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Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
USA TODAY BESTSELLER
INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLER
An essential set of tools and principles for healing your heart, finding love, and loving life.
Finding love can be hard. Being single can feel even harder. In Love Life, world-renowned coach and New York Times bestselling author Matthew Hussey provides a practical roadmap for letting go of past relationships, overcoming the fear of getting left behind, and finding the love we want.
Sometimes it feels like life and love are working against us. Just finding someone we like can be a struggle. Even when we do, we often find they’re not ready, or they want different things. Then there are the internal fears and anxieties that lead us to self-sabotage—that make us indulge the wrong behavior in others, hold back from expressing our needs for fear of losing someone, or overinvest in people and lose ourselves in the process. Love Life sheds light on these common patterns and how to overcome them, by showing us how to adopt new standards, elegantly communicate them, and develop the deepest levels of confidence that underpin them. Like many of us, Hussey has gone through major life changes over the past decade, and he opens up about his experiences, vulnerabilities, and mistakes.
Love Life is about doing love better. More than a book about romantic relationships, Love Life shows us how to take control of each of the major relationships in our our relationship with others, our relationship with ourselves, and our relationship with life itself.
Our love lives have the power to elevate or eradicate the adjacent joy in our lives. Love Life sets you on the path to finding the love of your life, while deepening your love for life.
USA TODAY BESTSELLER
INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLER
An essential set of tools and principles for healing your heart, finding love, and loving life.
Finding love can be hard. Being single can feel even harder. In Love Life, world-renowned coach and New York Times bestselling author Matthew Hussey provides a practical roadmap for letting go of past relationships, overcoming the fear of getting left behind, and finding the love we want.
Sometimes it feels like life and love are working against us. Just finding someone we like can be a struggle. Even when we do, we often find they’re not ready, or they want different things. Then there are the internal fears and anxieties that lead us to self-sabotage—that make us indulge the wrong behavior in others, hold back from expressing our needs for fear of losing someone, or overinvest in people and lose ourselves in the process. Love Life sheds light on these common patterns and how to overcome them, by showing us how to adopt new standards, elegantly communicate them, and develop the deepest levels of confidence that underpin them. Like many of us, Hussey has gone through major life changes over the past decade, and he opens up about his experiences, vulnerabilities, and mistakes.
Love Life is about doing love better. More than a book about romantic relationships, Love Life shows us how to take control of each of the major relationships in our our relationship with others, our relationship with ourselves, and our relationship with life itself.
Our love lives have the power to elevate or eradicate the adjacent joy in our lives. Love Life sets you on the path to finding the love of your life, while deepening your love for life.
269 pages, Kindle Edition
Published April 23, 2024
1433 people are currently reading
9702 people want to read
About the author
Matthew Hussey
10 books1,117 followersMatthew Hussey is a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence. His brand-new book,
Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily (No Matter What),
will be released on April 23.
Matthew's YouTube channel is number one in the world for love life advice, with over half a billion views. He writes a weekly newsletter and is the host of the podcast, Love Life With Matthew Hussey. He provides monthly coaching to the members of his private community at LoveLifeClub.com.
Over the past fifteen years, his proven approach has inspired millions through authentic, insightful, and practical advice that not only enables them to find love but also feel confident and in control of their own happiness. He lives in Los Angeles.
Matthew's YouTube channel is number one in the world for love life advice, with over half a billion views. He writes a weekly newsletter and is the host of the podcast, Love Life With Matthew Hussey. He provides monthly coaching to the members of his private community at LoveLifeClub.com.
Over the past fifteen years, his proven approach has inspired millions through authentic, insightful, and practical advice that not only enables them to find love but also feel confident and in control of their own happiness. He lives in Los Angeles.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 494 reviews
May 10, 2024
I’ve watched and enjoyed much of Matthew’s YT content over the years, so I was really looking forward to his book but was very disappointed after reading it. This doesn’t have to be everyone’s experience, but here’s why I can’t rate this book higher than 3 stars:
1. It’s more of an autobiography than a self-help book. If you want to find out more about Matthew Hussey’s thoughts and feelings this doesn’t have to be a problem. But I was looking for something more structured and practical.
2. It’s self-aggrandizing. It’s no secret that Matthew enjoys being the center of attention, heck, we all want to feel important and seen. But the desire for approval gets a little much sometimes. You can already spot it by looking at the blurbs on the cover that include endorsements from famous faces rather than faceless experts, such as Drew Barrymore (a random Hollywood star from the 90s), Jay Shetty (fake monk / self help guru), and Nicole Lepera (known pop psychologist).
3. It’s chaotic. Matthew Hussey is an incredibly smart and talented person, but you can be 3 pages into a chapter and still have no clue where it’s going. That’s because every chapter is a mix of stream of consciousness, dating insights, personal stories, stories from clients and friends, pithy quotes, and a zany amount of metaphors.
4. It skims the surface. The book only discusses one part of love, finding it. And that’s arguably the most simple part. It doesn’t offer much advice on what to do once you find someone. Admittedly, the book does say on the cover that it’s about finding your person, so perhaps I’m being unfair. But considering the majority of readers are looking for a relationship, I think it would have been important to dedicate at least one chapter to the realities of adult love. Because if you have romantic expectations of what it means to share a life with someone, even the perfect partner will let you down and potentially give you the idea they’re not right for you. Excluding this insight from the book doesn’t seem fair to the reader or their future love interests.
The truth is that nurturing a romantic relationship is one of the most difficult things that we’ll ever do in life; which we can gather from the countless failed relationships in our own lives and those of our friends and loved ones. And Matthew’s book doesn’t address this at all.
Tldr; it’s a book on dating and love by a dating coach who seems more focused on talking to his younger self than an audience of strangers looking for practical advice.
1. It’s more of an autobiography than a self-help book. If you want to find out more about Matthew Hussey’s thoughts and feelings this doesn’t have to be a problem. But I was looking for something more structured and practical.
2. It’s self-aggrandizing. It’s no secret that Matthew enjoys being the center of attention, heck, we all want to feel important and seen. But the desire for approval gets a little much sometimes. You can already spot it by looking at the blurbs on the cover that include endorsements from famous faces rather than faceless experts, such as Drew Barrymore (a random Hollywood star from the 90s), Jay Shetty (fake monk / self help guru), and Nicole Lepera (known pop psychologist).
3. It’s chaotic. Matthew Hussey is an incredibly smart and talented person, but you can be 3 pages into a chapter and still have no clue where it’s going. That’s because every chapter is a mix of stream of consciousness, dating insights, personal stories, stories from clients and friends, pithy quotes, and a zany amount of metaphors.
4. It skims the surface. The book only discusses one part of love, finding it. And that’s arguably the most simple part. It doesn’t offer much advice on what to do once you find someone. Admittedly, the book does say on the cover that it’s about finding your person, so perhaps I’m being unfair. But considering the majority of readers are looking for a relationship, I think it would have been important to dedicate at least one chapter to the realities of adult love. Because if you have romantic expectations of what it means to share a life with someone, even the perfect partner will let you down and potentially give you the idea they’re not right for you. Excluding this insight from the book doesn’t seem fair to the reader or their future love interests.
The truth is that nurturing a romantic relationship is one of the most difficult things that we’ll ever do in life; which we can gather from the countless failed relationships in our own lives and those of our friends and loved ones. And Matthew’s book doesn’t address this at all.
Tldr; it’s a book on dating and love by a dating coach who seems more focused on talking to his younger self than an audience of strangers looking for practical advice.
May 7, 2025
Had to pre order. I never pre order. And i rarely write reviews but, this one is special.
So excited this book is finally out!
No one has helped me more in my love life than Matthew Hussey. I’ve been on a rollercoaster with someone for more than a decade and in the last couple years, between he and Dr. Ramani (she’s a narcissism expert and also has a new book out! Check her out!) my understanding of love and damaging relationships has changed completely. I knew I was being mistreated. I knew it didn’t feel right. But I didn’t know what to do about it. He has shown me what healthy looks like, how to recognize patterns, how to raise my standards and when to leave, even when it’s the last thing you want to do. It’s hard to put into words my gratitude for this man’s work, but for me he feels a lot like a coach, a counselor, a mentor, pointing you in the right direction. Affirming your feelings and reminding you that dysfunction doesn’t have to be your love story.
This book is full of depth, wisdom and heart, written in Matthew’s unique way of saying things. I hope everyone out there; grabs a copy!! Well worth your time and money. 💕💕💕
So excited this book is finally out!
No one has helped me more in my love life than Matthew Hussey. I’ve been on a rollercoaster with someone for more than a decade and in the last couple years, between he and Dr. Ramani (she’s a narcissism expert and also has a new book out! Check her out!) my understanding of love and damaging relationships has changed completely. I knew I was being mistreated. I knew it didn’t feel right. But I didn’t know what to do about it. He has shown me what healthy looks like, how to recognize patterns, how to raise my standards and when to leave, even when it’s the last thing you want to do. It’s hard to put into words my gratitude for this man’s work, but for me he feels a lot like a coach, a counselor, a mentor, pointing you in the right direction. Affirming your feelings and reminding you that dysfunction doesn’t have to be your love story.
This book is full of depth, wisdom and heart, written in Matthew’s unique way of saying things. I hope everyone out there; grabs a copy!! Well worth your time and money. 💕💕💕
May 15, 2024
I was somewhat skeptical going in but this was fantastic. It’s mostly about your relationship with self and the patterns, narratives, or issues you consistently blame or re-enter. Read if curious, single or in relationship!
July 17, 2024
This is my first review ever, and I’m sorry to say this book is so horribly written. I’ve been Matthew’s fan for over 12 years, and even though I’m in a successful relationship thanks to adopting his techniques and mindset from his works, I must say that if you’ve been following his video content, this book is basically a word-for-word repetition.
His brother Stephen Hussey is such a wonderful writer; I don’t understand why he couldn’t fall back on his brother’s writing/proofreading skills. The editor of this book seems to have just scribbled down Matthew’s monologues, and I often felt confused, distracted, and even a bit sedated while reading it.
I wanted to support Matthew as a long-time fan, but please beware that this might be your experience when reading this book. The advice is 10/10—no complaints there. But the presentation and writing style? It was a tedious read, and I couldn’t wait to finish it.
If you’re interested in the content, spare yourself the struggle and just watch his YouTube channel.
His brother Stephen Hussey is such a wonderful writer; I don’t understand why he couldn’t fall back on his brother’s writing/proofreading skills. The editor of this book seems to have just scribbled down Matthew’s monologues, and I often felt confused, distracted, and even a bit sedated while reading it.
I wanted to support Matthew as a long-time fan, but please beware that this might be your experience when reading this book. The advice is 10/10—no complaints there. But the presentation and writing style? It was a tedious read, and I couldn’t wait to finish it.
If you’re interested in the content, spare yourself the struggle and just watch his YouTube channel.
June 1, 2024
SO POWERFUL!! This was such a good read for me as I am still very much processing my recent breakup. This book really helped me understand the red flags and was such a good reminder for me to keep waiting for what I want! A few quotes that really stood out to me:
“It’s okay to be disappointed that someone didn’t turn out to be the one but don’t grieve as if they were the one. If they didn’t choose you, they are not.”
“The poor treatment that was once so familiar may not have made us happy but we were still use to it.”
“The only relationship we are guaranteed till the day we die is with ourselves.”
“It’s okay to be disappointed that someone didn’t turn out to be the one but don’t grieve as if they were the one. If they didn’t choose you, they are not.”
“The poor treatment that was once so familiar may not have made us happy but we were still use to it.”
“The only relationship we are guaranteed till the day we die is with ourselves.”
May 24, 2024
I really liked the message of the book, but it could have been half the length. It's just hundreds of pages, meandering on topics that could have been shared much more succinctly.
June 30, 2025
My notes/highlights:
**Chapter 1. Being Single is Hard**
Relationships, love life, is like the game of Shoots & Ladders (Snakes & Ladders).
It's not a game of Monopoly.
**Anyone can find themselves back in the single state at any time.**
Christopher Hitchens:
"The melancholy lesson of advancing years is the realization that you cannot make old friends."
This is just as true for relationships.
People are defined by:
* the things they want
* the drives they have
* everything they are determined to accomplish
* we are also shaped by the things we reject: everything we have to say no to just to get where we hope to be
Chronic pain reconfigures the brain; with persistent pain, the pain receptors become dis-inhibited, so now they are on a hair trigger response, activating faster than they would in pain-free people.
10–15 unmiserable seconds when you just wake up before you piece it together & remember how you feel.
Remake your life.
Our:
* playful
* relaxed
* authentic
self.
The older we get, the easier it gets to become less visible to the world, as if our moment on stage has passed.
---
**Chapter 2. How to Tell Love Stories**
*4 Levels of Importance Model*
(To determine the value of a person in our lives as a serious candidate for a long-term relationship).
* Level 1. Admiration
* Level 2. Mutual Attraction
* Level 3. Commitment
* Level 4. Compatibility
**Level 1. Admiration:**
They:
* have qualities that we respect & admire, or want to have ourselves
* have charisma that draws us in
* are hot
**Level 2. Mutual Attraction:**
Wanting someone who wants you back.
**Level 3. Commitment:**
2 people agreeing on a path forward together;
I choose to be with you, & you choose to be with me. (monogamy)
**Level 4. Compatibility:**
How well do you work in a team together?
Having the same idea of what a great relationship looks like?
Have the same goals?
Are the different goals synergetic?
How competently are you able to negotiate when differences arise?
Are they good at handling me?
---
**Chapter 3. Retrain Your Instincts**
Qualities that make *a good partner*:
They are:
* kind & compassionate
* show up for you, consistently & reliably
* communicate well
* honest & trustworthy
* a great teammate
* they care about your day & the challenges you face, & they want to support you as you face them.
When life happens, we rely on our *training*.
With time, your training can become your new instincts.
True character is consistent; it can only be measured over time.
---
**Chapter 4. Beware Avoiders**
Avoider: Someone who can deceive you without ever telling you a lie, and/or with easygoing evasive responses.
Selective blindness.
A willing Audience.
The dissonance between their words & actions.
To change the subject when there's a price we're not yet willing to pay.
The conversation: "What are we?"
"Hey, I'm having the best time seeing you. I like you & I can feel myself liking you more & more each time we see each other; but I find myself not knowing where we stand. I didn't wanna just assume we were exclusive, but I want you to know I'm not seeing anyone else right now because I've been giving this a real chance. I wanted to know if you were in the same place or you are still wanting to remain open to seeing other people. If so, then that's okay, but it's something I should probably know before I keep investing more time & energy into us."
Say all this kindly, but be ruthless in your response.
---
**Chapter 5. Don't Join a Cult of Two**
Assume exclusivity at your own peril.
It's not about *putting pressure on someone* (rarely works)
It's about staying true to your self & what you really want.
A friend is not an echo chamber.
Be the reality check you want to see in the world.
---
**Chapter 6. Red Flags**
* talking badly about multiple exes
* treating people badly when they don't think you're looking. As long as there's an audience, there's still a performance.
* lovebombing
* not saying "I'm sorry"
* consistently not keeping promises, big & small vs. the ability to follow through. (if both of the above, cut your losses & start looking for a teammate you can rely on.)
* inconsistency in communication: they are living a double-life that you don't know about. When communication stopped with you, it means it started with the other person in their life.
---
**Chapter 7. Have Hard Conversations**
We cannot improve what we don't confront.
Anything we ignore, we tacitly approve.
---
**Chapter 8. Attention is not Intention**
Don't invest in someone based on how much you like them.
Invest in someone based on how much they invest in you.
Invest, then test.
* Attention: the energy someone is giving you in the moment.
* Intention: the genuine desire to see where things might go.
Inconstancy
Romantic Houdini
If you fail to announce what you really want here, you run the risk of becoming invisible to the kind of person who wants exactly the same thing.
*6 Ways to distinguish attention from intention:*
1. get curious: ask questions about their nature, plans, what they are looking for. (genuine curiosity)
2. you notice them being curious: to learn about you & your values, background, lifestyle
3. they follow up
4. they are scheduling (not just planning) consistently
5. they involve you: in their life. (onboarding you)
6. they make you feel comfortable.
---
**Chapter 9. Never Satisfied**
---
**Chapter 10. How to Rewire your Brain**
---
**Chapter 11. Having a Child?**
Freezing eggs?
Reversible vasectomy
---
**Chapter 12. How to Leave When You Can't Seem to Leave**
*Necessary Steps of Separation:*
(in sequence. Don't leapfrog any of them.)
1. Assume this person will never change. Their reasons:
* They don't want to. Why:
* need to be willing to admit they are repeating harmful behavior
* have to want to change the patterns
* have to commit to the slow & painful process of changing those patterns
* the change is too big.
* the differences are not behavioral differences. They are character differences.
What makes people want to change? Suffering.
Extrinsic motivation.
2. don't let your empathy become your enemy
3. don't allow your empathy to become your cover for your fear.
Don't use your capacity for empathy to justify persisting in the relationship.
when in truth, a huge part of staying is rooted in our own fears, e.g.
* the thought of being alone again
* terrified of losing this person
* I'll never find a connection like this again
* no one will ever love me like they do
* I'll never love anyone like this again
* I'll have to start over
* I've wasted years of my life
* I won't know how to get by on my own
Face your existential fears.
4. you have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up your own life.
Need *total acceptance* that your needs will not be met and are not being met.
That this relationship & the life it creates are untenable.
That you're deeply unhappy
until you admit that your fantasy version of the relationship is nothing like your actual lived experience.
Admit how unhappy you are now, & have been for a long time & how unhappy you will always be if you stay.
Admit I'm not in a functional relationship, & this relationship is over.
I have no future with this person if I ever hope to be at peace.
I'm going to miss this person, even though they caused me tremendous pain.
Will have to go through a painful withdrawal, grief, the initial loneliness that will take its place
especially if I actively maintain a false image of a happy relationship with the people around me.
5. When the reality of this tough choice sets in, your mind will trick you that this person & your life together aren't so bad after all.
6. If you stay where you are, you'll never be happy & you'll never be at peace.
7. just because it hurts, doesn't mean it's wrong.
The **pain** of loss, when you leave.
Pain is often a precursor to happiness.
---
**Chapter 13. Identity Confidence**
We tend to value what we invest in.
The more we are connected to the other grounding aspects of our life, the harder it is for someone who hasn't texted us back in 3 hours, to overthrow our equilibrium.
Activities that leave us feeling refreshed & fulfilled.
Anything that connects us with ourselves & our sense of purpose.
"Fuck you money"
"Fuck you confidence"
from having steady support in your life.
*Draw your Identity Matrix*
Aspects of your life that you draw your sense of confidence from, e.g.
* friendships
* the position you've earned in your career
* being able to speak a second language or play an instrument
* your treasured hobby
* financial security you've created for yourself
* your citizenship in a new country for an immigrant
* a home they've poured years of love into
* how well-read you are
* how much you've traveled abroad to experience other cultures
Some are more important to us & we draw a lot of our validation from.
The size of them tends to be a reflection of what we identify with the most.
What would have the biggest effect on my confidence if it were taken away?
---
**Chapter 14. Surviving a Breakup**
6 Strategies:
1. Connect with a newfound sense of peace.
Think of all the negative emotions that you've just been liberated from.
Remove what reminds you of them, so long as it doesn't affect your quality of life.
Processing the break-up (good) → helps us move on.
vs.
Ruminating the break-up (bad) → compulsive.
Do things you wouldn't or couldn't do while you were in that relationship.
Resist the rebound if you can.
---
**Chapter 15. Core Confidence**
Core confidence vs Identity Confidence
Identity layer: "I'm confident in part because I have a relationship"
vs.
Core layer: "I'm confident I'll be okay even without a relationship including the one I'm in."
The most unshakable relationship in life is the one we have with ourselves.
Core confidence is about how we approach that relationship.
The relationship with yourself.
How to love yourself (*self-love*):
Action (as a verb, to love), not a feeling.
Loving yourself is not a goal,
is an action:
* taking care of
* investing in
* encouraging
* nurturing
* standing up for
Reclaiming yourself
Be kind, or at least decent, to yourself.
If we love ourselves because of our strongest features & traits, it leaves us vulnerable to the argument that we shouldn't love ourselves on bad days when those traits aren't on show, or when someone with more of them shows up. That means we need deeper reasons to love ourselves.
**See love as an action**, not a feeling.
The values of:
* decency
* kindness
* respect
* compassion
that we apply to other people, must be extended to ourselves too.
How would you treat yourself if you realized "I'm the person who belongs to me"?
**Self-forgiveness** for the past.
A 2-part test of how you treat yourself:
1. when you do something right, do you spend any time acknowledging your contributions & celebrating the accomplishments?
2. when you do something wrong or stupid, how long do you spend beating yourself up about it?
To **self-forgive**:
Separate **accountability** from **blame**:
"I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask them to pay for them."
Through the lens of **determinism**, hatred of ourselves & others makes no sense.
Determinism: pre-determined behavior, because of genetics, environment, epigenetic, etc.
Don't blame the old model.
Reframing, resourcefulness, & celebrating your ingredients
2 fundamentals of core confidence:
* Acceptance
* Resourcefulness: to make anything work
Accept the facts & work with what you currently have.
**Reframing**:
Taking the non-negotiable circumstances of your life & making them your own at an exquisite level.
\+
Recognizing the parts of ourselves that we could never have experienced without the very thing that we wish had never happened.
Creating meaning is proactive.
**Chapter 1. Being Single is Hard**
Relationships, love life, is like the game of Shoots & Ladders (Snakes & Ladders).
It's not a game of Monopoly.
**Anyone can find themselves back in the single state at any time.**
Christopher Hitchens:
"The melancholy lesson of advancing years is the realization that you cannot make old friends."
This is just as true for relationships.
People are defined by:
* the things they want
* the drives they have
* everything they are determined to accomplish
* we are also shaped by the things we reject: everything we have to say no to just to get where we hope to be
Chronic pain reconfigures the brain; with persistent pain, the pain receptors become dis-inhibited, so now they are on a hair trigger response, activating faster than they would in pain-free people.
10–15 unmiserable seconds when you just wake up before you piece it together & remember how you feel.
Remake your life.
Our:
* playful
* relaxed
* authentic
self.
The older we get, the easier it gets to become less visible to the world, as if our moment on stage has passed.
---
**Chapter 2. How to Tell Love Stories**
*4 Levels of Importance Model*
(To determine the value of a person in our lives as a serious candidate for a long-term relationship).
* Level 1. Admiration
* Level 2. Mutual Attraction
* Level 3. Commitment
* Level 4. Compatibility
**Level 1. Admiration:**
They:
* have qualities that we respect & admire, or want to have ourselves
* have charisma that draws us in
* are hot
**Level 2. Mutual Attraction:**
Wanting someone who wants you back.
**Level 3. Commitment:**
2 people agreeing on a path forward together;
I choose to be with you, & you choose to be with me. (monogamy)
**Level 4. Compatibility:**
How well do you work in a team together?
Having the same idea of what a great relationship looks like?
Have the same goals?
Are the different goals synergetic?
How competently are you able to negotiate when differences arise?
Are they good at handling me?
---
**Chapter 3. Retrain Your Instincts**
Qualities that make *a good partner*:
They are:
* kind & compassionate
* show up for you, consistently & reliably
* communicate well
* honest & trustworthy
* a great teammate
* they care about your day & the challenges you face, & they want to support you as you face them.
When life happens, we rely on our *training*.
With time, your training can become your new instincts.
True character is consistent; it can only be measured over time.
---
**Chapter 4. Beware Avoiders**
Avoider: Someone who can deceive you without ever telling you a lie, and/or with easygoing evasive responses.
Selective blindness.
A willing Audience.
The dissonance between their words & actions.
To change the subject when there's a price we're not yet willing to pay.
The conversation: "What are we?"
"Hey, I'm having the best time seeing you. I like you & I can feel myself liking you more & more each time we see each other; but I find myself not knowing where we stand. I didn't wanna just assume we were exclusive, but I want you to know I'm not seeing anyone else right now because I've been giving this a real chance. I wanted to know if you were in the same place or you are still wanting to remain open to seeing other people. If so, then that's okay, but it's something I should probably know before I keep investing more time & energy into us."
Say all this kindly, but be ruthless in your response.
---
**Chapter 5. Don't Join a Cult of Two**
Assume exclusivity at your own peril.
It's not about *putting pressure on someone* (rarely works)
It's about staying true to your self & what you really want.
A friend is not an echo chamber.
Be the reality check you want to see in the world.
---
**Chapter 6. Red Flags**
* talking badly about multiple exes
* treating people badly when they don't think you're looking. As long as there's an audience, there's still a performance.
* lovebombing
* not saying "I'm sorry"
* consistently not keeping promises, big & small vs. the ability to follow through. (if both of the above, cut your losses & start looking for a teammate you can rely on.)
* inconsistency in communication: they are living a double-life that you don't know about. When communication stopped with you, it means it started with the other person in their life.
---
**Chapter 7. Have Hard Conversations**
We cannot improve what we don't confront.
Anything we ignore, we tacitly approve.
---
**Chapter 8. Attention is not Intention**
Don't invest in someone based on how much you like them.
Invest in someone based on how much they invest in you.
Invest, then test.
* Attention: the energy someone is giving you in the moment.
* Intention: the genuine desire to see where things might go.
Inconstancy
Romantic Houdini
If you fail to announce what you really want here, you run the risk of becoming invisible to the kind of person who wants exactly the same thing.
*6 Ways to distinguish attention from intention:*
1. get curious: ask questions about their nature, plans, what they are looking for. (genuine curiosity)
2. you notice them being curious: to learn about you & your values, background, lifestyle
3. they follow up
4. they are scheduling (not just planning) consistently
5. they involve you: in their life. (onboarding you)
6. they make you feel comfortable.
---
**Chapter 9. Never Satisfied**
---
**Chapter 10. How to Rewire your Brain**
---
**Chapter 11. Having a Child?**
Freezing eggs?
Reversible vasectomy
---
**Chapter 12. How to Leave When You Can't Seem to Leave**
*Necessary Steps of Separation:*
(in sequence. Don't leapfrog any of them.)
1. Assume this person will never change. Their reasons:
* They don't want to. Why:
* need to be willing to admit they are repeating harmful behavior
* have to want to change the patterns
* have to commit to the slow & painful process of changing those patterns
* the change is too big.
* the differences are not behavioral differences. They are character differences.
What makes people want to change? Suffering.
Extrinsic motivation.
2. don't let your empathy become your enemy
3. don't allow your empathy to become your cover for your fear.
Don't use your capacity for empathy to justify persisting in the relationship.
when in truth, a huge part of staying is rooted in our own fears, e.g.
* the thought of being alone again
* terrified of losing this person
* I'll never find a connection like this again
* no one will ever love me like they do
* I'll never love anyone like this again
* I'll have to start over
* I've wasted years of my life
* I won't know how to get by on my own
Face your existential fears.
4. you have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up your own life.
Need *total acceptance* that your needs will not be met and are not being met.
That this relationship & the life it creates are untenable.
That you're deeply unhappy
until you admit that your fantasy version of the relationship is nothing like your actual lived experience.
Admit how unhappy you are now, & have been for a long time & how unhappy you will always be if you stay.
Admit I'm not in a functional relationship, & this relationship is over.
I have no future with this person if I ever hope to be at peace.
I'm going to miss this person, even though they caused me tremendous pain.
Will have to go through a painful withdrawal, grief, the initial loneliness that will take its place
especially if I actively maintain a false image of a happy relationship with the people around me.
5. When the reality of this tough choice sets in, your mind will trick you that this person & your life together aren't so bad after all.
6. If you stay where you are, you'll never be happy & you'll never be at peace.
7. just because it hurts, doesn't mean it's wrong.
The **pain** of loss, when you leave.
Pain is often a precursor to happiness.
---
**Chapter 13. Identity Confidence**
We tend to value what we invest in.
The more we are connected to the other grounding aspects of our life, the harder it is for someone who hasn't texted us back in 3 hours, to overthrow our equilibrium.
Activities that leave us feeling refreshed & fulfilled.
Anything that connects us with ourselves & our sense of purpose.
"Fuck you money"
"Fuck you confidence"
from having steady support in your life.
*Draw your Identity Matrix*
Aspects of your life that you draw your sense of confidence from, e.g.
* friendships
* the position you've earned in your career
* being able to speak a second language or play an instrument
* your treasured hobby
* financial security you've created for yourself
* your citizenship in a new country for an immigrant
* a home they've poured years of love into
* how well-read you are
* how much you've traveled abroad to experience other cultures
Some are more important to us & we draw a lot of our validation from.
The size of them tends to be a reflection of what we identify with the most.
What would have the biggest effect on my confidence if it were taken away?
---
**Chapter 14. Surviving a Breakup**
6 Strategies:
1. Connect with a newfound sense of peace.
Think of all the negative emotions that you've just been liberated from.
Remove what reminds you of them, so long as it doesn't affect your quality of life.
Processing the break-up (good) → helps us move on.
vs.
Ruminating the break-up (bad) → compulsive.
Do things you wouldn't or couldn't do while you were in that relationship.
Resist the rebound if you can.
---
**Chapter 15. Core Confidence**
Core confidence vs Identity Confidence
Identity layer: "I'm confident in part because I have a relationship"
vs.
Core layer: "I'm confident I'll be okay even without a relationship including the one I'm in."
The most unshakable relationship in life is the one we have with ourselves.
Core confidence is about how we approach that relationship.
The relationship with yourself.
How to love yourself (*self-love*):
Action (as a verb, to love), not a feeling.
Loving yourself is not a goal,
is an action:
* taking care of
* investing in
* encouraging
* nurturing
* standing up for
Reclaiming yourself
Be kind, or at least decent, to yourself.
If we love ourselves because of our strongest features & traits, it leaves us vulnerable to the argument that we shouldn't love ourselves on bad days when those traits aren't on show, or when someone with more of them shows up. That means we need deeper reasons to love ourselves.
**See love as an action**, not a feeling.
The values of:
* decency
* kindness
* respect
* compassion
that we apply to other people, must be extended to ourselves too.
How would you treat yourself if you realized "I'm the person who belongs to me"?
**Self-forgiveness** for the past.
A 2-part test of how you treat yourself:
1. when you do something right, do you spend any time acknowledging your contributions & celebrating the accomplishments?
2. when you do something wrong or stupid, how long do you spend beating yourself up about it?
To **self-forgive**:
Separate **accountability** from **blame**:
"I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask them to pay for them."
Through the lens of **determinism**, hatred of ourselves & others makes no sense.
Determinism: pre-determined behavior, because of genetics, environment, epigenetic, etc.
Don't blame the old model.
Reframing, resourcefulness, & celebrating your ingredients
2 fundamentals of core confidence:
* Acceptance
* Resourcefulness: to make anything work
Accept the facts & work with what you currently have.
**Reframing**:
Taking the non-negotiable circumstances of your life & making them your own at an exquisite level.
\+
Recognizing the parts of ourselves that we could never have experienced without the very thing that we wish had never happened.
Creating meaning is proactive.
May 2, 2024
As soon as I heard there will be a book coming I was excited 💗 I can’t wait to read this, I heard bits from it and want more! I bought for my friends too, we could all do with Matt’s wisdom.
Edit: finally got it, so good. Crying and laughing as I’m reading and mainly, really making me think. I wish I had this 30 years ago!
Edit: finally got it, so good. Crying and laughing as I’m reading and mainly, really making me think. I wish I had this 30 years ago!
May 6, 2024
Basically a summary of the advice he gives out on his podcast- it’s good yeah as is the podcast but this is nothing new and how a book is due other than for shaking people down for their money is beyond me…
June 11, 2024
This is a great book to read when you’re working through a break up. With the way Hussey details and explains common faults in relationships & relational dynamics, I was able to look back on things from a completely different perspective, no longer feeling obligated to stick up for the person I was with. It brought me a lot of clarity and many ideas to bring to the relationship I have with myself and life.
This is an easy 5 star read for me, as everything felt really relevant, well-articulated and explained in detail with humour and personality - I also know it will stick with me for life! The stories he shared of other people’s relationship struggles were some of my favourite parts of the book.
Just gave me wonderful insight on what narcissistic behaviour in a relationship can actually look like, especially to the opposing dichotomy of overly-empathetic people who are skilful to a fault in excusing such behaviour. Or, as Matthew says, people who weaponise their empathy to their own detriment. Felt too seen haha. Now I have a great amount of tools to help in the future, not only when it comes to dating and choosing a partner, but also in my healing journey and finding a stronger core confidence within myself.
Couldn’t recommend more for when you’re needing a good self-reflection.
(audio-booked this one)
This is an easy 5 star read for me, as everything felt really relevant, well-articulated and explained in detail with humour and personality - I also know it will stick with me for life! The stories he shared of other people’s relationship struggles were some of my favourite parts of the book.
Just gave me wonderful insight on what narcissistic behaviour in a relationship can actually look like, especially to the opposing dichotomy of overly-empathetic people who are skilful to a fault in excusing such behaviour. Or, as Matthew says, people who weaponise their empathy to their own detriment. Felt too seen haha. Now I have a great amount of tools to help in the future, not only when it comes to dating and choosing a partner, but also in my healing journey and finding a stronger core confidence within myself.
Couldn’t recommend more for when you’re needing a good self-reflection.
(audio-booked this one)
June 9, 2024
I knew this would be so much more than a ‘dating book’. I’d recommend to anyone, whether single or in a relationship, who is serious about exploring the relationship they have with themselves and with life
December 14, 2024
I think every person alive should be required to read this book. So good!
June 6, 2024
I really enjoyed audiobooking this one, listening to it on my odd runs and walks. A lot of really good thoughts on improving your relationship with yourself and your idea of love, and I really enjoyed all the little anecdotes and personal stories that Matthew Hussey shared. Some chapters really resonated with me and stuff in my love life, and others not so much (which is expected) - but I like how I’ve walked away from this book with some new thoughts on my own perception of loving life.
April 22, 2024
This book is SO GOOD - it’s the wisdom I wish I could’ve had a couple months back. Texted my single friends and told them it’s a must read - esp. Ch 10 🫶🏻
May 6, 2024
Empty calories, DNF.
January 5, 2025
Not one for long reviews on this platform but had some friends here who were curious about this book so here goes. And besides, I have some thoughts.
It's a well-written, short (a bit over 200 pages), and uplifting book. His writing style is light and entertaining and keeps you invested throughout the whole book. I'd seen some interviews with Matthew Hussey before on social media and his energy is contagious, something he can deliver in the written word as well, quite impressive that.
I think that if you are someone who's self-image, confidence, sense of self, or identity could use some work, this book is for you. He puts a large emphasis on being in touch with your emotions and knowing what you want and need and not just in relationships but in life. So, if you are someone who could do with some work on the old noggin then, yes. You could benefit from reading this book.
As someone who is relatively content with herself, has built her confidence and overall mental well-being through literally anything but romantic connections, this book just didn't really hit the spot for me. Sure, some things hit a nerve but most of the time I found myself thinking "is he being serious?". He speaks of heartbreak as the absolute worst personal hell a person could go through, something I just simply cannot fathom. It's strange because early on in the book he talks about how the right person for you would always choose you and if they don't then they are not your person. After reading that I thought "yep true", but then he goes on a whole chapter on how to survive a breakup as it's actual warfare. Maybe I´m being insensitive about this but every single breakup I've been through has, despite it's shittyness, been rather easy to rationalize as a positive change in my life by looking at it with the energy of that earlier statement.
His stories of the people around him as well as himself were interesting and quite entertaining and I genuinly would read a whole book just with stories like that. Sometimes I wanted to scream at him through the pages "WE GET IT YOU'RE HAPPILY MARRIED" but oh well. He did manage to connect the real life stories to his theories, which I think makes his credibility more secure. He obviously has been doing this for a long time so he should know what he's doing. Also, I always appreciate when an expert (whatever the definiton of that is) is not afraid of taking other people's points of view into his work. Hussey does that here very well by embedding the stories into the narrative but also by quoting others and giving them the deserved credit.
Overall, I liked this book. Even though there wasn't much to take away from it for me personally other than the confirmation that I'm doing fine in life.
It's a well-written, short (a bit over 200 pages), and uplifting book. His writing style is light and entertaining and keeps you invested throughout the whole book. I'd seen some interviews with Matthew Hussey before on social media and his energy is contagious, something he can deliver in the written word as well, quite impressive that.
I think that if you are someone who's self-image, confidence, sense of self, or identity could use some work, this book is for you. He puts a large emphasis on being in touch with your emotions and knowing what you want and need and not just in relationships but in life. So, if you are someone who could do with some work on the old noggin then, yes. You could benefit from reading this book.
As someone who is relatively content with herself, has built her confidence and overall mental well-being through literally anything but romantic connections, this book just didn't really hit the spot for me. Sure, some things hit a nerve but most of the time I found myself thinking "is he being serious?". He speaks of heartbreak as the absolute worst personal hell a person could go through, something I just simply cannot fathom. It's strange because early on in the book he talks about how the right person for you would always choose you and if they don't then they are not your person. After reading that I thought "yep true", but then he goes on a whole chapter on how to survive a breakup as it's actual warfare. Maybe I´m being insensitive about this but every single breakup I've been through has, despite it's shittyness, been rather easy to rationalize as a positive change in my life by looking at it with the energy of that earlier statement.
His stories of the people around him as well as himself were interesting and quite entertaining and I genuinly would read a whole book just with stories like that. Sometimes I wanted to scream at him through the pages "WE GET IT YOU'RE HAPPILY MARRIED" but oh well. He did manage to connect the real life stories to his theories, which I think makes his credibility more secure. He obviously has been doing this for a long time so he should know what he's doing. Also, I always appreciate when an expert (whatever the definiton of that is) is not afraid of taking other people's points of view into his work. Hussey does that here very well by embedding the stories into the narrative but also by quoting others and giving them the deserved credit.
Overall, I liked this book. Even though there wasn't much to take away from it for me personally other than the confirmation that I'm doing fine in life.
Read
January 2, 2025Normally I would read a book like this, feel a little embarrassed by its self-help/romance guru topic, and not add it to Goodreads. But I’ve set an ambitious reading goal this year, so I shrugged and decided to own it.
Years ago I cannot remember how I first saw one of the author’s YouTube videos but I remember being struck by the clever, straightforward practicality of it. Although his worldview is different than mine and he has the typical British affinity for f bombs, I can tell this is a person who has grown, matured, suffered. The book was still quite practical but I think the strength of it is that he’s challenging the root of limiting beliefs and behaviors around relationships and singleness. I needed to hear several of the chapters and implement some of the exercises like the confidence matrix.
Years ago I cannot remember how I first saw one of the author’s YouTube videos but I remember being struck by the clever, straightforward practicality of it. Although his worldview is different than mine and he has the typical British affinity for f bombs, I can tell this is a person who has grown, matured, suffered. The book was still quite practical but I think the strength of it is that he’s challenging the root of limiting beliefs and behaviors around relationships and singleness. I needed to hear several of the chapters and implement some of the exercises like the confidence matrix.
September 27, 2025
I cannot believe I am rating a self-help book five stars, and furthermore I can’t believe that it’s a book by a guy I used to watch on YouTube when I was in high school and wanted a boyfriend… but here we are.
As cheesy/cliche/embarrassing as it might’ve felt at first, everyone in my life right now has heard me talk about this book and about Matthew (who I jokingly and lovingly refer to as “my guru”). This book really had me take a step back and take a new perspective on the relationship I have with myself, my values, and all of the different types of love and relationships I hope to cultivate throughout my life. I am probably going to buy a copy of my own for re-reading and annotating, as it really impacted me that much.
As cheesy/cliche/embarrassing as it might’ve felt at first, everyone in my life right now has heard me talk about this book and about Matthew (who I jokingly and lovingly refer to as “my guru”). This book really had me take a step back and take a new perspective on the relationship I have with myself, my values, and all of the different types of love and relationships I hope to cultivate throughout my life. I am probably going to buy a copy of my own for re-reading and annotating, as it really impacted me that much.
July 22, 2024
Truly sensational, my 5 🌟s almost always (95% of the time) represent those that I believe anyone could enjoy and benefit from..
“One of the greatest ways to be the author of magic is through a generosity of spirit. When we reach out to someone with a text or a call, recognize their potential, we show them that in a world moving at breakneck speed, there’s someone who truly sees them, who is bearing witness to their journey. If you leave people better than you found them, you are a source of magic in this world. This is different from people pleasing, which is rooted in fear. It is giving love from abundance. And in giving love, we feel filled with it. We’re no longer seeking it, we are it.”
“One of the greatest ways to be the author of magic is through a generosity of spirit. When we reach out to someone with a text or a call, recognize their potential, we show them that in a world moving at breakneck speed, there’s someone who truly sees them, who is bearing witness to their journey. If you leave people better than you found them, you are a source of magic in this world. This is different from people pleasing, which is rooted in fear. It is giving love from abundance. And in giving love, we feel filled with it. We’re no longer seeking it, we are it.”
March 5, 2025
I started listening to this book about a year ago and then sort of stopped for a long time, and recently picked it back up because I already had it on Audible, and then ended up finishing it.
I love his voice so would recommend as an audio book, and the tone with which he speaks is really powerful and convincing (in a good way).
I liked that this book wasn’t just about dating. Yes it was a little about dating of course, but it also focused more on the psychology of human behavior and how to manage your emotions. It reminded me of untethered soul in that way. It was a bit long but comprehensive nonetheless. Would recommend as a self help book about interpersonal relationships.
I love his voice so would recommend as an audio book, and the tone with which he speaks is really powerful and convincing (in a good way).
I liked that this book wasn’t just about dating. Yes it was a little about dating of course, but it also focused more on the psychology of human behavior and how to manage your emotions. It reminded me of untethered soul in that way. It was a bit long but comprehensive nonetheless. Would recommend as a self help book about interpersonal relationships.
July 22, 2024
I’m a big fan of Matthew’s so was always going to read this book. If you were a complete novice I think you’d get a lot from it. But because I’ve consumed a lot of this content already, it felt like I was listening to stuff I already knew, so I didn’t find it as enjoyable. Still, lots of wisdom to take from it!
February 10, 2025
One of the best books I’ve read about relationships: Romantic, as well as the one with myself and others. Had to power through a bit when it got repetitive but the ending was a beautiful reason to read all the way through. It’s a great mix of relatable and inspiring stories and tangible action items and a perspective shift!
June 12, 2024
4.5 ⭐️
July 14, 2024
Loved this book. So so good. Not just to think about relationships, but life in general
December 13, 2024
3.5 rated up. His information was useful and mostly about loving yourself plus letting it go if it doesn’t work with another person, which I respect. He’s a life coach and no actual scientific evidence to back his information, just life experiences
April 26, 2024
I didn't have any big revelations reading this book because I already agreed with him about most of it. The big takeaways are:
1. Pain is resistance. Surrender to it and it will become tolerable.
2. If you're convinced nobody else loves you, you might as well love yourself.
3. You don't have to earn love or deserve it, whatever that means. Love is not conditional.
4. Value the right things in yourself and others.
5. Get clarity about what you want and don't settle for unhappiness out of fear. Being in a bad relationship is worse than loneliness.
As a queer woman who doesn't want children, a lot of this book was spent on situations that haven't and will never apply to me, but some of it is universal.
Was this worth reading? I don't think he said anything new that he hadn't already said in his YouTube videos. I've enjoyed watching Hussey's conversations on YouTube more because they feel more organic than this book. The relentless enthusiastic grit, while self-aware, also rings a bit hollow when you're simply not emotionally ready to internalise it. That said, this book may spur a lot of people on at the right moment. The retreats feel kinda culty to me, but the book won't hurt you.
1. Pain is resistance. Surrender to it and it will become tolerable.
2. If you're convinced nobody else loves you, you might as well love yourself.
3. You don't have to earn love or deserve it, whatever that means. Love is not conditional.
4. Value the right things in yourself and others.
5. Get clarity about what you want and don't settle for unhappiness out of fear. Being in a bad relationship is worse than loneliness.
As a queer woman who doesn't want children, a lot of this book was spent on situations that haven't and will never apply to me, but some of it is universal.
Was this worth reading? I don't think he said anything new that he hadn't already said in his YouTube videos. I've enjoyed watching Hussey's conversations on YouTube more because they feel more organic than this book. The relentless enthusiastic grit, while self-aware, also rings a bit hollow when you're simply not emotionally ready to internalise it. That said, this book may spur a lot of people on at the right moment. The retreats feel kinda culty to me, but the book won't hurt you.
June 10, 2024
Happy Enough ❤️
January 11, 2025
Helvetin hyvä
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