But You Look So Normal: Lost and Found in a Hearing World

by Claudia Marseille

By age four, Claudia Marseille had hardly uttered a word. When her parents finally had her hearing tested and learned she had a severe hearing loss, they chose to mainstream her, hoping this would offer her the most “normal” childhood possible. With the help of a primitive hearing aid, Claudia worked hard to learn to hear, lipread, and speak even as she tried to hide her disability in order to fit in. As a result, she was often misunderstood, lonely, and isolated—fitting into neither the hearing world nor the Deaf culture.

This memoir explores Claudia’s relationships with her German refugee parents—a disturbed, psychoanalyst father obsessed over various harebrained projects and moneymaking schemes and a Jewish mother who had survived the Holocaust in Munich. Claudia shares how she emerged from loneliness and social isolation, explored her Jewish identity, struggled to find a career compatible with hearing loss, and eventually opened herself to a life of creativity and love.

But You Look So Normal is the inspiring story of a life affected but not defined by an invisible disability. It is a journey through family, loss, shame, identity, love, and healing as Claudia finally, joyfully, finds her place in the world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Disability, Memoir

277 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 14, 2024

About the author

At age four, I was diagnosed with a severe hearing loss. With determination and the help of powerful hearing aids, I learned to hear, speak and lipread. I was mainstreamed in public schools in Berkeley, CA. After earning master’s degrees in archaeology and in public policy, and finally an MFA, I developed a career in photography and painting, a profession compatible with a hearing loss. I ran a fine art portrait photography studio for fifteen years before becoming a full-time painter. My paintings are represented by the Seager Gray gallery in Mill Valley, CA.

I played classical piano much of my life; in my free time I love to read, watch movies, travel, spend time with friends, and attend concerts and art exhibits. I live with my husband in Oakland and we have one grown daughter.

Reviews

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Claudia Marseille tells a gripping story in her autobiography, But You Look So Normal. I read the book all in one day, unable to put it down. The writing is beautifully personal and authentic, and I couldn´t help but be completely engrossed in this girl´s profoundly difficult and painful path to adulthood. Claudia has gifted us with a present-day heroic journey that both informs and inspires. We discover what it is like to be born with severe hearing loss, how isolating and lonely it is to be an outcast simply because she can’t hear what is being said all around her.

We watch her hide her disability from others, including to some degree her own mother, whom she doesn’t want to distress. We see her need for a special friend who can tell her about the homework assignments she has not heard announced, and her inability to join in when groups of friends get together. We watch her develop unshaking determination and strength as she works hard at hiding her disability from the world in days when no one talked about such things. And we are relieved that over the years more support for her hearing loss becomes available so that she can gradually reveal the truth of her situation and receive the support she so very much needs and deserves.

Claudia is clearly a woman of remarkable depth and integrity, talented in surprisingly diverse ways, and it is clear that one would never guess in knowing her now what a challenging life she has led.

I highly recommend this book to all readers. Besides being a captivatingly personal and moving story, it illuminates the experiences of those with severe hearing disabilities, informing us in an impressively clear and vibrant manner of a world otherwise unknown to the typical reader. It is a book that will both distress and uplift you, and very thoroughly satisfy you through its excellent writing and honest storytelling.

[Catherine Porter · Rating 5 out of 5]

But You Look So Normal is a wonderful memoir, intelligent and poignant, thoughtful, honest and beautifully written. Marseille creates a felt experience of her interior and outward facing worlds -- not just as someone who is hearing impaired but as someone who pays exquisite attention to the beauty and travails of Life. There's an uplift in her assessment of how people overcome any fraught experience, like isolation or fear of failure. Acceptance and forgiveness reign. Marseille has written her own story, but it speaks to the full human condition and I enjoyed every page of this book.

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Claudia Marseille’s memoir, But You Look So Normal, is both heart-breaking and inspirational – in addition to being a good read. As a child with a profound hearing loss, she was thrown into the hearing world with little understanding or support. Her courage shines through as she embraces adventures, learns to speak up for herself, heals from heartache, and succeeds in creating a fulfilling life. I felt honored to be let into her world.

[Katie Kaboom · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fascinating memoir, I knew nothing of this woman until reading this and I feel like we went through her whole upbringing together. There's still so much that society needs to learn in the likes of Invisible Disabilities and Illnesses, but compared to the 50s/60s? Wow, are we better off.
It was also fascinating to me that she was third her in lineage to get a divorce, especially when those came with so much shame around that time frame -- yet, there was no shame when she spoke of her divorces, her pre-marridal sex , and so on. Before reading this I thought it was just common for shame to follow those subjects around, but none of the woman in her family where shameful, however, they were also not religious, and I think there lies the connection.
The only shame she felt was for her disability, which can be said for anyone in her shoes I think! But even then when she found her now husband, she feels so much less shame and I think that's the goal.
Disabilities are not shameful!

[Jilly Marie C · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written memoir about Claudia’s experience with a severe hearing loss. A captivating read that I couldn’t put down!

[Kate Wooddell · Rating 5 out of 5]

But You Look So Normal: Lost and Found in a Hearing World by Claudia Marseille is a profoundly captivating memoir that chronicles one woman’s struggle to accept the limitations of her hearing loss and learn to advocate for herself. The author takes us on a compelling journey as she shapes and refines her creative identity from multiple levels of familial trauma, the mishigas resulting from inappropriate placement in early mainstream classes, and the effort to constantly analyze and reconfigure her best presentation of self. The storytelling is as fluid as her pathway through childhood, high school, college, and early adulthood is rocky. Claudia mediates her story with humor and grace, love and forgiveness, and a depth of insight into human nature to which all her readers should aspire.

Being the same age as Ms. Marseille, many characters in her life evoked intense memories. I recalled the silent classmate in Catholic school in the 1950s who wore that mysterious contraption strapped across her chest. How did I not befriend her better in the five years we shared? I reflected on a young cousin who, like Claudia, did not speak until age four and, while hearing was not her issue, likewise suffered from misguided educational placements navigated by parents committed to the belief that there was “nothing wrong” with their child.

Most shamefully, Claudia reminded me of the stooped tall girl hiding behind long black hair who was escorted into one of my earliest twelfth-grade English classes. She was abruptly being “mainstreamed” to earn a standard diploma by year’s end. Her story is much like Claudia’s story, but without the ability to reflect on and moderate her situation, minus the courage to comply with strategies that might aid her classroom engagement, to speak on her own behalf, or to relinquish her overly burdensome reliance on the classmate who was supposed to “help” her through the year. This book made me long to turn back the clock and meet this lonely and embarrassed girl where she was, reassure her we could be a team, and keep her in this class until graduation—none of which happened. So, it was a relief to share Claudia’s journey towards advocacy and to celebrate her successes in multiple endeavors.

While I shed occasional tears thinking of these ghosts from my past, I primarily found myself reading fully into the author’s life and gracing her struggles with an equal measure of teary-eyed sympathy as well as laughter and cheers for the moments when she overcame each obstacle. We easily slip back into our own childhood aspirations every time the author explores a new dream: classical piano performance, archeology, romance, and art. We learn, too, how the lessons she acquired while navigating hearing loss, prepared her for many of these bold adventures.

The characters in Claudia’s life are colorful and poignant, making her odyssey more engaging and instructive. I would have assumed that being raised by intellectual European parents in the Berkeley of the 1960s would have been a stimulating experience. Neither of mine had finished high school, so this configuration, alone, established a bit of exoticism for me. As did Claudia’s own exploration of her Jewish background, including her time living and working in a kibbutz. The unfathomable Holocaust experiences that shaped her mother’s personality, too, created a major conflict across the trajectory of the author’s life and did not leave her mother in a position to mitigate the oddities and disappointments that summed up the entirety of Claudia’s relationship with her father.

But You Look So Normal: Lost and Found in a Hearing World is a graceful, fast-paced read full of surprises. The author successfully melds the personal and universal struggle to be heard, for which of course, she first needs to hear the world around her. While struggling to overcome obstacles in order to evaluate and avail herself of the opportunities life has offered, Claudia Marseille weaves crystalline memories and varied settings that pave the way for her triumphs. But You Look So Normal is a must read for anyone raising, teaching, counseling, or advocating for persons with hearing loss, as well as for anyone who loves an engaging life story.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Imagine people talking all around you, and you can’t hear any one voice well enough to distinguish the words. Someone telephones with important information, and you can’t hear them. Everyone is talking about this song they heard on the radio, but you can’t hear the radio. Unless you can look someone in the face and read their lips or read a written transcript, you are lost. That was the situation for Claudia Marseille growing up with a severe hearing loss. Nearly deaf, she fumbled through her youth too embarrassed to disclose her disability and missing a great deal of what was said all around her. Meanwhile, her parents were splitting up, and her Jewish mother and grandmother were still dealing with the trauma of barely escaping the Nazi’s in their native Germany. In this memoir, Marseille tells her story with great honesty as she slowly learns to speak up for her needs and struggles through many challenges to find happiness. Along the way, she takes us to Germany and Israel as well as Berkeley, California in the 60s. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. As someone who suffers from hearing loss, though not as severe as Marseille’s, I could identify with the author’s struggles, and I am grateful someone has put it in words.

[Joey Long · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading about this woman's life. Thank God we have come a long way in hearing aid technology. Her skills as a lipreader helped the author navigate the hearing world. This is a testimony to her intelligence and perseverance as lipreading is very, very difficult. As a speech language pathologist, I know that only about 20% of speech is detected by speech (lip) reading alone. Paired with residual hearing and/or hearing aids, it goes up but never to 100%. Brava Claudia Marseille.

[Jeff Bauer · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful, surprising, touching book. I read it randomly and do not have any connection or identification with Marseille's experiences, circumstances or upbringing. But this book is less about her hearing loss or family and more about this remarkable woman's unbelievable strength and resilience.

[Penny Lane · Rating 5 out of 5]

"But You Look So Normal: Lost and Found in a Hearing World" by Claudia Marseille is a remarkable and deeply moving account of one woman's journey to find her place in a world that often misunderstands and overlooks the deaf and hard of hearing. It is a testament to the power of resilience and the importance of embracing one's identity.

Claudia Marseille's writing is not just eloquent but profoundly authentic. From the very first page, I was drawn into her world, feeling the highs and lows of her experiences as if my own. Through her candid narrative, Marseille navigates the challenges she faced growing up with a severe hearing loss in a hearing-centric society. She artfully portrays our universal struggle for self-acceptance and the longing for a sense of belonging.

One of the book's most significant strengths is its ability to bridge the gap between the deaf and hearing worlds. Marseille’s experiences provide valuable insights into the hearing loss experience that many hearing individuals may not have previously considered. Her vivid descriptions of both the struggles and triumphs she encountered on her journey create a profound sense of empathy and understanding.

Her storytelling is both educational and captivating, making it an accessible read for both those familiar with the topic and newcomers seeking to broaden their horizons. Claudia’s sense of humor shines through, adding a delightful layer of wit to her narrative. Her ability to find humor in the face of adversity is not only endearing but also serves as a powerful reminder of the strength of the human spirit.

"But You Look So Normal" is a book that will resonate with a wide range of readers, from individuals within the hearing-impaired community seeking validation and shared experiences to those outside of it hoping to gain a deeper understanding. Claudia Marseille's memoir serves as an inspiring testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the importance of embracing one's unique identity. It is a beautifully written and thought-provoking work that will leave a lasting impression on its readers. Highly recommended for anyone interested in stories of triumph over adversity and the pursuit of self-discovery. I loved it.

[Barbara Stark-Nemon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Claudia Marseille’s revelatory memoir, But You Look So Normal- Lost and Found in a Hearing World , tells the searing truth about her experience with late-identified congenital severe hearing loss in a family and an era in which the absence of advocacy, accommodation, technology and public policy left her to struggle on her own to fit into the hearing world.

As a teacher and hearing professional who lived through the decades Marseilles describes, I was struck with the congruence of Marseilles’ incisive narrative of the sensory, relational and emotional experiences of her home, school and social interactions with those of the children and families I’d worked with. I also understood from personal history, the inherited trauma of a child of German immigrants with World War II and the Holocaust as a backdrop.

I rooted for Marseilles as she survived an early failed marriage, adjusted to living in foreign lands, and eventually found herself and her art in a productive and joyful life forged out of resilience, and an openness to loving acceptance of her right to advocate for what she needed, and to find and trust those who nurtured her best self. This is a wonderfully descriptive “lost and found” story with a deep dive into the often-hidden challenges of significant hearing loss, told by a skilled writer.

[Lesley McIntosh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Claudia Marseille has written an honest memoir of her childhood challenges as she grows up with limited hearing due to a drug her mother was prescribed during pregnancy.
Her parents had a difficult relationship both having been migrants to America following WW2 and this may have added to Claudia's acceptance to live in a silent world until her disability was picked up and acknowledged when she was 4 years old. It seems incredible she was able to do most of her schooling without her peers and teachers being aware of her hearing difficulties but I was so pleased to read that as an adult she has been able to acknowledge her disability and has found joy and happiness in family life
Slightly repetitive in places but the book is a useful read and I am pleased our local library chose to get a copy of this book to have on their shelves after I made the request.
I found the print quite small as one of my eyes is affected with cataract but I was determined to finish reading it. I loved the inclusion of photos throughout, it added a personal touch to a memoir I found quite sad in places because Claudia felt so alone for much of her childhood
I now have digital hearing aids and love the help they have given me , enabling me to continue to participate in my community.

[Mary Erickson · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author had a rough road to adulthood, primarily because of major hearing loss caused by an (oddly unnamed) medication her mother took while she was pregnant. Her near-deafness was undiagnosed until age 4 when a primary school teacher pointed it out to her rather clueless parents. Her father was self-absorbed and manic, her mother was a Holocaust survivor. Their bitter conflicts and inevitable divorce were traumatizing. Throughout her school years she struggled with social isolation and educational frustration because of her communication shortfalls and lack of support from staff or parents.

So, we appreciate her hard path to eventual artistic success, and we are glad she is happily married and has raised a child.

That said, the memoir needed a firmer hand with editing, as it is somewhat repetitive. The narrative moves along at a brisk clip and the prose is functional, but flat in tone. And do we really want so much detail about her various lovers and husbands? I certainly didn't.

2.5-3.0 stars

[Francine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ms. Marseille gives us a story of a life well-lived, despite being challenged by lifelong severe hearing impairment. As a person with a visible disability, I could well relate to the concept of "passing," when one tries hard to be like "normal" people, with a modicum of pretending in order to fit in and not cause problems. And that in itself causes personal denial, social isolation and other issues. Marseille is an excellent writer and all the specific vignettes and personal history enrich our understanding of what it means to seek full expression in friendships, music, studies and all the desires a girl or young woman naturally has, while navigating deafness at the same time. This memoir, despite the subject matter, is actually very entertaining, a page turner! I also appreciated the tips on nuances of assistive hearing devices at the end of the book, since as I age, I have also begun to experience hearing loss. Highly recommend this book, whether you know someone with hearing loss or not.

[Erica · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a memoir of a person who describes herself as "severely hard of hearing."

With a hearing aid, she is able to lip-read effectively enough to persist in being part of the "hearing world" and never developing any curiosity about the Deaf world.

Due to family dysfunction and personality quirks, she does not usually inform her parents of her challenges, and they don't notice them. The schools in her progressive, college-centered community fail to observe the effect of her hearing impairment on her educational achievement, nor did they offer support for her educational or social challenges.

With no intervention and no awareness of available services, it is as if she lived thousands of miles away from any other Deaf people, rather than about 2 miles away from a well-known, acclaimed School for the Deaf, founded over 75 years before she was born.

The author repeatedly details specific incidences in which many parents or teachers would have been alerted that intervention was needed, and she squarely lays the blame on her parents and herself - but to readers, it needs more of an explanation: How could they all have persisted in being so naive and so uncurious about alternatives?

The descriptions of childhood ignorance left me melancholy, but the same lack of knowledge in a teen, young adult, and adult becomes irksome. Society was becoming more aware of the need to support a variety of disabilities, including recognizing the needs of Deaf people - why did this family remain in a backwater right in the center of a hub of "disability awareness"?

ACK INTERRUPTED. WILL WRITE LATER

[Gail McCormick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Author, painter, and inspiring advocate for people with disabilities, Claudia Marseille is an artist both on the page and on canvas. Her memoir, But You Look So Normal: Lost and Found in a Hearing World is a prize-winning portrait of a gifted woman with a severe hearing disability that separated her from life and relationships for decades. Marseille describes her inner and outer worlds, her survival strategies, and her fascinating history and complex family dynamics with extraordinary eloquence and detail. As an only child, growing up in California with parents who had fled from Nazi Germany and were oblivious to her emotional pain and needs, she felt invisible even at home. Still, she portrays her traumatized parents with even-handedness, insight, and grace. Set against captivating backdrops, including the 1960s cultural revolution in Berkeley, California and a kibbutz in Israel, But You Look So Normal grabbed me from the start and didn’t let go.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

But You Look So Normal is such a rich and satisfying story, providing a window into the isolation experienced with profound hearing loss, while showing the grit it takes for a young girl to stop protecting others and begin to advocate for herself. Claudia’s parents, suffering from their own past traumas, live in denial of her disability and attempt to mainstream her into public school classrooms with little support. As heartbreaking as it is to witness Claudia as a young girl trying to fit into situations she cannot understand, it is immensely satisfying to follow her trajectory into a richly fulfilling adulthood. Throughout this crisply written memoir, Claudia offers an intimate and informative view of hearing disabiity. Her vividly described characters and relationships will keep you turning the pages, and you’ll feel enriched by getting to know Claudia Marseille. Highly recommend!

[Ellen Barker · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read for anyone, whether or not you or someone you know has difficulty hearing. This is a well-told story of a girl growing up in the 50s and coming of age in late-1960s Berkeley. It's a peek into that world and into the world of a kid growing up in any decade and feeling the need to hide something about herself or her family. The author of this memoir is not looking for sympathy, she's just telling her story. And it's an interesting and enlightening story. It takes me back to grade school, when a boy failed first grade - only to find out that he couldn't hear. And as the story progresses to today, it gives us a lot of insight into coping with age-related hearing loss in ourselves and those around us.

[Barbara Ridley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Claudia Marseille's memoir will grab you from the opening pages. Finally diagnosed with a severe hearing loss at the age of four, Marseille had to navigate her way through a mainstream education in an era before accommodations for people with disabilities, and with bulky ineffective analog hearing aids. Her parents were going through an acrimonious divorce and ill-equipped to advocate on her behalf, leaving her isolated and unable to participate in many social activities. But this is a story of resilience and triumph, as she learns how to find allies and gains the courage to speak up and embrace her challenges. A remarkable story.

[Norma · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was perusing out new book section at the library I managed and the title stood out to me. After reading the back and discovering the authors was local I picked it up. Growing up with parents with disabilities and looking normal but having a disability as well this resonated with me. Sadly the time that the author grew up in disabilities were really accepted at talked about as a subject. I feel for th author especially as I have always know Berkeley as forward thinking community. But with perseverance the author wins in life. I hope I get to meet her one day.

[Susan W. Friedman · Rating 5 out of 5]

In her beautifully written and deeply personal memoir, But You Look So Normal, Claudia Marseille invites us into her world as a hard-of-hearing person--particularly the struggles she faced in the 1950s, '60s, and '70s, before more innovative hearing technology and before the Americans with Disabilities Act became law.

Marseille challenges us to consider how other invisible disabilities can shape the lives of children, teens, and adults in ways we often overlook

This is an illuminating read!!

[Monica M Gerhart · Rating 5 out of 5]

Starting with the beginning prologue, I was completely captivated by “But You Look So Normal”, by Claudia Marseille. She describes growing up with the potentially heart-rending trifecta of profound hearing loss, a Holocaust survivor mother and a brilliant but mostly inattentive German father. Her writing is captivating throughout, is a remarkable story of resilience and perseverance, and a gentle reminder to never make assumptions about others.

[Rachelle Barber · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a riveting account of undiagnosed hearing loss of a child who before the age of 4 and her parents decided to mainstream her without needed tools to cope with or support from the medical and educational fields as these were minimally available in the early 50's. Her memoir is one of courage, perseverance and steadfast determination to become part of her society, finding her way to become self actualized and create a full and loving life. A must read!

[Marie H Sprague · Rating 5 out of 5]

loved this book

I really enjoyed this book. It is well written and gives an accurate description of what a person with a profound hearing loss can experience. As a person with a profound hearing loss myself, I could associate with a lot of the feelings Claudia experienced. Her life story is quite intriguing . I had a hard time putting the book down. The ending gives a lot of helpful information on what is available today. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

[Quinn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well-written and engaging account of a woman's fantastic life. I have an invisible disability myself, albeit not nearly so omnipresent in my life as severe hearing loss, but it still made me feel seen to hear about Claudia's management of her own disability. I also strongly related to her complex relationship with her father and her social isolation in school. All in all I ended up enjoying this book far more than I thought I would.

[Elaina · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well done memoir where Marseille details her story growing up with significant hearing loss. We hear about her parents’ denial of the situation as well as her internal struggle of needing, but feeling bad for asking for, accommodations. Unexpected to me was a brief discussion about the Palestine/Israel conflict, but I think Marseille does an excellent job in showing that being for the rights of the Palestinians does not necessarily mean people are anti-Jew.

[Jessie Treece · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this read, but there was a lot of repetition and some details that were unnecessary, and I feel like they took away from the story. Also would’ve appreciated more information on the Deaf community versus so much about the hearing world. Especially since there were a lot of resources for the Deaf community at the time. I think that would’ve added a lot, but I also know that this is the author’s story and experience so maybe she and her family just genuinely weren’t aware of it.

[Darlene Chalker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful insight with some laugh out loud moments. This is a great read about the author's experiences and struggles and successes at being a hearing-impaired child growing up fully immersed in a hearing world. And, not just her, this story also shares stories about her family life and her unique and challenging father.

[Katherine R · Rating 5 out of 5]

This moving, unique personal story will resonate with anyone who's every had parents they didn't fully understand, who didn't fully understand them. And it also offers funny, touching, surprising insights into what it was like for one little girl to grow up feeling isolated and othered. Highly recommend!

[Gabrielle Scheibley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book. She was in the Bay Area so lot to connect there. I may a Hard Review star grader but it is what it is