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Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths
What if incompatibility is actually grounds for marriage?
What if conflict is growth trying to happen?
Making Marriage Simple is the go-to guide for building a strong marriage in a modern world. Get practical advice from two expert relationship therapists with decades of "R&D" in the marriage lab of international workshops and their own relationship journey. New York Times bestselling authors, Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D., distill everything they've learned about creating a successful and satisfying relationship into 10 essential truths.
In each chapter, Harville and Helen introduce a simple truth--such as "a frustration is a wish in disguise," "incompatibility is grounds for marriage," or "conflict is growth trying to happen." Then, they walk you through easy, yet effective, exercises to help you apply each truth in real life, every day.
Harville and Helen have spent their careers helping couples transform their marriages through research, workshops, and counseling. Their first book, Getting the Love You Want , was featured 15 times on The Oprah Winfrey Show and a runaway bestseller. However, marriage--even for marriage experts--is never easy, and a number of years ago they found themselves on the brink of divorce. Harville and Helen put themselves back together through the exercises they used coaching other couples, saving their marriage, and helping achieve a true partnership.
Making Marriage Simple offers the practical tools needed to transform one's relationship into a rewarding and joyous marriage.
Read the strategic blueprint for creating a stronger, more satisfying partnership in today's world.
What if conflict is growth trying to happen?
Making Marriage Simple is the go-to guide for building a strong marriage in a modern world. Get practical advice from two expert relationship therapists with decades of "R&D" in the marriage lab of international workshops and their own relationship journey. New York Times bestselling authors, Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D., distill everything they've learned about creating a successful and satisfying relationship into 10 essential truths.
In each chapter, Harville and Helen introduce a simple truth--such as "a frustration is a wish in disguise," "incompatibility is grounds for marriage," or "conflict is growth trying to happen." Then, they walk you through easy, yet effective, exercises to help you apply each truth in real life, every day.
Harville and Helen have spent their careers helping couples transform their marriages through research, workshops, and counseling. Their first book, Getting the Love You Want , was featured 15 times on The Oprah Winfrey Show and a runaway bestseller. However, marriage--even for marriage experts--is never easy, and a number of years ago they found themselves on the brink of divorce. Harville and Helen put themselves back together through the exercises they used coaching other couples, saving their marriage, and helping achieve a true partnership.
Making Marriage Simple offers the practical tools needed to transform one's relationship into a rewarding and joyous marriage.
Read the strategic blueprint for creating a stronger, more satisfying partnership in today's world.
208 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 2011
318 people are currently reading
1242 people want to read
About the author
Harville Hendrix
84 books244 followersHarville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a New York Times bestseller that has sold more than two million copies. He has more than thirty years’ experience as an educator and therapist. He specializes in working with couples in private practice, teaching marital therapy to therapists, and conducting couples workshops across the country. Dr. Hendrix is the founder/director of the Imago Institute for Relationship Therapy. He lives in New Jersey and New Mexico.
http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...
http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 107 reviews
May 17, 2013
Why should a single person read this book?
Let's just say I enjoy reading and being overly prepared. And, I needed some tips on relating to my mother (I'm a turtle, she's a hailstorm)
I simply adore this book. I've tried reading "Getting The Love You Want" a few times, with no avail. This book (which is an updated version of their life mixed with GTLYW) is an easy read that teaches the principles of communication, listening and being present in your relationship. Combined with cute illustrations to make their points clear, this book is well written, full of "ah ha" moment and simply a great book to add to my mental library.
Let's just say I enjoy reading and being overly prepared. And, I needed some tips on relating to my mother (I'm a turtle, she's a hailstorm)
I simply adore this book. I've tried reading "Getting The Love You Want" a few times, with no avail. This book (which is an updated version of their life mixed with GTLYW) is an easy read that teaches the principles of communication, listening and being present in your relationship. Combined with cute illustrations to make their points clear, this book is well written, full of "ah ha" moment and simply a great book to add to my mental library.
June 26, 2018
Reading this while single because overpreparation ftw. Cute analogies (turtle, hailstorm, crocodile, owl), though the amount of generalisations seem slightly uncalled for. I do agree with the underlying premise that we are our relationships, though.
To quote: "We believe that we discover who we are in relationship, not in isolation. We are born in relationship. We are wounded in relationship. And we are healed in relationship. We cannot know or become who we are except in relationship. Essentially, we are our relationships. And the most powerful relationship for self-discovery and transformation is our primary love relationship. It is within this context that you can actually rewire your brain, shifting how you think and feel.
The role of those choosing to commit to a life partner is that of friend, supporter, advocate, and healer. It is about growing oneself to take on the welfare of the other."
___
Building a new way of relating to each other is a lot like developing muscles. It takes intention and daily work.
When you say to your new partner "I feel like I've known you forever", in a way you have. This new person has some very strong similarities to your childhood caregivers.
This manifests in you feeling the same feelings you had as a child when you were with your parents. This includes the sense of love and belonging you felt, but also the experience and upset of not getting your needs met.
Parental wounding generally falls into two categories: Your parents were either overinvolved, and you felt smothered and controlled.
Or your parents were underinvolved, leaving you feeling abandoned.
Marriage gives you a chance to relive memories and feelings from your childhood, but with a different, happier outcome.
Couples are incompatible in two main ways: how they (1) relate to structure versus freedom, and (2) handle stress and conflict.
The tension of opposites produced by this incompatibility is vital to the work of healing your childhood wounds.
Reactions to stress and conflict fall into two categories: Minimising or Maximising. Minimisers (aka turtles) are anxious, pulling reactions deep inside, containing their energy. When maximisers (aka hailstorms) are anxious, they tend to express themselves loudly to whoever is in hearing range.
Turtles need distance. They want freedom, to spend time alone, lost in their own thoughts. They process their feelings quietly, reflecting carefully before offering input.
Hailstorms, conversely, thrive on contact. Their energy flows outward, and they prefer to process their feelings with others. They are wonderful at caring for family dynamics. Rather than carefully analyse they respond in the moment, and intuitively have great ideas and flashes of insight.
Want your turtle to emerge? Make it safe for them. Appreciate out loud all that they do. They are proud that they offer stability and keep order in the home.
The most important thing for turtles to remember is to communicate gently with their hailstorm.
Conflict is growth trying to happen.
The more comfortable I was with my feelings, the easier it was to be with other people expressing their feelings/experiencing emotions.
Often what we need most from our partner is what they are least capable of giving (which is true of us as well). Sadly, adults can find it hard to learn new skills. Learning something new takes courage.
The idea of "being present" may sound easy to you. It means giving all of your attention to your partner in a caring, open-hearted way - really listening to what you partner thinks and feels. Just because someone is in the same room with you, or even looking right at you, doesn't mean that they are present with you.
The crux and calling of a truly committed partnership: We need to answer the call to become each other's healers. It means that you avoid, at all costs, re-wounding each other - so that you can become true advocates for each other. Only for the strong-willed, this is an art - an honour - a Sacred Duty.
The key to this transformation is safety. By safety, the authors mean two people living in relationship with neither feeling hurt, criticised, or put down by the other.
How? No shame, blame, or criticism in the Between.
Your goal is to make the Between safe. This means loving and empathising with each other through it all. Yes, ALL. Your partner's fun and happy feelings, and their not so fun ones.
We were all wounded in relationship. We can heal only in relationship. This is why we have to answer the call to become each other's healers.
Ask "is there more?" rather than "are you done yet?"
Agreement is not the goal. Everyone makes sense from their own perspective. It's just that everyone is coming from a different perspective. And when you take time to see things from your partner's point of view, you will see that they do make sense.
Mirroring is about establishing contact with your partner. Validating creates connection. And Empathising moves you into communion. This is the act of transforming your relationship into a Sacred Space.
Your partner decides if you're being negative or not. You might say you're only joking. But if it doesn't feel good to your partner you need to cut it out.
Your partner is not you. When you're critical about how your partner acts or reacts, you're really getting upset at them for not being you.
When you feel superior to your partner (whether you believe you're better or you feel they didn't have it as bad as you did) this is a sure sign you are in competition.
Embarassing moment for the authors: when they ceased negative comments, it became very quiet. They didn't know how to speak to each other without being negative.
Ritual of Appreciations (3 things I appreciate about you, daily, no repeats) created a degree of emotional safety that the authors never experienced before. They fell in love again on a deeper, more emotional level.
The simplest way to turn off negativity is to replace judgment with curiousity.
Behind every negative thought is an unmet desire. Negativity is a wish in disguise.
Making a request is an opportunity to tell your partner exactly how they can ease your frustration. The problem is, we're often much better at talking about what we don't want rather than what we do. This makes coming up with three things that would feel good surprisingly difficult to do.
Many of us have been raised with messages like "Do for others", "don't think about yourself" and "don't be selfish", As a result, it can be challenging to ask simply, clearly and kindly for what we want and need. But if we don't learn how to do this, our needs won't get met.
Meeting your request might feel good to your partner: Even though you're asking something of them, you're still giving them a choice. And it can be such a relief to them when they know exactly what to do.
Mirroring is like rubbing the crocodile's (reptile brain's) belly, calming the beast.
Once you realise that their actions and feelings are valid from their point of view, you're in the home stretch. Because this, more than anything else, shows you that you're experiencing your partner as a unique and separate person and not an extension of yourself.
Life isn't our job, or who or what we know or how much stuff we own. These things don't make us happy. It is about who we are at our core - and how healthy our connection is with each other.
At our core is JOY. It is our essential nature, with us from the moment of birth.
If you have struggles in your relationship, it is likely because you:
1. Expect your partner to know what you feel, want and need (without ever telling them)
2. Assume that you know how your partner feels and what they want (without ever asking them)
Assuming your partner can read your mind or attempting to read theirs is as toxic as negativity. The authors term it "relationship jeopardy", and it's fatal to your marriage. Falling into either or both of these traps sucks the joy right out of your relationship.
When you expect, assume, and demand, you make your partner feel like an object. What you're ultimately communicating to your partner is: "You exist to meet MY needs."
Caring Behaviours is the chance for both of you to share what specifically feels more caring to each of you. These are the behaviours you want from your partner, but have kept secret. The behaviours you hoped (or assumed) your partner would guess. The ones you blamed your partner for not doing. (And it's also nice to include the things your partner is already doing that feel caring to you).
Here you have been blaming your partner for not figuring it all out. And all the while it was actually your responsibility to tell them.
I realised instantly that my worries about hurting her feelings were unnecessary. All Helen needed was the awareness of what I really wanted. Not only was she not upset, she was delighted with my honesty. And excited that, armed with this new information, she could hit a home run when it came to caring for me.
Caring Behaviours also helps train your brain. You know what it feels like when you find the absolute perfect gift. You feel on top of the world, right? It's the same with CB. When you give one to your partner you often end up feeling like it was you who received the gift. The reptile brain doesn't know the difference between giving a gift to someone else and self-gifting.
Picking up on a Random Dropping delivers a powerful message. It shows your partner: "I pay attention to you. I listen when you dream out loud. You really matter to me - every moment of every day."
It is the behaviours that push you out of your comfort zone that lead to joy. A great relationship awaits you just beyond the borders of your comfort zone.
To quote: "We believe that we discover who we are in relationship, not in isolation. We are born in relationship. We are wounded in relationship. And we are healed in relationship. We cannot know or become who we are except in relationship. Essentially, we are our relationships. And the most powerful relationship for self-discovery and transformation is our primary love relationship. It is within this context that you can actually rewire your brain, shifting how you think and feel.
The role of those choosing to commit to a life partner is that of friend, supporter, advocate, and healer. It is about growing oneself to take on the welfare of the other."
___
Building a new way of relating to each other is a lot like developing muscles. It takes intention and daily work.
When you say to your new partner "I feel like I've known you forever", in a way you have. This new person has some very strong similarities to your childhood caregivers.
This manifests in you feeling the same feelings you had as a child when you were with your parents. This includes the sense of love and belonging you felt, but also the experience and upset of not getting your needs met.
Parental wounding generally falls into two categories: Your parents were either overinvolved, and you felt smothered and controlled.
Or your parents were underinvolved, leaving you feeling abandoned.
Marriage gives you a chance to relive memories and feelings from your childhood, but with a different, happier outcome.
Couples are incompatible in two main ways: how they (1) relate to structure versus freedom, and (2) handle stress and conflict.
The tension of opposites produced by this incompatibility is vital to the work of healing your childhood wounds.
Reactions to stress and conflict fall into two categories: Minimising or Maximising. Minimisers (aka turtles) are anxious, pulling reactions deep inside, containing their energy. When maximisers (aka hailstorms) are anxious, they tend to express themselves loudly to whoever is in hearing range.
Turtles need distance. They want freedom, to spend time alone, lost in their own thoughts. They process their feelings quietly, reflecting carefully before offering input.
Hailstorms, conversely, thrive on contact. Their energy flows outward, and they prefer to process their feelings with others. They are wonderful at caring for family dynamics. Rather than carefully analyse they respond in the moment, and intuitively have great ideas and flashes of insight.
Want your turtle to emerge? Make it safe for them. Appreciate out loud all that they do. They are proud that they offer stability and keep order in the home.
The most important thing for turtles to remember is to communicate gently with their hailstorm.
Conflict is growth trying to happen.
The more comfortable I was with my feelings, the easier it was to be with other people expressing their feelings/experiencing emotions.
Often what we need most from our partner is what they are least capable of giving (which is true of us as well). Sadly, adults can find it hard to learn new skills. Learning something new takes courage.
The idea of "being present" may sound easy to you. It means giving all of your attention to your partner in a caring, open-hearted way - really listening to what you partner thinks and feels. Just because someone is in the same room with you, or even looking right at you, doesn't mean that they are present with you.
The crux and calling of a truly committed partnership: We need to answer the call to become each other's healers. It means that you avoid, at all costs, re-wounding each other - so that you can become true advocates for each other. Only for the strong-willed, this is an art - an honour - a Sacred Duty.
The key to this transformation is safety. By safety, the authors mean two people living in relationship with neither feeling hurt, criticised, or put down by the other.
How? No shame, blame, or criticism in the Between.
Your goal is to make the Between safe. This means loving and empathising with each other through it all. Yes, ALL. Your partner's fun and happy feelings, and their not so fun ones.
We were all wounded in relationship. We can heal only in relationship. This is why we have to answer the call to become each other's healers.
Ask "is there more?" rather than "are you done yet?"
Agreement is not the goal. Everyone makes sense from their own perspective. It's just that everyone is coming from a different perspective. And when you take time to see things from your partner's point of view, you will see that they do make sense.
Mirroring is about establishing contact with your partner. Validating creates connection. And Empathising moves you into communion. This is the act of transforming your relationship into a Sacred Space.
Your partner decides if you're being negative or not. You might say you're only joking. But if it doesn't feel good to your partner you need to cut it out.
Your partner is not you. When you're critical about how your partner acts or reacts, you're really getting upset at them for not being you.
When you feel superior to your partner (whether you believe you're better or you feel they didn't have it as bad as you did) this is a sure sign you are in competition.
Embarassing moment for the authors: when they ceased negative comments, it became very quiet. They didn't know how to speak to each other without being negative.
Ritual of Appreciations (3 things I appreciate about you, daily, no repeats) created a degree of emotional safety that the authors never experienced before. They fell in love again on a deeper, more emotional level.
The simplest way to turn off negativity is to replace judgment with curiousity.
Behind every negative thought is an unmet desire. Negativity is a wish in disguise.
Making a request is an opportunity to tell your partner exactly how they can ease your frustration. The problem is, we're often much better at talking about what we don't want rather than what we do. This makes coming up with three things that would feel good surprisingly difficult to do.
Many of us have been raised with messages like "Do for others", "don't think about yourself" and "don't be selfish", As a result, it can be challenging to ask simply, clearly and kindly for what we want and need. But if we don't learn how to do this, our needs won't get met.
Meeting your request might feel good to your partner: Even though you're asking something of them, you're still giving them a choice. And it can be such a relief to them when they know exactly what to do.
Mirroring is like rubbing the crocodile's (reptile brain's) belly, calming the beast.
Once you realise that their actions and feelings are valid from their point of view, you're in the home stretch. Because this, more than anything else, shows you that you're experiencing your partner as a unique and separate person and not an extension of yourself.
Life isn't our job, or who or what we know or how much stuff we own. These things don't make us happy. It is about who we are at our core - and how healthy our connection is with each other.
At our core is JOY. It is our essential nature, with us from the moment of birth.
If you have struggles in your relationship, it is likely because you:
1. Expect your partner to know what you feel, want and need (without ever telling them)
2. Assume that you know how your partner feels and what they want (without ever asking them)
Assuming your partner can read your mind or attempting to read theirs is as toxic as negativity. The authors term it "relationship jeopardy", and it's fatal to your marriage. Falling into either or both of these traps sucks the joy right out of your relationship.
When you expect, assume, and demand, you make your partner feel like an object. What you're ultimately communicating to your partner is: "You exist to meet MY needs."
Caring Behaviours is the chance for both of you to share what specifically feels more caring to each of you. These are the behaviours you want from your partner, but have kept secret. The behaviours you hoped (or assumed) your partner would guess. The ones you blamed your partner for not doing. (And it's also nice to include the things your partner is already doing that feel caring to you).
Here you have been blaming your partner for not figuring it all out. And all the while it was actually your responsibility to tell them.
I realised instantly that my worries about hurting her feelings were unnecessary. All Helen needed was the awareness of what I really wanted. Not only was she not upset, she was delighted with my honesty. And excited that, armed with this new information, she could hit a home run when it came to caring for me.
Caring Behaviours also helps train your brain. You know what it feels like when you find the absolute perfect gift. You feel on top of the world, right? It's the same with CB. When you give one to your partner you often end up feeling like it was you who received the gift. The reptile brain doesn't know the difference between giving a gift to someone else and self-gifting.
Picking up on a Random Dropping delivers a powerful message. It shows your partner: "I pay attention to you. I listen when you dream out loud. You really matter to me - every moment of every day."
It is the behaviours that push you out of your comfort zone that lead to joy. A great relationship awaits you just beyond the borders of your comfort zone.
March 10, 2013
I decided to review this book not because I have a bad marriage, but because hubby and I do have some annoying ongoing arguments that I really wanted to nip in the bud and rectify in a nice way if possible. Therefore, I hoped that I might be able to pick up some good pointers from this book to do just that.
Making Marriage Simple is arranged in short, to the point chapters that each describe a certain aspect or 'truth' of marriage that it recommends you think about and work on. After reading through each chapter there are specific exercises that you are then supposed to do as a couple to highlight and discuss certain factors that you can either work on together or that you can take note of and hopefully understand your partner a bit better.
I found that this book was very easy to read and didn't bog me down in too many details which I liked. There was also an underlying humour throughout the book which made it more enjoyable than a book that feels like a life lecture.
Working through some of the exercises really made us focus on each other more and also made a few issues that were underlying in our relationship be dealt with in a calm and positive manner.
I definitely recommend this book as a good way to overcome any issues in a marriage before they become past the point of no return. It's a lighthearted read that both husbands and wives could benefit from whether you are having problems in your marriage or not.
Making Marriage Simple is arranged in short, to the point chapters that each describe a certain aspect or 'truth' of marriage that it recommends you think about and work on. After reading through each chapter there are specific exercises that you are then supposed to do as a couple to highlight and discuss certain factors that you can either work on together or that you can take note of and hopefully understand your partner a bit better.
I found that this book was very easy to read and didn't bog me down in too many details which I liked. There was also an underlying humour throughout the book which made it more enjoyable than a book that feels like a life lecture.
Working through some of the exercises really made us focus on each other more and also made a few issues that were underlying in our relationship be dealt with in a calm and positive manner.
I definitely recommend this book as a good way to overcome any issues in a marriage before they become past the point of no return. It's a lighthearted read that both husbands and wives could benefit from whether you are having problems in your marriage or not.
August 13, 2017
Simple enough. This review is a short synopsis. It will sum up the book, but may not make total sense unless you read it.
10 truths include:
1. Romantic love is a trick.
2. Incompatibility is the grounds for marriage (because it gives you something to work on).
3. Conflict is growth trying to happen.
4. Being present for each other heals the past.
5. It's not what you say, but how you say it (mirror what's been said just as it was said, then ask if you "got it" and lastly "is there more?" to get them to feel safe)
6. Negativity is invisible abuse.
7. Negativity is a wish in disguise ("behind every negative thought is an unmet desire"), use I statements with few words.
8. Your brain has a mind of its own.
9. your marriage is a laughing matter (be lighthearted, and laugh).
10. Your marriage is the best life insurance plan (do not flood spouse with rambling words).
10 truths include:
1. Romantic love is a trick.
2. Incompatibility is the grounds for marriage (because it gives you something to work on).
3. Conflict is growth trying to happen.
4. Being present for each other heals the past.
5. It's not what you say, but how you say it (mirror what's been said just as it was said, then ask if you "got it" and lastly "is there more?" to get them to feel safe)
6. Negativity is invisible abuse.
7. Negativity is a wish in disguise ("behind every negative thought is an unmet desire"), use I statements with few words.
8. Your brain has a mind of its own.
9. your marriage is a laughing matter (be lighthearted, and laugh).
10. Your marriage is the best life insurance plan (do not flood spouse with rambling words).
November 19, 2017
I read this when my relationship wasn't going so well and reading this book touched my heart. The illustrations pithily summarize the main points. Anyone will be able to identify with either the "hailstorm" or the "turtle". The freedom vs structure dichotomy also holds true. The metaphysics of love dictate that we are looking for wholeness again, not able to find it in our finite, limited selves. That is why love requires a softening and and openness of everything about ourselves: so that we're able to "stretch" and to grow into new ways of understanding and being.
That is the big picture, but there's lots of good little picture stuff here too: handling the inevitability of negativity and criticism. The author's propose something called the Imago dialogue that, while awkward at first, offers really good structure. They also emphasize the importance of using this type of approach for handling negative feelings vs Gottmann who I always felt sort of just implicitly suggested to watch out for it or else. The biggest thing I came away with at this time was that my relationship with my partner is a Sacred Space. How we say things makes a big difference, and honoring the good things between you and your partner w/in a Sacred Space means we can keep this in mind all the time.
Didn't do the exercises yet.
That is the big picture, but there's lots of good little picture stuff here too: handling the inevitability of negativity and criticism. The author's propose something called the Imago dialogue that, while awkward at first, offers really good structure. They also emphasize the importance of using this type of approach for handling negative feelings vs Gottmann who I always felt sort of just implicitly suggested to watch out for it or else. The biggest thing I came away with at this time was that my relationship with my partner is a Sacred Space. How we say things makes a big difference, and honoring the good things between you and your partner w/in a Sacred Space means we can keep this in mind all the time.
Didn't do the exercises yet.
January 27, 2018
My fiance and I were given this book as a gift from my future mother-in-law. The authors of this book offer sound advice and wisdom for working through common challenges in longer-term romantic relationships (marriage or otherwise). I've yet to try the exercises paired with each chapter or "truth," but believe that the majority of the exercises have merit. I would have liked to see more accounts from relationships other than the authors. Most of the anecdotal evidence of the exercises creating positive change came from the authors' own experience. As such, it didn't feel universally relatable given that they are both marriage therapists and the creators of the book and the exercises. While there were some examples from other couples, I felt more variety would have increased their credibility. Overall, quick, helpful and easy to apply. Despite the lack of variability in case studies, I'd still recommend this book to couples approaching marriage or in long-term relationships for a practical, long-term approach to maintaining a healthy relationship.
May 5, 2017
Audiobook.
It's on the simple side, and there wasn't much to it other than the reminder that active listening solves a lot of communication problems. The suggestions they make don't help if you're already at the contempt/stonewalling stages.
I found the ideas too simplistic, especially the Turtle and Hailstorm metaphor.
I was rolling my eyes at the final section of the book where there was a call to spread the power of healing marriages by giving a copy of the book to all of your friends and family.
It's on the simple side, and there wasn't much to it other than the reminder that active listening solves a lot of communication problems. The suggestions they make don't help if you're already at the contempt/stonewalling stages.
I found the ideas too simplistic, especially the Turtle and Hailstorm metaphor.
I was rolling my eyes at the final section of the book where there was a call to spread the power of healing marriages by giving a copy of the book to all of your friends and family.
August 5, 2015
As self-help books go, this is a guide with a few good tips, but overall has a bit too much "pop" psychology in my opinion.
There is too much reference to Freudian principles, and the exercises are quite simplistic. Some basic ideas are shared regarding communication, but these can be found in almost any relationship book, and don't make this book worthwhile on its own.
Better books are available on the subject of relationships and communication, this one falls short.
There is too much reference to Freudian principles, and the exercises are quite simplistic. Some basic ideas are shared regarding communication, but these can be found in almost any relationship book, and don't make this book worthwhile on its own.
Better books are available on the subject of relationships and communication, this one falls short.
June 28, 2014
The second star is for the bits about how they repaired their marriage, which I found interesting. The advice itself was eh. Some was basic good communication reminders. The rest, I felt, was over-generalized to the point of being eye rolling and the wrap-up I actually found a bit insulting. I'm sure this would be a helpful book for some couples, but I am not their target audience.
January 10, 2021
I was looking for a different kind of book, but I mean there were some things I could gather and use from the book, so I finished. But overall I found it repetitive and boring.
July 25, 2018
Maria, Central patron, July 2018, 5 stars:
Practical, humorous, accessible, and experience-based, this is a worthwhile read for any stage of marriage!
Practical, humorous, accessible, and experience-based, this is a worthwhile read for any stage of marriage!
June 18, 2025
It does. And it will. You don't want to miss this book if you are in a long-term committed relationship that you want to thrive in.
April 11, 2019
This book was a nicely simplified approach to not just enduring but thriving in a relationship. It explores the initial bliss of chemistry, the components of attraction, the deterioration of bonds, and ultimately solutions to keep ties strong for the duration. I strongly feel that this book is not limited to marriage, but also has applications in friendship, dating, and family relationships as well.
June 7, 2018
Not anything terrible but not really anything impressive either. I don't feel like there was anything different about this book. A bunch of generic recommendations. Some of the "truths" seemed way too overgeneralized. They made the truths seem to apply to most couples when I don't see that being the case. There are far better book to read about Marriage.
Read
September 24, 2018Really good insight as to how people communicate as well as how people don't communicate or have been taught to communicate. Doing the steps in the book can only increase connection and a better way of hearing and responding with-in your relationship. It takes practice and repetition but the pay offs are worth it.
May 1, 2014
This book shares excellent, thought-provoking advice about maintaining or improving committed romantic relationships. My partner and I both read this book and found it helpful in strengthening our relationship.
February 23, 2023
This book came well recommended to me as a newly married individual. In it, a husband and wife break down “10 tips/truths” that are supposed to enrich your relationships and life.
Some of these tips I found to be very insightful new ways at looking at all relationships (not just marriage). And while I’m only giving it 3 stars, I would happily recommend this book to friends (single or coupled up). It helped me to see ways that I communicate my wants/needs with others, how I respond in situations that could contribute to conflict, and how childhood affects adulthood.
Other tips were just extremely corny or overly rife with metaphors. Are you a turtle or a hailstorm? Are you reacting as a crocodile or an owl? Im unclear what patronus would be preferred after this text… In tip # 9 “Your Marriage is a Laughing Matter” the author suggests “jump start belly laughing… in this exercise you face each other, open your mouth, and say “hah hah hah” while jumping up and down.” I literally cannot imagine anything worse.
Overall, roughly 50% of this book is good, helpful, and insightful.
Some of these tips I found to be very insightful new ways at looking at all relationships (not just marriage). And while I’m only giving it 3 stars, I would happily recommend this book to friends (single or coupled up). It helped me to see ways that I communicate my wants/needs with others, how I respond in situations that could contribute to conflict, and how childhood affects adulthood.
Other tips were just extremely corny or overly rife with metaphors. Are you a turtle or a hailstorm? Are you reacting as a crocodile or an owl? Im unclear what patronus would be preferred after this text… In tip # 9 “Your Marriage is a Laughing Matter” the author suggests “jump start belly laughing… in this exercise you face each other, open your mouth, and say “hah hah hah” while jumping up and down.” I literally cannot imagine anything worse.
Overall, roughly 50% of this book is good, helpful, and insightful.
August 30, 2021
I have trouble with main concept/idea that the purpose of marriage is to heal childhood wounds—-and I don’t believe that we all suffer from childhood wounds!!! What?!
I did find some of the exercises and ideas helpful - like eliminating negativity. That feels good!
It is hard to put any if the ideas or exercises into action if one one person in marriage participates—even though intro to book says it is possible to use the book with just one person—-not explained.
Some things were too weird/goofy-the IMAGO dialogue was ridiculous to me—real people don’t talk or communicate that way.
The book tells you a lot if what you already know or can guess but puts cute labels in things like Turtle and Hailstorm.
I skimmed 2nd half of book-took notes on the 10 rules-then returned to library.
I want to read more of their book on IMAGO relationship theory for clinicians…that was interesting but too dry to just read straight theu.
I did find some of the exercises and ideas helpful - like eliminating negativity. That feels good!
It is hard to put any if the ideas or exercises into action if one one person in marriage participates—even though intro to book says it is possible to use the book with just one person—-not explained.
Some things were too weird/goofy-the IMAGO dialogue was ridiculous to me—real people don’t talk or communicate that way.
The book tells you a lot if what you already know or can guess but puts cute labels in things like Turtle and Hailstorm.
I skimmed 2nd half of book-took notes on the 10 rules-then returned to library.
I want to read more of their book on IMAGO relationship theory for clinicians…that was interesting but too dry to just read straight theu.
January 29, 2023
Hea ja värskendav lugemine igale suhtes paarile - soovitan veel lugeda nõnda, et esmalt loed ise ja siis annad partnerile.
Läheb võrdlemisi kiirelt ning paljudel kordadel tunned end raamatust kindlasti ära.
Selle raamatu lugemiseks ei pea su suhtes probleeme olema, pigem aitab see üleüldiselt ka ennatlik olla ning paljud peatükid avavad uut perspektiivi, miks me ühes või teises olukorras nõnda käitume v miks meie partner nõnda reageerib.
Lugesin enne seda raamatut sama autori “Teekond soovitud armastuseni”, mis oli pisut raskem ja läks teemadega süvitsi - seega too konkreetne teos on kindlasti hea ja kokkuvõtlik jätk ning kergem lugemine ka neile, kes suhtlemispsühholoogia raamatuid nii lihtsalt kätte ei soovi võtta.
Soovitan!
Läheb võrdlemisi kiirelt ning paljudel kordadel tunned end raamatust kindlasti ära.
Selle raamatu lugemiseks ei pea su suhtes probleeme olema, pigem aitab see üleüldiselt ka ennatlik olla ning paljud peatükid avavad uut perspektiivi, miks me ühes või teises olukorras nõnda käitume v miks meie partner nõnda reageerib.
Lugesin enne seda raamatut sama autori “Teekond soovitud armastuseni”, mis oli pisut raskem ja läks teemadega süvitsi - seega too konkreetne teos on kindlasti hea ja kokkuvõtlik jätk ning kergem lugemine ka neile, kes suhtlemispsühholoogia raamatuid nii lihtsalt kätte ei soovi võtta.
Soovitan!
April 19, 2020
Quick read packed with useful information!
It’s not a tough read and the information in it are useful. It’s less than 200 pages, so it’s not time consuming to the point of feeling like you’re reading a college dissertation. It’s written in accessible prose even though a lot of the advice and exercises are based on psychological processes that college professors would spend a full semester on teaching. There may be more in-depth analysis and explanations out there for relationship psychology but the information in this book serves just fine for the regular person who just wants the gist of things and have a possible solution to their relationship troubles.
It’s not a tough read and the information in it are useful. It’s less than 200 pages, so it’s not time consuming to the point of feeling like you’re reading a college dissertation. It’s written in accessible prose even though a lot of the advice and exercises are based on psychological processes that college professors would spend a full semester on teaching. There may be more in-depth analysis and explanations out there for relationship psychology but the information in this book serves just fine for the regular person who just wants the gist of things and have a possible solution to their relationship troubles.
September 14, 2021
At a practical level, this book is helpful. It makes the point that relationships take work and we should make an effort to make our own needs clear, to appreciate and to be kind.
The problem is that this is all dressed up in over-intellectualised frameworks for frameworks sake. Hailstorms, Sacred Duty, sometimes just Duty, Turtles, Between Space. So it reads a bit like a high school essay, complete with excited and unsubstantiated references to authority that aren’t meaningfully backed up by evidence.
Don’t get me wrong: the book has good advice. It’s just buried in so much hog wash that it’s a lot of effort to get it out.
The problem is that this is all dressed up in over-intellectualised frameworks for frameworks sake. Hailstorms, Sacred Duty, sometimes just Duty, Turtles, Between Space. So it reads a bit like a high school essay, complete with excited and unsubstantiated references to authority that aren’t meaningfully backed up by evidence.
Don’t get me wrong: the book has good advice. It’s just buried in so much hog wash that it’s a lot of effort to get it out.
March 10, 2025
3.5/5 - I use Hendrix and Hunt’s Imago Therapy philosophy maybe more than any other in the work I do with couples. They’ve written a number of books on the topic but I was excited for a straightforward approach that tied their ideas together to point clients to. This book provided easy-to-read explanations as well as practical exercises for people. I’d recommend it to anyone partnered (in marriage or not). Docked stars because, although they acknowledged this work isn’t easy, I had hoped they would give more direction or hope to those who have partners unwilling to do the work or in high conflict relationships.
June 6, 2017
My father gave us me and my fiancée a copy of this to be prepared for the life we about to begin , we not married yet , so it tells you situations that you will face and how to act on it in a wise way , what I liked the most is the part about how to deal with negativity and how bad it is for your relationship
April 1, 2018
This is one of the best relationship books I've read in a long time. Completely new take on the role of marriage. The book is based on the premise that marriage is designed to help each person heal childhood wounds. I'm on the fence about whether or not I believe this premise, however the rest of the boom is solid and the exercises can really change the dynamic of your relationship in a big way.
October 8, 2019
3.5 hrs. I listened to it to see how my relationship w Tom coincides w their ideas. And it did.
They have spent their careers helping couples through research, workshops, and counseling. Their advice is practical and nothing new to me but it wasn't a waste of time (and also, I multi-tasked).
They have spent their careers helping couples through research, workshops, and counseling. Their advice is practical and nothing new to me but it wasn't a waste of time (and also, I multi-tasked).
January 25, 2023
Pro: this audiobook was only 3 hours. Con: it was pretty boring. Maybe most of that is because I'm burned out on marriage books. When I get interested in a topic I tend to deep dive into it and towards the end, I'm less enthusiastic about what I read because it feels repetitive. Really, the book is probably fine. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood.
August 12, 2018
It has some nice ideas. It can show a couple a different perspective on how to handle their differences. But it requires a high ability of understanding and observing your day to day actions. It can be a good start to tackle a disfunctional marriage.
December 7, 2019
Great book
I have a pretty solid marriage but I’m always interested in learning more and learning how to better myself. I loved this book - it’s simple but understandable. The advice is good and I can’t wait to put it in practice. Thank you for sharing!
I have a pretty solid marriage but I’m always interested in learning more and learning how to better myself. I loved this book - it’s simple but understandable. The advice is good and I can’t wait to put it in practice. Thank you for sharing!
February 14, 2020
I enjoyed this easy-read guide to improving your marriage. Many of the exercises seem far fetched, yet when I practiced (which was definitely awkward at first) I found it was very well received. Designed as more of a guide with exercises.
July 16, 2020
This book does a great job condensing hefty psychological principles into practical things you can do to strengthen a relationship. It only takes a couple hours to read and the advice and knowledge is super valuable even if you don't work through the practices.
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