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152 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1993
’perhaps that’s the best of all stages when you’re falling in love, the stage, that is, where everything is still a cascade of unrealized potential, like when you’re standing outside an enormous amusement park of silence (just the distant sound of an orchestra tuning their instruments from somewhere beyond the trees) and you close your eyes and sigh in expectation, standing there before the main gate, where lightbulbs gleam brightly against the dark before you go inside, where the few attractions will just become noisier and noisier, more and more vulgar, as the jostling crowd grows even larger, the hawkers bolder, the entertainment simpler….until your reaction becomes a nightmare, as though these fancy, traditional firework displays were going off inside a prison cell… Finally, the gleaming lightbulbs and the fantastic displays go out, one by one, until the miraculous wonderland lies empty and abandoned, and the leaves begin to fall, suddenly it’s autumn, then the frost comes, it’s winter now, it’s snowing, the amusement park is buried in snow, covered in darkness and buried in snow, until the snow is the only thing left gleaming.’
’[T]hose are the people who are going to build their hopes in the Future; a future, oddly enough, that they regard in nostalgic terms, because it’s something they yearn for, they yearn and yearn, it’s something they’re actively working to produce, in a pleasant, large, though not overly large, happiness factory…therefore there’s no point in looking back, there’s just a compost heap of bygone days, days which to them are nothing but junk, rubbish, shit, good for nothing but fertilizing the ground from which their glorious future will spring.’
’It’s not the thought of death. No, that’s not the reason you ache in the springtime…it’s not an ache either, but a sorrow, a stab of worry…over life unlived; not the anger and angst about the fact that in the near future you won’t be experiencing anything at all (your fear of death actually decreases as you get older), but the nagging feeling that you haven’t experienced enough, that you’ve never really lived life, and even worse, that it’s to late to experience anything more, that the experiences you’ve had weren’t the experience you were meant to have, that somewhere along the way you took a wrong turn, and now it’s too late and as a result your life has in one sense been wasted.’
The trolley was black, and it looked like it had been through a fire or an explosion or maybe both, a wreck with no real route, but with a red cross on the door, and then the doors opened (the red cross had folded back and disappeared) and out had stepped a short, stocky, bareheaded (and bald) little man dressed in a shabby overcoat; his fingers sparkled with large rings showcasing various small gems. You thought he looked threatening, and you tensed yourself for a fight, but upon closer inspection, you decided that his face was actually warm, gentle and a little sad. Rings sparkling, he’d approached you and asked in an encouraging tone, Are you looking for someone? and, suddenly uncertain, you answered, Yes, but she’s not here, there must have been some misunderstanding, I don’t think either the clock or her heart works at night (it was suddenly night) and he said, Don’t worry about that, that’s not the reason you’re here, that was just an excuse; no, what you’ve got to understand is that meaning can be found in meaninglessness, and that these meaningless words hold all you need to know. Then he turned and vomited all over the platform. After that, he climbed back into the disfigured trolley, the doors closed (you noticed the red cross was now a skull), and the trolley had descended toward the city and disappeared.
En aquel momento era feliz, y jamás se le ocurre a nadie (a los otros, es decir, a los que son felices ahora, o a los que jamás han sido felices, ¿ni felices ni infelices?) que tal ser verdad, que una vez (durante un breve instante) vez pueda uno fue feliz, y que ya no lo es, jamás se les ocurre, porque este es el pecado que ellos, si hubiesen sido Santos Padres (algo que quizá, a su manera, son), habrían añadido como el octavo pecado mortal, junto a la Soberbia, la Envidia, la Ira, la Pereza, la Avaricia, la Gula y la Lujuria, en otras palabras, la Nostalgia; así es, piensas (para ti mismo, siempre para ti mismo), porque estas son las personas que van a construir el Futuro, un futuro que curiosamente les hace sentirse nostálgicos, lo ansían, lo añoran, van a producir su gran futuro en una agradable factoría de la felicidad, grande, aunque tampoco en exceso, el engranaje ya está en marcha, trabaja sin descanso, por eso uno no puede mirar atrás, donde solo queda el compost de los días, el estiércol, la mierda que no tiene otro propósito más que el de abonar el futuro. El futuro, todo lo bueno se encuentra por definición en el futuro, porque, si uno no fuese a ser feliz nunca en el futuro, y solo lo hubiese sido en el pasado, ¿cómo podrían mantenerse en marcha los engranajes?, ¿para qué tendría uno que esforzarse?, ¿cómo podrían tenerse las axilas sudadas y, al mismo tiempo, una sonrisa alegre en los labios?, ¿si uno tuviese la certeza de estar construyéndose felicidad?, ¿qué sucedería con la eficacia?, ¿la eficacia zumbante de la felicidad que está por venir? Se iría al traste. Pero, mientras te calles todo esto, podrás recordarlo, y decírtelo a ti mismo, únicamente a ti mismo.