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Four Relationship Styles: How Attachment Theory Can Help You in Your Search for Lasting Love

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Whether we know it or not, relationship styles cause some people to naturally thrive in relationships and others to struggle. According to attachment theory, we tend to experience love in predictable ways--some of which are healthy and some of which are not--based on our style and that of our partner.

The good news is, whatever relationship style you have naturally, you're not stuck with it! Using the strategies found in this book, you can

· identify your relationship style (and your partner's)
· understand the strengths and challenges of that style
· overcome feelings of rejection and failed relationships
· recognize the patterns and behaviors that are affecting your relationships
· develop better ways to express and receive love

If you've been caught in a cycle of unsatisfying relationships, discover how attachment theory can help you take the guesswork out of understanding why people behave the way they do--especially in times of stress--so you can find and sustain a love that lasts.

224 pages, Paperback

Published January 23, 2024

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2466 people want to read

About the author

Anita Knight Kuhnley

5 books9 followers

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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
Profile Image for Hannah Stalvey.
69 reviews1 follower
April 10, 2024
UGH this book made me think so much… but in a good way. It gave me so much understanding and compassion towards both myself and others 🥲
Profile Image for Maria Elena | pagesofmaria.
804 reviews237 followers
February 8, 2025
While it’s not my usual read, as always I find Dr. Anita’s books very insightful and also easy to read and understand for everyone, even those of us who are not familiar with the science behind psychology, by making things accessible and using examples from our everyday lives. I felt the same way a few years ag, when I read The Mister Rogers Effect and enjoyed it immensely. That book helped me understand the psychology behind interactions that are useful to me every day, both in life and online.

In The Four Relationship Styles, Dr. Kuhnley helps us understand relationship styles by comparing them to jobs—Firefighter, Investigator, Security Guard and Networker—and identify which one we and our loved ones belong to. The purpose is to inspire self-awareness and enrich relationships, especially romantic ones, but this can be helpful for any type of relationship, really. I’m not in a romantic relationship, and yet this has made me observe my relationship with my loved ones closely and has given me a new perspective on things. There’s a test within the book that my sister and I took individually and then shared notes. A lesson I will take to heart is certainly the QTIP—quit taking it personally!

Thank you to the author for gifting me a copy. Opinions are my own.
Profile Image for Ve (ve_xo).
676 reviews113 followers
March 5, 2025
This isn't my go to genre but I’ve always enjoyed Dr. A's books! Four Relationship Styles is no exception—Dr. A makes complex concepts like attachment theory accessible and actionable, providing practical tools to improve relationships.

The book focuses on identifying your relationship style (and your partner's) based on attachment theory, helping you understand the strengths and challenges of your natural way of relating. It offers strategies to overcome rejection, break harmful patterns, and develop healthier ways of expressing and receiving love.

Key takeaways include:

Identifying your relationship style and your partner's
Understanding the strengths and challenges of each style
Recognizing and overcoming unhealthy patterns
Practical advice for better communication and love expression

Huge thanks to Dr. A for gifting me a copy, I'm looking forward to learning more from her insightful books! All opinions are my own.
Profile Image for Lisa Gray.
Author 2 books20 followers
February 14, 2024
I received this book free from Library Thing for my review. First of all, this is a very Christian book, which is not obvious from the cover or blurb. You could discover it from the author bio or publisher, but it’s still my pet peeve when that’s not super clear from the outset. This is a book about attachment styles, and not my favorite one. I vastly prefer Tatkin’s Wired for Love and his description of attachment styles as a wave, anchor & island. That just resonates for me. This book uses job descriptions - Firefighter, Investigator, Security Guard and Networker - to describe the styles. This is still better than anxious & avoidant as descriptors in my opinion, but not as good as Tatkins metaphor. You might like this book if you’d like a Christian based attachment book, or if Tatkin’s metaphor just does not speak to you, or if you just want to read everything about attachment you can get your hands on. It is well-written and easy to read.
Profile Image for Abi.
200 reviews12 followers
April 22, 2025
As someone who is only *slightly* interested in attachment theory, take my review with a grain of salt! If you are someone who really enjoys psychology and tying into theology you’ll probably enjoy this a lot more than I did.

This was okay. Honestly, I feel like it could have been much shorter and I skimmed a lot of this because it ended up feeling really, really repetitive. Learning about the four attachment styles and determining my own was interesting but I just didn’t need the in depth explanation of all the styles. I think if I stopped after chapter 3, and then reading some portions of the dedicated chapter for my style, I would have gotten all I needed without having to read the entire book.
Profile Image for Savannah Wallace.
232 reviews8 followers
July 1, 2024
i NEEDED this book!! a recent relationship has really turned me onto attachment styles and have been watching endless tik toks for months, but this book really just did it for me. pretty sure the whole book is highlighted….pls go read this
Profile Image for Dhruti.
161 reviews1 follower
May 3, 2024
I got this book as an Early Reviewer for Library Thing.
The first thing I want to say is that this is a very Christian faith based book looking at how to use faith in God to help with your attachment style troubles. However, the title and description of the book didn't make it clear that it was going to be faith based at all. Looking at the author bio, I can see that's her area, but I don't typically look at author bio before I read something, so I felt like this was a little misleading.
I did appreciate how the attachment styles were labeled to be more descriptive of what the person is like (Security Guard vs. avoidant attachment style). I requested this book because it's a topic I've been seeing more of lately, and I wanted to learn more. I do like how the styles were explained, but I find the four attachment style method to be overly simplistic, making it harder to identify what work you might need to do for yourself.
I also think the reasoning with caregivers may be focusing too much on early childhood. In my own personal life, I know a number of people who had great caregivers, but then had other problematic relationships later in life, that cause them to turn to some of these attachment styles. But, the focus again on childhood makes it a little harder to identify where you might fall if the unhealthy relationship wasn't in early childhood.
Some of the advice I found to be insightful (as a non-Christian), but other advice felt very much like I should trust God and that would solve my problems. Again, I'm not the audience for this book, so that's just my view on it as someone on the outside.
Profile Image for Anita Ojeda.
414 reviews14 followers
January 11, 2024
Do you know someone who always seems to be looking for love in all the wrong places? Or how about someone who acts like the Fort Knox of feelings and emotions? Maybe you’ve struggled to keep up with your people-pleasing habits and feel exhausted by the stress of making and keeping everyone happy.

Whatever the case, Dr. Anita Knight Kuhnley offers hope for you and the people you love. She believes knowing about attachment theory and understanding the four basic types of relationship styles will help us understand ourselves and the important people in our lives. Once we identify our relationship style, we can know how it affects others and consider ways to strengthen our strengths and shore up our weaknesses. It sounds like a win-win proposition!

Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages explains how each of us has a hierarchy of how we feel loved (and prefer to love others). Dr. Kuhnley’s four Relationship Styles explain our automatic responses to relationships with other people by explaining attachment theory.

Our earliest experiences with other humans (especially our primary caregivers) shape how we respond to relationships. A neglected child will react to future relationships (both platonic and romantic) differently than a child who grew up in a loving, stable home.

Dr. Kuhnley provides a self-testing activity based on research that helps readers identify their primary relationship style. Once we understand our style, we can work to change it. Knowledge is power.

If you feel like a relationship failure, Dr. Kuhnley offers hope. Maybe you struggle to understand a significant other in your life. Armed with knowledge about relationship styles, you’ll know how to support your loved one best.

What I Loved About This Book

I’ve always loved Chapman’s Five Long Languages because they explained how I could grow and love others in the way THEY felt most loved. But I’ve always wondered why the love languages didn’t work with some people. Despite my best efforts to love them according to their love language, they never fully accepted the love. Now I understand why.

My favorite takeaway from the entire book is QTIP: Quit Take It Personally. All too often, we sabotage our relationships. We take things personally because we don’t understand how people’s relationship styles (especially for those who don’t understand relationship styles) drive their behavior. Their responses and reactions aren’t BECAUSE of us; they are just reactions based on instinct.

The author maintains an accessible, non-academic style most of the time, making this a valuable book for consumers, therapists, and counselors. The Christian author offers practical steps readers can take (journaling, bibliotherapy, therapy, and Bible stories and verses) to understand and change their relationship styles. The book avoids religious cliches, and I highly recommend it to my Christian and non-Christian friends.

As an educator who works with students, most of whom come from insecure families of origin, this book provides valuable insight into how I can support my students.
8 reviews
January 27, 2026
This book was a great way to explore attachment styles. I liked the approach of renaming the attachment styles to be: the investigator, security guard, firefighter, and networker. While the test was quite short, making it difficult to identify what attachment style I displayed, through discussion with my therapist and the more detailed descriptions, I identified most closely to the security guard, although I had some resemblance to the other insecure attachments.

I appreciated the descriptions, backstory, and how to interact with each relationship style. This book ultimately gave me self compassion for my security guard tendencies and gave me hope that I can work on becoming more secure and developing lasting relationships. There are positives from being a security guard: I’m independent, resourceful, and have an organized approach; however, difficulty with being vulnerable is holding me back. I tend to avoid connections due to a intense fear of rejection and being abandoned.

Some ways I learned to heal from an insecure attachment style include implementing meta cognitive monitoring, where you are aware of what emotions you are feeling and thoughts you are thinking. Through journaling and using a feelings wheel, I’m able to process and properly reflect on those emotions.

While I’m sad I could not have learned and properly worked on my attachment style before the breakup, I take solace in the words shared in the last chapter that “pain is the price of love.” True love is a choice that requires real work, but when you experience it, it’s all worth it even if you have to eventually say goodbye due to death or breakup. Ultimately, this book told me that I don’t know what love really is yet, but also gave me the hope in continuing to look for love as “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Profile Image for Jenneth Leed.
80 reviews16 followers
January 13, 2026
Possibly the greatest regret in my life is not reading this book sooner.

This book described my problem so well. I'm avoidant (in this book, called "Security Guard") and tend to push people away because the pain of heartbreak is too much of a risk to find connection. Though the book says this problem often stems from parenting, in my case, it formed because of unreliable friends and bullies. I was taught through experience that it was dangerous to share my deepest emotions with my peers. Although I'm an open book (maybe too open) in other areas, the area of "love" is walled off. So much so that I couldn't even talk to my own family about it and would even scoff at the idea until recently.

Though the book's section about "me" was helpful, what was more revealing were the sections that described others I know. It helped me understand anxious types (in this book, called "Investigator), and how their emotions, overthinking, and second-guessing tangle up inside until they burn out. It helped me understand and empathize with them on a deeper level, and showed me ways that I, as an avoidant, may trigger their feelings of anxiety without realizing it.

Again, how I wish I could have read this book sooner...

Though, I would have liked if this book had just a few more hands-on suggestions in overcoming your own attachment styles, because most of the book's purpose was defining how each type of person thinks and processes their feelings. But that alone helped me understand people better, and gives me self-awareness that I'd need to improve my relations with others.
149 reviews5 followers
October 31, 2023
While The Four Relationship Styles certainly addresses a topic that has the potential to be highly academic, author Dr. Anita Knight Kuhnley does it in such a way that the everyday person can grasp it. She helps readers realize that we all have predictable ways of relating to our partners, but we are not stuck. In fact, she really helps readers understand that fact--you are not stuck. We can learn how to relate in healthier ways. The first step, though, is discovering the truth about how you relate, which Dr. Kuhnley helps the reader do. Then she firmly but lovingly helps readers understand the strengths and weaknesses of that style, but then how to move forward into healthier ways of relating. I found Dr. Kuhnley's style to be personal, relatable, and very practical and do-able in terms of how I can begin to incorporate small changes now that will pay big dividends in the long run. If you're looking to improve your relationships, this is a great place to start.

Thanks to NetGalley and Baker Books for this ARC.
Profile Image for Chiara | wordsbychiara.
712 reviews348 followers
February 8, 2025
This book isn't the type that I usually read, but I've already had the opportunity to read another book by Dr. Anita Knight Kuhnley and really enjoy her approachable narrative style. Also, the subject matter of this book is romance, and that's definitely something I love to read about!

Four Relationship Styles was a very insightful read. By explaining the science behind relationships, it offers help in overcoming feelings of rejection, recognizing harmful patters and--my favorite part--it helps you identify your relationship style (as well as that of your partner) through a quick test. The relationship styles, which are compared to professions, are also explained, highlighting strengths and weaknesses. It provides helpful tips to grow and maintain healthy relationships, so it's definitely a read I recommend if you're interested in this topic. However, I do want to mention that the analysis includes references to Christianity, which may not be every reader's preference.

Thank you to the author for the free copy! Opinions are my own.
44 reviews2 followers
January 26, 2024
This book is a great tool to understanding why we do the things we do when it comes to our relationships. There's a lot of research and depth of attachment theory in this book. She breaks down the four typical relationship styles we fall into and how they affect us. In having a better understanding of our relationship style we can improve and grow to better ourselves and our relationships. We all want that lasting love and this book teaches you how to recognize where we can improve our relationship style to get that loving and satisfying relationship we desire. I highly recommend this book especially if you enjoyed The 5 Love Languages.
Profile Image for Kristin- Kristin's Bookstack.
1,061 reviews9 followers
January 30, 2024
This self-help book is full of useful information about relationship types and how to interact with each one. It also includes a quiz to discover your relationship style so you can understand how to interact with others. I appreciated the religious spin on relationships by starting with Adam and Eve and their relationship with God. I found the book to be enlightening and refreshing! If you are looking for ways to strengthen your relationship with others, this is a good place to start!

Thank you to NetGalley and Baker Publishing Group for the ARC in exchange for my honest review!
Profile Image for Unleash The Knowledge.
143 reviews19 followers
January 31, 2024
Have you been stuck in a pattern of unsatisfying relationships?

You are not alone!

In Dr. Anita Knight Kuhnley’s new book, The Four Relationship Styles: How Attachment Theory Can Help You in Your Search for Lasting Love can teach you to recognize and get out of those negative relationship patterns.

She helps you identify your relationship style and all that comes with it to help you overcome your past tendencies.

Once you are armed with the knowledge and skills you will be on your way to getting that lasting love you desire.

Don’t wait! Get your copy today!
Profile Image for Deanna.
4 reviews
January 27, 2026
This book offers a clear guide to understanding different relationship styles, and it reminded me a lot of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Identifying your primary style, and learning which one your partner leans toward, makes it easier to communicate in ways that actually feel understood by both sides.

People are complicated, and that can make relationships challenging. The more we learn about those who are different than us, the better we are able to handle conflicts and respond in ways that strengthen the connection instead of creating distance.

Profile Image for Paige Sutterfield Yawson.
41 reviews3 followers
February 22, 2024
4.5 it was a good and very insightful read. The truths in it brought me to tears a few times, but the knowledge was necessary. I love that the author continuously points us to Jesus, the only love that is truly perfect.
120 reviews3 followers
March 4, 2024
As a beginner in counseling education, I appreciated this modality that has a strong Christian focus. Each relationship style had scriptural advice and how Faith can aid in an individual’s relationship journey.
Profile Image for Cheri Swalwell.
Author 74 books61 followers
March 25, 2024
This book was very informative and written with a psychological approach. It was really informative and I learned a lot. The examples and different stories were great to help explain a lot of the concepts and one came away after reading this book with a lot of insight and encouragement.
Profile Image for Christa.
Author 3 books28 followers
July 16, 2024
Dr. Anita does it again with compelling research and a huge heart and mind for couples and how we love. I adore how she merges love styles with attachment here and reminds us we can grow.
Profile Image for Katie Betts.
331 reviews177 followers
March 6, 2024
Delve into attachment theory to decode your relationship style and your partner's. Learn to navigate strengths and challenges, break free from unhealthy patterns, and foster deeper connections. With practical strategies, this book offers hope for those stuck in cycles of unsatisfying relationships, guiding them towards lasting love and fulfillment.

This book was so eye-opening. I haven’t read a book on attachment theory before, but I’ve listened to several speakers. There are few 'type'-focused self-help books that are clear enough for me to adequately determine my 'type.' Because this book offers a clear and concise roadmap to understanding and helping each of the 4 styles, I deciphered mine easily. Using accessible language, Dr. Knight Kuhnley uses your childhood attachment to identify how you will relate to romantic partners and how each of the 4 types relate to one another. She provides several application practices, including journaling prompts and bibliotherapy. Written from a Christian perspective, biblical narratives are included throughout, but because they are not a central focus, this book can easily be enjoyed by both Christians and non-Christians alike. I enjoyed the many other illustrations throughout, especially the inclusion of Anne of Green Gables 🥰 This book is written for every stage of a relationship, from single to married.

50% listened to the audiobook. 50% read the ebook. I enjoyed both formats. If you read this via audio only, the quiz is available online to view.

Perfect for you if you like:
Psychology and self-help books
Understanding relationship dynamics
Practical strategies for improving relationships

Similar to:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Securely Attached by Eli Marwood
Attached. by Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller
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