Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck

by Amy Alkon

We live in a world that's very different from the one in which Emily Post came of age. Many of us who are nice (but who also sometimes say "f*ck") are frequently at a loss for guidelines about how to be a good person who deals effectively with the increasing onslaught of rudeness we all encounter.
To lead us out of the miasma of modern mannerlessness, science-based and bitingly funny syndicated advice columnist Amy Alkon rips the doily off the manners genre and gives us a new set of rules for our twenty-first century lives.
With wit, style, and a dash of snark, Alkon explains that we now live in societies too big for our brains, lacking the constraints on bad behavior that we had in the small bands we evolved in. Alkon shows us how we can reimpose those constraints, how we can avoid being one of the rude, and how to stand up to those who are.
Forgoing prissy advice on which utensil to use, Alkon answers the twenty-first century's most burning questions about manners, including:

* Why do many people, especially those under forty, now find spontaneous phone calls rude?
* What can you tape to your mailbox to stop dog walkers from letting their pooch violate your lawn?
* How do you shut up the guy in the pharmacy line with his cellphone on speaker?
* What small gift to your new neighbors might make them think twice about playing Metallica at 3 a.m.?

Combining science with more than a touch of humor, Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck is destined to give good old Emily a shove off the etiquette shelf (if that's not too rude to say).

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Personal Development, Reference

304 pages, Paperback

First published June 3, 2014

About the author

Amy Alkon is an independent investigative science writer specializing in “applied science”—using scientific evidence to solve real-world problems.
​​
Alkon critically evaluates and synthesizes research across disciplines and then translates it into everyday language, empowering regular people to make scientifically informed decisions for the best of their health and well-being.

For 25 years, Alkon wrote an award-winning, science-based nationally syndicated advice column, distributed by Creators. With GOING MENOPOSTAL, Alkon has authored five books—most recently, her “science-help” book UNF*CKOLOGY: How to Live with Guts and Confidence (St. Martin’s Press, 2018).

Alkon is the past President of the Applied Evolutionary Psychology Society, which brings evolutionary science to public policy, education, and medicine. She has given invited talks to academics on applied science at scientific conferences and to large groups at universities. She has given two TED talks, and the Los Angeles City Attorney’s Office hires Alkon, a State of California-certified mediator, to do behavioral science-based dispute resolution talks and training videos.

Alkon has been profiled in publications including The New York Times, TIME, The Washington Post, The Independent/UK, and Macleans. Alkon has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, including Good Morning America, Today, NPR, CNN, Nightline, Anderson Cooper Live, and Canada’s The Agenda with Steve Paikin. Podcasters who've featured her include Joe Rogan, Michael Shermer, Adam Carolla, Robert Wright, and Scott Barry Kaufman.

Alkon lives in Venice, California. Follow Amy Alkon on X: @amyalkon

Reviews

[Diane · Rating 1 out of 5]

Skimming this, and I'm sorry, but the advice for women getting unwanted attention is WRONG - no one should have to "call up a little empathy for a guy who's trying to chat you up" (130). A woman who is engrossed in her book, with or without headphones in, clearly doesn't want to be bothered, and no man is ENTITLED to talk to her. Having been stalked several times, this is terrible advice, because it just encourages bad behavior, and makes them think there is a relationship there. Clearly stating you want to be left alone should mean you get to be left alone.

Several male coworkers are also appalled at the bad advice.

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

After using every tactic in our arsenal to solve the problem of 6-8 piles of dog excrement that dotted our manicured front lawn like landmines, greeting my husband and I each morning when we opened the front door, I purchased this book. Now then; I have a background in psychology and philosophy...I am armed with the ivory-tower basics of people and behavior. When I say every tactic, I mean from numerous "psychotherapeutic approaches that addressed dysfunctional emotions, maladaptive behaviors and cognitive processes and contents through a number of goal-oriented, explicit systematic procedures," to: calling the city, animal control, stuffing mailboxes with fliers quoting the city ordinances regarding *responsible pet ownership*, posting a sign in the middle of our yard (with attached plastic bags) imploring neighbors "PLEASE clean up after your dog!" (or horse?) emblazoned with a lovely picture of a dog squatting in the middle of a red circle-backslash, and even doing night recon in sleeping bags with our old lame bulldog on alert, an airsoft gun and a spotlight. By the time I had to resort to posting a sign pleading with people to pick up their pet's poop from our lawn,[$18.99 on Google] we'd already nicely had the F-bomb blitzkrieg behind closed doors, and were at the point of standing in our flower beds screaming like crazy people at any one that even crossed the front perimeter of our property, including children on tricycles. Having to clean up after a pack of assorted sized dogs with assorted diets every effing morning will do that to you -- even you gentle folk that think the F-bomb is the ultimate no-no spewed only from those heathens with mouths like a sewer pipe. Did I find herein an answer? Yes and no; but I definitely laughed, learned a little, and lowered my blood pressure.

Alkon, who writes a syndicated advice column that "drags people, kicking, screaming, and laughing, out of their misery with her behavioral science-based advice column, which runs in about 100 newspapers"[Miami New Times], actually offers some really good advice dealing with the tangles we get into living and working with those occasionally ill-mannered people whom we still have to see and interact with every day. It is a fine art facing an offender in denial if you don't have any desire to surround your property with an electrical razor wire fence, find a new job, or change churches after flipping the middle finger to a driver that cuts you off, only to realize later it was your Pastor. The problems she tackles head-on include those not even on the horizon until the advent of electronics and social media (including how to re-act when you receive a text accompanied by a picture of an acquaintance's "zipperwurst"), and ever-growing neighborhoods and workplaces larger than whole communities were just decades ago. It's hilariously funny, but not just a stage for Alkon's acerbic wit. The comedic relief is balanced with logical advice and some constructive ideas as well. When responding to a friend's revelation of being diagnosed with cancer, she suggests setting up a fund-raiser, or a *help sign-up list* with other friends that want to show their support. She suggests keeping an eye out for your neighbors, noticing any skeezy characters lurking about and notifying residents; delivering a plateful of cookies with the request for a lower volume on the late night parties; and she includes the correct procedures when things proceed beyond complimentary cuttings from your flower garden. She is a rare mix of blunt and courteous, entertaining, thoughtful, clever, and grounded. By demonstrating the power of treating others how you would like to be treated yourself, she empowers the reader to throw their shoulders back and stand firmly in their quest for courtesy when dealing with the discourteous, boorish, rude, impolite, inconsiderate, insolent, a-holes that don't give a F*CK...the ones whom actually need this book...the ones that throw your volleyball back over the fence, deflated.

Like she says, you can be aggressive without being hostile. It behooves us not born of wolves, the un-feral amongst us, to uphold the standards of civility. I don't want to stand out in my yard giving passer-by's the stink-eye, or hurling words my grandmother said, "only make you look unintelligent;" but neither do I want to keep a garbage can full of stinky dog poop in my garage until garbage day. After reading, I won't be holding my breath until I hear... "we're so sorry our Great Dane has been using your lawn as his toilet!" And I'm not happy with the thought that the only way to really catch the offending ninja dogs and their owners is to install night vision cameras around our house. But, I do feel fortified with the might of right, the responsibility to live with civility and dignity, and the duty to enforce, with thoughtfulness, good manners. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Alkon tells you how to begin that quest...and does it with terrific style, insight, and humor.

So, I've put a lot of thought into this: next time someone is on a nightly doggy-potty-walk, and their Chihuahua is blasted into the path of an on-coming car when it is surprise attacked by a stream of paintballs mid-poop on our lawn...I'll kindly offer them one of the old leashes we have hanging around, and a lifetime supply of plastic bags with my condolences, and a copy of Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F ck.

[Laura (Kyahgirl) · Rating 1 out of 5]

1/5; 1 star; DNF

I know there are people who get outraged at a review for a book that was abandoned but I really do want to comment on this book. There were some really goods points.
First, the narrator, Carrington MacDuffie, was great. I've never listened to her before. Her voice reminds me of a famous Canadian singer, Anne Murray, who has an awesome speaking voice, so that was a bonus.
A point the author made several times, that I can get behind, is that the Internet is not a fearsome dangerous place to be avoided. It can be a fabulous tool for communication and connection, you just have to use some sense when using it. Give some thought to your boundaries and behave accordingly. Great advice. Some of her advice about cell phone use and cell phone 'culture' was interesting and thought provoking. I can't agree with her supposition though that actually phoning someone instead of texting or emailing is rude and intrusive.

Lastly, some of the humour was delightful and I had a few chuckles.


Unfortunately, I decided to DNF the book after about 3 hours for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, the author was incredibly inconsistent. On one hand, she says several times 'if you don't know what to do, behave with kindness and an attitude of inclusiveness'. Then in several parts of the books she describes handling things in a way that are anything but kind...web shaming, stalking wrongdoers, and telling an awful lot of 'white lies'. She also is a proponent of blowing someone off in a written note because that is a lot 'kinder' than talking to the them face to face. Maybe its because this advice goes against everything I've worked so hard to learn about communication and relationships. If you don't have the skills to have a difficult conversation face to face with someone, learn them, don't resort to notes.

There were a lot of other things that rubbed me the wrong way so I let it go.

I sound pretty negative about the author but in reality, she is probably a decent person who I would like in real life. It is clear that she tries to be a kind, civil person, but the behaviour she advocates just gets in the way.

There are so many more interesting non fiction and self help books on my TBR, I think I will just get to them a bit faster and leave this one behind.

[Leigh · Rating 1 out of 5]

Okay, I would be lying if I said this book did not help me, though it probably didn't help in the way the author intended. I picked it up as an Audible Deal of the Day in the spirit of new year's reinvention, and because I love the title. My boyfriend is terrified that one day my vigilante subway/pedestrian justice crusade will get me knifed...or at least punched in the face. Well, thank you, Amy Alkon for holding up a mirror to my bad behavior. Seeing (listening to) someone else succumb to a complete loss of reason — and go much further to attain "justice" than I ever would (I just yell in passing) — when faced with rudeness (the author advocates tracking down addresses to write letters, posting photos online, and using social media to publicly shame people), I now understand that combatting bad behavior in kind is not only toxic, but cyclical. No one learns a lesson; they just continue acting badly and then think she's (I'm) crazy.

I would give two stars for the clever, funny-at-times writing, but the sexist, dangerous advice to women regarding sexual harassment (not to mention the entire dating section) screams "zero stars!" Alkon advocates public shaming of inappropriate/rude behavior EXCEPT when men hit on women on the subway or the street. In those cases, women owe men kind and polite explanations ("lie if you have to!") for rebuffing unsolicited and unwanted advances, lest men (presumably grown, adults who have jobs and bosses and otherwise function in this world) get their feelings hurt. My advice: Dudes, let women ride the subway and walk down the street without comment. That's not how you meet women, and you know it. Amy Alkon knows it. We all know it.

[Yukari Watanabe · Rating 1 out of 5]

I liked the title of the book and I was looking forward to reading it. But, I was very disappointed.

I don't find this book funny or witty at all. Alkon seems to be a very angry person who is easily get upset about any small things. The best way to deal with the issues Alkon talks about in this book is you just don't let things upset you. Many of the things she talks about are small things.

Also, Alkon's advices, especially about using social media, are terrible. You should never, never do what she advices you to do. You don't need to go after someone every time you get upset. You don't need to start a war. You have to ask yourself "Is it really so important?", if the answer is "No.", then let it go.

I don't usually give one star, but I feel I should warn potential readers.

[Jamie Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t know who came up with the title for this book, whether it was the author, her agent, or the publisher, but it was a brilliant choice. I never read books on etiquette and manners, but this one stopped me in my tracks based on the title alone, and since I was looking for something light to read after an excursion into the phenomenology of consciousness, this looked like it would be fun. It was fun, and the author’s humorous approach gives the book a light, breezy feeling, while providing genuinely useful information on how to navigate the rough spots in our dealings with other people.

There are chapters on handling social situations such as parties, on communicating with others clearly, using the telephone, the internet, dating, how to apologize, and more. The basic approach to criticism is to avoid direct aggression unless it is your intention to shame someone publicly, when their bad behavior does not respond to polite suggestions. In most cases you can avoid antagonizing them by playing dumb. Both you and your neighbor know perfectly well that their yappy little fleabag barks all night, but you can avoid making the owner defensive by starting off with something like, “You might not be aware of this, but….” Also, you can pad your account with some fictional details which can evoke their sympathy, since they are more likely to comply if they are sympathetic toward you. So, “You might not be aware of this, but your darling little Chewy sometimes barks all night. My daughter has a medical condition that makes her a very light sleeper, and every time she gets woken up it takes her forever to get back to sleep. Could you perhaps bring your cuddly little angel inside at night?” You can still call them inconsiderate jerks, but use your quiet voice.

The chapters on what to say during a police stop, and how to comfort a friend with a serious illness are both excellent. They made me reflect on how I would handle such situations, and how I could do a better job. The chapter on dealing with noisy and inconsiderate neighbors has some very good suggestions. Sometimes a little communal shaming can work wonders, like taping pictures in public places showing inconsiderate behavior. One time, one of my neighbors missed the recycling pickup, and just dumped her boxes and bottles into other people’s bins. Unfortunately for her, some of those boxes had her address on them, and she came back from work that evening to find them piled on her doorstep with a note that explained to passers-by what an inconsiderate jerk she was.

As I was reading there was one thing that struck me as fairly odd. Books are generally written over long periods of time, and it is understandable that the author might forget that she had already discussed something when writing about it in a different chapter. But isn’t that what editors are for? For instance, there is evidence from evolutionary psychology that humans have evolved a fine-tuned ability to keep track of who we owe favors to and who is cheating the system. It is called moralistic aggression, and it sheds some light on why we can get enraged over simple, non-threatening acts of rudeness. However, the author discusses it – not just mentions it, but explains it – four separate times in different chapters. It’s hard to understand how that didn’t get flagged as the book went through pre-production.

Amy Alkon gives advice for a living, and has a website where she answers people’s questions. Her writing style is entertaining, and she gives good advice at a time when consideration for others seems to be on the decline. I thought this book would give me a few laughs, and it did, but it also provided some good, solid advice for how to deal with all those other half-mad hairless apes called humans, whose technology has evolved faster than their emotional and psychological skills.

[Tara · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book entertained me initially, with ideas like the "rudest thing you can do with your phone is use it to call someone", until I got to the dating chapter. I don't know where to begin with how offbase the "advice" was in this chapter. NO, if a stranger is screaming obscenities in your face on public transit because you didn't want to talk to him, it is NOT your fault, no matter how "friendly" or "rude" you were in rejecting the initial advance. Maybe the asshole screaming obscenities needs a book of manners? Other than this egregious example of "advice", the dating chapter could have been written by the authors of The Rules. At this point, it was no longer a book for me.

I hate giving up on books, and I'd really looked forward to this one, but I just couldn't spend any more time with an author who thinks so little of the female half of her reading audience.

Fuck.

[Mugren Ohaly · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don't like her tone or how she writes, and her "humor" is juvenile and condescending. Amy Alkon is the last person on earth who should be giving advice about anything!

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing in this book would be necessary to state if parents, teachers, neighbors and police were still considered to be authorities over children and teenagers. In the formative years of their childhood they would have learned how to be polite. Most would have learned the techniques before the age of 6. Some would have needed more direction and correction however the lessons once learned would have remained with most of them throughout their lives.

The chapter in this book about cell phones should be required reading. (And after a set number of hours of use, your cell phone should stop working until you have read it again.) I watched a guy yesterday walk up to the edge of the street reading from his cell phone. He was in no danger because two motorist were watching him. He caused both drivers to stop because it was unclear if he was aware of the traffic. He was not in a pedestrian protected area where he had the right of way to cross and he stepped too close to the road for someone who was aware of two cars approaching from different directions. Arrogantly unaware of his rudeness, he looked up from his phone just before he stepped off the curb. He was completely oblivious to the fact that two motorist were concerned enough to stop their vehicles. He was so unaware that if someone had mentioned this situation that involved him...he would have had no idea that he was the arrogantly unaware offender.

There were also some suggestions in the book that are essentially about just being friendly. The naturally sweet personalities will read a good portion of this and be able to say, "I already do that!" If friendliness is not among your strengths then the information you'll get out out of this book might change your behavior enough that people will greet you with smiles when they see you coming instead of no expression and a flatly stated "how are you today?". If you are in a position where you see many consumers a day this book can give you the power to make hundreds of people feel like they matter everyday. What a gift you would be to so many with just a few kind words!!

In addition, there are some really good tips/suggestions/reminders about dealing with friends with terminal illnesses. No matter how thoughtful and kind you might be pending death creates awkwardness. The book is worth the read just for the information in this chapter.

If you have taken the time to read my review--Thank you!!!! : ) I hope you have a great day!!!!!

[Blair · Rating 2 out of 5]

WARNING!! Bad manners incoming.

I think Alkon had some really great points, and some of the research was interesting. I hated this book though. Truly did not like it. I'm not sure if it's bad manners to give an honest review about a book one didn't enjoy (some of the examples offered as good manners in this threw me, so I'm very unsure of my footing now), but here goes.

0. One star for the title. That was the best part of the book.

1. I am going to assume that the facts are correct in this, but I disagreed with a lot of the resulting analysis and suggestions based on those facts. First thing that struck me: the world is too big for manners. There is a study that says people are geared towards societies of ~150 people. I felt like the analysis said we are rude because we can't function past that number. I work in an office building of about that many, we mostly know one another and work closely together and we are all rude and horrible to one another. So, not sure that we are rude because we are too big. Maybe we are just all jerks (quite possible).

2. There were some hypocritical stories/examples in here, which makes me suspect about taking any advice from someone. The author spent some time talking about how she takes photos of people doing what she considers rude things and posting them on telephone poles in her neighborhood. Then she talks about how it is bad manners to post a photo of someone picking their nose in their car. I have a hard time distinguishing the lines between rude and not-rude in some of these instances. There was also an example about how calling people on the telephone is rude, but then a happy memory about the good times she has had prank-calling people with a friend. Um, what?

3. There was a long bit about the author's friendship with Marlon Brando, which seemed extraneous and I'm not entirely sure what purpose it served.

4. This may be the rudest point, but the way this was written made me think that the author is a terribly neurotic, possibly crazy, person. The way she describes herself at the beginning seems like she spends countless hours and hundreds of dollars stalking people's perceived bad behavior and advertising it to the world. It disturbed me a little. Now, maybe I am just reading into things. Just my humble opinion (I think I will be forever caveating everything I say for fear of offense. Let's be honest: in fear of retaliation).

5. A lot of the "fixes" involved money. I think it's unusual to use monetary "gifts" as apologies outside of a marriage. I would also be very uncomfortable if someone apologized to me through monetary means. I feel like that is buying someone off, instead of using sincere words and attempting to change hurtful or inappropriate behaviors.

6. A lot of the examples and solutions struck me as navel-gazing, not necessarily overarching advice for the world.

All in all, I was disappointed. I apologize if this review has offended anyone, I will not be sending you gift cards as a result, and my fervent wish for everyone is that you never invoke the wrath of someone who may post your photo on a telephone pole at any moment for any reason.

[S · Rating 2 out of 5]

Skimming the reviews, I'm seeing a lot of objections raised that are identical to my own regarding this book. Overall, there's some good, sometimes funny stuff in it. But then you get to the victim-blaming bits that may be well intentioned, but are really just squicky. And while landing a man might be someone's prime objective, so following grandma's dating advice to a T might get them a man (not sure the quality there...), Alcon's support of outdated dating advice is quite off-putting. The reason it seems to work is because it has been propagated endlessly, and yeah, people are basically trained to look for a submissive woman, but the thing is, that's a societal issue. It's not something that has to be inherently true, and I don't think that laying out 1950s rules for dating in the guise of "good manners" is the right thing to support. Especially because I feel that Alkon's personality is just a little bit bigger than any stereotypical grandmotherly type might find acceptable.

This book could be boiled down to four words: Don't be an asshole. There are many ways to avoid being an asshole, and this book outlines quite a few of them. I learned a few etiquette bits I might not have otherwise, disagreed heartily with many (as noted), but I was entertained and it's a book that has, mostly, the right attitude. Cursing, making mistakes, and such... those don't make someone ill-mannered. It's how we treat others, and I think that, in that at least, Alkon has the right idea.

Don't be an asshole.

[Barbara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spectacular!

This is the kind of brilliantly witty guidebook that I wish I’d had decades back, so I could have been savoring the opportunity to reread again and again. This book is a classic—not only of great wit, but of solid, scientifically-based information about how people how people can, with a little intelligent (and fun!) prompting, interact beautifully with one another in the modern world. Through everything, Amy’s basic human decency shines through—albeit a decency that’s shot through with brilliantly sardonic humor. I learned a LOT from this book, about everyday challenges (what is the new phone etiquette in the midst of today’s data overflow?), and about life’s eternal challenges involving what Alkon terms “trickle down humanity.” This book is not to be missed—nobody synthesizes science—or people smarts-- like Amy Alkon.

[Bastian Greshake Tzovaras · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some stuff is actually quite ok, but I strongly disagree on the heteronormative recommendations for dating, those are just plain stupid and kinda ruined it for me. For the rest it really boils down to "don't be an asshole", but if I wanted to read more about that I'd probably go for Kant…

[Q Richmond iii · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book. really insightful. Made me reflect on some ways ive unknowingly treated people and reconsider. Everybody should read just for that reflection. worth the time definitely.

[Leftbanker · Rating 1 out of 5]

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

Was that so difficult? No one is going to be hurt by a word, so if you’re going to put it in the title of your book, just put the word there instead of some Victorian England side-stepping of it like F*ck. It’s so childish.

Who doesn’t say fuck? Grow up, people. I live in a society (Spain) that doesn’t pretend to come apart at the seams when someone drops a bit of profanity on network TV, and where you see women’s breasts at the beach, so forgive me if this false puritanism bugs the hell out of me. I find war and poverty to be obscene, not vocabulary words that can’t do any harm to anyone.

Her “humor” just doesn’t do it for me. It’s like the paint-by-numbers version of “humor.”

The book itself is one of those moronic treatise that could be reduced to a 3X5 index card. This is the literary equivalent of the old expression “ten pounds of horse shit in a five pound bag,” a few shreds of free common sense wrapped up in a book. People are rude. Get over it, either be a doormat douche bag or step up and let others know how you feel.

Here’s my answer to this book in a much shorter version:

I’m not petty and I’m not passive-aggressive in the least. If you are bugging me I’m either going to tell you or I’ll just shrug it off because my life is too good to get worked up over bullshit.

[CatBookMom · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some quite educational insights into communicating with others by various means. And she has useful suggestions for how to defuse your own mood before trying to deal with the idiot who just broke in line, keeps yelling on their phone, dropped red wine on your new white dress, yada.

I'm an old fogey who picks up the phone and calls with my own voice and expects to speak to others in their own voices. I really love email, but I'm still putting off becoming attached to a smartphone. I kinda liked my flip-phone: small, easy to use to make a phone call.

Some of Alkon's recommendations I'm not entirely in agreement with, but overall it was a quick and interesting read.

May read this again.

[Sean Goh · Rating 2 out of 5]

A very odd book, with sporadic funny moments and a lot more snarky ones. For someone who emphasises empathy so much in her book the author comes across as surprisingly petty and overly eager to publicly shame people, even as in the communication chapter she speaks of how having an audience makes pointing out flaws that much more ego-crushing.
Still, she does make a handful of good points, when you get past the odd advice like not doing things face to face to avoid making things awkward, which just seems self-serving and trying to take the easy way out of difficult conversations. Read with a questioning mind.

___
Out of guilt, people who've done crappy things to you tend to treat you like you've done something crappy to them.

4 brain-engaging essentials that make up the full communication set (in addition to listening, empathy and treating people with dignity)
-Request management: Learning to say no.
-Honesty management: How and when to be frank
-Behaviour management: How to politely and effectively persuade people to mend their ways
-Hurt management: How to respond when you've been wronged or have wronged

Including witnesses when you tell someone they've messed up cranks the bitchslap up to turbo.

People change their behaviour when they sort out in their own mind that what they're doing violates what they care most about and what they want most for themselves.

Public crying responses ought to depend on whether or not the person is trying to avoid attention. Give them privacy when they want it, and give them presence when they're making a scene.

On speaking to strangers: Opportunity doesn't knock so much as it chats.

One-sided conversations commandeer the brain in a way two-sided ones don't, because the brain is trying to fill in the unheard side of the conversation.

On using phones on dates: "If you're going to invite someone to dinner and ignore them, at least have the decency to get married first and build up years of bitterness and resentment."

When you're really famous, it seems one of life's joys is finding out you're just "some guy" some girl can't stop writing to on the internet.

The Internet is the most amazing connector of humans we've ever had - that is, providing those of us on it have the guts, imagination, and good manners to use it that way.

Men should ask women out in a way that gets them as firmly and unambiguously rejected as possible, if that's ultimately what's in the cards.

Assuming everyone on the internet is lying their ass off prevents one from falling in love with a projected image and having it all come crashing down in the first face to face meeting.

Kubler Ross's work on the five stages of grief were done on people who were themselves dying, not those who had lost loved ones. Those not grieving aren't necessarily bottling it all up, they may just be resilient.

When deciding whether to get serious with someone, make a list of all their faults and ask if you can deal with them, rather than ignore them until its too late.

From a waiter: "You're absolutely right to send it back if it's not the way you asked for it (e.g. steak doneness). You're paying for your meal. You should get what you ordered."

On comforting those with serious illnesses: A lot of being successful is simply showing up. And reminding them that their cancer hasn't taken over their identity (live the mundane).

The essence of empathy is the ability to stand in another's shoes, to feel what it's like there and to care about make it better (if it hurts, or always in whatever way possible).

[Marie · Rating 2 out of 5]

My mom sometimes reads my book reviews. Mom, if you're reading this: please don't be offended with this book title! :)

Bad news first: I only give this book 2 of 5 stars. There were a few gems of wisdom within, but there were a lot more times where I thought to myself, "this woman is absolutely insane. She's going to mess with the wrong person someday and get skivved in an alley."

I'm definitely willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Ms. Alkon lives in LA. Perhaps people do need be more exertive out there in order to avoid being walked on. But I felt that the author took it just a little too far in many cases. To me, the most appalling anecdote she shared involved some trash left along the street in front of her house. In the book, she shared a picture of said trash. It was two plastic grocery bags and a cardboard box, not like 15 lawn bags of yard waste. She dug through the bags of trash to find mail with a name and address and tracked down the person. This person was a well-to-do doctor from another country who had been staying with a friend in a neighboring wealthy subdivision. (She goes farther into all the research she did for this case in the book.) She proceeded to mail the trash to the other country with a passive-aggressive note about trash-dumping. That was a lot of trouble to go through, for something that may not have even been their fault. Couldn't the trash have been jostled out of the back of a passing garbage truck?

She's also a fan of online shaming of people that she feels violate the code of civility. She proudly shares a copy of a flyer in her book that she made and posted around her neighborhood. The centerpiece of the flyer? A photograph of a man relieving himself. Yes, he shouldn't be doing that in a neighborhood. But I also think she probably shouldn't be posting that picture all over town.

Now to the positive, because there were a few things in the book I agreed with and I don't want to be 100% negative in my review. First, with inconsiderate cell phone users. When you're stuck somewhere with a loud cell phone talker (or someone who is using speakerphone on their cell phone in public), she advises that you start politely with, "You may not know this, but you are speaking a little loudly. Didn't know if you might want to keep your call a little more private." Or "You may not know this, but this place actually frowns on cell phone use. Just wanted to give you a heads up before an employee comes by." I like that, and can get behind it. Giving them the benefit of the doubt and giving them the chance to correct themselves without shame.

I also actually found her advice on how to be a friend/relative to someone who is seriously ill to be pretty sound. She repeatedly makes note that not everyone is the same and different things might work better for one person than another. But she does give good advice on what to say (and not say), and give examples of what worked for her and her friends when they lost a good friend a few years ago.

Aside from the examples above, Ms. Alkon also goes on rants against underparented children and airplane courtesy and dating. Not an unbearable book, but I'd recommend taking her advice with a grain of salt.

[Ingrid · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked up this audiobook for two reasons: 1) it was cheap (audible.com daily deal), and 2) I thought starting out the new year trying to figure out how to be a better person in this world was a good thing and this book actually started off seeming to give me some good advice (shut up and listen). I didn't know who Amy Alkon is ... I'm not one for pop culture and bloggers but, hey, I'm up for someone who can put a comic spin on to a serious subject to get a point across. In some regard, Ms Alkon and I are cut from the same cloth in standing up to some social wrongs (don't try to cut into a long bathroom line in front of me... Women around the world will patiently wait to take their turn, you can too) but I quickly part company with Ms Alkon on her views. I did not need the herpes rant, airplane fart rant or, mostly, her horrible advice to the pretty subway rider to chat it up to the hostile men hitting on her in the train. Wow, blame the victim. Sheesh, it could have been good, but wasn't. It could have been funny, but wasn't.

[Lynn · Rating 3 out of 5]

More like 3.5 star rating.
This book truly addresses potential ways in handling various social situations, whether in person or online. How to remain courteous even while your instinctual reaction might be more prone toward pure outrage at those who are acting seemingly rude or thoughtless. The way we phrase our responses can go a long way in getting results.
As the author points out, “we humans are conflict-avoidant beings” we simply hate confrontations.
Yet, “sometimes people with the very best of intentions say or do hurtful things.”
This book made me consider more how to respond when your neighbor plays rock music at 4 a.m., things to really consider when flying on a packed airplane & what might work best in getting you to your destination on time, how to avoid potential conflicts on social media, what is really appropriate to say to someone recently diagnosed with cancer, etc.

While I did not agree with the author on everything (especially the dating sections) I do believe she made some very good points and suggestions that I have now taken in.


[Adam Kice · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book had some humorous moments, but seriously lacks foundation for the bulk of the "digital etiquette" items provided. Also, the promotion of passive-aggressive responses to behaviors you don't appreciate are a shameful demonstration of self-importance and self-righteousness. Newsflash, the world is only here to ensure that you aren't annoyed.

The most profound moment in the book came very early. The suggestion that empathy is the root of manners was actually insightful. It was also far more relevant to my life than stories of mailing garbage to someone who littered in my neighborhood or posting flyers to shame someone for being loud.

Ultimately, the entertaining and enlightening moments in the book were overshadowed by the abundance of whiny passive aggression. One star seems generous, since the book would suggest I blog about how the author stole my time and concentration by writing the book, and the publisher was their accomplice, and then send them snail mail about their transgressions.

[Maggie Meredith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book provides useful tips, in a funny manner, for dealing with the rude world we live in. I'm too much of an introvert to try some of her tactics, but I like her ideas. This book also talks about how we react to rudeness and some of dealing with it is learning to let some things go or ignore them if it's not really involving you or causing a problem, it's just annoying. This is a good reminder for me!

[Cait]

Too many things in this book were starting to irritate me, particularly when I got to the section on relationships and dating. Even though she was backing up her points with scientific/psychological research, I still couldn't go along with many of her points, especially regarding the woman on the train who "overreacted" when guys kept hitting on her when she's been going out of her way to prevent such an occurrence.

[Gorab · Rating 1 out of 5]

Junk!! I regret picking this.
The advices are mostly average, and at times bad. If any of the rudeness was supposed to be funny, it wasn't!!

[Anika · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is an easy ready and a necessity for me - a humanoid cyborg with poor social programming. While I appreciated that the author justifies many of her recommendations with science, there are some portions of this book that seemed to miss the mark (but again, recall that I am by no means the arbiter of social conduct). Specifically, the dating advice seemed, well, outdated - and somewhat patronizing. Women are instructed to be nice to men that annoy them in order not to bruise a man's fragile ego (because apparently it's totally natural and therefore acceptable for a man to act out rudely and/or violently, and if you're an attractive woman being harassed repeatedly while reading on a subway or other public space it is your responsibility to prevent such outbursts by being polite and engaging to sway any hostilities. This is an actual example from the book). Conversely, men should practice asking out two attractive women per day so that they "can get used to rejection."

I'm no social butterfly, and I recognize that the reality of the world we live in does not always match the way things ought to be in what I imagine to be the best of all possible worlds, but...really? I also understand that from the author's perspective, it is prudent to advise readers to stay safe and avoid confrontations that could turn from hostile to violent, but this line of thinking just didn't sit right with me. And maybe, this type of situation simply isn't the appropriate thing to try tackling in a book on manners.

There is also a fair bit of recommending online or public shaming for people who misbehave in public. I’m not sure that this is called for, and it can certainly misfire or (intentional or not) ruin lives (for more on this, check out Jon Ronson’s book “So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed”). However, some of the advice (e.g., tipping in the modern world) I did find to be useful. Or, maybe I just have newfound guilt for not routinely tipping my Starbucks barista now...

[eb · Rating 1 out of 5]

Awful. Sexist, victim-blaming bullshit marketed as science-based manners / politeness training. Treating people well is a two way street; NO it is not a female train passenger’s fault that some entitled prick of a man-child screamed “suck my dick” and “if I had a gun, I’d shoot you” at her because she declined to talk to him in a bitchy way. If she had been more polite, he would have A. Done the same thing or B. Forced and cajoled her into a conversation she did not want to have. Why? TERRIBLE MANNERS. And a truly toxic level of male entitlement that makes him think she owes him time and attention because he wants it.

Alkon’s approach and tone in the whole book were off-putting, but this chapter was abhorrent. Really disappointing.

[Bethany · Rating 2 out of 5]

Amy Alkon is part of the problem, not the solution. She attempts to guide you through reactions to a variety of incivility encountered in daily modern life, explaining why people do this and how to be outraged about it to manipulate them into more acceptable behaviors. I feel that many of her suggestions are a worse, over exaggerated incivility out of proportion to the original crime. This book should have been titled, “How to act butt-hurt over dumb shit.”

[Laurie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wasn't sure what to expect from this book; perhaps just to see if the author agreed with me about behaviors today that I find incredibly rude...and she did on many counts so I guess I got that much from it. Actually, more than that, I was hoping for some really good suggestions on dealing with the rudeness, but I found that the way she handled some of the situations made her at times just as rude...I'm more for taking a higher road. She did acknowledge in some ways that in some instances, people don't realize that they're being rude and I agree with that. Also, pointing out to someone just how rude they're being is likely to escalate the situation and I also agree with that. A better book might be one that educates people on rudeness, like, you might be a rude person if you...stand in the middle of a grocery store aisle on your cell phone as though you're the only person in the store; or you talk on your cell phone at a volume which forces all those around you to listen whether they want to or not; or you let your dog poo on someone's lawn and then don't pick it up, etc. Such a book might get people to at least think twice about some things. This book might just piss them off.

I just don't understand how there are some people, like myself, who always think about being polite and often go out of their way to be polite and yet others are so ignorant when it comes to basic human kindness and reciprocity; it is something that really bugs me. Burns my toast, yo! But another note she made that I totally agree with (sometimes I think she contradicted herself) is that it's just up to us not to let it bother us; when I am in traffic and someone does something incredibly rude or ridiculous I just try to turn it into an action that took place for a reason...maybe this is the last day they can be late before they'll lose their job....that might make one cut off three people and very narrowly avoid a major pile-up. Maybe that guy is driving like a maniac because his wife is in labor and he's desperate to get to the hospital. Maybe that person sitting at the light even though it turned green a minute ago is lost and was looking at a map and just missed the light, maybe she really isn't a ditsy idiot driver after all. By re-framing I wind up feeling compassion and then I don't get angry. I keep trying to get Mike to think more like this!! So, anyway, an interesting book to some degree, I read it in one sitting, but I had higher hopes for it.

[Jen Visser · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really made me think, which means it was mostly a success in my opinion. Like other reviewers I didn't agree with several of the perspectives, but I did appreciate many and I appreciated the academic references behind the way we behave the way we do. If I did disagree with the author she still provided me with a starting point to further investigate the studies and form my own opinion from my findings.

I picked the book up because the title grabbed me, honestly. Who doesn't appreciate the work f*ck sometimes? From it, learned some tactics that I can use to make the world around me a little better. I also learned some extremes in behavior I'm not comfortable considering, and that's ok too.

Thank you Ms. Alkon.

[Shuva · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED this book! So many great examples on many difficult and common-sense situations for everyone, from bars/restaurants, airplanes and complex relationships/friendships. Amy's stye is very fun to read, an easy read without feeling too lecture-y. I found myself laughing out loud a few times. Pg. 32 on how to end a friendship proved especially useful to me very recently. I recognized myself in several situations described in this book - and especially loved the last chapter. A great book from which everyone can learn something.