Wishful Thinking: How I Lost My Faith and Why I Want to Find It

by Donna Freitas

Donna Freitas wants to believe. Raised Catholic, she sang songs about Jesus as a child and lived in a house where nuns and priests were regular guests, yet she found herself questioning the faith of her family, examining the reasons none of it added up, and distancing herself from the God of Christianity.

Despite her questions—or perhaps because of them—she made a career out of trying to understand God, pursuing a Ph.D. in religion and writing books about Christianity for a living. But even as she taught college students about mystics, theologians, and others who wrestled with God, she was never able to embrace a faith of her own, no matter how hard she tried.
 
In this searingly-honest and deeply personal book, Freitas retraces her roundabout path up and out of the wilderness toward hope, and her dogged—and ongoing—search for faith. She talks about her experience with the Catholic abuse scandal; about being embraced as a speaker at hundreds of evangelical colleges; about how the death of her mother and the loss of her marriage made her question everything she thought she knew about love; how she cannot reconcile the ways the concept of God makes absolutely no sense; and how she cannot stop trying to believe, despite it all.
 
Real, raw, and beautifully-written,  Wishful Thinking  is a powerful story about the author’s search for belief in God, and of finding God in the most unexpected places. 
 

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

256 pages, Hardcover

First published March 26, 2024

About the author

Donna Freitas is the author of The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano, Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention, and many other novels and nonfiction books for adults, children, and young adults. Her latest YA novel is a rom-com that takes place in her favorite city, Barcelona: Stefi and the Spanish Prince. She has been featured on NPR and The Today Show, and her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The LA Times, among many other places. Donna currently serves on the faculty at Fairleigh Dickinson University’s MFA program. She also lives half the year in Barcelona where she loves partaking of its many bakeries and delicious restaurants galore. Learn more about Donna at www.donnafreitas.com and on Substack: https://donnafreitas.substack.com.

Reviews

[Anita Pomerantz · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I read Donna's book, Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention, I was blown away by her honesty and integrity. This book shows her same fearlessness. She puts herself out there fully on her struggles with Catholicism and with belief in God, despite her religious upbringing. I appreciate this type of completely forthcoming memoir, but it's very introspective, psychological and philosophical. There aren't that many anecdotes that really illustrate the struggles. Which unfortunately does limit the audience somewhat. I think people who generally are facing the same type of struggles with their faith will like this book. People who appreciate the dichotomy between religious and secular belief systems and how those two can conflict over and over again in contemporary life will appreciate this book. People who are wanting to believe, but can't quite bring themselves to, and people who are interested in the big life questions - - that's who will like this type of read. As someone who is not Catholic (nor Christian), not a believer really, and not someone who feels faith would enhance my life appreciably - - I don't think I'm quite the audience. But, something about Donna's voice did keep me engaged regardless, so I think for some people this book will make them feel less alone in their search for faith.

[Dave Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

I very much found a kindred spirit in this one, even if our paths have led us in slightly different directions. I love how Freitas describes that perpetual space of being haunted by our quesitons and our struggles. So much so that it seemingly becomes a part of who we are. Whether we hold to faith or not, we are given to that fervent wrestling. There is a certain awareness that comes from this which makes us more aware and more concious of the limits of our knowledge. It can also take a toll on our mental, spiritual and physical well being.

For the author, the wishful thinking part of the equation emerges from the tension of her struggle to believe and her recognition that she can't help but want to believe and is driven to believe, at times in spite of her rational senses and sometimes because it seems true and right. That she remains an atheist is simply a two-fold recognition: that all of us must believe something to be true in order to actually live and act in the world, and secondly, when one finds themselves in a constant push and pull, the atheist position feels more naturally true of such a state.

Wha'ts interesting is that my own acceptance of this space, this push and pull, is precisely what gives me the freedom to embrace Christianity. And if I had a central pushback on some of Freitas process, it would be that it feels as though much of her struggle and her wrestling, for as appropriate as it is, continues to revolve around a singular, narrowed perspective of fundamentalist religion. Why do I say this? Because so much of her assessments in the book and her grievances are specifically defined as such and aimed in that direction.

And don't get me wrong, I absolutely share in her struggles with that form of religious expression. I have simply found a home in a more liberative space in the broader world of theological, philsophical and academic thought. For me there are two aspects to my wrestling: the question of God's existence, and the particular shape of my specific Christian convictions. In both cases belief and doubt coexist within that persistent internal restlessness. If doubts loom larger on one day than they do the next, my convictions simply rest on the simple fact that i must neverthless live and believe in some way. And thus I trust that living as a Christian, by which I mean to see the world from that lens and participate in it from that vantage point, is the only way I could ever truly hope to know that it is true.

[Star Gater · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you Worthy Publishing | Worthy Books for allowing me to read and review Wishful Thinking How I Lost My Faith and Why I Want to Find It
by Donna Freitas on NetGalley.

Published: 03/26/24

Stars: 3

Genres: Biographies & Memoirs | Health, Mind & Body | Religion & Spirituality

Generally speaking I shy away from religious and spiritual memoirs. My experience is that God is good until he isn't with a lot of people. I had read Consent in 2022 by the author and today can visualize the cover, the story and the writing; 2024 has been my least memorable year of books, most I've forgotten before I finished them and I wish -- hope -- not pray that Wishful Thinking goes on the I don't remember list quickly. Freitas has written several other books I would like to explore but not with the dread I currently am feeling.

Wishful Thinking is written by an only child who is in fact an adult woman with her doctorate and two marriages. There is a whole lot of unexplained whining. She is brought up in a traditional catholic household (not me) and spends too much time whining about that. People were kind to the author and her family throughout serious illnesses and deaths, and on one hand she says thank you, with the other hand she whines.

This may be for you. Three stars is my standard for memoirs. There is a clear disconnect between Freitas here and me with Consent.

[Brittany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved reading Donna's story - she embraces doubt and her struggle with faith, love and loss, suffering and hope in such a beautiful and meaningful way. All the stars, all the recommendations - we need stories like hers and I'm so glad I took the time to read it.

StoryGraph Review

[Eady Jay · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated Donna Freitas’ recent memoir, Wishful Thinking. Donna was raised Catholic, but has spent the majority of her adult life as an atheist. However, she has teetered on the edge of faith probably her entire life. As a deconstructing Evangelical, I can relate to her struggles with faith. She describes the heritage of faith, prayers to saints, figurines etc. that her mother, father and grandmother displayed as she grew up in their home. She talks about embracing belief as a young child but finding it stifling as a teenager.

Though an outspoken atheist in college, very fascinated by philosophy, one of Donna’s professors encouraged her to take the “Religious studies” route. This changes the course of her life in both positive and negative ways. She is stalked and traumatized by a Professor who is also a Catholic priest, and not many years later, the cover-up of sexual assault within the Catholic church is uncovered by the media. This does a lot of damage to any faith Donna may have been developing through her studies.

Donna seems particularly fascinated with the relegation of sex and sexuality to a topic Catholics have strict views on but generally avoid discussing. She has studied and researched sex on college campuses, written a book on the topic, and has the desire to change Catholicism from within. She illustrates how there are not enough role-models for teenagers and young adults as they explore and mature sexually. She contrasts this with Evangelical books that are influential, though they might push a very conservative message. I can see her point and I too want to see even more progressive and relevant messages circulated.

I loved the eye-opening chapter that explained and contrasted Catholicism and Evangelicalism! It seems to me as though Donna is essentially deconstructing and reconstructing her faith, very similarly to how many evangelicals are today, but is coming from a different background where scriptural authority and interpretation was left to those higher up in the Church hierarchy.

I also really enjoyed the chapters about philosophy and philosophers. Donna shares about the “dark night of the soul” as described by philosophers and also as her own experience. Philosophy helped her make sense of her experience in a similar way to how religious deconstruction and reconstruction have impacted my own experience of depression as a young adult and my overall mental health. The philosophers became her companions and helped pull her out of the pit, in the same way that reading spiritual books and deconstructing unhealthy beliefs (like hell and purity culture) have aided my mental stability.

I resonated with Donna’s relationships to her deceased parents and grandmother. She feels she is conjuring their spirits when she writes. She is grappling with grief, expressing her emotions, and healing her relationships with them, though they aren’t physically here. I have experienced the same with my deceased mother—as though she is propelling me forward to a new and healthier kind of faith.

Donna concludes the book on very hopeful notes that her Catholicism is not utterly destroyed and that she not only wants to have faith, but sees the proof of her faith within the pages of her memoir. She also describes how powerful writing actually is, not only memoir writing but also the fiction she has written. It allows one to go on a journey of self-discovery, to express one’s mind, heart and soul, and find the meaning and purpose we all long for. I one hundred percent agree and have experienced the same.

I was hooked on Donna’s introduction to the book where she describes using
“The confines of a book and all the space it offers to try to come up with an answer, to get over the thing that has me hurting and lost, or to bring a little light back in if my days have grown particularly dark. Writing helps me to be in a mystery and it functions a bit like a therapist’s office at times—or as a confessional if the subject fits.”
I loved that she circled back around to this at the end of the book. She has written the story of her faith journey, with its many highs and lows, in rich, expressive language, pictures, and stories.

Thank you, Donna, for this beautiful book.

[Elissa Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated Donna Freitas’ recent memoir, Wishful Thinking. Donna was raised Catholic, but has spent the majority of her adult life as an atheist. However, she has teetered on the edge of faith probably her entire life. As a deconstructing Evangelical, I can relate to her struggles with faith. She describes the heritage of faith, prayers to saints, figurines etc. that her mother, father and grandmother displayed as she grew up in their home. She talks about embracing belief as a young child but finding it stifling as a teenager.

Though an outspoken atheist in college, very fascinated by philosophy, one of Donna’s professors encouraged her to take the “Religious studies” route. This changes the course of her life in both positive and negative ways. She is stalked and traumatized by a Professor who is also a Catholic priest, and not many years later, the cover-up of sexual assault within the Catholic church is uncovered by the media. This does a lot of damage to any faith Donna may have been developing through her studies.

Donna seems particularly fascinated with the relegation of sex and sexuality to a topic Catholics have strict views on but generally avoid discussing. She has studied and researched sex on college campuses, written a book on the topic, and has the desire to change Catholicism from within. She illustrates how there are not enough role-models for teenagers and young adults as they explore and mature sexually. She contrasts this with Evangelical books that are influential, though they might push a very conservative message. I can see her point and I too want to see even more progressive and relevant messages circulated.

I loved the eye-opening chapter that explained and contrasted Catholicism and Evangelicalism! It seems to me as though Donna is essentially deconstructing and reconstructing her faith, very similarly to how many evangelicals are today, but is coming from a different background where scriptural authority and interpretation was left to those higher up in the Church hierarchy.

I also really enjoyed the chapters about philosophy and philosophers. Donna shares about the “dark night of the soul” as described by philosophers and also as her own experience. Philosophy helped her make sense of her experience in a similar way to how religious deconstruction and reconstruction have impacted my own experience of depression as a young adult and my overall mental health. The philosophers became her companions and helped pull her out of the pit, in the same way that reading spiritual books and deconstructing unhealthy beliefs (like hell and purity culture) have aided my mental stability.

I resonated with Donna’s relationships to her deceased parents and grandmother. She feels she is conjuring their spirits when she writes. She is grappling with grief, expressing her emotions, and healing her relationships with them, though they aren’t physically here. I have experienced the same with my deceased mother—as though she is propelling me forward to a new and healthier kind of faith.

Donna concludes the book on very hopeful notes that her Catholicism is not utterly destroyed and that she not only wants to have faith, but sees the proof of her faith within the pages of her memoir. She also describes how powerful writing actually is, not only memoir writing but also the fiction she has written. It allows one to go on a journey of self-discovery, to express one’s mind, heart and soul, and find the meaning and purpose we all long for. I one hundred percent agree and have experienced the same.

I was hooked on Donna’s introduction to the book where she describes using
“The confines of a book and all the space it offers to try to come up with an answer, to get over the thing that has me hurting and lost, or to bring a little light back in if my days have grown particularly dark. Writing helps me to be in a mystery and it functions a bit like a therapist’s office at times—or as a confessional if the subject fits.”
I loved that she circled back around to this at the end of the book. She has written the story of her faith journey, with its many highs and lows, in rich, expressive language, pictures, and stories.

Thank you, Donna, for this beautiful memoir.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Donna Freitas is an outspoken Catholic feminist, terms that appear at first glance to be an oxymoron. But her story proves that oxymorons these are not.

Raised in a Catholic household with a sweet mother who was always praying, the author rebelled against the dogma of the church and the insistence on one God when she learned at a young age about the gods of Ancient Greece and Rome, the gods of ancient myth. She decided that since such other gods existed, the god worshipped by the Catholic Church could not possibly be the only God and becomes a precocious atheist. She marks this unexplained dissonance as the beginning of her loss of faith and vows to absent herself from the church as much as possible. Apparently, no one explained to her that the ancients worshipped many gods, something I find puzzling, although this may represent the bias of a Catholic school education.

I, too, rebelled against my parents, practically from birth, but never on matters of faith, ritual, and belief. But I suspect my upbringing was much different than the author’s.

She goes to college at Georgetown University and periodically experiences dark nights of the soul, which she has no insight into and finds it hard to climb out of, episodes that are clearly severe depressions. However, she eventually finds her way out and goes on to get a degree in philosophy. I’ve had those in my life as well, but even in the 1960’s sought therapy. The fact that the author did not is puzzling although she states when she was in college such services were not readily available.

As her story goes on, to make a long story short, she pursues a degree in philosophy after reading philosophy that seems in sync with her own worldview, and eventually gets a Ph.D in religious studies. While studying at Catholic University, she is stalked and harassed by a particular priest, which results in another crisis of faith, or the lack thereof. These incidents are covered up by the Church. Eventually, she emerges whole and wholly Catholic, but not someone who merely settles into dogma. Rather, she becomes the Catholic feminist that she is today.

One thing I found interesting is that throughout her search for faith, it is always Catholicism to which she seeks to return, which tells me that she never had doubts about this religion. This is certainly reasonable. However, generally seekers explore other faith traditions in their quest to find spiritual resonance, and it does not seem that the author, aside from her studies of philosophy, ever studied religions other than the one of her family of origin. For me, this is a reminder to learn more about faiths other than my own.

I have very mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, it’s an engaging and well-written memoir of a spiritual journey. On the other hand, the story is familiar to anyone who has had doubts about who they are who set forth on a journey of self-discovery. As a memoir, it is one person’s journey. And yet, I’m left with feeling I’m not sure that what the author claims to be what drove her faith underground is really the root cause. When I finished I said to myself that while the author’s journey is quite extraordinary and clearly a sort of Hero’s Journey ala Joseph Campbell, I’m not sure the book needed to be published.

I received this book from the publisher and NetGalley.

[Chantelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Donna Freitas's "Wishful Thinking" is a deeply personal and candid journey through her tumultuous relationship with faith. Raised in a devout Catholic household yet plagued by persistent doubts, She embarks on a quest to reconcile her upbringing with her own evolving beliefs. From her childhood singing hymns to her academic pursuits in religion, Freitas grapples with questions of God, love, and meaning, all against the backdrop of her own life experiences.

Her narrative is searingly honest, offering you an intimate glimpse into her struggles with faith and the complexities of her journey. She confronts head-on the Catholic abuse scandal, her encounters with evangelical colleges, and the profound losses that shake the foundations of her beliefs. Through it all, her writing is raw and emotionally resonant, inviting readers to accompany her on her search for meaning and connection.

What makes "Wishful Thinking" truly compelling is her unwavering commitment to authenticity. She doesn't shy away from the messy realities of doubt and disillusionment, yet she also finds moments of unexpected grace and insight along the way. Through her vulnerability and keen insight, she offers a beacon of hope for us readers that are grappling with their own questions of faith.

In "Wishful Thinking," Donna Freitas delivers a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the enduring search for belief. This is a book that speaks to anyone who has ever questioned their faith, offering solace, understanding, and ultimately, a renewed sense of possibility. For me, being raised by a father that was a Pastor, I completely understand where she is coming from.
Great Read!

[Cheryl Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this memoir. It’s deeply honest and vulnerable and tackles a very personal question, do you believe in God? Donna shares intimate stories about her search for God and an insatiable drive to want to experience God and or faith. It’s a complex story as Donna grows up in a Catholic family, surrounded by people who don’t appear to question their belief in God. Donna shares openly about her own resistance to blindly believing in the God that her family believes in. She shares her personal experience of a “dark night of the soul” that brings her innate search for God to the surface and opens up a life long journey to want to understand her own faith; her family’s faith, and the role of faith and religion in a modern world. Donna tackles such a complex topic with care, intelligence and honesty, together with some good humor. The stories Donna shares about her childhood are incredibly heart warming, it’s hard not to fall in love with her sweet family. Highly recommend.

[Dalyn Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wishful Thinking is a raw, courageous, and beautifully written memoir that examines faith not as certainty, but as longing, doubt, and persistence. Donna Freitas approaches belief with intellectual rigor and emotional vulnerability, inviting readers into her lifelong struggle to reconcile faith, reason, and lived experience. Rather than offering easy answers, the book honors the complexity of spiritual searching and the cost of asking difficult questions.

What makes this memoir especially powerful is its honesty. Freitas writes openly about loss, institutional betrayal, grief, and love while refusing to abandon the hope that belief might still be possible. Her reflections on Catholicism, evangelical spaces, academic theology, and personal heartbreak are woven together with grace and clarity. Wishful Thinking is a deeply humane exploration of faith found not in certainty, but in the refusal to stop seeking.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Raised Catholic, Donna Freitas wants to believe in God. Her mother embodies faith, and Donna grew up asking dozens of questions. But she could not find satisfactory answers despite attending Catholic schools and studying religion. The spark of faith refuses to hold.
This story is her attempt to write her way into an answer and work through her lack of faith. I didn't find any answers to the author's lack of faith and am not sure the author did either. But I appreciated her story and efforts. It's mostly about her mother and touches on key events in the author's life. The world needs her voice.

[Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Donna Freitas has truly bared her soul in this memoir describing her lifelong search for faith. Beginning at the age of six, the author questioned the concept of one true God and her mother's unwavering faith. I was able to learn a lot about the Catholic Church which had always been a mystery to me. Thanks to NetGalley, Worthy Publishing and the author for an advance copy to read and review.

[Liz Sergent · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the opportunity to read this book. All thoughts are my own. Great book about being raised in a strict catholic household and having doubts of her faith. This book came to me in a time that I needed a a different perspective on faith and this book gave it to me! Great read - totally recommend!

[Greer Gurland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Donna Freitas’ memoir is an astonishing example of how the puzzle pieces of a life come together in surprising, poignant ways to create meaning beyond what we might ever have imagined. Gorgeously written, wishful thinking left me hopeful and full of wonder at the possibilities hidden in plain sight in every life.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great book about honest questions about faith and God. Surrounded by church at Catholic school, Catholic mass, Catholic Sunday school, generations of believers, Donna presents her questions thoughtfully. Good read

[Caitlin Wahrer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve never read a memoir like this before, and I loved it. It felt so intimate to watch someone try to solve the mystery of why she wanted to have spiritual faith so badly, and why it eluded her. After I read it, I bought this book as a gift for my mom! Beautiful, intimate, funny!

[Kandi Lopez · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book! it showcases how losing faith , the tribulations and how to regain faith. It has shown me I am not alone. I have been there were my faith wanders.

[Nicole]

Thanks to Italic Type for the copy of this book.

Incredibly moving and deeply relatable for me. A special one

[Lisabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such an inspirational book. People who struggle with finding God will want to read this book. I highly recommend it.

[Andrea Jo DeWerd · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful memoir of exploring what faith means -- how we develop it as children, how our relationship to faith changes as we grow, how we can lose faith in our darkest moments, and what it means to come home to oneself and one's faith.