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ToddlerCalm: A Guide for Calmer Toddlers & Happier Parents
Sarah Ockwell-Smith, founder of BabyCalm and ToddlerCalm, is passionate about 'gentle' parenting. Her mission is to let parents know that there are other ways to cope with a toddler apart from putting him or her on the naughty step or resorting to controlled crying. This book will fill a gap in the market, helping parents enjoy their toddlers, understand the limitations of current popular toddler parenting methods such as sticker charts and time out, and to have the confidence to ignore the current mainstream 'experts' and parent their own child with trust and empathy. Chapters include: Why toddlers are not mini-adults; the importance of night-time parenting; coping with a picky eater; communication - toddler style; avoiding difficult situations; the importance of unconditional love and why you don't need to be permissive to parent respectfully.
272 pages, Paperback
First published October 3, 2013
86 people are currently reading
666 people want to read
About the author
Sarah Ockwell-Smith
84 books227 followersBorn in Bedfordshire, England in 1976, Sarah Ockwell-Smith is a mother of four school aged children, three boys and one girl.
After graduating with an honors degree in Psychology, specialising in child development, she embarked on a five year career in Pharmaceutical Research and Development, working with clinical trial data, until she became pregnant with her first child in 2001. After the birth of her firstborn Sarah retrained as an Antenatal Teacher, hypnotherapist/Psychotherapist, Infant Massage Instructor and Birth and Postnatal Doula. Over the years Sarah has updated her knowledge with various study days and courses including paediatric first aid, paediatric safeguarding, perinatal psychology and birth trauma.
Sarah now works as a parenting author, writer and coach. With a particular interest in child sleep.
After graduating with an honors degree in Psychology, specialising in child development, she embarked on a five year career in Pharmaceutical Research and Development, working with clinical trial data, until she became pregnant with her first child in 2001. After the birth of her firstborn Sarah retrained as an Antenatal Teacher, hypnotherapist/Psychotherapist, Infant Massage Instructor and Birth and Postnatal Doula. Over the years Sarah has updated her knowledge with various study days and courses including paediatric first aid, paediatric safeguarding, perinatal psychology and birth trauma.
Sarah now works as a parenting author, writer and coach. With a particular interest in child sleep.
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
February 28, 2016
The ToddlerCalm framework is a useful way to remember some good tips for dealing with toddlers, but the book itself is so-so.
It starts with some background on how the toddler mind develops. Toddlers aren't mini-adults, and what we expect of adults just doesn't work with them. For example, toddlers don't really understand chains of reasoning, especially when they're upset. (To be fair, while we like to pretend otherwise, that's generally true of adults too.)
Based on other things I've read, this is a pretty good overview of toddler developmental, but it the presentation bugged me for two reasons. First, Ockwell-Smith falls into the common parenting book habit of being judgmental of certain parenting behaviors; more gently than other sources, but still disapproving. Second, her citations felt second hand. Instead of citing research psychologists, she tended to cite child experts and non-research psychologists. If this were a series of blog posts, I'd be fine with that. In a book, I expect better.
That said, Ockwell-Smith's attitude toward toddlers is consistently positive, respectful, and development oriented. Her model presents a concrete tips to steer between authoritarian and permissive parenting and instead aim for the authoritative style. When it comes to the concrete details of what she recommends, I find myself agreeing with most of it.
Key to her approach is to avoid one-size-fits-all solutions, and instead analyze the problems your child is having using the CRUCIAL framework.
C: Understand what control the toddler is trying to get; can they be given some control while still allowing your family to achieve their goals?
R: Know that your toddlers need a rhythm to their life. This doesn't mean a rigid schedule, but it call for familiar structures. Deviation from rhythm can cause behavior problems. Just as importantly, incorporating something into the daily rhythm can make new behaviors easier to incorporate.
U: It's worth taking the time to understand the real problem rather than assume the reasons for the child's behavior.
C: It's important to communicate with the child in a style they can understand. Get down on their level (literally and figuratively), don't use long chains of reasoning, relate things to what they understand.
I: Every toddler is an individual. Don't assume that what solved another child's problematic behavior will work for this child, but also don't assume something is wrong with your child just because they have some problem another child doesn't.
A: Take stock of your needs and your child's needs and avoid situations that tend to trigger bad behavior when they aren't critical. Don't let the social pressure of what you "should" do force you to do something that makes you and your children unhappy. The author gives the examples of skipping play date if your child is having a hard day and not feeling obliged to follow a schedule on things like weaning or potty training.
L: Always show your love for the child. In the stress of day-to-day life with a toddler, it can be easy to show anger and take the love for granted. Remembering how much you love your toddler when they're having a melt down can help you both.
Nothing earth shaking, but it's a nice mnemonic. I just wish that it'd been embedded in a book that didn't have so many small but annoying bits.
It starts with some background on how the toddler mind develops. Toddlers aren't mini-adults, and what we expect of adults just doesn't work with them. For example, toddlers don't really understand chains of reasoning, especially when they're upset. (To be fair, while we like to pretend otherwise, that's generally true of adults too.)
Based on other things I've read, this is a pretty good overview of toddler developmental, but it the presentation bugged me for two reasons. First, Ockwell-Smith falls into the common parenting book habit of being judgmental of certain parenting behaviors; more gently than other sources, but still disapproving. Second, her citations felt second hand. Instead of citing research psychologists, she tended to cite child experts and non-research psychologists. If this were a series of blog posts, I'd be fine with that. In a book, I expect better.
That said, Ockwell-Smith's attitude toward toddlers is consistently positive, respectful, and development oriented. Her model presents a concrete tips to steer between authoritarian and permissive parenting and instead aim for the authoritative style. When it comes to the concrete details of what she recommends, I find myself agreeing with most of it.
Key to her approach is to avoid one-size-fits-all solutions, and instead analyze the problems your child is having using the CRUCIAL framework.
C: Understand what control the toddler is trying to get; can they be given some control while still allowing your family to achieve their goals?
R: Know that your toddlers need a rhythm to their life. This doesn't mean a rigid schedule, but it call for familiar structures. Deviation from rhythm can cause behavior problems. Just as importantly, incorporating something into the daily rhythm can make new behaviors easier to incorporate.
U: It's worth taking the time to understand the real problem rather than assume the reasons for the child's behavior.
C: It's important to communicate with the child in a style they can understand. Get down on their level (literally and figuratively), don't use long chains of reasoning, relate things to what they understand.
I: Every toddler is an individual. Don't assume that what solved another child's problematic behavior will work for this child, but also don't assume something is wrong with your child just because they have some problem another child doesn't.
A: Take stock of your needs and your child's needs and avoid situations that tend to trigger bad behavior when they aren't critical. Don't let the social pressure of what you "should" do force you to do something that makes you and your children unhappy. The author gives the examples of skipping play date if your child is having a hard day and not feeling obliged to follow a schedule on things like weaning or potty training.
L: Always show your love for the child. In the stress of day-to-day life with a toddler, it can be easy to show anger and take the love for granted. Remembering how much you love your toddler when they're having a melt down can help you both.
Nothing earth shaking, but it's a nice mnemonic. I just wish that it'd been embedded in a book that didn't have so many small but annoying bits.
September 25, 2014
Super helpful for those who instinctively feel time outs and controlled crying and other nanny techniques are wrong for their child. I liked reading my thoughts echoed in a coherent professional way and found it a supportive read.
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May 1, 2022I found the author aligned with my parenting style so I bought this book secondhand and was somewhat amused and surprised to read in the introduction, on pages 4 and 5:
So it is somewhat ironic that I have also bought and read the following books by Sarah Ockwell-Smith:
The Gentle Potty Training Book: The calmer, easier approach to toilet training
The Gentle Sleep Book: A Guide for Calm Babies, Toddlers and Pre-schoolers
The Starting School Book: How to choose, prepare for and settle your child at school
The Second Baby Book: How to cope with pregnancy number two and create a happy home for your firstborn and new arrival
The Gentle Parenting Book: How to raise calmer, happier children from birth to seven
The Gentle Discipline Book: How to raise co-operative, polite and helpful children
I do not want to be like all of the other parenting experts: I have accepted now that people will call me a 'parenting expert' although it is a term I will never be comfortable with. My aim for this book is to produce something that will empower you, a book that will contain everything you need in order to be a confident parent who can tackle any situation your toddler might throw at you (sometimes literally). I don't want to write a toddler sleep book, a toddler eating book, a toddler behaviour book, a toddler potty training book, a toddler and new sibling book, a toddler twins book and so on, although I admit the thought of stacking up the royalties is quite appealing. You see, if I did write an entire toddler related series I really wouldn't be empowering you. Quite simply I hope that this book will be the only one that you need to read, giving you all the tools to parent confidently throughout the first five years of your child's life and sometimes beyond.
So it is somewhat ironic that I have also bought and read the following books by Sarah Ockwell-Smith:
The Gentle Potty Training Book: The calmer, easier approach to toilet training
The Gentle Sleep Book: A Guide for Calm Babies, Toddlers and Pre-schoolers
The Starting School Book: How to choose, prepare for and settle your child at school
The Second Baby Book: How to cope with pregnancy number two and create a happy home for your firstborn and new arrival
The Gentle Parenting Book: How to raise calmer, happier children from birth to seven
The Gentle Discipline Book: How to raise co-operative, polite and helpful children
March 15, 2019
Meh. This book is mostly fine, but I feel like it is written for strict, image-conscious parents, and I couldn’t relate to a lot of it.
There wasn’t much that was new for me and the section on sleep was so infuriating I nearly stopped reading altogether - suggesting that parents get distressed about their toddlers not sleeping because they’re worried about their toddler and hence providing advice to resolve that worry-problem, when really the problem is that extreme chronic sleep deprivation makes it impossible to parent or work effectively, makes us miserable, and drives us insane. There is also some attempt to make the content relevant for parents who have jobs working for someone else (not a fulltime parent or self-employed), but not a strong understanding of the actual experience.
There’s nothing terribly wrong with ToddlerCalm but I found Dan Seigel’s books on parenting and parts of Robin Barker’s “The Mighty Toddler” more relevant and useful.
There wasn’t much that was new for me and the section on sleep was so infuriating I nearly stopped reading altogether - suggesting that parents get distressed about their toddlers not sleeping because they’re worried about their toddler and hence providing advice to resolve that worry-problem, when really the problem is that extreme chronic sleep deprivation makes it impossible to parent or work effectively, makes us miserable, and drives us insane. There is also some attempt to make the content relevant for parents who have jobs working for someone else (not a fulltime parent or self-employed), but not a strong understanding of the actual experience.
There’s nothing terribly wrong with ToddlerCalm but I found Dan Seigel’s books on parenting and parts of Robin Barker’s “The Mighty Toddler” more relevant and useful.
October 16, 2023
Wah saya suka buku ini. Meski lucunya karena buku ini adalah buku-buku awal dari penulis, ada beberapa yang berubah, seperti setelahnya penulis juga membuat buku-buku dengan tema yang lebih spesifik, seperti makan, toilet, tidur, dll. Seperti biasa, dari penulis menjelaskan dengan gamblang kerangka pikirnya yang membuat saya terkesan. Mudah bagi saya merangkum apa yang beliau sampaikan dalam karena bisa disimpulkan dalam satu kata: CRUCIAL.
Buku ini penting untuk dibaca bagi orang tua yang bingung bagaimana menghadapi anak balita. Sangat mungkin orang tua terkaget-kaget tadinya bayi terbatas melakukan apapun, tiba-tiba menjadi balita dengan semangat eksplorasi akan dunia.
Buku ini penting untuk dibaca bagi orang tua yang bingung bagaimana menghadapi anak balita. Sangat mungkin orang tua terkaget-kaget tadinya bayi terbatas melakukan apapun, tiba-tiba menjadi balita dengan semangat eksplorasi akan dunia.
August 11, 2022
Some useful tips and hints, and a parenting philosophy that largely already coincided with my own, so it was reassuring to read that many of things I'm already doing are useful and appropriate. The emphasis on how a toddler's brain is developing and that they just don't experience the world quite as we do was great to read and I wish more people (parents and non-parents) would take note of this.
December 30, 2019
Another great book from Sarah! If I could only choose one of her books to read for my toddler, this one would be it! So grateful for her work and research as it’s helping me to hone in on becoming the mom I want to be!
August 9, 2017
Great book which offers lots of examples to better support our toddlers behaviour.
May 31, 2018
This is one of a few parenting books that I’ve enjoyed reading and that speaks to our approach. It has some interesting ideas and techniques we’ll be employing and I hope will be useful.
June 10, 2018
Research ;-)
June 16, 2018
Love her books. Really helped me take a breath and see my son rather than expectations.
August 24, 2018
Every parent of a toddler or baby should read this book. Great explanations of normal toddler behaviour and explanations of how to deal with it.
August 6, 2020
If you have kids then read it.
December 8, 2020
Amazing, I learnt such from this book. I feel calmer and ready for the adventures of my toddler. Would totally recommend for any parent!!
March 18, 2021
Great gentle parenting guide. Some good tips to help navigate the toddler years while parenting respectfully.
June 13, 2021
This was fine, but rather repetitive and I don’t feel I learnt much from it that I don’t already know from following SOS and similar gentle parents on social media.
October 13, 2023
Interesting points, good tips on how to deal with tricky toddlers
January 27, 2016
The most helpful part of this book was a metaphor that the author used that completely re-shaped the way I understand my son's "tantruming" - she said that, because a toddler's neocortex is not fully developed, the toddler brain is different than the adult brain in that an adult brain is like a two-story house - when we feel a powerful emotion (or combination of emotions), those feelings disperse throughout the spacious house and don't overcome us as a result; the toddler's brain is more like a "bungalow" so powerful emotions have nowhere to go, and they quickly overwhelm the toddler, which results in tantrums.
As a result, she advocates being there while a toddler tantrums, waiting patiently by until the toddler requests to be held or hugged or otherwise comforted. Given the scary and overwhelming emotional experience that he just endured, that advice makes a lot of sense. Because she explains that toddler brains aren't yet capable of complex cause-and-effect logic, "time outs" and other "logical" punishments aren't terribly effective. She invites readers to be firm in setting boundaries, endure the tantrums that result, provide security/support/understanding in the aftermath ("I know you're feeling frustrated that you can't have another cookie. That must be hard."), and move on. So far, the approach has yielded more peace in our house, and I've felt more deliberate about my approach, which has helped me to feel less overwhelmed myself, so I'm on board.
As a result, she advocates being there while a toddler tantrums, waiting patiently by until the toddler requests to be held or hugged or otherwise comforted. Given the scary and overwhelming emotional experience that he just endured, that advice makes a lot of sense. Because she explains that toddler brains aren't yet capable of complex cause-and-effect logic, "time outs" and other "logical" punishments aren't terribly effective. She invites readers to be firm in setting boundaries, endure the tantrums that result, provide security/support/understanding in the aftermath ("I know you're feeling frustrated that you can't have another cookie. That must be hard."), and move on. So far, the approach has yielded more peace in our house, and I've felt more deliberate about my approach, which has helped me to feel less overwhelmed myself, so I'm on board.
January 3, 2014
This is a really interesting read with lots of science to back up the methods described. If the 'naughty step' and reward charts aren't working out for your family, but you're still a bit scared of your toddler growing up like a tiny savage, this book is definitely worth a go. Often when I read parenting books I come away feeling a bit sad and discouraged but this one made me feel like I can do it, and that my child is normal.
September 22, 2016
Another great book following on from the gentle sleep book which I recommend to any new parent. This little book is a gem and really helped me understand my toddlers emotions, why they get so frustrated and how to deal with any outbursts, with compassion and understanding. It breaks my heart to think of some of the outdated methods of managing toddlers behaviour, that is still advised to this day and hope many more parents get the opportunity to find this book make its way to their book shelf.
November 1, 2013
Won this in a Goodreads offer, thank you. A very interesting read, for parents with intelligence, patience and determination. The theories are so obviously right but I think there's a long way to go till this sort of parenting becomes the norm in the West - though it echoes a lot of what I've seen in Asian communities.
The editing lets it down in places, though.
The editing lets it down in places, though.
July 6, 2015
Some good common sense stuff, but way too much wiffling, dissing of others, criticising others' dogma then launching into her own, selling of own trademarked workshops, and not really fleshing out own techniques.
April 26, 2017
A good entry level book but there are much better ones out there. I'd recommend Elevating Childcare, How to talk to kids so they listen & listen so they talk, and Positive Discipline: the first three years as better books.
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews