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What We Were
It began with one meaningless kiss. It ended in a plea bargain.
Fast forward five years. Ethan Salvatore Evanson, once the rebellious, heathen son of a powerful preacher with a one-way ticket straight to hell, is now the most respected tech genius of his time, his sordid past wiped clean by the NSA in exchange for his expertise.
Noah Evanson is Pastor John Evanson's heavily guarded stepson - the golden child, and Ethan's stepbrother. Noah has just completed his degree in Theology and is on the precipice of full-time ministry, according to his stepfather's wishes. But he has one last thing to do before he turns his back on himself and everything he ever wanted.
New York becomes the new playground for one of the most intimidating businessmen in the world and a young minister on sabbatical, who were both once just two boys crushed by their love for each other and the hatred of their father.
Stepbrothers. Lovers. A love story that should never have happened.
What We Were is a second-chance stepbrother romance with heavy religious themes. It has a HEA.
The full list of trigger warnings is available in the Look Inside feature.
Fast forward five years. Ethan Salvatore Evanson, once the rebellious, heathen son of a powerful preacher with a one-way ticket straight to hell, is now the most respected tech genius of his time, his sordid past wiped clean by the NSA in exchange for his expertise.
Noah Evanson is Pastor John Evanson's heavily guarded stepson - the golden child, and Ethan's stepbrother. Noah has just completed his degree in Theology and is on the precipice of full-time ministry, according to his stepfather's wishes. But he has one last thing to do before he turns his back on himself and everything he ever wanted.
New York becomes the new playground for one of the most intimidating businessmen in the world and a young minister on sabbatical, who were both once just two boys crushed by their love for each other and the hatred of their father.
Stepbrothers. Lovers. A love story that should never have happened.
What We Were is a second-chance stepbrother romance with heavy religious themes. It has a HEA.
The full list of trigger warnings is available in the Look Inside feature.
537 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 27, 2023
178 people are currently reading
1310 people want to read
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October 23, 2023
I absolutely devoured this from start to finish, I absolutely loved it.
This book is, first and foremost, a love story between Ethan and Noah. Their love is passionate, all consuming, the best thing to ever happen to either of them. It's everything.
The chemistry between these two was off the charts. It wasn't just a by rote sex scene between these two, it was so passionate and loving and all consuming. It was 🔥 on the page. These two couldn't get enough of each other and I absolutely loved it and couldn't get enough of it.
Horrible circumstances separate them halfway through this book, but when they meet up again several years later? It doesn't take much for them to give into their desire, passion and love for each other. They just can't stay away, no matter how much they try to tell themselves they will.
I just...*happy sigh* loved these two. Their love was so amazing. I loved seeing it unfold as the story went on.
But the main plot, the thing that centers these boys' lives for so long - whether they're trapped in it or rejecting it - is religion.
And not whether you believe in a god or not. But religion as an institution, and the people who act like they're righteous and always a "man of God" but are actually big hypocritical predators, who use religion to hide behind their monstrous ways.
The big villain in this is Ethan's biological and Noah's adoptive father. Which makes them pseudo-related and so there's that element to this. But John Evanson is so horrible and for so long, Ethan doesn't consider him a father, that the kinda step-brother dynamic between them was barely there.
Ethan is 5 years older than Noah. When he came out at 14, his father of course didn't approve, calmed him all kind of horrible things, namely a pedophile who would harm Noah. So he rarely ever let Ethan be around Noah. And Ethan left home at 18, and has kept such a distance from Noah that they don't feel exactly brotherly by the time we get to the present day.
Although there is no animosity there either. Noah has been basically starstruck since he met Ethan at 8 years old, when Evanson brought him home and adopted him. Ethan never resented Noah, because he already knew things about his father that he hated, and he rejected religion and god, so he wanted nothing to do with the life Evanson was forcing and trapping Noah into.
See, Ethan learned of his father's depravity and evil nature when he was very young. He loved his mother, who was the exact opposite of his father, but took her life when he was only 6 years old. Losing her, and knowing what he knew - and what he finds out later when he finds her diary - makes it very easy for Ethan to not buy into the kind of religion his father was selling.
But Noah....he had an addict for a mother, and he was literally found in the gutter by Evanson. He gave him new clothes and food and a shelter and there was also Ethan. And he didn't know his true nature. And also he made it difficult for Noah and Ethan to ever become close. Because Ethan was forced to keep his distance, Noah was left to be manipulated and groomed by him, and buy into every horrible threat of eternal damnation and going to hell, all of it.
But Noah...at his core, is a sweet, kind person. And he's gay. And pretty much in love with Ethan from the start.
But also being gay is wrong, right? Lusting after someone is wrong, right? Wanting what he wants from Ethan is wrong, right?
But when Noah is 2 months from turning 18 - right before Ethan goes into another small stint in prison - there is a look in his eyes that Ethan sees, and that's when things change for Ethan.
And things really change irrevocably when he comes back from jail, freshly 23, while Noah is freshly 18, and there's still that look in his eyes. And when Noah asks him to kiss him "just once" and Ethan can't resist, it's all over from there.
But there's Evanson breathing down their necks. They have to hide their relationship at every turn. And when Evanson eventually does find out...he makes all hell break loose for these two men in love who just...want to love each other. That's all. It's that simple.
But we find out the real reason for why Evanson, for so long, wanted Ethan to stay away from Noah. Because Ethan didn't take his shit, and he couldn't control and manipulate Ethan the way he could with Noah, since he groomed since he was a kid. And Ethan knew what he did to Ethan's mother. He knew what he could reveal to Noah, and if Noah got close to Ethan, what Noah could one day reveal to Ethan as well...
His take down, when it comes, is glorious. Evanson is just that type of evil religious person you hear about. Those evangelical people who preach one thing but do the opposite of what they preach, and feeling entitled to do it. They're monsters in disguise.
If you're a religious person, this might not be the book for you...or, at least, it'll be rough to read the condemnation of it. But it's so true to life, as sad and scary as that is. Just this year alone, I've seen many Youth Pastors, Priests, etc, having been arrested for sexually abusing children. It's so real and it's sad how real it is. How real this story is.
Also, heed the TWs. I even went to the end of the book to get more detailed a TW about stuff before reading, even though it's in "spoiler" territory. Do what you have to if you could easily be triggered. This story deals with CSA, specifically in a church setting. It never plays out any of it, but it is discussed/detailed near the end.
This is a story about abuse, sexual abuse, trauma, religious trauma. But also about love, and enduring through it all to find happiness at the end of it. That it's not all so bleak and hopeless.
Ethan and Noah love each other endlessly, and it's more beautiful than anything. Ethan calls it a "beautiful thing that can't last" but it does last. Oh, does it last. These two getting their HEA is the best thing and I absolutely loved it.
Just....can't praise this book enough. I'll have to check out this author's other works, because I just fell in love with this author with this amazing book.
(There were tiny instances of grammatical errors, but there weren't many and were easily moved passed, for me. I didn't feel the need to take anything off the total because there weren't enough grammatical errors to take me out of the story. Do hope this author can get an editor in the future, though, just to clean those up.)
Highly, HIGHLY recommend this amazing love story! It was just so, so beautiful and I can't praise it enough.
Can't wait to read more from this lovely author! ❤️😍🥰😘
This book is, first and foremost, a love story between Ethan and Noah. Their love is passionate, all consuming, the best thing to ever happen to either of them. It's everything.
The chemistry between these two was off the charts. It wasn't just a by rote sex scene between these two, it was so passionate and loving and all consuming. It was 🔥 on the page. These two couldn't get enough of each other and I absolutely loved it and couldn't get enough of it.
Horrible circumstances separate them halfway through this book, but when they meet up again several years later? It doesn't take much for them to give into their desire, passion and love for each other. They just can't stay away, no matter how much they try to tell themselves they will.
I just...*happy sigh* loved these two. Their love was so amazing. I loved seeing it unfold as the story went on.
But the main plot, the thing that centers these boys' lives for so long - whether they're trapped in it or rejecting it - is religion.
And not whether you believe in a god or not. But religion as an institution, and the people who act like they're righteous and always a "man of God" but are actually big hypocritical predators, who use religion to hide behind their monstrous ways.
The big villain in this is Ethan's biological and Noah's adoptive father. Which makes them pseudo-related and so there's that element to this. But John Evanson is so horrible and for so long, Ethan doesn't consider him a father, that the kinda step-brother dynamic between them was barely there.
Ethan is 5 years older than Noah. When he came out at 14, his father of course didn't approve, calmed him all kind of horrible things, namely a pedophile who would harm Noah. So he rarely ever let Ethan be around Noah. And Ethan left home at 18, and has kept such a distance from Noah that they don't feel exactly brotherly by the time we get to the present day.
Although there is no animosity there either. Noah has been basically starstruck since he met Ethan at 8 years old, when Evanson brought him home and adopted him. Ethan never resented Noah, because he already knew things about his father that he hated, and he rejected religion and god, so he wanted nothing to do with the life Evanson was forcing and trapping Noah into.
See, Ethan learned of his father's depravity and evil nature when he was very young. He loved his mother, who was the exact opposite of his father, but took her life when he was only 6 years old. Losing her, and knowing what he knew - and what he finds out later when he finds her diary - makes it very easy for Ethan to not buy into the kind of religion his father was selling.
But Noah....he had an addict for a mother, and he was literally found in the gutter by Evanson. He gave him new clothes and food and a shelter and there was also Ethan. And he didn't know his true nature. And also he made it difficult for Noah and Ethan to ever become close. Because Ethan was forced to keep his distance, Noah was left to be manipulated and groomed by him, and buy into every horrible threat of eternal damnation and going to hell, all of it.
But Noah...at his core, is a sweet, kind person. And he's gay. And pretty much in love with Ethan from the start.
But also being gay is wrong, right? Lusting after someone is wrong, right? Wanting what he wants from Ethan is wrong, right?
But when Noah is 2 months from turning 18 - right before Ethan goes into another small stint in prison - there is a look in his eyes that Ethan sees, and that's when things change for Ethan.
And things really change irrevocably when he comes back from jail, freshly 23, while Noah is freshly 18, and there's still that look in his eyes. And when Noah asks him to kiss him "just once" and Ethan can't resist, it's all over from there.
But there's Evanson breathing down their necks. They have to hide their relationship at every turn. And when Evanson eventually does find out...he makes all hell break loose for these two men in love who just...want to love each other. That's all. It's that simple.
But we find out the real reason for why Evanson, for so long, wanted Ethan to stay away from Noah. Because Ethan didn't take his shit, and he couldn't control and manipulate Ethan the way he could with Noah, since he groomed since he was a kid. And Ethan knew what he did to Ethan's mother. He knew what he could reveal to Noah, and if Noah got close to Ethan, what Noah could one day reveal to Ethan as well...
His take down, when it comes, is glorious. Evanson is just that type of evil religious person you hear about. Those evangelical people who preach one thing but do the opposite of what they preach, and feeling entitled to do it. They're monsters in disguise.
If you're a religious person, this might not be the book for you...or, at least, it'll be rough to read the condemnation of it. But it's so true to life, as sad and scary as that is. Just this year alone, I've seen many Youth Pastors, Priests, etc, having been arrested for sexually abusing children. It's so real and it's sad how real it is. How real this story is.
Also, heed the TWs. I even went to the end of the book to get more detailed a TW about stuff before reading, even though it's in "spoiler" territory. Do what you have to if you could easily be triggered. This story deals with CSA, specifically in a church setting. It never plays out any of it, but it is discussed/detailed near the end.
This is a story about abuse, sexual abuse, trauma, religious trauma. But also about love, and enduring through it all to find happiness at the end of it. That it's not all so bleak and hopeless.
Ethan and Noah love each other endlessly, and it's more beautiful than anything. Ethan calls it a "beautiful thing that can't last" but it does last. Oh, does it last. These two getting their HEA is the best thing and I absolutely loved it.
Just....can't praise this book enough. I'll have to check out this author's other works, because I just fell in love with this author with this amazing book.
(There were tiny instances of grammatical errors, but there weren't many and were easily moved passed, for me. I didn't feel the need to take anything off the total because there weren't enough grammatical errors to take me out of the story. Do hope this author can get an editor in the future, though, just to clean those up.)
Highly, HIGHLY recommend this amazing love story! It was just so, so beautiful and I can't praise it enough.
Can't wait to read more from this lovely author! ❤️😍🥰😘
September 10, 2024
Ok this was a tough but phenomenal one.
Holy shit 👏🏼🔥🌶️💯
I love Jen’s brave and emotional stories. She killed it, again!
5 stars for this angsty, emotional rollercoaster and forbidden stepbrother love ❤️
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
I don’t even know how to sum this book up. There are so many wonderful things about the love between Ethan and Noah, and so much awful stuff about their upbringing under the roof of their father, Pastor John Evanson.
The manipulation in gods name, the gaslighting and the abuse these boys endure from the pastor is astonishing.
Ethan is the biologigal son, an outcast, his fathers thorn. The rebellious gay son that keeps getting into trouble. The son that hates his father for the sins he’s committed against his mother.
Noah is the adopted son under his fathers strict rules and manipulation. He’s the son that their father grooms and sets the fear of god and hell into. The son that keeps being reminded of how the pastor saved him from a life in the gutters.
Noah and Eathan fall in love and they both fall hard. They hide their love and sneak around to crunch their passion for each other while their father tries to keep them apart.
These boys are so sweet, so deep and so easy to love and I love how they stuck together even when everyone and everything was against them.
- Ugh I got so angry when John Evanson so unfairly worked against them but I was also floored by the spiritual writing Jen so loveling folding into the story.
Let not forget the spice and kinks and the way it will burn you up 🔥😮💨
Explaining this book is impossible because it takes you on a long journey and a wild ride of every emotions you could possible feel in a book that is so brave and unapologetic.
This story is religion, manipulation, grooming, SA, forbidden stepbrother love, surviving an abusive father, a church that covers up the crimes of its spiritual leader and a long fight to get justice and happiness in the end... *Takes a deep breath*
Jen really lays it all out there. I love the bravery in addressing these issues. These kind of books are exactly whet I love to read. A forbidden love story set around a church that condemn their love. Yes please.
Holy shit 👏🏼🔥🌶️💯
I love Jen’s brave and emotional stories. She killed it, again!
5 stars for this angsty, emotional rollercoaster and forbidden stepbrother love ❤️
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
I don’t even know how to sum this book up. There are so many wonderful things about the love between Ethan and Noah, and so much awful stuff about their upbringing under the roof of their father, Pastor John Evanson.
The manipulation in gods name, the gaslighting and the abuse these boys endure from the pastor is astonishing.
Ethan is the biologigal son, an outcast, his fathers thorn. The rebellious gay son that keeps getting into trouble. The son that hates his father for the sins he’s committed against his mother.
Noah is the adopted son under his fathers strict rules and manipulation. He’s the son that their father grooms and sets the fear of god and hell into. The son that keeps being reminded of how the pastor saved him from a life in the gutters.
Noah and Eathan fall in love and they both fall hard. They hide their love and sneak around to crunch their passion for each other while their father tries to keep them apart.
These boys are so sweet, so deep and so easy to love and I love how they stuck together even when everyone and everything was against them.
- Ugh I got so angry when John Evanson so unfairly worked against them but I was also floored by the spiritual writing Jen so loveling folding into the story.
Let not forget the spice and kinks and the way it will burn you up 🔥😮💨
Explaining this book is impossible because it takes you on a long journey and a wild ride of every emotions you could possible feel in a book that is so brave and unapologetic.
This story is religion, manipulation, grooming, SA, forbidden stepbrother love, surviving an abusive father, a church that covers up the crimes of its spiritual leader and a long fight to get justice and happiness in the end... *Takes a deep breath*
Jen really lays it all out there. I love the bravery in addressing these issues. These kind of books are exactly whet I love to read. A forbidden love story set around a church that condemn their love. Yes please.
February 28, 2024
man Noah is the cutest.
June 15, 2024
DNF around 30%
Okay so I've never written a bad review, I don't want to offend anyone, but this book offended me. Deeply. I work with children, including survivors of SA (I'm a childpsychologist) and this book made my blood boil. I don't want this to sound like a lecture about psychology, but honestly, I don't even care. Sorry for the swearing in advance.
I picked up this book, reading through the trigger warnings and I was okay with them. Around 15% of the book though, I had a strong feeling this would contain childhood SA so I went through the TWs again, but it wasn't there. What was there is the information that there's MORE TWs at the very end of the book. So I skipped there and sure there it was, the childhood SA of one of the main characters, very conveniently hidden at the end because it's a spoiler. It's very heavily hinted from the beginning so it's easy to pick up on, especially if you've read books with similar subject matter, but I wasn't in the mood to read something like this right now, so I wouldn't have picked it up. Also, it was very poorly executed for 3 reasons:
1. Ethan, the love interest looks and sounds exactly like his father, the other MC's abuser. They have the same facial features and at one point it's mentioned that they sound almost exactly the same, then a couple of pages later Noah gushes about how turned on Ethan's voice is making him feel. Like. What. The. Actual. Fuck. This suggests that the reason why Noah is attracted to Ethan is not because he actually likes (or knows him for that matter, because he doesn't), but because there's a trauma bond, and Noah has fallen in love with someone who looks and sounds like the man who abused him as a child. It would be extremely triggering for a survivor of SA to be in an intimate situation with someone even just resembling their abuser, let alone being the spitting image of them. Except if they're in an abusive cycle and developed a trauma bond. So this makes the whole foundation of their relationship disturbing and the farthest thing from romantic.
Because yes, it's said several times that Ethan looks like his father but is completely different, warm and caring and kind (we don't know how Noah knows this because they spend close to zero time together growing up). But Ethan still has the man's eyes, hair, face and voice!! That would matter for someone who suffered SA as a child.
2. The way Noah functions. With SA there's always a complex group of psychological symptoms that develop after a child suffers through it. As teenagers and adults they can be completely frigid and reject all sexual encounters, terrified or disgusted by being touched. Or the opposite can happen, they're promiscuous and let others use their body as they want, because they feel like that's the only value they have and people will love them only for their body anyway. There are symptoms like anger management issues, extreme mood swings, depression, severe anxiety, guilt, self-hatred, self-blame, self-harm, shame, suicidal ideation, aggression and hostility. Borderline personality disorder can potentially develop as well. Everyone has a mixture of a few of these symptoms, or other symptoms I haven't listed here, but there's SOMETHING.
So why the fuck is Noah breezing through his days with zero mental health issues? Why does it feel like he's relatively 'okay'? There's clearly repressed guilt in him and he's unhappy but he's functioning without as much as having nightmares.
But I get it, it's fiction, a fantasy, a choice of character representation and story telling. However, for example in For the Fans by Nyla K. the MC who has been SA-d as a child (in a somewhat similar religious setting) is angry all the time, can be aggressive, extremely hostile and fights his attraction to the love interest with everything he has. He has mood swings, he hates himself and he can be an asshole. In the Captive Prince trilogy the MC who has been SA-b by an actual relative as a child is extremely cold, frigid, hostile, manipulative and sometimes abusive too. These characters are still likeable and loveable. A character doesn't need to be pure and sweet and angel-like and borderline flawless (because that's also unrealistic) for the readers to feel for him. They can be a realistic representation of trauma and then they would feel like actual humans and wouldn't be a misrepresentation of a very sensitive subject matter.
But if any of this changes later in the book, and turns out that Noah has some symptoms then my bad. I'm not gonna make myself read through the book though, because regardless of my main issues with it, IMO it includes too much mundane stuff about corrupt religious people and the church in general, and it's not that well written either.
3. Noah and Ethan realizing they are hot for each other. There's no build up, no explanation, no feelings, only sexual desire. This again only shows that there's not an emotional connection between them, but a sexual one and given the resemblance I wrote about in Ethan's case to his father that sexual attraction is just disturbing. It's hinted that Noah had a crush on Ethan for years, because he was 'the cool kid', but as I read through the reviews here, there's mainly just sex between the two of them later in the book as well, not actual couple activities. Ethan's attraction is baffling as well, he always thought Noah was beautiful but that's it. And when Noah starts to LOOK at him like he wants to fuck him, he's suddenly in love with him? Like what? From his POV it feels like the reason he wants Noah is that Noah is 'the forbidden fruit' and not even an actual person, because Ethan just can't resist him. Ew.
Okay, I needed to get this off my chest. I'm not sorry because I really wasn't in the mood to read something with this topic right now and the trigger warnings didn't include it in the beginning of the book. On top of that, it was so poorly written and handled. If someone's into this as a kink no shame whatsoever, you do you, but if this is supposed to be a representation of a romantic AND healthy relationship then fuck this.
Okay so I've never written a bad review, I don't want to offend anyone, but this book offended me. Deeply. I work with children, including survivors of SA (I'm a childpsychologist) and this book made my blood boil. I don't want this to sound like a lecture about psychology, but honestly, I don't even care. Sorry for the swearing in advance.
I picked up this book, reading through the trigger warnings and I was okay with them. Around 15% of the book though, I had a strong feeling this would contain childhood SA so I went through the TWs again, but it wasn't there. What was there is the information that there's MORE TWs at the very end of the book. So I skipped there and sure there it was, the childhood SA of one of the main characters, very conveniently hidden at the end because it's a spoiler. It's very heavily hinted from the beginning so it's easy to pick up on, especially if you've read books with similar subject matter, but I wasn't in the mood to read something like this right now, so I wouldn't have picked it up. Also, it was very poorly executed for 3 reasons:
1. Ethan, the love interest looks and sounds exactly like his father, the other MC's abuser. They have the same facial features and at one point it's mentioned that they sound almost exactly the same, then a couple of pages later Noah gushes about how turned on Ethan's voice is making him feel. Like. What. The. Actual. Fuck. This suggests that the reason why Noah is attracted to Ethan is not because he actually likes (or knows him for that matter, because he doesn't), but because there's a trauma bond, and Noah has fallen in love with someone who looks and sounds like the man who abused him as a child. It would be extremely triggering for a survivor of SA to be in an intimate situation with someone even just resembling their abuser, let alone being the spitting image of them. Except if they're in an abusive cycle and developed a trauma bond. So this makes the whole foundation of their relationship disturbing and the farthest thing from romantic.
Because yes, it's said several times that Ethan looks like his father but is completely different, warm and caring and kind (we don't know how Noah knows this because they spend close to zero time together growing up). But Ethan still has the man's eyes, hair, face and voice!! That would matter for someone who suffered SA as a child.
2. The way Noah functions. With SA there's always a complex group of psychological symptoms that develop after a child suffers through it. As teenagers and adults they can be completely frigid and reject all sexual encounters, terrified or disgusted by being touched. Or the opposite can happen, they're promiscuous and let others use their body as they want, because they feel like that's the only value they have and people will love them only for their body anyway. There are symptoms like anger management issues, extreme mood swings, depression, severe anxiety, guilt, self-hatred, self-blame, self-harm, shame, suicidal ideation, aggression and hostility. Borderline personality disorder can potentially develop as well. Everyone has a mixture of a few of these symptoms, or other symptoms I haven't listed here, but there's SOMETHING.
So why the fuck is Noah breezing through his days with zero mental health issues? Why does it feel like he's relatively 'okay'? There's clearly repressed guilt in him and he's unhappy but he's functioning without as much as having nightmares.
But I get it, it's fiction, a fantasy, a choice of character representation and story telling. However, for example in For the Fans by Nyla K. the MC who has been SA-d as a child (in a somewhat similar religious setting) is angry all the time, can be aggressive, extremely hostile and fights his attraction to the love interest with everything he has. He has mood swings, he hates himself and he can be an asshole. In the Captive Prince trilogy the MC who has been SA-b by an actual relative as a child is extremely cold, frigid, hostile, manipulative and sometimes abusive too. These characters are still likeable and loveable. A character doesn't need to be pure and sweet and angel-like and borderline flawless (because that's also unrealistic) for the readers to feel for him. They can be a realistic representation of trauma and then they would feel like actual humans and wouldn't be a misrepresentation of a very sensitive subject matter.
But if any of this changes later in the book, and turns out that Noah has some symptoms then my bad. I'm not gonna make myself read through the book though, because regardless of my main issues with it, IMO it includes too much mundane stuff about corrupt religious people and the church in general, and it's not that well written either.
3. Noah and Ethan realizing they are hot for each other. There's no build up, no explanation, no feelings, only sexual desire. This again only shows that there's not an emotional connection between them, but a sexual one and given the resemblance I wrote about in Ethan's case to his father that sexual attraction is just disturbing. It's hinted that Noah had a crush on Ethan for years, because he was 'the cool kid', but as I read through the reviews here, there's mainly just sex between the two of them later in the book as well, not actual couple activities. Ethan's attraction is baffling as well, he always thought Noah was beautiful but that's it. And when Noah starts to LOOK at him like he wants to fuck him, he's suddenly in love with him? Like what? From his POV it feels like the reason he wants Noah is that Noah is 'the forbidden fruit' and not even an actual person, because Ethan just can't resist him. Ew.
Okay, I needed to get this off my chest. I'm not sorry because I really wasn't in the mood to read something with this topic right now and the trigger warnings didn't include it in the beginning of the book. On top of that, it was so poorly written and handled. If someone's into this as a kink no shame whatsoever, you do you, but if this is supposed to be a representation of a romantic AND healthy relationship then fuck this.
January 3, 2024
What We Were by Jen Samson
I don’t annotate. Well, that’s not true. I don’t anymore. In school, I used to annotate all the time. Wise words, profound words, devastating words. Words that made me cry or made me understand the world I live in. Words that made me angry.
But no, I haven’t annotated in many years. I’m blessed—and cursed—with what is commonly referred to as a photographic memory. I keep all the words in my head and look at them when I want to.
But when Jen’s book releases, I’m gonna buy two paperbacks. One that I’m gonna annotate the FUCK out of. Because I need to be able to go to all those places again and again when I feel the need to. When I need to be reminded. That there is so much BEAUTY in this world. And so much EVIL. And that we must never stop fighting. Because they will fucking try to make us hate ourselves if we do.
The other book will be for all my tears. All the tears, I’ve cried for myself, for Ethan and Noah and for all the other brave souls outthere. For you, Jen.
I’m not a religious person. God and I parted ways many decades ago when I was a child and prayed for him to come, but he never did. I don’t need that kind of god in my life. My religion is getting out of bed every morning and living my life.
I beta read your book, Jen. You say I did a great job. I say I feel like F. Scott Fitzgerald came back from the dead, knocked on my door and asked me to beta read the Great Gatsby.
The author warns you about triggers in this book and they are there for a fucking reason. Because in What We Were, Jen stares directly into the eyes of evil and calls it out. She calls it out! And there are people in this world who continue to not only mistake evil with good but they also insist on destroying lives in their pursuit of power and control.
So please take the author serious when she tells you the nature of her book. Don’t ignore her words.
Jen, you are so fucking brave. I’m so proud of you. I will continue to walk beside you in your quest to speak your truth because it is a universal truth and therefore also mine.
I beta read What We Were and it is the most beautiful book I’ve ever read.
Girl, You’re Racing Like a Fucking Pro!
I don’t annotate. Well, that’s not true. I don’t anymore. In school, I used to annotate all the time. Wise words, profound words, devastating words. Words that made me cry or made me understand the world I live in. Words that made me angry.
But no, I haven’t annotated in many years. I’m blessed—and cursed—with what is commonly referred to as a photographic memory. I keep all the words in my head and look at them when I want to.
But when Jen’s book releases, I’m gonna buy two paperbacks. One that I’m gonna annotate the FUCK out of. Because I need to be able to go to all those places again and again when I feel the need to. When I need to be reminded. That there is so much BEAUTY in this world. And so much EVIL. And that we must never stop fighting. Because they will fucking try to make us hate ourselves if we do.
The other book will be for all my tears. All the tears, I’ve cried for myself, for Ethan and Noah and for all the other brave souls outthere. For you, Jen.
I’m not a religious person. God and I parted ways many decades ago when I was a child and prayed for him to come, but he never did. I don’t need that kind of god in my life. My religion is getting out of bed every morning and living my life.
I beta read your book, Jen. You say I did a great job. I say I feel like F. Scott Fitzgerald came back from the dead, knocked on my door and asked me to beta read the Great Gatsby.
The author warns you about triggers in this book and they are there for a fucking reason. Because in What We Were, Jen stares directly into the eyes of evil and calls it out. She calls it out! And there are people in this world who continue to not only mistake evil with good but they also insist on destroying lives in their pursuit of power and control.
So please take the author serious when she tells you the nature of her book. Don’t ignore her words.
Jen, you are so fucking brave. I’m so proud of you. I will continue to walk beside you in your quest to speak your truth because it is a universal truth and therefore also mine.
I beta read What We Were and it is the most beautiful book I’ve ever read.
Girl, You’re Racing Like a Fucking Pro!
October 1, 2023
Absolutely incredible. This was uncomfortable and upsetting book but this is the kind of story that needs to be told. Jen gave us the most incredible love story amid all the despair and vileness.
More review to come once I am able to really get my thoughts in order.
This is a definite must read!!
More review to come once I am able to really get my thoughts in order.
This is a definite must read!!
October 15, 2023
5 stars really isn't enough. I really take my hat off to this author because this shit NEEDS to be and should be written about, and the way this was told was sooooo heartbreaking and beautiful. I did NOT expect this to be anything like what it was.
My favourite read by Jen Samson and a one click author for me now.
My favourite read by Jen Samson and a one click author for me now.
September 29, 2023
When you read a book and the dedication and reason for writing this book makes you cry you know it's gonna be a tough read. Jen did such an amazing job with this story. It's broken into 2 parts and you feel those 2 parts. As someone who has lived so many parts of this story and feels Noah to my core because I wrestled a lot of his demons(not his hardest one-not spoiling this here) but expectations, belief systems, guilt and finally freedom to be myself this book will forever hold a special place in my heart. There are so many layers to this story and the truth is where you fall after truly looking at your faith is yours to hold....no one else's. Find your faith-or walk away. Believe You are made perfectly you and no one has the right to make you feel less.
Part1:
Here me when I say the awkward, the weird way things are said, the thoughts.....all those things are real. She creates a space for the reality of how kids growing up in an extremely sheltered evangelical household would sound and act. There is a naïveté that comes with that that she so artfully crafted that it makes you uncomfortable. Please sit in that uncomfortableness....push through to part 2. I know it feels like the author did a weird job writing but it's intentional....
Part 2:
We get our happy ever after but not before more of our heart breaks. We learn the true evil of Pastor Evanson and even though we think we know....it's worse. Your heart will break for Ethan and Noah but watching Noah gain strength and belief in himself is beautiful. Accepting God made him who he is and having Noah embrace that fully is everything.
My only "complaint" is the kink....it's not my favorite but I understand that extra layer it created. Also....I wouldn't call them step brothers because Noah is adopted but I'm not sure what you would call them then....so.
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
Part1:
Here me when I say the awkward, the weird way things are said, the thoughts.....all those things are real. She creates a space for the reality of how kids growing up in an extremely sheltered evangelical household would sound and act. There is a naïveté that comes with that that she so artfully crafted that it makes you uncomfortable. Please sit in that uncomfortableness....push through to part 2. I know it feels like the author did a weird job writing but it's intentional....
Part 2:
We get our happy ever after but not before more of our heart breaks. We learn the true evil of Pastor Evanson and even though we think we know....it's worse. Your heart will break for Ethan and Noah but watching Noah gain strength and belief in himself is beautiful. Accepting God made him who he is and having Noah embrace that fully is everything.
My only "complaint" is the kink....it's not my favorite but I understand that extra layer it created. Also....I wouldn't call them step brothers because Noah is adopted but I'm not sure what you would call them then....so.
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
October 7, 2025
I have read my fair share of books with religious trauma as a theme and they hurt every single time. I am from The Netherlands and I guess we are a little less religious and conservative then the US, so it doesn't really hit home that much, but I get angry and sad everytime the homophobia, manipulation and control hits the fan. While reading this book my emotions came out in a lot of ugly crying. My God (pun intended), this one HURT!
Noah and Ethan are (adopted) brothers. Their father is an extremely strict and conservative pastor. Evan has freed and distanced himself from him, but Noah is still under his influence, trying to be the devote son he supposed to be. They both have an undeniable attraction towards each other and they start a secret affair, which ends badly when their father finds out. 5 years later, they meet again. But the question remains, will Noah be able to free himself of the guilt and shame and of the control his father still has over him?
Although it is so hard for me to understand the fear and ideas of hell and damnation, I really felt sorry for Noah. He was such a sweet and innocent character and the perfect victim for religious extremists. And the way Ethan understood and never judged amazed me. Even after all these years and the sacrifices he made for Noah, he still was supportive and understanding. Their love for each other was so deep and warm and as a reader we are in constant danger of throwing your kindle against the wall because of the impossibility of their relationship. Heartbreaking, gut-wrenching and rage inducing. Their HEA was hard fought and well deserved and my heart was luckily put back together. I think on of my favorite reads of the year so far!
Noah and Ethan are (adopted) brothers. Their father is an extremely strict and conservative pastor. Evan has freed and distanced himself from him, but Noah is still under his influence, trying to be the devote son he supposed to be. They both have an undeniable attraction towards each other and they start a secret affair, which ends badly when their father finds out. 5 years later, they meet again. But the question remains, will Noah be able to free himself of the guilt and shame and of the control his father still has over him?
Although it is so hard for me to understand the fear and ideas of hell and damnation, I really felt sorry for Noah. He was such a sweet and innocent character and the perfect victim for religious extremists. And the way Ethan understood and never judged amazed me. Even after all these years and the sacrifices he made for Noah, he still was supportive and understanding. Their love for each other was so deep and warm and as a reader we are in constant danger of throwing your kindle against the wall because of the impossibility of their relationship. Heartbreaking, gut-wrenching and rage inducing. Their HEA was hard fought and well deserved and my heart was luckily put back together. I think on of my favorite reads of the year so far!
March 11, 2024
I really wanted to write a detailed review on this book but I am just so overwhelmed (in a good way) And I don't really know where to start or where to stop. This book was just so beautiful.
Noah and Ethan are my new fav couple. They both went through a lot and I don't have words to describe how happy I am that they got their well deserved hea.
Noah and Ethan are my new fav couple. They both went through a lot and I don't have words to describe how happy I am that they got their well deserved hea.
May 21, 2024
I was warned by the author at the beginning of the book to be patient through the beginning so I was. I was hopeful because I’ve really liked a couple of this author’s books. Unfortunately, I was so bored with allllll the religious hypocrisy bs (which was somewhat familiar for me as I grew up in a toxic and abusive catholic family) and hoped the second half of the book would be better. It was about the same but I made it through, skimming through some portions including sex scenes. I think if it was shortened a couple hundred pages, I would have liked it a lot better.
October 13, 2023
Repetitive
So, while I can appreciate Ethan and Noah’s story and how it was told, the constant repetition drove me nuts. Did we really need pages upon pages of how much they loved each other and how much they needed each other in their lives? That they were blood brothers? I mean 10+ times it was mentioned during one scene. ONE.
66 chapters plus two epilogues and I feel like this easily could have been cut in half. The ending itself is wrapped up so quickly while we get several chapters of how much they want each other. We barely get glimpses of their lives after the dad is out of the picture and it made me super grumpy. I wanted to see them flourish and how the house and those original 7 kids were doing.
I know this happens a lot with my reviews, but this badly needed an editor. I kept getting pulled out when words didn’t make sense or were missing and a sentence didn’t work. I’d have to stop and sound it out and try and figure out what was missing. I also think they could have helped a lot with the constant, back to back repeated sentences.
Also, we get it.
We know they’re brothers by now.
So, while I can appreciate Ethan and Noah’s story and how it was told, the constant repetition drove me nuts. Did we really need pages upon pages of how much they loved each other and how much they needed each other in their lives? That they were blood brothers? I mean 10+ times it was mentioned during one scene. ONE.
66 chapters plus two epilogues and I feel like this easily could have been cut in half. The ending itself is wrapped up so quickly while we get several chapters of how much they want each other. We barely get glimpses of their lives after the dad is out of the picture and it made me super grumpy. I wanted to see them flourish and how the house and those original 7 kids were doing.
I know this happens a lot with my reviews, but this badly needed an editor. I kept getting pulled out when words didn’t make sense or were missing and a sentence didn’t work. I’d have to stop and sound it out and try and figure out what was missing. I also think they could have helped a lot with the constant, back to back repeated sentences.
Also, we get it.
We know they’re brothers by now.
November 27, 2025
My favorite of 2023. Every book I've read by Jen Samson so far is a 5-star book! She writes very emotionally, with a lot of sensitivity and at the same time so 🌶️🔥.
Mein Jahresfavorit 2023. Jedes Buch, welches ich bisher von Jen Samson gelesen habe, ist ein 5-Sterne Buch! Sie schreibt sehr emotional, mit viel Feingefühl und zugleich so 🌶️🔥.
Mein Jahresfavorit 2023. Jedes Buch, welches ich bisher von Jen Samson gelesen habe, ist ein 5-Sterne Buch! Sie schreibt sehr emotional, mit viel Feingefühl und zugleich so 🌶️🔥.
December 8, 2024
I'm traumatized and overwhelmed (in a good way), but I'm probably gonna never re read this bc once was enough, and i need time to recover from this.
But this just shows how well written of a book it was and all the elements it had like manipulation, religion manipulation, gaslighting, grooming, SA (Not bw love interests)
But this just shows how well written of a book it was and all the elements it had like manipulation, religion manipulation, gaslighting, grooming, SA (Not bw love interests)
Read
October 23, 2025It started off well — but only for a while. This book reminded me why I usually avoid any stories soaked in religion. I just can’t stand the hypocrisy, the venom, and the deceit it usually brings upon the characters. It was a tough read. I kept having these “seriously? really?” moments.
There are three main things that bothered me — and because of them, I honestly don’t know how to rate this book.
1. Insta-lust, with zero relationship depth whatsover. That might’ve worked when the characters were teenagers and the whole thing started, but later on? No. Just no. But then again, once you know every issue and trauma from the past, the attraction between them is questionable, at the very least. There was only one thing constantly between them — no relationship growth, no couple usual stuff, nothing that would make you believe in their “great love.” They solved everything in the bedroom. And that weird kink one of the MCs had? Ugh, just no.
2. Trigger warnings – as someone who’s read the Captive Prince trilogy more than once and knows the tropes inside out, I spotted the issue right away, from a single sentence, and kept waiting for the bomb to drop. It haunted me the whole time because I knew exactly where it was heading. That made the main couple’s relationship even harder to stomach — the more you think about it, the more disturbing it gets. So please, add SA in big capital letters to the trigger warnings right at the start — and don’t ever romanticize topics like that.
3. Editing – the book badly needed it. The same things kept being repeated over and over, characters constantly calling each other by name in every sentence in every dialogue, scenes being recycled... And that endless “Noah, baby” — I was honestly ready to throw up. It was all so messy. And disturbing.
There are three main things that bothered me — and because of them, I honestly don’t know how to rate this book.
1. Insta-lust, with zero relationship depth whatsover. That might’ve worked when the characters were teenagers and the whole thing started, but later on? No. Just no. But then again, once you know every issue and trauma from the past, the attraction between them is questionable, at the very least. There was only one thing constantly between them — no relationship growth, no couple usual stuff, nothing that would make you believe in their “great love.” They solved everything in the bedroom. And that weird kink one of the MCs had? Ugh, just no.
2. Trigger warnings – as someone who’s read the Captive Prince trilogy more than once and knows the tropes inside out, I spotted the issue right away, from a single sentence, and kept waiting for the bomb to drop. It haunted me the whole time because I knew exactly where it was heading. That made the main couple’s relationship even harder to stomach — the more you think about it, the more disturbing it gets. So please, add SA in big capital letters to the trigger warnings right at the start — and don’t ever romanticize topics like that.
3. Editing – the book badly needed it. The same things kept being repeated over and over, characters constantly calling each other by name in every sentence in every dialogue, scenes being recycled... And that endless “Noah, baby” — I was honestly ready to throw up. It was all so messy. And disturbing.
October 9, 2025
3 ⭐️
This book delves into truly important themes of goodness and religion and how these things aren’t always the same.
Reading it it’s obvious that it was an important book to write for this author.
And it isn’t a bad book. But. Yeah, unfortunately there is a but here.
It could have been done better. I really wanted more depth and to feel the connection between both MCs. An not to be told over and over again that yeah they love is epic. They both felt their love to be epic. I as a reader did not.
The moral dilemma of Noah is a big one, but again, I don’t think it was explored in a meaningful way that a reader could feel it.
And also. Black and white characters all around.
I would have loved to see Noah’s mom explored more. As is, I felt like the book just stated some facts and just left it at that.
I don’t think it’s a bad book (yes I’m repeating myself), but it could have been much better.
This book delves into truly important themes of goodness and religion and how these things aren’t always the same.
Reading it it’s obvious that it was an important book to write for this author.
And it isn’t a bad book. But. Yeah, unfortunately there is a but here.
It could have been done better. I really wanted more depth and to feel the connection between both MCs. An not to be told over and over again that yeah they love is epic. They both felt their love to be epic. I as a reader did not.
The moral dilemma of Noah is a big one, but again, I don’t think it was explored in a meaningful way that a reader could feel it.
And also. Black and white characters all around.
I would have loved to see Noah’s mom explored more. As is, I felt like the book just stated some facts and just left it at that.
I don’t think it’s a bad book (yes I’m repeating myself), but it could have been much better.
January 25, 2025
♾️/10
Loved. Hurt me like a million stab wounds but it was so good. If you have religious trauma (or any trauma I guess) and you’re in the vengeance and justice phase of healing, I’d read it. It’s not perfect but it’s such a good portrayal of southern church culture. This book is beefy but it reads so fast that I forgot that it was like 500+ pages and devoured it.
Loved. Hurt me like a million stab wounds but it was so good. If you have religious trauma (or any trauma I guess) and you’re in the vengeance and justice phase of healing, I’d read it. It’s not perfect but it’s such a good portrayal of southern church culture. This book is beefy but it reads so fast that I forgot that it was like 500+ pages and devoured it.
September 28, 2023
I’m not going to lie this book about gutted me. The lies, the religious manipulation, the abuse, the homophobia were just heart wrenching. I spent most of the book with my stomach in knots. Noah and Ethan had been through so much and there were times I doubted they would get their HEA. When they finally got there I cried with how hard it was for them and that their love had prevailed. This was my first book by this author and it was a doozy. I’ll be checking out her other books.
December 6, 2024
DNF at 36%. At some point I was enjoying it, but then the incest thing became unbearable to me, definitely not into that, MC2 got turned on by the fact that his "brother" was f***ing him ( MC1 is his adoptive brother) and I felt really uncomfortable. Anyway, the book just wasn't for me I guess, I think that hardly someone that has siblings will enjoy it.
October 1, 2023
Added to my TBR after watching doseofdarkromance Instagram stories while they read an ARC. Colour me very intrigued by the quotes they were putting up in their stories. I'd never read anything by Jen before though so I read 'Say Yes' while I waited which was also *chef's kiss* and solidified that I wasn't going to be disappointed.
This book has that villain character that you just love to hate and you hope that bad, terrible things happen to them because they're just a piece of shit. They definitely get theirs in the end thank fuck or I would have been lobbing my kindle across the room. Wont say how, but I was satisfied, even if I prefer my revenge plots a touch more bloody lol.
Religion plays a big part in the main characters journey throughout the book. I am not religious myself so I didn't feel particularly affected by any of that, but could still appreciate the internal struggle that was plaguing one of the main characters as a result.
The first 33 or so chapters of the book are from when the main characters are 18 and 23 (I think) respectively with the remainder of the story taking place after a 5 year time jump. It was necessary for the story to have those 33 chapters - I personally like knowing the details when it comes to characters who share a history rather than it being hinted at or rehashed quickly in conversations. It gives you the full picture of exactly what they went through when they were younger and makes their reunion five years later that much more impactful.
I will be adding the rest of Jen's books to my TBR in addition to any future books, I've found myself a new fav author!!
This book has that villain character that you just love to hate and you hope that bad, terrible things happen to them because they're just a piece of shit. They definitely get theirs in the end thank fuck or I would have been lobbing my kindle across the room. Wont say how, but I was satisfied, even if I prefer my revenge plots a touch more bloody lol.
Religion plays a big part in the main characters journey throughout the book. I am not religious myself so I didn't feel particularly affected by any of that, but could still appreciate the internal struggle that was plaguing one of the main characters as a result.
The first 33 or so chapters of the book are from when the main characters are 18 and 23 (I think) respectively with the remainder of the story taking place after a 5 year time jump. It was necessary for the story to have those 33 chapters - I personally like knowing the details when it comes to characters who share a history rather than it being hinted at or rehashed quickly in conversations. It gives you the full picture of exactly what they went through when they were younger and makes their reunion five years later that much more impactful.
I will be adding the rest of Jen's books to my TBR in addition to any future books, I've found myself a new fav author!!
October 5, 2023
Heart breaking
I'm glad Noah and Ethan got their happy ever after but gosh it took a lot to get there. It broke my heart honestly. Still a great book with a power5message bout abuse, the nature of it and surviving it. Kudos to the author for writing an amazing book with delicate and complex stories. Stories we see happen in the real world far too often. And often times those real people never get their happy ever after and the abuser gets away with too often. Especially in a world that's hell bent on portraying LGBTQ+ individuals as unnatural and pedophiles. These are the stories that need to be heard but are often forgotten. Although not to this extend, I resonate with this book as a queer black individual from a christ background. I only came out to my mother and brother a few months ago but I fear telling the rest of my family as some are devoted fundamentalist Christians. I can only hope for the happy ever after that Noah and Ethan had.
I'm glad Noah and Ethan got their happy ever after but gosh it took a lot to get there. It broke my heart honestly. Still a great book with a power5message bout abuse, the nature of it and surviving it. Kudos to the author for writing an amazing book with delicate and complex stories. Stories we see happen in the real world far too often. And often times those real people never get their happy ever after and the abuser gets away with too often. Especially in a world that's hell bent on portraying LGBTQ+ individuals as unnatural and pedophiles. These are the stories that need to be heard but are often forgotten. Although not to this extend, I resonate with this book as a queer black individual from a christ background. I only came out to my mother and brother a few months ago but I fear telling the rest of my family as some are devoted fundamentalist Christians. I can only hope for the happy ever after that Noah and Ethan had.
May 10, 2025
DNF 31%
My first book of Jen Samson’s was The Sound of Us. I loved that book. It’s one of my all-time faves. Since then, I’ve read A Place Not Found and What We Were. One was a 3-Star read and one was a DNF. I will never understand how I can love one book by an author so much and not at least somewhat enjoy the others.
In this case, it was the lack of relationship building. These two MCs were adopted step-brothers, and although they grew up in the same house, they were essentially strangers. Then one day, one gave the other a look, and they were suddenly infatuated with each other.
All we got of these two characters in the bit that I read were their secret trysts. There was no time getting to know each other, something they missed out on over the years, and it was something I missed out on as a reader.
I’m guessing their story was fast-tracked to get to the second part of their story, their second chance, but I need more depth to the writing to draw me in. I just didn’t feel the deep connection that these two supposedly had.
My first book of Jen Samson’s was The Sound of Us. I loved that book. It’s one of my all-time faves. Since then, I’ve read A Place Not Found and What We Were. One was a 3-Star read and one was a DNF. I will never understand how I can love one book by an author so much and not at least somewhat enjoy the others.
In this case, it was the lack of relationship building. These two MCs were adopted step-brothers, and although they grew up in the same house, they were essentially strangers. Then one day, one gave the other a look, and they were suddenly infatuated with each other.
All we got of these two characters in the bit that I read were their secret trysts. There was no time getting to know each other, something they missed out on over the years, and it was something I missed out on as a reader.
I’m guessing their story was fast-tracked to get to the second part of their story, their second chance, but I need more depth to the writing to draw me in. I just didn’t feel the deep connection that these two supposedly had.
October 2, 2023
Oh Man, the Rollercoaster.
This book is gorgeous. The pain is gorgeous, the longing is gorgeous, the story is well written. Having come from a religious background, the characters were people I knew and recognized, which is so hard to look back at.
The love story is beautiful. The way they both, on their own path, get away from their abusive father and adoptive father, is so heartbreaking and uplifting. This author does detail right - doesn't lose me in unnecessary detail I don't care about, but gives me all the details I wanted.
Read it. You won't regret it. You'll cry, but it's worth it.
This book is gorgeous. The pain is gorgeous, the longing is gorgeous, the story is well written. Having come from a religious background, the characters were people I knew and recognized, which is so hard to look back at.
The love story is beautiful. The way they both, on their own path, get away from their abusive father and adoptive father, is so heartbreaking and uplifting. This author does detail right - doesn't lose me in unnecessary detail I don't care about, but gives me all the details I wanted.
Read it. You won't regret it. You'll cry, but it's worth it.
Read
July 29, 2024DNF. I couldn't get into this. I'm kind of difficult when it comes to deep religious themes in MM books, so this is most likely a me-thing.
October 4, 2023
This is such a hard book for me to rate. I’ve gone back and forth between 3 and 4 stars over and over but I’m settling on 4 stars.
What We Were is a really interesting novel, not so much because of a complicated plot - the plot is simple and I mean that as a compliment - but because it’s so layered? Some of those layers work incredibly well and other’s didn’t work for me at all.
I don’t want to put any spoilers so beyond a general overview, I’m going to talk more about how this book made me feel and the way that it was written.
What We Were tells the story of Ethan Salvatore, the neglected and rejected, out and proud gay son of an extreme right wing evangelical pastor in North Carolina, and his adopted brother Noah Evanson, groomed by Pastor John Evanson to be the perfect Christian son and follow in his footsteps of becoming a devout pastor himself.
Let’s just say it all goes to hell in a hand basket when Ethan and Noah fall in love after Noah turns 18.
“He feels like an awakening. Like all my senses have been busted open and I am face to face with God. This is worth going to hell for.”
Things that definitely worked for me:
-The examination of manipulation and abuse at the hands of individuals, churches and the institution of Christianity as a whole. I personally have religious trauma and while it wasn’t to the extent that happens in this novel, the way it was spoken about was spot on.
“Hell hath no fury like the God who created it bent on sending you there.”
-It touched on a lot of the feelings I have about organized religion, specifically christianity in the American south. This is a topic I could go on about at length, but I’ll just say that I was equal parts moved, disturbed and moved by the trauma inflicted in the name of God explored in this book. This was easily the best part, in my opinion.
“Hatred and bigotry and cruelty could outpace any good thing when left to run rampant.”
-I loved Ethan and Noah’s characters. They were multidimensional and felt like real people. Noah especially stood out with how complex of a character he was.
“I would risk hell for you,” he says. “And I would make a home for us there”
-Like I said previously, the plot itself isn’t overly complex but it worked so well with how deeply explored the characters were.
Things that absolutely did not work for me:
-There were moments where the dialog felt very out of place and unlike something any 18 or 23 year old would ever say. Not a huge deal, but threw me off a few times.
-The first half of the book felt so different from the second half. I’m of the assumption that was a purposeful choice on the authors part since during part one the mc’s are 18 and 23 years old, while in part two they are 23 and 28 years old. It would make sense that they way they speak, think and act would change after 5 years, but it wasn’t just that. I only say this didn’t work for me because I loved part two so much more than part one and I wish both parts would’ve had the same feeling part two had.
Now let’s talk about the sex.
I’m gonna just be straight up, there is very explicit pseudo-incest kink and a lot of it. Like….a lot. If that isn’t your thing, this isn’t the book for you. While the mc’s are not blood related in any way they lean into them being brothers in both sexual situations and their day to day relationship. One of the mc’s is reallyyyyy into the idea, I’ll just say that.
I will absolutely never kink shame, I just had mixed feelings about this. On one hand these scenes were some of the filthiest I’ve ever read in the best way, but then there were times when the dirty talk was more cringey than hot. That’s just my opinion on what I think is sexy and what isn’t and that will be different for everyone.
I take him one more step further away from his God. “Say it again, Noah. Tell me you need me to fuck you.”
My main issue with the sex scenes is that at times they felt jarring. You went from reading really beautiful, thoughtful prose about the effects of religious manipulation and trauma and the next moment one of the mc’s is asking the other to “fuck like brothers” without much, or any, transition in between.
I will say that all the blasphemous sex in this novel was an absolute 10000/10 for me and couldn’t have been better tbh
“You’ll be thinking about it in church, while you’re praying. You’ll love it, Noah.”
Overall, I did like this book. I loved the core story, the examination of the trauma inflicted by evangelical christianity, how nuanced the characters were and the ending was extremely satisfying. I had things I didn’t love, namely the flow of the novel at times and some writing choices. I still think at the end of the day it’s closer to a 4/5 so that’s what I’m sticking with!
“The weight of shame belongs to the perpetrators who tried to break you. Never carry burdens that are not yours to bear.”
What We Were is a really interesting novel, not so much because of a complicated plot - the plot is simple and I mean that as a compliment - but because it’s so layered? Some of those layers work incredibly well and other’s didn’t work for me at all.
I don’t want to put any spoilers so beyond a general overview, I’m going to talk more about how this book made me feel and the way that it was written.
What We Were tells the story of Ethan Salvatore, the neglected and rejected, out and proud gay son of an extreme right wing evangelical pastor in North Carolina, and his adopted brother Noah Evanson, groomed by Pastor John Evanson to be the perfect Christian son and follow in his footsteps of becoming a devout pastor himself.
Let’s just say it all goes to hell in a hand basket when Ethan and Noah fall in love after Noah turns 18.
“He feels like an awakening. Like all my senses have been busted open and I am face to face with God. This is worth going to hell for.”
Things that definitely worked for me:
-The examination of manipulation and abuse at the hands of individuals, churches and the institution of Christianity as a whole. I personally have religious trauma and while it wasn’t to the extent that happens in this novel, the way it was spoken about was spot on.
“Hell hath no fury like the God who created it bent on sending you there.”
-It touched on a lot of the feelings I have about organized religion, specifically christianity in the American south. This is a topic I could go on about at length, but I’ll just say that I was equal parts moved, disturbed and moved by the trauma inflicted in the name of God explored in this book. This was easily the best part, in my opinion.
“Hatred and bigotry and cruelty could outpace any good thing when left to run rampant.”
-I loved Ethan and Noah’s characters. They were multidimensional and felt like real people. Noah especially stood out with how complex of a character he was.
“I would risk hell for you,” he says. “And I would make a home for us there”
-Like I said previously, the plot itself isn’t overly complex but it worked so well with how deeply explored the characters were.
Things that absolutely did not work for me:
-There were moments where the dialog felt very out of place and unlike something any 18 or 23 year old would ever say. Not a huge deal, but threw me off a few times.
-The first half of the book felt so different from the second half. I’m of the assumption that was a purposeful choice on the authors part since during part one the mc’s are 18 and 23 years old, while in part two they are 23 and 28 years old. It would make sense that they way they speak, think and act would change after 5 years, but it wasn’t just that. I only say this didn’t work for me because I loved part two so much more than part one and I wish both parts would’ve had the same feeling part two had.
Now let’s talk about the sex.
I’m gonna just be straight up, there is very explicit pseudo-incest kink and a lot of it. Like….a lot. If that isn’t your thing, this isn’t the book for you. While the mc’s are not blood related in any way they lean into them being brothers in both sexual situations and their day to day relationship. One of the mc’s is reallyyyyy into the idea, I’ll just say that.
I will absolutely never kink shame, I just had mixed feelings about this. On one hand these scenes were some of the filthiest I’ve ever read in the best way, but then there were times when the dirty talk was more cringey than hot. That’s just my opinion on what I think is sexy and what isn’t and that will be different for everyone.
I take him one more step further away from his God. “Say it again, Noah. Tell me you need me to fuck you.”
My main issue with the sex scenes is that at times they felt jarring. You went from reading really beautiful, thoughtful prose about the effects of religious manipulation and trauma and the next moment one of the mc’s is asking the other to “fuck like brothers” without much, or any, transition in between.
I will say that all the blasphemous sex in this novel was an absolute 10000/10 for me and couldn’t have been better tbh
“You’ll be thinking about it in church, while you’re praying. You’ll love it, Noah.”
Overall, I did like this book. I loved the core story, the examination of the trauma inflicted by evangelical christianity, how nuanced the characters were and the ending was extremely satisfying. I had things I didn’t love, namely the flow of the novel at times and some writing choices. I still think at the end of the day it’s closer to a 4/5 so that’s what I’m sticking with!
“The weight of shame belongs to the perpetrators who tried to break you. Never carry burdens that are not yours to bear.”
October 12, 2023
Exceptional
I absolutely love Jen Samson! I thought her other books were incredible - The Sound of Us and Say Yes. This one though. Oh, Noah, baby, and Ethan. This story is heartbreaking but an incredible testimony to true strength and love. However, be thoughtful of trigger warnings and especially if other people's questions surrounding faith make you uneasy. They do not for me, personally, so I was able to thoroughly enjoy this read. If you are looking for a light-hearted anything, you need to pass on this. But if you're on board for deep stuff... get ready. Well-done.
I absolutely love Jen Samson! I thought her other books were incredible - The Sound of Us and Say Yes. This one though. Oh, Noah, baby, and Ethan. This story is heartbreaking but an incredible testimony to true strength and love. However, be thoughtful of trigger warnings and especially if other people's questions surrounding faith make you uneasy. They do not for me, personally, so I was able to thoroughly enjoy this read. If you are looking for a light-hearted anything, you need to pass on this. But if you're on board for deep stuff... get ready. Well-done.
January 19, 2024
Dnf at 28%. This story had a lot of potential but it needs some more editing. The fact that Ethan says Noah's name at the end of every sentence while he's talking to him was enough to make me stop reading. I searched the book just for fun and his name is said 1081 times. That was the confirmation I needed to not move forward with this book.
November 10, 2023
I don’t want to give 5 stars to this book, I want to give it 500 if possible but even then, I’m not sure it will be sufficient.
Midway through it, I imagined I’d be gushing about it in my review but in the end, what I want to say is – you need to read it. No matter how hard it is and how discomforting it might be, it is totally worth the read.
This is a book with a soul.
A book that tells hard truths, speaks of heart-breaking events, and of the healing power of Love which is above anything and everything. Yes, everything – above family ties, religion, social judgement - every single thing that is created to manipulate and submit and cage the human heart and it often does, until pure, all-consuming love nurtures it back to freedom. It’s a rollercoaster of intense emotions between rage and tenderness.
The writing style is deeply moving, the characters feel real. Especially Noah, with whom I had such a hard time because I understood him and felt sorry for him, but I was also so, so angry with him. Ethan, I loved from start to end because of his unrelenting bravery.
More than ever I enjoyed the happy ending and the fact that everyone got what they deserved. I really wish the same would happen in all similar cases in real life.
This is a devastating, unapologetic, beautiful book.
Read it.
Midway through it, I imagined I’d be gushing about it in my review but in the end, what I want to say is – you need to read it. No matter how hard it is and how discomforting it might be, it is totally worth the read.
This is a book with a soul.
A book that tells hard truths, speaks of heart-breaking events, and of the healing power of Love which is above anything and everything. Yes, everything – above family ties, religion, social judgement - every single thing that is created to manipulate and submit and cage the human heart and it often does, until pure, all-consuming love nurtures it back to freedom. It’s a rollercoaster of intense emotions between rage and tenderness.
The writing style is deeply moving, the characters feel real. Especially Noah, with whom I had such a hard time because I understood him and felt sorry for him, but I was also so, so angry with him. Ethan, I loved from start to end because of his unrelenting bravery.
More than ever I enjoyed the happy ending and the fact that everyone got what they deserved. I really wish the same would happen in all similar cases in real life.
This is a devastating, unapologetic, beautiful book.
Read it.
December 5, 2023
This book is devastating beautiful. While Noah and Ethan battle the pain and scars given to them by an abusive father, they find a safe space within each other.
Their strength, love and understanding is pure and honest.
Please be mindful of the trigger warnings in this book. Some of the subject matter is heavy.
Their strength, love and understanding is pure and honest.
Please be mindful of the trigger warnings in this book. Some of the subject matter is heavy.
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