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Sanar la Verguenza Que Nos Domina: Como Superar el Miedo a exteriorizar tu verdadero yo / Heal The Shamefulness That Dominates Us: How to Surpass the Fear and Reveal Your True You
In an emotionally revealing way Bradshaw shows us how toxic shame is the core problem in our compulsions, co-dependencies, addictions ant he drive to superachieve resulting in the breakdown in the family system and our inability to go forward with our lives. We are bound, Bradshaw tells us by our shame. He offers us the techniques to heal our shame.
352 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 1988
2020 people are currently reading
17727 people want to read
About the author
John Bradshaw
259 books368 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name.
John Bradshaw has been called "America's leading personal growth expert." The author of five New York Times bestsellers, Bradshaw On: The Family, Healing the Shame That Binds You, Homecoming, Creating Love, and Family Secrets. He created and hosted four nationally broadcast PBS television series based on his best-selling books. John pioneered the concept of the "Inner Child" and brought the term "dysfunctional family" into the mainstream. He has touched and changed millions of lives through his books, television series, and his lectures and workshops around the country.
During the past twenty-five years he has worked as a counselor, theologian, management consultant, and public speaker, becoming one of the primary figures in the contemporary self-help movement.
John Bradshaw has been called "America's leading personal growth expert." The author of five New York Times bestsellers, Bradshaw On: The Family, Healing the Shame That Binds You, Homecoming, Creating Love, and Family Secrets. He created and hosted four nationally broadcast PBS television series based on his best-selling books. John pioneered the concept of the "Inner Child" and brought the term "dysfunctional family" into the mainstream. He has touched and changed millions of lives through his books, television series, and his lectures and workshops around the country.
During the past twenty-five years he has worked as a counselor, theologian, management consultant, and public speaker, becoming one of the primary figures in the contemporary self-help movement.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 455 reviews
April 28, 2010
In the category of self-help books for depression and anxiety, this was definitely a book that completely altered my outlook on life.
I have to warn that the first part delineates the problem, and the second half delineates the solution. The first part can be very tough to get through. But it is necessary to understand the extent of toxic shame. And once you get to the solution part, there are some great things & it's worth it.
I recommend this book for not only people struggling with depression, but anyone who struggles with self-esteem issues, ANY addictions (from shopping to sugar and all the stuff that's worse!), anyone wanting not to make the mistake of parenting kids (or teaching kids in school) in a way that makes them feel toxic shame, or anyone who had a difficult experience in childhood. (No, it doesn't have to be outright abuse, just anything traumatizing.)
I think Shame Research is fascinating & I want to read more on that topic, and also more by this author.
I have to warn that the first part delineates the problem, and the second half delineates the solution. The first part can be very tough to get through. But it is necessary to understand the extent of toxic shame. And once you get to the solution part, there are some great things & it's worth it.
I recommend this book for not only people struggling with depression, but anyone who struggles with self-esteem issues, ANY addictions (from shopping to sugar and all the stuff that's worse!), anyone wanting not to make the mistake of parenting kids (or teaching kids in school) in a way that makes them feel toxic shame, or anyone who had a difficult experience in childhood. (No, it doesn't have to be outright abuse, just anything traumatizing.)
I think Shame Research is fascinating & I want to read more on that topic, and also more by this author.
October 27, 2012
When you are stuck inside a closed family system, you do not know you are not normal. Because the entire organism is ill, you think like the other members of your family, in spite of how wrong you feel within. It is not safe to complain. You are expected to be compliant, and worse--to be grateful.
Healing The Shame That Binds You explains in poetic detail the not so easy to see dynamics that create shame and guilt in closed dysfunctional family systems.
When my life was falling apart, and my family began walking out of my life, because I was no longer following their rules, or thinking like them, deep shame showed up in my life. I felt guilty for speaking up for myself. I felt ashamed for displeasing my parents. I felt shame for not doing what they wanted me to do--which was stay inside a dysfunctional marriage.
When I entered therapy and began to learn how my grandparents alcoholism had affected my parents ability to nurture my siblings and I in a healthy and intimate way, my therapist suggested I pick up a copy of this book.
And I am so glad I did.
I have referred to it often in the past thirteen years or so, and recommend it to anyone in search of a personal healing.
Namaste...
Healing The Shame That Binds You explains in poetic detail the not so easy to see dynamics that create shame and guilt in closed dysfunctional family systems.
When my life was falling apart, and my family began walking out of my life, because I was no longer following their rules, or thinking like them, deep shame showed up in my life. I felt guilty for speaking up for myself. I felt ashamed for displeasing my parents. I felt shame for not doing what they wanted me to do--which was stay inside a dysfunctional marriage.
When I entered therapy and began to learn how my grandparents alcoholism had affected my parents ability to nurture my siblings and I in a healthy and intimate way, my therapist suggested I pick up a copy of this book.
And I am so glad I did.
I have referred to it often in the past thirteen years or so, and recommend it to anyone in search of a personal healing.
Namaste...
February 12, 2009
This book is a fundamental text in the field. What I found most helpful was understanding that shame-based families operate in a set of dysfunctional rules. Understanding that is the key to uprooting them from your psyche (or at least not taking them seriously).
It also helped me understand the physical experience of shame and how it shuts down your whole system - it binds to the emotions or sensations you were feeling at the time you were shamed, so when you feel those emotions again, the shame comes back. So, normal emotions or sensations such as embarrassment or shyness trigger excruciating feelings of shame.
One disappointing aspect was the focus on 12-step groups as the only solution. There are others - you can work with the feelings yourself, by slowly exposing yourself to the triggering experiences and breathing through the shame attacks. This work is best done in therapy - both because it's easier to trigger the feelings in a context where that is your specific goal, and because it's often a gentler and safer context in which to experience the feelings. Since shame is so overwhelming, experiencing it in normal social contexts is not fun and will usually cause you act in strange ways to try to shut down the feeling (like suddenly and vehemently changing the topic). That can be embarrassing and shame-producing in and of itself, so I recommend therapy. Most people you meet aren't all that comfortable with their own shame. In looking for a therapist, ask or assess whether they've worked through their own shame. Being a therapist doesn't automatically mean you are qualified to be one.
It also helped me understand the physical experience of shame and how it shuts down your whole system - it binds to the emotions or sensations you were feeling at the time you were shamed, so when you feel those emotions again, the shame comes back. So, normal emotions or sensations such as embarrassment or shyness trigger excruciating feelings of shame.
One disappointing aspect was the focus on 12-step groups as the only solution. There are others - you can work with the feelings yourself, by slowly exposing yourself to the triggering experiences and breathing through the shame attacks. This work is best done in therapy - both because it's easier to trigger the feelings in a context where that is your specific goal, and because it's often a gentler and safer context in which to experience the feelings. Since shame is so overwhelming, experiencing it in normal social contexts is not fun and will usually cause you act in strange ways to try to shut down the feeling (like suddenly and vehemently changing the topic). That can be embarrassing and shame-producing in and of itself, so I recommend therapy. Most people you meet aren't all that comfortable with their own shame. In looking for a therapist, ask or assess whether they've worked through their own shame. Being a therapist doesn't automatically mean you are qualified to be one.
July 25, 2016
This book gave me a lot to think about. I don't doubt that it is true that a lot of behavior that is "off" is caused by shame, but I can't believe that all of it is. For example, isn't some addiction just caused by the addictive nature of the substances? Anyway, here are some ideas from this book that I thought were interesting.
Toxic shame makes you not love yourself the way you are, so you need something outside yourself to feel whole. You obsess on this thing outside yourself. Instead of just being yourself, you need to constantly do things. You become a “human doing” instead of a “human being.” When you have toxic shame, you are unable to be yourself; instead, you keep your true self a secret and present a different self to the world (persona).
One cause of adult anxiety is being overexposed as a child before you were able to develop any boundaries to protect yourself. An example would be a parent who is overly judgmental in criticizing developmentally normal childhood behavior. Toxic shame is often manifested in dreams of being naked in inappropriate places or in not being prepared, as in suddenly having to take your final exam without having prepared for it.
If you have toxic shame, you develop a script and then live life like an actor playing a role. The melodramatic scripts were described by Thoreau when he said that the mass of humanity live lives of quiet desperation.
Very few people actually live truly authentic lives. Your inauthentic role could take many forms: being perfectionist, seeking power and control, rage, arrogance or pride, being critical, judgmental, contemptuous or patronizing. Always being a caregiver, people-pleaser or “nice guy,” being filled with envy.
If you need something outside yourself to feel whole, you may engage in addictive/compulsive behaviors such as overeating, drinking, drugs, obsessive sex/pornography, gambling. When your needs are neglected as a child, you get the message that your needs are not important. Then you feel shame when you feel needy.
Ruminating can be a thought addiction. You spend all your time thinking in order to avoid feeling.
You can be addicted to constant activity: shopping, reading, exercising, watching sports, watching TV, taking care of pets or being a workaholic.
You may convert your wide array of needs into sexual needs. You may need orgasms to restore good feelings about yourself even when your actual needs are unrelated to sexuality.
We are all in a posthypnotic trance induced in early infancy. The “inner voice” is the insidious self-destructive process, an external point of view toward oneself initially derived from the parents’ suppressed hostile feeling toward the child.
Expecting your partner to provide what one’s parent failed to provide is a delusion. It is an unrealistic expectation and ends in disappointment and anger.
The main principle for handling criticism is Never Defend Yourself. Instead, follow these steps: (1) State what is TRUE about the criticism. (2) Ask the critic for more information in order to understand the criticism better. (3) Ask the other person why they feel the way they do. (4) Admit that you are wrong and that you are human. (5) Look the other person directly in the eye and state why you are still okay with the way you are. (6) Confirm that you are a good person. (7) Try to understand how the other person feels and comfort them.
Shame-based distorted thinking: catastrophizing, mind reading, personalization, overgeneralization, either/or thinking, being right, “should” thinking, control thinking fallacies, cognitive deficiency or filtering, blaming and global labeling
Example of catastrophizing: when a spouse acts slightly frustrated, thinking they are incredibly angry at you and that they will remain so for a long time and that there is nothing that you can do about it and that this will lead to divorce. Reality: what is the percentage chance of the thing happening?
Example of mind reading: when someone doesn’t talk to you, you think they are mad at you. Reality: you are hallucinating; gather evidence about what is really happening.
Example of personalization: when someone constantly states that they’re sick and tired, you think they are sick and tired of you. If another person is saying or doing something, assume it is about the other person, not about you.
Example of overgeneralization: when one thing about the relationship is a problem, you think that the entire relationship is a problem. What is the evidence that supports your conclusion, and what is the evidence that does not support your conclusion?
Example of either/or thinking: Either a person is perfect, or the person is worthless. Counter: “About 5 percent of the time I’m selfish, but the rest of the time I’m loving and generous.”
Example of being right: If you think you’re right, you are completely defensive about what you do, but if you accept that you are human, you can just admit that it really doesn’t matter whether you are right or wrong. Ask yourself: “What can I learn from the other person’s opinion.”
Example of should thinking: This is the way things “should” be rather than this is what I want and this fills my emotional needs. Think of exceptions to the “rule” that you have created.
Example of control thinking fallacies: You think that something outside yourself controls the way that you are. You need to take responsibility for your own emotions and let other people make their own choices.
Example of cognitive deficiency or filtering: You are completely fixated on the one bad thing and ignore the multitude of good things. Say to yourself: “this is distressing, but not dangerous.” You need to refocus your attention to the things that you have that are valuable.
Example of blaming and global labelling: Blaming your unhappiness on other people. Have you honestly expressed how you feel to the other person?
In summary, toxic shame makes you believe that you are more than human (e.g. you must act like a perfect, selfless martyr) or less than human (you believe you are not worthy of having your needs met). Healthy shame is believing that you are human and being able to express your emotional needs with humility or even embarrassment, but nevertheless being able to express your needs without "freaking out."
Toxic shame makes you not love yourself the way you are, so you need something outside yourself to feel whole. You obsess on this thing outside yourself. Instead of just being yourself, you need to constantly do things. You become a “human doing” instead of a “human being.” When you have toxic shame, you are unable to be yourself; instead, you keep your true self a secret and present a different self to the world (persona).
One cause of adult anxiety is being overexposed as a child before you were able to develop any boundaries to protect yourself. An example would be a parent who is overly judgmental in criticizing developmentally normal childhood behavior. Toxic shame is often manifested in dreams of being naked in inappropriate places or in not being prepared, as in suddenly having to take your final exam without having prepared for it.
If you have toxic shame, you develop a script and then live life like an actor playing a role. The melodramatic scripts were described by Thoreau when he said that the mass of humanity live lives of quiet desperation.
Very few people actually live truly authentic lives. Your inauthentic role could take many forms: being perfectionist, seeking power and control, rage, arrogance or pride, being critical, judgmental, contemptuous or patronizing. Always being a caregiver, people-pleaser or “nice guy,” being filled with envy.
If you need something outside yourself to feel whole, you may engage in addictive/compulsive behaviors such as overeating, drinking, drugs, obsessive sex/pornography, gambling. When your needs are neglected as a child, you get the message that your needs are not important. Then you feel shame when you feel needy.
Ruminating can be a thought addiction. You spend all your time thinking in order to avoid feeling.
You can be addicted to constant activity: shopping, reading, exercising, watching sports, watching TV, taking care of pets or being a workaholic.
You may convert your wide array of needs into sexual needs. You may need orgasms to restore good feelings about yourself even when your actual needs are unrelated to sexuality.
We are all in a posthypnotic trance induced in early infancy. The “inner voice” is the insidious self-destructive process, an external point of view toward oneself initially derived from the parents’ suppressed hostile feeling toward the child.
Expecting your partner to provide what one’s parent failed to provide is a delusion. It is an unrealistic expectation and ends in disappointment and anger.
The main principle for handling criticism is Never Defend Yourself. Instead, follow these steps: (1) State what is TRUE about the criticism. (2) Ask the critic for more information in order to understand the criticism better. (3) Ask the other person why they feel the way they do. (4) Admit that you are wrong and that you are human. (5) Look the other person directly in the eye and state why you are still okay with the way you are. (6) Confirm that you are a good person. (7) Try to understand how the other person feels and comfort them.
Shame-based distorted thinking: catastrophizing, mind reading, personalization, overgeneralization, either/or thinking, being right, “should” thinking, control thinking fallacies, cognitive deficiency or filtering, blaming and global labeling
Example of catastrophizing: when a spouse acts slightly frustrated, thinking they are incredibly angry at you and that they will remain so for a long time and that there is nothing that you can do about it and that this will lead to divorce. Reality: what is the percentage chance of the thing happening?
Example of mind reading: when someone doesn’t talk to you, you think they are mad at you. Reality: you are hallucinating; gather evidence about what is really happening.
Example of personalization: when someone constantly states that they’re sick and tired, you think they are sick and tired of you. If another person is saying or doing something, assume it is about the other person, not about you.
Example of overgeneralization: when one thing about the relationship is a problem, you think that the entire relationship is a problem. What is the evidence that supports your conclusion, and what is the evidence that does not support your conclusion?
Example of either/or thinking: Either a person is perfect, or the person is worthless. Counter: “About 5 percent of the time I’m selfish, but the rest of the time I’m loving and generous.”
Example of being right: If you think you’re right, you are completely defensive about what you do, but if you accept that you are human, you can just admit that it really doesn’t matter whether you are right or wrong. Ask yourself: “What can I learn from the other person’s opinion.”
Example of should thinking: This is the way things “should” be rather than this is what I want and this fills my emotional needs. Think of exceptions to the “rule” that you have created.
Example of control thinking fallacies: You think that something outside yourself controls the way that you are. You need to take responsibility for your own emotions and let other people make their own choices.
Example of cognitive deficiency or filtering: You are completely fixated on the one bad thing and ignore the multitude of good things. Say to yourself: “this is distressing, but not dangerous.” You need to refocus your attention to the things that you have that are valuable.
Example of blaming and global labelling: Blaming your unhappiness on other people. Have you honestly expressed how you feel to the other person?
In summary, toxic shame makes you believe that you are more than human (e.g. you must act like a perfect, selfless martyr) or less than human (you believe you are not worthy of having your needs met). Healthy shame is believing that you are human and being able to express your emotional needs with humility or even embarrassment, but nevertheless being able to express your needs without "freaking out."
September 10, 2017
If shame causes everything, then what does it even mean?
According to this book, shame - toxic or healthy - is the root cause of every type of human behavior ever. The writing is grandiose, vague, and so convinced of its own thesis that it offers no more than declarative statements as evidence of itself. Avoid! PS: doesn't help that this guy thinks atheism is a manifestation of "spiritual bankruptcy" caused by toxic shame.
According to this book, shame - toxic or healthy - is the root cause of every type of human behavior ever. The writing is grandiose, vague, and so convinced of its own thesis that it offers no more than declarative statements as evidence of itself. Avoid! PS: doesn't help that this guy thinks atheism is a manifestation of "spiritual bankruptcy" caused by toxic shame.
August 26, 2017
I stopped reading at page 30.
The ideas are worthy, but the author repeats his concepts again and again - and again! And in doing so, he makes me wonder about his need to convince himself.
The author sounds still obsessed with his own demons: this makes for a heartfelt sharing, but not for an objective viewpoint. And he wants to explain everything with shame, every ill and every neurosis: I distrust any unique explanation, especially when it's about complex phenomena - you know the saying, "When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail".
Besides, too much religious interpretations - for me, at least. And the need to "redeem" what he calls "healthy shame"... something that smells like Church, and I don't really think it's as healthy as he says it is.
Finally, the language is sometimes unclear and confusing.
All in all, good ideas, passable execution.
You may get something good from reading it, sure, but I wonder if other books on the topic might be easier to read and giving better insights.
The ideas are worthy, but the author repeats his concepts again and again - and again! And in doing so, he makes me wonder about his need to convince himself.
The author sounds still obsessed with his own demons: this makes for a heartfelt sharing, but not for an objective viewpoint. And he wants to explain everything with shame, every ill and every neurosis: I distrust any unique explanation, especially when it's about complex phenomena - you know the saying, "When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail".
Besides, too much religious interpretations - for me, at least. And the need to "redeem" what he calls "healthy shame"... something that smells like Church, and I don't really think it's as healthy as he says it is.
Finally, the language is sometimes unclear and confusing.
All in all, good ideas, passable execution.
You may get something good from reading it, sure, but I wonder if other books on the topic might be easier to read and giving better insights.
March 29, 2023
At times great.
At other times….
Um…
More than a little cringey.
Despite the fact that sections of this (still very useful) text didn’t age super well.
This is VERY worth reading.
The BIG bullets are:
- repression can be more accurately understood as the aspects of our authentic selves, including our thoughts and feelings, that we needed to conceal in order to survive.
- internalized shame (and any other inconvenient feelings we repress) becomes part of our identity.
- the pathway out of internalized shame begins with naming it (and as such, externalizing it), differentiating from it (in other words, becoming the non reactive witness of it), working through it (with another person), and becoming unburdened from it via self acceptance, self love and via meditation and prayer (that’s right, the author is Christian, but don’t hold that against him, he’s thoughtful, humble, self disclosing, self aware and deeply philosophical too).
4/5 ⭐️
And I’m jumping straight on to another book by the same author: Bradshaw on the Family.
At other times….
Um…
More than a little cringey.
Despite the fact that sections of this (still very useful) text didn’t age super well.
This is VERY worth reading.
The BIG bullets are:
- repression can be more accurately understood as the aspects of our authentic selves, including our thoughts and feelings, that we needed to conceal in order to survive.
- internalized shame (and any other inconvenient feelings we repress) becomes part of our identity.
- the pathway out of internalized shame begins with naming it (and as such, externalizing it), differentiating from it (in other words, becoming the non reactive witness of it), working through it (with another person), and becoming unburdened from it via self acceptance, self love and via meditation and prayer (that’s right, the author is Christian, but don’t hold that against him, he’s thoughtful, humble, self disclosing, self aware and deeply philosophical too).
4/5 ⭐️
And I’m jumping straight on to another book by the same author: Bradshaw on the Family.
July 24, 2024
۳ مرداد ۱۴۰۳
این کتاب راجب toxic shame هست
تاکسیک شیم همون احساس ناکافی بودن که ریشه در کودکی،تربیت و فرهنگ داره که در بخش های مختلف زندگی ریشه پیدا میکنه و فکر میکنیم حق ما نیست دلخواهمون(شغل،پارتنر،وضعیت مالی و ...) رو داشته باشیم
این کتاب راجب toxic shame هست
تاکسیک شیم همون احساس ناکافی بودن که ریشه در کودکی،تربیت و فرهنگ داره که در بخش های مختلف زندگی ریشه پیدا میکنه و فکر میکنیم حق ما نیست دلخواهمون(شغل،پارتنر،وضعیت مالی و ...) رو داشته باشیم
March 29, 2012
This book changed my life. I'm almost a different person. What this book taught me let me shed shame, and the accompanying terror and anxiety, at least the non chemically motivated kind of anxiety. There's even a section on nlp that helps you alter those shame spiral bad memories that come back over and over, so they never surface without your consent. I am not a self-help book person, but this book is beyond good, I recommend it to anyone who's ever said ihatemyself i hate myself ihatemyself and anyone whose perfectionism may have made them part perfect and part crippled. My therapist recommended it and it did more for me than all the therapy I've ever had.
October 18, 2017
Dropped the book.
First, I would rather not read book written by non-professional, they could do more harm than good. Second, I am afraid this is what I think it is, interpreting the shame based on the Adam story. Especially when I couldn’t find a clear definition for shame. The whole trying to be more than human, shame as limitations and the covering of authentic self is based on that story. When the author claim that many problems are caused by shame, he is referring to his “belief”. According to what he said:
Let me add that the way he talks about spirituality makes me uncomfortable. It is very descriptive/imaginative?
I am disappointed, I had high exceptions for the book because of the high ratings :/
First, I would rather not read book written by non-professional, they could do more harm than good. Second, I am afraid this is what I think it is, interpreting the shame based on the Adam story. Especially when I couldn’t find a clear definition for shame. The whole trying to be more than human, shame as limitations and the covering of authentic self is based on that story. When the author claim that many problems are caused by shame, he is referring to his “belief”. According to what he said:
“The bible describes shame as the core and consequence of Adam’s fall.”
Let me add that the way he talks about spirituality makes me uncomfortable. It is very descriptive/imaginative?
"The problem of toxic shame is ultimately a spiritual problem. I call it "spiritual bankruptcy". I suggested earlier that spirituality is the essence of human existence. We are not material being on spiritual journey; we are spiritual beings who need and earthly journey to become fully spiritual. spirituality is a life style-that which enhances and expands life. Therefore, spirituality is about growth and expansion, newness and creativity. Spirituality is about being. Being is about victorious thrust whereby we triumph over nothingness. Being is about why there is something, rather than nothing. Being is the ground of all beings that are."
I am disappointed, I had high exceptions for the book because of the high ratings :/
August 3, 2011
This is one of the most enlightening and interesting books I've ever read. But it loses 1/2 a star (and that's generous) for having a title that could send you into a world of shame all on its own. Could you read this on the subway? I did, but I bought a purple book cover for it in order to do so. ... The book talks about how, starting with the story of Adam and Eve, shame has always been at the root of all our undoings. And yet our society continues to use shame as an attempted form of discipline and reformation. Bradshaw tells us how to get from under that practice so we can live happier lives with fewer restrictions. You don't have to be unhappy or searching to read this. It's also great for parenting, understanding others in our lives, and society in general.
May 7, 2015
I'v never heard who John Bradshaw is, so I decided to watch some videos of him. To be honest, I didn't really gain much trust in him after watching his speeches. A recovered alcoholic, without any psychological degree, who really could have talked a bit less loud – that's what I remembered the most about him. Although he notices his own past mistakes, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was not honest. I was really skeptical about the book's ratings.
This work, as noted by some other people, is really a mix of many theories. I could digest the first part of the book, trying to not pay much attention to the author's hypocrisy.
But the healing part is just some home remedy and cult-like level stuff. I simply don't think imagining yourself as a child, and talking to him, actually does you any good except making you feel like you are going crazy. I didn't even want to read the spirituality part. I think the author should go and write his stories about a higher being elsewhere.
Bradshaw constantly puts down people who "struggle for power", like priests and teachers, and that's EXACTLY what he's doing in this book: trying to take a position of power to teach people what's right and wrong. But every time I see his face, I just see an alcoholic and a hypocrite. I think before going to heal people with your miraculous technics, you should heal yourself first.
Finally, I really felt like googling "John Bradshaw criticism". Here are some quotes by actual psychologists I found:
"Consider the abuse guru John Bradshaw who, through a series of television programs and books, persuaded a large number of Americans to believe they have an 'inner child.' People now literally talk to their inner child, comfort it, give it a name and personality, defend its right to exist, and find ways to get to know it better. There is no inner child--it is simply a metaphor! But to millions its existence is now a 'fact' and dictates their way of life. That is a very effective use of suggestion.”
"The 'recovery movement' consistently falls back on the claim that it does not encourage people to blame their parents for their problems. Rather, John Bradshaw says, he wants them to be held 'accountable.' While Bradshaw may be able to differentiate between 'blame' and 'accountability,' a great many Americans are not quite so discriminating. They blame their parents relentlessly, and who can blame them, when leaders like Bradshaw suggest that they recover, in vivid detail, episode after episode of childhood experiences that reflect family dysfunction and parental neglect or abuse? He offers the parents that parents are really not the target of the anger or rage that accompanies all these memories he cultivates while he encourages followers to view them through the lens of victimhood. It is much like telling a child about the dangers of smoking and admonishing him not to smoke while you are puffing away. 'Do as I say, not as I do' has never been an effective strategy for shaping desirable behavior. Bradshaw's steady fanning of the flames of anger and resentment as a necessary path to eventual acceptance of things that happened and a greater sense of personal responsibility (which he claims are his goals) sends a very mixed message."
– These two quotes really resonated with my thoughts. Can't say it better than the pros.
After reading some other self-help books and this one, I really feel that their authors go against common sense in one thing: trying to blame everything bad on your parents. They say that saying anything against parents is a taboo, and blame society for keeping it. When you start making claims like this, you know you are going too far. And yet they continue, like they are drunk, to develop conspiracy theories and stuff. "Oh, you don't remember because this memory has been suppressed by your consciousness for too long". Very scientific.
Anyway, if you have a desire to flip through the book like picking individual flakes from your bowl of cereal, go ahead. There are some good thoughts in it, but don't forget that at some point of the book, a tin foil cap will be required.
This work, as noted by some other people, is really a mix of many theories. I could digest the first part of the book, trying to not pay much attention to the author's hypocrisy.
But the healing part is just some home remedy and cult-like level stuff. I simply don't think imagining yourself as a child, and talking to him, actually does you any good except making you feel like you are going crazy. I didn't even want to read the spirituality part. I think the author should go and write his stories about a higher being elsewhere.
Bradshaw constantly puts down people who "struggle for power", like priests and teachers, and that's EXACTLY what he's doing in this book: trying to take a position of power to teach people what's right and wrong. But every time I see his face, I just see an alcoholic and a hypocrite. I think before going to heal people with your miraculous technics, you should heal yourself first.
Finally, I really felt like googling "John Bradshaw criticism". Here are some quotes by actual psychologists I found:
"Consider the abuse guru John Bradshaw who, through a series of television programs and books, persuaded a large number of Americans to believe they have an 'inner child.' People now literally talk to their inner child, comfort it, give it a name and personality, defend its right to exist, and find ways to get to know it better. There is no inner child--it is simply a metaphor! But to millions its existence is now a 'fact' and dictates their way of life. That is a very effective use of suggestion.”
"The 'recovery movement' consistently falls back on the claim that it does not encourage people to blame their parents for their problems. Rather, John Bradshaw says, he wants them to be held 'accountable.' While Bradshaw may be able to differentiate between 'blame' and 'accountability,' a great many Americans are not quite so discriminating. They blame their parents relentlessly, and who can blame them, when leaders like Bradshaw suggest that they recover, in vivid detail, episode after episode of childhood experiences that reflect family dysfunction and parental neglect or abuse? He offers the parents that parents are really not the target of the anger or rage that accompanies all these memories he cultivates while he encourages followers to view them through the lens of victimhood. It is much like telling a child about the dangers of smoking and admonishing him not to smoke while you are puffing away. 'Do as I say, not as I do' has never been an effective strategy for shaping desirable behavior. Bradshaw's steady fanning of the flames of anger and resentment as a necessary path to eventual acceptance of things that happened and a greater sense of personal responsibility (which he claims are his goals) sends a very mixed message."
– These two quotes really resonated with my thoughts. Can't say it better than the pros.
After reading some other self-help books and this one, I really feel that their authors go against common sense in one thing: trying to blame everything bad on your parents. They say that saying anything against parents is a taboo, and blame society for keeping it. When you start making claims like this, you know you are going too far. And yet they continue, like they are drunk, to develop conspiracy theories and stuff. "Oh, you don't remember because this memory has been suppressed by your consciousness for too long". Very scientific.
Anyway, if you have a desire to flip through the book like picking individual flakes from your bowl of cereal, go ahead. There are some good thoughts in it, but don't forget that at some point of the book, a tin foil cap will be required.
May 13, 2022
Some really good stuff on (bad, “toxic”) shame, but I was definitely not the audience for this book. The author distinguishes between good and bad shame, where the bad kind is the kind we usually mean nowadays, while “healthy” shame is something like a combination of awe of God/Higher Power and humility that protects against perfectionism. I think you need to be religious or spiritual, and also maybe in a 12-step program, to truly appreciate his thoughts on healthy shame. As a non-believer, I couldn’t really follow that part, so I definitely can’t recommend this one. (Also, I just saw that his PhD is in something called “spiritual psychology,” which may have prevented me from reading this book at all, had I known ahead of time. Just not my flavor.)
September 20, 2024
★3.88 stars★
these are some great concepts and i definitely have a few insights to bring to my therapist but the author started to tilt into overly repetitive and over-generalizing.
a psychologist who claims they have found the theory to answer all questions should immediately have their licensed revoked because any real psychologist knows that there isn't just one theory to rule them all... well, john bradshaw might not know that.
anyway, nice theory. really repetitive. this book is worth the read but I DNF-ed at 60% and felt like I was still able to glean what I needed from it
these are some great concepts and i definitely have a few insights to bring to my therapist but the author started to tilt into overly repetitive and over-generalizing.
a psychologist who claims they have found the theory to answer all questions should immediately have their licensed revoked because any real psychologist knows that there isn't just one theory to rule them all... well, john bradshaw might not know that.
anyway, nice theory. really repetitive. this book is worth the read but I DNF-ed at 60% and felt like I was still able to glean what I needed from it
April 6, 2023
This book talks at length about ‘toxic shame’, but what it’s fumbling towards is a basic understanding of cPTSD as a result of childhood trauma. It was written in 1988, at a time when these things were barely understood, so this book represents an early attempt to make sense of the effects of cPTSD on victims’ lives. Unfortunately, it doesn’t manage to get there and ends up feeling vague, overlong and rather repetitive.
I was also put off by the constant linking of shame with sex and sexuality. As another reviewer of the book suggests, it’s as if the author has a shame kink. Add to this, the repeated linking of shame and spirituality - especially Christianity. This includes a chapter on the 12 step programme for addicts to help them connect with a ‘higher power’. It also references some now discredited brain science, such as left/right brain theory.
I appreciate this is an early book on shame/trauma and it may well have been a stepping stone in the current understanding of cPTSD - I’ve seen several authors of more recent works on childhood trauma credit or recommend this book - but overall, I found it dated, unfocused, and not on my wavelength.
I was also put off by the constant linking of shame with sex and sexuality. As another reviewer of the book suggests, it’s as if the author has a shame kink. Add to this, the repeated linking of shame and spirituality - especially Christianity. This includes a chapter on the 12 step programme for addicts to help them connect with a ‘higher power’. It also references some now discredited brain science, such as left/right brain theory.
I appreciate this is an early book on shame/trauma and it may well have been a stepping stone in the current understanding of cPTSD - I’ve seen several authors of more recent works on childhood trauma credit or recommend this book - but overall, I found it dated, unfocused, and not on my wavelength.
June 23, 2010
A MUST READ to understand the shame-based thinking that runs the psyche, not just for those dealing with addictions or compulsive behavior, but those who are still living with wounds from dysfunctional origin families... What lies beneath the symptoms of destructive behaviors, eating disorders, compulsions, addictions, abuse, control or co-dependence issues, and other self-defeating or self-limiting behaviors stems from the shame based thinking and beliefs we learned from the families we grew up in. Of course there is often much more to it than just that, but getting to the negative beliefs we adopted early on in our lives, and beginning to reprogram with healthy beliefs that support us, can be one of the most important steps in moving towards healing, and recovery.
This book is amazing, and after reading this book, I have seen time and time again how Bradshaw's work has influenced and shaped the work of so many others since his publication.
This book is amazing, and after reading this book, I have seen time and time again how Bradshaw's work has influenced and shaped the work of so many others since his publication.
July 6, 2019
I read this for my counselling course and am so glad I did. Apart from the religious references (and the ironic shaming of atheists, which only happened once near the beginning), I found it absolutely fascinating. It explains the difference between healthy and toxic shame, where toxic shame comes from, how it is multi-generational and so passes down the line until someone breaks the cycle, and how your family relationships and assigned role within your family-of-origin impacts your development and emotional health as an adult. It was a very difficult read from an emotional perspective, but I can honestly say it has transformed my outlook on life, other people and myself. I couldn't recommend it more if you are planning on working theraputically or if you believe you may be a shamed based person.
December 21, 2011
A hot mess of influences from attachment theory, psychodynamic theory, addiction literature, trauma, etc. Bradshaw definitely appropriates a lot, but I was okay with it, and the 'self-help' tone was not unbearable. I appreciated his observations of toxic shame and how it grows out of dysfunctional family dynamics. My favorite chapters were "Liberating your lost inner child" and "Integrating your disowned parts." The former had a guided imagery mediation/exercise that I used with a client successfully... in it, you go back to your childhood home visit with your child-self say a few words (from future self to child self), say goodbye to parents, take in the love of your friends, resurface... It was evocative and powerful in session.
September 14, 2018
I read most of this book and scanned quickly the unbearable parts of it. It was recommended by someone who found great worth in the book. I do believe this book would be very helpful to those who carry shame from their youth because of any of several reasons. The author is a noted psychologist and has experience many of the troubles he describes and knows how to best help those who need it. To be honest, I just couldn't relate to these things, although I recognize that many people would and need to read this. I guess it's a difference between sympathy and empathy.
May 9, 2019
A book of two halves. The first half made sense, the last part (the one with mediation exercises and such) was lost in me entirely. The book has a few valid ideas to begin with but as a whole is quite average, particularly if you are of a secular mindset.
December 26, 2023
After reading Pete Walker's 2013 nonfiction book, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," in the summer of 2023, I immediately sought out more books on the subject, and began reading John Bradshaw's 1988 nonfiction book, "Healing the Shame That Binds You."
The text of this book is a lot darker, and made for much more difficult reading. It took me almost six months to finish reading this book.
While I did find "Healing the Shame That Binds You" an educational and rewarding book to read, the content was so difficult and triggering for me that I'd recommend it only with caution. I had to put this book down for weeks at a time. It was very slow going, and I found myself dreading the content whenever I would pick it back up.
I think Bradshaw's book might be better read while a person is in therapy, especially if they are engaged in group therapy for CPTSD. Just reading this book on my own felt super painful and was not a great experience for me. I could tell that if I'd had someone informed about this subject to process the book with, it would've been a very different experience.
I just don't have access to any CPTSD-trained therapy or group therapy at this time, and from what I understand, given what people have shared online in the past few months, it's really difficult to find any therapists who are trained in CPTSD. Just slapping the words 'trauma-informed' on a website is not sufficient. Thanks to YouTubers like Patrick Teahan, Daniel Mackler, Anna Runkle, and Heidi Priebe, I feel a lot more aware of just how very difficult it is to get professional help treating CPTSD.
I certainly do not regret reading Bradshaw's book, and I'm glad I own an e-copy of it, and can go back and reread it whenever I like. I just want to be clear that I found the content to be so heavy and difficult that it often caused physical and mental pain to read it.
Recommended, with the above caveat. Five stars.
The text of this book is a lot darker, and made for much more difficult reading. It took me almost six months to finish reading this book.
While I did find "Healing the Shame That Binds You" an educational and rewarding book to read, the content was so difficult and triggering for me that I'd recommend it only with caution. I had to put this book down for weeks at a time. It was very slow going, and I found myself dreading the content whenever I would pick it back up.
I think Bradshaw's book might be better read while a person is in therapy, especially if they are engaged in group therapy for CPTSD. Just reading this book on my own felt super painful and was not a great experience for me. I could tell that if I'd had someone informed about this subject to process the book with, it would've been a very different experience.
I just don't have access to any CPTSD-trained therapy or group therapy at this time, and from what I understand, given what people have shared online in the past few months, it's really difficult to find any therapists who are trained in CPTSD. Just slapping the words 'trauma-informed' on a website is not sufficient. Thanks to YouTubers like Patrick Teahan, Daniel Mackler, Anna Runkle, and Heidi Priebe, I feel a lot more aware of just how very difficult it is to get professional help treating CPTSD.
I certainly do not regret reading Bradshaw's book, and I'm glad I own an e-copy of it, and can go back and reread it whenever I like. I just want to be clear that I found the content to be so heavy and difficult that it often caused physical and mental pain to read it.
Recommended, with the above caveat. Five stars.
November 27, 2011
Without a doubt a must read for anyone working a 12 step program. My only wish is that I had access to, and the willingness to read, this book before I began having children. This books reminds us that everyone is formed from not only our own actions but things that happens and is passed on from our parents. This book provides proof that you can not save another, before saving yourself. It offers resolution in anger between parents and I and the ability to see who they were and how much they loved me. Then John Bradshaw offers you ways to re-member who you are and return to a ONEness not thought possible.
reads-on-hold
August 5, 2009While a definite "must read" for me, this one is really difficult. I've been bound by shame for most of my life - the last couple of decades to an incredible degree. Sifting through all of that and learning to unravel those ties is a very slow and painful process. Bradshaw's book is an incredible tool for this journey.
I'm about 3/4 of the way through now. Some sections/pages are easier to read than others. I may need to add this one to my personal library. I can see needing to re-read or reference it in the future.
I'm about 3/4 of the way through now. Some sections/pages are easier to read than others. I may need to add this one to my personal library. I can see needing to re-read or reference it in the future.
December 3, 2008
This is the first book I have ever read based on self help and I am hitting myself over the head for not reading it sooner! What an eye-opener it has been and how quickly it has changed things about my life. The book has an excellent bibliography, one that I intend to use to the fullest extent. I am on the last chapter of this book and I have to return it to the library soon but I'm thinking of buying it because it is the most important book I have ever read in my life. I owe it all to my literary queens!!!!!!
January 9, 2016
Excellent book for understanding the nature of psychological problems, diagnosing their causes, and working towards resolving them.
June 19, 2019
Outstanding book on coping and healing from toxic shame.
March 11, 2021
This book will help you drop most of your heavy baggage 🧳 and continue your life’s journey with a light backpack 🎒
August 31, 2023
could‘ve very well done without all that God talk but
May 24, 2020
Mr.Bradshaw does a great job clarifying the purpose humans feel shame and how it can be useful. Hint...it’s only useful in very limited ways compared to how most folks allow it to rule their lives these days. He also does an excellent job helping with ways to free ones self from the toxic shame that is so prevalent in our world. This is a good read.
January 15, 2020
This review is of the 1988 edition. A thought-provoking read in which John Bradshaw introduces some valuable concepts and terminology. It is centrally concerned with one's relationship with themself, wherein lies the defining characteristics that can be healthy or toxic shame. In my religious parlance it is concerned with humility, what Bradshaw calls healthy shame:
Healthy shame is the psychoilogical foundation of humility. It is the source of spirituality. - p. vii
During the course of the book the author considers shame as the underpinnings to a host of issues from the interpersonal to the intensely, dismally personal; the suggestion might be that toxic shame is at the root of almost all psychological issues. He embraces and extends such established successes as 12-Step programs, though he also refers favorably to dubius programs like Neural Linguistic Programming (NLP) and a few other pop-psychology ideas that might have more of popularity than proof.
I particularly enjoyed the concluding chapters that focused on the role of shame in relationships. The book examines the means by which I can identify negative components of my previous marriage and confront those present in my marriages. What to me was the coup de grâce that I'd been waiting for to give this a stamp of approval to my spiritual sensibilities was the conclusion in which Bradshaw discusses service. Enacting service, he points out, is the inevitable result of becoming a fully realized individual, and for this reason is the concluding step of 12-step programs: upon balancing of the self, the desire is to share with and serve others in ways that can help them achieve the same. Had the book failed to conclude on this point I would likely have finished reading on a note of disappointment and skepticism. Instead, I can recommend this book generally to anyone interested in self-improvement, concepts of humility and self-confidence, and improving understanding of the struggles of themselves and others around them (especially understanding the addicted and the self-deprecating).
Healthy shame is the psychoilogical foundation of humility. It is the source of spirituality. - p. vii
During the course of the book the author considers shame as the underpinnings to a host of issues from the interpersonal to the intensely, dismally personal; the suggestion might be that toxic shame is at the root of almost all psychological issues. He embraces and extends such established successes as 12-Step programs, though he also refers favorably to dubius programs like Neural Linguistic Programming (NLP) and a few other pop-psychology ideas that might have more of popularity than proof.
I particularly enjoyed the concluding chapters that focused on the role of shame in relationships. The book examines the means by which I can identify negative components of my previous marriage and confront those present in my marriages. What to me was the coup de grâce that I'd been waiting for to give this a stamp of approval to my spiritual sensibilities was the conclusion in which Bradshaw discusses service. Enacting service, he points out, is the inevitable result of becoming a fully realized individual, and for this reason is the concluding step of 12-step programs: upon balancing of the self, the desire is to share with and serve others in ways that can help them achieve the same. Had the book failed to conclude on this point I would likely have finished reading on a note of disappointment and skepticism. Instead, I can recommend this book generally to anyone interested in self-improvement, concepts of humility and self-confidence, and improving understanding of the struggles of themselves and others around them (especially understanding the addicted and the self-deprecating).
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