Get the Guy: How to Be the Kind of Woman the Kind of Man You Want to Marry Would Want to Marry, Christian Dating Book, Godly Femininity Books

by Douglas Wilson

“Where are all the guys? Where did they all go? If you and your friends are anything like the other young Christian women I know, your chief complaint has to do with the paucity of guys. And then, when you are looking at the handful of guys who do hang around in your church community, you think to yourself, as the saying goes, 'The odds may be good, but the goods are odd.' Heterosexual relationships are always cross-cultural, bilingual situations. You come from different worlds. He's a guy. They do things differently over there.” ~ from the book Douglas Wilson offers the simple, direct advice he's been giving young women for decades on how to notice and attract the right kind of man. You shouldn't feel ashamed about wanting a guy who is strong and capable of leading you. In fact, you should want someone who has the backbone to lovingly take charge even when you don't want to be led. Beyond that, it's best not to overcomplicate things. Guard your heart, keep your imagination under control ("I always thought I would marry someone who..."), and trust that God will take care of everything else.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Spirituality, Family

160 pages, Paperback

Published August 2, 2023

About the author

I write in order to make the little voices in my head go away. Thus far it hasn't worked.

Reviews

[Jenni Harper · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful! Practical advice given from Scripture and gently blunt in every facet of dating. Doug pretty much hits every topic for all single women to consider. This could even be a book to refer back to as a married woman.

[Caleb M. Powers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good.

[marthaj7 · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5.
this was quite good and helpful.
perhaps it was because i read it all in one day but i feel like i need to read/listen to it again to actually absorb it, so my rating may change lol.

[Eric Durso · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read with my oldest daughter. Super helpful.

[Danielle Bullen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was curious about this one, after seeing a quote from it, and it lived up to my expectations.

As with much of Doug Wilson's writing and speaking, I agreed with much of what he has to say (in this case even most) but frequently not the way he says it. In this book, that was especially true in the first few chapters, or 'letters'. It seemed unnecessarily crass in a few places, especially for a book written to young Christian women.

There was one part in particular that I thought was unnecessary and inappropriate, relating to sex and men in there, that surprised me and I would have probably referred this book to young women without. With, I am uncertain. It would depend on the young lady.

On the whole, a lot of good things to say. A lot of solid advice. A little bit of eh.

[Rachel Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book I wish I had as a young woman. Our girls will be reading this from a young age no doubt. He takes the principles of scripture and applies them deftly in practical ways that addresses the heart and will equip young women to be the Godly woman and godly man not only needs but wants as well. Reading this as a married woman has helped me learn how to better respect my husband and complement him in the role he had in raising our girls. I am now better equipped to love our girls and raise them in the Lord.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid book. I read this prior to giving to my 15-year-old daughter. Not much new in terms of our current understanding, but helpful to be reminded of these things. I know many women who would have done well to understand these concepts at a young age, especially the need to destroy the modern myth of "the one."

[Michael Collings]

This is a very good companion work to “get the girl…” also by Doug Wilson. Both books should be included in one volume, and read by both guys and girls. If only I had the opportunity to read these books as a young man, I would have avoided many pitfalls and blunders in courtship, dating, and general relationships with the opposite sex!

[Amelia Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

You could definitely argue over some of the particulars, but the principles were good.

[Emily Voeller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audiobook. I always have mixed feelings about Doug Wilson’s writing style. It can tend towards crude, but he’s very straightforward, he tells it like it is, and often has helpful analogies. For me this book had enough great reminders and advice in it to get me past his writing style. I would recommend to any young woman who is looking towards navigating dating, engagement, and relationships with guys in general, even if just to get another perspective on the matter. To me, everything that Wilson presents in the book as “ideal” is perfectly logical to me and the way that I hope to approach dating, etc.

[Caroline Bear · Rating 5 out of 5]

Doug is off in so many places but when it comes to dating he knows what’s up.

This book covered a lot (modesty, attraction, gender roles, father-daughter relationships, singleness, etc) very concisely and in the no-nonsense way he writes.
Many of the chapters were Blog and Mablog episodes that I’ve listened to frequently so it’s nice to have them all in one place. I’m sure I’ll read this again fairly soon.

[Alannah Dormer · Rating 5 out of 5]

To any young Christian woman hoping to one day be married, READ THIS BOOK!! Douglas Wilson presents thoroughly Scriptural advice for young ladies that is absolutely paramount to approaching dating wisely. Wish I had gotten ahold of this book earlier, but I will be recommending it to so many people (there's also a version for guys called "Get the Girl"!).

[Michael Mora]

Definitely recommended reading for young, single Christian women. Men, if you have any marriage aged sisters or daughters who are still single, this would be a good book to read and discuss with them.

[Ben Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I definitely need to reread this here in about ten years when my oldest daughter gets to that age!

Very good book from Douglas Wilson

[Saolomon Mouacheupao · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not PC in your Doug Wilson kind of way. But super practical.

[✨Ruthie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my goodness, an AMAZING book!! Really woke me up to so many things!!

[Spork · Rating 1 out of 5]

If, for some reason, you really want to read this, I would recommend that you do so on Doug’s blog rather than paying for the book in any format.

As per the cover, this book is composed of letters from the “legendary Dear Darla series.” With whom are they legendary, you ask? More on that later. For now, let’s just be glad that poor Darla is fictional.

In a rather inauspicious move, Doug starts the first letter by misinterpreting scripture. And when I say that he’s misinterpreting scripture rather than intentionally, selectively quoting in order to make it sound as though it says something that it doesn't, I’m being very charitable. It could be either, but knowing that Doug has a preference for the KJV, and that he knows little (if any) Biblical Greek, I’m giving him the excuse of poor reading comprehension.

The thesis of the letter is that young, Christian women should get married and have children. Indeed, to fail to do so is a sin: “women who turn aside after Satan are women who avoid marriage,” Doug writes. To support this, he quotes 1 Timothy 5:14-15. And it sounds pretty airtight–until you actually read the verses in context and realize that Paul is talking about young widows, not young women who have never been married. And the “turning aside after Satan” bit relates to being idle and spreading gossip, not simple failure to pursue marriage. Marriage is recommended to these women as a means to give them something productive to do. Of course, the KJV translates νεωτερος in verse 5:15 as “younger women,” so I can understand the Wilsonite reading without context. Even in the KJV, though, the context makes it very clear that this verse is referencing the widows being discussed in the previous several verses. Many other translations (NSV, ESV, and even NKJV) render it as “younger widows,” which makes sense because the word itself simply means “the younger.” In the context, it seems downright obvious to me that νεωτερος is referencing widows who are on the young side. You could certainly make the argument that these verses should apply to young, never-before-married women like Darla, but it’d be an argument you’d have to make. It is not the straightforward meaning of the text. And Doug entirely mangles the meaning of 5:15. Speaking of context, we should remember that 1 Corinthians 7 exists.

Because the necessity of marriage for women is the central thesis that drives all of Doug’s advice, it’s not exactly heartening that his prooftext doesn’t say what he thinks it does. Still, I tried to set that aside and take his advice as I found it.

Unfortunately, I think the advice is generally not very good.

The first five or so letters are relatively uncontroversial (at least for readers who already adhere to conservative, Christian values in a general way). Doug argues that the current cultural and political climate is not conducive to marriage, and there’s some truth to that (though I think there might be a few factors at play other than feminism). Therefore, he recommends things that most potential readers would have few quibbles with: modesty, understanding towards the opposite sex, and dignity and good nature towards other women. There are moments where he generalizes broadly about the differences between men and women (perhaps even so broadly as to be unhelpful), but at least he acknowledges that he’s generalizing. There are some implied contradictions that I’d elaborate on if I had more space. But it’s not all bad.

The first I find really noteworthy is “Staying Out of Cartoon World,” in which Doug returns to a common theme: women should respect their husbands. Therefore, when selecting a husband, a young woman should actually seek to be hypergamous. She should not marry someone who is less intelligent than she is. She should marry someone who will be able to compel her to do what he commands, even if she does not want to. I do want to point out that Doug has said elsewhere that Christians shouldn’t artificially denigrate women in order to achieve patriarchy, which is actually (comparatively) rather refreshing on its face. But take that, and remember that almost all young people ought to get married because that’s what their God-given natures prepare them for. And recall that women ought to “marry up.” And you can do the math and discover pretty quickly what Doug thinks–logically, must think, unless he’s lying to himself–of women's general intelligence and capability. Not to mention the unflattering implications for men (you’ll have to marry someone who’s dumber than you in order to command respect).

More issues start to crop up when Doug explains the specifics of how to attract–and know you’re attracted to–the right sort of man. This starts in “Laws of Attraction,” in which Doug describes the sort of young man Darla should be seeking as follows:

”I am not talking someone who causes schoolgirl flutters, but rather someone you look up to and respect. This is because respect is an erotic necessity, and for many women it is an unrecognized erotic necessity.”

To back this assertion up, Doug quotes not from scripture but from That Hideous Strength, rehashing that infamous quote from his own book Fidelity in the process (warning: the linked post is Wilson at his Wilsoniest). He then continues:

”So he must be attractive to you, but you must also have a good understanding of the laws of attraction. If you are not attracted to a guy because he is a milksop, you shouldn’t feel bad about that. You are pleasing God through not being attracted. You are doing your duty. But if there is a guy you actually do respect, but you are not crushing on him, or your heart is not doing a gymnastic floor exercise, and as a result you worry that you are not “attracted,” this means you that probably are misinterpreting the laws of attraction at the deeper level. [...] But you might think you are not attracted to a guy because you are nervous about where he might lead you. Not so good.”

Doug seems to be drawing a false dichotomy here between superficial crushes and respect. But I can assure you that cold respect alone does not constitute attraction. I won’t go into detail, but I think I have more experience in being attracted to men than Doug Wilson does (unless there’s something he isn’t telling us). Perhaps he’s operating under the unspoken assumption that women should not experience any other components of attraction until after marriage, but he doesn’t say so.

"The Art of Attraction" is also notable. In this letter, Doug tells Darla how to be physically attractive to a young man. She shouldn’t be immodest, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be pretty. Old Testament women were occasionally observed to be pretty, so Christian women should be pretty too. While he doesn’t tell Darla exactly what to wear, or how to do her makeup, she certainly should “adorn” herself with “the inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” Apparently this inner beauty will make her outwardly, physically attractive. He really seems to believe this, though he doesn’t state it outright here. He closes by warning her that she won’t be attractive anymore after her twenties. So I guess gentle and quiet spirits have a shelf life. Or maybe Doug is just conflating a natural reality with a scriptural principle, as he’s done in so many other places.

Most of the remaining letters alternate between generalizations about attraction between men and women and practical advice for the rituals of courtship. The generalizations don’t add much to what has already been said, but the courtship advice is somewhat interesting because it reveals just how far Doug is willing to go in order to differentiate gender roles. “The Kill Switch and the Steering Wheel” is particularly instructive (though not really original among the courtship movement).

In this letter, Darla is instructed to never take the “steering wheel” of a relationship–that is, to set the speed and tone. That should be left to the young man courting her. However, she does have a “kill switch,” which means she can refuse to go on the next date if she feels the young man is moving too slowly. If the young man asks why she’s doing this, Doug advises Darla to avoid directly telling him and instead refer him to her father, who will explain the decision on her behalf.

Much ink has been spilled over the topic of courtship (whether it’s reasonable, whether it’s biblical, and whether it even works are hotly contested). In the absence of stats, all I can do on the last question is add my own anecdotal observations to the pile. The absolute worst cases of heartbreak I’ve ever seen were a direct result of young people applying this model of courtship (or having it applied to them). In some cases, one person was following these rules and the other wasn’t; in other cases, both were trying to apply this advice. All parties had been briefed on the importance of guarding their hearts. It didn’t save them. I don’t even think it’s possible to seriously consider someone for marriage without developing feelings for that person—unless you don’t actually really want to marry that person at all. And regarding the first two questions: any model of courtship in which you must refuse to answer a direct question and instead refer someone to your father for a direct answer seems a bit stupid to me. And this model is not commanded in the Bible.

Then we get to the Freudian bits. I don’t have a problem with a young woman respecting her father, but I do find it a little odd when she’s instructed to write him a “respect letter” that will “purge” any latent feminism she might be harboring and, in so doing, make her “demeanor” more attractive (see “The Right Kind of Beauty Treatment”). Then, in “A Different Kind of Daddy Issue,” Doug writes extensively about how Darla might have a hard time transferring the respect she has built up for her father over to her new husband. Remember that, in Wilsonland, respect is attraction…

I could go on (about Doug’s unironic use of the terms “alpha” and “beta” to categorize men, or about his apparent belief that women think romcoms are realistic, or any number of other things), but I think the samples I’ve described are representative enough. I can say this for the book: it’s mercifully short. Other than that, I can’t find enough redeeming qualities to justify the 4+ star rating it currently has. There seems to be a bit of selection bias going on here: as a rule, the only people who bother to read and review Doug Wilson books are people who already like Doug Wilson. Meanwhile, his critics seem to glance off the surface of his oeuvre, latching on to one or two of his more outrageous quotes without looking too closely at the context. What a shame.

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good (and quick) read for parents raising daughters.

[Samuel Ratliff · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, I want to acknowledge that this is another excellent book by Doug Wilson. I wholeheartedly agree with about 95% of it. However, there are a few key points where I believe he misses the mark.

One such issue is his stance on women initiating relationships. While I agree in principle that men should generally take the lead in each aspect of the relationship, I don’t think it’s entirely wrong for a woman to express interest or suggest the possibility of a relationship. Even Wilson himself uses Ruth and Boaz as a positive example later in the book—an instance where Ruth clearly took initiative. The important distinction is that while a man should lead once a relationship begins, a woman signaling interest isn’t inherently improper.

Another major point of disagreement comes in the final chapter, where Wilson asserts that sex is a requirement for marriage and goes as far as to say that if a couple is physically incapable of sexual intimacy, they are incapable of being married. I find this view deeply flawed. He later states that he has "no objection" to such couples living together, though he does not consider it a true marriage. This stance raises significant concerns—does this imply that a couple can live together, function in every way as husband and wife, but not be considered married simply because they cannot engage in physical intimacy? If his position is that it's not true marriage, then he cannot say that he has "no objection."

To illustrate the issue, let’s consider a thought experiment: Suppose a man is physically incapable of intercourse but is otherwise able to fulfill every other aspect of marriage, including having children through medical means and sexually gratifying his spouse, and while it may be difficult, can be sexually gratified by his spouse. If, after 10 years and a few difficult fights, the couple were to wish for divorce, would it be proper for the man to leave his "wife" and children because it wasn't a true marriage in the first place? Such an extreme conclusion exposes possible flaws in Wilson’s argument.

Despite these disagreements, this book offers much wisdom and insight. I just urge readers to approach certain conclusions with discernment.

[Caroline Parkinson · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are some good, helpful, and true things in this book. I appreciated the chapter on modesty and the idea that a woman should be attractive without being an attraction, the suggestion of having a list of priorities so you don't enter a relationship that will go nowhere, the importance of respecting the man you're dating, and the last chapter explaining that the wedding adorns the marriage but should not turn into a spectacle that becomes an end in itself.
However, Wilson also gives some terrible advice, especially in chapter 16 where he states that a woman should never ask with her own mouth about the status of the relationship but rather use her dad as a mouthpiece to communicate her discontent with the pace things are moving. His point is that a woman shouldn't try to grab the steering wheel and control the pace of the relationship (which is true), but instead of communicating in a clear, humble, and loving way, what he advocates for is actually manipulation so that she gets her way, i.e., grabbing the steering wheel. Such action isn't just unhelpful, it's hurtful, disrespectful, and wrong. Thinking back over the book I'm starting to think that Wilson doesn't have a problem with manipulation, so long as it isn't overtly sexual.
There are also instances where I believe he misapplies scripture or ignores it altogether. He demands humility from both parties yet fails to display it himself, speaking with neither gentleness nor respect as he seems wont to do
I wanted to give this book a better rating because there is truly practical good in it and I didn't want the negatives to outweigh the positives, but the truth is I don't feel I could recommend it to any woman that needed these teachings for fear she would toss out the good teaching with the bad, and any woman mature enough to discern between what is helpful and unhelpful probably doesn't need it. So while I appreciate the good things in this book, there are much better ones out there and those will be the books I recommend and revisit myself.

[Éowyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Seems good, but I actually found ‘Get the Girl: How to be the Kind of Man the Woman You Would Want to Marry, Would Want to Marry’ to be a bit more helpful. It was great advice - but I for me the most helpful part is that I realised I can only do so much, and that is be Godly, go to places where good guys are and pursue something worthwhile. In my life, it is more helpful at times to understand what a good guy should be acting like than how I should act to attract one, although both are very important. This depends on the person and the situation. Working on both helps.

[Alesha · Rating 4 out of 5]

A mostly very solid, helpful, and practical read. Definitely disagreed with a couple points (mainly relating to how women are apparently ‘leading a relationship’ if they dare to ask a man “what are we?” and then some other things relating to a father’s role…I think Wilson was kind of pushing it with certain things).
I also wish Wilson would’ve given more specific examples that could help to actually apply his ideas, but overall, this was well done.

[Kaycie Clemans · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic. Pastor Wilson says the true yet taboo things in a festive fashion. Felt my feminist hackles raised—which is good for recognition.

Don’t totally agree with some of the courtship thoughts. But need to think about.

[Noah Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book since I have two little girls that will one day need dad’s discipleship and leadership in getting the guy. Phenomenal read! Practical for dads and children. This is a book I’ll read many times as my girls grow up and mature!

[Gloriana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent advice.
I was slightly miffed that it was mostly 'don'ts' and not 'dos' until someone pointed out that the guy should definitely be the initiator. I agree (though I sometimes have problems with that).
Glad I own it now!

[Mark Stacy II · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the companion volume to Get The Girl. It is written from the perspective of a series of letters written by a wise uncle to his niece. Easy read full of excellent advice for single ladies.

[Shannon Majeski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read.

[Madeline Doornink · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good. I listened to this to brush up on wisdom for how to think about singleness, especially as I try to be a good friend to my single sisters and friends.

[Ben Sibley · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5? Seems decent, I'm obviously not the target audience, so it doesn't exactly speak to me, but I have and will recommend it you young ladies periodically.

[Jesus Salgado · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has a lot of practical wisdom. Short but helpful.