Hiding for My Life: Being Gay in the Navy

by Karen Solt

Karen Solt, an eighteen-year-old nonconformist with an alcohol problem, is working at a gas station when a slick Navy recruiter railroads her into enlisting in the military. Before she knows it, she is on a ship in the Deep South, struggling to navigate not only a world much different from her small Northern Arizona hometown but also her new discovery: she’s gay.

Figuring out her sexuality clarifies many things, but also creates a daunting new set of problems, for Karen. It’s 1984: being gay in the Navy is considered a crime, and gay Sailors are regularly hunted by the Navy Criminal Investigative Service. Discovery means being kicked out, and by this point she is committed to the uniform (and to remaining with her first girlfriend, who is also enlisted). So she learns to hide her secret and find a way to serve—and even thrive professionally—without getting caught. But concealing her truth ultimately leads to devastating consequences.

A story of desire, addiction, the damage of secrets, the power of community, and the soul-crushing cost of turning people into “others,” Hiding for my Life is a celebration of the resilience of the human spirit—and a poignant call for each of us to come out from hiding and live our truth.

Genres: Memoir, LGBT, Biography

293 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 4, 2024

Reviews

[Joelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I could put this book into the hands of anyone who has ever asked why we need a Pride month.

So I knew basically zero about the structure or culture of the US military prior to this, and I left with so much awe for the strength and dedication of all of these service people. The LGBTQ+ individuals who faced, and continue to face, the incomprehensible daily task of choosing to serve their country or live authentically - I am very grateful and I hope brighter days are ahead for all of you.

Whew, what a brave thing to write this memoir. Solt writes so openly and honestly, and with such great insight into her own behaviors necessary for psychological and physical survival, both adaptive and maladaptive. Amazing the clarity with which she writes about her day to day experiences beginning in the 1980s, whereas I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday.

Summary: very glad I finally read this.

Couldn’t decide about my rating but I’m gonna bump it up to a 5 because 1. Karen Solt gives most books on GR a 5, what an absolute gem. 2. Her final and longest paragraph in her acknowledgments section is about a beloved dog, and this isn’t a book about dogs.

(Omg Karen Solt liked my review. Hi Karen!!! I’m such a big fan. And thank you.)

[Tess Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best memoirs I’ve read to date. Thank you to all the queer people who have served our country despite the country forcing you to feel hate and shame for who you were. Our country didn’t, and still doesn’t, deserve you.

[Varonikah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love everything about this book. And at the risk of sounding like the millennial I am, it's given me ALL the feels. Days after finishing your book, I'm still reflecting on these pages. I realized immediately that I held a deep sadness that this is a true story and a profound hope that the aspirations of freedom and flexibility of my generation will come to fruition. Truth, courage, and vulnerability are all over these pages.  Thank you for bringing awareness to my open heart and knowledge to spaces that simply just didn't know. I was once close with the Navy community in San Diego, and it was both refreshing and heartbreaking to learn about aspects of this culture through your eyes. This is a MUST read, and I will continue to recommend this memoir to my peeps. I know I can be a better human as I take your incredible story and message with me as I try to find my own way beyond hiding and navigate the world.

[Gretchen Staebler · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a great read! I have no personal knowledge of military life, and certainly not of women in the military, much less a first-hand account of the devastation of having to hide who you are while serving your country. It's a sacrifice too far, yet more than 30,000 servicemen and women received dishonorable discharges because of their actual or perceived sexual orientation. The author successfully hid hers for more than 20 years, but it took a toll, and her book shows us exactly what the price was. Solt skillfully navigates the story of a career she fell into, and how she came out on the other side, eventually choosing being true to herself over continuing to serve. Truthfully, I didn't expect to enjoy it, being far outside my own story—or so I thought. Turns out, we are all hiding. I found it a page-turner.

[Veronica Zerrer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book. At once funny, serious, tragic, redemptive. Chief Solt traces her Naval career and the personal growth and tragedies she endures through good days, bad days, and hard days.

While this is a wonderful memoir of how the military can provide a structure young men and women can achieve personal maturity in, Ms Solt contrasts her reality of being Gay and the literal hiding that LGBTQ Americans “perform” in order to realize a career.

Ms Solt also describes the casualties of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell years and the detrimental impact such policies have on military readiness.

A very good book for book clubs both military and civilian to try for discussion groups. It lends itself well to family night readings, and long road trips.

[Amy Breen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book, for both the raw honesty it was written with and the education I received about the military's policies towards gays in the military and how they affected this community. This book is written bravely and poignantly as the author describes her life in the military under these policies, and the tragedies and heartache she experienced because of them. A very worthy read. 

[Jordan Merlino · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be mandatory reading for all E7 and above. Karen’s brave and honest story not only elaborates on her own distinguished Naval career, but sheds light on the suffering we put our service members through before, during, and after don’t ask don’t tell. This is a powerful book. Be careful with triggers, but it is worth pushing through the dark and heavy parts.

[T. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having served in the military during the witch hunts, I can say that Solt's writing is very spot-on. Her writings brought back the memories of the constant fear that one experiences being gay in a very repressive environment. I count her work as a must-read.

[Zoe Zeid · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic audiobook! You can really hear the emotion of everything the author went through in the audiobook, as she is the narrator. I learned a lot about the Navy and how scary things were for LGBTQ+ people in the military until very recently. This memoir was a great way to wrap up pride month.

[Sara Goldenberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was terrific!!!!

[Sarah Harper · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vulnerable and amazing story. Thank you Karen for sharing your story!

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Solt, Karen. Hiding for My LIfe. Berkeley: She Writes Press, 2024. gay until she had been in the Navy for a while. She only knew that she had trouble in school, comforted herself with alcohol and acting out, and did not enjoy the few relationships she had with men. When a Navy recruiter pressed her to join up, she decided she had nothing else going so she might as well. She enjoyed it, did well, and moved up the ranks. Her realization that she preferred women opened up a new world. She began dating and fell in love, but it was illegal at the time for homosexuals to serve in the military. If anyone found out, she would be discharged immediately. So she found herself hiding her true identity and pretending to be someone she was not. In the course of the book, she falls in love, but finds herself continually deployed far from her girlfriend because she can’t claim the privileges of a spouse. Her addiction to alcohol is not helping. Her lifetime of hiding backfires toward the end in an event that will change her forever. Gays are now allowed to serve openly, but Solt still bears the scars of her years of hiding. This is a wonderful story, full of suspense. It also lets civilians see Navy life from the inside, which I found fascinating. Highly recommended.

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautiful and heartwrenching memoir about the author's journey through their career in the US Navy and how its long-standing homophobic policies and witchhunts ruined and harmed the lives of not only Karen Solt but those around her.

I'm not from a military family and learning of the truly horrific homophobic policies that were in place for decades was very eye opening to read. As the author correctly puts, these policies forced individuals to hide part of themselves and bring terrible hardship and hardbreak to them and their loved ones. Not only could you be kicked out without benefits if you were discovered to be LGBTQ+ in the Navy, there were also hunts to root out and find these individuals to do no more than simply ruin their lives. But it goes farther than just the individual as it effects everyone around them as well - friends, family, loved ones, mentors, and so many more. Heterosexual couples can stay together when given new assignments in the Navy - queer couples can't, because they can not talk about it. Awards and other ceremonies have to be cut off or put aside with significant others not being allowed to participate freely and openly.

But these policies go even beyond just that. This is a book full of tragedy and triumph, of being able to live life and love it too despite hardship. So to read of the suicide of H as a result of these policies is devastating and perhaps not one that people may immediately think of when it comes to 'being forced into the closet'. Had the author been allowed to be open and free about her own relationship and not forced to hide it for fear of retribution, H may very well be still alive. To no fault of the author, her being forced into hiding allowed him to gather an incorrect view of her and who she was, leading to a desire for something that could never be. It is a tragedy he passed and something to remember when it comes to these policies - it affects so many people.

This book also opened my eyes to the fight that many LGBTQ+ servicemembers are having in reinstating their standing and giving them the benefits they rightly deserve. Being discharged for simply being who you are is a horrible injustice and crime, one that will hopefully be fixed in the near future.

[Samantha Tucker · Rating 5 out of 5]

ohhh wow this book was great. the author’s voice is authentic and hopeful while also honestly addressing the many, many ways the military has hurt her, her friends, and queer people broadly over the last several decades. this was a heartbreaking and captivating read and an excellent illustration of how a story doesn’t require a neat, happy ending to be worth telling.

[Patti Eddington · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book over a couple days, truly one of those I hated to set aside. Karen Solt offers a fascinating, clear-eyed look at this topic. This memoir is a poignant look at a life she was forced to live for more than two decades to preserve a career she cared about deeply. It is also an affecting tale about the real tragedies that can take place when we are forced to keep secrets about our identities. Highly recommend.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book, for both the raw honesty it was written with and the education I received about the military's policies towards gays in the military and how they affected this community. This book is written bravely and poignantly as the author describes her life in the military under these policies, and the tragedies and heartache she experienced because of them. A very worthy read. 

[Leslie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, this was an amazing account of Karen's mostly military life. I too was in the military pre-DADT. The looking over your shoulder, and constant fear and hiding were real. Deciding whom you could trust was also a constant. I thought this book was so well written. I could totally immerse myself in many of her stories.

[Hiker Therapy Mark Lees · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know the author from going to school with her Karen’s story exemplifies the strong, articulate, and caring person I know her to be.

What I didn’t know about her was the tremendous strength of courage running through her veins.

To stay dedicated to yourself and your belief in self is the lesson all of us need.

Karen lived this everyday with honor.

[John Yaeger · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Hiding For My Life: Being Gay In The Navy,” is an inspiring American story that must be told, especially to lawmakers and the military brass. I was thrilled and heartbroken to learn how Ms. Solt navigated a gauntlet of difficulties at great risk to come out of a long Naval career victoriously!

Especially horrifying was the outlining of the abuse she suffered among her peers and commanding officers. Not being a veteran, I was troubled to learn that the “Good Ol’ Boys,” Neanderthal way of thinking was prevalent throughout her enlistment. It begs to ask: Has American society learned nothing about the value of gays and women in the military as we are now well into the 21st century?

It was immediately clear that in this remarkable story of personal and professional triumphs, Ms. Solt has the natural gift of writing. With her candid voice, the reader is kept well-engaged. From chapter to chapter, it’s what—in the publishing business—is called a “page-turner.” Through her honesty, evenhandedness, and genuine soul-bearing, Ms. Solt dared to reveal the whole story, narrating her achievements and exposing the unfair military challenges and personal struggles. This was done under the constant prying eyes of everyone in the military, knowing that her entire life could be derailed at any moment. Instead, this true American heroine rose above it all and should serve as an example for anyone who is trying to find themselves. Just as importantly, it should be a wake-up call to the military brass.

[Tracey · Rating 5 out of 5]

We think we know what our brothers and sisters in uniform sacrifice—but this book shows how little most of us truly understand. Rarely is the curtain pulled back so completely, revealing not only the physical and emotional toll of military service, but the harrowing reality of serving while forced to hide your truth.

The vulnerability the author brings to the page is stunning. She doesn’t just tell us what happened—she enables us to feel it: the tension, the fear, the isolation, the moments of quiet hope. Her storytelling is so alive, it draws you into the small, aching details of daily life under pressure most of us can't imagine.

It would have been easy for a story like this to turn maudlin or self-pitying—but it never does. That’s a testament to the deep healing work the author has clearly done in real life. Her words hold both pain and perspective, and that balance allows readers to walk alongside her, not as voyeurs of trauma, but as witnesses to strength.

And then—on top of all that—is the chilling truth: so many served in fear, punished not for anything they’d done wrong, but simply for being. That reality remains precarious today. This memoir isn’t just a reflection—it’s a call to remember how far we have to go.

Courageous, mind-expanding, and deeply human, this book is essential reading for anyone who wants to understand the intersection of service, identity, and resilience. It left me with a deeper appreciation for those who serve—and for those who do so in silence.

[Ella St Cyr · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's TCB time. That's Take Care of Business. Who among us can get this book into the hands of someone who can turn it into a film or mini-series?
A friend of mine picked up this book for me when she was at the 2025 Women's Week in Provincetown, where Karen Solt was on a literary panel. For two months that book sat on the edge of the living room table. I just could not face it, the theme, I mean.
I am 65. I lived these times and can vividly recall the fear of being outed, understanding all at risk. Imagine losing your job, your friends, your family, your connection to any religious community or volunteer work. Avoidance was my preferred choice of action.
Homophobia is by no means extinguished. Even today, there are people who live closeted lives.
At a time when the military is yet again outing and ousting anyone who is not a straight, white cis-gendered male, we need a movie based on this compelling autobiography.
Karen Solt's writing style readily segues into a script.
Calling on Oprah Winfrey, Jodie Foster, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kathryn Bigelow, Kathleen Kennedy, and anyone else who can produce this film.
FRONT & CENTER! Let's get this book rolling.

[Robyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I must admit, had I not been given the book, I never would have bought it. I have never been interested in reading about military or military people, nor have I ever cared about anyone's sexual orientation. So, spending my precious limited time on topics that didn't interest me seemed a big ask. Then I read it. And I must say, I am a bit miffed at the publishers for allowing the subtitle. If they had just left it at Hiding for My Life, I think more people would be drawn to the book. Had they started reading the first few pages in the store, they would have been hooked. The book isn't just about being gay in the military. It is so much more. It is the story of a 20+ year period of a woman's life but also an insight into how hiding from pain, retribution, the truth, and yourself can have lifelong and life altering effects. This is a book for the masses but I fear due to it's marketing it will be hidden from them. I will be doing my part to bring this book into the consciousness of others by gifting it to all my friends and any book club I know. Definite 5-star.

[Penny Lane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Solt has artfully woven two subjects I knew very little about, the military and what the day-to-day life of a gay person is like in the Navy, especially before the repeal of Don't Ask, don't tell. She evenhandedly walks us though many days-in-the-life of growing up, finding one's identity, building a career, in a demanding, micro-managed, prescribed culture like the Navy, hard as all those things are without the pressure of having to hide who we are and who we love. It shows how we all yearn for love, community and belonging even in impossible situations, and how a heart once broken takes years, if ever, to heal. Along the way, we meet angels- kind souls who provide, love, shelter, solace and direction, and we are forever grateful to those souls. Your heart will hurt and sing with each bad turn and each tiny victory. I learned so much and could barely put it down. How painful it is that people endure this much trauma, while defending OUR freedom. Very well written, and ode to the Navy and the human spirit's cry for love and acceptance. I am so glad I read this.

[Susan W. Friedman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Karen Solt's memoir, HIDING FOR MY LIFE, is an honest portrayal of her experience as a necessarily closeted gay sailor in the Navy during a time when this was demanded throughout the United States military. Solt shares so much of what she experienced with us, her hardships and her victories. She openly discusses the many obstacles she faced, including being a woman in a male dominated culture, which allowed for its own everyday harassment and lack of support. She outlines how her daily life, and those of other closeted gay sailors, was impacted by not being allowed to be openly gay-- including long separations from her partner, having to pretend she was someone she was not, and the threat of being thrown out of the military if her secret and that of others was learned. Solt opens a window for the uninitiated into military life, particularly that of a gay woman in the 1980s and 90's and all she must do to survive and ultimately succeed, and succeed she does. This book is extremely engaging, and the reader roots for the author from the first page to the last. It is a great read!!

[Meredith Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

I knew this would be an important book, but I had no idea it would be so gripping. There's so much richness here. There's the big story of how much Holt, as a gay service member, had to sacrifice as a result of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. But there's also the tale of how a young woman lost in hiding and shame comes into her own and discovers her worthiness. And a love story too, about how we learn to love others, as well as ourselves (and all the things that get in the way of that, including societal shaming). Holt wrote with beautiful vulnerability that made everything so relatable even while thrilling with details about a military world that's foreign to me (yet highly relevant). She never gets caught in blame or bitterness but instead helps us feel with her the shame, rage, and grief brought on by hiding, as well as the hope of what might happen if we finally accept everyone as they are. I'm so glad I came across this one. It's a powerful and important book, and it's also an extraordinary story told with lots of skill, wisdom, and love.

[Patricia Grayhall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written in an accessible and genuine style, Solt takes us on a moving journey through an era—not too long ago—when LGBTQ people serving in the US military had to sacrifice their identities even as they might sacrifice their lives. We feel viscerally what it was like to be hunted, constantly looking over her shoulder, wary lest she lose everything because of who she loves. We feel her overwhelming struggle through boot camp, her helplessness after a sexual assault, her painful adaptation to hiding her identity, and the impossibility of maintaining a loving relationship. She must reconcile the proud, sober sailor she eventually becomes with the lesbian who loves her partner and wants to build a life with her. Though facing tough choices with sometimes tragic consequences, we applaud her spirit and resilience as she repeatedly “lands on her feet.” An excellent read about an important piece of history as relevant now as ever.

[Katie Mae · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being a lesbian in the navy there was a lot to the book I could absolutely relate with. It was refreshing to see similarities in our thought process and shared experiences which made me feel closer to the writer. Sometimes knowing you’re not alone in certain aspects can be quite comforting. The only reason I didn’t give 5 stars was because of 2 reasons. 1. If you aren’t gay or apart of any armed service, this book may be a boring read. 2. She went into a lot of detail explaining the physical characteristics of each person mentioned in her book, however, I couldn’t help but feel a little underwhelmed with the interactions in the story. Every conversation seemed so abrupt and short, leaving me craving for more because deep down … I knew there was more. I’ll give grace however because I know when she wrote this, she is reflecting on experience 20 years ago.

Overall, a very good book and I did thoroughly enjoy it. But my liking just might be a little biased because like I said, I am gay and I am also in the navy lol

[Erika · Rating 3 out of 5]

The audiobook was read by the author and let’s just say it sounds like it was read by former military personnel.

I enjoyed the parts where she talked about life as an enlisted sailor. Military life, particularly for women, is so fascinating for me. I wish I would’ve gone into the military myself, but my life went a different direction. I also really liked the candid way she described how hard it was to be closeted and the effects it had on her relationships with friends and lovers.

I didn’t enjoy the parts where she wallowed in self-pity about pretty much everything that happened in her life (this was a large portion of the book, honestly).

I hated the writing style she used for conversations. Nearly every conversation was overloaded and bogged down with pet names. A reader doesn’t need to hear “bud” and “babe” more than once or twice to understand relationships.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Remember 'Don't ask, don't tell?" Karen Solt's memoir relates her journey trying to navigate the Navy as a gay woman during a time where coming out would end her career. If there is a reason to write these stories, it is to bring these experiences closer to those who never had to face such circumstances. Readers will come away with greater understanding of how being different in a very traditional organization is not relevant to the capacity to do the job. For those who long for a true meritocracy, this is a great read. And for those who have not yet seen the need for policy protections of those who are different from white men in power, your eyes will be opened.
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[Sherry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Karen Solt's "Hiding for Life" Being Gay in the Navy is a compelling and vulnerable memoir highlighting the truths and realities of what it was like coming out and the challenges of navigating personal truths, new and existing relationships and a successful career while being gay in the Navy. As a gay Navy veteran and Defense consultant serving during the same timeframes, I find her story very relatable and while the laws have changed over the years, the apprehension and struggle to not hide our truths is still very real. Highly recommend giving it a glance through the acknowledgments. Very good read coming from someone who tends to peruse the sports column.