Where Is the Mango Princess?

by Cathy Crimmins

"Alan's brain got run over by a speedboat," Cathy Crimmins writes. "That last sentence reads like a bad country-western song lyric, but it's true. It was a silly, horrible, stupid accident." And so begins the harrowing tale of a family vacation gone awry when a speedboat collides with her husband's small craft, changing their lives forever. Crimmins (The Seven Habits of Highly Defective People and When My Parents Were My Age They Were Old... or Who Are You Calling Middle-Aged?) is used to writing with wit, self-effacing humor, and a warmth that can bring readers to their knees--or at least to tears of laughter. But in this stunning memoir about her husband's brain injury and the subsequent fallout, Crimmins has outdone herself, bringing all her sharply honed narrative skills into play as she tackles the life-wrenching drama of witnessing her husband's near death and ensuing rebirth as a very different person.

Crimmins takes readers inside the drama with all the right details and interior feelings to keep us fully mesmerized: her 7-year-old daughter's ashen face, her husband's twitching body, the paramedic's alarming question, "Is your husband one of these people that ordinarily has large pupils?" As deftly as she takes readers inside this personal story of not-quite recovery--more like discovery--she is also able to pan back and show readers the comedic silver lining (the self-important doctors, the moments of mishaps, and of course, the whereabouts of the mysterious Mango Princess) that lies within the cloud of her family's tragedy. Anyone who has endured a head trauma or loved someone who has will be engrossed by this wise and knowledgeable storyteller. The rest of us will have a captivating lesson about the rejuvenation of the brain as well as the human heart. --Gail Hudson

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Medical, Biography Memoir, Psychology, Biography, Disability

272 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

(aka C.E. Crimmins)

Obituaries:
http://www.asja.org/newspub/x0911d.php
http://www.oliverbair.net/sitemaker/s...

Reviews

[Kristen Spangler · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am the daughter of a TBI survivor. My father was gravely injured in a car crash during my freshman year of college, and like Ms Crimmins' husband, failed to receive adequate rehabilitation due to the restrictions of his HMO. In an even greater parallel, my father was also let go from his job, and my mother was forced to take on the role of advocate in addition to those of caregiver, mother, counsellor and, of course, makeshift father. I strongly identify with Cathy Crimmins' story as it more than dredges up memories of those first painful years following "the accident." It is true that no one can truly understand the TBI-affected family unless from one themselves, but this work comes closest to telling others what it feels like, looks like, sounds like and acts like. To this day, my father can't make it through the day without several prolonged naps, and the slightest little irritation leads to a vitriolic, profanity-laced tirade. But do I love him any less? On the contrary: like Cathy and Kelly, I love him more.

[Jenna D. · Rating 2 out of 5]

I cannot rate this book higher than a two.

Having a spouse w/ a newly acquired TBI (two months prior to reading this) and (ironically) a 7 year old daughter, I can relate to the accident and the rehabilitation and the family make up, but I cannot relate to the author and her family's lifestyle. I found myself amazed in the similarities to her spouse's early recovery and my own husband's, though the later half of the book had me rolling my eyes far too often at the obvious privileged lifestyle these people led. I also cannot feel any hope coming out of this book. Only martyrdom and unhappiness.

...And to find out that their marriage ultimately fell into the "75% of all couples after TBI" (which occurred after this book was published and so is not part of the memoir) I wonder what the point was...

Not a book AT ALL for new caregivers of spouses w/ TBI.

[Ray · Rating 2 out of 5]

Where is the Mango Princess? is a truly touching but tragic account of Traumatic Brian Injury (TBI) and its impact on a family. As much as I respect Anne Lamont, I wonder at her comment, at least as it appears on the book cover blurb, that this is a story of `recovery.' What exactly has been recovered? And how redemptive has this been in the lives of Cathy Crimmins and her husband Alan? Surely Cathy has had to address her once `hands-off' approach to marriage and has chosen to become a truly sacrificial wife, in the process shedding much of the enlightened independence she had so highly prized. In this way, she has somehow backed into a richer `covenantal' attitude to her husband (reflected in the traditional vows she, no doubt, took). She is living much more for him, even when he does not appreciate it, realize it, or have as much to offer in return. The picture is sad but beautiful, and highly instructive. Her world is a far more blessed place as a result of her response to this tragedy.

And yet, has she `recovered?' What exactly did she `lose' and what does she have back now? Her `wellness?' Her `humanity?' Maybe it is his that is recovered? I am not sure. Because her beautiful story remains largely fruitless for her life. After much struggle, she has learned to `cope.' Her story, filled with potential power, is ultimately a lovely tragedy.

This is instructive to anyone who might seek to care for someone who has suffered TBI and to their family. I have ministered to a few, and wish I had read in advance the Mango Princess (particularly through the lens of chapter 5 of Edward Welch's Blame it on the Brain). I think of one person in particular. Looking back I realize neither he nor I coped with the results of his injury adequately. I did not really understand the ways his injury legitimately impacted her, because it was clear that he was being so willfully selfish and hurtful. And he in turn wanted to blame his sin completely on his injury. The big issue I wish I had seen better in the past: his TBI did create some very significant hidden weaknesses that needed to be recognized and accounted for in trying to help his deal with his struggles.

Families in these circumstances face special heart obstacles, as Crimmins so thoughtfully illustrates. Like Alan, the victims very often heal outwardly in a short time, causing the families frustration at not seeing a similar recovery in their mental, emotional and behavioral issues. He is walking again; he is talking again; his wound is healed up; he looks all better; so why can't he start acting more like he used to? He's not a vegetable, and he can seem like his `old self' sometimes, so why does he have to acts so impulsive or socially inappropriate? Why is his sense of humor so `weird?' Why doesn't he respond to things the way we used to (reasoning, prayer)? And if so, why can't they just do some surgery or give him a pill that will `fix' him?

The real physical impact of the injury needs to be understood if the mundane duties of living are to be carried forward, and if the heart of the person and his family and friends are to be challenged to greater spiritual maturity. Perhaps the hardest thing to grapple with (something Crimmins seems to miss) is the truth that the best explanation of post-injury behavior is pre-injury character (See Ed Welch, p. 90). Welch suggests the difficult but potentially liberating truth that the injury can act as `truth serum' to its victims. It can be deeply discouraging, but it also can be redemptively potent as people gain more open access to what was truly in the person's heart all along.

TBI calls for special care and love. A superficial attitude by loved ones can unwittingly contribute to the complex problems.

Crimmins provides a very thoughtful, sensitive, moving (if somewhat unsatisfying) account of her own deep experience.

[Joanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It's the story of a man who suffers a traumatic brain injury, as told from his wife's point of view. The book does such a great job of telling the family's story, what it's like to live with someone who has become a completly different person.

I think a lot of times the focus is on the person coming out of the coma but people often don't realize that the person doesn't just wake up fine and back to normal. This book does a really good job of describing the rehab process and the impact of brain injury on the whole family.

[Joanne Clarke Gunter · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have a fascination with books that document how people cope with tragedy and awful events in their lives. This is one of those books. The synopsis of the book and other reviews here provide the details of the awful events in this book that occurred in 1996, so I won't dwell on that. TBI is some bad stuff to deal with, certainly for the person who has it, but perhaps even more so for the caregiver. And when the person with TBI is your husband, as it is in this book, you realize that the person you are caring for really isn't the person you married. Even though Alan Forman, an attorney and highly intelligent and educated person, recovers much function after intensive therapy, he is never the same in so many ways. After all the work and progress, he can function, but never really independently. He is a different person and one who is difficult to deal with year after year. It is a tragedy that never ends.

This book is well-written and informative and sad. And made sadder for me because after finishing the book, I did a search on the author to see if I could find out what happened since she wrote this book in 2000. I found out that the author and her husband divorced (very common in TBI cases) and the author died in 2009 from infection resulting from routine ankle surgery. This was almost the saddest part of all. An ignoble end to this family tragedy.

[Chance Lee · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hated this book. It's badly written, and focuses more on whining about health care than it does on TBI and its effects. The author lacks any sympathy for anyone else, yet she expects readers to feel sorry for her plight. I only feel sorry for her daughter, having to live with a TBI father and a horrible mother incapable of dealing with anything with level-headedness and grace.

[Liralen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, and doubly so for the sense of limbo that prevails. The book was published in 2000, but much of it was written earlier, when her husband was just three or so years out and still adjusting -- so it's hard to know how much more he improved, or has improved, since then, or what lasting effects it had on the people around him.

The author died in 2009 following complications from surgery, but some quick poking on the internet leads me to believe that she and her husband divorced at some point in the nine years following the book's publication -- perhaps not surprising, but a reminder that the end of the book was hardly the end of the story.

In as much as this is a book structured around recovery from traumatic brain injury, the content is not so much about that recovery as it is about dealing with it as a caretaker -- it's hard to know how much Alan has changed without being there or seeing more pre-accident scenes, but we can see how hard it is on everyone around him. (How hard for Kelly, in particular -- old enough to be in the fray of it; young enough to have very few defenses and recourses.)

[Eleasa · Rating 4 out of 5]

What makes us who we are? Are we still the same person after a brain injury or stroke or dementia changes our fundamental personality?
This bitingly funny and insightful memoir written by the wife of a survivor of a traumatic brain injury under tragic circumstances explores these questions. It's a very revealing read, including anger rages and poignant moments, warts and all, and a glimpse into navigating the American healthcare system as a carer, as well as the heroes, both ordinary and professional, whom they encounter on the way. Cathy and Alan's journey also poses the intriguing question of what comprises the personality of a person, and this question continues to linger at the back of the minds of family & friends who continue to live with & care for those living with a traumatic brain injury, or stroke, or dementia.

[jennifer]

tip: however cleverly written, do not read a memoir about caring for someone rehabilitating from traumatic brain injury when you are going to sleep, if you want to sleep and not panic all night about losing everyone you love and impermanency in general.

this might win for book most intertwined with my life, in geography, characters, and theme. cameos from dmitri of dmitri's restaurant, the lombard swim club, philadelphia school, penn law school, magee and magee riverfront, west philly indian restaurants, presumably the riverview movie theater, former city paper editor bruce schimmel making crude comments, cape may, montgomery mccracken, and first union bank (who really should have been sued mercilessly for that pretextual layoff). i won't lay out the thematic connections. sigh.

[Margaret · Rating 2 out of 5]

I started out liking this book but soon grew tired of the author's whiny attitude and the excessive use of offensive language. Yes I get it that people with brain injuries sometimes lose their ability to control the obscenities that spew out of their mouths. My dad swore like a sailor after his stroke, but really...I think I get the point without having to read the profanities over and over and over and over. The author also includes too much information about she and her husband's intimate life after his traumatic brain injury (TBI). I would say there is TMI in this account of TBI. I do not recommend this book.

[Stephi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book after reading the review but didn't care for the book at all. something about the author or her writing rubbed me the wrong way. I'm not sure if it's her bold blanket sure statements (one line was something about all neurosurgeons being Macho n needing to fix everything) or her little medical errors (bagging is not putting a tube down the throat n using a bag to force air, just refers to using an ambubag, nothing to do with the tube) but I just didn't care for her writing....

[Emilybrooks89 · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really disliked this book. I felt that Cathy Crimmins infantilized her husband, I did not find the writing particularly engaging or creative, and I felt she had a negative attitude about disabilities in general.

So, why 2 stars instead of 1? To me, the good part of this book is how Crimmins discusses how terrible managed care is for people with disabilities who need healthcare services and how important advocacy is in the medical world.

[Melissa Yutrzenka · Rating 4 out of 5]

A unapologetically raw, heart gripping, at certain parts simultaneously funny and cringey story of a family’s experience after a traumatic brain injury. You will find yourself internally upset at our healthcare system but loving this very personal account of how TBIs affect a person in the short and long term.

[Hannah Kolmetzky · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had to read this book for school and holy cow was this so eye opening. I think there could’ve been a few less details in there that strayed from the main story, but overall I have a new found view for the TBI population

[Alyssa]

Read for class

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is crass to call a personal account like this and call it a "page-turner" but it was truly that: a page turner. The author's retelling of her husband's journey through TBI and the toll it took on her family is about so much more than brain injury: it's about the heartlessness of healthcare providers, the experience of sudden downward turns in fortune, how the best parents can inadvertently create a terrible home environment for their child, what it is like to have caregiving thrust upon you, and what life is for a newly disabled and their families.

Amazingly, Crimmins conveys all of this without taking herself too seriously. (And can anyone in a situation like this be accused of taking it too seriously?) The person who recommended this book to me said it was "hilarious." I don't think it was close to that but the humorous quips in this were perfect--not too dark, just a way to show how ludicrous and surreal it can be to lose someone to a condition like this.

Read this book--it will give you a reality check and convey how life can change on you without making you recoil from its bite. If you are curious about TBI itself—the research must have come a long way since it was first published, but the experiential and human side of it is still more than worth the read.

[Julia Kerrigan]

Read for CSD 5146–I think it’s a valuable account of TBI rehabilitation, but where it falters big time for me is the descriptions of the verbal and physical abuse their 7 year old daughter endured from her father during his recovery. It is simultaneously too much (this person now has these incredibly hard moments with her father documented for the general public) and not enough (no serious grappling with these abusive moments on the authors part, other than to remark that they are difficult and traumatizing for her daughter, no larger themes about curbing inhibition related abusive tendencies from TBI survivors, etc). It’s good that it’s a raw portrayal, but some of it feels more like Kelly’s story to tell than Cathy’s.

[Joänna · Rating 2 out of 5]

To be honest, I couldn't even finish this. The victim complex and arrogance of the wife was insufferable. I don't mean to discount the trauma of losing the man you knew and loved, and supporting someone so changed. That is a magnificent feat and something I never want to attempt. And yet, it felt SO dismissive of the suffering of her husband who experienced the brain damage. The book is marketed as his story but everything is told through her lense. I can see why some would be fascinated by the tale, but it wasn't for me. It felt like a book that didn't need to be written.

[Liliana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Horrifying. Hopeful. Heartbreaking.

Cathy Crimmins writes a painful account of a moment when her life changed completely. In a matter of minutes Cathy loses the husband she knew and loved to a stranger with Traumatic Brain Injury. She speaks about how difficult it is to be a caregiver, especially when it does not come naturally to you. In one of the most shocking scenes she describes a moment when she finally can't take it anymore and screams at her husband "I will kill you" in front of their 7 year old daughter. Later that night as she steps out of the shower she discovers that her husband has left her a note on the mirror "Help me. I have TBI."

That's the hard part about this book. Cathy loves her husband, but that person is gone. The new Al is verbally abusive, spends money recklessly, and is not above kicking their dog and child. However, Cathy knows that these irrational moments are caused by the brain injury and in some excruciating and longed for moments she sees the old Alan she was married to in the new Al. Most saddening of all is that Al knows that he has changed and it is affecting his family, but he doesn't know how much.

Cathy describes how for all intents and purposes Al is a success. He's alive and he's highly functional. She knows she should feel lucky, and she does, but she also doesn't. Definitely a fascinating and honest read, but not for those looking for something with an easy resolution.

[Macey (Austin) Castro · Rating 3 out of 5]

A perspective of a family member of a patient with a severe TBI, highlighting the good, bad, and ugly of brain injury, especially when the frontal lobe is involved. It’s a very realistic experience regarding the changes that occur during healing but also a privileged perspective as this family had the insurance to cover inpatient rehab, outpatient services, and community re-entry. At the hospital I’m at, most patients unfortunately do not get the appropriate physical and cognitive therapy they need due to financies and insurance.

[Maximus Zoccolante · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book for school, and I really enjoyed it! It gave so much insight into how traumatic injuries have severe effects not only on the individual, but their families too. I cried quite a bit, especially in the Prologue; Cathy does a beautiful job in creating this metaphor of a meteor crashing down in your life. No matter how far away you get from this crater left from the meteor, something so small can bring you right back to the moment it all came crashing down.

[Lorie Kleiner Eckert · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the nonfictional story of a boating accident that left a man named Alan in a deep coma with severe damage to the frontal lobes of his brain. It is written by his wife, Cathy. The book's dedication is, "For Alan -- Past, present, and future." Knowing a little bit about traumatic brain injury (TBI) I found these words to be chilling. Clearly he will survive the injury, but clearly he will no long be who he was. Another chilling, though funny line in the book, is the description of the wife, Cathy, who does NOT claim to be a good nursemaid. Not only is she NOT Florence Nightingale, but Alan used to joke and call her Florence Kevorkian instead. I identified with Cathy because caregiving is not one of my strong points and I shuddered for their family's horrific situation. As it turns out, Alan has a miraculous recovery which gives the book a happy ending even though it is tainted with reality. Yes, Alan comes much further than anyone dreamed he could, BUT he is never going to be 100% recovered, nor will he ever again be the man Cathy fell in love with and married.

[Liza · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had to read this book for my physiological psych class. Because of that, I wasn't expecting it to be as moving and honest as it was. This is a very informative book about traumatic brain injuries (TBIs) but it's also a poignant story about learning to live with a disability, grieving someone who's not really gone, and healing emotionally and physically from trauma.

[Sloane Deterding · Rating 3 out of 5]

One thing about being an OT student is they love making you read personal illness narratives. I actually enjoyed this one more than most, but I honestly don't think it was that well written because it was literally just a retelling of his medical experience. Because I'm in a medical field I thought it was interesting, but I don't really think it was that good.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest caregiver perspective of a recovery from serious brain injury. This was an important read for me working in intensive neurorehabilitation.

[Sarah Glazewski · Rating 4 out of 5]

had to read this book for school but it was very informative about traumatic brain injuries and what the family and friends of a TBI survivor go through on a daily basis.

[Bailey Barron · Rating 5 out of 5]

Had to read this for a class in grad school and absolutely loved it!! It’s from the perspective of a woman whose husband sustains a traumatic brain injury while on a family vacation- and perfectly shows how TBI not only impacts the individual but also their family. Such a good book for any healthcare providers to read or those with someone with a TBI in their family- or anyone who wants to read it at all!!!

[Kristin · Rating 4 out of 5]

While Crimmins goes into great detail about her husband's condition in the days and weeks immediately following his getting hit on the head by an out of control boat, this book is a very educational account of the effects of traumatic brain injury on the patient plus those around him. Crimmins' husband, Alan, is fortunate, as many people with the type of injury he received remain mildly functional and live in nursing homes, and he lives at home, drives, and returns to work. That said, Crimmins makes sure to note that although she is grateful to have her husband back, he isn't the same Alan and still experiences major effects from the injury, such as little short-term memory and a tendency towards foul-mouth outbursts at trivial aggrivations, especially when tired.
A book like this is necessary so that outsiders realize what these families endure. Alan looks normal on the outside, and Crimmins finds that people treat him as if nothing happened but have expectations that are well beyond Alan's capabilities at varying steps in his recovery.
At first, I thought it would also be a constant dig at the healthcare system in the U.S. Alan's accident happened in Canada in the mid-1990s, so he was covered by Canada's government healthcare, but when Crimmins wanted to move him closer to their Philadelphia home, their private insurance made it a nightmare to get him transferred. His recovery regressed because of the difficult transfer, and the lost time became critically valuable when the insurance mandated that Alan's therapy progress on their set schedule, based solely on duration of treatment and not the degree to which he was ready to move on. Crimmins did a lot of research on brain injuries and fought hard for Alan's recovery. She had some successes, particularly when it came time for Alan to re-enter the work force, but also many failures related to insurance. Overall though, Crimmins' rants about American healthcare were isolated and mostly occurred in the early days of Alan's recovery. Still, it made me think, especially since healthcare reform is still a big topic almost 20 years later.
Overall, I enjoyed this book and liked that Crimmins didn't end it once Alan returned home, since it is actually the post-hospital period that gets little attention for TBI patients and is where the public needs the most education. It's easy to recognize and adapt to people who are patients on a hospital ward, but intermixed with the general public, TBI patients tend to be misunderstood and prone to exacerbation of their lingering symptoms which in turn are misunderstood. Definitely a worthwhile read, and it will give hope to those families looking for a miracle with their own TBI patient and support to those families for whom the miracle doesn't come or is incomplete.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well-written account of the author's first year as caregiver to her brain-damaged husband. However, perhaps it's my background working in the civil court system, but I had a hard time accepting Crimmins' implication that there wasn't money for medical treatment aside from what their HMO would authorize. Granted she wasn't present at the accident, but beyond stating that "a woman driving a boat hit him", there's no further mention of the circumstances thereafter by her ... with one exception: she finds the claims adjuster for the woman's insurance company in Alan's hospital room shortly after the accident, and throws him out immediately. That said to me that there was a settlement, if not litigation (she does mention threatening to sue the HMO at one point), involved which she cannot discuss; presumably, there's treatment money forthcoming which she downplays here. The way she handles that aspect I found clumsily disingenuous; she's explicit - to the point of TMI for me at times - with the rest of the details.

That aside, I recommend the book for the caregiver aspect.

[Camille Doty · Rating 2 out of 5]

read this for a class in grad school… very depressing at times but still pretty good. I thought the narrator was insufferable and terrible for 70% of the book, but props to her for being honest.