What do you think?
Rate this book
Letters to Pastors' Wives: When Seminary Ends and Ministry Begins
Although their calling is joyous, pastors’ wives encounter special challenges because of the nature of their husbands’ work. These letters from the wives of experienced and well-known pastors provide empathy, wise counsel, and encouragement.
288 pages, Paperback
First published August 29, 2013
28 people are currently reading
144 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
January 5, 2025
Overall this book fed my soul and gave me lots of “ouch!” Moments of conviction that I really appreciated. Some theological issues in one or two entries but overall a welcome nourishment to my heart.
October 22, 2025
••• Tidbits •••
Thomas Gataker was surely onto something when he noted, "A good wife is the best companion in wealth; the fittest and readiest assistant in work; the greatest comfort in crosses and griefs; and the greatest grace and honor that can be, to him that hath her.”
The habitual bent of our soul reveals where we look for satisfaction, security, and significance.
Search your heart. What do you want out of life? Where do you root your desire for satisfaction, security, and significance? Are you searching for it in the right place? What are the things you feel you need— the things without which you would feel life is not worth living? When do you tailspin into despair and panic?
prioritizing is not organizing.
"Is the general tenor of our heart marked by a conscious obedience to the revealed will of God.?"
Whenever anything comes into your mind that causes you to flee to a human being for help, view it instead as an opportunity to draw near to God.
Some years ago, a young man asked a seasoned pastor what a pastor's wife should be like. The older pastor's instinctive reply was, "She must not be a hindrance; anything else is a bonus.”
The long-term impact that you will have on your husband's ministry will be largely an effect of your character.
it is the Word of Christ dwelling in her richly that enables a pastor's wife to truly minister to other women.
Your role as wife and mother, as well as your own spiritual gifts, will shape any ministry you have in the body.
Rather than waiting for circumstances to change, plan your daily routine in ways that reflect your spiritual goals.
(Heb. 4:12). God's Word helps me to know myself. It is my counselor. It exposes my heart. All this has great import for daily living. The desires, expectations, longings, and leanings of my heart drive my interpretation of and interaction with everything that happens to me all day. My responses to all these things are prompted either by the Spirit through the Word planted in me or, in the absence of God's Word, by the ways and thoughts of the world.
God's Word speaks with power and precision to all the needs of your life. Nothing else will meet your deepest need except the living, active Word of God that leads to Christ, the cross, and your loving heavenly Father.
Here's the amazing thing. Your greatest ministry to others, to your husband, to your children, and to your sisters and brothers in Christ will flow from the passages of Scripture that have brought help and hope to you. We can talk and talk to others with our wisdom and counsel, but nothing has the power or impact of the Scriptures.
"The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul" (v. 7). I am always looking for perfection. It doesn't exist anywhere except in spiritual realms and is always attached to God. His law is a perfect revelation. Let your mind expand on the wonder of a place to go for direction, comfort, help, counsel, everything, in fact, that is perfect-nothing lacking, nothing marred! And this perfect revelation has restorative power. The King James Version translates this verse using the word converting instead of reviving.
The concept here is transformation. The law of the Lord revives the soul in the sense that it is powerful and comprehensive enough to totally convert an individual's entire life and conduct.
My words and counsel have weight and merit only as they reflect God's truth.
People have many different ideas of what it is like to be married to a pastor. I consider it a wonderful privilege, and I hope you will always be thankful for the life of ministry that God has planned for you.
we are in some respects very similar to all members of the church family: we need wise, loving leadership from our elders, we need to be patiently taught God's Word, we need to serve one another and be served. Yet in other ways our situation is very different because our husbands are the pastors.
It will be no great surprise to you that pastors' wives tend to see the best and the worst of people.
I often sit in wonder at how different God's plans for each of us can be, yet how very similar we all are in terms of our sin and need.
Humility means possessing a mindset that sees God in his rightful place and us in ours.
Stuart Scott has written that humility is ‘the mindset of a servant as opposed to the mindset of a master.'
Valley of Vision “My trials have still been fewer than my sins."
The truth is that none of us have anything to offer people except the good that God has imputed to us.
"Above all things we must pray for humility.
It may be called the guard of all other graces, and the soil in which they grow."
Words are formed on the tongue, but they originate in the heart. Our words are like a barometer of our hearts. We need to plead with the Lord for cleansing of our hearts, so that our speech is profitable to others and acceptable to him.
if in doubt (and even if not in doubt), follow a principle of restraint.
Your tongue and heart will be most tested within your home.
Let me switch to another piece of anatomy as I close. In our day, not only is the tongue a symbol of communication but the thumb is also. I am using thumb as a figure for the current texting craze— and indeed for the whole gamut of electronic communication.
dear friend, God has chosen you for a most blessed life as the wife of a pastor. You are privileged to have a front-row seat to watch the workings of the Holy Spirit among your people. You also have the opportunity to lovingly support your husband in his position as a frontline soldier in the army of King Jesus. You will experience incredible joys, but you will have trials as well. But don't worry; our Lord is in control. He will be there with his grace to guide you through every stormy day and every sunny day.
Trust him and follow him together with your beloved husband.
One way I keep my heart pure is by pleasing God alone and making this my life goal.
I can evaluate my thoughts by asking myself the following "mind filter” questions:
•Are these thoughts trustworthy according to truth?
•Are these thoughts worthy of lasting respect?
•Are these thoughts consistent with God's standards?
•Will these thoughts contaminate godly morals?
•Will these thoughts encourage genuine love and peace?
•Would I want these thoughts quoted in my name?
•Do these thoughts encourage eternal values?
•Does God look on these thoughts with approval?
Ministry children have a front-row seat to the difficulties and stresses that come with different seasons of church life. Having the confidence that, no matter what, Mom and Dad are on the same team and committed to their marriage provides an anchor for them in the midst of ministry storms.
put your children before the church.
Titus 2:1-5 After Jesus' command to seek him first, these two should be the greatest priorities in a ministry mom's life. Paul calls this "sound doctrine" or, as one commentator put it, "the type of living that corresponds with the gospel."
It is common for children who grow up in a Christian environment to become so familiar with the story of salvation that it ceases to amaze them.
This is doubly true for the pastor's children! Sister, you will serve your children well if you keep the gospel and their need of a Savior foremost in your mind and repeatedly present the truth of their sin and Jesus' sacrifice on their behalf.
be serious about sin when they are young.
Additionally, be serious with your own. You too are a sinner, and consequently you won't be a perfect mom. When you sin against your children, be quick to repent. When your children sin against you, be a quick forgiver. It's hard to measure the impact that this kind of biblical repentance and forgiveness will have on your children.
"Never waste an opportunity to repent."
Pastor Walt Chantry| It is a mother's task and privilege to oversee the forging of a personality in her sons and daughters. For this she must set a tone in the home which builds strong character. Hers it is to take great Christian principles and practically apply them in every-day affairs-doing it simply and naturally.... Woman's hope, the church's hope, the world's hope is joined to childbearing with continuance in faith, love and holiness. Young women, here is a life-long calling! It is the highest any woman can enter.
John, now a pastor himself, had this advice for ministry moms:
"SPEND TIME WITH THEM!! Don't let 'The Ministry' become an altar on which you sacrifice your children and your family. You take care of the flock close to home, and God will take care of His Church."
And that reality doesn't negate the fact that life in the fishbowl is a wonderful opportunity to put the gospel on display.
Every aspect of the Christian life should be filtered through gospel reality. With that in mind, the question changes from "How can I protect my children from the pressure of the fishbowl?" to "How can I lead my children to demonstrate the glory and goodness of God within the fishbowl?"
Don’t Ignore the Reality.
Start and End with Jesus.
Be Your Children's Champion.
Make your home a safe place where your children don't have to think of themselves as "the pastor's kids" but can be your children. Resist the temptation to place unwarranted burdens on their shoulders. It is all too easy for parents to require standards from children in order to please people.
There really are only two eyes that matter: those of our heavenly Father.
the best way to shepherd your children through church conflict is to strike a balance between helping them to understand what is happening and protecting them from the details they do not need to know.
John Piper points this out when he says, "What we should be clear about ... is that the condition of our bodies makes a difference in the capacity of our minds to think clearly and of our souls to see the beauty of hope-giving truth."
READ YOUR BIBLE AND PRAY. Spend time with the Great Counselor. Take time each day to get into God's Word with pen and paper at hand to note any wonderful truth that he impresses on your mind (Ps. 119:18). This forces you to be definite and more personal in what he wants to say to you.
What is in this text that causes me to want to respond in obedience and praise?
You should be a friend. This does not mean, however, that you can have friendships on equal terms with all people. Exercise wise caution when selecting those in whom you confide. Look for a true friend who loves the Lord supremely, respects your position as pastor's wife, understands the demands of your time, and prays with you.
Here begins the combating of our thoughts and feelings of loneliness as we gaze at Christ. We think on him and consider his finished work. Sing psalms and hymns to him. Read poetry exalting him. Cultivate and guard your relationship with him. He is referred to in the Psalms as a shield, buckler, rock, fortress, stronghold, protection, comfort, and stay to our souls. Here is sure comfort and strength as we rest in our God.
Seek to be very wise as you prayerfully establish friendships. You may want to keep in touch with some other pastors' wives or friends from seminary. In your church, there may be wise older women in whom you can confide. Be careful in your choice. Choose those who will confront your sin and encourage you from God's Word. Ask them to pray with and for you. You do not have to confide everything, but be comfortable enough to share your struggles.
Samuel Rutherford said, "The secret formula of the saints: when I am in the cellar of affliction, I look for the Lord's choicest wines."
As we seek to sanctify our struggles for Christ's glory, let us remember to use these struggles as impetus to reach out to others. We are not to be self-centered but other-centered. (Phil. 2:4).
2 Cor 4:16-17 | This does not mean that our afflictions are light but rather draws a comparison to glory, which is no comparison at all.
the enjoyment of the [Sabbath] can come only by the Holy Spirit's work in our hearts. He alone can give us true delight in his day. Isaiah 58:14
If we are to delight in the Sabbath, we must have a proper attitude toward the day. We must not complain and become embittered because of all the preparations that must be made. If we find that our attitudes are wrong, we must begin by searching our hearts to see if worldliness is perhaps the root of our problem. We may need to evaluate how we are spending our time during the week or to adjust our schedules. We may need more rest.
To regain our zeal and strengthen ourselves spiritually, we will need to go to his Word and be reminded of God's promises to us and to our children.
To those who love him and keep his commandments, God promises that he will show his steadfast love to thousands—to thousands of generations (Ex. 20:6). What more could we desire?
Though the pain of some trials will be intense, your greatest need will not be sympathy and a shoulder to cry on-although those things are important. What will carry you through your darkest moments and days will be God's love and truth and direction found in his Holy Word.
Ephesians 4:1-4 According to these verses, we have been called to five distinct callings:
1. Humility
2. Gentleness
3. Patience
4. Bearing with others in love
5. Eagerness to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace
We are in a spiritual battle. But some places are more dangerous than others in the wars of this earth, and the same is also true of the spiritual realm. We should expect that ministers of the gospel and their families will be particular targets of the Evil One.
When we enter the ministry life, we enter the front line of a combat zone. Those who proclaim liberty to the captives present a serious threat to the one who has been holding them captive, and we must expect opposition from him.
It is only natural that Satan will attack. He cannot harm God's people, but he can scare us. He can discourage us. He can lead us to despair. He can lead us to doubt the call. Satan knows the power of the gospel. He knows the power of the Word of God. He knows that it has the power to turn people from darkness to light, from his kingdom to God's kingdom. Therefore, we must "resist him, firm in lour faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by lour brotherhood throughout the world" (1 Peter 5:9).
Satan is very powerful, but his power is very small when compared with the power of God's grace at work in us. The Lord will bring about trials and difficulties for our humbling so that we may serve him to his glory in our given context.
While we must protect [our children], we must also help them to live in a fallen world with all its imperfections. We must help them to live in the light of eternity. We must help them to see that trials are for their good and are given to us so that we will depend on God.
Boldness is not arrogance but assurance in the truth of the gospel they bring. Eph 6:20
Our prayer should be that our husbands' preaching would lead people away from the wisdom of men and to the saving and sustaining power of God.
It will be our labor of love to persevere in prayer for our husbands. If they are to preach the Word in season and out of season, we must pray in season and out of season. As we pray for them to be sober-minded, to endure suffering, to do the work of an evangelist, to fulfill their ministry (2 Tim. 4:5), we will fulfill our ministry as well.
Thomas Gataker was surely onto something when he noted, "A good wife is the best companion in wealth; the fittest and readiest assistant in work; the greatest comfort in crosses and griefs; and the greatest grace and honor that can be, to him that hath her.”
The habitual bent of our soul reveals where we look for satisfaction, security, and significance.
Search your heart. What do you want out of life? Where do you root your desire for satisfaction, security, and significance? Are you searching for it in the right place? What are the things you feel you need— the things without which you would feel life is not worth living? When do you tailspin into despair and panic?
prioritizing is not organizing.
"Is the general tenor of our heart marked by a conscious obedience to the revealed will of God.?"
Whenever anything comes into your mind that causes you to flee to a human being for help, view it instead as an opportunity to draw near to God.
Some years ago, a young man asked a seasoned pastor what a pastor's wife should be like. The older pastor's instinctive reply was, "She must not be a hindrance; anything else is a bonus.”
The long-term impact that you will have on your husband's ministry will be largely an effect of your character.
it is the Word of Christ dwelling in her richly that enables a pastor's wife to truly minister to other women.
Your role as wife and mother, as well as your own spiritual gifts, will shape any ministry you have in the body.
Rather than waiting for circumstances to change, plan your daily routine in ways that reflect your spiritual goals.
(Heb. 4:12). God's Word helps me to know myself. It is my counselor. It exposes my heart. All this has great import for daily living. The desires, expectations, longings, and leanings of my heart drive my interpretation of and interaction with everything that happens to me all day. My responses to all these things are prompted either by the Spirit through the Word planted in me or, in the absence of God's Word, by the ways and thoughts of the world.
God's Word speaks with power and precision to all the needs of your life. Nothing else will meet your deepest need except the living, active Word of God that leads to Christ, the cross, and your loving heavenly Father.
Here's the amazing thing. Your greatest ministry to others, to your husband, to your children, and to your sisters and brothers in Christ will flow from the passages of Scripture that have brought help and hope to you. We can talk and talk to others with our wisdom and counsel, but nothing has the power or impact of the Scriptures.
"The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul" (v. 7). I am always looking for perfection. It doesn't exist anywhere except in spiritual realms and is always attached to God. His law is a perfect revelation. Let your mind expand on the wonder of a place to go for direction, comfort, help, counsel, everything, in fact, that is perfect-nothing lacking, nothing marred! And this perfect revelation has restorative power. The King James Version translates this verse using the word converting instead of reviving.
The concept here is transformation. The law of the Lord revives the soul in the sense that it is powerful and comprehensive enough to totally convert an individual's entire life and conduct.
My words and counsel have weight and merit only as they reflect God's truth.
People have many different ideas of what it is like to be married to a pastor. I consider it a wonderful privilege, and I hope you will always be thankful for the life of ministry that God has planned for you.
we are in some respects very similar to all members of the church family: we need wise, loving leadership from our elders, we need to be patiently taught God's Word, we need to serve one another and be served. Yet in other ways our situation is very different because our husbands are the pastors.
It will be no great surprise to you that pastors' wives tend to see the best and the worst of people.
I often sit in wonder at how different God's plans for each of us can be, yet how very similar we all are in terms of our sin and need.
Humility means possessing a mindset that sees God in his rightful place and us in ours.
Stuart Scott has written that humility is ‘the mindset of a servant as opposed to the mindset of a master.'
Valley of Vision “My trials have still been fewer than my sins."
The truth is that none of us have anything to offer people except the good that God has imputed to us.
"Above all things we must pray for humility.
It may be called the guard of all other graces, and the soil in which they grow."
Words are formed on the tongue, but they originate in the heart. Our words are like a barometer of our hearts. We need to plead with the Lord for cleansing of our hearts, so that our speech is profitable to others and acceptable to him.
if in doubt (and even if not in doubt), follow a principle of restraint.
Your tongue and heart will be most tested within your home.
Let me switch to another piece of anatomy as I close. In our day, not only is the tongue a symbol of communication but the thumb is also. I am using thumb as a figure for the current texting craze— and indeed for the whole gamut of electronic communication.
dear friend, God has chosen you for a most blessed life as the wife of a pastor. You are privileged to have a front-row seat to watch the workings of the Holy Spirit among your people. You also have the opportunity to lovingly support your husband in his position as a frontline soldier in the army of King Jesus. You will experience incredible joys, but you will have trials as well. But don't worry; our Lord is in control. He will be there with his grace to guide you through every stormy day and every sunny day.
Trust him and follow him together with your beloved husband.
One way I keep my heart pure is by pleasing God alone and making this my life goal.
I can evaluate my thoughts by asking myself the following "mind filter” questions:
•Are these thoughts trustworthy according to truth?
•Are these thoughts worthy of lasting respect?
•Are these thoughts consistent with God's standards?
•Will these thoughts contaminate godly morals?
•Will these thoughts encourage genuine love and peace?
•Would I want these thoughts quoted in my name?
•Do these thoughts encourage eternal values?
•Does God look on these thoughts with approval?
Ministry children have a front-row seat to the difficulties and stresses that come with different seasons of church life. Having the confidence that, no matter what, Mom and Dad are on the same team and committed to their marriage provides an anchor for them in the midst of ministry storms.
put your children before the church.
Titus 2:1-5 After Jesus' command to seek him first, these two should be the greatest priorities in a ministry mom's life. Paul calls this "sound doctrine" or, as one commentator put it, "the type of living that corresponds with the gospel."
It is common for children who grow up in a Christian environment to become so familiar with the story of salvation that it ceases to amaze them.
This is doubly true for the pastor's children! Sister, you will serve your children well if you keep the gospel and their need of a Savior foremost in your mind and repeatedly present the truth of their sin and Jesus' sacrifice on their behalf.
be serious about sin when they are young.
Additionally, be serious with your own. You too are a sinner, and consequently you won't be a perfect mom. When you sin against your children, be quick to repent. When your children sin against you, be a quick forgiver. It's hard to measure the impact that this kind of biblical repentance and forgiveness will have on your children.
"Never waste an opportunity to repent."
Pastor Walt Chantry| It is a mother's task and privilege to oversee the forging of a personality in her sons and daughters. For this she must set a tone in the home which builds strong character. Hers it is to take great Christian principles and practically apply them in every-day affairs-doing it simply and naturally.... Woman's hope, the church's hope, the world's hope is joined to childbearing with continuance in faith, love and holiness. Young women, here is a life-long calling! It is the highest any woman can enter.
John, now a pastor himself, had this advice for ministry moms:
"SPEND TIME WITH THEM!! Don't let 'The Ministry' become an altar on which you sacrifice your children and your family. You take care of the flock close to home, and God will take care of His Church."
And that reality doesn't negate the fact that life in the fishbowl is a wonderful opportunity to put the gospel on display.
Every aspect of the Christian life should be filtered through gospel reality. With that in mind, the question changes from "How can I protect my children from the pressure of the fishbowl?" to "How can I lead my children to demonstrate the glory and goodness of God within the fishbowl?"
Don’t Ignore the Reality.
Start and End with Jesus.
Be Your Children's Champion.
Make your home a safe place where your children don't have to think of themselves as "the pastor's kids" but can be your children. Resist the temptation to place unwarranted burdens on their shoulders. It is all too easy for parents to require standards from children in order to please people.
There really are only two eyes that matter: those of our heavenly Father.
the best way to shepherd your children through church conflict is to strike a balance between helping them to understand what is happening and protecting them from the details they do not need to know.
John Piper points this out when he says, "What we should be clear about ... is that the condition of our bodies makes a difference in the capacity of our minds to think clearly and of our souls to see the beauty of hope-giving truth."
READ YOUR BIBLE AND PRAY. Spend time with the Great Counselor. Take time each day to get into God's Word with pen and paper at hand to note any wonderful truth that he impresses on your mind (Ps. 119:18). This forces you to be definite and more personal in what he wants to say to you.
What is in this text that causes me to want to respond in obedience and praise?
You should be a friend. This does not mean, however, that you can have friendships on equal terms with all people. Exercise wise caution when selecting those in whom you confide. Look for a true friend who loves the Lord supremely, respects your position as pastor's wife, understands the demands of your time, and prays with you.
Here begins the combating of our thoughts and feelings of loneliness as we gaze at Christ. We think on him and consider his finished work. Sing psalms and hymns to him. Read poetry exalting him. Cultivate and guard your relationship with him. He is referred to in the Psalms as a shield, buckler, rock, fortress, stronghold, protection, comfort, and stay to our souls. Here is sure comfort and strength as we rest in our God.
Seek to be very wise as you prayerfully establish friendships. You may want to keep in touch with some other pastors' wives or friends from seminary. In your church, there may be wise older women in whom you can confide. Be careful in your choice. Choose those who will confront your sin and encourage you from God's Word. Ask them to pray with and for you. You do not have to confide everything, but be comfortable enough to share your struggles.
Samuel Rutherford said, "The secret formula of the saints: when I am in the cellar of affliction, I look for the Lord's choicest wines."
As we seek to sanctify our struggles for Christ's glory, let us remember to use these struggles as impetus to reach out to others. We are not to be self-centered but other-centered. (Phil. 2:4).
2 Cor 4:16-17 | This does not mean that our afflictions are light but rather draws a comparison to glory, which is no comparison at all.
the enjoyment of the [Sabbath] can come only by the Holy Spirit's work in our hearts. He alone can give us true delight in his day. Isaiah 58:14
If we are to delight in the Sabbath, we must have a proper attitude toward the day. We must not complain and become embittered because of all the preparations that must be made. If we find that our attitudes are wrong, we must begin by searching our hearts to see if worldliness is perhaps the root of our problem. We may need to evaluate how we are spending our time during the week or to adjust our schedules. We may need more rest.
To regain our zeal and strengthen ourselves spiritually, we will need to go to his Word and be reminded of God's promises to us and to our children.
To those who love him and keep his commandments, God promises that he will show his steadfast love to thousands—to thousands of generations (Ex. 20:6). What more could we desire?
Though the pain of some trials will be intense, your greatest need will not be sympathy and a shoulder to cry on-although those things are important. What will carry you through your darkest moments and days will be God's love and truth and direction found in his Holy Word.
Ephesians 4:1-4 According to these verses, we have been called to five distinct callings:
1. Humility
2. Gentleness
3. Patience
4. Bearing with others in love
5. Eagerness to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace
We are in a spiritual battle. But some places are more dangerous than others in the wars of this earth, and the same is also true of the spiritual realm. We should expect that ministers of the gospel and their families will be particular targets of the Evil One.
When we enter the ministry life, we enter the front line of a combat zone. Those who proclaim liberty to the captives present a serious threat to the one who has been holding them captive, and we must expect opposition from him.
It is only natural that Satan will attack. He cannot harm God's people, but he can scare us. He can discourage us. He can lead us to despair. He can lead us to doubt the call. Satan knows the power of the gospel. He knows the power of the Word of God. He knows that it has the power to turn people from darkness to light, from his kingdom to God's kingdom. Therefore, we must "resist him, firm in lour faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by lour brotherhood throughout the world" (1 Peter 5:9).
Satan is very powerful, but his power is very small when compared with the power of God's grace at work in us. The Lord will bring about trials and difficulties for our humbling so that we may serve him to his glory in our given context.
While we must protect [our children], we must also help them to live in a fallen world with all its imperfections. We must help them to live in the light of eternity. We must help them to see that trials are for their good and are given to us so that we will depend on God.
Boldness is not arrogance but assurance in the truth of the gospel they bring. Eph 6:20
Our prayer should be that our husbands' preaching would lead people away from the wisdom of men and to the saving and sustaining power of God.
It will be our labor of love to persevere in prayer for our husbands. If they are to preach the Word in season and out of season, we must pray in season and out of season. As we pray for them to be sober-minded, to endure suffering, to do the work of an evangelist, to fulfill their ministry (2 Tim. 4:5), we will fulfill our ministry as well.
March 6, 2025
Because this included so many authors, it was difficult to give a rating. I vacillated between 3 and 4 stars, but ultimately went with four. Some of the 18 letters were better than others, and I think I probably enjoyed half or more. My absolute favorite chapters were chapter 11-Conflict with the Church by Sue Rowe, chapter 12-Ministry Moms by Sarah Ascol, and chapter 14-Loneliness and Bereavement by Shannon Baugh Onnink.
October 22, 2020
What a wonderfully helpful book! I wish that I would have read this 5 years ago. So much wisdom and insight and comfort from women who have gone before. I highly recommend to any pastors wife or ministry wife (or wife :)).
July 22, 2023
Great read for any type of ministry wife!
April 7, 2014
If only I had this book as my husband was going through seminary and before or at the start of his ministry 6 years ago! What a gem this collection of letters is to the specific role of a pastor's wife! The women writing the letters are all experienced PWs (or a PK in the case of the letter regarding PKs) writing from their own individual experiences. Each letter tackles a specific topic and the ladies picked for the topics seem to be experts in these areas and are such blessings pouring out their thoughts, a plethora of Scripture, and most of all a constant pointing to get back to the Word and prayer, and encouragement to keep striving to focus energy and thoughts toward our primary "job" of being a wife and mother above being a servant to the church, despite what members may expect of us.
The letters dealing with the topics of Part 1: the Piety of PWs were so encouraging and dense in the Word of God. Part 2: Practical Counsel For Us All was a mixed bag of mostly encouraging and practical wisdom (I especially appreciated the topics of Expectations, Sharing My Husband, Criticism, and Conflict), and those that I just didn't think applied or I didn't agree with Biblically (Adams' letter on Friendship was especially a low point and portions of Hospitality and the Sabbath day were not necessarily agreeable and seemed to me to be a bit legalistic and contained extra-Biblical imperatives that I didn't think were fair, which I thought would be more hurtful or stressful for a brand new PW who may still be confused about her role). I think I would have enjoyed a letter also to a PW who is transitioning from a secularly successful professional career into the role of a PW and mother and is dealing with the loss of that life and the dichotomy of her personality/roles in this new life while figuring out who she is in this life. Part 3: Particular Circumstances may be of interest for ladies dealing with specific ministry challenges, but since none pertained to my situations, they were simply skimmed and I will probably go back and read them in detail should I find myself facing the situations dealt with (Missions, Campus Ministry, and a pastor's habitual sexual sin).
PWs, especially younger ones, looking for a helpful and encouraging book geared specifically for that role will enjoy this book a lot, however she should read critically and realize not necessarily everything contained may apply to her and her situation and some suggestions are cultural and may not apply to her, whether location specific or just personality and spiritual giftedness. After reading "The Handbook for Minister's Wives" which was given to me (and promptly thrown into the garbage), this book was a breath of fresh air and was written by wise women who have walked in my shoes for many years before me and was such an encouraging (and sometimes humorous) Scripturally based read. This is a book I will definitely recommend to (and maybe even buy for) every PW I know or any woman marrying a pastor (or seminarian).
The letters dealing with the topics of Part 1: the Piety of PWs were so encouraging and dense in the Word of God. Part 2: Practical Counsel For Us All was a mixed bag of mostly encouraging and practical wisdom (I especially appreciated the topics of Expectations, Sharing My Husband, Criticism, and Conflict), and those that I just didn't think applied or I didn't agree with Biblically (Adams' letter on Friendship was especially a low point and portions of Hospitality and the Sabbath day were not necessarily agreeable and seemed to me to be a bit legalistic and contained extra-Biblical imperatives that I didn't think were fair, which I thought would be more hurtful or stressful for a brand new PW who may still be confused about her role). I think I would have enjoyed a letter also to a PW who is transitioning from a secularly successful professional career into the role of a PW and mother and is dealing with the loss of that life and the dichotomy of her personality/roles in this new life while figuring out who she is in this life. Part 3: Particular Circumstances may be of interest for ladies dealing with specific ministry challenges, but since none pertained to my situations, they were simply skimmed and I will probably go back and read them in detail should I find myself facing the situations dealt with (Missions, Campus Ministry, and a pastor's habitual sexual sin).
PWs, especially younger ones, looking for a helpful and encouraging book geared specifically for that role will enjoy this book a lot, however she should read critically and realize not necessarily everything contained may apply to her and her situation and some suggestions are cultural and may not apply to her, whether location specific or just personality and spiritual giftedness. After reading "The Handbook for Minister's Wives" which was given to me (and promptly thrown into the garbage), this book was a breath of fresh air and was written by wise women who have walked in my shoes for many years before me and was such an encouraging (and sometimes humorous) Scripturally based read. This is a book I will definitely recommend to (and maybe even buy for) every PW I know or any woman marrying a pastor (or seminarian).
May 12, 2021
I had high hopes for this and I think I would have given even several of the letters 5 stars, but there was too much that took stars away for me. I wish I had even read some of this several years ago before I became a minister's wife, but some would have put more fear of performance on me had I read them!
I recognize that when you have different letters, you are going to have different perspectives. However, for a new pastor's wife, I would think that some of the views would be confusing due to some of the drastic views and differences of each of these women. It seems at times to be less of personality differences and more of differences in opinions that can come off as gospel truth.
I would tell someone to approach this as opinions pieces with some good nuggets, but not as a perfect guidebook.
I recognize that when you have different letters, you are going to have different perspectives. However, for a new pastor's wife, I would think that some of the views would be confusing due to some of the drastic views and differences of each of these women. It seems at times to be less of personality differences and more of differences in opinions that can come off as gospel truth.
I would tell someone to approach this as opinions pieces with some good nuggets, but not as a perfect guidebook.
July 23, 2019
This is one of the better, if not best, books I've read so far on being a Pastor's wife. It's honest, open, tender, loving, and filled with good advice from older women. I had a minor issue with all the talk of ministries you're supposed to be in, but my only big issue was the constant drumbeat of your personal time in the word with little to nothing being said about the importance of being in the service to hear the preaching. I was surprised at how little this was mentioned coming from a group of women whose husbands preach. Pastor's Wives need to be reminded of the importance of the preaching just like everyone else. We have to remember to listen to our husbands in the pulpit.
Other than this point, I found this book encouraging and helpful.
Other than this point, I found this book encouraging and helpful.
July 18, 2016
Some of these letters were more helpful than others- I had a hard time relating to some of the letters, for various reasons, or the tone in which they were written. I am Reformed but not Presbyterian as I think many of these authors are, so there were some theological differences (the Sabbath, for example, and issues of church structure). Overall some good encouragement, but on the whole I much preferred Nancy Wilson's book on this topic True Companion: Thoughts on Being a Pastor's Wife.
April 26, 2017
Overall, fantastic! More than half of the "letters" I loved, many I thought were OK, and a couple I didn't like so much. But for the chapters in my "love" category, the price of the book is more than worth it.
Read
July 24, 2017I really enjoyed this book. Although I didn't agree with everything, I found it to be very helpful and I'm glad it was recommended to me.
March 25, 2021
In the most comforting Mississippi accent, Miss Carlene asked me how I felt about taking on the roles of and being a “First Lady.” I responded that it was God’s grace in my life to be a pastor’s wife. Knowing of the Lord’s overwhelming and undeserved kindness to be married to Mark of all the men, I wept at the first line of this book. “…but God has cocooned you in a place where you will constantly be exposed to his Word” (22). What kindness indeed. I know my tendency to wander, and I have seen time and again God has used my husband to point me back to Christ as he washes me in the word. And even though we have 2.5 more years of doctorate work to endure, our ministry has already begun. I am so honored to be by Mark’s side. He is a gift I don’t deserve and a treasure I so dearly love.
There is so much wisdom packed into 250 pages, and even more to unpack with the questions at the end of each chapter. This book highlights the unique facets a pastor’s wife will most likely encounter in her years of ministry. From receiving criticism and having friends to hospitality and loneliness, I found this book wildly helpful as I am only a few years into what, Lord willing, will be a long and fruitful ministry next to Mark.
I recommend this book to any young pastors’ wife who has been in the ministry less than 10 years. One of the clear strengths of this book is the introduction of each woman by their pastor husband. I found myself so touched at the sweet and generous words these men wrote of their helpers. Additionally, this book gave so many relatable instances I have already encountered, and gave me a frame of reference for the things not yet experienced. I found the chapters on friendship, depression, mothering PKs, loneliness, and sharing my husband extremely helpful.
A few limitations are this: audience and age. It is clearly written to a specific audience: new pastors’ wives (specifically from a presby voice); however, I do believe seasoned pastors’ wives would find solace and comfort in these letters as they hear that their struggles are uncommon. I appreciate the input of well-versed pastor’s wife, but I do think there could be some benefit of revising this to include a few more current voices navigating pressing issues like social media, cultural pressures; as well as perspective from multi-pastoral pulpits and larger churches. This, however, IN NO WAY hinders the joy found in this book, simply a personal desire.
New pastor’s wife, you will be better prepared to serve with joy alongside your pastor husband after reading this helpful resource.
There is so much wisdom packed into 250 pages, and even more to unpack with the questions at the end of each chapter. This book highlights the unique facets a pastor’s wife will most likely encounter in her years of ministry. From receiving criticism and having friends to hospitality and loneliness, I found this book wildly helpful as I am only a few years into what, Lord willing, will be a long and fruitful ministry next to Mark.
I recommend this book to any young pastors’ wife who has been in the ministry less than 10 years. One of the clear strengths of this book is the introduction of each woman by their pastor husband. I found myself so touched at the sweet and generous words these men wrote of their helpers. Additionally, this book gave so many relatable instances I have already encountered, and gave me a frame of reference for the things not yet experienced. I found the chapters on friendship, depression, mothering PKs, loneliness, and sharing my husband extremely helpful.
A few limitations are this: audience and age. It is clearly written to a specific audience: new pastors’ wives (specifically from a presby voice); however, I do believe seasoned pastors’ wives would find solace and comfort in these letters as they hear that their struggles are uncommon. I appreciate the input of well-versed pastor’s wife, but I do think there could be some benefit of revising this to include a few more current voices navigating pressing issues like social media, cultural pressures; as well as perspective from multi-pastoral pulpits and larger churches. This, however, IN NO WAY hinders the joy found in this book, simply a personal desire.
New pastor’s wife, you will be better prepared to serve with joy alongside your pastor husband after reading this helpful resource.
August 13, 2023
I read this with a group of pastors’ wives, and overall I thought this book was ok, but I would not recommend it. Our group read it knowing there were some things we didn’t agree with, so we read it critically and used it as a starting point for conversation. Our conversations were great, but more because of the women in our group and how we were able to take ideas from the book and run with them ourselves. There are questions after each chapter, though we didn’t use them.
Some chapters were definitely better than others. Chapters 3 and 4 about humility and guarding our speech were fine. Other chapters were also thought-provoking or personally challenging.
Chapter 7 on friendship talked mostly about how you won’t have friends in ministry, and how you have to give up friends during seasons of life (it seemed like all seasons) and serve your family instead, rather than anything about making or maintaining friendships. While we may need to adjust our expectations about friendships in different seasons, I definitely believe friendships are important for all of us. There are several statements in this chapter I completely disagree with. The author of this friendship chapter was writing at 80+ years old, so some of our differences may be generational, but I think this chapter could be unnecessarily discouraging for a new pastor’s wife, rather than helpful.
Chapter 15 on the Lord’s Day is written by a sabbatarian, so it comes across legalistic, and our church does not hold that view. Chapter 18 on campus ministry states “it may not be permissible for your husband to join a church given his unique calling,” and while I don’t know the ministry they worked with, we definitely disagree with that. Every Christian should be a member of a church, and parachurch ministries should require that. Overall, I think there are too many problematic statements that prevent me from recommending this book.
For reference, I have 11 years experience as a pastor’s wife, including church-planting, college ministry, large church setting, and small to medium church setting, and I had the wonderful opportunity to complete Seminary Wives Institute at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, earning a certificate in Biblical studies. If you have found other excellent pastors’ wives resources, please comment!
Some chapters were definitely better than others. Chapters 3 and 4 about humility and guarding our speech were fine. Other chapters were also thought-provoking or personally challenging.
Chapter 7 on friendship talked mostly about how you won’t have friends in ministry, and how you have to give up friends during seasons of life (it seemed like all seasons) and serve your family instead, rather than anything about making or maintaining friendships. While we may need to adjust our expectations about friendships in different seasons, I definitely believe friendships are important for all of us. There are several statements in this chapter I completely disagree with. The author of this friendship chapter was writing at 80+ years old, so some of our differences may be generational, but I think this chapter could be unnecessarily discouraging for a new pastor’s wife, rather than helpful.
Chapter 15 on the Lord’s Day is written by a sabbatarian, so it comes across legalistic, and our church does not hold that view. Chapter 18 on campus ministry states “it may not be permissible for your husband to join a church given his unique calling,” and while I don’t know the ministry they worked with, we definitely disagree with that. Every Christian should be a member of a church, and parachurch ministries should require that. Overall, I think there are too many problematic statements that prevent me from recommending this book.
For reference, I have 11 years experience as a pastor’s wife, including church-planting, college ministry, large church setting, and small to medium church setting, and I had the wonderful opportunity to complete Seminary Wives Institute at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, earning a certificate in Biblical studies. If you have found other excellent pastors’ wives resources, please comment!
April 5, 2023
This book with its embossed title “Letters to Pastor’s Wives - Where Seminary Ends and Ministry Begins” is gold. Such a precious treasure to have 18 letters from godly women with husbands in the frontline of ministry, brimming with authenticity and biblical encouragement.
I’ve read books written by some of their husbands, and many are familiar names, but to read a letter (chapter) by Mary Beeke (whom I’ve had the privilege to meet and take a photo with) with so much godly counsel and wisdom for wives…… it just took my breath away.
Although I purchased this for a friend, I decided to read it first (whilst keeping it pristine) and I have simply gained so much from it. It is rare for anyone to have three or four godly women to look up to, or to be mentored by, or to distill their life’s most precious lessons in a chapter. This book made me feel like I got to know eighteen wonderful women, who so generously shared from their trials and who point out dangers along the journey of life.
I commend this book to every Christian, for there is so much wisdom to be gleaned, not just for ministry wives or pastors’ wives, though they would certainly find the letters the most relatable!
Here are some of the many gems:
- We have many opportunities to help others through our humility or to hurt them with our pride.
- Each time our plans are frustrated, our desires are unfulfilled, or our resources are taxed, we should view it as an opportunity to cultivate humility.
- Marriage involves a flawed person, in a comprehensive and interdependent relationship with another flawed person, in the middle of a fallen world, but with a faithful God
I’ve read books written by some of their husbands, and many are familiar names, but to read a letter (chapter) by Mary Beeke (whom I’ve had the privilege to meet and take a photo with) with so much godly counsel and wisdom for wives…… it just took my breath away.
Although I purchased this for a friend, I decided to read it first (whilst keeping it pristine) and I have simply gained so much from it. It is rare for anyone to have three or four godly women to look up to, or to be mentored by, or to distill their life’s most precious lessons in a chapter. This book made me feel like I got to know eighteen wonderful women, who so generously shared from their trials and who point out dangers along the journey of life.
I commend this book to every Christian, for there is so much wisdom to be gleaned, not just for ministry wives or pastors’ wives, though they would certainly find the letters the most relatable!
Here are some of the many gems:
- We have many opportunities to help others through our humility or to hurt them with our pride.
- Each time our plans are frustrated, our desires are unfulfilled, or our resources are taxed, we should view it as an opportunity to cultivate humility.
- Marriage involves a flawed person, in a comprehensive and interdependent relationship with another flawed person, in the middle of a fallen world, but with a faithful God
February 17, 2024
This book reminded me very much of a marriage book -- important to read before you get married, but way more helpful after a year or more of marriage. This is my 11th year as a pastor's wife, and I found this collection of letters by various pastor's wives enormously encouraging for the season I'm in. I felt seen and loved in the unique circumstances of my life, both the joys and the challenges. I plan to read this book every few years for as long as we're in full-time ministry and will recommend it to others.
October 7, 2024
Some of the letters were much more helpful than others. There were a few statements and views I would not necessarily agree with like the chapter written on the sabbath. It was written by a sabbatarian and while we don’t hold that view it was still convicting to me to hold the sabbath higher.
Overall a very encouraging book that I will probably reread many times over the course of my husband’s ministry.
Overall a very encouraging book that I will probably reread many times over the course of my husband’s ministry.
November 15, 2019
I enjoyed the focus on the Bible and scripture from these wise women. Each letter gave advice but I didn’t see a lot of personal, intimate, vulnerable examples which is what I love and how I love to learn. But I am challenged by the women constantly encouraging us to run to the Lord and the Bible for our strength and joy.
September 25, 2024
Convicting, comforting, and encouraging. Reading this book feels like sitting down for coffee with a mentor. I will be keeping this on hand to revisit the chapters that will be relevant to my life. There were a few theological disagreements as most contributors come from a Presbyterian background, but the practical truths were very applicable to my life.
March 20, 2023
This book was exactly what I was looking for! As my husband is just entering ministry and I am already a bit overwhelmed! This book put so much of what was weighing on me at ease and gave me tools to navigate the future.
August 31, 2018
Most of chairs were really helpful. I can see myself coming back to this book as a resource.
March 9, 2019
One of the few truly encouraging books for Pastor’s wives. Highly recommend!!
July 6, 2021
This is a must-read for every new Pastor’s wife! I became a first-time Pastor’s wife, 30 years after Seminary. This book was tremendously helpful and encouraging for me. Thank you!
Want to read
October 17, 2021Am trying to read the book but not able to... someone guide me on how. Thank you in advance.
January 25, 2014
From some of these letters, though written on specific topics, I gleaned so much more than just practical advice & spiritual guidance on those particular issues; I gained timeless wisdom as they propelled me into an eternal perspective, setting my mind on things above, in order to live practical life well.
Other letters, though insightful, seemed inapplicable.
Still others (only a couple) were, as another reviewer wrote, "silly and unhelpful."
Other letters, though insightful, seemed inapplicable.
Still others (only a couple) were, as another reviewer wrote, "silly and unhelpful."
March 20, 2015
Good collection of insight/wisdom from different pastor wives. Since each chapter is written by someone different, some are better written (tone, etc) and more useful than others. Provided some good topics for discussion in our seminary wives group
December 20, 2013
A few of these letters were just silly and unhelpful but for the most part this book was encouraging, spot on, and directed the reader to the gospel over and over again.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews