Conscious Grieving: A Transformative Approach to Healing from Loss

by Claire Bidwell Smith

From one of the leading grief therapists, this compassionate and accessible guide to grieving offers a new framework for understanding and navigating loss."This gentle book will walk you through the darkest valley. Warm, practical, and kind, it will lift your spirit and tell you the truth―you are not alone." ―Kate Bowler, New York Times bestselling author of No Cure for Being Human Conscious Grieving is a book for anyone seeking guidance and support after loss. Renowned grief therapist Claire Bidwell Smith combines her deeply personal experience of loss with her long career spent working with thousands of people to introduce a new approach to grief, one that promotes hope and even transformation. What does it mean to grieve consciously? Most of the time, when we lose someone we love, it feels like grief is just happening to us. We feel out of control, and overwhelmed. Claire reminds us that while loss is something that inevitably happens to all of us, how we choose to grieve is up to us. When we can consciously engage with our grief, rather than avoiding it, we can access profound pathways to healing. Presented in a series of thoughtful, brief vignettes that don’t overwhelm the reader, Conscious Grieving offers a new framework for each stage of Entering, Engaging, Surrendering, and Transforming. Entering – staying present and taking care of ourselves as we navigate the shock and upheaval of a new loss. Engaging – navigating that first year after a loss by staying in tune with our needs as more complicated feelings of depression, guilt or anger surface. Surrendering – facing the changes to our identity and who we are becoming in the face of loss. Transforming – through ritual, honor, hope, and grace, and learning to carry our grief with intention so that we can continue to grow, heal, and thrive.
Grief asks a lot from us. But the ability to grieve is a birthright. Healing means making our lives worth the pain we endure when we lose someone we love. And transforming through grief is an opportunity afforded to all.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Personal Development, Audiobook, Counselling

240 pages, Paperback

Published March 12, 2024

About the author

Claire Bidwell Smith lives in Los Angeles. She is the author of the books The Rules of Inheritance (Penguin 2012), and After This (Penguin, 2015). Claire works in private practice as a therapist specializing in grief.

The Rules of Inheritance, a Barnes & Noble Discover Pick and a Books for a Better Life nominee, has been published in 17 countries and is currently being turned into a film.

Claire received a BA in creative writing from The New School and a MA in clinical psychology from Antioch University. She has written for many publications including The Huffington Post, Salon.com, Slate, BlackBook Magazine and Chicago Public Radio. Her background includes travel and food writing, working for nonprofits like Dave Eggers’ literacy center 826LA, and bereavement counseling for hospice.

Reviews

[Brit (britlovestoread)]

I've read a lot of books on grief lately and I really appreciated this but at the same time I'm not sure that it went as deep as some of the other books I've read on the subject. Still a very good read and I know the author worked really hard on this.

[Marina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to the audiobook for work - need to purchase so I can have a hard copy resource ❤️

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book to read before (and keep in your tool kit) and after a loss.
I thought the Reflection with an action item at the end of each discussion was a nice touch. This allows the reader to stop and think about how what they just read applies to them.
When you are deep in grief you don’t exactly stop and think about how it’s affecting your body, mind and other parts of your life. The studies and explanations of how it affect you emotionally and physically were very interesting as I’ve not thought of some of these before. The author even gives ideas on how to manage, warning signs to look for and how/when to seek help for how you are feeling.
This book also walks you through the first year of grief and what you can expect as well as Holidays, birthdays and other special events. I thought that was helpful so that you have some idea as things happen that how you are feeling is a normal part of grief.
The last part of the book is all of the Tools that may help you along your grief journey.

Thank you to the Author, Publisher and NetGalley for the ARC.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Loss is something that happens to us, but how we grieve is up to us. Grieving consciously means choosing to intentionally engage with the emotions of pain, sorrow, anxiety, and anger."

Learning how to manage the engagement with grief is how this book supports the process. There isn't any one way to grieve. Claire has done a wonderful job of providing a collection of possibilities to do so. Think of it as a collection box for suggestions. Take what works, leave the rest.

[Rennie]

I don’t enjoy going through this as a potential resource for patients grieving, which means I probably wouldn’t recommend it. It’s too shallow. Much of it could’ve been conveyed in a very short essay.

[Natalie Sopic · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lovely, heart-centered and practical book about grieving and ways to go through grief while honoring the loved one.

[Clement · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really like and learn the continuing bonds theory. Here it is:

"When we lose someone close to us, we may feel that we can no longer converse with them or receive advice or input from them, but those interactions are still possible. When we know someone well or spent many years interacting with them, their thoughts, responses, and even humor become internalized. Try closing your eyes right now and conjuring up your person. Now ask them a question you would have asked them when they were here. Maybe it's about work or your marriage or even if they like the shirt you are wearing. I'm almost sure you know what their answer would be, what tone of voice they would use, and what kind of advice they would give you.

You don't need to know or feel that their words are coming from beyond. That doesn't matter. Because a very real version of them exists within you already. You can begin building or deepening your relationship by continuing to rely on them and continuing to seek their counsel and their love. Close your eyes and talk to them. Ask them what they would tell you right now and listen for their response. Ask them something funny, or something hard, and listen to what they have to say. You can do this any time you feel the urge. And doing so will ease that awful sense of disconnect and will bring them back to you."

Thank you Claire!

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had to read this book small bit at a time. It was easier to process that way to read a couple chapters and think about them and then come back to it. Of course grief is totally cyclical so I expect to come back to this book at some point after it’s been a while. I started reading about a month after I lost my mom and it helped me to process what I was feeling and understand that it was normal. I plan to recommend this book to my friends who experience a loss because I think it approaches loss with compassion and common sense and that’s how I like to approach it. It’s a very emotional time and I like to try to set aside those emotions to process things as logically as I can while still allowing myself to feel the grief.

[Alexandra Oduber · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a lifeline for those new to the landscape of grief, unsure of where to begin. It gently guides you on how to engage with your sorrow, transforming this heart-wrenching experience into a journey of profound growth. By embracing grief, no matter how painful, you find a way to survive and even thrive.
This book made me feel intimately connected to my loved one, even after their passing. I now know our relationship and all of the love have merely evolved, but they will never vanish 🤍

[Lara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a helpful read as always from Claire. I want to go back through this book and take notes when I do. The prompts throughout are such a helpful way to actively process your grief. This is such a great book for later in your grief journey when you are really ready to get in there and do the work you need to do in order to heal and truly process.

[Sonachú · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful and gentle way of taking time to be with your grief. Something that was written has stayed with me.. It was along the lines of "the grieving need to protect their peace" - I feel drawn to take time and sit with this book, which allows me to sit with myself and my loss. I don't usually write reviews but it's deserving. I will sit with it often.

[April Oharah Hernandez · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book on working your way through grief by allowing yourself to feel it. The author recommends several of the grief titles I have found most helpful. I plan to add this book to that list.

[Kez · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was like reading a whole bunch of blog posts by the same author on the same subject over several years. Somewhere along the way, you start to feel like you've read this part already... a bunch. But also, sometimes you realise they straight up contradict themselves too either because they don't have a clear grasp of what they're trying to say or because they have changed their positions in the time between the first blog post and those that followed. Still, the first half of this book was helpful to me after a significant loss. It felt soothing and reassuring in the chaos of the immediate aftermath of loss and reassured me that nothing that felt insane was abnormal and that there was no timeline to try to meet in grieving. The idea of leaning into grief and approaching it with curiosity instead of trying to run from it was probably my biggest takeaway and was also very helpful. This book also excels at presenting a very brief sort of literature review of the current theories and therapies around grief and processing grief. For these reasons it got 3 stars from me.

Where it falls down (and where I wanted to give it only 2 stars) is its lack of substantive depth beyond the above mentioned stuff. The author offers up religion as something that gets great results for helping people, but then tells you that you can pick and choose bits and pieces from all the available options and religions like a kind of Frankenstein's monster based solely on whether the bits and pieces vibe with you. Don't worry, she reassures us. None of them are right or wrong. Whatever you feel them to be is what they are. She also advises dropping any beliefs that no longer gel with you and recommends merely wishing what you want to believe about the afterlife into being and then believing that fantasy if it makes you feel better. She thus manages to remove all the things about religion that can actually help people cope with their loss. Religion doesn't work because people make up a fantasy and choose to believe it. It works because people actually believe their religion is true. They believe that it is bigger than themselves. That it is both personal to them and objectively true outside themselves, too. It's not just wish fulfillment or a flight of fantasy for people, and that is why it works. It provides them with something they feel is an objective framework through which they can view and potentially make sense of everything else.... including loss.

The book also claims that death is merely a transition to a different type of relationship with the one we love and we can still playact at them still being here (even to the point of getting their advice) and encourages us to basically just make up whatever we want their loss to mean based on whether or not it makes us feel better and then cling to that. In fact, there's so much encouraging people to just make-believe until we can convince ourselves something is true, it becomes frustrating. If I could just make my wishes reality, my loved one wouldn't be gone. And thus these two lots of advice—anti-religion and pro-fantasy—fall down where people are most looking for hope: in the offering of meaning and something secure and real in the midst of a very subjective and chaotic storm.

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is written in the second person and is a letter to grieving people. It is a synthesis of everything the author learned over the past twenty years as a grieving person and someone sitting with thousands of people along their journeys of loss. She was a therapist for fifteen years, working in private practice, hospice, retreats, and support groups. The book talks about how grief can be an intentional process because how we grieve is up to us. Sometimes, it is about leaning into the process with intention and consciousness.

The book is significant because the author breaks the topics into digestible pieces. It is an easy read; you can flip through it or open it anywhere. Some of the chapters and sections are only half a page. Besides covering the emotional aspects, the book touches on the physicality of grief, like getting headaches or stomachaches. There is also a section on complicated grief. At the end of each discussion was a Reflection with an Action item. This allows the reader to stop and think about what they just read and how it applies to them. This would be a thoughtful gift or a great tool for someone who may be struggling with loss.

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summer Book Bingo: Grief

Sometimes a project you are already undertaking (SPL/KCLS Book Bingo) has an unfortunate collision with real life. At the beginning of July, my older brother passed away (just about 2 weeks shy of the 3rd anniversary of our mom's death). His death was one of those events that might be best categorized as "shocking but not surprising," and the grief I'm experiencing doesn't always make sense. It's also swirling up feelings about my mom, my favorite cat who passed almost 4 years ago, and anticipatory grief around my current elderly cat who has cancer.

I feel like the best part of this book is that basically it is a lot of reassurance that everything around grief is normal, and gives an incredibly wide range of ideas/options to pick and chose from. Want to journal? Great, here are prompts at the end of every chapter that you are also totally free to ignore if that's not your thing. Don't know how you feel about the afterlife? That's OK; have you considered the idea that "afterlife" can also refer to a person's legacy?

It's insightful, gentle, and not preachy.

[Kayleigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is a great book to have read through and sat on while dealing with a loss. I felt particular resonance with the reflections at the end of each chapter which gave me something to sit with and think about before moving on. Some of them I journaled, some I didn't. The one that say with me the most was, "What do you need in order to feel safe enough to fall apart?" and as someone who feels a supreme responsibility to keep it all together, sitting on what I would need in order to not be that person made me reflect on myself and where I was in my grief vs a year ago, vs at many other points.

"Loss is something that happens to us, but how we grieve is up to us. Grieving consciously means choosing to intentionally engage with the emotions of pain, sorrow, anxiety, and anger."

[Dana DesJardins · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first half of the book is useful in its reassurance that grief's madness is a natural response rather than the aberration society deems it. The second relies on the kind of self-help cliches that make one want to kick furniture: we should meditate and build supportive communities. There is a kind of hubris involved in offering bromides. As Raynor Winn says, it is a kind of tightening one's own coat against the storm instead of offering to the sufferer.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well it only took me pretty much the whole year to finish out this book. I listened to the audio book and I think the reason it took me so long is because it wasn’t super engaging. I didn’t find that I learned many new skills or that it completely applied to my situation however it was beneficial in the reminder of grief and loss and what it looks like to slow down and be mindful of yourself when going through those situations.

[Marika · Rating 3 out of 5]

Soothing book that's meant for anyone experiencing grief over the death of a loved one, whether it's a recent or long ago loss. There wasn't much that I learned; it reinforced some things I had figured out on my own. I liked the way they kept writing "your person" as it somehow helped me feel less sad.

[Debbie Aruta · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing! I’ve read so many grief books where I felt that the writer has never lived through grief, this book was great. Helpful suggestions to helping me move be, finally, through my grief.

[Cleo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Appreciated the kindness this was written with. The reflections were interesting and I want to take some more time with them in the future. The audiobook was good but definitely supplemental to the hard copy with all of its tools / exercises.

[Crystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Claire is a gift to the world. This book covers so much so nicely, and has so many helpful concepts. I especially love listening to Bidwell Smith's books, because her voice and way of speaking is very soothing.

[Karen Luoto · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked the way this book was set up. Each chapter was only a couple pages so I could read and then reflect on each one. It helped me walk through some of the worst days of my life. I would recommend it to anyone going through any phase of grief.

[Kelly Bergin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an amazing book about grief and healing. I’ve given 4 people this book!

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

A basic primer on grief explored through Bidwell Smith’s four areas of Conscious Grieving. It may be a helpful guide a new griever.

[Karen Hughes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book walking through grief. Small chapters are perfect for grief brain.

[Susanne Huizing · Rating 5 out of 5]

The BEST book written on grief that I have read. Intentionally, authentic, and transparent.
I am grateful to have read it and will keep on reading it as I miss my favorite human.

[Leigh Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautifully written book.....

[Shelley Mac · Rating 5 out of 5]

It helped me after my mom passed away from cancer. Better than most grief books I read.

[Sammy Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for anyone handling any sort of grief. Nice short chapters, aesthetically easy to look at. Would 100% recommend.