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NeuroQueer: A Neurodivergent Guide to Love, Sex, and Everything in Between
CJ DeBarra is a queer, non-binary, and neurodivergent individual at a crossroads in their mid-30s. With uncertainty about relationships, sex, and love, CJ launched into a quest for understanding.
Growing up in West Cork, Ireland, CJ knew they were ADHD, but its implications remained mysterious. Drawing on their background as an ADHD journalist, CJ fearlessly explores the raw realities of heartbreak, love, and sexuality, and delves into the complexities of desire, the impact of distractions during intimacy, the role of dopamine, and the allure of unconventional sexual experiences. Moreover, CJ sheds light on alarmingly low diagnosis rates for women, transgender individuals, and non-binary individuals, urging readers to advocate for improved healthcare.
This book also has a wider focus, which explores the reasons why the diagnosis rates are so low for women, transgender and non-binary folk, why this matters, and why we should be demanding better healthcare.
Join CJ on a voyage of self-discovery, where vulnerability, courage, and unwavering determination unravel the mysteries of relationships, sex, and love for ADHD individuals and their loved ones.
Growing up in West Cork, Ireland, CJ knew they were ADHD, but its implications remained mysterious. Drawing on their background as an ADHD journalist, CJ fearlessly explores the raw realities of heartbreak, love, and sexuality, and delves into the complexities of desire, the impact of distractions during intimacy, the role of dopamine, and the allure of unconventional sexual experiences. Moreover, CJ sheds light on alarmingly low diagnosis rates for women, transgender individuals, and non-binary individuals, urging readers to advocate for improved healthcare.
This book also has a wider focus, which explores the reasons why the diagnosis rates are so low for women, transgender and non-binary folk, why this matters, and why we should be demanding better healthcare.
Join CJ on a voyage of self-discovery, where vulnerability, courage, and unwavering determination unravel the mysteries of relationships, sex, and love for ADHD individuals and their loved ones.
244 pages, Paperback
Published July 26, 2023
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
June 30, 2024
This is a topic I'm a little obsessed with and I tore through this book in a matter of hours. Candid, well researched, well lived, and accessible. I feel that figuring out your neurodivergence is a trail of clues that we're following around in the strange capitalist mystery that is a society built not to accommodate. So if you would like some more clues and food for thought give this a go. This is a really validating read. I will be shouting about this book to anyone that will listen for a while. 4.5/5
August 6, 2024
Fantastic book and a well needed piece on neurodivergent sexuality. It intersperses CJ's entertaining personal experiences with very well researched data, to make for an easy and informative read. I've learnt a new trick or two, but mostly it made me feel seen in a world that's full of "how to put up with your male ADHD spouse" kind of books. This book is definitely much more inclusive and well-rounded, and the laugh-out-loud moments were just a bonus!
January 12, 2025
this book made me feel very seen- we need more of this!!!
July 3, 2023
Thank you so much to the publishers for allowing me early access to this absolute masterpiece - although CJ, just @ me next time please? 😂
As a queer person going through ADHD assessment, never have I felt so seen by a piece of writing. CJ tackles difficult issues with grace and poise, without shying away from the crux of the matter. Their voice is always clear, their purpose always obvious.
I will be recommending this book to anyone who has ADHD, or knows and loves someone who is queer and has ADHD.
This right here is the stuff people don’t talk about. Thank you CJ, for grabbing the mic ❤️
As a queer person going through ADHD assessment, never have I felt so seen by a piece of writing. CJ tackles difficult issues with grace and poise, without shying away from the crux of the matter. Their voice is always clear, their purpose always obvious.
I will be recommending this book to anyone who has ADHD, or knows and loves someone who is queer and has ADHD.
This right here is the stuff people don’t talk about. Thank you CJ, for grabbing the mic ❤️
June 13, 2023
Thank you so much to the author and publisher for an early copy of this incredibly important book. I'm not usually a reader of non-fiction as I don't typically get into them very easily, but I tore through this in a day.
It's easy to be swept along by the writing, which is extremely personable - reading it was like listening to a friend talk about something they're passionate about. Insightful, thoughtful and considered without ever being dry, I was laughing one line and feeling heartbreak the next.
NeuroQueer is a perfectly woven balance of personal stories and research. From growing up queer, non-binary and ADHD in rural Ireland, to navigating sex and relationships with both neurotypical and neurodivergent partners, to the quest for a sex toy that would suit their specific sensory needs - the author's unique lived experience sheds light and understanding on the intersectional issues that are often overlooked in research and studies.
If you picked this up for the sexy bits, you'll stay for the searingly honest accounts of the author's life and their insight into falling in love and/or falling into bed with a neurodivergent partner. If you're trying to understand yourself or your loved ones better - or even if you're simply looking to learn more about how 1 in 5 of us experience the world - this is a brilliant place to start.
It's easy to be swept along by the writing, which is extremely personable - reading it was like listening to a friend talk about something they're passionate about. Insightful, thoughtful and considered without ever being dry, I was laughing one line and feeling heartbreak the next.
NeuroQueer is a perfectly woven balance of personal stories and research. From growing up queer, non-binary and ADHD in rural Ireland, to navigating sex and relationships with both neurotypical and neurodivergent partners, to the quest for a sex toy that would suit their specific sensory needs - the author's unique lived experience sheds light and understanding on the intersectional issues that are often overlooked in research and studies.
If you picked this up for the sexy bits, you'll stay for the searingly honest accounts of the author's life and their insight into falling in love and/or falling into bed with a neurodivergent partner. If you're trying to understand yourself or your loved ones better - or even if you're simply looking to learn more about how 1 in 5 of us experience the world - this is a brilliant place to start.
June 16, 2023
5 Stars! This book blew me away. I laughed, I cried, I tore through it in a matter of hours but mostly for the first time I saw my own experiences growing up as a neurodivergent queer person in rural Ireland and beyond captured perfectly. Informative, accessible and searingly honest, CJ doesn't shy away from the topics that are considered hush hush in "polite" society.
NeuroQueer is a delightful mix of thoughtful research interlaced with personal anecdotes that highlight the desperate need for more research in the intersection of LGBTQ+ and Neurodivergence, in many places but especially the bedroom.
This book is a must for anyone who has ever felt that they didn't fit in, and maybe didn't quite understand why (and the people that love them).
NeuroQueer is a delightful mix of thoughtful research interlaced with personal anecdotes that highlight the desperate need for more research in the intersection of LGBTQ+ and Neurodivergence, in many places but especially the bedroom.
This book is a must for anyone who has ever felt that they didn't fit in, and maybe didn't quite understand why (and the people that love them).
January 28, 2025
Rounding up from a 4.5.
There's a lot to love in this book. CJ DeBarra's frankness around sex, the good and the bad, is refreshing and I think the perspective of being a queer ADHD person is really important and helpful. I saw a lot of my ADHD partner in this book and a bit of myself as an autistic queer person as well. It gave me really valuable insights that I hadn't considered before.
There's a lot to love in this book. CJ DeBarra's frankness around sex, the good and the bad, is refreshing and I think the perspective of being a queer ADHD person is really important and helpful. I saw a lot of my ADHD partner in this book and a bit of myself as an autistic queer person as well. It gave me really valuable insights that I hadn't considered before.
November 17, 2024
Author CJ De Barra doesn’t pull any punches within the pages of this exhaustively researched, in-depth revelation for those who have no knowledge of ADHD. The forthright style of writing is often simultaneously intimate and challenging – and at times defiant, by pulling back the covers to illuminate a subject that far too many people (including professionals) remain in the dark about.
I was horrified to read of CJ’s younger years suffering beneath the sadistic tutelage of nuns, but as an atheist I am far from surprised, as so many crimes are permitted with the use of the religious ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card. Societal blind eyes were turned to abortion, alcoholism, divorce, and homosexuality and within this forbidding, foreboding atmosphere compassion was never going to be offered to a person so very ‘different’ to their contemporaries, and likewise, no attempts made to soothe or reassure.
This book delves into the wide-ranging and far-reaching complex manifestations of ADHD, and the author’s forthrightness in sharing the turbulent personal emotions engendered by sex and relationships is refreshingly frank without being salacious and unnecessary.
‘NeuroQueer’ is an important milestone. This valuable resource of education and enlightenment maintains the perfect balance of being reassuringly authoritative without presenting as stuffy or pompous. CJ De Barra’s first-hand combination of the instructive and emotional leaves the reader with a much-needed greater awareness and understanding.
I was horrified to read of CJ’s younger years suffering beneath the sadistic tutelage of nuns, but as an atheist I am far from surprised, as so many crimes are permitted with the use of the religious ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card. Societal blind eyes were turned to abortion, alcoholism, divorce, and homosexuality and within this forbidding, foreboding atmosphere compassion was never going to be offered to a person so very ‘different’ to their contemporaries, and likewise, no attempts made to soothe or reassure.
This book delves into the wide-ranging and far-reaching complex manifestations of ADHD, and the author’s forthrightness in sharing the turbulent personal emotions engendered by sex and relationships is refreshingly frank without being salacious and unnecessary.
‘NeuroQueer’ is an important milestone. This valuable resource of education and enlightenment maintains the perfect balance of being reassuringly authoritative without presenting as stuffy or pompous. CJ De Barra’s first-hand combination of the instructive and emotional leaves the reader with a much-needed greater awareness and understanding.
July 11, 2023
Firstly I want to start by saying that if you have ADHD, get this book! It is an absolute must-read.
I felt somewhat connected to the writer whilst reading through the little personal touches they added and it really resonated with me what they wrote about, I think this is the first time I’ve really read something and gone “wow, me too” and I think that would be the case for many other neurodiverse people also.
There was also a lot of information and research included also as this helps us to understand ourselves better and also gives others a chance to understand.
I love that the writer was open and did not shy away from any of the topics they discussed as I think that’s one of the big things that really sets this apart from others, it helps to de-shame absolutely normal things and I’m so here for it!
It’s a really easy and nice read with good flow and I absolutely recommend reading it! You don’t *need* to be Queer or Neurodiverse to read this as it could still relate to you.
I’d also like to say a massive thank you to the writer and publishers for giving me access to this book as I really enjoyed reading it!
I felt somewhat connected to the writer whilst reading through the little personal touches they added and it really resonated with me what they wrote about, I think this is the first time I’ve really read something and gone “wow, me too” and I think that would be the case for many other neurodiverse people also.
There was also a lot of information and research included also as this helps us to understand ourselves better and also gives others a chance to understand.
I love that the writer was open and did not shy away from any of the topics they discussed as I think that’s one of the big things that really sets this apart from others, it helps to de-shame absolutely normal things and I’m so here for it!
It’s a really easy and nice read with good flow and I absolutely recommend reading it! You don’t *need* to be Queer or Neurodiverse to read this as it could still relate to you.
I’d also like to say a massive thank you to the writer and publishers for giving me access to this book as I really enjoyed reading it!
August 1, 2026
Another ADHD DNF.
At first, I was excited thinking finally a queer women/nonbinary perspective! Which it is and interesting to read about an Irish perspective since I’m American. But I gave it until half way thru. I was hoping it would be like the experience I had with Bleed a book that was part memoir and part investigative journalism that was both done exceptionally well. The writing was fire and the research was scathing. This book less so and at least until the point I read, the author didn’t have any successful love or sexual relationships and almost seemed asexual? Maybe the sad Irish genx perspective is not for me but what made me stop reading it was the mentioning of A Radical Guide to Women with ADHD: Embrace Neuro-Diversity, Live Boldly and Break Through Barriers by Sari Solden and Michelle Frank. This book and their previous book is super heteronormative. Like why keep quoting that book if you are queer and not mention how deeply problematic it is and also I came to you to avoid them.
I could see how some might get something from the book but I doesn’t feel like either a successful memoir nor excellent journalism.
At first, I was excited thinking finally a queer women/nonbinary perspective! Which it is and interesting to read about an Irish perspective since I’m American. But I gave it until half way thru. I was hoping it would be like the experience I had with Bleed a book that was part memoir and part investigative journalism that was both done exceptionally well. The writing was fire and the research was scathing. This book less so and at least until the point I read, the author didn’t have any successful love or sexual relationships and almost seemed asexual? Maybe the sad Irish genx perspective is not for me but what made me stop reading it was the mentioning of A Radical Guide to Women with ADHD: Embrace Neuro-Diversity, Live Boldly and Break Through Barriers by Sari Solden and Michelle Frank. This book and their previous book is super heteronormative. Like why keep quoting that book if you are queer and not mention how deeply problematic it is and also I came to you to avoid them.
I could see how some might get something from the book but I doesn’t feel like either a successful memoir nor excellent journalism.
June 19, 2023
This book was such an enjoyable read. An honest account of what it’s like to be a neurodivergent queer person when it comes to love, sex, and relationships. I’m not often one to read non-fiction but this book… I read it in one sitting as I could not put it down. A little bit of quirky, a lot of humour, much seriousness, and a good amount of education made this book a fantastic read. CJ has a way of writing that pulls the reader in and convinces them to keep reading.
I related to so much in this book and it has helped me to understand how I can be in relationships. It’s refreshing to see such open honesty when it comes to certain aspects of sex, especially when it comes to some of the ‘harder hitting’ parts of it.
I hope this book sparks someone out there to do more research into neurodivergent rates in women, non-binary, and transgender people but I know that would really help a lot of us out there.
If you have a diagnosis of ADHD or love someone who does, this book is a must-read. I found it so helpful and I’ll be recommending it to many people.
I related to so much in this book and it has helped me to understand how I can be in relationships. It’s refreshing to see such open honesty when it comes to certain aspects of sex, especially when it comes to some of the ‘harder hitting’ parts of it.
I hope this book sparks someone out there to do more research into neurodivergent rates in women, non-binary, and transgender people but I know that would really help a lot of us out there.
If you have a diagnosis of ADHD or love someone who does, this book is a must-read. I found it so helpful and I’ll be recommending it to many people.
June 23, 2023
Finding relatable stories in NeuroQueer come quickly for members of the rainbow family, who were raised in a pre-internet Ireland. Some chapters takes you back to world, almost heralded as idyllic now, but then offered little in the way of comfort to those on the fringes of society.
The publication progresses through the complexity of ADHD, here, C.J. guides us (those who are neurotypical) through the myriad of terms with a balanced mix of cold facts and personal anecdotes.
The titular phrasing in the title lulls some in for the sex. This is where we are lead behind the curtains, watching from the sidelines as C.J. unboxes each relationship, gently displaying the contents, pointing to every crack before returning to the confines of the past.
The mechanics of sex along with its many accessories are reviewed and rated.
You don't have to be queer, neuro divergent or sexually active to interact with this publication, as C.J. through personal stories, scientific studies and interviews, gives the answers to questions that may never have occurred to you to ask.
The publication progresses through the complexity of ADHD, here, C.J. guides us (those who are neurotypical) through the myriad of terms with a balanced mix of cold facts and personal anecdotes.
The titular phrasing in the title lulls some in for the sex. This is where we are lead behind the curtains, watching from the sidelines as C.J. unboxes each relationship, gently displaying the contents, pointing to every crack before returning to the confines of the past.
The mechanics of sex along with its many accessories are reviewed and rated.
You don't have to be queer, neuro divergent or sexually active to interact with this publication, as C.J. through personal stories, scientific studies and interviews, gives the answers to questions that may never have occurred to you to ask.
December 29, 2025
I tend to find books about Neurodivergence and ADHD to be very clinical and study centred rather than person centred. I very much enjoyed this much more person-focused approach to discussing aspects of ADHD that are not very often touched on, namely sex and relationships.
Lived experience from the author, CJ, clearly highlights a lot of interesting and insightful things about life with ADHD. combined with the research they have done to understand themself and the world according to ADHD, this makes for a very easy and enlightening read.
Lived experience from the author, CJ, clearly highlights a lot of interesting and insightful things about life with ADHD. combined with the research they have done to understand themself and the world according to ADHD, this makes for a very easy and enlightening read.
July 15, 2026
This book is good, but I didn’t read the last chapter. It got very repetitive and kind of winding (ok makes sense! Bcus adhd! Duh) but I felt like the title was misleading and this book is really just about adhd, not neurodiversity as a whole, and more specifically about the authors experience with adhd. It’s not really a memoir, not really a research book, it’s sort of in between and so it fell flat for me. Some really interesting info in there and I do think for someone early on in their adhd journey this could be super useful, but just didn’t hit as hard as I wanted it to
August 6, 2026
I stupidly thought that, as a neurotypical person, this book would not resonate much with me and not only I was wrong, I also failed to acknowledge that the text would be of great help to make me understand the realities of friends, family and romantic partners alike. I honestly would have loved to get my hands on it ages ago. And as usual, it is always a pleasure to read in depth about contemporary people that have grown up in Ireland and make me understand my present better. Truly an amazing book.
January 8, 2024
Go and buy CJ DeBarra’s book, it’s an excellent read; interesting, informative, personal, eloquent, clear and insightful. It matters not whether you may be neurotypical or neurodiverse; the book is full of anecdotes, information and research for anyone wanting to understand more about neurodiversity and ADHD, and about love, desire, sex, relationships, and people.
December 15, 2024
the book felt like a diary although it is nice to read about real life experience, sometimes it left me thinking the writer is just babbling away and all this in words aligned to the left? Nope.
An easy read tho
An easy read tho
September 9, 2025
So glad this exists. Sending C.J. DeBarra a big, warm hug.
Did get pretty repetitive or meandering at times, but, listen, god forbid I shit on someone's info dump. I knew exactly what I signed up for. If you missed the title, that's on you.
Did get pretty repetitive or meandering at times, but, listen, god forbid I shit on someone's info dump. I knew exactly what I signed up for. If you missed the title, that's on you.
February 2, 2026
A great read! Helped me process things around and connected to my ADHD a lot, was really refreshing to have such a candid and light-hearted tone in a non-fiction book. Would really recommend it to any neurodiverse baddies out there!
June 10, 2024
Einige Kapitel haben mir sehr gefallen, insbesondere jene über jegliche Bereiche der Sexualität. Andere fand ich zäh und wiederholend.
January 27, 2025
Really enjoyed this
October 31, 2025
there was lots in here that was super relatable and affirming and recontextualised a lot of my expiriences but nothing that blew ny pussy clean off
November 8, 2025
focuses moreso on experiences w intimacy from an adhd perspective, not autism, as had been implied to me by the person rec'ing.
January 30, 2026
Extremely readable and well-informed, but also, terribly genuine and relatable.
February 3, 2026
I though this would be more about resources and education but it turned out to be more of a memoir, but with some good resources quoted
April 6, 2026
I had hoped for the book to be a “guide” to navigating themes of sex, intimacy as neurodivergent. The book is so much more like a memoir.
May 16, 2026
Well informed and personal exploration of the interactions between ADHD, sensory needs, queerness, sex, and BDSM.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews