The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting

by Bunmi Laditan

From the bestselling author of Dear God , an irreverent, bracingly honest, and “awfully funny” ( The Boston Globe ) satirical parenting guide from the Twitter’s most infamous tot, whose unchecked sense of entitlement and undeniable charm have captivated hundreds of thousands of fans.

Are you constantly disappointing the toddler in your life?

Are you tired, stressed out, and looking for relief? I can’t help you with that, but if you want to become an A+ servant to your small child, this book is for you. Who better to teach you about toddlers than another toddler? You will

• How time-outs make you look like a fool
• Why potty training is not only unnecessary but unrealistic for children under eighteen
• Why toddler beds are OUT and letting your child sleep on the diagonal in your bed is IN
• The best way to apologize to your toddler for all of those Pinterest casseroles
• That when you love someone, you accept them as they are, pants or no pants

The hard-hitting knowledge in The Honest Toddler will save you thousands of dollars in unnecessary whole grains and toothbrushes.

Happy reading. You’re doing the right thing. For once.

Genres: Parenting, Humor, Nonfiction, Adult, Comedy, Self Help, Psychology

256 pages, Paperback

First published April 29, 2013

About the author

Hello, my name is Bunmi Laditan. I am a writer living in Quebec, Canada by way of northern California. My writings include The Honest Toddler and Confessions of a Domestic failure and poetry such as Dear Mother and Dear God: Honest Prayers to a God Who Listens.

instagram.com/HonestToddler

facebook.com/BunmiKLaditan

Reviews

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I follow the Honest Toddler on Twitter, and it's an endless source of amusement for me. Laditan, writing as her younger, more high-maintenance child, describes the world as a two-year-old sees it, and she does it perfectly. The trouble is, it's great for tweets, but very wearying in book form. Written like a parenting guide, but a parenting guide written by an entitled toddler telling you how things really ought to be, it's a cute concept but . . . Well, yeah. I see this kind of thing every day with my own kids. Reading about it isn't that great. There's no back and forth between real advice and toddler advice or sense of a punchline or overarching narrative. So it's great to flip through, but not much of a straight through read.

[Cass · Rating 4 out of 5]

I cried with laughter. I read passages out to my husband but never finished them because I couldn't breathe or speak I was laughing so hard.

It is guide to raising a toddler, written by a toddler. The author lets you know all the things you are doing wrong (everything) and how you can fix it (stupid parent... just do what your toddler wants).

The best thing I loved about this book, was that it reminded me that my toddler wasn't the only one throwing a tantrum because the glass of water was not full enough or the wrong parent carried the plate to the table. It reminded me that all children are pretty much the same.

I actually set this book aside for a few months, mostly because my husband was working and we were enjoying reading it together. I picked it up to finish it today and I realised I am in a little bubble at the moment. My eldest child has just excited the toddler stage and my youngest child has yet to enter it. Suddenly the jokes didn't seem quite as hilarious and I remember the golden concept of parenting.... you forget everything.

I was just talking to a mum with a toddler and she was telling me that her daughter has a tantrum when her dinner is cleared from the table (even if the child has left the table and is off playing with toys). I listened in shock as she told me... My first thought was 'oh gosh my daughter never did anything like that' and then I thought a little harder and remember that my daughter did all sorts of things like that... Why do we forget this stuff so quickly?

Seriously, every parent I know completely (and quickly) forgets the difficult aspects of child-raising. They remember children sleeping well and being lovely, they forget the times they wanted to pull their hair out or scream with frustration. They forget what a toddler can be like, they look at other toddlers and believe that their child was never like that.... but they all were.

I like books like this because they remind us that we all dealt with toddlers. Brilliant laugh. I will share with you a few paragraphs with you (remember this book is written by a toddler).

The Honest Toddler talking about Tantrums:

There's a very dirt word that is commonly used to describe the mild outbursts of emotion that toddlers display from time to time. That word is TANTRUM. Not only is this descriptor condescending, it release the part responsible (you) for said "Tantrum"... From now on we'll be throwing the word "tantrum" in the metaphorical outside trash and replacing it with "loud response".
Last week I shared a loud response in our local Linens'n Things. Don't be confused by the name of this retail outlet. There are no Things. Just Linens. After forty-six hours of wandering this textile purgatory, I felt a volcano erupt in my middle back. The last thing I remember is trying to rip an Egyptian-cotton duvet with my teeth and releasing my bowels on a couple of crushed-velvet throw pillows before running for my life. My behavior was a response, not a random occurrence.
Parents, if you wish to gain the respect of your toddler, the first thing you need to do is own your mistakes. For instance, if my parents and I had been at the toy store eating delicious and nutritious ice-cream sundaes, like I'd asked, we could have spent the money that went toward those pee-pee pillows on the new toys I desperately need. Do you see?

The Honest Toddler talking about Breakfast:

Toast with Butter
Step 1: Find an unbroken piece of perfect bread with no rips.
Step 2: Put it toaster. Don't get distracted by a Facebook fight that you have no business participating in.
Step 3: When toast pops out, INSPECT IT. Is it uniform golden-brown color? Is it still intact? If not, return to Step 1.
Step 4: Butter toast liberally. Almond butter is not butter, don't get cute.
Step 5: Ask toddler how she would like toast cut. Don't make assumptions. You don't know anything about anything.
Step 6: Serve toast.
Step 7: Has toddler change his mind about toast? Does toddler want toast whole again? Repair toast with your mind. If you're not powerful enough, return to Step 2 AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES. DON'T BE LAZY.

You will have to read the rest of the book for more.

[Redfox5 · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'll start by saying I don't have a toddler, I never owned one, nor am I planning to birth one in the near future(maybe in the far future, who knows?).

So why am I reading a parenting book? The simple answer is my sister gave it to me. She has children. Sometimes I borrow them. And even as an aunt who doesn't have them 24/7, I can appreciate the humor in this book.

Things I've done for/watched a certain toddler called Adelaide(I'm not leaving my other niece out, she's still in the infant stage) do:

-Pushed an imaginary cat on a swing in the park.
-Made polite conversation about how her imaginary friends are(Kitty, poodle, dolphin, shark and baby - if you must know).
-Explained why Kitty can't come to the panto with us, not even if she stays in her pocket(she's bloody naughty that cat!)
-Had every sentence answered with why. (I only babysat for 4 hours that day, I'm sure the why stage must have gone on for my sister though)
-Witnessed her yelling at a stuffed cat for ruining her Birthday party(I'm not sure what it had done.)

And thats just a small selection of highlights. I'm sure if you live with a toddler, you can come up with tonnes more. I'm sure she would 100% approve of this guide, though I'm not sure at what age they stop becoming toddlers? She might not be one anymore.

Anyways, unless you've never been in contact with a toddler, there will be something in this book to make you laugh out loud. And if you find yourself nodding along at any point and agreeing with this parenting guide then you should never of had kids(apart from the phone bit, as that made me sad).

A fun present for people who are expecting.

[Kelli · Rating 1 out of 5]

I love the status updates on FB so I thought I would check the book out. Getting Honest Toddler status updates is cute in small doses. Reading a whole book about self-absorbed toddlers... just too much. I could get through only two chapters before finally having enough. I have just as much of a sense of humor as the next person, and I can completely relate because I had three toddlers of my own, but the book was just too out of control for my taste.

[Christina Josling · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Honest Toddler is quite easily the best blog/Facebook page for people with kids, people who may have kids, or people who were once kids. It will resonate the loudest with people who are currently raising toddlers to be law abiding, pant wearing, potty trained members of society.

Both my brother and a friend sent me a blog entry and a tweet, "written" by this precocious toddler and I became an immediate fan. All entries, tweets, and Facebook posts are blasted out into the world from the perspective of this juice guzzling, cracker eating tyke.

I highly recommend liking the Facebook page because you'll receive posts such as:

"Watching adults try to get up in the morning is like seeing a baby elephant take its first steps. Incredibly sad but also funny.
"I need coffee." No, what you need is zeal for life not a drink that smells like a forest fire."

or

"Breakfast? I'll have waffles if we have them. If not, I'll have waffles."

(This transpired between Paige and me this morning but instead of waffles it was chocolate chip granola bars.)

or

"Just wanted to give a Valentine's Day shout out to the woman who is always there for me. Grandma, I'll be home all day come over."

and lastly,

"Just heard that the toddler next door has successfully regressed from big kid underwear back into Pull-Ups. I love inspirational stories. I should send a card."

The Honest Toddler's (or HT) blog entries include a letter to "The Juice CEO" and information all parents should know about "The Nap Window". I guarantee you will lose you mind when you read these posts. They are soooo funny.

For the longest time I kept searching for the identity of the person behind such brilliance. Finally I know, now that the once anonymous creator has a book coming out on May 7- The Honest Toddler- A Child's Guide to Parenting (endorsed by Science).

Honest Toddler

Her name is Bunmi Laditan, she's Canadian, and works as a social media consultant and blogger.

Here's an except of an interview she did with with the Huffington Post.

HPP: What's the best part of having a toddler?

BL: The boldness by which they live their lives.

HPP: What's the worst part of having a toddler?

BL: The boldness by which they live their lives.

Do yourself one favor today and read Honest Toddler's Facebook page and look at some blog posts. You will probably wet your pants just a tiny bit while doing so though.

Have a look at my book blog, Black Bifocals www.blackbifocals.com for more book recommendations.

[Belinda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I follow the Honest Toddler on twitter and think it is a very funny account. The voice of the Honest Toddler is how how visualise the thoughts of a lot of toddlers I know - ie, focused on toddler world domination! Here's the thing, though - while Honest Toddler works really well in Twitter and blog form, it doesn't work as well in book form. It's not that it's not funny - it is - it's just that the whole book is effectively just the same joke told over and over again. This book works best if you just read sections every now and again rather than reading it from cover to cover. However, since I do generally like to read books from cover to cover, that means that this one falls into the novelty category which is just not one of mine.

My recommendation is to read the blog posts instead of the book - just as funny and a much more suitable format for this type of content.

[Eustacia Tan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I remember toddlers. Some are really really cute (like this little kid at the kindergarten), and some can be scary. Yes, scary. I'm up against little peoples with more energy than me, and to make things worse, their voices are louder (and you can't yell at them without looking like a meanie anyway). But how do toddlers want to be treated? According to The Honest Toddler - Like the Kings and Queens of this planet.

And no, they do NOT want siblings. There isn't enough love to go around.

And whatever they do, don't hurt their fragile spirit through discipline. Instead, learn to love the chaos they bring.

Which, I think, sums up the book (you should be reading it for the style, not the message).

From what I know of toddlers (and the little I remember of my toddler-hood), The Honest Toddler seems like a minority. Or maybe, Asian toddlers are better behaved (we turn into little screaming monsters a few years later though). But this doesn't mean that this account is any less hilarious. Or Oedipal - The Honest Toddler seems to resent the love between his parents.

This book covers a whole bunch of different subjects. What should you feed your child (no vegetables - they make you weak), should you potty train (no), and what to do if your little angel does something wrong (nothing, do not stifle their spirit). At times, the whole "I'm the center of the world" attitude got on my nerves, but then again, I'm the oldest child and I've long learnt that no one is the center of the world.

I have a feeling that some parents, particularly well-rested ones, may find this book extremely hilarious. But if you give it to a sleep-deprived parent, I fear that they may throw the book at you because "who has the time to read when I have 123592 things to do?!?!?!"

Disclaimer: I got a free copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for a free and honest review.

This review was first posted at Inside the mind of a Bibliophile

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cackled so hard and nearly peed my pants in public while reading this book. I have a 17-month old and this book could not be more real about the toddler parenting experience. I savored this book and took it in small chunks over time and appreciated that I got to savor feeling so seen and so skewered simultaneously. Cannot recommend it enough!

[LiteraryMarie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting is an Internet sensation created by the oh-so-clever Bunmi Laditan and based on her youngest child—who is "this many" years old, not potty trained, not trying. There is no other parenting guide like this one. Topics include how to handle tantrums, a food shopping guide, bedtime/nap tips, car etiquette, discipline and more. There's even homework assignments to practice new techniques learned from this unique manual.

When I tell you I burst out loud laughing hysterically, it is not an exaggeration. I picked up a few tips about toddlers. For example, temper tantrums should be referred to as loud outbursts. And instead of pulling your toddler up by one arm in the middle of the mall, simply pick your child up and abandon errands for the rest of the day. Also, there is no point insisting on inside voices; outside voices win.

WARNING: If read in public, be prepared to explain why you are LOL. It happened to me twice while reading! I simply told the people side-eyeing me to read The Honest Toddler to understand why I am so tickled.

I am not a parent and still enjoyed this book. It is a funny good read for everyone. New parents will appreciate learning how their toddlers think. Seasoned parents will find it quite entertaining and relatable. And child-less people like me will laugh uncontrollably because we don't deal with toddlers on a daily basis so find the sassy narrator's sarcasm hilarious.

I am now including a copy of The Honest Toddler in every baby shower gift. Friends and family, thank me later. The rest of you need to download or purchase a copy. Let the advice within the 200+ pages sink in. I promise you will chuckle and be entertained by the anecdotes. Don't forget to follow The Honest Toddler on Twitter and Facebook. And to the author, Bunmi Laditan, I hope your dream of hiring a full-time au pair comes true really soon. But not so soon that you stop sharing tales of your sassy toddler.

Literary Marie of Precision Reviews

[Eileen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved it. I couldn't help but interrupt Simeon's reading but reading excerpts to him.

[Sabriena · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a parent of course, to a toddler, so when I saw The Honest Toddler book I had to read it. It's not a serious book so it's perfect for reading any time you want a good laugh. If you have had a toddler, dealt with a toddler, or spent any amount of time with one you know how crazy they drive you with their ways. They're all the same really, fits here, demands there. Gotta love them.

The Honest Toddler tells you how to parent from a toddlers view point. It's written as a "toddler" would be telling you how to deal with situations such as the tantrums which are really just loud responses. There's parts in this book for every aspect of toddlerhood and they do not spare any laughs in them.

There isn't much to say about this book besides it is hilarious. It made me check out their website as well. Which is just as funny. I'm not usually into the humor books either and read this one after a heavier book. It was just what I needed.

[Sharlena · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a copy of this for review through GoodReads First Reads program.

This book wasn't exactly what I had originally expected. I've seen the blog and Facebook page so I thought this would be a bunch of random funny asides. Instead, you get an entire parenting guide written from the perspective of a sassy 2 year-old. At first, I was a bit skeptical about how an entire book by a toddler would read but I was pleasantly surprised. I found myself chuckling and nodding along with the advice. I could see my own kids in the "author" and even read some passages out loud to my husband, who thought they were spot on. Any parent who has survived, or is currently in the throes of, toddlerhood will relate to this book and get in a good laugh or two.

[Amanda Harrison · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you like reading funny things on the internet and you have a toddler you will like the book Honest Toddler. Written in short paragraphs and easy to read sentences you will be able to enjoy this book in the 5 minute bursts of reading you do every night before falling to sleep. Besides if you have a toddler your ability to read long unbroken narratives will probably not return for a couple years.

I felt this was probably one of the more useful books about the toddler stage than any other I have read. Don't ever assume you know what your toddler wants. As HT says, "You don't know anything about anything"

[Kelli · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is honestly one of the funniest books I've ever read. I made myself read it in short bursts so that I could appreciate it more. I think it made the book a lot better since I have a toddler at home. I see so many of the scenarios in the book in my own life, and reading about it made things a whole lot easier to laugh at. I follow the blog, twitter and facebook page, and it brightens my day when I see new posts.

[Celeste Ng]

This was hilarious. I already knew and loved the Twitter feed, and was worried this wouldn't be as funny, but it made me laugh out loud. I'm now getting extra joy out of reading reviews of this book written by people who don't realize it's satire. Highly recommended for those who have young children.

[Liz · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love HT's quips on Facebook and Twitter, and I think that is where Honest Toddler belongs. The book was funny and the voice of Honest Toddler was original and cute, but after a dozen pages or so, it felt tired. Toddlers love repetition, I guess, but the book felt way too long to me. I do admire the author's commitment to the toddler perspective, though, and I'm still a fan!

[Lani · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could have sworn that Bunmi Laditan had secretly followed my toddler and written down everything she observed. Spot on and I found myself reading aloud parts to my husband and laughing together. Only those with kids can relate.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read the Facebook posts now and again, and the book hit me the same way: a laugh here and there, but overall, just meh. I'm sure it will be greatly enjoyed by fans of the blog.

Also, it is LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Like, about 15 times longer than I expected it or wanted it to be.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read a few humorous books in the last year about the difficulties of life with babies and small children, but this book was refreshing being from the toddler's perspective!

[A.B. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite funny. I also feel glad my own 2T is not this bad. Everyone who has ever had or been near a toddler should read this.

[Alison Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

SO funny. Laugh out loud funny.
A MUST read.

[Sarah Bliss · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an entertaining book that at times made me laugh out loud and at times was so true it hurt a little. My own little one has been a toddler for a while now, but is just entering the phase of toddlerhood embodied by HT. I suspect some bits would have been funnier/more familiar if I'd waited a bit longer to read them.

I read this in bits over the course of several months, and I think that's probably the best way to read it, even though that's not my usual style. When I read longer stretches at once, the humor didn't hold up as well, and I just started to feel irritated by this kid's attitude. It's important to note that this is satirical, and not really a parenting guide, so if it stops being funny, take a break for a while. Come back to it when you need to laugh a little and be reminded that you're not alone in the more frustrating moments of parenting.

[✟Roxanne✟(Death by Book Avalanche) ☠ · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I found this book I didn't know that it was born from a Facebook group or that it was popular through social media. I just thought that it would be a good one to read being a parent of a Toddler who thinks she knows everything. This book hits the nail right on the head and really portrays well what it's like to have a toddler. Its really funny and oh so very honest. It took me a little bit of time to get into whilst I was gauging the humour and figuring out where I stood. If you're quite a sensitive parent there are some areas that may cause offence or may perhaps upset you a little bit if you take things to heart but it is purely written with humour in mind. Don't take it too seriously, actually don't take it seriously at all, toddlers are hilarious.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dear Honest Toddler,
I bought your book at a book sale. I know, I know, how could they have even considered parting with this reference book that I am sure they will need to have a refresher course. Just the same, as a new Grandparent, I found this information so useful and have already put some things into practice. (Keeping a stock of M&M's on hand, etc.)
I am passing the book onto my daughter, who definitely needs to brush up on her H.T. parenting skills. She is soon bringing a new little brother into the world to share with her toddler, my darling angel. I will be there to offer all the support I can. Babka, in Olympia, WA

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bunmi Laditan is one hell of a writer-- this entire book, written from the perspective of a toddler, is filled with hysterical tidbits of toddler wisdom and the killing of parental souls-- basically entirely realistic. I especially enjoyed the Honest Toddlers continued explanations of tantrums, a word he/she finds distasteful, instead preferring the term "loud response". I also found the Honest Toddler's ruminations on acceptable diets extraordinarily accurate, as well as his/her thoughts about how we all need to learn to look at toddlers as grandparents do, rather than parents. A fantastic book written in short chapters that exhausted parents can read in four minute segments before passing out at night. Four stars.

[Shana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was laugh out loud hilarious. My two favorite parts were the toddler TV reviews and the car trip contents. Two words: MY LIFE. I literally laughed out loud several times (only once that resulted in me spitting water out, then I learned that this was funny enough to not take a swig of water before reading). Literally if you have or had a toddler read this book. You will feel normal and happy and love your toddler even more for how funny they are. Keep in mind this book is not to learn about your toddler but get comic relief. It read a little too long but otherwise hilariously worth the read.

[Felicia · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Honest Toddler is apparently a blog and Twitter account as well, which I think makes a lot more sense as a place to share these stories than an entire book dedicated to it. There were a lot of funny moments for sure, but it felt like the same crazy jokes being repeated in slightly different ways. It was just too much, too outlandish for too often (again, something that would totally make sense through a medium that is quicker to take in, not a book) and was hard to stay engaged in for that many pages.

[Alana · Rating 2 out of 5]

I might have gotten more out of this if my toddler was a little older or had a similar personality. There were definitely some laugh-out-loud moments I had to share with my husband when something was super familiar, but for the most part, I couldn't relate to a lot of the struggles. My LO is only just getting into this stage, isn't a picky eater, and it's generally in a good mood, so it's hard to understand some of the moments (although I'm sure there are plenty coming!)

[Zara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bunmi is hilarious and some of her observations about toddlers were so on point I snorted on the train and texted everyone who knows Nate. Not sure this needed to be a full-length book as it got a little tedious at times, but there's no denying the Honest Toddler is wise beyond her years.

[Jordan Munn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked up this book not knowing anything about the Honest Toddler, so I went in thinking it'd be humorous but also informative. I thought wrong. This is one loooooooong joke that gets really tiresome after a chapter or two.