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266 pages, Paperback
First published September 8, 2013

“You can’t marry another boy,” they told me. “Why not?” I asked, confused. “You said I could do anything. You said I could grow up to be President.” “You can’t marry another boy!” “But you said I’d grow up, and fall in love, and get married.” “You can’t fall in love with another boy!” They began to watch me closely.
“What’s wrong?” Willow finally asked me. “Why can’t boys kiss other boys?” I blurted, hoping for an answer I could understand. Willow knew everything—more than most grown-ups even. I waited anxiously for her answer. After thinking for a long time, she said, “I don’t know.”
I was twelve, and in seventh grade. He was the new kid. His name was Jose Calderon. He walked into fourth period music, smiled, and changed everything. Until that moment, I had believed their lies, had ignored my own truth. I would change they told me, just wait and see.
They were wrong, I decided; I would marry him. We would adopt children and a dog. We would buy a farmhouse in Connecticut, just like Lucy Ricardo’s house in Westport, and we’d raise chickens. You can’t fall in love with another boy, they’d told me. But I had! How could I not fall in love with the wonder of him? This time I was smart enough to tell no one.
"Don’t you know there is no me without you? I promised you once I would never leave you, not because I felt I couldn’t, but because I never want to be without you.” He spoke quietly, his voice a low rumble. “I don’t pray often, but when I do, I pray that I die five minutes after you so I’ll always be here to look after you but not have to live without you.”









“Time, they said, would fix me, and I’d feel as other boys felt”. “Time had passed and I was still…broken.”
"You gave me words.
You gave me your heart.
You gave me a family."
There’s got to be a morning after
If we can hold on through the night
We have a chance to find the sunshine…
~~~BR with my girls, Ele and Renee!~~~
"I had found my place in the world. Now I needed to find my voice, to raise it to be heard above the cacophony of conformity. I needed to shout: I am remade. I am unbroken. I needed to find my voice and use it to speak of my love for Jose and what he meant to me. I needed to tell our story—my story."
You can’t fall in love with another boy, they’d told me. But I had! How could I not fall in love with the wonder of him? This time I was smart enough to tell no one.
I was captivated by The Poseidon Adventure. To me it wasn’t about a ship sinking; it was about having the courage to forge your own path, even when everyone was telling you your path was the wrong one.
I was twelve, and in seventh grade. He was the new kid. His name was Jose Calderon. He walked into fourth period music, smiled, and changed everything. Until that moment, I had believed their lies, had ignored my own truth. I would change they told me, just wait and see.
"Don’t you know there is no me without you? I promised you once I would never leave you, not because I felt I couldn’t, but because I never want to be without you.” He spoke quietly, his voice a low rumble. “I don’t pray often, but when I do, I pray that I die five minutes after you so I’ll always be here to look after you but not have to live without you.”
"I needed to shout: I am remade. I am unbroken."
'Stop it with your hands, they said. They flutter like little birds. Boys' hands don't flutter like little birds, they said. They made me sit on my hands when I spoke. My hands stilled, my words failed. I grew quiet.'


“I thought about naming it Diary of an Antiman or just Antiman. Instead, I wrote “Me” in capital letters on the first page and underlined the word.”
“There’s got to be a morning after, if we can hold on through the night.”



