Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval - and Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes

by Jennifer Dukes Lee

We all want someone to think we're sensational. We desire to be recognized, to be valued, to be respected . . . to be loved. Yet this natural yearning too often turns into an idol of one of God's most precious gifts: love itself. If you, like so many of us, spend your time and energy trying to earn brownie points--at work, home, and church--all the while fearing that, at any moment, the facade will drop, and everyone will see your hidden mess . . . then love may have become an idol in your life. In this poignant and hope-filled book, Jennifer Dukes Lee shares her own lifelong journey of learning to rely on the unconditional love of God. She gently invites us to make peace with our imperfections and to stop working overtime for a love that is already ours. "The Love Idol" will help us dismantle what's separating us from true connection with God and rediscover the astonishing joy of a life full of freedom in Christ.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Self Help, Faith, Christian Non Fiction, Spirituality

286 pages, Paperback

First published March 21, 2014

About the author

I write books. I embarrass my kids. I was once a mime. (True story). I attend a small country church where some Sundays you'll find me spinning tunes as the church deejay.

I'm a big fan of dark chocolate, emojis, eighties music, bright lipstick, and Netflix binges. My husband and I are raising crops, pigs, a herd of cats, and two beautiful humans on the Lee family farm in Iowa.

My newest book, It's All Under Control, releases in September. (There's also a six-week companion Bible study.)

I wrote a couple other books: The Happiness Dare, and Love Idol.

I'm a journalist at heart. I used to cover crime, politics, and natural disasters as a news reporter for metropolitan daily newspapers. Now, I use my reporting skills to chase after the biggest story ever: the redemptive story of Christ. (That's front-page news.)

I cling to the hope of a cross, and I'm passionate about sharing the Good News through story. I believe in miracles; I am one. I marvel at God's unrelenting grace for stumbling sinners like me, who have been made whole through Christ. I believe in scandalous grace, and that the cross is the most priceless and costly gift the world has ever seen. I believe that it really is all because of Jesus.

You can connect with me online at:

My website

My Facebook page

On Twitter

On Instagram

Reviews

[Joanne Viola · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every once in a while you read a book which not only delights you in unexpected ways but impacts you, touching you deeply in your soul. Such was the case recently when I read, Love Idol by Jennifer Dukes Lee.

I knew I would enjoy the book as I have read her blog posts, being challenged by each one. But this was different.

Love Idol is Jennifer’s personal journey to break free from the addiction of approval of others – at home, at work and at church. She shares deeply personal stories and experiences which I found myself quickly able to relate. But it is more. As Jennifer shared openly and vulnerably, she gently revealed that same journey was ongoing in my own life. With each chapter I read, I was letting go of more and finding peace in this profound truth – I am loved. God approves of me. I am significant to Him.

Jennifer weaves her story with such transparency, inviting you in, not only into her life, but into the lives of her family. I found myself loving her children and wanting to applaud Lydia as she let go of perfectionism and received a “B” in school. I wanted to hug Anna for her warmth and love as she encourages and affirms her sister. I have an appreciation for a farmer who lives by the mantra, “God’s got it!”. And I wanted to attend her church as she shares of the laypeople in the congregation and the community which lies therein.

Jennifer drew me in and in the safety of her words, I found myself fully embracing the truth that God already loves me. In fact, I have been pre-approved by God and nothing will change my approval rating. We say we know this truth but to truly believe it and live it, well, therein is often the challenge.

I read much of this book with tears streaming as my soul was awakened by truth – God’s truth. But here’s the deal about the love of Jesus ….

He has a race marked out for you. And He will run alongside you until the last light of your life fades. You can never outrun Jesus. And Jesus’ love will never, ever run out. (page 235)

Love Idol is the story of Jennifer’s journey to run her race. It is the story of letting go of the chains which once bound her and odds are real good, they bind each of us as well. You will not only enjoy Love Idol, you will find that your life will truly never be quite the same. I know this to be true because I have been changed and am grateful to have read this book.

There is a movement which is going to happen – a laying down of sorts. If you listen closely, you will hear the sound of idols being smashed and chains dropping off. And if you dare to read the book, the sound you hear may be the sound of your very own freedom.

I received a complimentary copy of this book from Tyndale House Publishing in exchange for my honest review. This book releases April 1st but you can pre-order it now here or on Amazon. You can also join the Love Idol Movement on Facebook. You will also want to visit Jennifer on her blog.

[Karrilee Aggett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book! Jennifer shares from her heart and is honest about her own struggles with looking for love and approval and trying to earn it, rather than accepting His love and approval that was hers all along! The good news is - it's ours too! Are you tired of striving for perfection, only to find it's not good enough? Aren't you tired of the not good enoughs? This book will help you to see that the One who matters most has preapproved you already and it will encourage you to lay down all the other love idols you have unknowingly picked up... and run straight to Love Himself!

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this book did an incredible job identifying exactly what my problem it, that's all it did for 4 weeks, identify. It read more like a memoir than a self-help. Don't get me wrong, it did an incredible job identifying the Love Idol and why/how it can be a problem in your life, but I was hoping for a little more on the strategy for overcoming side. That being said, I have still recommended it to several of my girl friends.

[Allison Miller · Rating 3 out of 5]

[Jesus] didn't go to all the trouble of validating my worth merely so I could feel better about myself... In the end this has nothing to do with me at all. This really is all about Jesus. And Jesus is calling us to respond, in His name, so that when we show up in heaven, we can stand before Him completely poured out and breathless, with flushed cheeks, all in the name of love.

Love compels us to step outside of our own comfort zones and straight into the heart of Jesus, straight into our neighborhoods and into the world. When we begin to understand the depth of Cross-bought love, our hearts are turned right-side up. That love changes how I function at home and an unfamiliar places.

Until you are convinced of God's incredible love for you, you will continue looking for replacement love everywhere but in the heart of Christ.

Fear camps out right next to whatever it is you're most called to do. That means the closer you get to your calling, the louder fear sounds... Keep going-fear is a Chihuahua that sounds like a Doberman. - Holley Gerth

If we are deeply moved by the sight of His love for us, it detaches our hearts from other would-be saviors. We stop trying to redeem ourselves through our pursuits and relationships, because we are ALREADY redeemed. - Tim Keller

I am struck by how freedom feels when it begins to wrap itself around the soul, like it fits because it is already mine.

I yearn for all of us to know the deep, deep love of Jesus-that it would be enough, that it always has been enough, and that it's a love that can never be overmatched by anything or anyone in the world. No one can outlove Jesus.

Life in Christ is not a popularity contest-but a journey that confronts us daily with questions about the gods we will worship.

We could let our mistakes shame us into dark, quiet corners. But no, Jesus won't have it.

We are the women who make our lives about the cause of Christ, not the applause of men, live to express the Gospel, not to impress the Jones', live not to make our absence felt, but to make Christ's presence known. We are the women who know it's not about us and all about Glory. - Ann Voskamp

Personal strength is not necessarily a virtue. Neither is got-it-togetherness. Clearly, Christ has a soft spot for weaklings. He repurposes human weaknesses, using them as doorways through which He escorts great power. Then there's no question who gets the applause before the final curtain falls.

When you belong to Christ, honest to goodness, you are free to make mistakes.

A person being loosed from the love idol is no longer envious of others in the spotlight. She is free to genuinely appreciate the accomplishments of others; free to stop comparing and jockeying; free to celebrate others' victories, rather than just wish them for herself.

With God's love on the inside of us, we are equipped to unconditionally love people right beside us, when we look and love up, we can look and love out.

​And when that glorious finish line comes into view, we will run like mad, and the wind will whip through our hair, and we'll forget how bad it hurt sometimes. Because we can't wait to cross over and hear the words we were created to hear at the finish: "Well done, good and faithful servant."​

[Cherie Lowe · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first engaged this work, I thought that I didn't really struggle with needing the approval of others. However, through Jennifer Dukes Lee's wisdom I quickly discovered that my heart was constantly being plagued with the messages of this world that cause me to beg for approval and love in all of the wrong places. Identifying the struggle is only half of the battle. This book will help you be released from prisons you might not even realize you were trapped inside of. While battling the need for approval might be a lifelong struggle for me, I now have tools to help set me free. Thanks Jennifer for this life affirming work!

[Stacy Myers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Who this book is for:
People pleasers
Marthas
Those who struggle to accept love

We are already approved. Jesus loves us ALREADY. ❤️❤️❤️

[Shauna Letellier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read the back cover, got a lump in my throat and felt like the author was reading my mind. She uses personal stories to teach that seeking for your worth or approval from other people is futile and depressing. In her words, and in God's eyes, we are "pre-approved." I liked this book.

[Holly Barrett · Rating 5 out of 5]

On her blog earlier this year, Jennifer Dukes Lee challenged us at the beginning of Lent to yield wholly to Christ. This challenge made me think through the love idols God has been revealing to me. And as I’ve thought and prayed about them through this season, I felt pretty good. Letting go of some things. Making some progress on some others.

Then my pre-ordered book arrived. And God used it to make me dig a little deeper. Jennifer’s story of reaching dreamed-of career highs and having God pursue her out of them is a story of God’s redemption. She shares with us her own inner struggle for approval that battled with resting in the loving arms of her Savior. It’s a battle we all share.

Jennifer writes, "Because the moment we stop fussing over the opinions of others might be the moment we start actually living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom." Love Idol, p. 73

For me, the rejection I experienced last year has caused me to sit on a goal that God laid on my heart when I first lost my job a year and a half ago. It was a crushing blow but in the middle of it, God called me to write. Not just some more blog posts. No, He called me to write a book.

So I’ve been writing. And writing. And writing some more. The book is almost finished (well, the rough draft anyway. There’s certain to be many edits before it’s publish-able!). But frankly, I’ve been kind of ignoring the manuscript files on my computer. Because when it’s finished, then I have to look at publishing it and guess what? That could mean some more rejection. As Jennifer shares in her story (p. 79), I’m also afraid of more rejection. Publishers. Editors. People who might read it and hate it.

There used to be a time when I was more afraid of being disobedient to God than I was of any potential consequences of my obedience. When did it get turned around? When did the fear of rejection get bigger than the fear of disobeying Father? And how can I get it back again? These are the questions I’ve been pondering as I’ve read.

Yet right there in the middle of Jennifer’s book is the answer. It’s that in Christ, we’ve all been preapproved.

Regardless of my writing ability, God loves me anyway.

It doesn’t matter how I look or what I wear, God loves me anyway.

My worth is not found in being the poster child for mothering or in being a good Bible study girl.

It’s found in the love of our Creator and in the life Jesus willingly gave up for us on the cross.

I pray that sinks in for all of us as we read this book. The truth that we are indeed Preapproved.

[Alyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lee used to be a newspaper reporter, so the girl certainly knows how to write and capture the reader's attention. The term 'love idol' is what Lee uses to talk about her need for approval. Her opening lines capture it well:

"Hi, I'm Jennifer. I know, we've just met, but already a familiar anxiety is rising up in my heart: I want you to like me.
For much of my life, I have lived like that. I have wanted people's approval. I have wanted to be a real somebody but have felt like a nobody. I'm not proud to say that I've been a people pleaser and a perfectionist and a prisoner to popular opinion."

Lee continues on to explain how we often take our need for approval and make it a false god, or an idol. We put it in the place of God's approval. The bulk of the novel reads almost like a memoir, travelling through her past up into her current memories of when and how this Love Idol has consumed her. And she is brutally honest in her journey. She sweeps us along her pilgrimage showing us her struggles from beginning to ''end''. Lee proves that something worth doing isn't always easy, isn't always a quick fix. It can take time, dedication, tenacity, and a thirst. A thirst for God above all else.

"Love Idol" was a beautiful journey of not self discovery, but Christ discovery. Much in the vein of Ann Voskamp, Lee's words are peaceful, poetic, and hard truth all in one. I'd highly recommend this book to random strangers on the street, so I definitely think you, my lovely friends, should pick it up! I easily give it five stars. Pick this one up and take the journey to destroying your own love idols.

Find more of this review and others like it at Sunrise Avenue

[Becky Holland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tyndale House Publishers, April 2014, ISBN 978-1-4143-8073-5.

Jennifer Dukes Lee had done it all as a reporter - she had covered all sorts of beats - including crime, government and spot news, like natural disasters.

In Love Idol, she tackles a subject that most journalists, even award-winning journalists, shy away from - faith, God and love. In doing this, she reveals much about her own life, her own issues and that is something a journalist isn't trained to do - journalist tell other people's stories.

Lee's Love Idol isn't a biography or a self-help book. It is written as if it were a conversation between friends - maybe on the front porch drinking Dr. Peppers or sitting down at Starbucks for coffee.

The Love Idol that Lee talks about in her book isn't tangible, really, it is just this goal that most of us have tried to achieve for years - constant approval for everything.

Lee's message is simple "stop working overtime for love, and instead discover the joy of a life full of freedom in Christ."

Who should read this book? I bet you are saying you are not addicted to approval, that you don't have a problem with wanting to be liked or loved, or that you don't care what others think, so this book isn't for you.

I say 'Hogwash.' As a veteran print journalist and a Christian with her own insecurities and needs for approval, I know that this book was used as a vehicle to help guide me toward the path of letting go, and letting God ... and I bet it will do you some good too.

Just try it. You might like it.

[Nancy Kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jennifer Dukes Lee writes about the many ways we seek approval, and how destructive that desire can be. And it isn't always about beauty or personality or even the desire to be loved by friends and family.

Jennifer writes of a moment in her professional life when she realized she was trying to be a certain kind of person for the benefit of those in her workplace. She was a reporter for the Des Moines Register who was sent to vie for a viewing slot for the execution of Timothy McVeigh, who killed 168 people at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City with a truck bomb.

While making her way to the signup sheet for the press lottery, she realized she didn't want to be there; she didn't want this so-called opportunity. "My feet stopped moving," she writes. "I stood under the late-afternoon sun, near the prison, feeling like another kind of prisoner."

Can anyone relate to wanting to uphold an image in front of your colleagues? I sure could! Jennifer also writes about trying to gain approval in the home, at church, in front of other moms, and in many other places and situations where self-judgment and recrimination lurk.

As you read, you'll have the chance to think of where your need for attention, or love, or approval lies. And Jennifer urges us to finally let go. "I want to let people know that they matter to God, they matter to others, and they matter to me," she concludes. "Not because of the size of their jeans, their bank accounts, or their influence, but simply because of the size of their God."

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

An average book dealing with an important issue

What does three stars for this book mean? More importantly what doesn't it mean? It doesn't mean it's a bad book, but the that the writing is average. It doesn't mean it contains horrible advice, it's actually good advice, but I didn't find it's delivery compelling. And it doesn't mean you shouldn't read the book, different people will react to the book differently, and I think this book will be life changing for many.

Like Jennifer, I'm a recovering perfectionist, but the way that manifests itself in my life is drastically different than how it does in hers. The book obviously focuses on women, but this is something that men struggle with as well, but I don't think this book will reach many of them -- this isn't inherently bad, but something that should be noted.

There wasn't much of anything Jennifer said that I disagreed with, but the book just didn't minister or hit the nail on the head personally like I expected it to. Read other reviews - God is obviously using her through this book to minister to many, but don't be disappointed if you read the book and the effect isn't the same for you. It doesn't mean you didn't glean some useful bit of knowledge. And it doesn't mean you don't struggle with the "love idol", but it may (and probably does) look different for you than for Jennifer. And that's ok.

[Kelly Greer · Rating 5 out of 5]

It starts before we can even walk on our own two feet. We want to know if others approve of us. Am I pretty? See me? Am I smart? Do you love me? As we grow up, the voices get louder and the stakes get higher. We want to know that we are enough. Well there is good news. We are! We have already been preapproved by the only one who really matters, God.

Jennifer shares her own battle with this inner critic that pushed her into perfectionism, people-pleasing, and approval seeking frenzy. She shares what she has learned about being enough by walking in the approval of her creator, God and learning to let go of the approval of others. And she shares it with a real heart for others, for you. She wants you to know how much you really matter, just the way you are.

If you are tired of feeding the never-ending quest for others' approval, this is a must read. You will be encouraged to see the truth of that lie that you are not enough, and begin to embrace all that God has for you as your pre-approved self.

I plan to share this book with my friends and family. Especially my granddaughters who are in those hard-to-navigate, peer-pressured comparison-ridden teenage years. It is sure to be a life-changing message!

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jennifer Duke Lee wrote "Love Idol" not as an expert but as an encourager. Even the subtitle speaks volumes: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval – and Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes. Jennifer's words, which really are God's message, have seeped into my everyday life. Isn't that where truth changes us anyway? In her book, Jennifer reminded me "any average moment in this life is never really average if we're living each ordinary moment for an extraordinary God."

I'm a people-pleasing, perfectionist-craving momma who often wonders if she did enough or said the right thing. The replacement loves, these idols that distract, abound in my heart and I have to give them back to the Maker moment by moment, again and again – slowly becoming more convinced of the only love that matters. “Love Idol” is an honest, encouraging, and challenging book that is sparking a movement among women. I read this book with a pen in my hand so I could mark the truths Jennifer’s seemed to be writing directly into my life. This brave book is part of a life-changing process in my heart, one that overflows into every relationship and responsibility in my life.

[Sarah Paschall · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love Idol is the sort of book I need to read twice (or more!). Dukes uses personal stories and engaging narrative to help the reader realize she's not alone in this journey of letting go of her need for others' approval. She also reiterates that this journey to solely seek God's approval is just that--a journey. It's a daily surrender, and throughout her piece, she provides Scripture, stories, and quotes to aid the reader into a better understanding of God's love, while equipping the reader with tools to live life in true freedom: God's love alone.

Most notably, I don't feel like this book is about Jennifer and Jennifer's journey. She uses her experience to point toward Christ, something many "Christian" authors struggle to do.

My only issue with the book is that there is not a clear presentation of the salvation message. For a reader with little biblical background, this is pertinent, and I think this issue could simply be solved by elucidating in the "notes" section at the back.

[Angela Suzanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

As one who has been bound to the love idol for so long, I wanted to read this book and requested it from the publisher on Net Galley. I was a little disappointed with the book because I was expecting it to be more practical or even theological but rather it was mostly about Jennifer Dukes Lee's experience with her love idol. However, it was still a good book for me to read because it challenged me to let go of my fears that have bound me to the love idol. I could relate to Jennifer's story about constantly wondering what people are thinking of me and wanting the approval of others. Sometimes our fears of what others think of us will stop us from really living and Jennifer challenged me to let go of those fears but also to focus more on gaining the approval of God who has already preapproved us. I believe this is a good book for anyone who is in bondage to the love idol and will challenge them like it did me.

[Celena Janton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had me captured from the first page. I grew up much like the author--in a home full of love and security. Even so, like her, I had made other people's love and affirmation and high opinion of me into an idol until keeping up the perfect facade became a terrible burden for me. Soon after that "love idol" of mine led to what could have been terrible consequences (but wasn't, thanks to God's grace) I found this book. It has helped me (is still helping me!) to find my affirmation in Jesus, to see myself through God's eyes, to know that because I'm loved by Him and because His love is a FREE gift ("through grace you have been saved, not by works"), I am free to simply live for Him without running over everyone else's approval. Love this book! Every Christian woman should read it!

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a junior in college, and this book struck many a chord in me. Jennifer Dukes-Lee shares her heart in a way that's inspiring and encouraging to women--and, frankly anyone who's ever felt that need to "measure up."

I got to the last chapter and waited a while because I didn't want to finish and be done!

Almost like sitting down for coffee with a good friend or mentor, reading this book allowed me to soak up some wisdom and advice I had long knew I needed, but never fully understood myself, or realized how to put into words.

This book was a challenger and an encourager for the people pleasing perfectionist in me. I highly recommend it :)

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think all women struggle with not feeling good enough and not measuring up to the world's standard for us. Jennifer Dukes Lee does a great job at addressing how so often we feel that we do not measure up and yet we need to realize that God loves us just the way we are and that in His eyes we are enough. I thought the author did an outstanding job about reminding women about what their true purpose is and of the love of God that is all encompassing.

[Little Whimsy Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first I thought it was going to be one of those
typical self-help books or those super christian books
that thinks they're going to change people's lives,
but no, I was wrong.

It's like Jennifer has read all people's diaries. This book won't change you in whole, but it will make you realize that there's no need for approval
for anything and that the one you were seeking for
was already yours.

[Marisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

A topic I could identify with...a style I couldn't. A speaker I heard recently quoted from the introduction about battling "the inner critic who bruises, the mirror that accuses, and the mental playback that oozes with bad history." Like a film trailer that captures the best parts in the teaser, turns out those were the words that resonated the most for me. No offense meant...hers is an important message.

[Kristy Hales · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really resonated with me. Most of my life I've been way more concerned about my standing with people than who I am in Christ. Jennifer spoke truth into that...reminding me that my life is hidden in Him, not in the validation of people. Now on with the hard reality of living like I truly believe that. Great book!

[Leah Adams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful, challenging, engaging! Jennifer Lee has hit a home run with this book. Very few people do not struggle with finding their worth in the approval of other people. Our worth and value should only be found in Christ. I recommend this book to everyone!

[Carol Apgar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. Challenged me to examine my own love idols.

[Leah]

Such a joy to interview Jennifer Dukes Lee today! She lives and walks the talk in her book.

[Jennifer Peterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone needs to read this book!!

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! Wish to get a hard copy vs. Kindle to add notes in and lend to people to read.

[Linda Stuckey · Rating 5 out of 5]

a life changing book

[Tasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I read this as someone who has struggled with her faith all my life and who is just now trying to start going to church again.

I really liked the theme and idea behind this book. It is definitely something I have always struggled with in my life, worrying about being accepted and using others’ opinions of me to determine my worth.

With that said, there were some parts where I had a hard time staying engaged or that seemed repetitive, which almost caused me to stop reading the book several times.

[Tabitha Pangburn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was screaming for a great book to really give me perspective into what I was dealing with emotionally and spiritually. This book was just the start for me as I journey to find inner contentment with where I was in life and where I wanted to be. A deep spiritual and scripture read for encouraging you to be happy with you. To love and be content with who you are and even opening your eyes to what or why you may have the need to please others and how to overcome that with the great One in you.