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Kosher Lust: Love Is Not the Answer
Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Boy and girl enjoy the sparks in the early years, but eventually settle into a comfortable friendship, and all passion disappears from their marriage. That s just the way it goes, right? As many as one in three long-term marriages in America are sexless, and most people accept this as the inevitable course of a romantic relationship. In this groundbreaking book, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach explains why the prioritizing of love and companionship in marriage is all wrong, and why we should not go quietly into that dark night of celibate marriage. It is not love, Rabbi Shmuley shows, but lust that is the glue of a marriage. In this book you will learn how to restore lust to its rightful place as the central pillar of marriage. You will learn about the three principles of lust, and how to tap into them to keep the flames burning in the family hearth. Finally, you will discover the incredible emotional and spiritual potential of the intimate marital bond. In a wide-ranging discussion that plumbs the depths of the erotic mind, Rabbi Shmuley delivers a revolutionary message with the power to completely transform your most important relationship.
- GenresRelationships
180 pages, Hardcover
First published September 1, 2013
41 people are currently reading
102 people want to read
About the author
Shmuley Boteach
50 books70 followersRabbi Shmuley Boteach, named by Talkers Magazine as one of the 100 most important radio hosts in America, is a nationally syndicated talk show host, the international best-selling author of 15 books, and an acclaimed syndicated columnist.
A winner of the London Times highly prestigious "Preacher of the Year" award, Rabbi Shmuley has lectured and appeared in print, radio, and TV all over the globe. His radio show, "Rabbi Shmuley's Passion," airs daily on Bonneville Broadcasting in afternoon drive-time.
He is the author of a number of books, including "Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy," "Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments," "Why Can't I Fall in Love," "Judaism for Everyone: Renewing your Life through the Vibrant Lessons of the Jewish Faith," and most recently, "Hating Women: America's Hostile Campaign Against the Fairer Sex." A winner of the annual "preacher of the year" contest sponsored by the Times of London, he was formerly rabbi of Oxford University.
Shmuley—he is known universally by his first name, has marketed himself as a rabbi to the stars and an expert on Jewish attitudes toward relationships and marriage. ("Dr. Ruth with a yarmulke," the Washington Post called him.)
A winner of the London Times highly prestigious "Preacher of the Year" award, Rabbi Shmuley has lectured and appeared in print, radio, and TV all over the globe. His radio show, "Rabbi Shmuley's Passion," airs daily on Bonneville Broadcasting in afternoon drive-time.
He is the author of a number of books, including "Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy," "Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments," "Why Can't I Fall in Love," "Judaism for Everyone: Renewing your Life through the Vibrant Lessons of the Jewish Faith," and most recently, "Hating Women: America's Hostile Campaign Against the Fairer Sex." A winner of the annual "preacher of the year" contest sponsored by the Times of London, he was formerly rabbi of Oxford University.
Shmuley—he is known universally by his first name, has marketed himself as a rabbi to the stars and an expert on Jewish attitudes toward relationships and marriage. ("Dr. Ruth with a yarmulke," the Washington Post called him.)
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
May 1, 2014
This is an odd book- though it seems to be a volume in a series by Boteach, all with similar messages. I think they are designed to preach to the choir, and I am not a member of this particular choir.
I can in some ways see his point. In most solid marriages I know- ones lasting over 10 years, and looking to continue- the partners pass through times of passion and times of intimate companionship. Both are good! and that's part of what he is saying.
However, I do not think lust will take you through times of no friendship; what i see is that friendship takes you through times of minimal lust. If lust is the glue- I think more marriages would fall apart, not fewer; in fact, I think that's what's happening.
It doesn't help that Boteach is a gender essentialist. Men- ALL men- want X. Women- ALL women- want Y. (What about GLBT? Not acknowledged.) Men want to PURSUE. Women want to be DESIRED. He says, straight out, that when a man pursues a woman, she cannot help but respond positively- as if stalking and sexual harassment never happen! not to mention rape! In fact, one of his polished examples of how women succumb to persistent men looks a lot like sexual harassment and/or rape to me, especially since the woman's HUSBAND got one of his students to pursue her in order to win an argument. She killed herself. He did get run out of town, apparently, but his horrible betrayal was smoothed over.
And it's a Venus and Mars thing, too, because men need nurturing! Doesn't matter if they are attacking their woives- it's HER job to nurture him enough to get over this! Uh-huh.
Add some gratuitous feminism bashing, a quote that "supports" his POV from the Malleus Maleficiorum...
Also- apparently a key to lust is that it be sinful. He tiptoes around this, trying to make it seem more benign- but if lust is key, and lust is of necessity sinful- then marital relationships look hopeless, despite hit attempts at tricks to finesse that.
Also, some of his Scriptural references seem off. Example: Commandment 10 of the 10 Commandments: he truncates this at "Though shalt not covet they neighbor's wife.." and uses this as a way to argue that thou SHALT covet thy own wife. Except that the verse continues "or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's". So- the man should be coveting his own servants and livestock???
These are content-based objections.
I also want to say that this is a highly repetitive book. In almost every chapter, Boteach says the same thing over and over and over, without going into any new ground that would perhaps address the discrepancies between his teachings and actual human behavior.
Now- it does seem he's aiming this mostly at Orthodox Jews, which I am not. However, I am not convinced.
I think sex and sexuality have an important place in marriage. This approach, though, didn't convince me at all- plus it seemed to gloss over some serious issues.
I got this book to review through LibraryThing.
I can in some ways see his point. In most solid marriages I know- ones lasting over 10 years, and looking to continue- the partners pass through times of passion and times of intimate companionship. Both are good! and that's part of what he is saying.
However, I do not think lust will take you through times of no friendship; what i see is that friendship takes you through times of minimal lust. If lust is the glue- I think more marriages would fall apart, not fewer; in fact, I think that's what's happening.
It doesn't help that Boteach is a gender essentialist. Men- ALL men- want X. Women- ALL women- want Y. (What about GLBT? Not acknowledged.) Men want to PURSUE. Women want to be DESIRED. He says, straight out, that when a man pursues a woman, she cannot help but respond positively- as if stalking and sexual harassment never happen! not to mention rape! In fact, one of his polished examples of how women succumb to persistent men looks a lot like sexual harassment and/or rape to me, especially since the woman's HUSBAND got one of his students to pursue her in order to win an argument. She killed herself. He did get run out of town, apparently, but his horrible betrayal was smoothed over.
And it's a Venus and Mars thing, too, because men need nurturing! Doesn't matter if they are attacking their woives- it's HER job to nurture him enough to get over this! Uh-huh.
Add some gratuitous feminism bashing, a quote that "supports" his POV from the Malleus Maleficiorum...
Also- apparently a key to lust is that it be sinful. He tiptoes around this, trying to make it seem more benign- but if lust is key, and lust is of necessity sinful- then marital relationships look hopeless, despite hit attempts at tricks to finesse that.
Also, some of his Scriptural references seem off. Example: Commandment 10 of the 10 Commandments: he truncates this at "Though shalt not covet they neighbor's wife.." and uses this as a way to argue that thou SHALT covet thy own wife. Except that the verse continues "or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's". So- the man should be coveting his own servants and livestock???
These are content-based objections.
I also want to say that this is a highly repetitive book. In almost every chapter, Boteach says the same thing over and over and over, without going into any new ground that would perhaps address the discrepancies between his teachings and actual human behavior.
Now- it does seem he's aiming this mostly at Orthodox Jews, which I am not. However, I am not convinced.
I think sex and sexuality have an important place in marriage. This approach, though, didn't convince me at all- plus it seemed to gloss over some serious issues.
I got this book to review through LibraryThing.
June 1, 2014
I received this book free from the Early Reviewers program on Library Thing. I actually liked the premise of this book, but I also didn't like it and not too sure why. I think I don't like the arrogance of the writer (or at least that's how it came across to me). As a therapist myself, I always have a hard time taking a hard line on any issue. My answer to most things is "it depends". There are so many different reasons why a couple might be having problems, that I cringe to hear someone say "this is the answer always and forever."
Still, as a couples therapist, I have to agree with Rabbi Boteach that lust has really been given short shrift in American marriages. I have seen many, many couples who get along fine and are good friends but just aren't interested in each other anymore. And let's face it, if you meet someone you don't want to have sex with, they don't go in the marriage category, they go in the 'friend' category. So if this is a crucial aspect of marriage, why can't we seem to keep it and what do we do about it? I agree that lust derives from unavailability, mystery and a sense of forbidenness -- all of which marriage kills. I wish he would have spent more time with practical suggestions of how to cultivate these things in a marriage. But all in all, there are some good points made here.
Still, as a couples therapist, I have to agree with Rabbi Boteach that lust has really been given short shrift in American marriages. I have seen many, many couples who get along fine and are good friends but just aren't interested in each other anymore. And let's face it, if you meet someone you don't want to have sex with, they don't go in the marriage category, they go in the 'friend' category. So if this is a crucial aspect of marriage, why can't we seem to keep it and what do we do about it? I agree that lust derives from unavailability, mystery and a sense of forbidenness -- all of which marriage kills. I wish he would have spent more time with practical suggestions of how to cultivate these things in a marriage. But all in all, there are some good points made here.
November 4, 2014
Well I can't say I didn't like the book, though my first thoughts were that I was getting a cookbook. Maybe that's my professional deformation - being baker at Zomick's Bakery - expecting a cookbook with recipes... but well. About the book I can say that depending how you look at it, it can show some bizarre manners of how people try to keep the marriage in one piece. I liked how it started, intense and with strong message, but then half way done it lost it pace. All in all it is still a goodread for married couples. - Zomick's Bakery
November 29, 2018
This book did not get very many good reviews, and sadly I have to agree with those reviewers. This book was not to my liking at all. I suppose I expected more of a psychological premise to the book but that’s that what I got. I do not believe that lust trumps love. I don’t believe that love trumps lust either. This is way too black and white. Marriage is not black and white. Humans are not black and white. Gay men, lesbians, transgender, etc. are not mentioned at all. What does that say about the book? And there’s not really a practical counters to what the rabbi is arguing is the cause of the amount of divorces in the world now a days. I had a very very hard time getting through this book. I’ll admit that I did not read every word; couldn’t bring myself too. I had to read other books while I read this one just so I could put it down every once in a while to take a break. Not recommended.
October 18, 2020
Ho comprato questo libro in attesa che mi arrivasse la copia cartacea di Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy, curiosa di vedere cosa e come scrivesse il rabbino Boteach... Avrei fatto meglio ad aspettare. Questo libro non aggiunge nulla a quanto già si trova nell'altra opera ed è talmente infarcito di esempi di storie vissute che l'ho trovato illeggibile, ho passato il tempo a saltare i racconti di esperienze che erano tutte uguali. Insomma, secondo me pubblicato più per vendere che per dire qualcosa di nuovo.
March 27, 2018
The author had one good idea, then proceeded to ruin it with needless repetition repetition repetition and the single worst audible narrator I’ve ever heard.
November 2, 2018
Excellent truthful read. Read before you get married!
May 16, 2019
A good premise, but he keeps arguing it and providing supporting examples for the whole book. I wanted him to build on the premise instead of spending 200 pages convincing me of it.
May 1, 2014
The collision between traditional Judaic thought and postmodernism laced with a dose of popular psychology made this book fall very flat for me. There were a few points that I could agree with, but the overall tone and message missed the mark. While the author obviously attempts to create a paradigm shift in readers' thoughts by using provocative terminology and redefining it to fit his meaning (as seen by the titles of his other books), this book has a huge risk for doing exactly what he speaks against in the final chapter: a focus on an imagined better experience that sows seeds of discontent.
While much of the author's conclusion admits that there must be both phileo and eros love growing and thriving to maintain a healthy marriage, to elevate eros so highly is to invalidate other aspects of the marital relationship. In addition, the lengthy discussion of three aspects of eros (which the author describes as lust) as being inherently unavailable, mysterious, and sinful, and proposing how to include those in marriage does not give the reader a full understanding of God's intent when He said "It is not good for man to be alone."
I can agree that women long to be pursued; I can also agree that men long to be validated. I can agree that one of the healthiest things we can do for all of our male-female relationships and especially marriage is to return to some of the more modest and traditional distinctions in the male/female roles. However, that is about all of my agreement with this book.
While much of the author's conclusion admits that there must be both phileo and eros love growing and thriving to maintain a healthy marriage, to elevate eros so highly is to invalidate other aspects of the marital relationship. In addition, the lengthy discussion of three aspects of eros (which the author describes as lust) as being inherently unavailable, mysterious, and sinful, and proposing how to include those in marriage does not give the reader a full understanding of God's intent when He said "It is not good for man to be alone."
I can agree that women long to be pursued; I can also agree that men long to be validated. I can agree that one of the healthiest things we can do for all of our male-female relationships and especially marriage is to return to some of the more modest and traditional distinctions in the male/female roles. However, that is about all of my agreement with this book.
October 4, 2018
When a rabbi is down to earth enough to go from scripture to James Deen (the correct spelling), how can you not enjoy the book? For me this was massively eye opening. I was not feeling satisfied in my relationship and unsure of why, this book explained perfectly how I was feeling and what I need to feel truly valued and fulfilled in my marriage. It said it so much more clearly than I could have that I had my husband read it. Not only does he just get what women need, the book is hilarious and relevant. Lust is the glue to your marriage for sure. If you’re not feeling the lust but the love is still there, this is the perfect read.
September 29, 2015
Wow! Really impressed with how Shmuley took my doubtful consternation in response to the title and convinced me that lust is just as necessary as love within the marriage relationship. He put to words things that I already knew to be true in my very young marriage, and gave validation for things that may have died away with time if I didn't know their value.
December 28, 2014
It's kinda funny really and insightful too.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews