Love Your Enemies: How to Break the Anger Habit & Be a Whole Lot Happier

by Sharon Salzberg, Robert A.F. Thurman

When people and circumstances upset us, how do we deal with them? Often, we feel victimized. We become hurt, angry, and defensive. We end up seeing others as enemies, and when things don’t go our way, we become enemies to ourselves.

But what if we could move past this pain, anger, and defensiveness?

Inspired by Buddhist philosophy, this book introduces us to the four kinds of enemies we encounter in life: the outer enemy, people, institutions, and situations that mean to harm us; the inner enemy, anger, hatred, fear, and other destructive emotions; the secret enemy, self-obsession that isolates us from others; and the super-secret enemy, deep-seated self-loathing that prevents us from finding inner freedom and true happiness.

Genres: Nonfiction, Buddhism, Self Help, Spirituality, Psychology, Meditation, Inspirational

172 pages, Hardcover

First published March 1, 2013

About the author

One of America’s leading spiritual teachers and authors, Sharon Salzberg is cofounder of the Insight Meditation Society (IMS) in Barre, Massachusetts. She has played a crucial role in bringing Asian meditation practices to the West. The ancient Buddhist practices of vipassana (mindfulness) and metta (lovingkindness) are the foundations of her work.

Reviews

[Cloris Kylie · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Love Your Enemies,” Sharon Salzberg and Robert Thurman say.

When I read the title of this book, my first question was, “How can I love people who’ve hurt me if I’m labeling them ‘enemies’?” I’ve learned that as soon as I see someone as separate from me and label him or her, I’m acting out of my ego, which means I cannot really love a person I call enemy.

Early into the reading, however, Thurman answered my question. He clarifies that “ultimately, we have no enemies. We think of an enemy as someone—or something—that blocks our happiness. But no other being can block our happiness; true happiness comes from within. Therefore, ultimately, we have no enemies.”

Salzberg and Thurman use the term “enemy” so we can clearly understand the message of love and acceptance they share with us. The book offers tools we can put in practice any time to come to terms with our so-called enemies. I especially enjoyed the basic and specialized meditations in the Appendix.

Also, the authors explain how “love” means to “wish for the happiness of someone,” so if we send thoughts of happiness to our enemies, we might not only bring happiness to these human beings (who are probably tormented as a result of their own actions,) but also achieve inner peace.

The most thought-provoking aspect of this book is the idea that we all have four kinds of enemies:
1. The outer enemy (people or institutions who’ve hurt us and situations that frustrate us.)
2. The inner enemy (negative emotions such as anger, hatred, and fear.)
3. The secret enemy (sense of disconnection from other people, which the authors call self-obsession and self-preoccupation.)
4. The super-secret enemy (lack of self-love—even at a subconscious level.)

The four kinds of enemies match the spiritual teachings that guide us to overcome expressions of the ego: a sense of separation from others, attachment to ideas and to the way things “should be,” and disconnection with our True Selves (love.)

Love Your Enemies helps us develop conscious awareness that if we don’t let go of our grudges, we won’t be hurting our enemies, but we’ll be hurting ourselves.

Sending thoughts of happiness to those who’ve harmed us isn’t something to be achieved in a day. Loving everyone is a practice, and as we grow into this practice, we’ll stop being offended easily, align with people who share our values, and let go of our personal history. I believe we need to focus on the latter. Embracing the emotions brought about by our past traumas and releasing these emotions are the healthiest steps we can take to achieve authentic happiness.

Love Your Enemies is a book written with love for the sake of love. For more about love, visit my blog, www.cloriskylie.com.

FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for this review. The opinion in this review is unbiased and reflects my honest judgment of the product.

[Annie]

I'm (almost) always reminded of why I don't read self-help books. Because I could write literally the exact same thing as these authors.

It's every trite truism that we all know, but saying it over and over again in different ways doesn't actually have any practical real-world effects. Love your enemies! They're people too! Turn the other cheek! We're our own worst enemies! Anger is really just a kind of fear! Be gentle with ourselves! Yes, thank you, we all know this, but it's obviously easier said than done, and you haven't given us any way of seeing it differently or using it more effectively.

It's not really a criticism of this book particularly, which puts a Buddhist spin on the typical party line but not to any better result, but on the genre in general. It's probably just a me-thing. Maybe someone else could get something out of this book/genre.

[Jas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very important book on how to be a positive influence and get things done in a world that uses hate and contempt to try to win.

Basically, do not try to make things happen by putting others down, expressing contempt, name calling. Try to get to know the competition on a personal level, learn from them; then you can come to a compromise that all can move forward to. A different opinion does not an enemy make.

[Arlene · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book took me through emotional boot camp, and I need it. I have read it once and will likely re-read it probably more than once more.

I find ideas I learned from it popping to mind throughout my day. Yet, the book was neither a pleasant nor easy read.

It is one of those books that, as you read, you understand a sentence but then realize there was more to it and so you re-read the sentence again.

It is a slim volume yet very challenging, thought-provoking, and though your ego or intellect may fight what you are learning in it, as you go, you find yourself promising yourself you'll read the entire book through and put any discomfort or apprehensions you feel from learning lessons (about yourself) aside. I wanted to try to accept what I was learning about myself in the hope that I could begin practice taught in it. I'm on my way.

I recommend it if you find yourself angry and are ready to be rid of the anger.

[Katie Curlee Hamblen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Man, this was a boring slog. Yet the lessons are some of the most important for me, so I read it anyway. I can't help but feel this could have been more interesting/shorter, but maybe it felt like too much of a rehash of other books on Buddhist principles. Maybe I need to re-read it when I am no longer in the throes of baby-brain (probably true of everything I've read lately). The meditations at the back are helpful, and I did glean some goodness out of it, but boooooring.

[Tiffany Young · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think the two authors should write their own separate books. They did not sound alike nor did they seem to complement one another's writing. I enjoyed Sharon's portion better, but found it discombobulating to go back and forth all the time.

[Misse Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title of this book is what attracted it to me during a leisurely stroll at the library. While it is exciting, the book itself left a lot to be desired. It was one of those self-help books that left me wondering why I picked up another fluff-filled book where the author(s) doesn’t explore any new concepts or new material.

The authors focused their work on four concepts that are important to developing a love ethic in response to the ego (defined by a disconnection with our true selves). They are: Outer Enemy, Inner Enemy, The Secret Enemy, and the Super Secret Enemy.

[Jodina Renae · Rating 5 out of 5]

By far one of the most important, meaningful, significant, and wise books I have ever read. I picked it up, not so much for the title, but the authors. This is one I will re-read and refer to regularly. And can I just say that the dedication written by Bob Thurman was one of the most beautiful and honoring things I’ve ever read as a woman.

[George Bremner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Salzberg and Thurman write a detailed explication of loving-kindness in practice. Traditionally lovingkindness meditations have four objects of reflection: self, neutral other, other you love, and other you hate. Here the four categories are: outer (people and institutions that harm us), inner (destructive impulses like anger, hate or fear), secret (self-obsession and preoccupation) and super-secret (deep seated self-loathing). I like this new breakdown because it goes beyond cultivating love in our hearts and focuses on root issues impeding our spiritual progress. All practices provided thought the book are also consolidated in the appendix, which allows the freedom of reading without having to bookmark along the way.

I recommend it for any level of meditation practitioner.

[Ryan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty basic. I think I would have found it more insightful were I not already 10 years deep into Buddhist practice. But because I am it felt more like Chicken Soup for the Buddhist curious soul. Very much a Vipassana based book.

[Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh. Disappointed, and I only hope that the parts I was particularly disappointed about were written by Sharon's co-author. I found very few insights that I had not heard before, and certainly no 'How to Break the Anger Habit', as in, real ways to work on breaking the anger habit. Overall, not very insightful, or helpful.

[Ram Tackett · Rating 1 out of 5]

Got a lot out of Sharon's sections. Too much traditional multi-life karma talk, and invocation of mythical Tibetan Bodhisattvas, from Thurman. Really looking for pragmatic, grounded, modern practice, not mysticism.

[Litbitch · Rating 4 out of 5]

I managed to get through this without ever quite throwing it across the room, which I consider an homage to the book itself. Perhaps the inclusion of Religious Buddhist beliefs about reincarnation, which I find racist, was a sneaky little test of the effectiveness of the book's techniques? A little poke in the ribs, a little prodding? "Does this make you angry? Does it? Huh? What are you going to do about it? Throw me across the room? Is that really the most mindful reaction? Maybe you should re-read chapter 2."

I didn't throw the book across the room. I wrote a blog post about the suckiness of Buddhist Reincarnation, at least as interpreted by Bob Thurman, who is something of an expert. (here if you're interested: https://outofthewhitenest.com/2020/07... ) And though my body cringed every time the theory of reincarnation was offered as a reason for our difficulty, I got through it.

Please don't allow me to get in the way of your peace. There is so much good teaching in this book, so much unveiling of the way that anger enervates us, debilitates us, increases our own misery. I am clinging to this belief a little more tightly than usual these days, because I have participated in a lot of activist discussion, protest, and volunteering, largely in response to horrific, racist killings. Social media is probably the worst of it, but I have also been live that I have to be angry, that if I am not angry then I am ignorant or cold or stupid. And I think that's bullshit, but I leave myself open to abuse if I express that to more than a few, close friends.

I don't blame anyone for being angry. Anger is a natural reaction. But I feel pain for people who believe they need to hold onto that anger in order to be useful, and I feel judgy towards White people who think being angry about racism means anything or does anything. Above all, I wish everyone would accept that anger is just an emotion, neither good nor bad, and certainly nothing to build anything on. It is not a foundation, it's a terminal branch; it bears no fruit. That doesn't mean it needs to be pruned, but anything productive needs to come from another branch. *sigh* I really hope this wisdom starts to become more pervasive.

The timing is good. I've listened to Sharon and Bob today at a virtual Ram Dass Love Serve Remember retreat. Everyone is talking about compassion and the destructiveness of hatred and it is a balm for my soul. Peace, yo.

[Julie Capell · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many important things in here to think about. It's really too much to absorb; I'm sure I'll read this at least one more time. It's the kind of book where certain parts will feel very relevant depending on where your life is at the time when you read it. And other parts will be over your head. Well, they were definitely over my head! Going back and forth between the parts written by Sharon Salzberg and the parts written by Robert Thurman made for a bit of choppiness at times but each one clearly has great wisdom to share. It was a little more difficult in the Kindle edition because the only difference between the sections was the margin size. Apparently in the hard copy of the book, different typefaces are used to indicate which author is writing. That might have made it easier to see how they were playing off each other's thoughts.

[Summer · Rating 2 out of 5]

I personally didn't love this book. The writing was very flowery. Towards the end it got very woo-woo.

Of course, I think it's a very good message, but the academic and deeply spiritual way it was written just wasn't my cup of tea. This is a book for a very serious student of Buddhism.

I also found the trade off between the authors to be a bit odd. None of us has any fixed individualism, but these two can't collaborate?

The cover of this book got more attention in my work breakroom than any other books I've read. People were deeply drawn to it and wanted to express something about themselves when they saw it. I found it interesting that a phrase I grew up would be viewed as so provocative!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

notes (audiobook… hate not being able to highlight though)

- thoughts have consequences in the physical world; thoughts as action

- human potential -> to do harm, to create joy / choice

- metta; this book is better suited for practitioners who know the foundations and can find the dots and depths of the sections, otherwise it does sound like fluff (and is repetitive tbh because there are many ways to frame the same message, just gotta look at major religions for that…)

- thurman v diff than salzberg (knew going in), listening felt like listening to two short themed dharma talks, also he reminds me of yoda lol

- sincerity, authenticity, genuine presence

[Vladimir · Rating 2 out of 5]

Whereas there's interesting and insightful stuff in here, it feels slightly disjointed and it's not a very smooth read. Some stories are repeated from their previous books, which I found especially annoying - the least you can do is come up with different examples. :-) Both Sharon Salzberg and Robert Thurman are brilliant people and remarkable teachers and I feel bad giving it 2 stars, however, I do feel that that's how many this book deserves.

[Brooks Johnson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Powerful stuff, though it is helpful to have some familiarity with advanced Buddhist concepts or an openness to learn. I was left feeling less than capable of achieving some of the goals laid out in the book, which focused so much on perfection and less on process. Not enough attention is paid to developing the practice that leads to these insights while the authors linger on what wisdom and freedom awaits.

[нєνєℓ ¢ανα · Rating 3 out of 5]

The subject is pretty important and quite significant in our convulsing world in today's standards, specially in those areas where violance is a huge factor in the presence of the community and is increasing in a daily basis. Thus the book could reach much more than what it offers actually. At least, good try.

[Trina · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a lot for a short book, like a lifetime of work. Definitely no short cuts here, but good guidance nonetheless. However, I found the distinct passages and writing styles of the authors to be confusing at times. It felt like they weren’t writing the book together but that some editor took their separate work and combined it — the content deserves 4 stars.

[Trina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read Love Your Enemies because I came at the world with a vigor that bordered on contagious anger. I wanted to know more about how to come at situations with love, understanding and patience. Good and quick read. :)

[Sergio C. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not the content I was looking for. Didn't meet my expectations. Read to page 60 (20-25%) and gave up. It was all over the place, not as structured as I would have liked. Loved Sharon's first book Real Happiness.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unfortunately, this book was a little diminished by repetitive stories from Salzburg’s other works and Thurman, who came off as a bit flippant and patronizing. Those points aside, the book still contained some good thoughts about overcoming the us vs them habits of the mind.

[Jacqueline]

"Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope - a slight change, and all patterns alter." - Sharon Salzberg

[All The Lights Are Stars · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again.. Sharon Salzberg is my chosen teacher!

[Katy]

Takeaways :
1) Our enemies are internal as much as external
2) The anger we feel when we are pained magnifies (not reduces) the pain - pg 9

[Siskiyou-Suzy]

I kinda hold grudges. They're angry grudges. I hardly remember this book because of how unhelpful it felt. I wish I could be more precise as to why, but I decided not to finish it.

[Cherie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like Sharon Salzberg's books better than ones with other people....good tips and insight on tolerance and love for other human beings.

[Claire Abs]

to-read

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading on Hoopla download. Online reading is a pain, good content but I refuse to read online in bed so I may not finish this one.