a must-read for any like-minded soul ;-) :-)

[Tricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting book, written in a down to earth/best friend's advice kind of way, which I liked very much. Sometimes I thought it was a bit too heavy on the 'best friend's advice' style, repeating or drawing out a topic or event, much like your friends tend to do! But in the end, I really learned a lot about my failed relationship, and my own part in creating and supporting it for so many years, plus what to be more aware of in future relationships from reading the book. It made me realize that I am not the first, nor will I be the last, to experience this type of betrayal and feeling my world spin out of control. Sadly, it's more common than I had ever imagined.

[monique cecilia leech · Rating 5 out of 5]

The truth like you've never heard it before.

If you have ever been (or think you are) in a relationship with a narcissist, this book is a play by play lifeline for anyone trying to get out or recover from this type of relationship. I stopped highlighting paragraphs once I realised I am highlighting the WHOLE book. Sobering, enlightening and inspiring. You life will be different after reading this

[Kasia Burlakoff · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author did a pretty good job on research about narcissistic personality disorders and outlined the most important points in a way easy for a layperson to understands. there is plenty of down to Earth advice how to get out of a pathological relationship.

My main complaint is about certain repetitiveness and excessive use of swearing. Otherwise I would have given it 5 stars.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book, along with Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, made me realize I am not crazy. That the man I've been seeing off and on for the last three years is truly a narcissist and has no good in him, and why I got attached like I did. I am so glad I read these. Reading a book from the perspective of someone who has been there is a real eye opener.

[Marilyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very helpful to me. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for many years and it helped me realize that it wasn't my fault that I didn't leave sooner and that he is a pathological liar and there is no way to help a narcissist change. They become so good at convincing you that they are sincere.

[nathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love is only a lie when you love a psychopath.

A relationship with a psychopath is unlike anything you will ever encounter. Unless, you have had the misfortune of meeting Satan. I met Satan. He was in the form of a woman. Great book! Great insight into the absolute hell that is loving a psychopath.

[Mary Espique · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book that will tell your own experience from the love bombing stage, grooming, discard, silent treatment, an experience we thought to be nameless, not real, unpredictable but once we get ourselves familiar with how they operate, we can realize that they are calculating, predictable, adult-children who have the emotional maturity of a toddler.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had me wondering if Zari had dated "my narc"! Spot on description of life with a Narc!

This book had me wondering if Zari had dated "my narc"! Spot on description of life with a Narc! I recommend reading this book; especially, if you're still trying to decide if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist. You will definitely know by the end of this book!

[Melissa Benavidez · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is Tim ....exactly like him

I wish he would just go away. I love him but I know he lies and manipulates. He calls me racist names and when I tell him it hurts, he says I made it up and he never said it... He makes me feel like I'm going crazy.

[Miriam Harrison · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting

Very good read and comforting to know someone else recognizes the signs . Read this book to realise its not all in your head!

[Diala Kasir · Rating 5 out of 5]

On point

Ummm I think she just wrote a book about my life! I don’t think I was really ready for it. : (

[Mrs Jennifer Ann Shoesmith · Rating 5 out of 5]

When a book tells you a painful part of your life story, it is a hard read. But I'm glad I did it. And if this is your life story, you will be too.

[Charles Wiggins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book

It was a great book one of the best I have ever read. I want to read note of her books!

[SB · Rating 4 out of 5]

Succinct, blunt, heartfelt. Ballard takes us through her journey and the toxic rollercoaster of a relationship with a narcissist. Claim back your power & grow - something a narcissist cannot ever do.

[Michele Deem · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely wonderful

[Elly Michaels · Rating 5 out of 5]

When Love is a Lie, by Zari Ballard, depicts the author's courageous journey from craziness to sanity, from imprisonment to freedom, from oppression to independence, as the long-time victim of a Narcissistic/Psychopath (N/P) offender. The book provides painful examples of the roller-coaster relationship perpetuated by the N/P, and explains the needs that drive that behavior. Without apology or restraint, the book describes the sad, but inevitable responses, suffered by the N/P's victims, and perpetuation of the cyclical lifestyle of abuse and co-dependency.
The book is written in a familiar, friendly style, replete with well-placed swear words, that releases it from its stuffy obligation as psychotherapy. But therapy it is! Hope is the theme throughout this book, and is delivered in the author's documented recovery. Painfully slow, her recovery is no miracle, but the small-step process of regaining control of her responses to her controlling, adrenaline-seeking N/P.
As a result of the numerous “silent treatments,” the victim describes her endless note-writing to the N/P, hopeless solicitations for forgiveness, change, reprieve. Although those pages and pages of pleas may not have changed the behavior of N/P in her life, they must have provided some practice to perfect the craft that spawned this heart-rending, inspiring, and sometime humorous, piece of non-fiction. For those suffering one of these manipulators, this book is invaluable; for others, this book provides enlightenment into the fascinating twists of the human psyche.

Thank you so much, Zari, for helping me understand my mother.

Elly Michaels

To purchase For Love of a Cause or read a free sample, click here:http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DX6IV0E
For more book reviews, visit: www.kindleandotherebooksbyellymichael...

[Java Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

New genre: Self-Help Memoir

The author has done a great deal of research on the subject of narcissism (N) and narcissism co-dependency (NCD), and it shows. But she does not claim to be a clinician, merely a woman who suffered 12 years of hell before discovering blogs full of insightful information and cheerleaders who helped her break the cycle of abuse.

The writing style can be a bit chaotic, switching between her own story, her blog posts, and the blog posts of others. I found some information repetitive. I think that's a GOOD thing since co-dependent people need to be told time and time again that it is THEIR SWORN DUTY to leave the relationship behind and move on. The author is honest about the times that she "fell off the No Contact wagon" but got right back on track.

I know that some people are sensitive to cursing, and the language here can be "salty" at times. I didn't find it offensive, but felt that a warning to Puritans is obligatory.

Into the mix of this emotional roller-coaster was the author's son, diagnosed with mental illness. Almost nothing is described about his life during the twelve years with the (N), and I was worried about him. I understand that the author will soon be publishing a follow-up book about dealing with her son's mental illness, and I definitely care enough about this mother and son that I will read it.

-- Java Davis

[Linny · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has been a tremendous help after recently getting out of a relationship which I couldn't explain. I was looking for closure and answers that I couldn't seem to find anywhere. I was skeptical about reading this because I thought it would just be a rant about the author's bad relationship. However, that may have been somewhat of me being in denial over the fact that my ex is more than likely a narcissist. Zari's book outlined my ex's habits to a T, to the point that I felt like I was going through the situations all over again. When I finished the book, I let out a huge breath of air, and started crying as I realized that I wasn't the only one who has gone through this.

[Peggy Mitchell · Rating 5 out of 5]

SHE NAILED IT!

Ok, I only just STARTED reading this book, but I feel compelled to rate it 5+ stars! THAT'S how spot-on accurate it is. My name is Blank, and I WAS struggling through my FINAL breakup with a narcissist. I WAS going crazy trying to quit obsessively thinking about him, even though I knew my soul would die if he remained in my life. Thanks to this book, I am done, my mind is free; I FINALLY understand.

To Zari: Thank you for saving my precious life. To readers: WHAT SHE SAID. Now, I'm going to continue reading this book. It is simply manna from heaven; the author, my guardian angel.

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whilst reading this I kept thinking, God! she should get rid of him...and then it dawned on me all of a sudden that I've put up with the same crap from my narc.
It's so easy for others to say "get rid!" but when your heart has let someone in, it really is difficult to let go. I read once that the SAME hormones are released during the love bombing phase as when we hold our babies for the first time......that's powerful stuff!! So our brains can know what a narcissist is but our hearts are like innocent puppies...bonded for life. My brain shouts at my heart all the time, but it never seems to listen.

[Yasmeen Makeba · Rating 5 out of 5]

Refreshing

This book was son on point to what I dealt with from my estranged husband, who is a narcissist... you have opened my eyes to so much about this disorder. Everything is making perfect sense now.

[Diana Voicu · Rating 4 out of 5]

I only recommend it for women currently in an unhealthy relationship with a narcissist or even more so when struggling to end or let go. Not the best book, get passed some of the exaggerated perspectives...but something you need to read. It can be a sort of an eye-opener