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The Good Daughter Syndrome: Help For Empathic Daughters of Narcissistic, Borderline, or Difficult Mothers Trapped in the Role of the Good Daughter
You love your mother, but she drives you crazy.
She controls, criticizes, and butts into your life constantly. Then when you try and set boundaries, the pushback, and resulting guilt is so bad you tell yourself... it's just not worth it.
Is your mother narcissistic, borderline, or just plain difficult?
Are you empathetic, sensitive, and kind?
Do you feel stuck in your relationship with Mom-
-trying to please her but never feeling good enough?
- feel responsible for Mom's emotional well-being?
-struggle to set boundaries without feeling guilty or get so much pushback you end up feeling like ...it's just not worth it?
If so, chances are you have fallen into one or all of the hidden psychological traps that constitute The Good Daughter Syndrome.
Many self-aware daughters of narcissistic, borderline, or just plain difficult mothers know they need to stand up to their mothers and set healthy boundaries. Yet, they can't bring themselves to do it and don't know why.
They are caught in unconscious traps they can't see or fully understand.
Trapped by their difficult mother's needs, the empathetic daughter can't see a way to break free and still feel like a good person.
She can't see these traps that keep her parallelized with guilt... or going round and round having the same arguments and getting nowhere with Mom, but I can.
Even better, I know how to escape them.
After helping hundreds of "Good" daughters break free as a psychotherapist, I have discovered four unconscious traps that cause attuned daughters to put their mother’s needs ahead of their own.
1) The Never Good Enough Trap keeps her chasing her mother’s approval, although it never comes.
2) The Guilt Trap keeps her feeling responsible for her mother’s happiness, unable to say "No" or stand up for herself.
3) The Self-doubt Trap chains her to an internalized critical mother voice and steals her confidence.
4) The Mixed Message Trap causes her to accept her mother's shaming messages and tell herself it is "for your own good."
I expose the unconscious agreements (made in childhood) and accompanying false core beliefs that give each trap its staying power. Then, using the newest advances in attachment research, trauma-informed practices, and neurobiology, I help daughters trapped in the Good Daughter role escape and break the cycle of intergenerational wounding so that they can-
Following my step-by-step system, you can escape this destructive dynamic, finally feel good enough, stand up to your mother without guilt, and replace self-doubt with self-trust and shame with self-acceptance.
Then, whether or not your mother ever changes, you can break free of this disempowering dynamic and claim a life that is truly your own.
She controls, criticizes, and butts into your life constantly. Then when you try and set boundaries, the pushback, and resulting guilt is so bad you tell yourself... it's just not worth it.
Is your mother narcissistic, borderline, or just plain difficult?
Are you empathetic, sensitive, and kind?
Do you feel stuck in your relationship with Mom-
-trying to please her but never feeling good enough?
- feel responsible for Mom's emotional well-being?
-struggle to set boundaries without feeling guilty or get so much pushback you end up feeling like ...it's just not worth it?
If so, chances are you have fallen into one or all of the hidden psychological traps that constitute The Good Daughter Syndrome.
Many self-aware daughters of narcissistic, borderline, or just plain difficult mothers know they need to stand up to their mothers and set healthy boundaries. Yet, they can't bring themselves to do it and don't know why.
They are caught in unconscious traps they can't see or fully understand.
Trapped by their difficult mother's needs, the empathetic daughter can't see a way to break free and still feel like a good person.
She can't see these traps that keep her parallelized with guilt... or going round and round having the same arguments and getting nowhere with Mom, but I can.
Even better, I know how to escape them.
After helping hundreds of "Good" daughters break free as a psychotherapist, I have discovered four unconscious traps that cause attuned daughters to put their mother’s needs ahead of their own.
1) The Never Good Enough Trap keeps her chasing her mother’s approval, although it never comes.
2) The Guilt Trap keeps her feeling responsible for her mother’s happiness, unable to say "No" or stand up for herself.
3) The Self-doubt Trap chains her to an internalized critical mother voice and steals her confidence.
4) The Mixed Message Trap causes her to accept her mother's shaming messages and tell herself it is "for your own good."
I expose the unconscious agreements (made in childhood) and accompanying false core beliefs that give each trap its staying power. Then, using the newest advances in attachment research, trauma-informed practices, and neurobiology, I help daughters trapped in the Good Daughter role escape and break the cycle of intergenerational wounding so that they can-
Following my step-by-step system, you can escape this destructive dynamic, finally feel good enough, stand up to your mother without guilt, and replace self-doubt with self-trust and shame with self-acceptance.
Then, whether or not your mother ever changes, you can break free of this disempowering dynamic and claim a life that is truly your own.
272 pages, Paperback
Published March 8, 2023
775 people are currently reading
2640 people want to read
About the author
Katherine Fabrizio
5 books20 followersA licensed psychotherapist for over 30 years, Katherine Fabrizio has been working to help women heal from the guilt, shame and self-doubt that holds them back from living fully.
Katherine believes at the heart of the is problem is the dysfunctional dynamic daughters have with their mothers.
She reasons that because all women have been wounded by the patriarchal culture they can't help but pass these wounds down the maternal line.
To heal, she maintains we need to look no further than the divine feminine. In her book she explains how to look beyond the maternal lie and use feminine power to right the wrongs of mother/daughter dysfunction. .
Katherine has worked as a singer, painter and writer- lover of all things feminine, sensual and creative .
She has raised 2 daughters to adulthood and is fascinated with learning from her mistakes and delighting in what looks now like successes.
She is still learning from her adult daughters and speaks regularly with her own mother.
Katherine lives in Raleigh N.C. with her beloved husband who listens intently to all of her musings.
Together, they love on their rescue dog Sam.
Katherine believes at the heart of the is problem is the dysfunctional dynamic daughters have with their mothers.
She reasons that because all women have been wounded by the patriarchal culture they can't help but pass these wounds down the maternal line.
To heal, she maintains we need to look no further than the divine feminine. In her book she explains how to look beyond the maternal lie and use feminine power to right the wrongs of mother/daughter dysfunction. .
Katherine has worked as a singer, painter and writer- lover of all things feminine, sensual and creative .
She has raised 2 daughters to adulthood and is fascinated with learning from her mistakes and delighting in what looks now like successes.
She is still learning from her adult daughters and speaks regularly with her own mother.
Katherine lives in Raleigh N.C. with her beloved husband who listens intently to all of her musings.
Together, they love on their rescue dog Sam.
Ratings & Reviews
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
December 29, 2023
So, I don't generally read a lot of self-help (I used to) or post it to my GoodReads, because it's kind of vulnerable, but I wanted to review this book. Overall I think it's a very valuable resource for children of mothers with Narcissism or BPD. While a good portion of the book did not apply to my own mother, a good portion of it did. It was a painful read, and I learned a lot. It's unbelievable how much trauma can impact a person's life, self-confidence, and path. Intergenerational trauma terrifies me, and I worry about continuing that trauma to my own children, and short-changing my own life, and my own well-being. I think this is a very worthy read for those needing it. Her writing style is accessible and open and I think it is very helpful to understand yourself, and what role you play in enabling your own treatment, and sense of self-worth.
My criticisms: They are small, but I found the exercises redundant and the book to drag on and repeat itself. For those that are uncomfortable with religion or spirituality there is mention of the word god / church maybe once or twice, but not in any pushy way, and I appreciate the sensitivity to people's personal spiritual beliefs. For those sensitive to new-age thinking (it doesn't bother me) there are some kind of out there moments and terms. Again, these are small, and not deal breakers. I also felt at many times like.... "Whoa, this reminds me of Drop Dead Fred, and this monster-mommy syndrome," and too much focus on ones mother, and not enough on one's self. My last is, this focuses a lot on some very overt actions/words by these mothers, less about subtleties, and I wish there was more about daughters who have their own children, and how to heal, not carry on learned parenting wounds.
My criticisms: They are small, but I found the exercises redundant and the book to drag on and repeat itself. For those that are uncomfortable with religion or spirituality there is mention of the word god / church maybe once or twice, but not in any pushy way, and I appreciate the sensitivity to people's personal spiritual beliefs. For those sensitive to new-age thinking (it doesn't bother me) there are some kind of out there moments and terms. Again, these are small, and not deal breakers. I also felt at many times like.... "Whoa, this reminds me of Drop Dead Fred, and this monster-mommy syndrome," and too much focus on ones mother, and not enough on one's self. My last is, this focuses a lot on some very overt actions/words by these mothers, less about subtleties, and I wish there was more about daughters who have their own children, and how to heal, not carry on learned parenting wounds.
August 2, 2023
Best book ever on difficult mothers.
I have read many books covering this topic. I found this one after yet another frustrating episode with my mother, made all the worse by the fact she is dying. My mother's childhood trauma, through WW II in Scotland, was epic. She became a crazy-making, cruel mother who left me with her brutal alcoholic father, who sexually abused her for years, so she could go on vacation. He raped me when I was five years old.
I carried that truth for 63 years, never telling my mother for fear she couldn't handle it. Instead it created a painful autoimmune disorder that ruled my life and poisoned my romantic relationships.
I have done extensive work on myself to heal, but this book was the key to truly understanding the powerful negative dynamic I shared with my mother. It freed me to stop carrying that dark secret and give it back to her. Only then, did my condition heal.
This is a phenomenal book. I can't thank the author enough for her succinct, clear, liberating explanation for all the years I knew my mother loved me, but didn't like me. For all her efforts to sabotage my success.
You may not have had a mother as extreme as mine. Nevertheless, do yourself a favor. Read this book. It will open your eyes.
I have read many books covering this topic. I found this one after yet another frustrating episode with my mother, made all the worse by the fact she is dying. My mother's childhood trauma, through WW II in Scotland, was epic. She became a crazy-making, cruel mother who left me with her brutal alcoholic father, who sexually abused her for years, so she could go on vacation. He raped me when I was five years old.
I carried that truth for 63 years, never telling my mother for fear she couldn't handle it. Instead it created a painful autoimmune disorder that ruled my life and poisoned my romantic relationships.
I have done extensive work on myself to heal, but this book was the key to truly understanding the powerful negative dynamic I shared with my mother. It freed me to stop carrying that dark secret and give it back to her. Only then, did my condition heal.
This is a phenomenal book. I can't thank the author enough for her succinct, clear, liberating explanation for all the years I knew my mother loved me, but didn't like me. For all her efforts to sabotage my success.
You may not have had a mother as extreme as mine. Nevertheless, do yourself a favor. Read this book. It will open your eyes.
January 4, 2024
If you've lived this, you will relate
This year was an extremely tough one with my own mother and we set up boundaries. Just because boundaries are up especially when they are strong boundaries, you may feel guilty. After reading this book, I know our decisions were for the best for our own health and although they do hurt at times, this book truly helped work through further some of those thoughts and feelings that came out around the holidays. After reading this , I felt at peace with my choices.
It's also nice to know one is not alone in this.
This year was an extremely tough one with my own mother and we set up boundaries. Just because boundaries are up especially when they are strong boundaries, you may feel guilty. After reading this book, I know our decisions were for the best for our own health and although they do hurt at times, this book truly helped work through further some of those thoughts and feelings that came out around the holidays. After reading this , I felt at peace with my choices.
It's also nice to know one is not alone in this.
August 26, 2025
Eh. There were some good nuggets of information here and there, but overall, I didn't find anything spectacular about this book. I may or may not recommend it to clients, but I'd be sure we are doing the deeper work in sessions because the suggestions in this book are pretty surface level.
June 24, 2024
Wow. This was so relatable and really felt SPOT ON. I learned A LOT.
March 30, 2025
I think this book was hard for me because it made me realize I’m not ready to heal or put in the time and energy to repair our relationship. I honestly thought this was going to be a straightforward “you moms fucked up, you’re seen, this is how to fix her” but it’s more.. your mom is who she is and she will never change and this is how you learn how to deal with that.
I’m not ready to deal with that.
This also didn’t touch too much on how my mom actually acts, but here’s some points I took from it:
-if mom didn’t get the love or affirmation she needed when she was young, places inside of her remain wounded and raw, even if she is out of touch with them
-a traumatic event is one we cannot fully remember and recall with clarity
-the ability to recall what happened to you is how you know is an unpleasant event was not a traumatic one
-for non traumatic events, you can learn from them, process and move on
-if mom was unpredictable in her parenting and you are sensitive and attuned, you develop an insecure attachment style to compensate
-you assume that put downs and emotional neglect are all par for the course in relationships: normal
-healing from a lifetime spent in the “never good enough” trap is about more than changing how you deal with your mother, it’s about changing how you deal with others, the world, and life
-it’s about changing your relationship with yourself, breaking habits you formed as a defense against your mothers toxicity
-when you’re in an approval-seeking frame of mind, your posture is different. Your center of gravity is literally off balance
-this sends a message that you’re unsure, submissive, and small
Facing what mom couldn’t face:
-this “never good enough” business started because your mom avoided feeling unworthy and empty because of her need to feel special, relevant, and right at your expense
-she couldn’t, or didn’t, deal with her wound; she just disguised it and wounded you
The good news about emptiness:
-honest emptiness has magnetizing energy. You can’t draw in what your heart desires if you appear to the world to already have whatever you want
-in the “never good enough” trap your mom taught you that she has boundless needs, but doesn’t admit to them. Hiding behind a facade of specialness to mask her emptiness
-you don’t need to do this
-your mothers dependence on you is based on defense mechanisms she developed to avoid painful feelings of abandonment and loss
-because mom can’t support your growing independence without unsettling those defenses, she signaled to you that she was threatened by your growing up and away from her
-depending on moms level of abandonment issues, the disappointment of telling her no will trigger her defenses and a torrent of emotions
-in this moment, you become a stand in for everyone who has ever let her down
-human beings think guilt is a necessary emotion even though it isn’t
-the fact that you’re conditioned to feel guilty, doesn’t mean you ARE guilty
-your mother has deep insecurity about herself that she keeps locked away in her psyche
-because mom cannot own her insecurities, she projects them onto you
-whatever her motive, when mom takes over and weighs in, she interrupts your process; it’s completing that process (learning from your mistakes when you make them) and taking the credit for your eventual successes that gives YOU inner confidence
-hyper critical: pointing out things in other people as an example of how not to be
How to respond:
-“I hear you’re worried, but I don’t share your worry”
-“I appreciate you want the best for me, but I need to figure out what’s best for me on my own”
-“I appreciate your concern for me, but what I need most from you is your confidence that I will make the best choice”
-“I hear you want me to make the right decision. That’s important to me as well. However, it is also important that I make a decision that reflects my feelings and where I am right now. I hope you can respect that.”
-all of these are examples of conversations between two people who are separate and respect each other. Two people with two different independent internal lives instead of one.
-striving to live an autonomous life is healthy
-by separating from your mom, rejecting your mom, you’re developing you.
-a difficult mother signals to her daughter that she’s not to be questioned, she will be the one asking the questions
-if your mother bit your head off, went off in a huff, gave you the silent treatment, or changed the subject when you asked even non confrontational questions, you may have learned not to ask
-you may have settled into a pattern of avoidance, not to put people on the spot and ask direct questions
-you may think you’re only trying to be considerate and polite, but saying “it’s okay” and “I’m sorry” when neither applies can erase your voice and increase your self doubt
-when they become your default setting, they undermine your credibility
-in healthy interactions, both people treat each other with respect, so think before you speak
-make sure to apologize the right way
-instead of saying “I’m sorry” (automated, dismissively, or submissively) make sure you save it for the times you mean it
-this approach honors both parties
The power of silence:
-when mom baits you or you feel baited, it takes self confidence to take the higher road and say less
-even though you know when you say more (by defending yourself, explaining yourself, rising to the bait) only regrooves the same old power dynamic between you two and results in more of the same, you feel an overwhelming urge to react to what she’s saying so as to not let her get away with it
-resist the temptation to engage
-it often feels like you can either call out moms hostility, and lose her support; or go along with it and swallow the poison
Summary of the mixed message trap:
-when you inadvertently trigger moms anger, wounds, or trauma by something you say, do, or exhibit, she reacts by hurting you and denying to you (and herself) that what she has done is hurtful
-this allows her to normalize the pain or anger she would rather not feel or acknowledge
-to escape this trap, you must break the unconscious agreement that your mothers insults are deserved
-you probably wish that your mother could somehow be more respectful of your boundaries; to stop giving unwanted advise or saying things that have hostile undertones
-you could be unconsciously signaling mom that you secretly actually want these things by giving her too much information in an effort to disarm her and ward off the feelings of shame
-like attracts like: unprocessed, unconscious shame works the same way
-you give shame more energy BECAUSE it’s unprocessed
Practicing restraint:
1)press pause: don’t let her insistence on an immediate response bully you into compliance
2)let her know you received her message
3)wait at least 4 hours to respond
4)when you do respond, ask clarifying questions
-this will take you out of reactive mode and signal that you value yourself
-waiting gives you time to decide how you want to proceed
-by pushing pause, you make more room for you
-you’ve been made to feel like the wrong things you have done were horrible
-however, doing wrong things is human
-as you begin to stand up for yourself, live bigger, and set boundaries, you can expect pushback
-your best action is no reaction at all
-your refusal to “play” will say everything that needs to be said
-only she can do the work for herself
-whether or not she chooses to come with you, you are going forward
-until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life, and you will call it fate
-to avoid feeling scared, ordinary, empty, or lonely, mom put up walls
-walling those scary feelings out eventually walled her in
-these walls protected her, but made her difficult
-as a child, you couldn’t see that mom was behind bars, emprisoned by her difficult personality
-you act as the canary in a coal mine
-your sensitivity and empathy pick up precisely what your mother (and all women in the patriarchal culture) are missing: true power and relevance
-many settled for manipulation
-you can either be a casualty, or you can let it transform you
-you can be your own heroine, your own maternal figure, your own responsible adult protecting and soothing your inner adult
-letting go of that which you cannot change allows you to focus your energy on making changes that are possible
-when you accept loss as a part of life, guilt becomes irrelevant
-in learning to trust yourself, you cultivate confidence
-the never good enough trap is triggered by your mothers feelings of emptiness and unworthiness
-the guilt trap is about HER fears of loss and abandonment
-the self doubt trap is about HER uncertainty and fear, not yours
-the mixed message trap is about how your mother deals with shadow emotions (hostility and envy)
-transforming your deepest wounds through acceptance allows you to create and live a better, richer, more meaningful life
-you move from being a victim of your mothers defenses to the creator of your own life
-in doing so, you take control of your destiny
-if you do decide to act, garner your supports and brace for the pushback and fallout; make sure you’re up for it; know you’re playing the long game
-by achieving what your mother could not, facing the truths that she can’t face, and seeing your mother and yourself with complete honesty, the defenses that shaped and defined you finally lose their power over you
I’m not ready to deal with that.
This also didn’t touch too much on how my mom actually acts, but here’s some points I took from it:
-if mom didn’t get the love or affirmation she needed when she was young, places inside of her remain wounded and raw, even if she is out of touch with them
-a traumatic event is one we cannot fully remember and recall with clarity
-the ability to recall what happened to you is how you know is an unpleasant event was not a traumatic one
-for non traumatic events, you can learn from them, process and move on
-if mom was unpredictable in her parenting and you are sensitive and attuned, you develop an insecure attachment style to compensate
-you assume that put downs and emotional neglect are all par for the course in relationships: normal
-healing from a lifetime spent in the “never good enough” trap is about more than changing how you deal with your mother, it’s about changing how you deal with others, the world, and life
-it’s about changing your relationship with yourself, breaking habits you formed as a defense against your mothers toxicity
-when you’re in an approval-seeking frame of mind, your posture is different. Your center of gravity is literally off balance
-this sends a message that you’re unsure, submissive, and small
Facing what mom couldn’t face:
-this “never good enough” business started because your mom avoided feeling unworthy and empty because of her need to feel special, relevant, and right at your expense
-she couldn’t, or didn’t, deal with her wound; she just disguised it and wounded you
The good news about emptiness:
-honest emptiness has magnetizing energy. You can’t draw in what your heart desires if you appear to the world to already have whatever you want
-in the “never good enough” trap your mom taught you that she has boundless needs, but doesn’t admit to them. Hiding behind a facade of specialness to mask her emptiness
-you don’t need to do this
-your mothers dependence on you is based on defense mechanisms she developed to avoid painful feelings of abandonment and loss
-because mom can’t support your growing independence without unsettling those defenses, she signaled to you that she was threatened by your growing up and away from her
-depending on moms level of abandonment issues, the disappointment of telling her no will trigger her defenses and a torrent of emotions
-in this moment, you become a stand in for everyone who has ever let her down
-human beings think guilt is a necessary emotion even though it isn’t
-the fact that you’re conditioned to feel guilty, doesn’t mean you ARE guilty
-your mother has deep insecurity about herself that she keeps locked away in her psyche
-because mom cannot own her insecurities, she projects them onto you
-whatever her motive, when mom takes over and weighs in, she interrupts your process; it’s completing that process (learning from your mistakes when you make them) and taking the credit for your eventual successes that gives YOU inner confidence
-hyper critical: pointing out things in other people as an example of how not to be
How to respond:
-“I hear you’re worried, but I don’t share your worry”
-“I appreciate you want the best for me, but I need to figure out what’s best for me on my own”
-“I appreciate your concern for me, but what I need most from you is your confidence that I will make the best choice”
-“I hear you want me to make the right decision. That’s important to me as well. However, it is also important that I make a decision that reflects my feelings and where I am right now. I hope you can respect that.”
-all of these are examples of conversations between two people who are separate and respect each other. Two people with two different independent internal lives instead of one.
-striving to live an autonomous life is healthy
-by separating from your mom, rejecting your mom, you’re developing you.
-a difficult mother signals to her daughter that she’s not to be questioned, she will be the one asking the questions
-if your mother bit your head off, went off in a huff, gave you the silent treatment, or changed the subject when you asked even non confrontational questions, you may have learned not to ask
-you may have settled into a pattern of avoidance, not to put people on the spot and ask direct questions
-you may think you’re only trying to be considerate and polite, but saying “it’s okay” and “I’m sorry” when neither applies can erase your voice and increase your self doubt
-when they become your default setting, they undermine your credibility
-in healthy interactions, both people treat each other with respect, so think before you speak
-make sure to apologize the right way
-instead of saying “I’m sorry” (automated, dismissively, or submissively) make sure you save it for the times you mean it
-this approach honors both parties
The power of silence:
-when mom baits you or you feel baited, it takes self confidence to take the higher road and say less
-even though you know when you say more (by defending yourself, explaining yourself, rising to the bait) only regrooves the same old power dynamic between you two and results in more of the same, you feel an overwhelming urge to react to what she’s saying so as to not let her get away with it
-resist the temptation to engage
-it often feels like you can either call out moms hostility, and lose her support; or go along with it and swallow the poison
Summary of the mixed message trap:
-when you inadvertently trigger moms anger, wounds, or trauma by something you say, do, or exhibit, she reacts by hurting you and denying to you (and herself) that what she has done is hurtful
-this allows her to normalize the pain or anger she would rather not feel or acknowledge
-to escape this trap, you must break the unconscious agreement that your mothers insults are deserved
-you probably wish that your mother could somehow be more respectful of your boundaries; to stop giving unwanted advise or saying things that have hostile undertones
-you could be unconsciously signaling mom that you secretly actually want these things by giving her too much information in an effort to disarm her and ward off the feelings of shame
-like attracts like: unprocessed, unconscious shame works the same way
-you give shame more energy BECAUSE it’s unprocessed
Practicing restraint:
1)press pause: don’t let her insistence on an immediate response bully you into compliance
2)let her know you received her message
3)wait at least 4 hours to respond
4)when you do respond, ask clarifying questions
-this will take you out of reactive mode and signal that you value yourself
-waiting gives you time to decide how you want to proceed
-by pushing pause, you make more room for you
-you’ve been made to feel like the wrong things you have done were horrible
-however, doing wrong things is human
-as you begin to stand up for yourself, live bigger, and set boundaries, you can expect pushback
-your best action is no reaction at all
-your refusal to “play” will say everything that needs to be said
-only she can do the work for herself
-whether or not she chooses to come with you, you are going forward
-until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life, and you will call it fate
-to avoid feeling scared, ordinary, empty, or lonely, mom put up walls
-walling those scary feelings out eventually walled her in
-these walls protected her, but made her difficult
-as a child, you couldn’t see that mom was behind bars, emprisoned by her difficult personality
-you act as the canary in a coal mine
-your sensitivity and empathy pick up precisely what your mother (and all women in the patriarchal culture) are missing: true power and relevance
-many settled for manipulation
-you can either be a casualty, or you can let it transform you
-you can be your own heroine, your own maternal figure, your own responsible adult protecting and soothing your inner adult
-letting go of that which you cannot change allows you to focus your energy on making changes that are possible
-when you accept loss as a part of life, guilt becomes irrelevant
-in learning to trust yourself, you cultivate confidence
-the never good enough trap is triggered by your mothers feelings of emptiness and unworthiness
-the guilt trap is about HER fears of loss and abandonment
-the self doubt trap is about HER uncertainty and fear, not yours
-the mixed message trap is about how your mother deals with shadow emotions (hostility and envy)
-transforming your deepest wounds through acceptance allows you to create and live a better, richer, more meaningful life
-you move from being a victim of your mothers defenses to the creator of your own life
-in doing so, you take control of your destiny
-if you do decide to act, garner your supports and brace for the pushback and fallout; make sure you’re up for it; know you’re playing the long game
-by achieving what your mother could not, facing the truths that she can’t face, and seeing your mother and yourself with complete honesty, the defenses that shaped and defined you finally lose their power over you
February 14, 2025
Even though this book is written from an evolutionary viewpoint, I learned so much about why my mother was as she was, and why I reacted to her as I did. She explains the dynamics between a mother who is always critical and a sensitive daughter in such a way that it is very clear to me now.
Although my mother is dead, this helped me understand why I was so enmeshed with her and tried to meet her needs at all times.
I am past reliving events and wishing life had been different, but this really made things crystal clear for me. I am glad I read it.
Although my mother is dead, this helped me understand why I was so enmeshed with her and tried to meet her needs at all times.
I am past reliving events and wishing life had been different, but this really made things crystal clear for me. I am glad I read it.
December 8, 2024
DNF. This is a hard one for me, and I can't fully say it is the fault of the writer that I could neither finish it or review it highly... At least entirely.
Although this book feels like it has captured every aspect of how extremely difficult it is to have a mother with a personality disorder (harder than most people could ever imagine), it goes into so much detail about the grievances and annoyances and struggles that I found myself getting increasingly angry and more depressed. I listened to it on audiobook, and it just felt like listening to hours upon hours of all the 'crappy things mom does to you' in intense infuriating detail - which then made my mood plummet or stirred up to rage. I found that it was then even harder to be around my mother (for context, which is everyday anyway), which was the opposite reason I chose the book.
Eventually I considered that it was affecting my mood so badly I had to stop reading. I just think it spent far too long going into the bad stuff, which frankly you already know about in close detail if you are one of these 'good daughters.' It's a bit too 'preach to the choir'. Also I really hated the agenda pushed on us by the author about lizard brains and evolution - not something I either agree with or appreciate without warning.
It's a good concept of a book but I felt it was hurting me not helping me, and I can't imagine whatever advice it ultimately ended up offering could've been something I haven't already thought of, adapted, or read in one of the copious amounts of literature I've read on the subject already.
Perhaps it would've been better to read normally than listen to, but it wasn't for me I'm afraid.
Although this book feels like it has captured every aspect of how extremely difficult it is to have a mother with a personality disorder (harder than most people could ever imagine), it goes into so much detail about the grievances and annoyances and struggles that I found myself getting increasingly angry and more depressed. I listened to it on audiobook, and it just felt like listening to hours upon hours of all the 'crappy things mom does to you' in intense infuriating detail - which then made my mood plummet or stirred up to rage. I found that it was then even harder to be around my mother (for context, which is everyday anyway), which was the opposite reason I chose the book.
Eventually I considered that it was affecting my mood so badly I had to stop reading. I just think it spent far too long going into the bad stuff, which frankly you already know about in close detail if you are one of these 'good daughters.' It's a bit too 'preach to the choir'. Also I really hated the agenda pushed on us by the author about lizard brains and evolution - not something I either agree with or appreciate without warning.
It's a good concept of a book but I felt it was hurting me not helping me, and I can't imagine whatever advice it ultimately ended up offering could've been something I haven't already thought of, adapted, or read in one of the copious amounts of literature I've read on the subject already.
Perhaps it would've been better to read normally than listen to, but it wasn't for me I'm afraid.
June 9, 2025
Narrow scope
The author writes more about her experience than myriad complicated situations that might cause the good daughter syndrome. Starkly missing is the class of mothers who were pampered throughout and got whatever they wanted and couldn't handle having to care for a child instead of unconditionally getting whatever they wanted. A lot would seem relatable, but it is important to read with a caveat that the underlying causes might be different. It seems she's projecting her mom onto other's, so a lot of her suggestions are impractical for daughters with a different kind of difficult mother. This book is not your therapist, but it shows why it is difficult to get a good therapist and why one must be careful while choosing one.
The author writes more about her experience than myriad complicated situations that might cause the good daughter syndrome. Starkly missing is the class of mothers who were pampered throughout and got whatever they wanted and couldn't handle having to care for a child instead of unconditionally getting whatever they wanted. A lot would seem relatable, but it is important to read with a caveat that the underlying causes might be different. It seems she's projecting her mom onto other's, so a lot of her suggestions are impractical for daughters with a different kind of difficult mother. This book is not your therapist, but it shows why it is difficult to get a good therapist and why one must be careful while choosing one.
June 23, 2024
I wanted more about reworking your own thought patterns and less about the mom. I did learn about the concept of an internal mother and some of the reworking paradigm scripts were helpful, but a lot of repetition and not all that much that was very applicable for me.
August 15, 2024
If there was ever a book written for my inner child, this would be it.
So many great points on women who struggle with people pleasing that starts with their own mothers.
Definitely struck a cord with me and have been able to implement some practices into my life since reading.
So many great points on women who struggle with people pleasing that starts with their own mothers.
Definitely struck a cord with me and have been able to implement some practices into my life since reading.
December 23, 2025
I would have needed to read this book 10 years ago. I found this book really good at explaining the behaviour of difficult mothers. I could relate to a lot to the situations described, while others didn't seem applicable in my case. I wish I had this knowledge growing up, it would have helped me so much. Now, with time, I have of course found my own way of dealing with things. This book still helped me to bring some clarity into certain situations. The only thing I skipped were the exercises. Not really my cup of tea, a lot of them being about visualization and things like that. But maybe they do help, I haven't tried.
March 5, 2024
I started listening to it on audio because I wanted a non-fiction listen and while I enjoyed some insights on how our psyche is influenced by mothers - I could have used more of that and less of the exercises the book teaches “to not be a good daughter” - seriously the social and biological insights would have been so that one can be self-reflective - I found that more helpful and could see how women who are mums will benefit from that. Also, I have read it at the wrong age… If anything I have been finding my own boundaries for a while and have nothing but deep compassion for my mom 💗
July 18, 2024
This is an excellent book, and essential reading for any woman who wants to stop passing on inter generational trauma. The author clearly lays out the “traps” that good daughters get caught in, and she provides helpful and practical exercises to become a differentiated adult daughter, instead of an enmeshed one. I especially liked this phrase:
“The opposite of a Good Daughter isn’t a bad daughter. When “good” means obedient, submissive, and enmeshed, its opposite is self-directed, sovereign, independent, and whole.”
“The opposite of a Good Daughter isn’t a bad daughter. When “good” means obedient, submissive, and enmeshed, its opposite is self-directed, sovereign, independent, and whole.”
January 20, 2025
An eye opening book with an in depth look into maternal narcissistic traits and the various traps that their daughters inevitably fall into at a young age into adult hood. These “good daughters” lots of times unknowingly realize they carry a heavy burden into their adult years and unless freed from the toxic patterns they will continue to carry and suffer their mother’s trauma forever. The author offers lots of excellent advice on how to set boundaries and break the cycles that are played out in these kinds of relationships over and over again.
April 16, 2025
The author has some good advice in here but I got tired of hearing about the healing ritual in which she asks us to visualize a place of worship or a moonlit garden or a windswept beach - couldn’t she have used different descriptions for each ritual?
That being said, I can’t believe the range of issues she covers regarding difficult mothers. She describes both my own mother and the mothers of other women I know, so I guess it’s clear that I’m not alone in being a good daughter lol
That being said, I can’t believe the range of issues she covers regarding difficult mothers. She describes both my own mother and the mothers of other women I know, so I guess it’s clear that I’m not alone in being a good daughter lol
May 21, 2025
Wow! This book is magic! Is the author my long lost big sister or aunt!?… has she been looking over my shoulder my whole life!?… this book has officially has changed my life. I feel like I finally went through my rite of passage as a woman!!! I feel seen, validated and understood…. And like I AM on the right path finally. My intuition even feels validated, my “inner ding” is like “finally, she does hear me!!!”. Wow, just wow.
October 29, 2023
Family members should treat each other with love and respect. On the other hand, there are many mothers who developed toxic coping mechanisms, when they were young, in reaction to their mothers. This author is dedicated to breaking that generational chain of toxic mother - daughter relationships by bringing an understanding of mothers and a plan for daughters.
December 27, 2023
Interesting book on interactions between mothers and daughters. I found that I could relate to a lot of what the author discusses and found it helpful to know that others experience similar relationships with their mothers.
Thanks for the free book.
Thanks for the free book.
May 2, 2024
This book helped me so much through some final stages of healing after going no contact with my mother. I can have compassion for how she got the way she is but that doesn't mean I have to allow her in my life. I have recommended this book to so many women so far.
June 13, 2024
not my cup of tea
I think my mom’s issues and mine re better described by the ACOA and Trauma book. Extremes of behavior from
Sweet to neglectful
So this book was not really for me
I think my mom’s issues and mine re better described by the ACOA and Trauma book. Extremes of behavior from
Sweet to neglectful
So this book was not really for me
August 21, 2024
Great Insights
I enjoyed reading this book. I learnt a lot about myself, but more importantly it helped me see how I can better communicating my feelings, instead of just shutting down or reacting. Definitely great book with great insights.
I enjoyed reading this book. I learnt a lot about myself, but more importantly it helped me see how I can better communicating my feelings, instead of just shutting down or reacting. Definitely great book with great insights.
August 21, 2024
This informational book is only intended for women who want help with their narcissistic mothers. The author is a therapist who has helped thousands of women get control of their lives. It helped me make sense of my chaotic childhood and unstable relationship with my mother. Highly recommended!
February 14, 2025
Revelatory and Practical
This book was so clarifying and informative. I felt truly seen as I read it and the discoveries I made gave me hope for healing and a fulfilling future. I appreciated the examples and exercises provided. Such practical help!
This book was so clarifying and informative. I felt truly seen as I read it and the discoveries I made gave me hope for healing and a fulfilling future. I appreciated the examples and exercises provided. Such practical help!
September 20, 2025
3.5 stars. I didn't agree with every view espoused by the author, but her handling of the main topic seemed fair, balanced, and well-informed. The explanations, increased awareness/understanding, and validation were helpful, and I'm hoping that the exercises will prove likewise.
October 15, 2025
2.5⭐️
A lot didn’t pertain to me and my relationship with my mom but that doesn’t mean the information wasn’t good. I recommend any daughter who’s had difficult or strained relationships with their mom, to give this a try.
A lot didn’t pertain to me and my relationship with my mom but that doesn’t mean the information wasn’t good. I recommend any daughter who’s had difficult or strained relationships with their mom, to give this a try.
June 10, 2023
Why
This is a good book they I come across areas where it was like yes that's me. It's one I will read again.
This is a good book they I come across areas where it was like yes that's me. It's one I will read again.
April 17, 2024
5/5
The author has deep insight and provides real tools to help you move forward. 5/5 recommend to those recovering from difficult childhood relationships.
The author has deep insight and provides real tools to help you move forward. 5/5 recommend to those recovering from difficult childhood relationships.
May 19, 2024
Life changing.
November 21, 2024
It was helpful
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