oh dear god. i will just have to come back and finish writing this review, but this was certainly a read made even more intense by the sheer amount of ideas and slander squished into a two week deadline. now that i've read it i can say i'm happy i have, but...would i recommend this for others? it's an indignant "...i don't know." should i know? or, if i was kierkegaard, i don't want you to suffer as i have because i also do not believe that you can. or whatever.
i have to speedrun this as i am quite literally in class preparing for the discussion, but the quote that I don't see myself ever forgetting is his, "Hang yourself or don't hang yourself, you'll regret it either way" (139). foul. this man needs help, but also within that it's probably me, the Reader, who needs it too.
i'm obsessed with how he starts out toward the beginning asking the question, "Naturally every man wants to be active in the world according to his aptitudes, but that again means in a definite direction, namely that best suited to his individuality. But what direction is that?" (29) it's just so universal. it's a little funny, it's a little ironic, but mostly because it's every question ever had ever. i'd say the entire journal here is drenched in these sorts of entries. "I am so lacklustre and joyless that not only have I nothing to fill my soul, I cannot even conceive of anything that could possibly satisfy it - alas, not even the bliss of heaven" (133) "I thought I would bear my suffering in concealment and then make life for others more beautiful" (588) "Most people these days are so spiritless, so deserted by graces, that the punishment simply isn't used on them. Lost in this life they cling to this life, out of nothing they become nothing, their life is a waste" (647)
all of his despair is made palatable through his othering of it. this detachment that then makes it possible to hold it closer, if that makes any sense at all. "In my melancholy I have still loved the world, for I loved my melancholy" (295). lines this this made my head hurt and his journal is filthy with it.
especially considering the time of writing, i can appreciate and enjoy how many musings of his concerned human beings and trying to articulate what this experience is. "Yet human beings forgive every crime except that of being what in their is to be inhuman - namely to be a human being" (311) lines like this are a paradox yet they make the most sense because of life's absurdity. at one point he states, "What unites all human beings is passion" (177) and with him having studied latin i wondered, multiple times throughout this, if he knew the word passion comes from the latin verb to suffer (though i will have to study danish more, this could be a conclusion from the void). he writes about suffering a lot. though, not all in vain, he has so many takes on humanity (as i assume we all do) that were refreshing to read. "imagination completes the human being" (241) he'd go light and then back down. "There are no longer human beings, thinkers, lovers, etc.; the human race is enveloped by the press in a miasma of thoughts, emotions, moods, even conclusions, intentions which are nobody's, which belong to none and yet to all" (355). i can't even get into his takes on humanity and religion right now. i really started seeing shapesm i had to put the book down. but here's an insane quote to lend as i talk about not talking about it: "To love God is then impossible without hating what is human" (606).
another thread is his overall haterism. it's pretty hilarious. i could write a whole goodreads post about the art of his hating. there's the whole part when he says "there is this new misunderstanding where people dare not laugh along with me because they are suspicious and unable to get it into their heads that in all this nonsense I might still have an eye for the comic" (346). i lol'ed....
he also goes, pretty early on, and repeats this later on 80, "his activity is like that of the man who contributes to the upkeep of the earth by the decomposition of his dead body" (30). the most some people will do is die?? it's comic but then i'll remember lines like "according to the one the task is to live, enjoy life, and put everything into that. The other view is: the meaning of life is to die " (611) (or love seonghwa) and i'd want to seriously cry and stare at the page for three hours (but we don't have three hours...when do i get to get to the point in life when we have three hours...)
then he'll turn around and rant how "Everyone takes his revenge in the world. My revenge consists in bearing my distress and anguish closed deeply within me while my laughter entertains everyone...If I can only keep this up until the day I die I shall have had my revenge" (110) which is not as funny. and then i'm sitting there like.... f word. a few others: "the minority is always stronger than the majority, because as a rule the minority is made up of those who actually have an opinion" (511) "when it comes to it, the most miserable thing of all is mediocrity, the deepest damnation is mediocrity - oh, any crime is far preferable to this self-satisfied, smiling, cheerful, blissful demoralization" (595)
and then there are the bangers:
"It is quite true what philosophy says: that life must be understood backwards. But then one forgets the other principle: that it must be lived forwards" (161)
"not cogito ergo sum, but I act ergo sum" (173)
"A beginning always has a double momentum: towards the past and towards the new; it pushes off in the direction of the old as much as it begins the new" (464)
so many times i paused and thought to myself, this man is crazy but not crazy in what he's saying, crazy in that he's saying it. there's truth in humor. there's truth in anger. in irony. in upset. here he is, simply writing it down. at one point he says "language is an abstraction" (447), but abstraction is abstraction. language is reflection of abstraction, a battle against it. a failure of it. i'm thinking of how all of this can't be meaningless after it's been said out loud. because it's been said out loud.
lastly, to end this review for now, i'll go back to the beginning when he says to the reader, "remember that it is uphill that we are struggling" (38). despite all the sorrow and heaviness and existential dread, there's this sense that we are always going somewhere. it is uphill that we are struggling. it doesn't matter if it is right or wrong or where you want to be or where you never could've imagined, we are all going forward and forward is up. forward is out. forward is escaping from yourself and back into yourself so you can be more. more what? well, isn't that what we are all figuring out.