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Forgotten Tears: A Grandmother's Journey Through Grief
Forgotten Tears is a unique and honest portrayal of a grandmother's grief journey following the stillbirth of her granddaughter. Our death fearing and death denying society perpetuates the sense of isolation felt by grandparents, who tend to be viewed primarily as a source of support to their bereaved child. A distinctive feature of this book is the validation of grandparents as mourners in their own right. Along with quotes from leading grief authorities, writer Nina Bennett, a bereaved grandmother and healthcare professional, offers an intimate perspective on the process of redefining normal in a life forever changed by the death of a grandchild.
Forgotten Tears reviews the traditional stages and theories of grief and also contains personal accounts from bereaved grandparents on various aspects of their grief journey. Although the main emphasis is on miscarriage, stillbirth, or newborn death, the exploration of the grief process is applicable to the death of a grandchild at any age. The focus of the book is on the depth and intensity of the grief experienced by grandparents. Forgotten Tears challenges the very concept of resolution and openly discusses the belief that grief is an ongoing,lifelong process.
Numerous suggestions for coping and ways to memorialize deceased grandchildren are offered. Although nobody willingly embarks on this journey, it does present the opportunity for personal growth and transformation. Learning to make peace with the pain enables grandparents to honor their grandchild by reinvesting emotional energy in the joy of living.
Forgotten Tears reviews the traditional stages and theories of grief and also contains personal accounts from bereaved grandparents on various aspects of their grief journey. Although the main emphasis is on miscarriage, stillbirth, or newborn death, the exploration of the grief process is applicable to the death of a grandchild at any age. The focus of the book is on the depth and intensity of the grief experienced by grandparents. Forgotten Tears challenges the very concept of resolution and openly discusses the belief that grief is an ongoing,lifelong process.
Numerous suggestions for coping and ways to memorialize deceased grandchildren are offered. Although nobody willingly embarks on this journey, it does present the opportunity for personal growth and transformation. Learning to make peace with the pain enables grandparents to honor their grandchild by reinvesting emotional energy in the joy of living.
144 pages, Paperback
First published July 31, 2005
1 person is currently reading
26 people want to read
About the author
Nina Bennett
13 books83 followers Nina Bennett is a healthcare professional with a subspecialty in bereavement issues and secondary traumatic stress. Her chapbook, Sound Effects, was published in 2013 by Broadkill Press as part of their Key Poetry Series. Nina's poem "Deja Vu" took third place in the Out & About magazine poetry contest, and her poem "They Do" was nominated for 2012 Best of the Net. "Searching for Grandma's Childhood Home" won the 2014 Northern Liberties Review Poetry Prize. "Do Over" is a finalist for the 2019 Jack Grapes Poetry Prize.
Her articles and poetry have appeared in numerous print and online journals and anthologies. Nina is a contributing author to the Open to Hope Foundation.
The House of Yearning, a poetry chapbook published by Kelsay Books, is available through their website, as well as Amazon.
Nina's chapbook, Mix Tape, was published by Flutter Press in 2018. Nina has copies available, and the chap is also available on Amazon.
Five Bridges won 2cnd place in the creative writing/poetry book category in the 2014 Delaware Press Association Communications contest.
Proceeds from Nina's book, Forgotten Tears, are donated to agencies dedicated to supporting bereaved families.
Reader comments:
An amazing resource for bereaved grandparents, but also for anyone touched by the death of a child….the bibliography in itself is worth a zillion!
Kara Jones, Editor, A Different Kind of Parenting
Thank you so much for writing this lovely book. It is like you have a window into my soul.
Toni, bereaved grandmother
A great addition to the library of grief books
Betty Ewart, Editor, A Journey Together
national newsletter of Bereaved Parents USA
Her articles and poetry have appeared in numerous print and online journals and anthologies. Nina is a contributing author to the Open to Hope Foundation.
The House of Yearning, a poetry chapbook published by Kelsay Books, is available through their website, as well as Amazon.
Nina's chapbook, Mix Tape, was published by Flutter Press in 2018. Nina has copies available, and the chap is also available on Amazon.
Five Bridges won 2cnd place in the creative writing/poetry book category in the 2014 Delaware Press Association Communications contest.
Proceeds from Nina's book, Forgotten Tears, are donated to agencies dedicated to supporting bereaved families.
Reader comments:
An amazing resource for bereaved grandparents, but also for anyone touched by the death of a child….the bibliography in itself is worth a zillion!
Kara Jones, Editor, A Different Kind of Parenting
Thank you so much for writing this lovely book. It is like you have a window into my soul.
Toni, bereaved grandmother
A great addition to the library of grief books
Betty Ewart, Editor, A Journey Together
national newsletter of Bereaved Parents USA
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
April 24, 2010
Nina Bennett’s book, “Forgotten Tears,” is the first book I know of to address the issue of what grandparents must deal with when their grandchild dies.
Although Ms. Bennett focuses on the loss faced by grandparents, this in no way is a book which restricts itself to that aspect of grief alone. I felt that my own loss, although I am not a grandmother, found an avenue of catharsis and a sense of understanding through this most sensitive, thoughtful and thorough book.
In addition to her talents as a writer, Nina Bennett is a healthcare professional and therefore adds very concrete and specific information with is extremely helpful.
I would like to include a quote Ms. Bennett put in her book because it feels so true and I feel this piece of advice is badly needed for all of us. She quotes Henri Nouwen, a priest who spent two years at the Menninger Clinic doing a fellowship. I can only hope that advice like his is taken. Nina Bennett is the catalyst for bringing such important advice to her reader. He said:
“When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares.”
This is a very tender book. Although this book is obviously the one most needed by grandparents who suffer the tragic loss of a grandchild, I recommend it to anyone undergoing the loss of a loved one, especially the loss of a child, or anyone who seeks to understand the impact such a loss means.
Although Ms. Bennett focuses on the loss faced by grandparents, this in no way is a book which restricts itself to that aspect of grief alone. I felt that my own loss, although I am not a grandmother, found an avenue of catharsis and a sense of understanding through this most sensitive, thoughtful and thorough book.
In addition to her talents as a writer, Nina Bennett is a healthcare professional and therefore adds very concrete and specific information with is extremely helpful.
I would like to include a quote Ms. Bennett put in her book because it feels so true and I feel this piece of advice is badly needed for all of us. She quotes Henri Nouwen, a priest who spent two years at the Menninger Clinic doing a fellowship. I can only hope that advice like his is taken. Nina Bennett is the catalyst for bringing such important advice to her reader. He said:
“When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares.”
This is a very tender book. Although this book is obviously the one most needed by grandparents who suffer the tragic loss of a grandchild, I recommend it to anyone undergoing the loss of a loved one, especially the loss of a child, or anyone who seeks to understand the impact such a loss means.
May 4, 2011
I really wanted to like this book. I have already had the role of the bereaved parent, since my own son died in 1996. Sadly, I am now a bereaved grandparent. The author of this book, who's granddaughter was stillborn, takes on the same intensity of grieving that you would find in a parent, and most of the information in the book is the same as in the grief self-books for parents. I am definitely grieving over the loss of my own precious granddaughter, but I know it is not the same for me as it is for her parents. I was hoping for help that went beyond my own grief for the loss of my grandchild, I wanted to know how to "be" for my own daughter, the grieving mother. I wanted something to tell me what to do to help her on this sad journey. This book does not do that --- there is very little in this book on how she helped her own adult child deal with this loss. I felt it was all a "me, me, me" book, when I want help to help my child more so than how to help myself. It does have a lot of great resources in it, and, over all, it is a good grief self-help book, just not what I was hoping for.
January 19, 2012
Nina Bennett's third grandchild, Maddy, was stillborn. Bennett, a poet and a health care worker in behavioral medicine as well as a prose writer, writes about her grief journey after the day of Maddy's birth and death during labor. Her wonderful book shows the sensitivity to emotion and to beauty of a poet, the understanding of a bereavement professional, and the life experience and love of a grandmother. It reaches out to others who have had similar experiences and whose grief may not always be acknowledged by our culture.
Some might say that it's more appropriate to mourn people we've known for a long time than an infant who never saw the light. Bennett makes it clear, however, why that's a misunderstanding of grief. "When an older family member dies," she writes, "we have lost part of our past. When a baby dies, we lose our future, our sense of immortality. Mourning lost hopes and dreams is an important task for grandparents."
The failure of some friends and acquaintances to recognize and validate Bennett's grief only aggravates the isolation she feels: "None of my acquaintances had experienced this kind of loss, and I had nobody to talk to who understood the despair I felt." Her description of her isolation resonates with what I have felt as someone with an invisible disability: "A broken limb is encased in a cast and everyone seeing it realizes that there has been some kind of injury. A broken heart is invisible on the outside, which makes it easy for others to deny or forget the pain a bereaved person feels."
Her work also resonates with me as a writer. I've often felt that when I write a life story down, I lose part of the actual memory and only have the written story left. She discusses how painful writing about her stillborn granddaughter has been for her, and adds: "There was certainly a small element of not wanting to let go of her-- by making her story public and sharing her with others, on the surface it seemed as though I were giving her up."
Forgotten Tears speaks to anyone who has experienced any bereavement. Bennett rejects the notion that grief comes in predictable stages or can and should be resolved. Instead, she speaks of renewal. This insight helped me understand better a friend who was widowed two years ago. I also liked her discussion of Jung's concept of synchronicity, the idea that some coincidences are so improbable that they have symbolic meaning for the individual. When Bennett writes of feeling her granddaughter's presence in these meaningful coincidences, her writing reaches its most lyrical:
"She is everywhere. She is in the wildflowers growing with abandon in my back yard, delighting all who sit on my patio in the summer. She is in the clean sweet scent of freshly mown grass. Her reflection glows back at me from the highly polished pueblo pottery made in the way of the elders with clay dug by hand from the earth. The cool clear water of a mountain stream carries her along as it moves lazily across stones worn smooth by time."
Bennet's memoir (and the bibliography of writings about grief in the back) is a great resource for any adult who has experienced the loss of a loved one or knows someone who has, which is to say, everyone.
Some might say that it's more appropriate to mourn people we've known for a long time than an infant who never saw the light. Bennett makes it clear, however, why that's a misunderstanding of grief. "When an older family member dies," she writes, "we have lost part of our past. When a baby dies, we lose our future, our sense of immortality. Mourning lost hopes and dreams is an important task for grandparents."
The failure of some friends and acquaintances to recognize and validate Bennett's grief only aggravates the isolation she feels: "None of my acquaintances had experienced this kind of loss, and I had nobody to talk to who understood the despair I felt." Her description of her isolation resonates with what I have felt as someone with an invisible disability: "A broken limb is encased in a cast and everyone seeing it realizes that there has been some kind of injury. A broken heart is invisible on the outside, which makes it easy for others to deny or forget the pain a bereaved person feels."
Her work also resonates with me as a writer. I've often felt that when I write a life story down, I lose part of the actual memory and only have the written story left. She discusses how painful writing about her stillborn granddaughter has been for her, and adds: "There was certainly a small element of not wanting to let go of her-- by making her story public and sharing her with others, on the surface it seemed as though I were giving her up."
Forgotten Tears speaks to anyone who has experienced any bereavement. Bennett rejects the notion that grief comes in predictable stages or can and should be resolved. Instead, she speaks of renewal. This insight helped me understand better a friend who was widowed two years ago. I also liked her discussion of Jung's concept of synchronicity, the idea that some coincidences are so improbable that they have symbolic meaning for the individual. When Bennett writes of feeling her granddaughter's presence in these meaningful coincidences, her writing reaches its most lyrical:
"She is everywhere. She is in the wildflowers growing with abandon in my back yard, delighting all who sit on my patio in the summer. She is in the clean sweet scent of freshly mown grass. Her reflection glows back at me from the highly polished pueblo pottery made in the way of the elders with clay dug by hand from the earth. The cool clear water of a mountain stream carries her along as it moves lazily across stones worn smooth by time."
Bennet's memoir (and the bibliography of writings about grief in the back) is a great resource for any adult who has experienced the loss of a loved one or knows someone who has, which is to say, everyone.
July 9, 2024
Helpful information for those who unexpectedly become part of this heartbreaking club. There is plenty of information for parents but I struggled to find much for grandparents. Not only are you dealing with your own heartbreak but seeing your child's too and not being able to make it better is another level of grief. This is a grief you carry, it's not one you get over.
March 23, 2009
A tour de force by a grief professional. A must read for anyone who has lost a grandchild, but also a must read for anyone who is interested in the process of grieving for any loss.
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews