Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes

by Christia Spears Brown

A guide that helps parents focus on their children's unique strengths and inclinations rather than on gendered stereotypes to more effectively bring out the best in their individual children, for parents of infants to middle schoolers. 

Reliance on Gendered Stereotypes Negatively Impacts Kids

Studies on gender and child development show that, on average, parents talk less to baby boys and are less likely to use numbers when speaking to little girls. Without meaning to, we constantly color-code children, segregating them by gender based on their presumed interests. Our social dependence on these norms has far-reaching effects, such as leading girls to dislike math or increasing aggression in boys.

In this practical guide, developmental psychologist (and mother of two) Christia Spears Brown uses science-based research to show how over-dependence on gender can limit kids, making it harder for them to develop into unique individuals. With a humorous, fresh, and accessible perspective, Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue addresses all the issues that contemporary parents should consider—from gender-segregated birthday parties and schools to sports, sexualization, and emotional intelligence. This guide empowers parents to help kids break out of pink and blue boxes to become their authentic selves.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Feminism, Psychology, Gender, Science, Family

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Christia Spears Brown, PhD, is a professor of developmental psychology at the University of Kentucky. Her work on the impact of gender stereotypes on children and adolescents has been published widely in scientific journals and featured in numerous newspapers, magazines, local radio shows, NPR, and the CBS Evening News. She blogs regularly for Psychology Today in her column "Beyond Pink and Blue." She also stays busy as the mother of two daughters.

Reviews

[Katthew · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's a good book. Informative, concise, and well thought out.

I guess I was just expecting more. It assumes that all of their readers are cisgendered, and expects parents to treat their children as such. Newsflash: when a boy wears a skirt, it's a boy skirt. It doesn't mean he's gay, doesn't mean he's trans. And if he is, so what.

There is a section where they described the symptoms of being transgender in detail and basically tell the parents to ignore it and tell the kid "you're really (birth sex) you just have succumbed to stereotypes- you can be whatever you want regardless of gender" which is great, but it completely disregards the feelings of the child.

It's fine if you want to raise children who don't succumb to stereotypes- girls who are free to like math and play with trucks, boys who play with dolls and write poetry, children who will cross the gender divide when looking for playmates. It does not explain in a queer-friendly way how to raise children that are brave enough to dress and look the way they want, regardless of gender, with parental support.

I suppose it is groundbreaking, considering. It does contain plenty of useful information. It is not, however, for trans inclusive or gender-neutral parenting.

[TJ · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was deeply disappointed with this book.

I think that the author genuinely cares about reducing the impact of gender roles in society, however she is very stuck on the gender binary, and it is incredibly frustrating.

I'm addition, she seems much more comfortable with girls forgoing gender roles than boys, for instance when discussing color of clothing:

"Your daughter is still a girl, even if she has some clothes that are not pink or purple. Think bright, bold primary colors. I don't think many people would dress their sons all in pink. That is okay. But something yellow every once in a while might be nice for him"

What the fuck kind of double standard is that!? COLORS ARE COLORS. DRESS YOUR BOY IN PINK AND PURPLE AND EVERY OTHER COLOR.
Colors do not have genders, and the whole point of the book is supposed to be that gender doesn't matter!!!!

She also frequently mentions a child being gay as a bad thing - honestly i would have welcomed even a seinfeldian jokey "not that there's anything wrong with that!" - we get nothing except repeated mentioning of parents fear of gay children and that allowing your child to play with "cross-gender" toys won't turn them gay.... Again, as if that is a bad thing.

I was also very angry at her dismissal of non-binary gender identities - she makes a disparaging comment about a child being referred to as "it" and forced to wear "a burlap sack".

I would expect a lot more awareness and understanding from someone who studies gender as a career.

All that said, she does have some helpful tips on avoiding gendered language with your kids and addressing stereotypes enforced by other adults and children, and makes an impassioned plea against gender-segregated education, which I appreciate.

Overall not the worst parenting book but incredibly tone-deaf with respect to LGBT issues, particularly considering it was written in 2014, while reading like it was written 30 years prior.

[Amy! · Rating 3 out of 5]

This has some good practical tips for helping make sure parents minimize the effect of gender stereotypes on their kids, and she spends a lot of time talking about the science behind the stereotypes and their effects. Some of the science parts were a little dry when I really just wanted the tips, but I am glad she included both.

This is very much through a cis, mostly white lens, and I would be interested in how to gender stereotypes might differently affect trans kids and any other additional protections they might need.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

The subtitle might more accurately read: Why It's Impossible to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes (But Here's How to Try Anyway). Not because I think this is a futile endeavor. But because the research shows that these stereotypes are embedded really deeply and that kids are affected by them from an extremely young age. And while men and women are measurably different as gender groups (after a childhood's worth of gendered socialization), these differences are pretty minuscule when you try to compare boys and girls. As the author puts it: "boys differ from other boys and girls differ from other girls more than boys as a group differ from girls as a group".

Here's one shocking example of a very subconscious stereotype. An analysis of everyday conversations between parents and toddlers shows parents are twice as likely to use numbers when talking to toddler boys as opposed to toddler girls. I don't think anyone is doing that on purpose, but we are subconsciously bought-in to the stereotype that boys are better at math than girls. And FYI, this stereotype is not true! Because of the stereotype, teenage girls and women have demonstrably lower confidence in their ability to do math, but it doesn't actually reflect any difference in innate abilities!

The main message of the book is that we should treat our kids as individuals, with their gender being an extra bit of biological information much like their height and hair colour. We shouldn't let our own stereotypes (or the stereotypes of others) curtail the natural abilities and inclination of kids, and we should steer clear of generalizations that "all boys are x" or "all girls are y", because our stereotypes make these generalizations come true by forcing kids into boxes!

An excellent book not just for parents, but for everyone, and a good conversation starter!

[Faith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for parents, or even anyone interested in gender and children. The author is a psychologist and mother of two young girls and so writes from both an academic and personal perspective. Only 200 pages, it's just enough information to grasp her argument, become familiar with the most current research and pick up some great tips about how to encourage your kids to be their own unique selves.

[Laura Danger · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been referencing this book since I first read it. I had my parents read it when I had my kids and it's made a massive impact in how they communicate with my kids. I've brought it into teaching jobs and encouraged colleagues to read it. If you're around kids, this is a must-read. Everything Dr. Brown does is amazing. One of those books I buy every new parent!

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Won’t lie: I had to power through this one.

I really don’t like feeling as though I’m trying to be convinced of something. I prefer an honest relaying of the facts and an open acknowledgment of opinion and I think that’s where this book lost me.


Even though I agree with the author, I had to keep some skepticism with me while I read her arguments.

Background Story: I read a lot about how and why girls fail to excel in STEM subjects. So when that information is presented in the book, I am on high alert for whether or not it is corroborated by everything else I’ve read.

In chatper 4, she states: “There are some gender differences related to math, however. Ironically, counter to the stereotype, girls actually earn higher grades in math classes than boys through high school…”
This statement was left dangling in the air while she pushed forward an argument about how math confidence is greatly different between genders.
It took many chapters before she brought to light that girls outperform boys in school across the board potentially related to housekeeping tasks: finish homework assignments, following directions, etc. etc.
I felt I was being led in a direction “Girls are actually very good at Math!” which I don’t see as equivalent to academic performance. Once she circled back, I felt a little better about the other “facts” I was taking in from her work. But nonetheless, I’m curious as to where her conclusions were drawn and how sturdy the foundation of what I “learned”

Now, for the good notes
I learned a lot.

*Kids will pick up on the smallest cues (you looked away when your little boy hugged a doll, you didn’t smile when your little girl picked up a toy truck). And internalize these cues as to what their behavior should be.

*Kids are desperate to belong to their group (this makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint) and as such will go out of their way to strongly identify with imagery of what it means to belong to a group. You’re a girl and you get a toy with a boy playing with that toy on the front: interest lost. It’s a boy toy and you don’t identify as a boy.

*Subtle things in the world tell kids where boys and girls belong in society: FireMAN, PoliceMAN, obviously a girl cannot do these things.

*Hardly any notable differences in gender exist as birth, but by the time a child is a toddler they’re behavior has been shaped and gender roles reinforced (who knew this happened so early?)

*Same-sex schools exist because people believe 100% that boys and girls learn differently. Boys will do better if they get to write an essay about hunting and girls will write essays about baking (Is that for real? This is one of those moments where I’m having doubts.)

*Stereotype Threat- It’s a thing. It has a statistically significant impact on test scores and school performance. Bummer.

Self Centered Notes
*I like that men who change diapers get to have a more positive parenting experience.
*My parents were CRAZY gender role divided. But I played with all my brother’s toys (I wanted ALL THE TOYS) and do a lot of Math. What’s up with that.

[Lori Buesking · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m trying to think of the best place to start because I had so many thoughts while reading this. In trying to process all of it, my review got really long. Whoops. I’ll start with why I wanted to read it.

When I was a kid, I vividly remember telling my family that my favorite power ranger was the yellow power ranger. Why? Because as a girl I was supposed to like the pink one. Not because I loved that yellow power ranger that much, but because I hated the assumption. Even as a kid, something communicated to me that there was this expectation on what I should like based on my gender. And I hated that. I think growing up with two amazing brothers that I always felt included with helped me cut through those stereotypes. We played together. I never felt like an outsider or like their toys/games/books/shows were only “for them.”

Fast forward to having a baby of my own. The last thing I wanted was for her to think there was a list of expected traits she had to have based on cultural stereotypes. My husband and I once received a marriage book as a gift that talked about how to have a “better” relationship by understanding what men and women are like (something about lightbulbs and spaghetti). Out of curiosity I flipped through some of it and immediately wanted to throw it in the trash for all the incredibly false things it said about what I supposedly am based on gender. To think my daughter might have those same messages shared with her is incredibly upsetting. And it didn’t take long.

As early as 3 months old, there were people in our life that responded to our excitement over her growing conversational skills and saying she was talking a lot with “Well…she’s definitely female” with a laugh. Then that she would just be interested in shopping all day. Then that she was “dramatic…she’s a girl” because she cried. A baby. Crying. This was all MONTH 3 OF LIFE.

All that to say, the load of assumptions for her personality, interests, and apparently a lot of negative traits (I’m disheartened by how some people in our life define a girl so negatively) came quickly. While people panic about not getting my baby pink things because “Lori hates pink,” I don’t care WHAT she likes…she’s an individual. I just want her to have anything open to her. I don’t want her feeling like she is supposed to fit a restrictive mold. That’s why it bothered me when the author says she “pick hers battles” when her daughter did want a pink room. It shouldn’t be a battle at all! That doesn’t mean you’ve failed if your daughter loves pink. Or if I did indeed like the pink power ranger. The whole point is that they don’t have to love it (or not love it!). All colors are for all kids.

Okay that’s where I’m coming from. Onto the book.

This book included some fascinating take-aways through the studies shared. Reading this book emphasized that it’s about individuals, reminding my daughter of specific examples of people she knows who break gender stereotypes, interrupting stereotypes when she hears them so she has the encouragement to be her own person and not make assumptions about others. The stressful part the book warns of is that she will be constantly bombarded by toy packaging, tv shows, and other adults reinforcing those stereotypes. Since people want to find where they fit, if she sees constant imaging and language expecting a certain set of behaviors and interests from a certain group, that builds up and affects what she thinks is “for her.” It feels like a difficult journey… major companies need to STEP UP and show that all toys are for all kids. All colors are for all kids. All subjects are for all kids. Her dad and I certainly have an uphill battle here as only two voices in her life. But we can help her interact with all genders and explore a wide range of subjects. I want her to see how her mom and dad have friendships across genders (huge frustration here over communities that expect us to only interact in same gender groups) and how her mom and dad often break from culture’s assumptions.

Helpful reminders. But here’s why I was stuck at 3 stars.

The thing that left an incredibly poor taste in my mouth was when the author made a parallel with racism. She talked about racism in the past tense like it was something we “fixed” during the 60s. She communicated a color blind mentality, so it was no surprised when she used the phrase gender-blind to describe her parenting strategy (and not from a nonbinary perspective). Being “gender-blind” meant she avoided the word “girl” as much as possible with her daughters which to me came across as the word being inherently bad. (***To clarify, I'm responding to using the word specifically with their own child who already identifies as a girl; I appreciate using terms like firefighter and kids for a group or stranger) I understand the idea she gives about not centering gender as the most important thing about a kid, but with her daughters identifying as girls, if we avoid that word, it starts to sound like we don’t want them to associate with it. This doesn’t empower my daughter to see this part of her identity as positive or even neutral. Gender identity is a big topic of conversation, and what I don’t see is a community’s desire to erase it. I see a desire to understand and celebrate identity (the author leaves trans and nonbinary individuals out of the conversation entirely which wasn’t helpful). If my daughter keeps hearing me avoid the word “girl,” I fear she would see that as something negative about her. I don’t want my daughter to think her gender determines her path, and I think there are other ways to de-emphasize gender as she explores who she is besides responding to my daughter’s use of the word “girl” by replacing it with “kid” like she said something bad about herself. The author gives some helpful tips, but the “gender-blind” sent up red flags, especially after she talked in a color-blind way with race. Colorblindness does not help address racism and is harmful. A gender-blind perspective doesn’t help address sexism and stereotypes. I want my daughter to celebrate her whole identity, and that does include her gender identity.

Another frustration was how she suggests responding to sexism from family members. In an effort to not ruffle feathers (because they meant well! they're from a different generation!), she only discusses having a conversation afterward with the child. It was an important one and I like that she words it in a way that doesn't harm the child's relationship with the adult, but where's the conversation with the adults? Not with the kid, but with the adults. That's what I want to see. I want guidance on a loving confrontation to see growth. So that message doesn't just keep getting repeated. Avoiding it doesn't create a healthier situation. We need to start having those tough conversations. Know better - do better!

In my opinion this is a book to take some and leave some. Something just felt off. I couldn't shake the way she discussed racism as past-tense even while it wasn't the focus. I underlined some helpful ideas, but I am guessing there are other books out there that can give a better look at the actions we can take to help kids be their true selves.

[PumpkinPirate · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book just really doesn’t deliver… It mostly explains how gender socialization works, and gives a few tips about how to defy stereotypes. However, it does not go into the difference between sex and gender, gender variation outside the binary, or cover in depth how to do ‘parenting beyond pink and blue’. Also, when briefly touching upon trans issues (never using that word though), it’s misinformed and ignoring the real experience of trans kids (a propos ‘comforting’ the reader that this is not linked to being gay).
This books seems to be aimed at a ‘traditional’ cis-gender heteronormative audience that has never thought about gender or gender issues before. Then, yes, it can be a sort of useful introduction. But for anyone who was already aware of stereotyping based on sex being problematic, and looking for a plan on how to defy that, this book is not adding a lot.

[Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated the action items proposed in the book, but sometimes think the author felt the need to preach to the choir (I am reading a book about parenting beyond gender types, so I'm already on board!). The most useful aspect of this book was the way in which the author proposes discussing stereotypes with children. "I know _____ said, _____, but that's not true about everyone." She then proposes offering a counter example that the child would understand and explaining how individuals are different. Takeaway nugget, "It isn't about denying that children are girls or boys. It is about children not being defined by gender."

[Emma Moss · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read for any parent interested in understanding how gender unnecessarily shapes our children and some practical guidance on how to balance that. Definitely changed my thinking and interactions with my kid and made me much more conscious of how (even subconsciously) we impact on how our kids see the world. We want the best for our kids, and this is a great place to start.

[Cheryl Clearwater · Rating 1 out of 5]

This otherwise fact-filled book excludes and pathologizes transyouth. There is no discussion of the incredibly important distinction between biological sex and gender identity. The author doesn't seem to have a clue about the damage she has done here.

[Alana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is something I spend a decent amount of time thinking about, and I figured I was doing a good job with Emmeline, but this book opened my eyes to so many more ways that, directly and indirectly, I can influence her to be her best and to be wary of gender stereotypes. A good read.

[Greg Stoll · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book simultaneously made me feel better and worse about being a parent. Better because I feel much more justified in some of the stuff we've tried to do for our kids. Worse because, ack, gender roles and sexism is everywhere and how are we supposed to protect our kids from the whole dang culture? But I'm glad I read it and there are some helpful tips about how to do your best to influence your kids without being too militant about it.

One interesting parallel I took away is that it's not enough to just say "everyone can do the same things"; you have to specifically call out when someone says something stereotypical and rebut it by saying "boys _and_ girls can be firefighters" (or whatever). Also, you can't just not say anything about it because kids will pick up gender stereotypes from other kids, TV, random adults, etc, so you have to fight against these. This reminds me a lot of the newer research on racism, where you have to actively be antiracist instead of just saying general things like "everyone is equal".

Odds and ends:
- Kids pick up on the fact that gender is important, and then will start to overgeneralize based on that. Brown gives an example of her daughter saying out of the blue that boys are messy and girls are neat (even though her father is the neatest person in the house!)
- A study was done where teacher were told to use gender to organize their classroom. (children had name cards of pink or blue, they lined up boy-girl-boy-girl, etc.) Even though the teachers treated the boys and girls equally and didn't express any stereotypes, students developed stronger gender stereotypes by themselves than those in a classroom where the teachers were told to ignore gender.
- A similar study was done but instead of gender, kids were randomly assigned to the red or blue group and then teachers used groups to organize the classrooms in a similar way. And lo and behold, kids developed stereotypes about the red and blue groups! But kids in a classroom where kids were in groups but teachers didn't talk about them, the kids didn't develop those stereotypes.
- A big one: when kids hear "he" used as a generic term, they assume it only refers to boys. Same for "fireman" and "policeman"; kids assume only boys can be firefighters or police officers. This is a very hard habit to break, although I have managed to make some progress for myself! They've done studies where parents look at animal picture books, they use "he" 95% of the time.
- Brown says, somewhat depressingly, you only have until your kid is three years old to try to avoid using stereotypes; after that, the stereotypes are ingrained, and the best thing to do is to tackle them head-on. (more on how to do this later)
- Brown was interviewing a group of high-achieving women undergraduates and asked them to raise their hand if they felt insecure about their math abilities - and everyone raised their hand! (and they were kind of surprised everyone felt the same way) Brown then bet that if he asked a similar group of men, no one would raise their hand. So they walked down the hall, found a group of men in a classroom, and lo and behold, none of them raised their hand🙂
- There are some differences between boys and girls, and there's an interesting discussion of effect size. Basically an effect size is a measure of how much two populations differ between each other relative to how much they differ within themselves. So for examples, boys are considered to be much more active than girls. But the effect size is only 0.21, meaning that if you have a boy who is of average "activeness", 42 percent of girls are more active than him. Yes, that's less than 50 percent, but it really doesn't tell you much about any particular child. Almost all gender differences are of this magnitude or less.
- Brown says that when she hears her kid say a gender stereotype, even if it's just strange (her kid said one day that girls have eyelashes and boys don't), she just says two things: point out that both genders do have whatever the statement was, then point out a concrete example of someone breaking the stereotype. ("Daddy has long eyelashes!") And then stop talking about it :-)
- It's important to encourage your kid to do whatever activities they want, even if they're not "gender stereotypical". If you're more encouraging and engaged, the kid will enjoy it more and want to do it, and that will lead to them getting better at it.
- There's a section about self-esteem in girls (which, sigh), but I didn't realize that African-American girls have better self-esteem and body image and less depression than white girls. This seems to be because African-American girls have more positive relationships with their mothers, and their mothers encourage their independence more.
- "Stereotype threat" is a depressing occurrence where just reminding kids what gender they are can trigger stereotypes that cause them to perform worse. For example, just having girls fill out their gender on the front of a math test causes them to do worse on it, because of the stereotype that girls are worse at math. Yikes! Here are Brown's eight tips to help protect your child from stereotype threat:
- De-emphasize gender: try to make them think about their other characteristics (about being a third-grader, or a member of their school or family, for example)
- Reframe the task: remind them that it's just a test and not a true measure of their full ability.
- Discuss stereotype threat: teach kids that it's normal to feel anxious when they are taking a test.
- Encourage self-affirmation: have your child think about values, skills, and characteristics that are important to them and write about them.
- Emphasize high standards, and assure kids they are capable of meeting them
- Provide competent role models: point out women who excel in math, or boys who excel at writing. (these can be fictional characters!)
- Provide alternative explanations for anxiety: like the item above, tell them it's normal to feel anxious and it will go away over time
- Teach that intelligence comes from trying hard, rather than innate talents: this is the whole thing about praising kids for working hard and not for "being smart", just like the Punished by Rewards book says, or the whole "growth mindset" thing.
- Brown summarizes things by saying the three things she really tries to do:
- Get rid of a lot of toys that are stereotypical. She especially calls out Barbie and similar dolls, and shirts with depressingly stereotypical sayings on them (like "I love shopping")
- Alter the language you use with your kids - don't say "pretty girls" or "big girls", just say "kids" or "big kids". When you're talking about someone else, try to pick a descriptive label that doesn't involve gender instead of just calling them a man or woman, unless it's particularly relevant for some reason.
- Stop kids from using their own stereotypes and correct them. Even when other adults say something stereotypical, tell kids that the stereotype is wrong in private after the fact.
- Brown also says three assumptions to try to avoid:
- Don't assume toys and movies/TV are just for fun. They influence kids!
- Don't assume you don't have any influence on your kids and surrender to the media and culture - you still have an impact!
- Don't assume anything about your child solely on the basis of gender.

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first half of the book is about the science, while it was interesting, I was worried that there weren't many practical applications being discussed. That shows up in the second half, and it's a decent amount of recommendations, if a bit disorganized. I'd recommend to start reading at Part III, anyone reading this book voluntarily is already on board and doesn't need any convincing. I was horrified at the return of the single-sex public school, I thought we were past this 'separate but equal' crap.

There's a good reminder on reviewing books and the like, there's some pretty horrible sexism and racism in many of those earlier books. I'm an uncle and not a parent, so that and other gifting and behavior advice is useful for me.

Sorry to say I can't recommend a more comprehensive book on the subject, parents and people working with kids should definitely read something like Part III in this or another work.

[Marike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting and inspiring read. Well-written with a nice balance of science and practical tips. I am glad I have a hardcopy because I am sure I will want to reread the many parenting tips later on!

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

2023 - Very good tips and other information to be mindful about. Some of the case studies were very interesting. Especially the one where female brains were being studied, but the researchers used dead female fish and tried to apply their results to humans!

[Maya · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was really interesting. I consider myself pretty egalitarian, but even so it challenged me to examine my own preconceived notions of gender. There was also a lot of interesting information about how our expectations shape our kids. I cringe so hard whenever my mom makes some comment about how boys need to run around and use their hands, or how boys love cars. But I should probably speak up more, especially when she says that in front of my kid.

This book also made me think about why almost a year old baby doesn't have any dolls. He has stuffed animals, but no baby dolls. I reject the idea that I don't want him to have a baby doll because I think he will be gay - the author says that is her opinion of these attitudes and I think thats just silly. And is it because society devalues feminine things? Maybe? I think its just the social pressure, I'm afraid of being admonished for it. Which seems silly.

I saw a review saying this book is transphobic, and I can see where they are coming from when they say that, but I don't know if thats wholly accurate. I'm obviously no expert on what is and is not transphobic, but I think what this book has to say about transgender kids is less about invalidating their experiences and more about getting to the core of what they mean when they say they are not their assigned gender. I can, however, see how her message was not as carefully worded as maybe it ought to have been. The section is so incredibly small though, its basically blink and you'll miss it. I was listening to this on audiobook and had to repeat the section three times cause I got distracted and missed it. So, this book may be transphobic or may not, but I think the bottom line is that this is not the book to get information about supporting your kid is they are trans.

One part of the book that really rubbed me the wrong way was when talking about that kid in Oregon, whose parents only referred to as Storm, without informing anyone of their gender. The author seems to think this is ridiculous and weird, and says that she doesnt want to raise her children being called "it". That part did feel transphobic to me. Nonbinary people exist and calling anyone "it" is dehumanizing. I doubt that Storm's parents ever wanted to dehumanize them. I also don't really see the issue with raising a child devoid of gender, even if it seems like a battle I personally wouldn't take on.

Overall though, I agree with the conceit of this book, and it aligns with my general parenting ideology. I want to raise kids who don't feel limited by what society says their gender can do, and I don't want to let society put them in limiting situations because of their gender.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

REALLY interesting read, gave me loads to think about. Dr. Brown pulls from her developmental psychology background and her parenting experience. She makes a persuasive case that our society over-relies on gender-based labeling and assumptions, to the detriment of our kids' academic, emotional, and physical potential.

The book includes lots of positive, practical advice. She recommends the simple change of using the word "kid" when talking about children unless there's a reason to specify the gender, so that we're not constantly emphasizing the label of "boy" or "girl." (A child who's acquiring language attaches a lot of significance to that & starts thinking in terms of "team boy" and "team girl.") Brown offers suggestions when thinking about toys, sports, parties, and conversations. And she gives examples about how to offer tactful correction when we hear stereotypes, either from our kids or from people who interact with them.

[Joe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It does such an excellent job not just demonstrating the research on how often gender differences are learned rather than innate - but also focusing on the ways in which gender stereotypes are doing a disservice to our kids by not recognizing them as a unique individual who may or may not subscribe to every characteristic associated with their gender. I’m so grateful to be raising a sensitive boy (and another who will likely be the same or different in many ways), and this was both a sobering reminder of how that might be a challenge for him later on and an inspiration to support him in whoever he wants to be.

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some thought-provoking stuff - I especially appreciated that Brown took time to explain what we can learn from looking at the compiled results of lots and lots of studies, not just a handful with exciting results that make the news. There are also some good practical tips on trying to reduce the number of stereotypes that you rely on, intentionally or not, and tips for how to interact with kids without putting the focus on gender. Not exactly a thrill-a-minute, but fairly succinct and short enough to read cover to cover.

[Mackenzie McKinney-Grice · Rating 1 out of 5]

Was really disappointed to find out that gender non-conforming/queer/trans kids weren’t even considered except in one section quoting “I believe in principles, but I also want my children to have friends and not get pummeled at school, which is often the case for children who veer too far outside the norm.” And an entire blurb dedicated to explaining that trans kids are basically actually their assigned gender they just like things that aren’t stereotypically that gender. Not impressed, not groundbreaking, not worth the read.

[Melina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Starting with one quibble - for a book about stereotyping, there's a lot of generalising about how parents act! However, that doesn't take away from the research in the book, or the easy to read way it is presented. There are definitely things I'm going to consider in my own parenting, and I was fascinated (and a little horrified) to read about Stereotype Threat and the implications. I'd recommend it to other parents and teachers as well as those interested in gender issues.

[Valerie Brett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book because it’s not erasing gender; rather, it focuses on gender stereotypes (what they are, how they affect us, how they are explicit and implicit, etc.). She also includes so many great concrete study findings and how parents can work against the stereotypes.

[Candace · Rating 1 out of 5]

I cannot continue this book. It’s awful. The author uses sex and gender interchangeably non-stop and clearly does not understand the difference. Even worse, she seems to mock parents who are raising their kids gender free. Super gross.

[Shweta Ganesh Kumar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must-read for anyone who has a kid in their life - be it their offspring, grandchild, niece or nephew! A great book to understand and help combat the limiting power of gender stereotypes.

[Blair Hodges · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish more parents were on board with this. The book has a lot of helpful advice and some interesting discussions of psychological studies with results that'll tick you off.

[Dolly · Rating 5 out of 5]

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[Dare · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honestly, overall a really good book. I was nervous going into it because it could fall a lot of different ways.

This books gives a lot of good statistical data, as well as a lot of practicals on how we can parent beyond gender stereotypes. A book like this can frighten a lot of people, but I think her thesis really resonated with me. She says “it is about children not being defined by gender. My girls are unique, very different from one another. I recognize that variability and uniqueness in them. It is about reducing the stereotypes that harm them and strengthening the traits that are good for everyone. And it is about allowing their unique strengths to shine through” (page 183)

She gives a lot of really good information about how gender stereotypes affect and impact a child’s self-esteem, opportunities, and ability to thrive. For example, when we make the generalization that “girls are bad at math” it gives girls a limiting belief that they can’t be good in math, and likely they won’t pursue a career in STEM. This is unfortunate, because there is no data proving girls are not as good at math than boys, but studies show that when gender is brought into math abilities it causes a disruption in girls abilities to achieve higher grades. Stereotypes do way more harm than good.

I did see a lot of reviews about the lack of LGBTQIA+ information in this book. While I agree we do need to have conversations about LGBTQIA+ kids, especially those who are trans, nonbinary, and those that don’t fit into gender stereotypes, I feel this book did exactly what it was trying to do: having a conversation about raising kids outside of societies gender stereotypes. I do think there needs to be more literature on LGBTQIA+ youth, but this is not what this book was trying to be. For what it was trying to do, I appreciate its contents. Is it a perfect book? I don’t think so. But it did help me see ways I subconsciously fit myself into my own stereotypes, and how I can be a better parent by shifting my mindset and views so that I don’t inhibit any of my kids from things they can excel in or want to pursue in life.

[Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to everyone, not just parents. As we all need help in combatting gender stereotypes.

I read this book already agreeing with the principal and wanted support in my beliefs and justifications for my actions, which it has provided. I found myself shouting 'yes' several times when things I have thought were backed up by evidence. Definitely preaching to the converted.

In some aspects I didn't think she went far enough. She used the term tomboy without reference to the sexism it implies. I felt her pointers for parents could have been more about instilling your children with a critical eye so as they can counter stereotypes by themselves. Instead of her telling them each time they happen, that whatever assumption about boys and girls is wrong.

It was written in a chatty, parent to parent, tone which made it very readable and I have earmarked several pages to reference later on. But I think she may not get the wider audience she desires. Mainstream culture is so far away from these ideas that is depressing.