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The Dildo in the Kitchen Drawer
What has Beth's girlfriend ordered in the plainest, squarest, most non-descript parcel? It certainly isn't books. No-one shuffles that frantically to hide books when you come in unexpectedly.
And what would any right-minded person do when they opened the kitchen drawer to check what had been hidden? But right-minded isn't a term that's often applied to Beth.
The Dildo in the Kitchen Drawer is a short story of paranoia, slippery fingers and recalcitrant dogs.
And what would any right-minded person do when they opened the kitchen drawer to check what had been hidden? But right-minded isn't a term that's often applied to Beth.
The Dildo in the Kitchen Drawer is a short story of paranoia, slippery fingers and recalcitrant dogs.
15 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 14, 2013
17 people are currently reading
162 people want to read
About the author
Clare Ashton
16 books1,623 followersClare Ashton loves writing sapphic stories. Whether it’s a romcom or mystery, there’s always a queer woman about. With gorgeous settings, from the hills of Wales to college halls of Oxford, every book is a travel destination from the comfort of an armchair. Best known for her award-winning, sunny romance, Poppy Jenkins, and rollercoaster family drama, The Goodmans, Clare has a new series that captures the best of both and more, with Meeting Millie kicking off The Oxford Romance series.
Clare lives in the UK with her wife and kids and can be found spending too much time on social media – https://linktr.ee/clareashton
Clare lives in the UK with her wife and kids and can be found spending too much time on social media – https://linktr.ee/clareashton
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 37 reviews
March 10, 2017
Cute, but not nearly as hilarious as I was expecting. It was free on Kindle Unlimited, so I won't ask for any money back.
January 3, 2020
This book helped me to kill two birds with one stone. How? I am missing Clare Ashton's work, she didn't have anything published last year, and I'm saving After Mrs.Hamilton for break glass in case of emergency day + I needed an inspiration to clean up my kitchen/junk drawer for the infinity time. Not that I'm hoping to stumble across a dildo in the junk drawer.. That would be very disturbing. This was entertaining, I'm sure most of you heard of the phrase "don't bring a knife to a gunfight" right, so don't bring logic/common sense along during this read. I was planning on having Ikea's🌭 but the Lorena Bobbitt's scene turned me into a one day vegan.
Ms.Ashton, c'mon! We need new bookS from you and audiobook edition of your bestsellers.
I guess I'll need to prepare another sacrifice altar next to E.J. Noyes'
Ms.Ashton, c'mon! We need new bookS from you and audiobook edition of your bestsellers.
I guess I'll need to prepare another sacrifice altar next to E.J. Noyes'
July 3, 2016
Funny and author is a wordsmith, the way she described Beth's struggle with the dog is awesome.
October 11, 2013
Hilarious bit of slapstick comedy. Great read.
August 23, 2018
Well I fell of my chair laughing.
September 1, 2013
When Beth discovers her Girlfriend Cat has had a plain square parcel delivered, she can’t help but be curious. It can’t possibly be books. After all, why would Cat frantically hide books from her?
So, Beth being Beth has to investigate the contents of the parcel in the kitchen drawer. Her findings set off a whole chain of hilarious events.
This is a whacky, zany, hilarious short story with Clare Ashton’s wicked sense of humor shining through on every page. I say wicked, because I’m not sure if I’m going to forgive her for naming the dog Terry! But I digress.
Although the story is short, it is crammed full to the brim with great scenarios and lovable fully formed characters, including the naughty dog and his antics. His owner, Mrs Smedley needs a medal for putting up with him. Look out for the gorgons too.
This story also shows how jealousy can eat up a person and make them act in an uncharacteristic way, or maybe in Beth’s case, not so uncharacteristic, but even more eccentric than usual.
If you only buy one short story, make it this one. I’ve read it twice now and I’ve put it in my favorite’s folder to re-read when in need of a good laugh.
So, Beth being Beth has to investigate the contents of the parcel in the kitchen drawer. Her findings set off a whole chain of hilarious events.
This is a whacky, zany, hilarious short story with Clare Ashton’s wicked sense of humor shining through on every page. I say wicked, because I’m not sure if I’m going to forgive her for naming the dog Terry! But I digress.
Although the story is short, it is crammed full to the brim with great scenarios and lovable fully formed characters, including the naughty dog and his antics. His owner, Mrs Smedley needs a medal for putting up with him. Look out for the gorgons too.
This story also shows how jealousy can eat up a person and make them act in an uncharacteristic way, or maybe in Beth’s case, not so uncharacteristic, but even more eccentric than usual.
If you only buy one short story, make it this one. I’ve read it twice now and I’ve put it in my favorite’s folder to re-read when in need of a good laugh.
December 11, 2022
3 stars. Utterly bizarre and over the top but admittedly it got a chuckle out of me. It's just so ridiculous and fun. Nothing special but I had a good time with it.
March 9, 2014
rating: 4/5
o.O Melodramatically hilarious! Loved it!
So, the girlfriend, Cat, hides a package in a kitchen drawer. Curious and jealous, our heroine tries to take a peek and, well, things get a little (meaning a lot) out of control. Honestly, I think this is the greatest adventure a dildo has ever had...
The one drawback is that it is too damn short. I was chuckling the whole time, but I wished there was more.
o.O Melodramatically hilarious! Loved it!
So, the girlfriend, Cat, hides a package in a kitchen drawer. Curious and jealous, our heroine tries to take a peek and, well, things get a little (meaning a lot) out of control. Honestly, I think this is the greatest adventure a dildo has ever had...
The one drawback is that it is too damn short. I was chuckling the whole time, but I wished there was more.
August 27, 2013
One of those stories where things start to go wrong and get progressively worse, all the way to a hilarious end. Would work better, perhaps, as visual comedy, but the characterisation is good, it's well written, and it made me laugh out loud.
August 4, 2016
This is a "comedy of errors", not erotica. :)
November 11, 2018
No way to describe this but hilarious or at least I thought so. If you're looking for a quick read and a good laugh then this is the book.
July 1, 2016
My first story by Clare Ashton.
This is a short story of only 15 pages. Seems to be liked well enough by friends (3.80 average rating), and it is 'free' to me via Kindle Unlimited (read enough, cost goes down; it should be noted, that while I got this 'free' it also lead me to immediately pay something like $6 for another story by Ashton so . . .). So, read it I must.
Right off the bat I get: this is first person point of view from 'Beth'. Who is annoyed with 'Cat' who is her roommate (the annoyance might be with Cat or with Mrs. Smedley, the landlord, and the person holding a parcel addressed to Cat). Cat is Beth's girlfriend. Her Rubenesque girlfriend.
*reading further* Hmm - this is one rather humorous story.
Well - that was/is a very funny story. Howling with laughter I was.
June 29 2016
This is a short story of only 15 pages. Seems to be liked well enough by friends (3.80 average rating), and it is 'free' to me via Kindle Unlimited (read enough, cost goes down; it should be noted, that while I got this 'free' it also lead me to immediately pay something like $6 for another story by Ashton so . . .). So, read it I must.
Right off the bat I get: this is first person point of view from 'Beth'. Who is annoyed with 'Cat' who is her roommate (the annoyance might be with Cat or with Mrs. Smedley, the landlord, and the person holding a parcel addressed to Cat). Cat is Beth's girlfriend. Her Rubenesque girlfriend.
'This is so you,' she beamed. 'Look at this place.'- hehe
I didn't know what about the orange-brown, mildew and old-dog smell was me in particular . . .
*reading further* Hmm - this is one rather humorous story.
A dildo the width of my fist, which surely would only be painless to those who'd given birth . . .
Well - that was/is a very funny story. Howling with laughter I was.
June 29 2016
March 4, 2016
The Dildo in the Kitchen Drawer is the world’s unwanted response to our usually rhetorical “could this get any worse?”. Absolutely hilarious. It wasn’t a big deal until Beth made it so (pun intended, perhaps?). Clare Ashton is one skillful writer.
April 17, 2023
The Dildo in the Kitchen Drawer was great. For such a short book, it does so much. It sits at only 15 pages, but it conveys the relationship between the MC and her girlfriend brilliantly, highlighting flaws in the relationship, but also doing a fantastic job of showing why the relationship works in the first place.
This is a really funny book, and a super easy read. I would have loved a full book with these two characters, but alas, it appears that this is all there is to see from them. They fully embody the disaster lesbian trope, and I’m here for it.
This would be a 5 star book, but I need to dock it for the sole reason that you can’t get this book off of any of the retailers on the authors linktree, instead you have to find it online, which was a nightmare to do. If you can find it, I highly recommend it, though I can definitely understand not wanting to for the sake of a 15 page book. Because of how arsey it is to get, it’s a 4/5 stars for me.
This is a really funny book, and a super easy read. I would have loved a full book with these two characters, but alas, it appears that this is all there is to see from them. They fully embody the disaster lesbian trope, and I’m here for it.
This would be a 5 star book, but I need to dock it for the sole reason that you can’t get this book off of any of the retailers on the authors linktree, instead you have to find it online, which was a nightmare to do. If you can find it, I highly recommend it, though I can definitely understand not wanting to for the sake of a 15 page book. Because of how arsey it is to get, it’s a 4/5 stars for me.
July 20, 2021
Plot: This was a silly snippet. This was a funny story that someone makes up on the spot to make people laugh.
Characterization: Beth is a spaz. She doesn’t trust her girlfriend and is prone to over reacting.
Cat is friends with people who appear to be bitchy homophobes, but she seems to be an understanding girlfriend.
Writing: I think this is the first thing I’ve seen from this author written in first person perspective.
Characterization: Beth is a spaz. She doesn’t trust her girlfriend and is prone to over reacting.
Cat is friends with people who appear to be bitchy homophobes, but she seems to be an understanding girlfriend.
Writing: I think this is the first thing I’ve seen from this author written in first person perspective.
March 20, 2020
Really enjoyed this short story. I found the characters believable and likeable. The story was very funny, lots of slapstick and physical humour. It was an absolute tonic.
It was my first experience of Clare Ashton's writing and I enjoyed it immensely. Will look forward to reading more from this author.
It was my first experience of Clare Ashton's writing and I enjoyed it immensely. Will look forward to reading more from this author.
May 3, 2024
I don't know what to say. This was a wild ride. I am confused. Its super short so there isn't much to talk about. This was supposed to be funny, and it was, but there were also some strange and possibly problematic choices? If these characters are from another novel then this may make more sense, but I stumbled upon this in the wild and read it alone.
I gave it 2-stars because I didn't like most of the characters, or the relationship. The hijinks was done well I suppose?
I gave it 2-stars because I didn't like most of the characters, or the relationship. The hijinks was done well I suppose?
June 12, 2018
Great!!!
I couldn't stop laughing through to the end. Thanks for the humor!!!!!!, Will need to read more soon I think,
I couldn't stop laughing through to the end. Thanks for the humor!!!!!!, Will need to read more soon I think,
April 29, 2019
Hah! I can imagine this happening for real.
February 20, 2020
I don't normally read short stories but because Clare wrote it I thought why not. Funny made me chuckle light hearted definitely worth a look.
March 31, 2020
So hilarious!!
Oh my goodness!!! This story made me roll! I was laughing so hard I had tears! This is a great short story.
Oh my goodness!!! This story made me roll! I was laughing so hard I had tears! This is a great short story.
July 24, 2021
LMAOOOOOOOOO
September 27, 2021
Short, fun, and kinda unexpected.
3 stars for the dildo who has suffered unjust violence.
3 stars for the dildo who has suffered unjust violence.
April 13, 2022
Funniest short story I've ever read LOL
October 24, 2023
Alright, this was funny lol.
May 10, 2024
The prose was pretty good but like lmao wtf did I just read? 😭😭😭😭
May 31, 2024
Hilarious and ridiculous, honestly. I'm crying.
April 11, 2025
3.5⭐️ very quick and funny read. Some dynamics of the MC’s were kinda toxic and they could have benefited for some open and honest communication lol.
November 25, 2025
Hilarious and so random
Displaying 1 - 30 of 37 reviews