This Is How I Find Her

by Sara Polsky

Sophie has always lived her life in the shadow of her mother’s bipolar monitoring medication, making sure the rent is paid, rushing home after school instead of spending time with friends, and keeping secrets from everyone.But when a suicide attempt lands Sophie’s mother in the hospital, Sophie no longer has to watch over her. She moves in with her aunt, uncle, and cousin—a family she’s been estranged from for the past five years. Rolling her suitcase across town to her family’s house is easy. What’s harder is figuring out how to rebuild her life.And as her mother’s release approaches and the old obligations loom, Sophie finds herself torn between her responsibilities toward her mother and her desire to live her own life. Sophie must decide what to do next.

Genres: Young Adult, Contemporary, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Realistic Fiction, Fiction, Family

262 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Sara Polsky’s debut YA novel, THIS IS HOW I FIND HER, will be published by Albert Whitman in fall 2013. Her fiction has appeared in Fictitious Force and Behind the Wainscot. She is represented by Suzie Townsend.

Sara also blogs for Curbed, and her articles and essays have appeared in The Christian Science Monitor, The Forward, Poets & Writers, and other publications. She lives in New York City.

Reviews

[Philomena Callan Cheekypee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a brilliantly well written debut novel. I read this in one sitting as I couldn't put it down. The author has taken the subject of mental illness and written it into a beautiful and emotional story.

Sixteen year old Sophie comes home to her bipolar mum having overdosed. Sophie has been caring for her mum for years. Now that her mum is in hospital Sophie must stay with her aunt, uncle and cousin. Living with them she realises her life could be so different without the responsibility of her mother. Just when she's adjusting her mum is on the mend and needs her help again. Will Sophie reach out and ask for help herself.

Not enough books are written about mental health. This book was so well written. I'll certainly be recommending this book to others.

[Jess at Such a Novel Idea · Rating 5 out of 5]

For more information, visit my blog, Such A Novel Idea.
http://suchanovelidea.wordpress.com

Why You Should Buy It

This is a book that has the potential to change lives. While it deals with the mature topic of mental illness, it does so in a way that a teenage can get a real picture of what it is like to live day in and day out with someone who has bipolar disorder. It also has a girl trying to come to terms with who she is, all while trying to navigate high school.

My Thoughts

*I received this from the publisher in exchange for an honest review, courtesy of NetGalley*

I read this book in about three and a half hours. I’m pretty sure I spent 3.25 of those hours in tears. This book is raw, devastatingly emotional, and beautiful. The writing is superb and story is well-paced and riveting.

From the first sentence, which also happens to be the title of the book, we find out that our protagonist leads anything but a normal life. Sixteen year old Sophie has been caring for her mother, alone, since the age of 11. But on the day this book begins (also the first week of her school year), she comes home to a bipolar mother who has overdosed. After her mother is stabilized, Sophie is forced to stay with her aunt’s family as her mother recovers.

Obviously this book is about many things, mental illness being the main focus. Sara Polsky was able to reach into my heart and make it break over and over again for Sara, her mother, and her family. Throughout the story we truly get to see the ramifications that mental illness has on an entire family, not just the person who is dealing with it.

My favorite part of the entire book is a part where the mother and her sister are talking and she says that she wishes she could be treated like a person and not an illness. When I read that, it just gave me chills. This author’s ability to bring out that kind of realness to a fiction book is incredible.

Having lived with depression and anxiety, and having other family and friends with mental illness, I think it is SO important to talk about. Mental illness has been taboo for so long, but talking about it and dealing with it out in the open takes away some of the power it can hold over a person.

Everyone knows someone, but so few people really understand. And if a teenage reads this book, it will really open their eyes and put them in the shoes of Sophie. I have not yet found a YA book that deals with it on such a real basis as this one does.

This book reminds me in a lot of ways to Nina LaCour’s Hold Still. While that book deals with suicide of a best friend, there are many parallels to be drawn. So, if you like this book, then you should definitely check that one out as well.

I cannot stress just how much I recommend this book. It will not be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.

Overall

Five out of Five Stars

[Maggie N. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sara Polsky’s "This Is How I Find Her" is a truly remarkable account of the hardships that families affected by mental disorders face daily. I literally did not want to put the book down, and that doesn’t happen very often with someone like me. I truly believe that what makes it so special is the tender voice you hear from the author with each page turn. She helps us develop the understanding that those with Bipolar disease are much more delicate than one can imagine. In the book’s case, the author uses the main character, Sophie’s mother, to show this. Sophie has to deal with endless responsibilities and stress to ensure that her mom will survive the good and bad days of dealing with mental illness.
I only had to read the first chapter before realizing that I am Sophie’s age. I cannot imagine taking on the daily responsibilities that she holds! That’s honestly why every teenager should read this book- because we can gain the perspective of what it’s like to be some of our peers. I bet that many of our classmates and those in our community face the responsibility of being a caretaker for someone who has a mental disorder. Although we may not see it, they are fighting a daily battle, and we can help lighten their load by simply supporting them. To truly understand what I’m saying, read this book! It’ll change your perspective on mental illnesses forever. I know it changed mine.

[Ximena Iglesias · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a compelling and gripping read. Sophie has been looking after her mother who suffers from bipolar disorder. Each morning she reminds her mother to take her medication and when she comes home from high school takes care of her, cooking meals and making sure they have enough money to pay their bills. Her life for the past five years has revolved around her mother and her fluctuating moods.
At the beginning of her junior year in high school her mother overdoses on her pills and ends up in hospital. Following her mothers suicide attempt, Sophie goes to live with her Uncle John, Aunt Cynthia and her cousin Leila who she been estranged from for the last 5 years for reasons unknown to her.
At first Sophie is sullen and wary as she tries to process what has happened to her mother. Gradually she begins to open up and share her feelings with her new family and friends at school. She finds out the reason why she became estranged from her cousin Leila and begins to heal the rift.
Sophie slowly starts to enjoy the freedom of not having to constantly worry about her mother and being able to do the things that she wants to do. But when her mother starts to get better, Sophie makes a brave decision to ask for help in looking after her.

[ReadAlongWithSue recovering from a stroke★⋆. ࿐࿔ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be promoted far more than it is.

As a wife of a husband who suffers with this decease and having two grown children now, I see how the effect is on everyone.

This young girl who has a dilemma, live her own life, or care for her Mother. Its a real life situation that happens more than anyone knows.

I've been involved in the Mental Health side for over 30 years and see many children like this, and many Parents who want they're children to lead 'normal' lives.

I absolutely loved this book, the author was so knowledgeable and spot on.

[Kim Baccellia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very accurate portrayal of teen living with a loved one with bipolar disorder. Kuddos for showing the emotional reactions too.

[Andrew Mattson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved how the author made the story believable to readers. It portrayed a good insight into the struggles of caring for someone else with a mental illness. Sophie’s mother had always struggled with bipolar disorder and it caused her to have external high bursts of energy and joy that she could share with her daughter and you could really feel the love they had for each other. However, what comes up must also come down as they say. On the bad days of Sophie’s mother, we see that no matter what Sophie does to help, sometimes her mother just cannot find the energy to get out of bed or really engage with work, responsibilities, or her daughter which meant Sophie had to quickly grow up and help out to keep her and her mother fed, clothes, and sheltered and also help her mother fight her illness.

As you get into the story, you learn more about Sophie’s frustrations and inner battles with herself as she’s been thrown into having to be the caretaker of her mother from such a young age that she hadn’t had anytime to properly take care of herself. She has blocked out having connections or friendships with others and often doesn’t think about her own future goals in life as she is preoccupied with taking care of her mother. Her world crashes around her though when she finds her mother tried to commit suicide while she was at school and now she is stripes of her caretaker role and placed with her Aunt and Uncle in a more stable environment where she’s not the only one that everything depends on.

The story is relatable to anyone who has helped take care of a sick family member, as many people who are left to care for loved ones when they are sick often do neglect themselves as they are more concerned with baring the responsibilities of caring for the other person and do have guilt if they try to think of themselves.

Everyone needs support from others to grow stronger and it was nice to see how Sophie slowly progressed out of her isolated world and realized she cannot bare all the blame and responsibility of taking care of her mother and handling her illness, as she is only one person and we all need others to relay on such as family or good friends to get us through difficult times. I also loved how this displayed mental illness in a thoughtful light as many people still shrug off mental illness and how it really can impact lives.

[Maureen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a fantastic debut YA-novel about a teenage girl whose mother suffers from Bipolar Disorder; it was a quick and fairly easy read that was still thought-provoking and honest. The plot moved nicely but not at the expense of developed characters, and the ending managed to be satisfyingly "happy" while still acknowledging the significant difficulties that lie ahead for Sophie and her mom. Frankly, I think this book deserves a far higher average rating here on GoodReads, and I would love to see it promoted--as it is, I only picked this up from surfing the eBook titles available from my library. Something like this deserves more attention, and teacher-friends who sometimes struggle with YA, consider this me recommending This is How I Find Her to you.

Let's go back to the beginning here. Sophie Canon is 16 years old and the primary caretaker for her mother, Amy, who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Sophie's life consists of school, managing their household, and making sure her takes her medicine every day. This leaves little time for anything else, but Sophie seems happy, especially during the stretches of time when her mom is "good." One day, Sophie comes home from school and finds her mother sprawled across the bed, unconscious, with an empty pill bottle on the night stand. While her mother is hospitalized for recovery, Sophie moves in with her Aunt Cynthia, Uncle John, and cousin Leila; we learn that Sophie and Leila had been quite close, almost sisters, growing up, until sixth grade when suddenly Cynthia, Leila, and John seem to cut Sophie and Amy out of their lives entirely.

Life with her mother in the hospital is not easy for Sophie, but she manages it well and even finds herself branching out and having a life where she didn't before. She interns at her uncle's architectural firm (a subtle and kind way to allow Sophie to make some money to help with her family's finances) where she meets Natalie, who is also in her art class and reaches out to Sophie as a friend; she rekindles a friendship with James, a boy who she and Leila used to spend time with before the sixth grade schism; and she tentatively tries to patch things up with Leila and Aunt Cynthia.

During this time, Sophie begins to realize how nice it is to have a "normal" life, without worrying about her mother or being responsible for her family's survival. When the doctor tells her that Amy is almost ready to be discharged, Sophie is horrified to find herself thinking that, maybe, she'd rather not have her mom back at home. Sophie struggles with the guilt caused by these feelings, reckoning that if she really loves her mother, she'll gladly go back to how their lives were before, and so she finds herself pulling away from her new friends. It is only after an enlightening argument with Leila (Leila admits that the summer before sixth grade, she walked in on Amy about to swallow a handful of pills in the bathroom; Amy stopped, but Leila told her mom, and, out of a fierce need to keep her own family safe, Cynthia withdraws them entirely from Amy and Sophie. This is the reason that Sophie and Leila's (and James') friendship fell apart--Sophie never knew this) that Sophie finally realizes she needs to ask for help, that she doesn't need to be the only person trying to hold her mom together.

The more I write about this book, the more I realize how much I enjoyed it. It isn't a particularly in-depth look at Bipolar Disorder, but it's not intended to be; this is primarily Sophie's story, not Amy's. Sophie is a teenager dealing with complicated, heart-wrenching issues, and while she thinks of herself as selfish for not wanting to deal with her mother's illness, I love that the author allows her to process and go through all of these feelings. Sometimes I just can't stand the way authors write teenagers: they're either one-dimensional, vapid, and selfish (Twilight, I'm looking at you), or so unbelievably wise and self-assured (every John Green character ever, now I'm looking at you), that you begin to think it's impossible for a teen to be smart, level-headed, but still questioning and unsure. Sophie possesses a maturity that undoubtedly comes from experiencing what she has, but she doesn't have all the answers, and the process by which she comes to realize that she needs to ask for help is vulnerable and realistic, something I wish I saw in more YA-lit teenagers.

Finally, there is a small subplot in which Sophie, Leila, and James are working on a poetry project for their English class (frankly, it seems like a really poorly designed assessment, but that's the teacher in me that just couldn't stop thinking about how confusing it was!). The three choose a Rumi poem called "The Guest House," which functions nicely as a thematic tie-in to what Sophie is beginning to understand about living with her mother's illness. I'd never read it before, but as someone with a vested interest in mental health and mental illness, I found it to be a really beautiful, optimistic, hopeful way of looking at these issues. I'm reprinting it here:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
--Rumi

I'm giving this novel my whole-hearted endorsement. I hope others pick it up and enjoy it. I'm also bumping this up to 5 stars, even if that is a little generous. Its GR rating needs it.

[Vanessa Fry · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book grabs your attention right from the start! Polsky writes, "On the fourth day of junior year, sometime between the second bell marking the start of chemistry class and the time I got home from school, my mother tried to kill herself." Once I read that sentence, I could not put the book down.

This is How I Find Her tells the story of Sophie, a high school junior who, for as long as she can remember, has been taking care of her mother, who suffers from bipolar disorder. After a suicide attempt lands her mother in the hospital, Sophie ends up living with her aunt, uncle, and cousin—a family she’s been estranged from for the past five years—as she begins to rebuild her life. While I realize that not everyone will be able to relate to Sophie's specific issues with her mother, I'm sure that readers will be able to relate to her struggle to navigate the social scene that is high school.

[Amanda (Books, Life and Everything Nice) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This Is How I Find Her tells the story of a teen who finds her mother after a suicide attempt. Leila’s mother has bipolar disorder, and Leila has taken care of her for most of her childhood. I like that it’s told from Leila’s perspective; her struggles to balance school, friends, caring for her mother, and trying to have fun like a typical teen. The novel doesn’t shy away from mental illness and suicide, but it also focuses on other impacts the disease can have on a family and child. I really enjoyed that Leila learned to advocate for herself as well as her mother. If you want a YA novel with a different perspective on mental illness, then this book is for you.

[Mande Garrett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This a relatable story but sad at the same time and ends with a happy ending. Sophie comes home from school and finds her barely alive from oding on prescription drugs. She had to live with her aunts family while her mother is in the hospital. During that time Sophie goes through depression and some guilt with the “what if’s. How Sophie worked through everything and finally able to speak out and work with her family to overcome things as well is so heart warming.

[Pippi van Kan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book about someone who has always give herself up for her mother and gets a chance to live her own life. The struggles and feelings are very real and you feel for her.

The reason I don't give it 5 stars. Is that I missed the last special thing, that I closed the book and that I missed the story already.

[Andrea Payne · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most books don't make me cry, but this book was really sad. It's about this girl named Sophie who came home from school one day and her mom had tried to kill herself. She is living in the shadows of her mother's bipolar disorder. This wasn't really my kind of book, I wouldn't recommend it to most people.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was hoping this book would be more about the mother and less about Sophie. It had a lot of potential to delve deeper into their relationship and how bipolar disorder affects it, but instead it was more of a classic YA story. It was fine, but not was I was expecting.

[Penny lurkykitty · Rating 4 out of 5]

A well written and compelling novel about a girl, Sophie, whose mother has bipolar disorder. The book explores how her relationships and family are affected, and how Sophie learns to ask for help from those who care about her. There need to be more books like this for young people.

[taryn · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good look at bipolar disorder and the secret pains it causes in those who suffer and care for the sufferer. This novel was a bit slow, but it’s focus on several art mediums, poetry, painting, architecture, and photography, kept it afloat.

[Leslie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writing itself was pretty straightforward but wow does it shed light on the difficulties of kids growing up with an adult with significant mental health challenges. As a teacher, books like this haunt me.

[Barbara Moher · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this one. It is told from the daughter’s viewpoint. Her mom suffers from mental illness and Sophie works hard to handle life and hide her struggles at home.Mom ends up hospitalized and Sophie struggles on…. Good book!

[Destiny · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved the growth of the main character and that she realized that her life doesn’t have to be centered around her mother's illness. I also loved how the thing that separated the family in the beginning brought them back together in the end.

[Audrey (thebookanalyst) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Title: This Is How I Find Her
Author: Sara Polsky
Genre: YA Contemporary
Publisher: Albert Whitman & Company
Length: 266 pages
Original Publishing Date: September 1st, 2013
Series: Standalone
Where I got it: NetGalley
Links: Goodreads Amazon Author's Website

Synopsis from Goodreads:
"Sophie Canon has just started her junior year when her mother tries to kill herself. Sophie has always lived her life in the shadow of her mother's bipolar disorder, monitoring her medication, rushing home after school to check on her instead of spending time with friends, and keeping her mother's diagnosis secret from everyone outside their family. But when the overdose lands Sophie's mother in the hospital, Sophie no longer has to watch over her. She moves in with her aunt, uncle, and cousin, from whom she has been estranged for the past five years. Rolling her suitcase across town to her family's house is easy. What's harder is figuring out how to build her own life."

Main characters: 4/5
The thing that I liked about Sophie was that I could see myself in her. Even though I'm not an artist like her and I don't have the exact same situation, she was easy to relate to. The way she looked at the world reminded me of myself in middle school and high school and that wasn't just by chance. That comes from Sara Polsky having a sincere and true voice that was able to connect with me. When it came to the constant pity-partying though, I was rolling my eyes. I get feeling like you're not good enough for your friends, I can connect to that, but Sophie just took it over the top and I was sick of it halfway through the book.

Secondary characters: 3.5/5
To preview the secondary cast of characters, I enjoyed the way we viewed so many of them just as Sophie did at the beginning. Sophie alienated a lot of people and we see them through her eyes. I love that throughout the story, each character becomes more complex as Sophie learns more about them. James was a little underdeveloped; we don't know a lot about him other than the fact that he's in a band and he is quieter like Sophie. I wish that Polsky had spent a little extra time developing him further. Leila and her mother Cynthia are the main characters who we see through Sophie's eyes. It was difficult to get a read on them for most of the novel, however the way that they were slowly characterized with depth and contradiction was well done. Finally, Sophie's Mom (Amy), kind of played a lesser role in the novel. I wish that she had played less of a role and more of a character.

Writing style: 4.5/5
That opening sequence took my breath away with the delicateness and heartbreaking manner in which it described Sophie finding her mother. Here's the thing about Polsky's writing style: I'm not usually a big fan of the slow-moving, long winded descriptions, but in this novel, it worked. I've been trying to figure out why I like Polsky's writing style so much and why it doesn't bore me like some other books. I think I've figured it out. Polsky has figured out the little details that remind me of high school, but she also slips them into the writing so that you're reading the action and then suddenly you get what Sophie is thinking or how she sees something.

Plot: 3.5/5
I like that the plot was simple. For some reason, it kept moving even though there wasn't a whole lot going on at any given moment. The reader follows Sophie through her life after her mother tries to kill herself. What keeps the plot moving is the interactions with other characters and Sophie's own complexities. At first I felt like the reason Sophie and her friends had gone their separate ways was a little too easy, but after thinking about it, it felt realistic. I've definitely had experiences like that. All in all, every once in a while I did wish that there was more going on plot-wise, but Polsky's writing was strong enough to keep the novel moving despite that.

Ending: 4.5/5
I actually really enjoyed this ending. Not everything was perfect, but it was realistic and the ending note was perfect.

Best scene: The very end scene

Reminded Me Of: Not sure, what does it remind you guys of?

Positives: The writing, well-though out main character, the way we see minor characters through Sophie's eyes, the ending

Negatives: Lacks some plot action, Sophie has some over-the-top pity parties, wanted more depth from the minor characters (especially Sophie's mom).

Cover: The colors in this cover are different than I normally see. I like the font, the field and house, but the fading into the girl is a little quirky. All in all, it represents the novel well.

Verdict: Genuine and sincere novel about a parent with mental illness; incredibly strong and elegant writing by Polsky.

Rating: 8.0/10 (4 stars)

What I Was Listening To:
I don't listen to slow music very often, but when I read I usually need something slower so I'm not tempted to jump up and dance. Over the years, I somehow found out about Mike Hirst and now have a ton of his music. He is great to read to and his voice is beautiful. Check him out!

[Marie Linden-Cox · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cute story but a little slow in the beginning. Easy read.

[Helene · Rating 4 out of 5]

This felt realistic. Sophie’s life is full of guilt, turmoil, and stress, yet she is able to revel in creativity and to reach out to others. I found it deeply moving and hopeful.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely YA target group; author tackles mental illness well and navigating high school.

[Angie Fehl · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Stars

In her debut novel, Sara Polsky tells the story of Sophie, a teenage (high school junior) girl living with her mentally ill mother (struggling with a blend of manic depression and bipolar disorder). Over the years, Sophie has become accustomed to being her mother's caretaker, instead of the other way around. She's never had much time for a childhood because it's largely been left up to her to make dinner every night, tend to laundry and other household chores, and to stay on her mom about taking the prescribed medications.

Then one day everything takes a horrible turn. Sophie comes home from school to find her mother on the floor, unresponsive and barely alive after a suicide attempt. Thankfully Sophie's mother is successfully revived at the hospital and prescribed Depakote to help try to balance her mind again. The attending physician suspects that Sophie's mother will require weeks of recovery, maybe even long-term care in a mental health facility, so in the meantime Sophie is sent to live with her aunt, uncle and cousin Leila.

Leila and Sophie were thick as thieves as small children but drifted apart around their 6th grade year....for reasons Sophie doesn't entirely understand. At first, Leila seems a little put out having her cousin around so much again but the constant close proximity to one another forces the girls to hash out their grievances and find common ground once again. There's also James, who used to hang with Leila and Sophie back in the old days but who also seemed to pull away from her over the years. James seems eager to rebuild the frayed friendship and help her through this tough time, but given what she's been put through recently, Sophie is reluctant to put her trust in anyone again.

The time with Leila's family gives Sophie a chance to work out her own thoughts about everything that's gone down in recent years. Not only is she able to slowly repair her bonds with Leila and James, but she's also able to view her mother's mental illness from a new, more empathetic perspective.

Though this story deals with heavy themes such as suicide and depression, I found that it didn't leave me with an oppressive feeling as similar books have in the past. Instead I found this novel to be more quiet and thoughtful. It can be sad and even heartbreaking, in parts, the way it looks at how trauma can influence or change one's way of looking at the world, but there is also an underlying sense of hope to the whole thing. I could relate to Sophie's struggles with that feeling of life getting in the way of life sometimes -- when something stressful or traumatic that you feel requires all your attention is going on, yet you still have to go to school or work and act like everything is a-okay even though there's a damn crisis going on out there people! Sophie's story also illustrates the value of a person being able to fearlessly communicate their wants and needs and how, in times of conflict, it's only natural to get nostalgic for what we perceive as simpler past times (when in reality those rosy-hued days more than likely had their share of conflict then too).

While I didn't always agree with some of the statements made in this novel -- like Uncle John saying "people wouldn't ask if they didn't really want to know", sorry I call BS, in the real world, people ask stuff merely out of politeness, and then tune out your response, all the time! -- I really enjoy this story for the food for thought it provides the reader on some tough topics that need more open and honest discussion. I found Polsky's novel to be an honest look at depression through the eyes of a teen without it being too heavy-handed, to the point where it might trigger MY depression!

[John Clark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sophie's been the caretaker for her mom since she was eleven. Mom, an artist, suffers from bipolar disorder. When she's manic, she's fun and creative, but when she's in a depressed phase, she's barely able to acknowledge Sophie. It's been that way for the past five years. Sophie's lost what friends she had, notably her cousin Leila, who was like a sister when they were younger. Something happened that started a gap between them, one that's now so wide that Sophie can't even talk to her cousin any more.
Four days after she starts her junior year, Sophie comes home and when she doesn't find Mom painting in her basement studio, an awful feeling hits her. She rushes up to the apartment where she finds her mother almost comatose, pills spilled on the floor. After managing to call 911, she finds herself in a daze, riding in the ambulance with Mom, sleepwalking through the intake process and eventually winding up back at the apartment. What will she do? Sophie begins by cleaning up the spilled pills and packing bags for herself and her mother. Then she heads to the only place left, Lila's house.
Lila's mother is her aunt and when Sophie was younger, she ended up staying in the spare bedroom with her mom numerous times while her mother tried to get her moods stabilized. This time, she's feeling as much dread as hope because of the rift with Lila and the way five years of being her mother's caretaker have drained her. When Sophie lost Leila's friendship, she also lost that of the boy who hung out with them. James was someone she could talk to and trust, but when they started sixth grade, Leila took James away with her, of so it seemed to Sophie.
Living at her aunts' house is unnerving to say the least. Not only is Sophie obsessed with her mom's illness, she's also not sure how to talk or what to say to anyone there. At school, she's hard pressed to focus on classes because of her worries about Mom, and when she's paired with James and Lila for an English project, she feels like the proverbial deer in the headlights.
Her uncle tries to help things out by offering her a job part time, using her sketching and math skills to help with some architectural projects. Natalie, a girl from her art class has also started working there and the two girls form a tentative friendship that starts to fracture almost as soon as it begins because Sophie's so tied up in keeping a facade that everything's okay.
It takes some crashing and burning on her part in order for a much needed healing process to begin. That requires her to bottom out enough to begin asking for help and letting go of the 'teen as adult' role her mother's illness forced upon her. The journey back is hard and not without pain, but the end result is well worth it.
This is an excellent book for teens who are struggling with mental illness in a family member or who feel they have secrets that stand between them and the things they really want out of life. It's an excellent book for any library to own.

[Sandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can already tell that This is How I Find Her is one of those books that isn’t going to get the recognition it deserves. This book was really, really good guys! Seriously! This is another one of those books where I need to clarify that while I love love stories, I just generally love stories that make me feel deeply. This Is How I Find Her does have a romantic relationship building, but that relationship is not the focus of this book as a whole. I didn’t quite cry or bawl my way through This Is How I Find Her, but I did tear up and it was an emotional read.

As the description says, This is How I Find Her is about Sophie deciding how much of her responsibilities for the past 5 years she can continue to handle by herself and how much she needs other people to help her. Sophie’s mother is bipolar. Without having been too close to anyone who has bipolar disorder, I thought the description of Sophie’s mother and her highs and lows felt very real. Sophie begins taking care of her mother from more of a parent role than child around the age of eleven. About the same time, Sophie enters middle school—a time where self-discovery is critical—loses her two best friends, and finds herself completely alone with such a burden of responsibility on her back. Sophie still isn’t in the best of places. She’s very lonely, and while she loves her mother very much, she just has too much on her very young shoulders. I completely felt for Sophie. I connected with her on so many levels—holding her tongue most of the time, but occasionally letting out how she really feels in an angry whirlwind. She’s depressed, scared, and as I’ve already said, lonely most of all.

Sophie is what makes this book. Her friends and family want to help, but they’ve been away for so long, it takes a long, painful, and slow process for Sophie to allow herself to open up to others and ask for what she needs. And it takes everyone else a long time to realize their own mistakes and missteps. One of the loudest messages I got from This is How I Find Her is about assumptions and perceptions. Sophie went so long without asking the questions in her head. Because she didn’t ask, she went years without getting the information she needed and craved. And relationships began to drift apart. She saw everything one sided—though she had no reason to assume there were other sides. But this book proves why communication is so essential to the preservation of relationships.

This is How I Find Her gets 4 stars. I’m keeping my eye out for more by Sara Polsky. Have you read This Is How I Find Her? What did you think? Let me know!

For more reviews, check out Somewhere Only We Know.

[Stormy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is How I Find Her surprised me in the end. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than I expected. I remember requesting this, forgetting about it, and then not being able to remember WHY I requested it in the first place because it really didn’t sound like my kind of book. And in the end, it wasn’t, but it was still rather decent.

There were parts of This is How I Find Her that I really liked. Sophie’s dealing with her mother was well done, I think. I’ve never been a caretaker for someone with a mental illness, but I have been a caretaker for someone who is sick, and I definitely thought This is How I Find Her portrayed those ups-and-downs well. At sixteen, Sophie doesn’t really get to live a life of her own because she’s spending all her time caring for her mother.

I really loved the relationship between Sophie and her mother. It’s tense, of course, but they really do love each other and it’s easy to see. It was quite difficult at times to see Sophie’s mother portrayed on the page just because I never knew what was coming–a happy memory, or a scary one? And seeing Sophie visiting her mother in the hospital made me ache a little bit for her. I’ve been there, it’s tough.

However, while all that was done pretty well, there were definitely some things I wanted MORE of in This is How I Find Her. It’s quite short, and sort of suffers from a weird syndrome: Having a lagging middle and not enough of an ending all at the same time. The middle of this book is mainly just Sophie thinking over and over again about her life and going to school. There’s no forward motion for too many chapters, and too many flashbacks too early, before I cared about the characters.

There’s some parts of the book that pick up eventually, but by the end, I still wasn’t quite satisfied. Sophie sort of has learned she wants to live her own life, and she takes some steps towards that, but not enough for me to believe that anything will ACTUALLY change for her. Sophie makes friends, but nothing makes me as a reader think it will last. Same with the almost-romance. It just ended too soon, before I could really embrace Sophie at the end of the book.

Final Impression: I think this book suffered a bit because of it’s length. There just wasn’t enough time for me to get REALLY invested in the characters, and I wasn’t sold on the resolution. That being said, I think This is How I Find Her did a few things really well that I appreciated. I liked it, but I probably wouldn’t pick it up again.

[Literary Strawberry · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't sure what to rate this at first. I wasn't completely captured by this book; I didn't feel totally immersed in the story or fall deeply in love with the characters; it was a very good book, really, I just didn't /love/ it. Still, it deals with an important subject that isn't touched on a whole lot, and I think that she did it in a very real, honest way. That, along with the functional writing and believable characters, brings it up to four stars.

The girl's mother in this book has bipolar disorder; some days she's happy, full of energy, sometimes doing things she probably wouldn't if she'd been thinking completely straight; other times she's hit with crushing, overwhelming depression, and won't even get out of bed. The book begins with Sophie, the main character, coming home and finding her mother with an almost empty bottle of pills that she had just tried to kill herself with.

For the majority of the book, Sophie's mother is in the hospital, and Sophie has to move in with her aunt and uncle, and the cousin she used to be best friends with but now hardly speaks to. Sophie has to deal with loneliness (she still isn't sure why her two best friends abandoned her at the beginning of middle school, and she isn't sure how to act with them now), guilt (she was the one who was supposed to make sure her mother kept taking her pills), and shame (she attempts to keep her mother's condition a secret from everybody else).

I thought that her mother's condition and Sophie's response to it was very realistically portrayed, and while she isn't demonized, the author doesn't try to play her illness off as a light thing, either. Sophie's feelings of isolation and not wanting anyone to find out felt real to me, as well. And while there isn't some sugar-sweet happy ending where everything is magically all better, the story is not without hope. Sophie grows quite a bit through the story, and I truly believe that she's better off at the end than she was at the beginning.

So. Yes. This wasn't a "JUMPING UP AND DOWN BECAUSE //YOU GUYS NEED TO READ THIS BOOK I LOVE IT WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL OKAY//" sort of book, but it is definitely worth reading. Good portrayals of mental illness can be hard to find, and I was satisfied with this one.

Rating: PG13. Deals with issues like depression and suicide. Not much swearing, though there is a single use of the F-bomb near the end.

[Angie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Originally posted at Disquietus Reads

When it comes to this book I’ve got some seriously mixed feelings. Having grown up with both a bipolar father & mother, I was looking for, and expecting, a story that I could relate to that would reach me on an emotional level. Unfortunately that was not the case for me. While I could feel sympathy for Sophie, the book failed to pull any emotion out of me until about 2/3 of the way through the story.

The writing itself was average. It wasn’t bad but it was a little too simplistic for my tastes at times. The bare bones conciseness may have been intended to show how numb, bleak and lonely Sophie’s life is but instead it caused the characters to fall flat for me, especially Sophie. While I definitely sympathized with her, I found her lack of emotion-whether it be anger, grief, joy, really any emotion, to be unbelievable and unrelatable. While I could understand Sophie’s initial numbness being a result of her shock and possibly some PTSD, I really felt as if she took too long to start breaking down those walls and showing real emotion which in turn made it impossible fore me to feel any emotion for her. While I do think that the growth she went through in this book after moving in with her Aunt Cynthia was well done, by the time she started standing up for herself and not blaming herself for the situation with her mother it was too little too late.

The relationship in the book that really worked for me, and that I could relate to was the one between Sophie and her cousin Leila. The pain of losing your best friend because your caught between your parents, growing apart because your interests no longer merge and all of those difficult things that happen when you’re growing up, especially when your family essentially isolates you. While I didn’t love the character of Leila, I did love the way the author portrayed her relationship with Sophie and found their re-connection to be very organic.

I do feel as if the author did represent bipolar disorder in an honest way. The writing style and lack of character development just didn’t work for me and made it impossible for me to emotionally connect with the characters and story.

[PinkAmy loves books, cats and naps · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5
Sixteen-year-old Sophie has always been more caretaker than daughter to her bipolar mom--making sure she takes her meds, cooking, cleaning, listening to her problems. When her mother is hospitalized after ODing on her meds, she moves in with her aunt, uncle, and cousin, the same cousin who was once her best friend but hasn't talked to her in five years for reasons unknown. At first sullen and withdrawn, Sophie begins to open up, make some old and new friends, and to imagine having her own life instead of trying to manage her mother's. But when the date for her mother's release draws near, she's not sure what she wants and whether all she's gained over the past weeks will be lost.
I'm always glad to find a YA book that accurately, or almost accurately depicts mental illness for young adults. THIS IS HOW I FIND HER is a fairly accurate, albeit somewhat exaggerated, account of a teen with a single mom, trying do cope with the highs and lows of bipolar disorder. Things that weren't accurate was the manner in which doctors spoke to Sophie as if she weren't a minor and their expectations for when her mother eventually got released. The mania phase if the disorder probably focused to extreme incidents for dramatic effect, rather than less outwardly blatant characteristics.
The narrator, Sophie was somewhat fleshed out, but the other characters seemed more mundane. Her narration was rather bland, lacking a distinctive voice. Part of that may have been intentional, due to the scary and depressing situation she was in, but I still never felt like she had much of a personality.
The writing was adequate, with some great sentences and paragraphs here and there, however the pacing was slow and lacked tension.
I bumped the rating up to 4 stars based on topic alone, since good novels on mental illness are hard to find