Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential

by John Neffinger, Matthew Kohut, Tim Andrés Pabon (Reading)

How People Judge You-And How To Come Out Looking Good

You will never look at people the same way again-including yourself-after this lively look at how we make character judgments.

Drawing on cutting-edge social science research as well as their own work with Fortune 500 executives, members of Congress, and Nobel Prize winners, authors Matt Kohut and John Neffinger demystify the process we use to size each other up. It turns out that we judge each other primarily on two critical criteria: strength and warmth. The authors explain the inner workings of each, the tension that makes it so hard to project both at once, and the successful strategies that the most admired among us use to win respect and affection.

Offering practical advice for a range of common and challenging situations, Compelling People shows you not just how people already see you, but how to make sure your best qualities shine through.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Business, Self Help, Leadership, Communication, Personal Development

Audio

First published August 15, 2013

Reviews

[Jon · Rating 1 out of 5]

compel: to exert a strong irresistible force on. To overpower. To force to submit.

This book has nothing do do with compelling anyone. It's not even a book. At best, it's supporting marketing material that should be sold at the author's seminars.

It's poorly written, unscientific, and there is nothing in it that will help anyone compel anyone else. The only reason that I can think of that "Compelling" made it into the title is that a book called "Two Car Salesmen Frat Boys Spout Off Randomly for 250 Pages" probably wouldn't drive enough sales to cover costs.

This entire book can be summed up in one sentence: Project strength and warmth. That's it. Other than that, it feels like two frat boys sat down over a bag of Cheetos and said, "Bro. Let's write a book about making people do stuff for us."

This is the only way that I can figure out some of the language.

Within 40 pages, a strong woman will be called a bitch.

A little later, (p 43) there's an extensive, racially charged quote from Spike Lee's Do The Right Thing. While an excellent movie, including the scene in this book could've only been included after an extensive bout of beer pong.

Within the first 50 pages, strong women are bitches, and heavily charged racial slurs are unnecessarily thrown around. What's left?

Page 69:

"How gaydar works is a perennially popular topic of argument. Gay people can signal with nonverbal cues, with men using more feminine cues and gay women using more masculine. Gaydar also works through cultural cues: That well-dressed guy with the defined muscles talking about his love for show tunes could be straight, but chances are he is not."

The theme recurs on page 98:

"Man hugs (or 'bro hugs')...[project] both warmth and comfort with one's masculinity ('See, I can hug a man and be straight')."

The authors can allegedly execute a "bro hug" without being inadvertently penetrated, but that's because they can spot gay people with their "gaydar."

But then, how much stock can you put in the immature. Look at this sentence on page 79:

"Closing distance is also what we typically do when projecting warmth. This happened in all sorts of ways, from confiding secrets to huddling in cold weather for physical warmth to getting down between the sheets.[emphasis added]"

Is there anyone who uses the phrase "getting down between the sheets" without wiggling their eyebrows? Should someone use it in a example when talking about closing distance to exert pressure? Not unless you're immature or foolish.

p 161:

"Just about every crude four letter word has an Anglo root, giving it a stronger sound than the Latin version. The Romans said fornicate, we say..."

Maybe they're just immature?

p 201. If you feel like an imposter, act like Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me if You Can. Let me rephrase more bluntly: If you feel like a fake, fake it more.

And foolish?

This is sexist, racist, homophobic, and immature, without providing a scrap of useful information. It's a conversation over beer pong in a sticky basement. It's a waste of time.

[Kara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book starts by explaining strength versus warmth (and how both are necessary), moves into how people view you, and then slides into strategies for being a more influential person.

The whole book is built around the premise that you can do warm things and you can do strong things but the most compelling people do both and know when and how to use each.

I almost gave this book two stars during its "The Hand You are Dealt" section (the one I refer to above as "how people view you"). I get what the authors are doing, but it's page after page of stereotypes to combat. As a petite, non-white, female, that's a lot of stereotypes about myself to wade through, and they get a bit exhausting. But they're there for a reason, and the authors make it clear that they're not endorsing these stereotypes in any way just that we must be aware of them from the start.

The next section, "Playing the Hand," gets into strategies you can use to compel people. And this, combined with the next section on real world applications, is the real meat of the book. This is where you get gems like:

"Don't tell your audience about your experience, like you are reciting your resume. Tell them about your experiences, like you are reliving them with your audience along for the ride."

"The simple truth is that if you want to be admired, you have to be liked. And if you want to be liked, you have to like people."

And my favorite:

"Watch out for small women...many petite professional women have also adopted the hard handshake as a discreet way to convey that although they are of smaller stature and may not naturally project much strength, they are not to be messed with."

(I totally do this!)

I can certainly imagine lending this book out to coworker friends. While there's nothing terribly groundbreaking here, it's well put together, enjoyable to read, and rife with great examples.

-----

Received through 12 books.

[Larry Coleman · Rating 1 out of 5]

Deep as a puddle and twice as wet.

[Mohammad · Rating 3 out of 5]

ایده کلی کتاب اینه که چیزی که باعث می‌شه تا ما جذاب بشیم و بتونیم مورد احترام و علاقه دیگران باشیم دو چیزه: قدرت و گرما. قدرت یعنی توانایی توی انجام کارها و میزان اراده افراد و منظور از گرما هم احساسیه که وقتی حس می‌کنیم که کسی توی احساسات، علایق و دیدگاه ما با ما اشتراک داشته باشه و با همدردی کنه. کسی که دارای قدرت جلوه کنه، احساس احترام رو توی ما برانگیخته می‌کنه و کسی که گرمای شخصیتش رو به ما نشون بده، حس دوست داشتن و پذیرفتن رو توی ما تحریک می‌کنه.
نکته قابل تامل در مورد این دو عامل توی شخصیت افراد اینه که معمولا کاری که باعث افزایش قدرت می‌شه، گرما رو کاهش می‌ده و برعکس. البته خود این ویژگی‌ها توی شخصیت ما همزمان وجود دارن و حتا می‌تونن همزمان با هم افزایش پیدا کنن. اصلا بهترن روش برای کاریزماتیک بودن هم اینه که هر دوی این ویژگی‌ها رو تا حد ممکن بالا ببریم. منتها توی موقعیت‌های مختلف رفتار ما خیلی تعیین کننده می‌شه.
قدرت یک ویژگی مردانه است که مستقیما تحت تاثیر هورمون تستاسترونه و گرما یک ویژگی زنانه است که تحت تاثیر هورمون‌های استروژن و آکسیتاکسینه.
چون جذابیت توی ذهن افراد دیگه‌ای غیر از ما اتفاق می‌افته، در نتیجه، انتظارات و استریوتایپ‌هایی که توی ذهن اونها وجود داره روی میزان جذابیت ما تاثیرگذاره. مثلا از مردها انتظار می‌ره تا قدرت بیشتری از خودشون نشون بدن تا گرما. مثلا اگر مردی از شکست خوردن عصبانی بشه در برابر مردی که شکست رو به راحتی بپذیره معمولا احترام بیشتری داره چون نشون می‌ده از نرسیدن به استانداردهای بالایی که داشته ناامید شده و فرض می‌شه که این خشم باعث می‌شه تا دفعات بعد بهتر کار کنه. همین طور چون معمولا مردها قوی‌تر دونسته می‌شن، نشون دادن گرما نشونه ضعفه. اما در مقابل اگه زنی بخواد قدرت خودش رو نشون بده، مردم واکنش منفی‌ای دارن که دو دلیل داره: یکی اینکه نشون دادن قدرت باعث می‌شه تا بی احساس جلوه کنن و دلیل بعدی اینه که این رفتار انتظارات مردم رو نقض کرده.
خیلی از قضاوت‌های افراد در مورد بقیه تحت تاثیر ویژگی‌های جسمی اوناست که فرد تا حد زیادی کنترلی روی اونا نداره. نژاد، جنیست، قد، وزن، سن و موارد مشابه. بعضی از قضاوت‌ها هم تحت تاثیر چیزهای ظاهریه که تقریبا تحت کنترل خودمونه. مثل مدل مو، بهداشت و آرایش، پوشاک، جواهرات، نحوه صحبت کردن. البته این قضاوت فقط یک قضاوت اولیه است و رفتار ما عاملیه که تعیین کننده نهایی جذابیت ماست. منتها خیلی از رفتارهای ما به صورت ناخودآگاه اتفاق می‌افته. مثلا زبان بدنمون.
بعد از اینکه کتاب این موضوعات رو توی بخش اول و دوم می‌گه، توی بخش سوم کلا به زبان بدن و تن صدا و ... اختصاص پیدا می‌کنه و فصل چهارم هم نحوه رفتار مناسب توی موقعیت‌های مختلف مثل مصاحبه کاری، اداره، مهمونی و ... رو بررسی می‌کنه.

[Shuan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Content matches title very well - highly recommended

One of the best books about influence and charm. The concept is simple and convincing: compelling people demonstrate strength and warm. And the authors provide examples of how that can be done in different contexts. I find the book extremely insightful.

Good read, highly recommended.

[Wayne McCoy · Rating 3 out of 5]

'Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make US Influential' by John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut is the kind of business book that takes a good idea and stretches it out into book length.

The authors assert that influential leadership can be attained between a balance of strength and warmth. One is respect, the other is affection. Numerous examples are given. Body language tips are given. How to dress and stand to project either, and the consequences of having too much of one or the other are shown. That is the basic premise of this 304 page book.

I'm not sure how it ties into compulsion, except people are drawn to leaders who are strong and warm. They are certainly good skills, but I think they also have to be genuine to your character. You can fake these things, but people can usually spot fake warmth. Genuine strength and warmth are compelling. Reading a 300 page book reiterating the poing over and over was less compelling.

I received a review copy of this ebook from Penguin Group, Hudson Street Press, and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you for allowing me to review this ebook.

[Kurtbg · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a type of book that gets updated every decade. It established how one can fake it as a successful person by imitating body posture and engaging in conversation like a powerful and successful person. Granted, if you are in a position of manager or above and have the skillsets for the job, but just don't quite connect with people, this type of book can help you identify improvements to the way you interact with subordinates, peers, and the corporate rungs out of reach. On the downside, people these types of books show you how to fake it until you make it - which is really about emulating dominant behavior. It's up to you whether you choose to rule through fear or through experienced and professional warmth. In the end, most people use rely on the bully pulpit of their positions - and the subordinated follow.

[Shawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

'Compelling People' focuses on the dichotomy between 'strength' and 'warmth', two character traits seemingly at odds with one another, which help people influence others both for good and bad. I found it to be an interesting exercise in self-reflection as I considered in which areas of my life I ought to either hone my strength or warmth to effect change. Development of either or both traits does not need to be superficial or merely for ulterior motives, though some certainly wield them in that way to accomplish selfish interests.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

"When we work with our clients, one of the first concepts we introduce is something we call 'the circle.' Imagine your audience as a person you are trying to persuade to support you in something. Not having much by way of art skills, we usually just draw a stick figure to help visualize this person. Next we draw a big circle around our little stick figure. This divides the world in tow. People who understand the world the way your audience does belong inside the circle, next to the stick figure. They literally have common sense: They share in common the same sense of the way things are in life. People who don't understand the world the way your audience does belong outside the circle. They are out of touch.

"What does this little doodle have to do with communication? It is a simple picture that reminds you what you have to do to communicate effectively with any audience: Your first job is to get in the circle. Because the circle is not just a Venn diagram of your audience's frame of reference--it is also the radius of your audience's hearing."

"When someone starts talking to you, you are presented with two questions. One is whether what they are saying makes sense to you. But before you answer that question, you first consider a different question: Is this person worth listening to? Do they understand how the world works--in other words, are they capable? And what is their agenda in talking with you--are they friend or foe? If you don't see that person as both strong, in the sense of having a grasp of the issue they're talking about, and warm, in the sense that they are on your side, you will discount everything they say accordingly, if you even bother to listen at all.

"You face the same challenge with your own audience. You can talk all day long, but if your audience does not see you as belonging in that circle with them, they will not listen. They may hear you, but your words are just so much noise washing over them. They will not seriously consider adopting your point of view. You will remain an outsider who does not get it.

"This circle is definitely not the most precise scientific representation of the process of interpersonal communication. But whatever it lacks in analytical rigor, it makes up for in universality. There is something about a circle--it is just such an archetypal image--that it resonates with us. And the idea behind this primitive little sketch is as powerful as it is simple: You are either inside or outside, and if you're outside, nobody will listen to you. That's why your first task when you open your mouth is to get yourself in that circle." (145-6)

****

"So how does one get in your audience's circle? By now we know lots of ways to project warmth: You can smile; you can do people favors. Noe of this is necessarily wrong, and all the usual ways of projecting warmth can certainly help. At bottom, though, what your audience is looking for is to know that you are on the same emotional page as they are. The key to getting in the circle, then, is simple: Show your audiece that you feel the same way they do. Validate their feelings.

"If your audience is frustrated about an issue and you are too, show your frustration. If your audience is happy about something and so are you, share your happiness. If you and your audience are ambivalent about an issues, show that you are torn...

"If this sounds easy so far, it is. But it is also incredibly easy to overlook this step. Especially when you generally feel the same way your audience does, expressing that may feel like stating the obvious, a waste of time. It is not. The more you demonstrate your warmth first, the more believable you will be when you eventually make your point. What's more, if your point boils down to asking people to support a position they already know you hold, your argument may actually be superfluous. It may well do more to win an audience over to your position to show warmth and make them like you personally than to present a sound logical argument.

"When you do not agree with an audience or even necessarily feel the same way they do, then getting in the circle is even more important, but definitely not so easy. The same basic concepts still apply: You still have to connect with your audience both emotionally and conceptually, even though you largely disagree with them. How does that work?

"First and foremost, you need to empathize. You have to identify something that your audience is feeling that you can feel too, and then show them you feel it too. It is important to stay true to yourself and your views as long as you know they are correct. But it is also true that if you want to communicate effectively, you have to be willing to do the hard work of empathy. If you want people to take your point of view seriously, you first have to be willing to take their point of view seriously. That is the deal, and it is totally, brutally fair. So identify what kinds of emotions your audience is feeling, then put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself why they're feeling that way...

"Begin by asking yourself what it is about their circumstances that could legitimately make them feel one of those feelings. If your audience is feeling hateful, you don't want to share that feeling, but you might empathize with the frustration that ushered in that hate...You can empathize with their sense of being mistreated without agreeing about who is to blame. That's usually as far into their darkness as you need to venture. Just ask yourself: If you had walked the same path, might you feel the same way?

"You have to meet your audience where you find them before they will walk with you. See what they see, feel what they feel, and then find some part of their emotional experience that you can genuinely empathize with." (147-8)

****

"Don't tell your audience about your experience like you are reciting your resume. Tell them about your experiences like you are reliving them with your audience along for the ride." (155)

****

"Remember your circle for a second. Initially it divides you from your audience: You are on the outside; they are on the inside. But when you're inside that circle with them, there is no more 'you' and 'they'--now there is 'we', and you speak of your shared feelings and experiences using 'we' and 'us' and 'our'. These seemingly innocuous little pronouns are circle language. They group people, together or separated, drawing and patrolling the boundaries of the circle you are trying to get inside. The difference between 'You're right to feel that way' and 'We're right to feel this way' can easily be the difference between patronizing your audience and leading them to a new point of view.

"Don't tell other people how they fell. Show them how you both feel, and tell them about the common ground you share." (155)

****

"When an argument starts, persuasion stops. A group of researchers including psychologist Drew Westen conducted a revealing experiment, which Westen wrote about in his book The Political Brain. In the heated election campaign of 2004, the researchers found supporters of presidential candidates George Bush and John Kerry and took MRI pictures of their brains as they watched video footage of their favorite candidate completely contradicting himself. So what happened in people's brains when they saw information that contradicted their worldview in a charged political environment? AS soon as they recognized the video clips as being in conflict with their worldview, the parts of the brain that handle reason and logic went dormant. And the parts of the brain that handle hostile attacks--the fight-or-flight response--lit up.

"This is what happens when a discussion becomes an argument. It's no longer an exercise in logic and reasoning. It's just a fight. And being in a fight brings its own frame of mind, a whole set of attitudes, expectations, and conditioned reactions that go along with arguing. As soon as that happens, no one cares who is right and who is wrong. All that matters is who is friend and who is foe. So if you are trying to win over someone whose natural allegiances are not with you, getting into an argument is a sure way to fail.

"Your best hope of persuasion is to keep things nonconfrontational, a friendly conversation about a shared problem. do not let the other side turn it into an argument. Keep everyone's anxiety down and blood pressure low. Keep pointing out the common ground, expressing the shared emotions. Persevere in being pleasant. Because avoiding the argument is your best chance of winning it.

"It is worth noting one final benefit. Unlike in the nonverbal realm, where projecting more warmth undermines your perceived strength, projecting warmth verbally by getting in the circle opens the door to projecting strength verbally by compellingly presenting new ideas." (159-160)

[Kate Foley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty outdated and focuses on sex differences only bring hormonal, doesn’t focus too much on race, ethnicity, socio-economic status as much.

[Olivia Heisterkamp · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. From the start, I was having trouble differentiating what parts of this book were based on opinion/the authors’ personal experiences and what were findings from reputable studies since they quickly blew through concepts page after page. The authors continually failed to properly cite evidence to back up their points and each subsection was grossly oversimplified. Reading this felt like reading a high school essay sourced from notes they copied off of Wikipedia. I kept going hoping I would find some redeeming qualities but ultimately gave up after the first 100 pages.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting conceptualization on strength vs. warmth and how to grow both.

[Matthew DiTullio · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical wisdom for real-life and self-reflection.

Applicable to the workforce, personal relationships, and the social sphere generally.

[Kirstin · Rating 4 out of 5]

www.justtoomanybooks.wordpress.com

Compelling People: the Hidden Qualities that Make Us Influential
John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut

This book was something new for me: the first time I voluntarily read a book from the business section. But it was well worth my time.

The basic premise of Neffinger and Kohut is that influence is based on a balance of two traits: strength and warmth. Too much strength and you elicit fear; too much warmth and you elicit pity. But get the balance right and you have that elusive quality called charisma, and you gain admiration and influence.
The authors go on to talk about many traits which can project either warmth or strength -including gender, height, and appearance- as well as specific steps to balance those areas. They also address numerous aspects of both work and personal life, including job interviews, giving speeches, and dating.

I'm a manager at my job, so I needed this book. I always thought charisma was something people were gifted with- you either have it or you don't! - but apparently its a skill that can be practiced. I need to solicit some feedback as to what I need to project more: warmth or strength. But I will start doing charisma exercises immediately!
One thing I plan to put into practice is a body language trick the authors recommend. They say to imagine holding a beach ball at the end of your arms- you can make it larger or smaller, and even shrink it to fit in one hand- but it keeps you from hand gestures that are subservient, confrontational and closed. Let the awkward gesturing commence!

I needed this book in my professional life, but you don't need to be a manager- or even employeed outside your home- to benefit from Compelling People. I appreciate any and all tools that give me a perspective into the behavior of humans (myself as well as others.) This book opened a window I had never previously looked through.

[Gordon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book with the simple thesis that there are two qualities that make people "compelling" to other people: warmth and strength. The challenges are that you have to actually be / feel those two traits and you have to know how to express them. Not only that, since warmth and strength are to some degree in direct conflict with each other, you have to be able to carefully balance them.

Co-authors Neffinger and Kohut also touch on other models of personality and character, such as the familiar "big five" model that includes five facets: conscientiousness, neuroticism, agreeableness, introversion/extraversion and openness to experience. There is only a messy overlap between these five traits vs. warmth + strength. This calls into question whether there is much that is particularly objective about either of these models. The argument could be made that some traits don't really matter for being "compelling" or charismatic, and so it's valid to focus on only a subset of the big five. Presumably, whether someone is compelling or not is primarily based on qualities that are more or less immediately apparent -- such as being an introvert/extrovert -- whereas other big five qualities that take longer to assess -- such as neuroticism or conscientiousness -- can be left out of the picture.

In any event, Neffinger and Kohut do a good job of making their argument, and focus most of their book on examples of behavior that make their theory more vivid and graspable. They also devote some space, though not enough, to how to put their theory into practical effect. The authors are also personal coaches, so perhaps they did not want to give away too many of their operational secrets lest they undercut demand for their own product.

Worth reading, though I admit I only read a few selected chapters.

[BJ Richardson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was debating between 3 and 4 stars. Then I remembered how poorly the book started and almost wanted to give it two instead. Compelling people is broken into two different parts: 1) Getting the hand you're dealt and 2) Playing your hand.

The first section is pretty much stereotypes galore. Imagine just about any stereotype you can think of and these guys will dissect it. They go to great lengths to say they are not endorsing but just revealing what these stereotypes are. The constant repetition of this point makes it less and less believable each time. I am almost thinking, "Thou dost protest too much." Honestly, you could skip this section completely and not lose much.


The second section is much better. The entire book is built around the paradigm that strength+warmth=influence. In this section, they go through how to apply this in appearance, nonverbal signals, voice, writing, speech, etc. While it isn't incredibly profound, there are definitely a lot of little tools and tips that are worth noting down and applying. This isn't the type of book that will blow you away with its profound insight, but it just might give you a trick or two to help you ace that next job interview or sales pitch.

[Jacob · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a unique and powerful look at real science and research to determine the various factors that influence others. The book is broken into two parts. First is "The Hand You Were Dealt" and this section deals with some of the research based facts that surround being a certain gender, ethnicity, have certain facial features, etc.

The second part of the book deals with "Playing Your Hand" and talks about how you can work to become more influential.

I was fortunate to attend a live Q&A webinar with the authors as part of the 12 Books Group. I took a lot of key lessons from this material.

First is that you can't fake it. You can pretend to like people or be interested in what they say. Your motives, feelings, and sentiments have to be genuine as a prerequisite to anything else the book suggests.

Second is that even if you are authentic and genuine your own bad habits or subconscious behavior can undermine you. This book gives the tips and research based ideas that can help us overcome some of those problems.

[Anthony · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the subject matter of this book is fascinating and covers a wide breadth of material it does not go very deep and stays on the surface of it's subject. The book is all about what makes people compelling and charismatic. A good case is made that charisma comes from people who project both strength and warmth. Basically if you want to be admired you should both feel confident, and feel warmth towards people. The book analyses what this looks like from a lot of different angles, but always just the surface. What ways to use your hands, eyes, posture, voice etc. to project these qualities.

While the book does a convincing job of arguing that people should balance strength and warmth, this book fails to strike the right balance between being easy to understand and saying anything very meaningful. It's stays rather simplistic and fails to be thought provoking. Basically you finish the book and think: yeah, being both strong and warm is good . . . but I already knew that.

[Lucia · Rating 5 out of 5]

*Recomendación.

Gran libro: describe la diferencia entre una personalidad fuerte y una cálida y como un gran líder es quien logra desarrollar un balance entre las dos, alguien que refleja fuerza; conocimiento, seguridad pero al mismo tiempo calidez; empatía, confianza. Quien logra dominar estas dos cualidades es digno de admirarse.

[Raquel Richardson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This advice isn't often talked about and should be. Finding and enabling that line of competency and warmth is in all of us. It's our job to find it, use it, evolve it and if all this for others as well.

[Lisa-Michele · Rating 4 out of 5]

A thought-provoking exploration of why we listen to some people and disregard others and how a person’s strength and warmth are her two most valuable qualities. As with any pop psychology book, the authors start out with a big idea and then view all human interactions through this lens: “When we make value judgments about people, we look past their personality factors to strength and warmth, because a person’s strength and warmth are ultimately the factors most likely to affect our lives…The measure of whether someone projects strength or warmth is the feeling they evoke in others. When you feel respect for a particular person, you see a kind of strength in them. And when you feel some kinship for affection for someone, you see them as warm.” I believe in their theory and I enjoyed reading their insights on everything from my job to my parenting. I agree that I am influenced by a person who displays a strong sense of themselves and where they fit in the world, but is also tuned in to those around them and cares warmly about them. This is not a common combination, as the book explains, because strong people can be overbearing and insensitive, and warm people can be conciliatory and trusting. Of course it is all a generalization. But it is a useful exercise to think about the people who influence you and analyze their combination of strength and warmth. “Feeling your own actions as expressions of your strength and your warmth...you feel powerful and deeply connected to people. That makes you compelling to others, because it makes you compelling to yourself.”

[Burt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Compelling People came to me as an audiobook from the Hoopla app. I thought that it was good, though it had some dull spots. The book’s focus is a bit different - the authors couch their advice in self-help terms with a focus on how people should present themselves in front of groups.

The authors said that compelling people balance two qualities - strength and warmth. The problem is that it is difficult to be high on both. For the most part, the authors keep the book moving well with plenty of anecdotes to illustrate their points. At the same time, the book can bog down in politically-correct passages.

Also, I liked that the advice stems from academic research and is not based on whatever happened to flash across the authors’ brains. The authors discuss the need to become a good storyteller, which made me want to read a few books on best practices in storytelling.

While I like Compelling People, some of the sections aren’t great. The authors delve into being compelling online, while dating, etc. Depending on where people are in life, they will find this advice to be of more or less value.

Compelling People is a good book. I’d like to read (or listen to) it again.

[Kevin Eikenberry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Who doesn’t want to be more influential?

More influential as a friend, as a parent, as a spouse (or potential spouse)?

Or more to the point of this blog, as a professional and a leader?

If you really don’t want to be more influential, feel free to click away now.

This book lays out its basic premise early on – it isn’t the first time I read the premise or the research behind it – if you haven’t, the path to greater influence is through a balance of strength (the root of respect) and warmth (the root of affection). The authors do a great job of laying out this idea – and that chapter alone is worth reading the book if this balance is a new idea to you.

Read more...

[Caleb Philbrick · Rating 3 out of 5]

Skim it. It's broken up into three parts, the first part is best and then its all downhill from there. (1) "the hand you are dealt" categorizes various stereotypes of gender and race quite well. (2) "Playing the hand" is where the author tells you how to live your life, and then (3) "Strength and Warmth in the World," well, the name says it all. One of the best parts was about Hillary Clinton - who I think we can agree has dealt with her fair share of failure. The author describes how she played her cards in accordance with her strengths and weaknesses, while taking into consideration the opinions other people had about her - it's very interesting and made me want to learn more about her.

[Oscar Pettersson · Rating 1 out of 5]

Kort review: boken behandlar att finna jämviktsläget mellan projeceringen av styrka och värme. I traditionella termer tenderar någon som endast fokusera på styrka att offra värme för styrka, och omvänt. Jag upplever boken som relativt basic, då det är givet att styrka och värme inte bör utesluta varandra. Jag gillar dock hur de var konkreta med olika sätt man kan projicera styrka och värme.
Boken behandlar även hur diverse stereotyper uppfattas i en västerländsk kontext. Även om det är "intressant" att veta så man kan motverka/förhålla sig till dem, ser jag ändå inte värdet i att lägga en halv bok om detta. Kändes som filler text.
Rekommenderar inte boken. Finns en uppsjö av self-developmentböcker som är mycket bättre.

[Linh Hoàng · Rating 3 out of 5]

Necessary for Leaders

Some of us tend to like, respect and be drawn to a certain type of people but sometimes we are not aware how to describe that particular “type”. This book basically addresses what that “type” means which is mostly individuals who possess both Strength and Warm. This book is literally all about Strength and Warm (what it means, how to achieve it etc) which are extremely important attributes to have to excel in the society (in my opinion). Though the author went pretty detailed into specifics even talking about how your looks, posture, races impact these, I felt some parts of the book were rather lengthy and redundant. But overall the content is pretty useful and I do encourage all the leaders/future leaders-to-be to read.

[Ervin Susanto · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of us like, respect and are drawn to a certain type of people but sometimes we don't know how to describe that particular “type”. This author basically explains what that “type” means which is mostly individuals who possess both Strength and Warm. This book is literally all about Strength and Warm (what it means, how to achieve it etc) which are extremely important attributes to have to excel in the society (in my opinion). Though the author went pretty detailed into specifics even talking about how your looks, posture, races impact these, I felt some parts of the book were rather lengthy and redundant. But overall the content is pretty useful and I do encourage all the leaders/future leaders-to-be to read.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

A useful guide to the powers that make us compelling as humans. The driving principal is around strength vs warmth and how the most influential are a combination of both, but they do a great job in the first half of the book discussing tips to project these things, which could change based on age, gender, race, etc. I naturally give off too many warm signals, and this book helped me see how that impacts my career and my relationships.

The end of the book had a few interesting applications for their theories, which range from giving presentations to having a successful relationship. The middle dragged on a bit for me (hence the docked star), but it’s still certainly still worth a read.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a really balanced and thought provoking read. While there are 1,000 leadership styles, this broke it down very simply into looking at things as "strength" or "warmth". This is applicable not only to leadership but also to public speaking and dating and interviews. They spent time on both verbal and nonverbal cues and techniques. I certainly brought some takeaways from this that I will try to use in my current role. Reading this almost felt like having a personal coach! It's also great to be able to give explicit reason for leadership challenges I've been faced with (women penalized for showing strength rather than warmth).

[Nilendu Misra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yeah - could have been a blog post or a TED talk. But the simple premise of the book is extremely valuable especially if you are a so called minority/POC/differently abled etc leader. The book provides an excellent biaxial framework that one can tune up one’s communication on - Strength-Warmth spectrum. Strength is the quality that people follow, warmth is the one that people like. Sadly, they counter each other. The book provides an excellent framework to fine tune each to balance. I wish I had read this 5 years ago. Now, I cringe at some of the large presos I made! Well, better late than never. Game on.