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336 pages, Hardcover
First published September 2, 2014
Between number one and number two is Shelli Schroeder. Number two. She's my best friend even though she's kind of a slut.
One time she told me Rusty Beck told her "she has the biggest pussy I've ever fucked." Yup. Try to unhear that. Nosiree, you cannot. By the way, she told me this like it was a compliment. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'm pretty sure that wasn't going to get her a date to the prom.
By the time I get home my stupid sisters are already locked in their room listening to the Stones and talking on the phone to more guys who don't like them.
[...] there is blond hair, blue eyes, pale skin. [...] I have a boy jaw, like a square jaw, and cheekbones you could cut yourself on.
The guy she got is six foot three, three hundred pounds [...] He never talks to us, except in grunts, and then goes straight to his room after dinner, to lie on his water bed and watch Weel of Fortune. [...] my stepdad is an ogre.
I'm sure she married this guy so her kids would have a home and all [...]
Shelli's mom is a real freak. Like, she's a total Christian and is always talking about what would Jesus do, and the real meaning of Christmas, and how to hate gay people.
Her mom makes her burn her hair after she gets a haircut, so no one tries to cast a spell on her.
Or maybe she can't add. She is a Christian. I don't think they believe in math.
"I'm gonna kiss you now and you're gonna like it."
"This October issue is so gay. All it is is back-to-school and Halloween parties. Again."
The weird thing is... it's not like you can point to anything that made her that way. It's not like her dad's a criminal or her mom's a crack addict or she was raised in an orphanage or something. That would actually explain her demonic powers. It's just like she was born, she did a few print ads for the Penny's catalog, and abracadabra-BEELZEBUB!

















"Or maybe she can't add. She is a Christian. I don't think they believe in math."
"I'm gonna kiss you now and you're gonna like it."


