The Same But Different: How Twins Can Live, Love, and Learn to Be Individuals

by Joan A. Friedman

The Same but Different offers insights on and solutions to the challenges that arise when young adult twins are expected to be independent, self-assured "singletons" after having been raised as twins.

Written for twins, their families, and significant others, this book

- Instructs twins how to have an honest, authentic relationship

- Explains why twins may feel disappointed about friendships that don't match the twin connection

- Teaches twins how to work through their guilt about wanting more space

- Discusses why some twins are afraid they might never love anyone else as much as they love their twin

- Reveals how influential twin connections are in choosing a spouse, a profession, and a place to live

- Offers tips and strategies to navigate the issues of separation, individuality, and codependence

- Provides insight and understanding to families and significant others coping with twin struggles

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Parenting

179 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2014

About the author

Dr. Friedman is a prominent and well-respected twin expert who shares her passionate views and insights about twins and their emotional needs with twins and their families throughout the world.

The fact that she is an identical twin and the mother of five, including fraternal twin sons, makes her ideally suited to this task. Her commitment to twin research and her treatment of twins of all ages demonstrate the breadth and depth of her skills and experience.

She conducts groups for parents of twins and provides consultation about twin-related matters such as school placements, developmental discrepancies, behavioral issues, and individuation struggles.

Her first book, "Emotionally Healthy Twins," has received critical acclaim as a unique resource for understanding how twins develop and what parents can do to manage and understand twin-specific challenges as twins mature.

Dr. Friedman's new book, "The Same but Different: How Twins Can Live, Love and Learn to be Individuals," is about the relationship intricacies of adult twins.

She has earned doctorates from two prestigious psychoanalytic training programs in southern California. Her social work experience in community mental health facilities and hospitals has contributed to her unique perspectives about child development and parenting.

Reviews

[Joan Friedman]

Dear Friends,

What is a healthy adult twin relationship? This is the question my newest book addresses — and I’m delighted to announce "The Same But Different: How Twins Can Live, Love and Learn to be Individuals" will be published on February 1.

"The Same But Different" offers insight and advice about the realities and challenges young adult twins face as they mature and are expected to live as independent, self-assured “singletons” after having been raised as a twosome.

After publishing my first book, "Emotionally Healthy Twins," which addressed parenting twins from infancy to young adulthood, I heard from many older twins who wanted to know more about what came next. They sought guidance on how to know if the struggles they encountered as adults were related to being a twin and, if so, what they could do about their situation. This book is my response.

"The Same but Different" cuts past the “the twin mystique”— the cultural belief that all twins enjoy a lasting, magical, intermingled relationship — to address the unique interpersonal and existential problems so common to adult twins. I offer tips and strategies on how to create authentic relationships, deal with guilt about wanting more space, and navigate the complex issues related to separation, individuality, and codependence. I hope you will find confidence and inspiration too.

You can order "The Same but Different: How Twins Can Live, Love, and Learn to be Individuals" (Rocky Pines Press, ISBN: 978-0989346436, $15.95, paperback) online at amazon.com.

As always, I invite you to check my website, http://www.joanafriedmanphd.com for updates and announcements!

With affection,

Joan A. Friedman, Ph D

[Jamie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I decided to read this book because I have twins. I was very disappointed! My twins are super close and are also independent. I began to ask them as I was reading this book about the feelings and thoughts that were being expressed, and they didn't feel none of them. This book made it out to sound like if the twins are close that that was a very bad thing...in reality it's not, and actually all of my kids are close to each other. Which from growing up with my siblings not being close in age so we are not close, it actually makes me feel happy to see that all my children are close. I feel like this book was very negative on a subject that can be a very positive experience for all involved.

[Mary Fletcher · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book as a parent of four-year-old twins, rather than as an adult twin. The first few chapters give an overview of issues that can come up for adults that grew up with a twin like being overly dependent on your twin or your twin being overly dependent on you, difficulty separating, and expectations that close adult relationships will be as close as your twin relationship was. I got ideas for a few things to look out for as my kids get older.

[Kajori · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though purely anecdotal and often times almost... trite? This book was eye opening for me, especially as a twin— explained everything behind my twinship and how the relationship spills into our personal lives. A recommendation for twins and their parents, though beyond that population this may be difficult to appreciate.

[Maureen Vreeburg · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so thankful for this book!! There is not that much research on twins, and this book written by a twin-specialized therapist who is a twin herself has taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with my twinsister.

[julieta · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the second book I have read of this author, and I love all that it explores. As a twin, I feel that reading other stories from very different twin situations is a great way to keep understanding the very particular relationship that is being twins.

[Sheela Word · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well-written discussion of twin dynamics from the perspective of a counselor who has worked with many sets of twins.

[HeavyReader · Rating 3 out of 5]

I just found out I won this book from a First Reads drawing, and I don't know what shelf to put it on. Is it a "how-to" book, or more just general nonfiction? I guess I'll have a better idea once I read it.

Twins are interesting, so I entered the drawing. Will post full report once it's read.

UPDATE: I’m not sure what I thought this book was all about when I registered to win it through First Reads. I think I thought this was a more general book about twins, intended for a general audience.

In fact, this book is specifically intended for adult twins (although I think it would probably also offer helpful information to the parents of young twins and possibly the spouses of adult twins). It is essentially a self-help book for twins.

The back cover outlines what help adult twins can expect to find in this book. Among other things, the the book
“instructs twins how to have an honest and authentic relationship
“reveals how influential twin connections are in the choice of a spouse, a profession, and a place to live
“offers tips and strategies to navigate through the issues of separation, individuality, and codependence.”

The author is a twin, the mother of twins, and a psychotherapist specializing in twin issues, so I’m assuming she knows her stuff.

I actually only read the book’s preface, the first chapter, and most of the second. I found the author’s writing accessible and easy to follow. The book didn’t seem to be filled with big words or difficult to understand concepts. At the end of each chapter, there is a summary of what was covered in the form of a list of guidelines. The book includes research notes and an index.

If I were a twin, I would definitely read this book cover to cover, and I think I would find a lot of good advice for living a full adult life as an individual while still cherishing a super close sibling relationship.

[Karen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was eager to read this because I don't know of any other books about how being a twin affects adult development, and few about the psychology of twins themselves at any age, rather than twins as a tool for studying more general questions. But I was quite disappointed. It is written sort of as a self-help book, although the self-help aspects are tacked on in a text box at the end of each chapter, and are fairly superficial. Even the meat of the book felt not really in-depth enough: no citations to other research, few explanations of general psychology concepts, mostly just anecdotes about other twins. Lastly, as an adult twin myself, I was surprised at how little I related to the stories in the book. All the twins I know wanted to differentiate from their twin and most separated at the beginning of college, whereas the author seems to primarily know twins who still live together into their 20s and are afraid to separate. I wonder how common this really is, and it seemed bizarre to me.

[Kelly B · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a parent of identical twin girls, I was excited to win this book through Goodread's First Looks program. The book is geared towards adult twins who may need help being individuals instead of always thinking of themselves as a "twin couple".

I thought the twin mystique parts especially interesting. I've seen that with my own girls, when we've been out in public. Questions like, "Do they do everything at the same time?" and "Are their personalities the same?" make it clear that many people buy into the twin mystique. People expect twins (especially identical) to act the same way and have some kind of spiritual bond, instead of being same-age siblings who happen to look alike.

My twin daughters (they're almost twelve) both skimmed through the book, and I'm planning on hanging on to it so they can read it fully if so inclined when they're older.

[Sia Stewart · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to read this because I am the grandmother of identical twin girls and wanted to learn about the issues twins face as they grow up and find their way as individuals. I found this book useful, although perhaps Dr. Friedman's first book would have been more useful to me at this stage, since this book is really for adult twins, and her first is about raising healthy twins. I will search that book out next.

What I found somewhat confusing is that the book is written for same-sex twins, but that isn't clearly stated anywhere. Also, one of the things I was really curious about is how identical siblings deal with that particular issue, but this book doesn't talk about issues to do with appearance.

All in all, though, I think the book did give me some helpful insight into some of the issues same-age siblings (the author's preferred term) wrestle with and strategies they can use.

[Lindsay Elliott · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is incredibly insightful and thought provoking. I have twin siblings and found this book really interesting to get some insight into what they may be feeling, as well as how being a singleton changes the relationship and how I can relate. I believe anyone and everyone can thoroughly enjoy this book, whether they are a twin, know twins, or are simply looking to learn more about human behavior. I believe it can be applied to any close relationship, as many similarities can be seen. A very interesting and captivating read! (I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads).

[Tamara]

An interesting look at how twin relationships differ from other sibling, family, friend or significant other relationships.