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Hiding from Myself
"Unforgettable. This book will stay with me the rest of my life. ...I wish this book could be distributed to every church and made required reading." Amazon Reviewer Andreams
Can a gay person change--with the help of Hugh Hefner and Jesus Christ?
Few social issues ignite such passion from all sides. For those who see homosexuality as immoral and a sin, the notion of "gay marriage" is intolerable. For those who are gay, being demonized and shamed is simply intolerant. Bryan Christopher's life has been spent straddling this great divide.
As a boy raised under the blinding Friday Night Lights of the Bible belt of Texas--from the playground to the pulpit--one message was clear: "queers" deserved to be smeared. And at the dawn of puberty, Bryan knew he was in trouble: he was staring limply at the pages of his dad's Playboy. That's when the hiding began. And in his neck of the woods, it left him with one option: change!
"Hiding from Myself: A Memoir" chronicles the author's zealous crusade: from ringing doorbells for Jesus in the Castro of San Francisco to sorting through Hugh Hefner's dirty laundry as a butler at the Playboy Mansion; from the beer-soaked trenches of his UCLA fraternity house to wholehearted immersion into "ex-gay" conversion therapy.
With this raw and moving testimony, the author offers healing and a fresh perspective on perhaps the most divisive cultural issue of our time. Bryan's story is not a "gay" story or even an "ex-gay" story; his is a human story--a testament to the innate universal need for love.
And the things that can sometimes get in the way...
Can a gay person change--with the help of Hugh Hefner and Jesus Christ?
Few social issues ignite such passion from all sides. For those who see homosexuality as immoral and a sin, the notion of "gay marriage" is intolerable. For those who are gay, being demonized and shamed is simply intolerant. Bryan Christopher's life has been spent straddling this great divide.
As a boy raised under the blinding Friday Night Lights of the Bible belt of Texas--from the playground to the pulpit--one message was clear: "queers" deserved to be smeared. And at the dawn of puberty, Bryan knew he was in trouble: he was staring limply at the pages of his dad's Playboy. That's when the hiding began. And in his neck of the woods, it left him with one option: change!
"Hiding from Myself: A Memoir" chronicles the author's zealous crusade: from ringing doorbells for Jesus in the Castro of San Francisco to sorting through Hugh Hefner's dirty laundry as a butler at the Playboy Mansion; from the beer-soaked trenches of his UCLA fraternity house to wholehearted immersion into "ex-gay" conversion therapy.
With this raw and moving testimony, the author offers healing and a fresh perspective on perhaps the most divisive cultural issue of our time. Bryan's story is not a "gay" story or even an "ex-gay" story; his is a human story--a testament to the innate universal need for love.
And the things that can sometimes get in the way...
317 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 26, 2014
46 people are currently reading
138 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews
December 10, 2014
Being raised Southern Baptist and going through a lot of the same issues that Bryan did regarding accepting being gay and the self hatred and isolation that goes along with it, I related to pretty much everything he went through. I hope that not just gay people read this book. People who are straight need to read this so they can, hopefully, grasp at least some of the pain and horror caused when religion tells gay people that God does not love them for who they are . People who are straight and have family and friends who are gay (which is just about everyone, whether they realize it or not) definitely need to read this book so they can better understand and love their loved ones without judgement.
July 22, 2013
I thought this book was incredible. As an Independent and not religious person, I struggled at times with the fundamental Christian environment and beliefs that he was surrounded by for years and years. It was so hard to read about how much he hated himself for something he could not change. I strongly suggest reading and absorbing this book and it's message. I started reading it the first night and just couldn't put it down until my Kindle battery finally died! I finished it the next day with tears in my eyes. I was so moved by it that I have recommended it to all of my friends. I am so proud of him and I wish him all the love and happiness he can possibly have. With how far the world has come with equality, this type if story should not be repeating in society, yet it's an everyday occurance still. Our purpose on earth is not to judge others. Never have I ever seen someones sexual preference change someone else's life in a way that harms anyone negatively. The statements made to him throughout the book against "gays" broke my heart. Everyone deserves to feel the amazing power of LOVE! I commend Bryan for sharing with the world his journey through a time of self discovery and I hope it gets spread far and wide and reaches the people who need it the most. You are a brave, funny, smart and wonderful man and I thank you for letting me and the rest of the world see how life really is out there.
February 24, 2015
I'm writing my review in the context of having spent years as a Christian pastor. Bryan sent me his book a couple of years ago to read as he knew I reviewed a lot of books. He memoir captivated me and I've read it through twice now. Bryan's story covers a decade of his life fully committed to purge himself of his apparent sexual orientation. He even manages to get a job at the Playboy Mansion, working his ways into the holy of holies – Hugh’s bedroom. “I am in Hugh Hefner’s closet, drowning in a sea of silk pajamas.” And I wonder what Bryan’s next sentence, his reality, will mean to the mainstream, Christian mindset at all: “My objective at the Playboy Mansion: to be tempted and to stumble would be a miracle.”
When your religion pushes you to the place where you think that humping like a bunny, with a Bunny would be a God-given miracle, well, then you know that your religion has led you astray. So then what? Bryan presses forward with the hope of a 180° turn, now with the help of a professional counselor, but has to admit, “Psychology would point to my theology as the root of my pathology.”
In the words of Bryan’s Jewish counselor, “You are a case study of what happens when we cut ourselves off from feeling our true feelings. As I’ve said many times before, the judgement of your innate impulse and the way you punish yourself for not being able to live up to the expectations of your family, friends, and church are leaving scars. And until you learn to accept yourself, and all the parts, without this awful judgment you attach, you will continue to suffer and self destruct…”
Seriously, how screwed up is it that we religious leaders, in our well-intentioned efforts to ‘help’ someone, have actually been leading them to where they are self-destructing? In Bryan’s life it led him to the point of suicide. His quote is one that I’ve heard from several people and read in too many news headlines: “[I have a] head full of questions all pointing to a fundamental truth: I’d rather die than be gay.”
In Hiding From Myself, Bryan shares a decade of his life, starting in college, feverishly jumping through all the straight hoops available to him. It is impossible, for me, not to see myself in this story. I could have been his best friend, college roommate, accountability prayer partner, Promise Keeper buddy, professional counselor, personal pastor, or his co-worker. I am left to wonder where he would have written about me and what difference I would have made.
Here is why I would like all my friends, especially my Christian ones to read “Hiding From Myself.” Bryan doesn’t attempt to fix anyone’s theology. He doesn’t come across as angry and he doesn’t have an axe to grind. He simply paints a very real picture of what life was like for him struggling with his sexual identity in the context of his Christian world and worldview. His experience and his perspective is valid and important. And for those of us who are heterosexual and followers of Jesus we’ve been tasked to love – which means authentic empathy – which may mean that sometimes we need to shut our mouths, still our hearts, and really listen.
For those of my friends who don’t have a religious background, reading Bryan’s book will help you understand what it is like for a kid who fears they are gay to grow up in the typical, Christian experience of the past couple of decades. It may help you have more compassion for their journey.
Bryan has offered a personal story that encompasses what life looks like from inside the Christian world when you fear that you are gay. He is honest, real, and raw (as well as a damn good writer). He has captivated me both times I have read his story and I am a better man, and a better Christian, having read his memoir.
Finally, Bryan’s testimony begs an audience of those of us who have made sexuality one of our political and religious platforms. We have many Christian brothers and sisters who identify in the LGBT realities. If we aren’t loving enough to really get intimate with their stories than it is we who are hiding from ourselves.
When your religion pushes you to the place where you think that humping like a bunny, with a Bunny would be a God-given miracle, well, then you know that your religion has led you astray. So then what? Bryan presses forward with the hope of a 180° turn, now with the help of a professional counselor, but has to admit, “Psychology would point to my theology as the root of my pathology.”
In the words of Bryan’s Jewish counselor, “You are a case study of what happens when we cut ourselves off from feeling our true feelings. As I’ve said many times before, the judgement of your innate impulse and the way you punish yourself for not being able to live up to the expectations of your family, friends, and church are leaving scars. And until you learn to accept yourself, and all the parts, without this awful judgment you attach, you will continue to suffer and self destruct…”
Seriously, how screwed up is it that we religious leaders, in our well-intentioned efforts to ‘help’ someone, have actually been leading them to where they are self-destructing? In Bryan’s life it led him to the point of suicide. His quote is one that I’ve heard from several people and read in too many news headlines: “[I have a] head full of questions all pointing to a fundamental truth: I’d rather die than be gay.”
In Hiding From Myself, Bryan shares a decade of his life, starting in college, feverishly jumping through all the straight hoops available to him. It is impossible, for me, not to see myself in this story. I could have been his best friend, college roommate, accountability prayer partner, Promise Keeper buddy, professional counselor, personal pastor, or his co-worker. I am left to wonder where he would have written about me and what difference I would have made.
Here is why I would like all my friends, especially my Christian ones to read “Hiding From Myself.” Bryan doesn’t attempt to fix anyone’s theology. He doesn’t come across as angry and he doesn’t have an axe to grind. He simply paints a very real picture of what life was like for him struggling with his sexual identity in the context of his Christian world and worldview. His experience and his perspective is valid and important. And for those of us who are heterosexual and followers of Jesus we’ve been tasked to love – which means authentic empathy – which may mean that sometimes we need to shut our mouths, still our hearts, and really listen.
For those of my friends who don’t have a religious background, reading Bryan’s book will help you understand what it is like for a kid who fears they are gay to grow up in the typical, Christian experience of the past couple of decades. It may help you have more compassion for their journey.
Bryan has offered a personal story that encompasses what life looks like from inside the Christian world when you fear that you are gay. He is honest, real, and raw (as well as a damn good writer). He has captivated me both times I have read his story and I am a better man, and a better Christian, having read his memoir.
Finally, Bryan’s testimony begs an audience of those of us who have made sexuality one of our political and religious platforms. We have many Christian brothers and sisters who identify in the LGBT realities. If we aren’t loving enough to really get intimate with their stories than it is we who are hiding from ourselves.
May 18, 2016
Bryan Christopher grew up in an extremely conservative, evangelical Christian family. He devoted his entire life to his God and his church. He even had a special knack for converting people. He was outgoing, popular, and personable--genuinely adored by his friends and family. From the outside, he looked like any another care-free frat boy, boozing it up at parties, hanging out with friends, and enjoying the sweet life with the ladies. No one in his life would have guessed that he was actually tormented on the inside as he struggled to come to terms with one simple, scary, and unacceptable fact: he was gay. In Hiding from Myself, Christopher shares what it was like for him to hide, deny, attempt to change, and then finally accept his sexual orientation.
I grew up in the exact same type of environment as the author. Church was a big deal in my family. Regular Sunday services, youth group during the week, evangelism at night, even international outreach--all of us were expected to participate. Church was our life. We never had conversations that didn't mention Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
I don't consider myself religious anymore--at least not by my childhood standards--but all the Jesus talk and churchy cliches that Christopher uses in this book are things I've heard a million times over. And when he talks about the deep fear and self-loathing he felt for being gay, well, I understand where he's coming from. I've witnessed the anti-gay doublespeak: "Oh, we love you like Jesus loves you. HOWEVER, your thoughts and feelings are impure, grotesque, unnatural, and disgusting. You need to repent and change, because God doesn't like fags. Love you, brother!" The judgment and hatred is awful--even scary--and I empathized with Christopher throughout this book. It was sad to see him hate himself so much. No one should have to feel that.
Overall, I really enjoyed this book. My only minor criticism is that it could have been cut down a bit more. Though Christopher does a good job of keeping the writing balanced and light--even when describing dark moments--I didn't need so much play-by-play. It was incredibly frustrating to see him find love and acceptance with a man, only to dump him and return to his quest to anti-gay himself...and then repeat the process again and again. I know Christopher is sharing his legitimate journey, but he could have gotten his point across with less detail. It would have helped move the story along.
Still, what an amazing memoir. I truly wish Christopher the best in all things. If anyone deserves to (finally) be happy, it's him. Good luck to you, Bryan!
ARC provided by author. See more of my reviews at www.BugBugBooks.com.
I grew up in the exact same type of environment as the author. Church was a big deal in my family. Regular Sunday services, youth group during the week, evangelism at night, even international outreach--all of us were expected to participate. Church was our life. We never had conversations that didn't mention Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
I don't consider myself religious anymore--at least not by my childhood standards--but all the Jesus talk and churchy cliches that Christopher uses in this book are things I've heard a million times over. And when he talks about the deep fear and self-loathing he felt for being gay, well, I understand where he's coming from. I've witnessed the anti-gay doublespeak: "Oh, we love you like Jesus loves you. HOWEVER, your thoughts and feelings are impure, grotesque, unnatural, and disgusting. You need to repent and change, because God doesn't like fags. Love you, brother!" The judgment and hatred is awful--even scary--and I empathized with Christopher throughout this book. It was sad to see him hate himself so much. No one should have to feel that.
Overall, I really enjoyed this book. My only minor criticism is that it could have been cut down a bit more. Though Christopher does a good job of keeping the writing balanced and light--even when describing dark moments--I didn't need so much play-by-play. It was incredibly frustrating to see him find love and acceptance with a man, only to dump him and return to his quest to anti-gay himself...and then repeat the process again and again. I know Christopher is sharing his legitimate journey, but he could have gotten his point across with less detail. It would have helped move the story along.
Still, what an amazing memoir. I truly wish Christopher the best in all things. If anyone deserves to (finally) be happy, it's him. Good luck to you, Bryan!
ARC provided by author. See more of my reviews at www.BugBugBooks.com.
April 21, 2015
Raced through this book. I was gripped at the beginning, but it got less interesting towards the end, not a fault of the author so much as (paradoxically) the person who the book was about! Although I started out with full on empathy for his situation (I was brought up in a fundamentalist Christian family and had a difficult coming out experience with my parents) I eventually got a bit annoyed with how long it was taking him to make up his mind to ditch the attempts to degay - which of course, given the title, the reader knows is where the book is going. It took me three weeks at 19 to give the thing up wholesale once I left home for university, whereas this guy is still going at it at 30, and to be honest after a while I started to get pretty frustrated on behalf of the guys who fell in love with Christopher only to be spurned because of his need to live up to what seemed to be an almost autistic level of self denial. As an aside, for a British reader, be warned that the first few chapters are full of the most arcane cultural references to do with university in the US which have no equivalents in UK and are really rather baffling. Nevertheless, if one has had anything to do with fundamental Christianity and is interested in the debate in the evangelical church (perhaps better described as internecine warfare) over the acceptance of homosexuality this is a useful contribution, though Christopher limits the actual arguments in relation to it to a couple of pages at the end of the book. What it does illustrate is the capacity for gay people's lives to be warped and wasted by the futility of self hatred and I salute Christopher's recent support for Obama's declaration that gay conversion therapies should be banned.
April 21, 2015
Wow! This book was amazing, I am glad that I came across it, quite by accident. It was very open, honest, and heartbreaking. Being just a few years older than the author, I long to go back in time, track him down, and attempt to save him from all the anguish, self-hatred, and wasted time that took up a great deal of his young adult life. Hiding from Myself should really be a must read for pretty much everyone, as it shows first hand how damaging the myth of a homosexuality cure can be. The tea party Republicans, who strive to make anti-gay legislation, should read this book. Every single parent should read this book. Every "religious" person who thinks that not being gay is more important than loving thy neighbor should read this book. Anyone who struggles with acceptance of homosexuality should read this book. Bryan Christopher tried pretty much everything in order to beat his homosexuality. His results pretty much speak for themselves. Fantastic book! Well written! Just amazing!
December 26, 2015
Another excellent book. This true story made you feel compassion for those who struggle with their sexual identity and finally come to realize that their sexuality is not a choice, but is determined by their genes. The author recounts his struggles using humor at times. It is so well written that I could not put it down.
June 2, 2015
The self loathing
This book is a true depiction of a struggle so many Christian Gay people have encountered. The pain is palpable and the journey is not easy. The possible loss of family, friends, and our Christian fellowship is real.
Bryan has given one of the most honest views of the battles so many of us have fought, so few of us have won.
My only complaint about this book is that it ended too abruptly. It left me with questions about his continuing Journey. I could have read so much more. I would have enjoyed the rest of the story. ( extremely difficult not to give away the ending) if you struggled with this issue or love someone who has this book will offer insight and understanding about the battle that rages inside so many gays and lesbians their families and most importantly their churches
This book is a true depiction of a struggle so many Christian Gay people have encountered. The pain is palpable and the journey is not easy. The possible loss of family, friends, and our Christian fellowship is real.
Bryan has given one of the most honest views of the battles so many of us have fought, so few of us have won.
My only complaint about this book is that it ended too abruptly. It left me with questions about his continuing Journey. I could have read so much more. I would have enjoyed the rest of the story. ( extremely difficult not to give away the ending) if you struggled with this issue or love someone who has this book will offer insight and understanding about the battle that rages inside so many gays and lesbians their families and most importantly their churches
October 11, 2015
A thoroughly good read for an independent book which I stumbled upon by accident on the kindle, I couldn't put it down. This really highlighted the pain, isolation and struggles of dealing with your sexuality in a religious environment and just how destructive not accepting yourself can be. The style of the book meant you really could feel Brian's pain and shame throughout and gave a good insight into the struggles that people still face.
July 14, 2015
Shockingly relatable
Truthful insight into what BC went through in his struggles to find acceptance and happiness with who he really is. When nothing is wrong except one's own self- perception, you've got conflict. I'm thrilled BC found his honest truth and demonstrated through this book that #LoveWins. Not only the love of one another, but ourselves as well.
Truthful insight into what BC went through in his struggles to find acceptance and happiness with who he really is. When nothing is wrong except one's own self- perception, you've got conflict. I'm thrilled BC found his honest truth and demonstrated through this book that #LoveWins. Not only the love of one another, but ourselves as well.
September 11, 2016
This was a very good book!
January 28, 2020
This book blew me away. As a 50yo evangelical woman, it really has changed my view of homosexuality. My church has had many messages trying to reconcile what the Bible says about the subject and how we should love our LGBT friends. The bottom line is always that it is a sin, but we’re all sinners in need of a savior. The authors love for the Lord is evident as he struggles for years- 14 years at least- begging God to make him straight and doing everything in his power to correct himself. Even personal therapy with one of the founders of the “ex-gay” movement. It is so clear to the reader that he won’t be free from this internal prison as a heterosexual or even a celibate homosexual -And yet that is what we Christians are encouraged to tell our lgbtq friends. I cannot do that after reading this book.
April 4, 2020
Very good book...
Your book has helped me see how so many people feel. It's given me a lot to think about and process.
Your book has helped me see how so many people feel. It's given me a lot to think about and process.
December 22, 2014
I was browsing through NY Times' `100 Notable books of 2014'. This book was not in that list, but a few readers had questioned NYT on why it chose to omit this book from the `100 Notables` of 2014. Just on a whim then, I decided to read this book and downloaded the Kindle edition. Having finished it, I wouldn't think it belongs in the `100 Notables', but it is a worthy read. Though many would view the book as a journal about the tyranny of our society's attitude towards homosexuality, I think the book has an even larger message. It can be viewed as a call to all of us to `accept ourselves and others' in spite of all our warts and faults and shortcomings and find peace of mind in this acceptance and get on with our lives instead of being ultra-critical, unhappy and depressed as a result of non-acceptance.
The book is the memoirs of Bryan Christopher, a young man in the 1970s and 80s, who finds himself attracted more towards other men rather than women. Having grown up in the Bible-belt of conservative and religious Texas, he views it as a sin and tries to `cure' himself of this `disease' over the next decade. Though he comes from a loving family, he feels that the truth would break his parents' heart and so he `plays along' as if he is heterosexual. Life takes him on a roller-coaster ride where he works as Hugh Hefner's butler in his Playboy mansion, then as an actor in Hollywood during which time, he has a few sexual encounters with other men, joins the New Life, an Evangelical Church group, which views homosexuality as a sin and hence a spiritual problem with psychological roots and so can be treated and healed. He even tries counseling from the Ex-Gay movement which encourages people to refrain from entering or pursuing same-sex relationships, to eliminate homosexual desires, to develop heterosexual desires, or to enter into a heterosexual relationship. Not surprisingly, everything fails and he still finds himself attracted to men in spite of a committed relationship with his girlfriend. The book ends with an account of how Bryan resolves his existential dilemma.
The final chapters have some powerful passages which are quite compelling reading. At times it is heart-breaking to see this man wrestling with himself to define who he really is and what his relation to his own Christian faith is. About his struggle for more than a decade, he says, " I have driven myself insane trying to change.....if I can't change the truth about me, I either end my life or live with it. If I choose to live, the only way that makes sense is to live and love honestly; to stop lying, to stop hiding and tell the truth".
About the various church groups where he tried to get help, Bryan says, " the voices in many churches which preach that gay people can be saved from their deviant choice through zealous prayer, divine intervention and a whole lot of will power, are leaving scars on the souls of countless victims, who are led to believe that not only is change possible but required in order to be loved by God......this makes the flock feel justified in judging and excluding and internalize the prejudice."
Though it is not a surprise to see that the Church in the 1980s was intolerant of gay people, one is surprised to find that even in Hollywood, which always had the image of being liberal, Bryan was constantly counseled not to `out' being gay. Not only Bryan, many other gay actors also did the same in order to protect their careers.
The author writes well and the story is well told without any rancor and with good humor. He could have had a go at our society at large or the Church in the end but he does neither because he is not an angry young man. It is comforting to see that he finds peace and tranquility with himself in the end in his own way. Though much of what transpires happens in California, I would think the environment for gay people must be significantly better today in the state compared to what is described in the memoirs.
The book is the memoirs of Bryan Christopher, a young man in the 1970s and 80s, who finds himself attracted more towards other men rather than women. Having grown up in the Bible-belt of conservative and religious Texas, he views it as a sin and tries to `cure' himself of this `disease' over the next decade. Though he comes from a loving family, he feels that the truth would break his parents' heart and so he `plays along' as if he is heterosexual. Life takes him on a roller-coaster ride where he works as Hugh Hefner's butler in his Playboy mansion, then as an actor in Hollywood during which time, he has a few sexual encounters with other men, joins the New Life, an Evangelical Church group, which views homosexuality as a sin and hence a spiritual problem with psychological roots and so can be treated and healed. He even tries counseling from the Ex-Gay movement which encourages people to refrain from entering or pursuing same-sex relationships, to eliminate homosexual desires, to develop heterosexual desires, or to enter into a heterosexual relationship. Not surprisingly, everything fails and he still finds himself attracted to men in spite of a committed relationship with his girlfriend. The book ends with an account of how Bryan resolves his existential dilemma.
The final chapters have some powerful passages which are quite compelling reading. At times it is heart-breaking to see this man wrestling with himself to define who he really is and what his relation to his own Christian faith is. About his struggle for more than a decade, he says, " I have driven myself insane trying to change.....if I can't change the truth about me, I either end my life or live with it. If I choose to live, the only way that makes sense is to live and love honestly; to stop lying, to stop hiding and tell the truth".
About the various church groups where he tried to get help, Bryan says, " the voices in many churches which preach that gay people can be saved from their deviant choice through zealous prayer, divine intervention and a whole lot of will power, are leaving scars on the souls of countless victims, who are led to believe that not only is change possible but required in order to be loved by God......this makes the flock feel justified in judging and excluding and internalize the prejudice."
Though it is not a surprise to see that the Church in the 1980s was intolerant of gay people, one is surprised to find that even in Hollywood, which always had the image of being liberal, Bryan was constantly counseled not to `out' being gay. Not only Bryan, many other gay actors also did the same in order to protect their careers.
The author writes well and the story is well told without any rancor and with good humor. He could have had a go at our society at large or the Church in the end but he does neither because he is not an angry young man. It is comforting to see that he finds peace and tranquility with himself in the end in his own way. Though much of what transpires happens in California, I would think the environment for gay people must be significantly better today in the state compared to what is described in the memoirs.
January 5, 2015
`The message that my immutable true colors were unacceptable left scars on my soul.'
Handsome young Bryan Christopher shares a life of trials, tribulations, and finally self-acceptance in this marvelously well-written book HIDING FROM MYSELF. Bryan was born in Waco, Texas (in the Bible Belt) and graduated from UCLA with a degree in Psychology. As his bio states, `While interning in the L.A. County psychiatric ward his senior year, he received a head-butt from a mental patient. It either knocked a screw loose (or made everything fall into place), but in that moment everything changed. Instead of enrolling in graduate school, he enrolled in acting school and began training as a screenwriter. His literary works have since included magazine articles, editorial, teleplays, screenplays, fiction and non-fiction.' This is one gifted writer and also a courageous one.
Writing coming out stories can either be pathetic are triumphant. Bryan manages to share all aspects of what can happen to a sensitive lad who senses he likes boys but is caught in the middle of a church condemning subset - a situation that teaches that being gay is a damnation and sin and elects to `correct ` the sin by some heinous means of `change'. He hides form his own feelings, sleeps with women to prove something to himself, undergoes ex-gay conversion, and finally shares the truth about who he is and what he loves and faces the fears all gay people face when they finally get to known themselves and introduce that `new' self to family, friends and mates.
Bryan writes with intensity but also with a light touch that keeps the book focused on the real issue - love. Toward the end he writes, `The voices in many churches that preach that gay people can be saved from their deviant choice through zealous prayer, divine intervention, and a whole lot of willpower, are leaving scars on the souls of countless victims who are led to believe that not only is change possible, but required in order to be loved by God. This message not only puts conditions on the unconditional love of God, but it feeds the prejudice of the church, making the flock feel justified in judging and excluding. The incendiary anti-gay rhetoric coming from those churches lashes away at the psyches of gay kids who can't help but internalize the prejudice of the pious. It's no wonder gay youth are at a higher risk of suicide. They have few choices: either try to be someone they can never be to fit in, become invisible and hope no one notices, or come out and risk becoming a target-- and not just from the kid's own family and church. For me, the "ex-gay" movement was a deceptive form of soul torture, forcing me to declare war on myself, fueling my self-hatred and internalized prejudice to a psychiatric pitch--obsessed with my sexuality and compulsive in my efforts to eliminate it.`
So it is good to know that now Bryan Christopher is a happy, well adjusted man who is finding success in all that he does - be that love, relationships, work, career, and complete happiness. This is a book that deserves a very wide audience. It is a movie waiting to be made.
Handsome young Bryan Christopher shares a life of trials, tribulations, and finally self-acceptance in this marvelously well-written book HIDING FROM MYSELF. Bryan was born in Waco, Texas (in the Bible Belt) and graduated from UCLA with a degree in Psychology. As his bio states, `While interning in the L.A. County psychiatric ward his senior year, he received a head-butt from a mental patient. It either knocked a screw loose (or made everything fall into place), but in that moment everything changed. Instead of enrolling in graduate school, he enrolled in acting school and began training as a screenwriter. His literary works have since included magazine articles, editorial, teleplays, screenplays, fiction and non-fiction.' This is one gifted writer and also a courageous one.
Writing coming out stories can either be pathetic are triumphant. Bryan manages to share all aspects of what can happen to a sensitive lad who senses he likes boys but is caught in the middle of a church condemning subset - a situation that teaches that being gay is a damnation and sin and elects to `correct ` the sin by some heinous means of `change'. He hides form his own feelings, sleeps with women to prove something to himself, undergoes ex-gay conversion, and finally shares the truth about who he is and what he loves and faces the fears all gay people face when they finally get to known themselves and introduce that `new' self to family, friends and mates.
Bryan writes with intensity but also with a light touch that keeps the book focused on the real issue - love. Toward the end he writes, `The voices in many churches that preach that gay people can be saved from their deviant choice through zealous prayer, divine intervention, and a whole lot of willpower, are leaving scars on the souls of countless victims who are led to believe that not only is change possible, but required in order to be loved by God. This message not only puts conditions on the unconditional love of God, but it feeds the prejudice of the church, making the flock feel justified in judging and excluding. The incendiary anti-gay rhetoric coming from those churches lashes away at the psyches of gay kids who can't help but internalize the prejudice of the pious. It's no wonder gay youth are at a higher risk of suicide. They have few choices: either try to be someone they can never be to fit in, become invisible and hope no one notices, or come out and risk becoming a target-- and not just from the kid's own family and church. For me, the "ex-gay" movement was a deceptive form of soul torture, forcing me to declare war on myself, fueling my self-hatred and internalized prejudice to a psychiatric pitch--obsessed with my sexuality and compulsive in my efforts to eliminate it.`
So it is good to know that now Bryan Christopher is a happy, well adjusted man who is finding success in all that he does - be that love, relationships, work, career, and complete happiness. This is a book that deserves a very wide audience. It is a movie waiting to be made.
October 14, 2013
This is very moving, quite heart-breaking in places and yet there is a thread of humour running through it that will make you chuckle. It is a very vulnerable book to write and Bryan Christopher has done an amazing job of putting his struggles and acceptance of himself on paper that has you feeling a real empathy with him through his journey.
Raised in Texas in a loving Christian home with a mum who every kid around called ‘mom’ and with the church upbringing and local bullies enforcing on his psyche that ‘fag’ is bad, Bryan Christopher grew up believing the feelings he had had were not just wrong, but that they meant he was broken.
At first he just tries to outright deny his own feelings and when he finds this too much of a struggle he goes in search of a cure for his homosexuality:
From taking a job at the playboy mansion, hoping the bunnies and Hefner’s world will stir in him the repressed hetero he believes is there, to going to Church groups, pastors, holy mentors and even a psychiatric clinic to cleanse his sexual brokenness and beg God to fix him.
None of it works. But it makes for a compelling autobiography.
He has expertly managed to weave in a real humour in the tale, even though it was clearly a heart wrenching and mentally exhausting time, as for over a decade, he seeks out reparative therapies desperately trying to fix the ‘sin within him’.
From the amusing tales of a frat boy, to being a butler for Hugh Hefner in the Playboy Mansion, to a wild ride of a life trying to make it as an actor in LA. He makes friends and finds close companions in promise keepers, church families, actors, executives, Mormons and homeless transvestites alike.
But this is no comedy, the continuing thread running through it is compelling and in places truly heart-breaking as someone struggling to come to terms with who he is and his faith and the conflict he truly believes exists between the two.
It is not however depressing and wanting of despair: it is a book that will keep you reading and keep you thinking all the way through it.
It is not just for those struggling with sexuality or ‘just for the gay community’ either. It’s a story of self acceptance, about finding ones place in the world, whatever that may be and the bumps in the road we all hit a long the way.
I would recommend this to everyone as a must read.
An excellent story and beautifully written, Bryan Christopher is a fantastic writer and wonderful narrator.
Raised in Texas in a loving Christian home with a mum who every kid around called ‘mom’ and with the church upbringing and local bullies enforcing on his psyche that ‘fag’ is bad, Bryan Christopher grew up believing the feelings he had had were not just wrong, but that they meant he was broken.
At first he just tries to outright deny his own feelings and when he finds this too much of a struggle he goes in search of a cure for his homosexuality:
From taking a job at the playboy mansion, hoping the bunnies and Hefner’s world will stir in him the repressed hetero he believes is there, to going to Church groups, pastors, holy mentors and even a psychiatric clinic to cleanse his sexual brokenness and beg God to fix him.
None of it works. But it makes for a compelling autobiography.
He has expertly managed to weave in a real humour in the tale, even though it was clearly a heart wrenching and mentally exhausting time, as for over a decade, he seeks out reparative therapies desperately trying to fix the ‘sin within him’.
From the amusing tales of a frat boy, to being a butler for Hugh Hefner in the Playboy Mansion, to a wild ride of a life trying to make it as an actor in LA. He makes friends and finds close companions in promise keepers, church families, actors, executives, Mormons and homeless transvestites alike.
But this is no comedy, the continuing thread running through it is compelling and in places truly heart-breaking as someone struggling to come to terms with who he is and his faith and the conflict he truly believes exists between the two.
It is not however depressing and wanting of despair: it is a book that will keep you reading and keep you thinking all the way through it.
It is not just for those struggling with sexuality or ‘just for the gay community’ either. It’s a story of self acceptance, about finding ones place in the world, whatever that may be and the bumps in the road we all hit a long the way.
I would recommend this to everyone as a must read.
An excellent story and beautifully written, Bryan Christopher is a fantastic writer and wonderful narrator.
October 9, 2013
I have read the book a week ago and up until now, I could still feel the pain and sadness of the author’s struggles with today’s world.
I told the talented author Bryan Christopher, how I literally bawled my eyes out after reading his memoir. oh yes, he really made me cry, I even sobbed, seriously. I think the last time I have cried over a book that was so intense was when I read a Lee Gliddon inspirational book. Now is the second time I have ever cried this way again.
Bryan Christopher is amazing and gifted. I felt his hardships and battle with the society while he struggled to hide what or who he really was. He tried hiding from himself, but he was just fooling his own in the end.
I learned a lot from this memoir, first and foremost, about not being judgmental. In our society today, we read news about gay marriages and stuffs, but when people come face-to-face with the gay men, most of them still look in the other direction and wish they would magically change their preferences. Others think gays are immoral and abomination, but the truth is, they are also people, they are also children of God and they deserve to live and walk on this earth with their heads held up high.
Secondly, it would be good to know in the future that some religious people have less of a problem with gays. Yes, there are still a lot hiding from the society who still instill God’s teachings in themselves. I wish them courage and guidance to be able to come out soon. I myself have a number of gay friends and I love them wholeheartedly.
I highly recommend this book to everyone who have friend who are not quite sure how to go on about their everyday life because they have been hiding in their closets. This book is also to everyone who wish to better understand gays and lesbians. Let’s all be equal and see them in a new light.
I told the talented author Bryan Christopher, how I literally bawled my eyes out after reading his memoir. oh yes, he really made me cry, I even sobbed, seriously. I think the last time I have cried over a book that was so intense was when I read a Lee Gliddon inspirational book. Now is the second time I have ever cried this way again.
Bryan Christopher is amazing and gifted. I felt his hardships and battle with the society while he struggled to hide what or who he really was. He tried hiding from himself, but he was just fooling his own in the end.
I learned a lot from this memoir, first and foremost, about not being judgmental. In our society today, we read news about gay marriages and stuffs, but when people come face-to-face with the gay men, most of them still look in the other direction and wish they would magically change their preferences. Others think gays are immoral and abomination, but the truth is, they are also people, they are also children of God and they deserve to live and walk on this earth with their heads held up high.
Secondly, it would be good to know in the future that some religious people have less of a problem with gays. Yes, there are still a lot hiding from the society who still instill God’s teachings in themselves. I wish them courage and guidance to be able to come out soon. I myself have a number of gay friends and I love them wholeheartedly.
I highly recommend this book to everyone who have friend who are not quite sure how to go on about their everyday life because they have been hiding in their closets. This book is also to everyone who wish to better understand gays and lesbians. Let’s all be equal and see them in a new light.
February 21, 2015
This is an incredibly well written book and it includes an element of suspense that kept me from putting it down - a rare experience for me. The subject is one with which I am far too experienced and Bryan gives the reader tremendous insight into the myriad ways in which we destroy ourselves when we attempt to be something we are not. In this case, it is a gay man trying desperately to become straight and we learn about his struggles and agony in exquisite detail through the story of his first three decades of life. Bryan brings us into his own soul to experience this with him, and it is hard not to feel as though we have lived more than a bit of it ourselves. This is the sign of not only a great book but an effective learning experience. Along with everything else we may discover about him, he certainly has a gift for writing.
There is an unmistakable element of Christian faith involved with Bryan's story, as it was the key motivator and tool for his attempts to become straight. However, one does not have to be a Christian, or possess any faith at all to fully appreciate and benefit from this book. I can't recommend it highly enough for just about anyone, but particularly for those who have been through or, heaven forbid, may be contemplating the idea of the highly discredited conversion therapy (ex-gay). If you feel alone in that, Hiding from Myself will give you comfort. If you are part of a church that rejects gays and lesbians or requires of them extraordinary feats of change or chastity, you owe it to yourself to see how that plays out in the life of one of the most devoted students of those requirements I have ever heard of.
There is an unmistakable element of Christian faith involved with Bryan's story, as it was the key motivator and tool for his attempts to become straight. However, one does not have to be a Christian, or possess any faith at all to fully appreciate and benefit from this book. I can't recommend it highly enough for just about anyone, but particularly for those who have been through or, heaven forbid, may be contemplating the idea of the highly discredited conversion therapy (ex-gay). If you feel alone in that, Hiding from Myself will give you comfort. If you are part of a church that rejects gays and lesbians or requires of them extraordinary feats of change or chastity, you owe it to yourself to see how that plays out in the life of one of the most devoted students of those requirements I have ever heard of.
October 20, 2013
"Hiding from Myself" is the story of one man who has never been comfortable in his own shoes. He grew up in a fairly conservative family (at least as he perceived it). When he begins feeling feelings for other men, he tries to push it down. He throws himself into things like bible study, listening to anti- and ex- gay meant to help convert people to heterosexuality tapes in the car and trying to sell others on religion, thinking that he could literally "pray the gay away." Eventually he realizes that there is way more to life that simply hiding who he really is!
In this very honest, very raw memoir, author Bryan Christopher recounts his struggle with himself. I really liked this memoir that tackles a serious subject with a sense of humor. I'm not sure I've come across another book that tackles the subject of someone trying to hide that they are gay and trying to become an ex-gay. This book made me very sad. I think it's important to know about all sorts of different people in this world so that we can be more understanding and caring for those around us who are going through a difficult time.
Yes, this is a serious subject. Yes, this is a tough subject. But I appreciated how Mr. Christopher was able to write in such a way to allow us to see that he still seemed to have a good sense of humor about it, which really helps readers feel for Mr. Christopher's plight. There are actually some very funny parts in this book. The way that Christopher writes really pulled me into the story!
Overall, this is a great memoir!
In this very honest, very raw memoir, author Bryan Christopher recounts his struggle with himself. I really liked this memoir that tackles a serious subject with a sense of humor. I'm not sure I've come across another book that tackles the subject of someone trying to hide that they are gay and trying to become an ex-gay. This book made me very sad. I think it's important to know about all sorts of different people in this world so that we can be more understanding and caring for those around us who are going through a difficult time.
Yes, this is a serious subject. Yes, this is a tough subject. But I appreciated how Mr. Christopher was able to write in such a way to allow us to see that he still seemed to have a good sense of humor about it, which really helps readers feel for Mr. Christopher's plight. There are actually some very funny parts in this book. The way that Christopher writes really pulled me into the story!
Overall, this is a great memoir!
June 8, 2016
This is really a heartbreaking book. Simple heartbreaking. The church has a lot to answer for in regards to the demonisation of homosexuals.
Bryan is a devout Christian, but because he is gay, he believes that he cannot be himself, lest he lose his friends, family and the church he loves. So he tries to change and bend himself into the right heterosexual shape so that he can finally be a "normal", married and have kids. He tried to "turn" himself straight by working in Hugh Hefner's Playboy mansion, enrolled in "ex-gay" programmes and listened to motivational tapes - all to no avail. He repeatedly walked away from people he had a connection with, and nearly killed himself from the pain.
It was painful to read his struggle, how he hides his true self, the deep self-loathing he feels about who he is, the frustration he felt at being created that way ... I may be a straight woman but I relate to his desperation in wanting to fit into a religious culture that demands we behave a certain way, but doing so would mean destroying ourselves slowly by not being ourselves.
The only minus point is that there are times I found his journey repetitive (he comes close to accepting himself, only to fall back into the "I know I can be an ex-gay one day" mode). Still, if anything, this does enable you to feel the exhaustion he feels.
Bryan is a devout Christian, but because he is gay, he believes that he cannot be himself, lest he lose his friends, family and the church he loves. So he tries to change and bend himself into the right heterosexual shape so that he can finally be a "normal", married and have kids. He tried to "turn" himself straight by working in Hugh Hefner's Playboy mansion, enrolled in "ex-gay" programmes and listened to motivational tapes - all to no avail. He repeatedly walked away from people he had a connection with, and nearly killed himself from the pain.
It was painful to read his struggle, how he hides his true self, the deep self-loathing he feels about who he is, the frustration he felt at being created that way ... I may be a straight woman but I relate to his desperation in wanting to fit into a religious culture that demands we behave a certain way, but doing so would mean destroying ourselves slowly by not being ourselves.
The only minus point is that there are times I found his journey repetitive (he comes close to accepting himself, only to fall back into the "I know I can be an ex-gay one day" mode). Still, if anything, this does enable you to feel the exhaustion he feels.
September 7, 2013
Bryan is an excellent writer with a very believable dialogue, a great sense of humor, and pathos of a decade of soul searching that almost destroyed him. His story is not just another coming out tale, even though many other people have struggled through the process. You relive the scenes as he tells them so vividly that you feel you’re there. I’m waiting for the movie version.
Glamour, chaos, guilt, the high life and the low life, and a fantastically strong Christian belief system that distorted the true spirit of Christ, are all wrapped up in this engrossing book that reads more like narrative fiction because he sets the scenes so well. You feel his pain as he searches for redemption. He very briefly describes his various affairs without the same passion as he does he does in fighting fundamentalism. I kept trying to visualize him and the other characters in the book, and he must good-looking.
Glamour, chaos, guilt, the high life and the low life, and a fantastically strong Christian belief system that distorted the true spirit of Christ, are all wrapped up in this engrossing book that reads more like narrative fiction because he sets the scenes so well. You feel his pain as he searches for redemption. He very briefly describes his various affairs without the same passion as he does he does in fighting fundamentalism. I kept trying to visualize him and the other characters in the book, and he must good-looking.
April 20, 2015
Couldn't seem to put this one down - fascinating and incredible story. The lengths this man went through to change who he was, deny who he was.....and how destructive that was to himself and others are experiences about which many people need to hear.
We are not policies to be debated and disapproved of, to be separated into our love-worthy parts and our "sinful" parts not worthy of love....We are people. Equally human. Equally deserving of love and equally capable of giving love. We are not broken or disordered because of the gender of our partners. And for certain groups to label us as such is hateful and detrimental to our well being.
This is a lesson it took Bryan Christopher 30 years to accept...hopefully his book will help others discover this truth much more quickly.
We are not policies to be debated and disapproved of, to be separated into our love-worthy parts and our "sinful" parts not worthy of love....We are people. Equally human. Equally deserving of love and equally capable of giving love. We are not broken or disordered because of the gender of our partners. And for certain groups to label us as such is hateful and detrimental to our well being.
This is a lesson it took Bryan Christopher 30 years to accept...hopefully his book will help others discover this truth much more quickly.
May 16, 2015
Painful and Moving
Mr. Christopher's book Hiding from Myself was so unbelievably painful, yet so beautiful and heroic. Reading his trials trying to deny his sexuality because the faith he grew up in told him it was a sin just broke my heart. You could feel his pain and self-hatred on every page. I thought of the many people I know who love Jesus Christ and are Christian, yet have to battle these two parts of their personalities that are not mutually exclusive. I do wish that Mr. Christopher spoke more about the adjustment he had to make once he finally came out, but, all in all, this was a tremendous book.
Mr. Christopher's book Hiding from Myself was so unbelievably painful, yet so beautiful and heroic. Reading his trials trying to deny his sexuality because the faith he grew up in told him it was a sin just broke my heart. You could feel his pain and self-hatred on every page. I thought of the many people I know who love Jesus Christ and are Christian, yet have to battle these two parts of their personalities that are not mutually exclusive. I do wish that Mr. Christopher spoke more about the adjustment he had to make once he finally came out, but, all in all, this was a tremendous book.
January 21, 2015
I loved this book. His world is completely different from my own, and I am glad I was able to take a peak at someone else's life experiences. I just wish that he had been able to accept himself sooner and that he spent more time discussing Charles towards the end. I understand if he wanted to keep that part of his life private, but I would have liked to see the early aspects of that relationship develop before the book concluded. This book is well-written. It has everything you could ever want in a book -- suspense, romance, heartbreak, and a realistic happy ending.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 23, 2015
Bryan Christopher takes us through his tumultuous journey of trying to synch his sexuality with his spiritual experiences. He is torn and tortured for too many years by the judgement of others.
I have loved people who have tried to fit into the heterosexual role and have struggled with keeping up the facade. As one of my dearest friends has said before, "If homosexuality were a choice, I would not have chosed it because it caused pain for my children, my ex-wife and others that I loved."
I feel grateful for the authors candor because it resonates with stories I have heard from others.
I have loved people who have tried to fit into the heterosexual role and have struggled with keeping up the facade. As one of my dearest friends has said before, "If homosexuality were a choice, I would not have chosed it because it caused pain for my children, my ex-wife and others that I loved."
I feel grateful for the authors candor because it resonates with stories I have heard from others.
April 30, 2014
This book is a must for gay Christians
This book encapsulates all of the fear people raised Christian feel about being gay. It is important for Christians to recognize that not everyone is the same and being gay is not a choice. Denying who you are is toxic and degrading. This book really makes you feel the authors pain and triumph in the end. It is a story that needs to be told.
This book encapsulates all of the fear people raised Christian feel about being gay. It is important for Christians to recognize that not everyone is the same and being gay is not a choice. Denying who you are is toxic and degrading. This book really makes you feel the authors pain and triumph in the end. It is a story that needs to be told.
January 22, 2015
I would never have understood the struggles my own son went through trying to reconcile his faith with his homosexuality had I not read what Bryan went through. At times, I despaired of Bryan coming out at all, other times I wept thinking how much damage we as "Christians" have done to others in the name of Jesus. So very thankful that like my son, Bryan has found peace and happiness in his own skin being who God made him to be.
May 21, 2015
We all hide
It is so easy to judge, being especial hard on ourselves because we know our flaws better than anyone. But the true challenge - and gift - is to love. I am grateful for the author revealing his struggle in such a clear and entertaining way.
It is so easy to judge, being especial hard on ourselves because we know our flaws better than anyone. But the true challenge - and gift - is to love. I am grateful for the author revealing his struggle in such a clear and entertaining way.
October 23, 2017
This is one of the best books i have ever read
This book tells so much of the world of how much done religion don't agree of homosexuality. I read this in one sitting couldn't put it down
This book tells so much of the world of how much done religion don't agree of homosexuality. I read this in one sitting couldn't put it down
June 21, 2015
Rather redundant and needs proofreading. Seemed too long. I commend his fight for truth. just didn't really like the book that much.
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