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The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families
Marriage and monogamy are not what they used to be, and today many couples are opting to start families before getting married, or deciding not to get married at all. At the same time, gay couples in states that recognize same-sex marriage are getting married in droves. Some people prefer non-monogamy and have relationships that include swinging and polyamory. The landscape of American marriage and relationships is changing, and a variety of family systems are developing and becoming more common. The Polyamorists Next Door introduces polyamorous families, in which people are free to pursue emotional, romantic, and sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time, openly and with support from their partners, sometimes forming multi-partner relationships, or other arrangements that allow for emotional and sexual freedom within the family system. In colorful and moving details, this book explores how polyamorous relationships come to be, grow and change, manage the ins and outs of daily family life, and cope with the challenges they face both within their families and from society at large. Using polyamorists' own words, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff examines polyamorous households and reveals their advantages, disadvantages, and the daily lives of those living in them. While polyamorous families are increasingly common, fairly little is known about them outside of their own social circles or of the occasional media sensationalism. This book provides information that will be useful for professionals with polyamorous clients, educators who wish to understand or teach about polyamory, and especially people who wish to better understand polyamory themselves or explain it to their potential partners, adult children, or in-laws.
324 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2013
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews
September 28, 2015
A qualitative study of polyamory and polyamorous families with a focus on tending to children. From an academic point of view, this was much needed. While I tend to prefer quantitative studies since they are more easily verifiable, the qualitative analysis was performed with hundreds of subjects and there should be some statistical legitimacy to this.
There will always be obvious biases when people volunteer to self-report, but that said, the impartial analysis was pretty interesting. Since the book relies heavily on personal stories, the bulk of it is a relatively light read.
I am personally happy to hear the conclusions. The problems that affect children in polyamorous families are largely those of children in the regular modern family - sometimes slightly exaggerated by the more complex dynamics of poly families. The benefits of living in a family that is intentionally poly are many, from a lot more access to emotional resources, a diversified group with which to interact more intimately, a focus on honesty. I was struck by the confidence displayed by some of the kids and teenagers, and their capability to understand complex social dynamics and relations of cause/effect.
A significant portion of the problems that do occur are related to the stigmatisation of poylamory by society at large.
Some loose thoughts that occurred to me while reading:
- The author emphasises the sexual nature of the connection between adults in polyamory. She only redeems herself nearer the end by her focus on polyaffectivity (affection without sex). In general, I didn't feel like there was enough of an adequate separation between sexual and romantic relations, but that's a subject that I am rather passionate about and YMMV :)
- A lot of the benefits from polyamory are derived from the fact that those who practice it do so consciously and intentionally; not by default. Polyamory by default, with no attempt to work on and develop the emotional skills necessary is a recipe for crashing'n'burning.
All in all, a book that won't blow any minds, but that provides a true insight into the lives of polyamorous families, children included, from a pretty unbiased, academic perspective.
There will always be obvious biases when people volunteer to self-report, but that said, the impartial analysis was pretty interesting. Since the book relies heavily on personal stories, the bulk of it is a relatively light read.
I am personally happy to hear the conclusions. The problems that affect children in polyamorous families are largely those of children in the regular modern family - sometimes slightly exaggerated by the more complex dynamics of poly families. The benefits of living in a family that is intentionally poly are many, from a lot more access to emotional resources, a diversified group with which to interact more intimately, a focus on honesty. I was struck by the confidence displayed by some of the kids and teenagers, and their capability to understand complex social dynamics and relations of cause/effect.
A significant portion of the problems that do occur are related to the stigmatisation of poylamory by society at large.
Some loose thoughts that occurred to me while reading:
- The author emphasises the sexual nature of the connection between adults in polyamory. She only redeems herself nearer the end by her focus on polyaffectivity (affection without sex). In general, I didn't feel like there was enough of an adequate separation between sexual and romantic relations, but that's a subject that I am rather passionate about and YMMV :)
- A lot of the benefits from polyamory are derived from the fact that those who practice it do so consciously and intentionally; not by default. Polyamory by default, with no attempt to work on and develop the emotional skills necessary is a recipe for crashing'n'burning.
All in all, a book that won't blow any minds, but that provides a true insight into the lives of polyamorous families, children included, from a pretty unbiased, academic perspective.
December 30, 2016
4.5 stars, mostly for being the first to tackle a topic that needed more info on it
A good introduction to research on families involving poly people. This includes both mixed families with more than 2 parents, and 2 parent families in which the parents have outside romantic/sexual relationships.
Includes many statistics and was approached from an anthropological ethnography style of research and writing. The book necessarily has some limitations because the author herself was involved in the poly scene, and because she interviewed only families in a certain local region, where there was a large poly community. Still remains a good introductory text. Lots of interviews, reprinted word-for-word (honestly, these could have been cleaned up a bit, she even included the 'ummm's of her interviewees).
Overall conclusions: poly families provide more stability (extra income, additional homecare) and additional adult role models for children. Children have more trusted adults of various age ranges to go to with their problems. The biggest challenges come from judgments by the childrens' friends who might visit. Some children were ashamed of having a different family, some were proud--it basically boiled down to the personality of the child. Teens in poly families were asked if they thought they would grow up to have poly relationships. Most said they weren't sure, but felt monogamous currently. Overall, children of poly parents showed a better, more mature understanding of interpersonal relationships at an earlier age when compared to their peers.
Though not the focus of the book, there is some good research on how the gay (male) community and the poly community intersect and how norms differ for gay poly men vs from the hetero poly community. Because gay culture for men already includes an element of multi-partner "promiscuity", and because there are many married couples looking for bi-women in the poly community, it is very difficult to be a gay man looking for long term relationships within the poly community.
A good introduction to research on families involving poly people. This includes both mixed families with more than 2 parents, and 2 parent families in which the parents have outside romantic/sexual relationships.
Includes many statistics and was approached from an anthropological ethnography style of research and writing. The book necessarily has some limitations because the author herself was involved in the poly scene, and because she interviewed only families in a certain local region, where there was a large poly community. Still remains a good introductory text. Lots of interviews, reprinted word-for-word (honestly, these could have been cleaned up a bit, she even included the 'ummm's of her interviewees).
Overall conclusions: poly families provide more stability (extra income, additional homecare) and additional adult role models for children. Children have more trusted adults of various age ranges to go to with their problems. The biggest challenges come from judgments by the childrens' friends who might visit. Some children were ashamed of having a different family, some were proud--it basically boiled down to the personality of the child. Teens in poly families were asked if they thought they would grow up to have poly relationships. Most said they weren't sure, but felt monogamous currently. Overall, children of poly parents showed a better, more mature understanding of interpersonal relationships at an earlier age when compared to their peers.
Though not the focus of the book, there is some good research on how the gay (male) community and the poly community intersect and how norms differ for gay poly men vs from the hetero poly community. Because gay culture for men already includes an element of multi-partner "promiscuity", and because there are many married couples looking for bi-women in the poly community, it is very difficult to be a gay man looking for long term relationships within the poly community.
September 13, 2015
Novelists need to know polyamory.
July 17, 2017
Ok, so I don't know much about how sociology research is typically done. But it seems that the research for this book was mostly collected through interviews of volunteers. If I was predisposed to think that polyamory is harmful to relationships and families, I would be skeptical of evidence to the contrary gathered from a self-selected, self-reporting group of advocates. But I guess you've gotta start somewhere.
With that caveat, this was a worthwhile read, albeit dry. (As I suppose one would expect from an academically oriented book.)
A lot of the content would be unsurprising to anyone with poly experience, such as the sections on the challenges that poly people face (jealousy, unicorn hunters, couple's privilege, etc) and the techniques for dealing with them (communication, honesty, agreements, etc). There were a few sections that framed issues differently than I'd thought of them before--for example, distinguishing between people who identify as poly versus people who "do" poly.
The quantitive aspect was interesting. While not terribly surprising, I was disappointed to learn how prevalent what I think of as outdated and unhealthy models of polyamory are practiced. For example, Sheff says that the majority of the people that she interviewed practice some form of hierarchy. (I do wish she had distinguished with a bit more nuance there--between descriptive versus proscriptive hierarchy and hierarchy versus priorities. But that is probably more of a statement on the state of poly nomenclature than it is on her research.)
I learned the most in the chapters dealing with poly families--that is to say, poly people with children. I had already done a fair bit of research on the subject from other sources and had previously learned that the primary challenges tend to be from social stigma--friends, parents of friends, other family members, the children themselves, and in extreme cases, loss of custody. The commonly mentioned up-sides include having more loving and supportive adults around and exposure to good communication skills.
Sheffs research included all of those, but also mentioned a number of other aspects that I hadn't heard about before. For example, children wishing for more space and privacy in larger joined poly households, the difficulty of merging complex poly households, challenges surrounding financial dependency and legal guardianship, and how to approach the close relationships that have formed between children and partners after a breakup. Most of these new-to-me issues came up in cohabiting configurations and (as Sheff points out) many of them are not unique to polyamory.
As a side note, I disliked the narration on the audio version of the book. Most of the book was read in a monotone that was almost robotic. But when reading quotes from the study participants, the narrator would switch into accents including a Texan man's drawl, the giggle of a young girl, and an African American woman's emphatic attitude. And yes, it's just as cringe-worthy as you're imagining.
With that caveat, this was a worthwhile read, albeit dry. (As I suppose one would expect from an academically oriented book.)
A lot of the content would be unsurprising to anyone with poly experience, such as the sections on the challenges that poly people face (jealousy, unicorn hunters, couple's privilege, etc) and the techniques for dealing with them (communication, honesty, agreements, etc). There were a few sections that framed issues differently than I'd thought of them before--for example, distinguishing between people who identify as poly versus people who "do" poly.
The quantitive aspect was interesting. While not terribly surprising, I was disappointed to learn how prevalent what I think of as outdated and unhealthy models of polyamory are practiced. For example, Sheff says that the majority of the people that she interviewed practice some form of hierarchy. (I do wish she had distinguished with a bit more nuance there--between descriptive versus proscriptive hierarchy and hierarchy versus priorities. But that is probably more of a statement on the state of poly nomenclature than it is on her research.)
I learned the most in the chapters dealing with poly families--that is to say, poly people with children. I had already done a fair bit of research on the subject from other sources and had previously learned that the primary challenges tend to be from social stigma--friends, parents of friends, other family members, the children themselves, and in extreme cases, loss of custody. The commonly mentioned up-sides include having more loving and supportive adults around and exposure to good communication skills.
Sheffs research included all of those, but also mentioned a number of other aspects that I hadn't heard about before. For example, children wishing for more space and privacy in larger joined poly households, the difficulty of merging complex poly households, challenges surrounding financial dependency and legal guardianship, and how to approach the close relationships that have formed between children and partners after a breakup. Most of these new-to-me issues came up in cohabiting configurations and (as Sheff points out) many of them are not unique to polyamory.
As a side note, I disliked the narration on the audio version of the book. Most of the book was read in a monotone that was almost robotic. But when reading quotes from the study participants, the narrator would switch into accents including a Texan man's drawl, the giggle of a young girl, and an African American woman's emphatic attitude. And yes, it's just as cringe-worthy as you're imagining.
April 30, 2021
4.25/5
I think this is an important read for anyone who knows humans in contemporary western society. As much as we should all be aware of the issues that other minority and culturally vulnerable populations face and the contexts in which they live their lives, polyamory is becoming increasingly prevalent, and whether or not one considers that their orientation, it is important to have the language to navigate when you encounter friends, colleagues, clients, etc who are.
This book is a qualitative study and in that vein it is not a practical guide for those seeking to live a polyamorous life. While I think it is a good primer for breaking down the social barriers between the hegemonic monogamous ideal that most of us are raised under, be aware that this is definitely a research study. In its vein it is well compiled, supported, and discussed from my perspective of doing that kind of research for the past decade or so.
Primarily focusing on families and impacts on children, I think this study does a good job of covering the basics. It is definitely feminist and LGBTQ friendly.
There are also keen insights drawn from polyamorist experiences that more traditional relationships, both romantic and not could learn from. Particularly regarding communication, openness, and social support.
I recommend, and in fact encourage everyone to read it, if only to make yourself aware of a segment of the population that is both ignored and stigmatized.
I think this is an important read for anyone who knows humans in contemporary western society. As much as we should all be aware of the issues that other minority and culturally vulnerable populations face and the contexts in which they live their lives, polyamory is becoming increasingly prevalent, and whether or not one considers that their orientation, it is important to have the language to navigate when you encounter friends, colleagues, clients, etc who are.
This book is a qualitative study and in that vein it is not a practical guide for those seeking to live a polyamorous life. While I think it is a good primer for breaking down the social barriers between the hegemonic monogamous ideal that most of us are raised under, be aware that this is definitely a research study. In its vein it is well compiled, supported, and discussed from my perspective of doing that kind of research for the past decade or so.
Primarily focusing on families and impacts on children, I think this study does a good job of covering the basics. It is definitely feminist and LGBTQ friendly.
There are also keen insights drawn from polyamorist experiences that more traditional relationships, both romantic and not could learn from. Particularly regarding communication, openness, and social support.
I recommend, and in fact encourage everyone to read it, if only to make yourself aware of a segment of the population that is both ignored and stigmatized.
December 1, 2018
Great book. Research well is done but can be a bit outdated in parts. The demographics are restrictive but it is understandable that it was probably done for the control of the quantitative research. I still think it is well worth the read even when it is dry at times as the topic is very important!
September 8, 2019
In the world of books about ethical nonmonogamy, it's relatively rare to see ones that are obviously academic. This is an academic book about nonmonogamous families. Why is it, you might wonder, that there are academic books about every possible permutation of monogamous families (queer families, interracial families, adoptive families, urban families, rural families, immigrant families . . .) but this book more or less stands alone? Believe it or not, this book answered that question for me before I even had it, and the answer is sort of horrifying: it's basically impossible to get a grant to write a book like this one! Organizations that fund research into "nontraditional" families look askance at families where the parents are nonmonogamous, so there's really very little money in books like these.
Incidentally, this squeamishness around the subject also scuttled some of Dr. Sheff's research; she was not permitted to retain the names and contact information of her subjects at the insistence of her first university's IRB, so she tried to reconstruct her research pool years later online (at which she was partially successful).
All this to say, is this book a bit patchy and could it have used probably an extra round of edits? Yeah, but I just appreciate that this book exists, given the unyielding earth in which it had to be planted, and I think it's particularly important to support books like these so that more books can be written in this vein.
Most of this book is presenting the results of Dr. Sheff's long years of research (though there are interstitials, e.g. her explanation of the IRB situation, and her narrative of her own aborted experience with polyamory). I find academic research fascinating, and I would hope that people who are actually living with multiple partners and kids would find it fascinating as well. The pseudonyms get difficult to keep track of, and I found myself wishing she had done simple things like using the same initial letter of a name for everyone in a single (poly) family. But actually getting quotes from kids who had, perhaps, a mom and a dad, and also another parent-type person, was moving. See, for instance:
The real hot takes come at the very end, and I wish they had formed their own book, or perhaps a series of op-eds. Dr. Sheff has some really trenchant things to say about the role of men in the modern family:
The book is flawed, and the research isn't as complete as it could've been under optimal circumstances, but I still stand behind this book as a lone academic look at a complicated but very relevant topic.
Incidentally, this squeamishness around the subject also scuttled some of Dr. Sheff's research; she was not permitted to retain the names and contact information of her subjects at the insistence of her first university's IRB, so she tried to reconstruct her research pool years later online (at which she was partially successful).
All this to say, is this book a bit patchy and could it have used probably an extra round of edits? Yeah, but I just appreciate that this book exists, given the unyielding earth in which it had to be planted, and I think it's particularly important to support books like these so that more books can be written in this vein.
Most of this book is presenting the results of Dr. Sheff's long years of research (though there are interstitials, e.g. her explanation of the IRB situation, and her narrative of her own aborted experience with polyamory). I find academic research fascinating, and I would hope that people who are actually living with multiple partners and kids would find it fascinating as well. The pseudonyms get difficult to keep track of, and I found myself wishing she had done simple things like using the same initial letter of a name for everyone in a single (poly) family. But actually getting quotes from kids who had, perhaps, a mom and a dad, and also another parent-type person, was moving. See, for instance:
While I was waiting to interview her older brother, I chatted with three-year-old ("and a half," she pointedly reminded me) Kassie while she and Vanessa (another preschooler visiting for a play date with Kassie) played on the living room floor. When I asked the girls what they were playing, Kassie explained that the figures laid out before her were going on a trip and described the figures as "Mommy, Daddy, Hercules [the family dog], my Dave, and Bessie [a plastic horse]." I asked her about "my Dave," whom I knew to be her parents' boyfriend, and she responded that "he comes on the fun." Then she gestured toward Vanessa and said, "She don't gots a Dave. She just gots a mommy and a daddy." It was clear from Kassie's story, her facial expression, and the sympathetic tone of her voice that she viewed Vanessa's lack of a Dave as a clear disadvantage.
The real hot takes come at the very end, and I wish they had formed their own book, or perhaps a series of op-eds. Dr. Sheff has some really trenchant things to say about the role of men in the modern family:
Many men in poly families take real responsibility for their children and continue to nurture supportive relationships with children -- even once they no longer have sex with the children's mother. That is precisely what society has expected from women all along -- that women prioritize their relationships with their children over their sexual relationships with men. Women who fail to do this are severely stigmatized and are branded whores and bad mothers. Applying that same standard to men is revolutionary and worthy of social and legal attention, because these men establish relationships with their children (even children with whom they do not share a genetic link) independent of ongoing sexual relationships with their mothers.
Expanding men's social and legal options can help them stay connected to families and supporting families in general by valuing the functions and parts of family usually viewed as women's work. The more men do what previously was women's work, the more valued it will be. If the real responsibilities of caring for children continue to fall only to women, then too many children will remain in poverty and emotional need. It is only when men are also as deeply responsible for children as are women that the kids will have the benefits of a wide base of support. It would be better for children, and for the many men who are unable or unwilling to live up to the requirements of conventional masculinity, if we could allow men's personal, emotional, and relationship choices to expand as much as we have allowed women's to increase.
The book is flawed, and the research isn't as complete as it could've been under optimal circumstances, but I still stand behind this book as a lone academic look at a complicated but very relevant topic.
January 28, 2018
This book is based on Elisabeth Sheff’s extensive grad school research , as well as her personal experience with the polyamory lifestyle. I found it to be extremely informative and useful in my own understanding and knowledge of this very growing segment of our population.
Elisabeth shared her own experience with both honesty and integrity. I was impressed with her ability to organize her countless interviews of families ; which must have been a very grueling and time consuming project.
Up to this point, my own studies were limited to journal articles. Families come in many shapes and sizes. Even here in Frisco, Texas, polyamory families exist and seek and deserve a competent and compassionate therapist.
On a personal note, I could never be poly. . . It would drive up my own anxiety already present in intimate relationships. I enjoy monogamy and the closeness I feel with my one partner.
Poly lifestyles certainly aren’t for everyone, but they do work for many people. In fact, statistically, they have the same chance of working out as your average monogamy couple. So no need for judgement!
Thank you Ms, Sheff. . . I appreciate all of your hard work and dedication in sharing your knowledge with me. :-)
Elisabeth shared her own experience with both honesty and integrity. I was impressed with her ability to organize her countless interviews of families ; which must have been a very grueling and time consuming project.
Up to this point, my own studies were limited to journal articles. Families come in many shapes and sizes. Even here in Frisco, Texas, polyamory families exist and seek and deserve a competent and compassionate therapist.
On a personal note, I could never be poly. . . It would drive up my own anxiety already present in intimate relationships. I enjoy monogamy and the closeness I feel with my one partner.
Poly lifestyles certainly aren’t for everyone, but they do work for many people. In fact, statistically, they have the same chance of working out as your average monogamy couple. So no need for judgement!
Thank you Ms, Sheff. . . I appreciate all of your hard work and dedication in sharing your knowledge with me. :-)
September 21, 2017
This book came about from 15 years of research in the poly community from the author. For those who continually say "What about the kids" when it comes to poly people Elisabeth gave those real life important answers. I felt like her research was ground breaking in the sense that very few books focus on poly households and the day to day lives of those families. I really liked that the author included LGBTQ people and their families as well in her research as well. One thing I can say that I was disappointed with is that there was virtually no representation of poly people of color. Which I brought up to a friend who's doing research on poly people of color. He stated and I agree that the poly community is divided along the color lines. Which I feel is very sad. All in all I'm happy that I read this book.
June 12, 2019
Pros: research on children; polyaffectivity as a concept
Cons: almost everyone interviewed is allocishet, white, and lives in the U.S.
Yay for academic focus on the subject. The dense reporting style was fine for what it was, though I'd have liked to see the places where the author starts to get a voice, especially in the conclusion re: polyaffectivity as a counter for toxic masculinity, expanded.
The allocishet white focus was unnecessary. If the author had been willing to consider polyaffective behaviors, rather than just survey people who identified as the word "polyamorous," she would have had a broader set of people from whom to draw, including more queer and racially diverse options. And I'm not even certain about her argument that only allocishet white people identify as such--a simple Twitter search finds more diverse representation than this book.
Cons: almost everyone interviewed is allocishet, white, and lives in the U.S.
Yay for academic focus on the subject. The dense reporting style was fine for what it was, though I'd have liked to see the places where the author starts to get a voice, especially in the conclusion re: polyaffectivity as a counter for toxic masculinity, expanded.
The allocishet white focus was unnecessary. If the author had been willing to consider polyaffective behaviors, rather than just survey people who identified as the word "polyamorous," she would have had a broader set of people from whom to draw, including more queer and racially diverse options. And I'm not even certain about her argument that only allocishet white people identify as such--a simple Twitter search finds more diverse representation than this book.
February 15, 2016
I enjoyed the rich qualitative data gathered here but I didn't feel like Sheff took the analysis far enough. There was not enough insight or original thought and the mix of very personal emotional experience and qualitative research did not make for very objective observation.
February 5, 2018
I would give this a 4.5, and actually recommend it to people who are NOT polyamorous, in poly/mono relationships, or if they are poly, then the ones who would enjoy an academic / "step outside" look at polyamory and poly families. For the subject matter alone this is groundbreaking, but in case you are concerned this will be fairly dry, Sheff also brings in her own personal "brush with poly" that makes the information presented resonate even more deeply.
This is a pretty amazing work - based on 15 years of research, and it shows. It is laid out like book-length dissertation: the first half of the book goes over the different type of poly relationships possible (a bit of review if you've read books about polyamory before) and the demographics of who's in the poly community. Sheff then details strengths and pitfalls of poly relationships, using her own attempt at poly as a "case in point" example. The last half to third of the book focuses on how different poly families operate (turns out, not that much different than other families, especially blended ones). All throughout Sheff includes direct quotes from poly folks and family members she interviewed, and she closes by detailing how monogamous families may have some lessons to learn from poly families about resiliency, as well as with a few policy recommendations that would acknowledge and allow for poly families in current society.
Sheff considers herself monogamous (not a spoiler as it's in the intro), which makes her exploration of this relationship style - personally and academically - fascinating and even more convincing when she talks about its strengths even when she would not personally choose it. And while I consider myself fairly well read on the topic, in reading this book I was delighted to learn a new concept: "polyaffectivity" - which denotes significant emotional but not sexual connections between partners. (Apparently triads with a woman and two men [where the men aren't sexual with each other] are some of the most stable types of poly relationships out there. Who knew?!) Plus - some of the info on demographics of the community is straight fire: I don't know any other author who has so clearly pointed out how white and privileged poly community members tend to be (as well as tending toward heterosexual men and bisexual women).
There's so much here to dig into. Definitely worth the read if you're looking for a descriptive analysis of polyamory, with a unique focus on poly families. If you want an insider look at poly families in their own words, I think Stories From the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families may be the better bet.
This is a pretty amazing work - based on 15 years of research, and it shows. It is laid out like book-length dissertation: the first half of the book goes over the different type of poly relationships possible (a bit of review if you've read books about polyamory before) and the demographics of who's in the poly community. Sheff then details strengths and pitfalls of poly relationships, using her own attempt at poly as a "case in point" example. The last half to third of the book focuses on how different poly families operate (turns out, not that much different than other families, especially blended ones). All throughout Sheff includes direct quotes from poly folks and family members she interviewed, and she closes by detailing how monogamous families may have some lessons to learn from poly families about resiliency, as well as with a few policy recommendations that would acknowledge and allow for poly families in current society.
Sheff considers herself monogamous (not a spoiler as it's in the intro), which makes her exploration of this relationship style - personally and academically - fascinating and even more convincing when she talks about its strengths even when she would not personally choose it. And while I consider myself fairly well read on the topic, in reading this book I was delighted to learn a new concept: "polyaffectivity" - which denotes significant emotional but not sexual connections between partners. (Apparently triads with a woman and two men [where the men aren't sexual with each other] are some of the most stable types of poly relationships out there. Who knew?!) Plus - some of the info on demographics of the community is straight fire: I don't know any other author who has so clearly pointed out how white and privileged poly community members tend to be (as well as tending toward heterosexual men and bisexual women).
There's so much here to dig into. Definitely worth the read if you're looking for a descriptive analysis of polyamory, with a unique focus on poly families. If you want an insider look at poly families in their own words, I think Stories From the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families may be the better bet.
June 5, 2020
I struggled a little through this book. The title gives an idea that it would be a relaxed and social look into real people practicing polyamory. In a way it is. But it's brought about as an academic research paper. Which the author states was a thesis that turned into a book. So it's very much written in a way to appease peer reviewed journal publishers. This made it difficult to read and enjoy/relax into. Contradicting this the author also brings into it her personal foray into polyamory. This taints her view quite significantly and is at odds with the style of the academic paper. There are terms that are unnecessary like "lesbigays" which the author uses as a catch all for the LGBTQIA+ community. I also felt the focus on white middle class polyamorists was unfair and made me think she didn't try hard enough trying to find a mix of ethnicities and cultures. She mentions lack of polyamory in non white communities and LGBT communities. But my personal experience both in my country and exploring social media and other media in USA is not the case. So there were many holes. A bit of an uncomfortable read at times. Also heavily focused on child rearing, which is important but I guess not particularly relevant to me.
It needs to be read with pinch of salt.
It needs to be read with pinch of salt.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 1, 2026
This was a study on a polyamorist community (ie of poly families in a particular US location). I liked that it was quite clear that it was only studying poly families with kids, just for the reason that I have read a few books on poly now and often felt frustrated that the author takes couples opening up their relationship as the default in poly, and solo poly people such as myself don't exist, except maybe as a short paragraph stuck on the end. I'm fine with not being represented in this book because the author is clear that she is studying a particular community.
I really appreciated from an academic standpoint the autobiographical section in the middle where the author talks about her difficult attempts at polyamory. I like to see where the author stands in relation to the people she writes about.
I really appreciated from an academic standpoint the autobiographical section in the middle where the author talks about her difficult attempts at polyamory. I like to see where the author stands in relation to the people she writes about.
August 5, 2019
There's not really a lot here beyond what you could get from reading a few websites or talking to poly people. I was hoping for more from the author's social science background—some survey data perhaps, references to how this work relates to other research?—but you don't really get it from this. There is some survey data, but respondents are not randomly selected. They are the author's friends and personal contacts (one of them a woman who slept with the author's husband! So much for objectivity).
So, pretty unscientific. Wish there were more books on polyamory out there with a more rigorous approach and more surprising information.
So, pretty unscientific. Wish there were more books on polyamory out there with a more rigorous approach and more surprising information.
February 19, 2019
The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families (Hardcover)
by Elisabeth Sheff
heard au on radio:
https://the1a.org/shows/2019-02-18/po...
Guests
Janet W. Hardy Co-author, "The Ethical Slut"; @janetwhardyr
Elisabeth Sheff Sociologist and relationship consultant; author, "The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple Partner Relationships and Families"; @DrEliSheff
Ron Young Founder, Black and Poly
Crystal Farmer Editor, Black and Poly Magazine; @crystalbfarmer
by Elisabeth Sheff
heard au on radio:
https://the1a.org/shows/2019-02-18/po...
Guests
Janet W. Hardy Co-author, "The Ethical Slut"; @janetwhardyr
Elisabeth Sheff Sociologist and relationship consultant; author, "The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple Partner Relationships and Families"; @DrEliSheff
Ron Young Founder, Black and Poly
Crystal Farmer Editor, Black and Poly Magazine; @crystalbfarmer
September 13, 2017
While More Than Two is a good guide to poly life, The Polyamorists Next Door is more of a research-based dissertation. I found it unreadable cover-to-cover, but more because the concepts were mostly so basic than for academic language. However, it is the only poly book I've found that speaks extensively about poly families with children, and it includes individually great passages to read and refer to as reference material.
August 19, 2017
Fascinating reading
The width, breadth, and depth of human sexuality is formidable. This book looks, admittedly clinically, at multiple partner relationships in an ethical and consensual framework. Time will tell if this approach will be successful in our ever changing world. Excellent read.
The width, breadth, and depth of human sexuality is formidable. This book looks, admittedly clinically, at multiple partner relationships in an ethical and consensual framework. Time will tell if this approach will be successful in our ever changing world. Excellent read.
August 23, 2018
Gives Sheff's qualitative take on data from poly relationships. Sadly, she doesn't have data on people who have left the community, so it doesn't indicate the likelihood of poly relationships to work relative to monogamous. If you want a description of the poly community and some common strengths/problems they face, this is good (if dry).
January 22, 2021
Good read for anyone considering bringing up kids in a poly dynamic. Perhaps suffers from the inevitable challenges of working with a small self-selecting group and lack of longitudinal study. I also perhaps felt it did not give enough weight to the impact of turnover in relationships that often comes with poly.
July 5, 2025
Wow! Not a bad look into polyamory. It could have been written better if it had a lot more research on polyamory to draw ơn, but we seem to be in the infancy of researching this area of human life. I found it striking how monogamous relationships cần shift into poly ones and how poly ones cần shift into monogamous ones.
August 6, 2018
Information wise this was 4.5 stars. Writing wise it was probably 2 stars, maybe 3 if I'm being generous. Wasn't too hard to get through though, the subject matter was fascinating and I learned a lot.
November 6, 2018
An academic investigation that gives an honest and fair look at poly relationships.
June 5, 2019
Exceptionally written with precise attention to detail. Dr. Elizabeth Sheff does an extraordinary job exploring polyamorist families in the Bay Area through insightful interviews, and notable critiques, concerns, and commentary on the obstacles and advantages within the community. This book details nearly 2 decades of longitudinal research on the west coast, and is articulated with respectful disclaimers of bias, considerations, limitations of research, and ethically responsible methods of conducting research. 10 out of 10 would read it again, and will most definitely use it as a reference moving forward. Must read for anyone in the fields of social work, public services- more specifically the police force, human resources, public relations, sex education, therapy, counseling, or psychiatry; K-12 teaching, law, and medical industry. Would love to see this on Oprah's reading list someday.
Key highlights: Accessible use of language for non-academic readers. Comprehensive overview of subject material with specific attention to data collection and participant observation. A thoughtfully concise and brief read overall clocking in at about 300 pages~
Key highlights: Accessible use of language for non-academic readers. Comprehensive overview of subject material with specific attention to data collection and participant observation. A thoughtfully concise and brief read overall clocking in at about 300 pages~
June 19, 2021
A good presentation of "life as usual" in poly families. Quite a bit of emphasis on issues related to children.
An interesting chapter on issues related to laws (applying to the USA).
An interesting chapter on issues related to laws (applying to the USA).
November 24, 2021
Quite dry and academic, but nonetheless a valuable collection of case studies and anecdotes. Thoughtful and systematic presentation.
December 3, 2022
Repetitive writing
March 29, 2026
My favorite book on nonmonogamy by far. Sheff’s perspective, informed by decades of research, reveals so much about how people live in polyamory. Highly valuable, definitely recommend.
April 24, 2026
Practical, thorough and detailed review of non monogamous relationships. This book is more academic than self help so has a research and clinical tone. I’d recommend this most to clinicians looking to familiarize themselves with the language and culture of poly families. It’s not a pro or anti approach, I feel does a great job showing the array of experiences that can happen.
October 14, 2021
3.5 rounded up
Favorite part of this book was the interview sections from members of polyamorous families. I also appreciated that the author followed these families for so many years (nearly two decades in some cases!) That shows dedication.
Favorite part of this book was the interview sections from members of polyamorous families. I also appreciated that the author followed these families for so many years (nearly two decades in some cases!) That shows dedication.
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