What do you think?
Rate this book
Somewhere Upriver
Can a grown man be toppled with a straw and a newt?
Has evolution made humans into big babies?
Is salamander spit the newest weapon of mass destruction?
The answers lie "Somewhere Upriver."
Douglas Mortimer, just beginning graduate school, is on his way to fulfilling his lifelong dream – becoming a great scientist. But when he hires an eccentric old herpetologist as a research assistant, his plans for a successful future are de-railed. Douglas enters a world of toxic salamanders, quirky characters and government conspiracies, where the becomes believable.
Has evolution made humans into big babies?
Is salamander spit the newest weapon of mass destruction?
The answers lie "Somewhere Upriver."
Douglas Mortimer, just beginning graduate school, is on his way to fulfilling his lifelong dream – becoming a great scientist. But when he hires an eccentric old herpetologist as a research assistant, his plans for a successful future are de-railed. Douglas enters a world of toxic salamanders, quirky characters and government conspiracies, where the becomes believable.
- GenresFictionLiterature
300 pages, Paperback
First published August 21, 2013
5 people are currently reading
882 people want to read
About the author
Patrick Loafman
3 books26 followersPatrick Loafman, author of the novel "Somewhere Upriver," is also a wildlife biologist, artist and musician. He has published two chapbooks of poetry, and he edits "The Dandelion Farm Review." He's busy working on a second novel, "Garage Band."
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
September 12, 2013
Review of Somewhere Upriver by Patrick Loafman
Somewhere Upriver is a story of the Olympic Mountains of coastal Washington state, of the wildlife and sometimes-wild people who live there. Douglas Mortimer is the young scientist narrator who comes of age joining in the improbable adventures of the man who becomes his mentor, Peter Vernon. Peter is a dedicated naturalist who knows everything about salamanders, and soon the reader does, too. If this sounds like an improbable course for a novel, think of the best-selling books that taught us all we know about whales, great white sharks, elevators, velociraptors, viruses, and seagulls; Somewhere Upriver joins this popular and illustrious crowd.
The novel divides into three distinct parts. First the salamander-search, as the scientists look for new species. Gradually we recognize Peter as the center of the novel, larger than life, a gentle force of nature, a guru and shaman as wild and untamable as the mountains he roams in: a great naïf, innocent of his constant disruption of everything around him.
An incident of apparent poisoning leads to the second and best part of the novel: the trial of Peter Vernon for murder. Peter acts as his own attorney, disrupting the proceedings in as strange and entertaining a trial as you’re likely to encounter since Arlo Guthrie’s, but for much higher stakes. About to be convicted, Peter pulls off a scientific surprise and is freed.
In the last part of Somewhere Upriver, Douglas and Peter stumble across a hidden government installation protected by what has got to be the USA’s most inept FBI agent. The agent takes several people prisoner in a cabin in the forest, but thanks to Douglas’ heroics, the hostages escape.
Wonderful touches fill this novel, especially the imaginative imagery of textures and tactile sensations:
“The morning sky, blanched and anemic, fell to its knees. Wisps of clouds stretched their fingers outside my window as if searching Seattle for the strongest cup of coffee, a jolt of caffeine so the clouds could lift themselves off the city streets and return to the sky where they ought to be.”
And the couple who live underground, cautiously raising a moss-covered periscope to see what’s happening in the world outside.
But Peter Vernon remains the center of this tale: “I get into a little trouble now and then,” Peter says, “but at least you can’t say I’m boring.”
And none of this novel is boring, either: wonderful characters, action, humor, a little sex, and a vivid picture of one of the last American rainforests. It's great testimony that I really cared how the characters fared in the years that followed, as told in the epilogue.
And oh, yeah; I almost forgot the toads. We learn a lot about toads, too!
Somewhere Upriver is a story of the Olympic Mountains of coastal Washington state, of the wildlife and sometimes-wild people who live there. Douglas Mortimer is the young scientist narrator who comes of age joining in the improbable adventures of the man who becomes his mentor, Peter Vernon. Peter is a dedicated naturalist who knows everything about salamanders, and soon the reader does, too. If this sounds like an improbable course for a novel, think of the best-selling books that taught us all we know about whales, great white sharks, elevators, velociraptors, viruses, and seagulls; Somewhere Upriver joins this popular and illustrious crowd.
The novel divides into three distinct parts. First the salamander-search, as the scientists look for new species. Gradually we recognize Peter as the center of the novel, larger than life, a gentle force of nature, a guru and shaman as wild and untamable as the mountains he roams in: a great naïf, innocent of his constant disruption of everything around him.
An incident of apparent poisoning leads to the second and best part of the novel: the trial of Peter Vernon for murder. Peter acts as his own attorney, disrupting the proceedings in as strange and entertaining a trial as you’re likely to encounter since Arlo Guthrie’s, but for much higher stakes. About to be convicted, Peter pulls off a scientific surprise and is freed.
In the last part of Somewhere Upriver, Douglas and Peter stumble across a hidden government installation protected by what has got to be the USA’s most inept FBI agent. The agent takes several people prisoner in a cabin in the forest, but thanks to Douglas’ heroics, the hostages escape.
Wonderful touches fill this novel, especially the imaginative imagery of textures and tactile sensations:
“The morning sky, blanched and anemic, fell to its knees. Wisps of clouds stretched their fingers outside my window as if searching Seattle for the strongest cup of coffee, a jolt of caffeine so the clouds could lift themselves off the city streets and return to the sky where they ought to be.”
And the couple who live underground, cautiously raising a moss-covered periscope to see what’s happening in the world outside.
But Peter Vernon remains the center of this tale: “I get into a little trouble now and then,” Peter says, “but at least you can’t say I’m boring.”
And none of this novel is boring, either: wonderful characters, action, humor, a little sex, and a vivid picture of one of the last American rainforests. It's great testimony that I really cared how the characters fared in the years that followed, as told in the epilogue.
And oh, yeah; I almost forgot the toads. We learn a lot about toads, too!
September 21, 2013
Somewhere Upriver takes the reader on an adventurous trek in the life of a wildlife biologist. It's main theme is neoteny and man's de-evolution or regression, how adults don't really want to grow up. It also serves as an homage to the narrator's mentor, Peter, a character unlike any other. This facetious tale of toxicity, with a scientific bent, leaves the reader chuckling and at the same time learning something. The author delivers a true sense of each of the character's quirks.
October 30, 2013
Great characters in this book. I had no idea what a herpetologist was either, but after reading this novel, I learned what one was and a lot about what they study: salamanders and their toxins. I truly enjoy novels where you learn about stuff you knew nothing about, but in a fun way, and this book did that for me. Plus I had some good laughs.
October 5, 2013
Original and entertaining and the language was poetic at times. I especially liked some of the minor characters, my favorite was the Horned Toad. A couple of the chapters really had me laughing. If you're a Tom Robbins fan you should give this book a read.
October 17, 2013
It's a fun read and I learned a lot about salamanders. It started on the slow side but picked up pace fairly quickly. I loved that Spock character.
October 29, 2013
Awesome book! I love the way this guy writes, poetic and fun.
November 11, 2013
A joy to read!
November 19, 2013
Best novel I've read in a long time.
December 12, 2013
Very stylistic, humorous prose, chock full of interesting details. At times it overwhelms the characters' interactions, but it still makes for a fast and entertaining read. I had some pet peeves with the story itself, but the journey was fun enough that they're hardly worth mentioning. My biggest pet peeve with it was that there were a lot of problems with quotations- the end mark left off when switching to a different character or to narration, narration preceded by a quotation mark, that sort of thing. It was well edited otherwise, and the writing wasn't impeded by its distinct personality, but the need to pause and ascertain where the shift in dialogue happened slowed me down a lot. I love writers who put a sense of themselves, not just their interests, into their work, and this book definitely had that. I've got a soft spot for environmental fiction, and this hit that spot, with an additional poke at the parts of me that enjoy conspiracy theories and crazy people. It's been a fun trip. A few of the plot threads seemed somewhat illogical, especially toward the end. But again, a fun journey.
I received a free copy in exchange for an honest, nonreciprocal review.
I received a free copy in exchange for an honest, nonreciprocal review.
September 2, 2013
Original characters in a humorous plot with surprises and some interesting facts about amphibians in the Queets rainforest of Olympic National Park in Washington. Check out the web page http://ploafman.wix.com/patrickloafman for more info and some fun videos.
November 11, 2013
This novel was wonderful, taking me by the ear into the rainforests of the Olympics. That Peter Vernon character is a larger than life character. I especially enjoyed how he ended the book, following what happens to the minor characters. I hope this author will write another book soon.
November 21, 2013
A delightful novel with fun characters - I really loved the courtroom part where Peter Vernon's character really shined, and couldn't help but laugh at the references to the PBS painter/instructor Bob Ross. This is a good read by an unknown writer, at least I never heard of him before.
November 13, 2013
A riotous romp of a novel. I'm so glad to find a new novelist who writes with flare,excitement and humor.
November 14, 2013
This is a great book! Entertaining, witty, beautifully written. Makes me want to go out and kiss a newt.
November 17, 2013
His narrative leaps like a frog into a pond, leaving ripples in your mind. The way he describes things are magical and intense. Patrick Loafman is a writers' writer.
November 18, 2013
I love the quirky characters in this book. It's fast-paced and fun and should be made into a movie.
January 4, 2014
Full of fun with a little mystery and a bit of adventure. I didn't know where the story was going and it kept surprising me in a good way. I finished it with a smile on my face. I now know what neoteny is.
August 18, 2024
I finished Somewhere Upriver while I was somewhere down by the sea on the west side of the Peninsula - which seems fitting, hydrologically speaking.
I'm a proud member of the Pat Loafman fan club, and I give this book five stars.
I'm a proud member of the Pat Loafman fan club, and I give this book five stars.
October 9, 2023
“Unfortunately, their room was next to our room, and the squeaking bed and the Tarzan shouts of Peter’s rigorous lovemaking made Spock and me giggle. Eventually though, we engaged in a little monkey-loving ourselves, and the Horned Toad hopped out of hiding—now sporting a complete Native American getup, doing a nifty fancydance.”
I cannot believe a middle-aged grownup wrote this. I cannot believe there were 290 pages of this.
Writing any book is an accomplishment. But not all accomplishments are good ones.
This is among the most distressingly bad works I’ve ever come across.
Entirely unserious, cluttered, scattered, perfunctory, unedited. Sophomoric. Stupid. Unimpressive. Unimportant. Horrifyingly self-assured. Like this was something that the world had to read.
Does nothing to build upon ideas it sets forth to explore. Introduces new storylines with the same confounding ease with which it dispenses other storylines.
I am comforted at the prospect of this author making actual contributions to the scientific community.
I cannot believe a middle-aged grownup wrote this. I cannot believe there were 290 pages of this.
Writing any book is an accomplishment. But not all accomplishments are good ones.
This is among the most distressingly bad works I’ve ever come across.
Entirely unserious, cluttered, scattered, perfunctory, unedited. Sophomoric. Stupid. Unimpressive. Unimportant. Horrifyingly self-assured. Like this was something that the world had to read.
Does nothing to build upon ideas it sets forth to explore. Introduces new storylines with the same confounding ease with which it dispenses other storylines.
I am comforted at the prospect of this author making actual contributions to the scientific community.
June 3, 2022
Absolutely entertaining, enlightening and a joy to read
Rarely do I leave a review, but I feel like I am in the Queets River rainforest. Patrick’s writing is vivid and entertaining and smart and quirky. I learned a couple things that I wanted to investigate further, and I thoroughly enjoyed the story. If you love nature and have a curiosity about it and you like to have fun, this is the read for you.
Rarely do I leave a review, but I feel like I am in the Queets River rainforest. Patrick’s writing is vivid and entertaining and smart and quirky. I learned a couple things that I wanted to investigate further, and I thoroughly enjoyed the story. If you love nature and have a curiosity about it and you like to have fun, this is the read for you.
July 11, 2018
Fresh and vivid, at the same time charming and heart-warming. I wasn't expecting the trial, and that turned out to be my favorite part. Many of us are lucky to have had a "Peter" our lives. May be not a wildlife biologist/herpetologist, but someone who teaches us about one thing, and actually mentors us about life. Everyone will not love this book, but I highly recommend taking a chance.
December 26, 2017
I love the way the author takes us on the grad student's journey with amazing tales and unbelievable scenarios all the while teaching us about northwest herps. The characters are crazy and the authors mind ramblings are very entertaining even if he's kind of an a-hole at times.
August 23, 2019
Favorite book I've ever read.
March 16, 2025
Loved this zany tale!!
November 23, 2025
The concept is quite good, but the writing is bad.
abandoned
April 30, 2017Turns out I'm really not that interested in giant salamanders
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews